Random Thoughts From A Highly Unorganized And Slightly Twisted Brain

How God Uses Writing To Help Me On My Journey

2012-02-14T08:55:00.000-08:00

You know what I love?! Well, anyone who reads this blog, because I adore "talking" which is only fun if someone is "listening" and it just pleases me so much that anyone would want to "listen" to all of my rambling!:) BUT, what I really love is how God uses something I thought was meant to minister to someone else to minister to ME!!! I was told almost a year ago that I should write a book after telling a funny story about something one of my kids had done or I had done or whatever! I don't remember what the story was about, just that it was funny. (I love funny!) I told this friend that I already had written a book that I was then doing more research on and rewriting. I told her "It's a devotional book written from my study of 1 Corinthians."

She said, "No, that's not the book you should be writing. You should write a book about your life."

I replied, incredulously, "My life! Why write a book about my life? Nobody would want to read that! My life is boring!"

She said, "Uhhhhhhh, nooooo, it's not. You're life is fascinating, the things you've experienced, the things your kids say and do. You are always telling funny stories that actually have happened in your life, just like that one. You should write a book telling all those funny stories and other stories from your life of things you've experienced that may not be funny but they're interesting."

I had always been afraid to write my life story, though I'd thought about it, and been told that I should before. Not because of anything positive in my life, but because of my pain. People thought, as much as I love to write, that maybe writing it would be healing for me and possibly someday be able to help someone else. I was waiting for the healing I'd been desperately seeking to occur before I did that, but I decided then that I would put my 1 Corinthians project aside and began writing about my life. Yes, I was still in a lot of pain, but just cause I wrote it didn't mean I had to let anyone else read it! I could just hang onto, possibly editting it later to shine a more positive light on all that had happened to me. So, I began at the beginning talking about my birth, and all of the drama surrounding that. (Yes, it's dramatic when you enter the world with a cataract over your left eye and blind in that eye, and having glaucoma!) I asked God to show me what He wanted me to write. What stories I needed to tell. I've found out that even in those early years of hospital stays and abuse, that my life wasn't just painful. I remembered some really fun and interesting things, like my first horse show when I was five years old where I won a blue ribbon :) It HAS been incredibly healing for me, but not just because I'm "getting out" all the old baggage that has hurt me for years, though, consciously, I try not to even think about it and am usually successful, but this never-ending ache continues on. I'm not saying I don't still hurt; that I don't still need help from God and others to deal with the painful things. It's just neat to see all of the wonderful experiences i had mixed in with that. It's a relief to know that God had good things in my life, even then, when I didn't know Him and didn't want to. He was there even when I rejected Him. He was there in the time I spent with the horses and other animals on the farm. He was there in the times I did participate in sports and not do a sickeningly horrible job. He was there, keeping me sane through it all. He gave me people every now and again who were nice to me and he gave me people who were fun and wanted to have fun with me. No, I didn't have anyone I could call a close friend. I never learned how to talk things through, something I'm still learning; how to share my pain. I'm still not good at it and it feels awkward and weird and the words never come out right. I wish people understood more. I wish I understood more. But God let me have some fun, even while most of the authority figures in my life were only hurting me. I'm still scared to talk about that things that hurt, cause so many have used those very things against me. People I should have been able to trust. I already had trust issues and then they added more. I'm struggling right now and have hardly slept in days. I can feel the bags under my eyes, and they're burning as I toss and turn at night with all the memories that I can't quite come to terms with. I'm so tired and my head hurts. I threw out my neck and apparently hips and back at some point last week, so at times I can't even move my head without excruciating pain. I went to the chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment since I could hardly turn my head at all. It still hurt after he adjusted me and I still didn't have full range of motion. I'm almost back to full range today, but will need to go back in again tomorrow to get adjusted again. So, yes, I'm struggling, but God is so good to me and has helped me remember the good times, too! He's used an old "friend" from my growing up years to help with that. I love her so much and wish we could spend time together in person, but she lives in another town and we both have very busy lives, each with three kids and a husband, and she is a working mom, which I can't even imagine the pressure of! Yet, she stays so positive even when she sometimes gets overwhelmed. Don't we all! Love you, Jenny! And I'm just so glad for all the good that I see in my life!!! God is good and He will and most likely, IS healing me, even if I can't see it right now.

What An Amazing God!

2012-02-13T14:14:00.000-08:00

I must admit sometimes it's a comment from one of you that prompts me a little. It's so hard sometimes, because I have so many things on my heart all at the same time. It's moments like these that I realize that despite everything, my past, the years I spent shoving every substance down my throat or into my lungs that I could get my hands on to numb the pain, all of it. Despite all of it and how hard I tried to self-destruct, my life is truly amazing and a miracle from God!!! Call it what you want, but I KNOW who dug me out of addiction! No one but God could have done that! By the time I came to Christ in college when I was stoned all I could think about was where my next joint was coming from. It kills me to think where I might have gone next if God hadn't grabbed my heart that fall of 1995! I do remember asking people about Crack-Cocaine at that time and inquiring as to what that was like *cringe* Clearly I was getting to a point where the lighter drugs were not doing it for me anymore. Thank You, JESUS for sending exactly the people I needed at that time to show me (not just tell me) that there's a very real God who LOVES me!!!! I'm a very tangible, hands on kind of person! Words alone don't do it for me (although obviously I love words!). I need you to prove it to me. I think most of us do. Especially after all I had been through. I had heard the words "I love you" more than I like to think about, but really they only loved my body and what I could do for them! Prove it! Prove to me that you mean what you say! It's amazing to me how many tangible ways God has shown me that He loves me. He first loved me through the father-figure, Dave, taking an interest in me, even when he knew about the drugs and the promiscuous behavior!

What an amazing God!

Then, he introduced me to Josh Paparazzo! He's used that man more in my life than you could ever know or understand! From the moment I almost called off our wedding, because I feared being in a sexual relationship again. He told me the wedding night wasn't that important. That if I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. He wouldn't push me. We'd take as long as I needed and he'd be gentle. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, even if we never consummated our marriage!

What an amazing God!

(Obviously we consummated our marriage :))

Then, through my children! I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up feeling so down on myself, and my sweet toddler at the time and morning girl (Ugh! Those people oughtta be shot! jk) would climb into bed next to me, run her fingers through my hair and say, "Mommy, you're the most beautiful Mommy in the whole world!" And she meant it! She even challenged our neighbors to disagree with her! She'd go up to them with her hands on her hips and say matter-of-factly, "My mommy's the most beautiful mommy in the whole world!" And I mean, she was dramatic about it, like she was just daring them to try and disagree with her! I was the most beautiful (the fairest in the land) and no way was she wrong! I'm pretty sure she believes it to this day! That was my middle child, Angela.

What an amazing God!

My children grew and eventually, one by one each came to know Christ and was baptized! My son, who loves God's Word, almost as much as I do (Reading and hearing God's Word was the first time I can recall being told that I was anything other than a total loser. Oh, some never said anything really bad about me, but not super good, either!) was doing a bible study on his own that he had won at a VBS and he came up to me one day and said, "Mom, I have an assignment for my bible study. I'm supposed to thank one person who influenced my life for Christ, so mom, thank you for teaching me to love Jesus." It may have been an assignment, but I knew he meant it and I nearly bawled. That was around the same time that my daughter Angela had decided she wanted to be baptized and on the day she was baptized our pastor came up to me and said, "I just wanted you to know that when Angela and I met she told me some really wonderful things she learned from her mother." This was truly too much for me. How could this messed up, alcoholic mama ever have taught her children anything of the Lord? He was amazed at her understanding and knowledge of scripture.

What an amazing God!

And then, Chloe came into my life at a time when I'd completely given up hope on ever being a good mother. I was just going through the motions, trying to get through. Had given up trying to kill myself or get healed. I was just doing what I had to do. When I found out I was pregnant I was so mad at God. We weren't planning on having a third at that time. I asked God why he was giving me this child. Wasn't it bad enough I was already screwing up two? Why did He want to give me a third to mess up? Chloe was such an easy baby and she even made caring for the other two easier. I can't really explain how she did, but she did. I remember one day about a week after she'd come home from the hospital, right after doing the assembly line, changing all 3 of them, cause they had poopy diapers at the same time (wasn't that convenient), that I was doing this mom thing and I was doing a good job. A wonderful feeling came over me that I had not felt in a long time. I had no idea, but Chloe was a gift to me. I always thought that God gave children to parents, because those children needed that parent, but this parent needed that child!

What an amazing God!

As if that weren't enough she grew to be the biggest sanguine you've ever met in your life! If you look up the word sanguine you'll see a picture of Chloe's face right next to it! She IS the definition of sanguine! She and Angela are still the biggest cheerleaders I have! (Big for short people anyway :)) She bounces around and laughs and smiles all day long. She's really hard to be depressed around! Sometimes when it gets really bad, even she can't make me smile. In fact, she irritates me, but generally, she makes me smile, and sometimes even laugh almost every day!

What an amazing God!

My son is brilliant and he loves his mama with all his heart! Even at 13 years of age he still hugs me in public! He tells his friend's he's mama's boy and he's proud of it!

What an amazing God!

My husband has stood by me for almost 15 years of some of the worst times I've ever seen and he still has eyes for not another woman. I'm telling you he doesn't even notice other women. No, I'm not kidding. We were at a restaurant once and a woman walked by that I swear looked like she'd just stepped off the cover of a magazine, and I said, "Wow! Did you see that lady? She was stunning!" I seriously wouldn't have blamed him for noticing. He's married, he's not blind! I notice good-looking guys when I see them sometimes. But he said, "What lady?" He was serious. He had no clue what I was talking about. I then knew that the man with the visions who told me that he had a vision about my husband and did I know that Josh is so incredibly faithful to me that he doesn't even notice other women. He only sees me. I seriously have the man who only has eyes for one, and that's me.

What an amazing God!

As if His dying on the cross weren't enough, He did all this for me! And I'm sure if I really thought about it I could go on and on and on! This move, our house selling right away, my car selling, us finding a great house, so quickly. I'm shaking my head right now.

What an amazing God!

Processing My History

2012-02-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

I feel the need to write. I'm just not sure about what. I'm slowly talking outloud to God (in the bathtub since that's the only place I can get any privacy) about my history. This must be my attempt at processing my past abuse and other things that have happened. I must admit, though I know it is really God I am talking to, since obviously no one else is in the bath with me :) I must admit that I am picturing a woman. She's not a woman I've ever met. Just a random woman I've conjured in my mind, because I still feel a deep need to involve another human in these discussions. I don't know if that's healthy or totally messed up. Of course, she rarely talks, mostly I talk. She just says comforting words every now and again, and reminds me of God's Truth about me. (I hope this post doesn't just reveal that I'm crazy and need to be locked up!:(

One of the things I have noticed is that even though I am stating some very painful things from my past, some that I've never really talked much about with anyone before, really only coming to grips with these memories here in the last few weeks and acknowledging that yes, they are real, as much as I wish they weren't. But what I've noticed is that I don't seem to feel much. Regret, yes. Shame, very much so, which is why I'm not sure I could say them outloud in front of a real, live person anyway. I'm way too ashamed of who I am. But the pain seems to have disappeared. I fear my heart has become calloused and hard in the absence of the help and support that I've needed. I know that I have many online friends I could probably email or call about these things, but for whatever reason I don't. I guess I feel that I need to have a real reason to be doing this. To be rehashing these things from my past. Some things I just enjoy talking about, like my children's birth stories, but no one's really listened to me. They've been mostly embarrassed to hear about such things. I love telling about my pregnancies and the differences between them and how with each one I somehow knew I was pregnant, sometimes even before showing any symptoms. It was weird. I just knew. I know how I knew with Angela. I woke up the next morning and ran for the bathroom, which I would continue to do for the next nine months! I think I made up for not having morning sickness with my first one, ya think! Seriously, the day before she was born, I was sick. Every single day of that pregnancy I was sick. It was awful. I never wanted to be pregnant again after that! Yuck!

Anyway, I guess maybe just sharing my life with someone, since I've not had a counselor to talk to would be good enough reason to email or call my friends and tell them these things I've been processing with God, ya think?

Packing And The Drama Of Driving

2012-02-11T16:52:00.000-08:00

I seriously never before have wished more than I do right now that we hadn't lost the chord to the camera, so I could charge it and take pictures! I just read about Keith and Beth Moore moving out of their home of 27 years on the LPM blog and she had all sorts of pictures of things that had memories attached to them! I've found so many things here that I wish I could do that with! Unlike her, I don't have my husband experiencing this with me! He's busy getting work stuff taken care of to leave for the next DE here. And, of course, he will be cleaning out his office. He'll actually be going from an actual office to a cubicle! That almost seems like a step down! I mean, it's about the same size as the tiny office he has here, but without the privacy of an actual door, you know what I mean!?! I would find working in a cubicle very distracting and difficult to get any work done, with all the other people around you, but that's me for you. Like I've mentioned before, ADD. It's also in a very busy part of town. We kept hearing sirens and other things outside. It's right across the street from the Spokane Arena for those of you who are familiar with the area. Yeah, the emergency vehicles go right by his window to go just about anywhere it seems. I'm imagining those type of vehicles going by that area is probably a pretty regular thing. It could just be we were there at a bad time and something major had just happened! Anyway, obviously, also, I have not lived here 27 years! That would mean I moved in when I was 10 since I'll be 37 in just two days! Yes, you may send me gifts :) I'm not shy! I'm actually hoping, along with a new set of earphones for my iPod, since mine have a short, good ones with good quality sound, not the cheap ones I usually buy, that my man will buy me a new power chord for my camera :) Yes, he does read this blog, so I am hinting. I know because of the move we don't have a lot of money to spare. We're going to be spending a lot of it on like a new washing machine, and some furniture, things like that (that's going to make up for the jacuzzi bath he never hooked up that was supposed to be for my 31st birthday :)) This would be why I'm asking for practical things like power chords. Besides it only seems appropriate since he did buy me the camera last year for my birthday :) I really over use that smile, don't I?

Anyway, back to the packing thing. I had to clean out my car the other day, because we had to sell that *sniff sniff* I found a t-shirt I bought Angela a long time ago, that probably would have fit Chloe now, but it was filthy from being in the back of my car for so long. It wasn't stinky or moldy or anything so I probably could have saved it, but against my better judgment I threw it away! I just didn't want something that dirty in my washing machine when I have so many other things to wash right now! I felt like I ought to have a ceremony for it, though! It was heart wrenching throwing it in that barrel. It had a picture of a coffee mug and a little bubble that said, "sugar?" It had another bubble in another corner that said, "No thanks!" and in the center in big letters it said, "I'm Sweet Enough Already" *sniff sniff*

I also felt we should have a service for my car! I know it's just a 1995 Subaru Legacy, but you have no idea what this car has taken me through! To put it in perspective for you, do you remember your first car? The first car you ever owned? All yours, no else's or at least you were the primary driver? That's what this car was for me! My first car. And it might have had extra special meaning to me, because as some of you have probably figured out, I have many, many fears!!! I'm basically scared of everything and one of those things was driving. Really, even of learning how to drive, or more like, being afraid to prove I can't learn how to drive, or do anything else for that matter. Of proving that my parents were right about me. I really am a no-good for nothing loser, who can't do anything right. I am stupid. All those things they said about me. I didn't want to prove them right...again! So, I was afraid to try. I'm still afraid to try new things. I'm afraid of not being perfect, which is what was expected of me, so I finally got my driver's license in October of 2008. This was monumental for me! This was after I don't know how many driver's permits, including the one's I had in high school, that never translated into me taking the test, which scared me most of all. Some guy, staring at my every move and marking things down on paper while I attempted to drive and remember all the things I needed to remember. I'm still not a good driver, but I got my license, and as long as I don't get caught in a tight place where I have to back up or turn around, I usually do okay. I've gotten in a few fender benders with that car in a short time and God has been gracious most of the time, in having it be with people who didn't want to report it. Phew! It was my fault always, so it mostly would have hurt me! I did get a misdemeanor charge once for hitting someone. No fun! God provided miraculously for that one by an anonymous person at church leaving some money for us! Thank you, Jesus! I learned how to drive through many tears, panic attacks, and sometimes deep depressions after a particularly hard driving lesson that I felt I failed miserably at! I often gave up only to eventually (sometimes months later) start again. I got devastatingly discouraged and down on myself. I still do in regards to driving. I'm still not comfortable driving, especially if there's a lot of heavy traffic, which is one reason we decided to sell the car. If I won't drive unless I absolutely have to in Moscow, I'm not driving at all in Spokane for a while. I might try occasionally, with Josh in his Santa Fe. I'll definitely keep up my license, which means I'll be getting a Washington license in a few months. After I just renewed my Idaho license at that! Sheesh! I hope a Washington license isn't too expensive! And I hope I only have to take a written test to get my Washington license. Can you imagine me taking a driver's test in Spokane!!! Yikes!! We'll find out all that soon enough. For awhile I'll be walking and riding the bus, though. But yes, I want to keep my license just in case.

Our New House In Spokane!

2012-02-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, I sort of promised I'd tell you about the house, so even though I'm exhausted and would really rather go back to bed, here goes! First of all, it has a basement! And a backyard!!! With a fence around it! Love it, love it, love it! It's pretty small. Much smaller than it looked in the pictures, although the bathroom is actually bigger than it looks in the pictures. Still small, though. It actually has four bedrooms, even though it's no advertised as having four bedrooms, cause they can't officially classify the fourth one as a bedroom, because it has no windows. It's in the basement. There's a small, kind of recreation room downstairs and the washroom on the other side for the washer and dryer. There's even those big utility sinks like my mom has in her washroom! So handy! And next two the washroom is like a pantry area, cellar type thing! There's all sorts of shelving and things built in for storage. It's got some neat, storage features that are really impossible to explain. You'd have to see it, and some of you probably will, eventually :) We're planning to put all our entertainment stuff in the recreation room. The tv and all of the video equipment and what not. We'll probably put a lot of the kids toys down there as well. Honestly, the bedrooms aren't much bigger than our bedrooms in the trailer, but with the downstairs, it'll make all the difference, cause all their playthings won't have to be in the bedroom with them. There's also a small, 3/4 bath downstairs. It's a sink and a toilet with one of those single standing shower stalls. It's not fancy, but it'll work. Jeremiah doesn't require much, so I would imagine he'll use that one a lot, since he's already downstairs anyway. Upstairs in the main part of the house, are, of course, the other three bedrooms. The girls will still share a room and we'll most likely use the extra room as a guest room/office type thing. We'll decide more once we get everything up there and start situating ourselves. The kitchens not real big and there's hardly any counter space, but we're thinking of putting a folding table in the dining room with the toaster, and microwave and all that to free up some space. Also Josh is thinking of either buying or building one of those rollaway bar type things, for some more counter space, cause there's literally like only a small square of counter space on either side of the sink. It does have a dishwasher. A fairly nice one from the looks of it, so that's great! Of course, a small dining room that has a blackboard! I may have to explain to the kids what that is :) Yes, personally, I would prefer a white board and will probably replace it with one eventually. We have a whiteboard at home, which I'll probably put somewhere else and save that space for another one maybe. I don't know. We'll just have to see. I know we'll probably change our minds a zillion times before we decide for sure how we want to use each space. We have some patio space outside, which is very nice. The living room has a gas fireplace which is really nice and has a lovely inlaid (I think that's how you say it) picture of three horses running, which my youngest daughter is especially going to love!!! She absolutely loves horses! I must admit, I kind of liked it, too. I am totally in love with that gas fireplace as well! Awesome! I've always loved the way a fireplace makes a home feel cozy, but never liked the mess it can make, or the whole idea of an actual fire in the house or even one I have to light. I have this very unreasonable fear of fire. Apparently from my childhood. From what my sister has told me, I guess she and her friend threatened to burn me (literally) if I told on them for playing with matches and candles and such in my dad's pull trailer thing out in the field with the cows, when I caught them doing that. So anyway, I'm terrified of fire to this day. I'm a little better than I used to be, but I'm still uncomfortable with even well controlled flames nearby. Anyway, all that to say that the gas fireplace is the perfect solution to all that. That has to be my favorite feature of the whole house! And then, of course, the small bathroom upstairs. It really isn't big enough for doing make up and what-not, so I'm going to have to put some kind of make-up station in my room and eventually in the girl's room, too. Just thought of that. Wow! Of course they have all kinds of built in storage space right outside the bathroom and bedrooms. The closets are tiny, so we're going to have to do some extra things to make more room for clothes, but we've got some ideas on that anyway. Working on it. It'll be fun. An actual house!!! With a basement and everything! Oh, yeah, and there's a nice big shed outside as well! Oh, and one more thing! The ad said no pets, but we inquired about that and they're letting us keep our cat, Jewel! We were thrilled about that. We weren't looking forward to having to say goodbye to one who has become a member of the family in her own right! So, the family will not be split apart :)

What An Amazing Provision: A Home!!!!

2012-02-08T22:41:00.000-08:00

First off, I woke up this morning wanting a drink. And.....the battle rages on....but Satan lost another battle. I didn't drink. In fact, I soon remembered today was THE day....okay, okay, not THE day, exactly, but a BIG step toward THE day! It was the day we would see our soon to be new home. We were already confident that if the house we had an appointment to look at today was anything like the pictures, we were taking it! We'd already been approved to rent by the managers and so it was just a matter of looking at it in person, to really be sure it's what we wanted before we signed anything or gave anybody any money for it. The location itself was worth the rent if it was even decent as far as we were concerned! Two blocks from the public library. I mean, literally a straight shot from our house. No turns and just one street to cross! Awesome! Also a water park right by the library and Grover Middle School where our two oldest will go to school just a short stroll away! We're not sure exactly for sure what elementary school Chloe will be going to, but we'll figure that out soon enough. We drove by one that most likely appeared like one she'd go to. It's a little bit more of a healthy walk away, but that's okay. I'll just have to walk her there everyday. It'll be good exercise anyway. Plus, if we ever get a little extra cash in the coffers, there's a coffee shop on the way :) Well, that would be on the way back, of course, unless we went ridiculously early in the morning!!! Otherwise, I'll just have to get her straight to school! I'd want to walk her anyway, since she's still kind of young, and in a town she's not yet familiar with and will no longer have her sister to walk with, since it looks like they'll be going different directions to go to school. Angela I'm not worried about, since her school is so close to home and she'll have her 13 year old brother to walk with, who WILL be nice to her or he'll have me to deal with later!!!! And she'll be nice back or suffer the same fate!!! Tons of shopping and what-not nearby! At least the only kind I'll be doing for a while! A Wal-Mart, Safeway, not one but TWO Starbucks, I kid you not! And no, I won't be enjoying any of that for a while either :( Poor me. Oh, well. I'll survive! I may have to find a way to bring in a little income, but somehow we'll make it work. Lots more expenses up there, so we'll have to figure that out in time, and I'm sure we will. God has a plan and it's for my good. I know it! I just have to choose to believe it, which I'm constantly reminding myself of. I was hoping to get back into going to some recovery meetings and maybe counseling and a ladies bible study, but if I have to forego those things a while longer for the good of my family, I'll do what I have to do, and who knows, schedules may work out to where I can do some of those other things as well. I sure hope so. Or maybe God will provide in some way beyond our wildest imaginations! You just never know what He might do! I've definitely learned that with this promotion! Whoa! That was totally unexpected! Anyway, to make a long story short, we put down some money for the deposit and they're holding it for us, until we sign the lease on March 1st, so we have a home, just got to go through the rest of the process! I'll tell you more about it tomorrow, since I'm hoping to get to better at a much more reasonable hour tonight! (Though by many people's standards I've already passed "reasonable")

My Failed Trip To Houston

2012-02-07T13:56:00.001-08:00

I never did get around to telling you all that I never made my flight to Houston. There was some confusion about how early we actually had to check in and I got there late and of course, that doesn't really excuse Delta Airlines for being extremely rude to me when I walked in. Some jerky guy came around the corner (I swear he was just waiting there to have the pleasure of ruining someone's day, which turned out to be mine!) when I came up to the desk and said, "Sorry, I can't check you in. You're late." And then just walked out. End of discussion and I swear he had a little smile on his face! My husband shouted after him "Wait! What? So we're just screwed!" I'm not sure if he said that exactly the first time, but he did eventually. When we refused to leave he came out several more times all just as rude and inconsiderate as the first time. By the way, it did not say on the printout how early we needed to be there or that they stop checking people in half an hour before the flight leaves. Tiny airport, only one gate, and I know lots of people who fly out of there that show up only 20 minutes before departure and that's plenty of time to get through security and all that and they have no problems! Even with all the new restrictions since 9/11. I know it's weird that I still think of them as new, because this is the first flight I've taken with a major airline since that event. Do you see how starving I was for some travel time! I seriously love to travel! Did it all the time in high school! I'm in withdrawals! As many of you being from this area recall, on January 20th the weather wasn't ideal and I may have this wrong, but they started pulling passengers off that flight, and as I understand it, it was because of extra weight restrictions due to the weather. One guy who had that reflective clothing on that you see the guys on the runway wearing came in and told us that technically it's not even legal to take off with passengers with any snow on the runway and that after this flight took off the airport was closing. Personally, (yes, this is sort of gossip) I think they didn't look at the condition of the runway early enough to cancel the flight, so they were covering their rearends! (I hope that doesn't offend anyone.) I would be willing to bet that just like the runway man suggested, they took off with only the crew aboard, cause the crew HAD to make connecting flights according to him. The next flight I could get a ticket for didn't go out until the next morning. The event I was going to ended at noon, so I wouldn't get there in time for any of it. I mean, that wasn't the only point of the trip, but it was the main part, so no way was I going without going to that! It just wouldn't be worth it! There was (supposedly) a flight going out at noon. I'd be late, but at least I'd get there. I'd miss the first session on Friday night, but I'd be there for Saturday, which that would've been sad, too, cause I still would have missed the photo sessions on Friday night! That was important to me, too! But that flight was full, so I would have just had to wait around to see if anyone cancelled at the last minute, but again the runway man (you like my name for him?:)) told us the truth was they were closing the airport. Nobody was going anywhere from that airport on January 20th, period! I wish they'd have just told us that instead of leading us around like a puppy on a leash!!! I really think that guy was hearing the talk from the others who were talking to us inside the airport and was irritated that they were lying to us! Just a hunch. When I left the airport, they were still taking passengers off the plane in short increments and the plane was still (obviously) sitting out there not going anywhere, and I glanced over my shoulder to see that the entire runway was COVERED with snow! Nobody was going anywhere! I also heard someone on the phone on the way out telling someone that they were telling him he might be able to get a flight out at noon! I wanted to turn around and tell him, "Hey, bud, they're lying to you! They're closing the airport. You're not flying out of this airport today!!!" I resisted the urge, besides my heart was aching to badly :*( I was so close, yet sooooo far away from my dream trip! Yes, there were lots of tears throughout the entire weekend. And lots of thoughts of just heading to the liquor store and getting me a big bottle of tequila, which I resisted. Not throwing away 17 months of sobriety that easily!!! Which I achieved that very day, by the way!!! I think this was my first full on realization that I am, whether I like it or not, a full-0n ALCOHOLIC! That and sharing a little of my story on Beth Moore's blog in a comment. Whew! Seeing those early drinking days staring me in the face was a RE-ALITY. CHECK! Man, was I messed up!!! That was this morning. After that I went to sleep (was up late last night) and dreamed of....drinking....oh, yeah, I was drunk, and I woke up happy about it and sad to realize I was sober. Wait!!! What?! Oh, man, I think I need to go to a meeting!!! But the meetings around here are so depressing! Ugh! What to do!!! If Gay or Beth read this, please don't feel like you shouldn't have shared. It's just me and it would happen eventually regardless!

Trying to figure out how to end this? Have you noticed that I have trouble with conclusions? I thought my last one was brilliant by the way! There. I think I'll end with that.

This Is Probably What Happens To Your Brain When You're Moving?

2012-02-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

I was going to go ahead and write another blog post (making up for lost time :)), but with all of the kids having dinner and doing homework and all that jazz, my brain sort of went poof! I can't even remember what I was going to write about! I have had so many things on my mind the last few weeks that I've thought, "That would make a great blog post!" You know, if I could stop in the middle of life and write down what I was thinking in that moment and actually be able to find my notes later (cause actually have from time to time) I could write some brilliant blog posts and you all would be impressed and tell your editors (if you have those) and I'd be talking to them about now about possible topics for my next book! (You know....after the one I haven't finished yet :)) ................

Oh.....sorry, you're still there! Coming back to earth! I was just at a book signing in New York City....I'm back now! See, here's the problem with that scenario! As much as I love writing, I'm not very disciplined, live in a small house (probably still will live in a small house in Spokane) and have 3 kids, a cat, and a husband, not in that order. I got the husband first actually. I know, shocking, right?! Does that still happen? I probably should have been the poster child for ADD, so, easily distracted? Forgetful? Yes, all that stuff. And three kids with three very loud and individual personalities makes for a crazy, busy life! And like I said, if I had time to take notes in the middle of the craziness that happens in our house......

I've been told by many who've stopped by to visit in the last year that I should just set up a video camera in a corner somewhere where it won't really be noticed and just video tape our family doing our normal everday activities and start sending them to America's Funniest Home Videos. We'd be millionaires in no time! One of Jeremiah's friend that I used to give rides from basketball and wrestling practice for all the time (before my car died and then we sold it) said he never could wait for the car ride home, cause something funny always happens when I give him a ride. We made him laugh all the way home. It's good to know we have talents!:) Hey, maybe we should video tape us and send it to NBC! It's got to be at least as good as anything they have on now!!!

Anyway, actually, I was going to tell you some of my thoughts while packing and cleaning (not all of them! Some of them were disturbing :)) For one thing, I had no idea you could fit this much stuff in a 66 foot trailer before! You probably can't, but I have a knack for stacking things from the floor to the ceiling! (Not really, but you get the idea.) Also, cleanliness and organization are not in my vocabulary! Could someone explain to me what those mean?! I have found things I didn't even know I owned, and now I don't remember what they were! I do remember thinking, "If I didn't know I owned this I probably don't need it, so I should put it with the stuff going to the Hope Center." But then I thought, "Yeah, but I sure could've used this if I'd known I had it and I can't definitely see where it could be useful again." I also have found things I've been looking for for years!!! I haven't found Chloe's glasses that she lost last fall, though, which I was really hoping would happen! It could still. I've actually barely done anything! It's kind of sad really! I need to get down to business, but it just is so boring! You know, until you found that thing you didn't know you had and wonder where it actually came from.......Hmmmm, never mind. I raised three kids in this house! One from 3 to 13! I probably don't want to know!!!! Some questions are just best left unasked. See, not very disciplined. It's way more fun playing with the kids. Oh, well, that's all I have for now, since having to help Chloe with multiplication has officially fried my brain!

How come no one told me I'd have to do third grade all over again....3 more times.....and all three times I'd fail? I passed the first time!!! What's the deal?! Oh, yeah, my teachers just wanted rid of me. I actually sucked at math then, too!!! I remember now!

Random Babbling From Shellie

2012-02-06T10:10:00.000-08:00

Wow! Three weeks!!!! Seriously! No wonder I've been posting ridiculously long comments on other people's blogs!!!! I've been basically writing blog posts of my own on...well....okay, Beth Moore's blog, since her's is the only one I go directly, too, without going to my blogger account first! Ha! Anyway, I had to laugh as I read some of my previous posts to catch myself up on what I had written (now that is when you KNOW it's been too long!) Anyway, yes, clearly the writer in me is STARVING!!! I might as well, except it, I'm a writer to the core of my being whether I ever choose to publish anything or not!! I just love to write, and I love the much more safe interaction of all of you not being in front of me. And my nerves just don't get in the way as much when I'm writing as when I'm with people in person. I seriously have full on anxiety attacks when I'm with others and they want to know about my personal life and my relationship with God (which is VERY personal!). You just usually can't tell because I'm very good at hiding it. Probably a skill I learned through years of public speaking growing up, which scares me to death by the way, even though people always told me I always looked so confident, especially with a microphone in my hand! Ha! If they could only look closer and see the racing heart and sweaty hands and feeling like I can't breathe. Okay, that one is new. It feels a little like an elephant is sitting on my chest and it happens regularly now!!! Yes, my chest gets very tight! I break out in a cold sweat! It's awful!

Okay, back to what I was saying about laughing (told you, highly unorganized). I'm laughing because of how much it shows how upset I get when I can't see what God is doing! I was talking about living here until my kids graduate!!! Ha! We're out of here next month! I kid you not! My husband got offered a promotion and he accepted! I never thought he'd accept a promotion until the kids were all out of school! But he did! Mostly because he started realizing, more and more, that I need HELP! And it's not going to happen as long as I live here! We're moving to Spokane, Washington, which was where the closest counselors I could find are! I was a little disappointed, because I'd finally convinced my husband to go to Real Life and now we're leaving, but they have to church plants in Spokane! And, honestly, if they didn't, I think we'd be willing to drive to Post Falls to be around loving, forgiving, gracious people who truly care! The original Real Life Ministries is in Post Falls. I'm pretty sure that's the original. I know it's the one I first knew about! I've wanted to be a part of Real Life ever since I first heard about them! They seemed like everything a church should be according to the Word of God! (Whoa! What a concept!) and when I first heard that they were coming to Moscow I was ecstatic! Just took me this long to convince my husband that's the place to be! As I understand it, they're all basically the same as far as the attitudes and hearts of the people. I'm sure they do different things depending on the needs of the people where they're at. Anyway, Jeremiah and the pastor's s0n, Caleb, between church, youth group, and school, even being on the same sports teams, have become the best of friends....and now we're moving! Thank God for facebook! That's all I have to say. And Caleb pointed out on Sunday, that Spokane's not THAT far away! It's not like they won't be up there and we won't be back here every now and again. They'll most likely still be able to see each other once in awhile other than on facebook. We do still have family in the area after all, and I'm sure we can squeeze in some friend time in all the family craziness during holidays and vacations. It will help us keep our sanity anyway, cause as much as we love family, too much time spent with ANYONE can drive you a little crazy after a while, right?! Much needed escapes are good for all involved, so we don't end up hating each other and never speaking again! Josh and I came up with a good rule of thumb. No more than 3 days spent at any relatives house. After the third day, we've observed, everybody (not just us) gets a little cranky with each other! It's a little different with friends I would imagine. You don't know each other in the same way, so you can't get in each other's business quite as painfully, plus you pick your friends based on what you like, you don't pick your family, so you get all kinds of personality conflicts mixed up in there! If you have a personality conflict with a friend, generally speaking, you just don't end up being good friends who hang out much. You don't have that option with family. So, anyway, this is a totally random post, and I think I've made the decision that I'm going to do a little more editting on here from now on, although that will mean fewer posts. Obviously, this post is the exception, being the one I'm telling you this on. It still won't be a lot of editting and it will be mostly based on my mood. If I'm in a fairly positive mood, I'll probably just go ahead and post what I wrote without editting, because there's probably not anything in there that I will regret posting later. Or at least, a little bit. Rarely do I regret it enough to delete it. Anyway, mostly when I'm feeling negative, and that doesn't mean there won't ever be anything negative on here, since depression and anxiety are huge issues in my life, but probably a little toned down and saved to be editted later, so by the time it gets to your eyes it will be more of an explanation of the frame of mind I was in than a barrage of my emotional baggage (I think that's the word I'm looking for.) Anyway, it's like only an hour until lunch time and I haven't even had breakfast yet! So.....I'm out!!!!

Busy Life!

2012-01-13T01:33:00.000-08:00

Wow! It's been a crazy life! Had so much going on in my head and been journaling about it some, but not been on here. I've been emailing a friend who's been helping me sort stuff out. So much going on. So many decisions being made, but it's 1:30 am and I just wanted to say hi! The long and short of the biggest news in our world is I'm so done with legalism and we're now going to Real Life Ministries On The Palouse. Have only gone one Sunday so far. I loved it. Josh seemed happy with it. Jeremiah's been going to there youth group for a while, so he was thrilled. No longer feels like he's cheating on his church! Most of his friends from school go to Real Life, so that's why he was going to youth group there. The girls?! Oh, my! They loved it so much they were practically doing cartwheels telling me about it after church, while practicing there memory verses for the work!!! Whoa! My girls excited about homework! I love it! That has seriously never happened before. They love meeting new people, so really always thought they'd be happy if we just went to a new church every week!!!! But they weren't just excited about the new people! They were excited about what they learned there! That thrilled me to pieces, but I'll tell you about it later, because I really need to get to bed!

Major Failure

2012-01-03T16:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm feeling much better today (not real good, but better) because I've finally decided once and for all not to ever get a job outside the home. Don't even bug me about it. I went to my husband's office this afternoon to help him with his busy work, secretary kind of stuff. He had me putting labels on envelopes and organizing them to where you could easily put the right letters into the envelopes that correspond with the names without hunting for them. I totally messed up the organization part of that, because I can't keep enough information inside my head at one time to do that kind of thing. It's not that I'm disobedient. I just can't keep simple instructions straight in my brain long enough to do a task. I actually didn't understand the instructions very well, which were quite simple really and I could see what I did wrong after I messed it up and yet not well enough to do it right if I had to do it again. I'd probably mess it up at least 5 times before I got it right. I do the same thing organizing things at home. I have to redo it 5 or 6 times before I get it right, which is why not much gets done at my house. He had to reorganize everything. He said it was fine, but of course he did, cause he's my husband and I was just volunteering. He's not paying me or anything. These are the sorts of things employers always got frustrated with me over and it's why I'm not employable. Both my daughters and my son are just going to have to get used to people thinking they're strange cause they have this messed up mother who can't do things that "normal" mothers can, and she doesn't work as a result, so they're poor people with a mother who sits around at home on her lazy ass, or excuse me, rear end. That's how people are always going to think of me and somehow I have to get to a place where I'm okay with it and so are my kids. I have to accept what I cannot change, as the serenity prayer says, even though most people, even people involved with recovery, are going to think this is something I can change. I can't. I've tried and only gotten yelled at. No one has the patience in our culture to deal with someone like me. Employers in America expect people to be able to think on their feet and make split decisions without help, and I can't do that. They expect people to be able to do simple tasks right the first time. I can't seem to do that. I'll think I can do that. It isn't even a matter of confidence. I went in to Josh's office today very sure that I could do this simple thing that he was asking me to do, so it wasn't that I already believed I would fail, so I did. It's the kind of task I figured I could do without a problem. It's the type of thing I would mostly be doing at the jobs I was applying for, which is why I was applying for those types of jobs. I figured those simple tasks I could manage. It's why I thought I could work retail. I could run a cash register and make change, no problem, and I like people, so I could be friendly and courteous with them, but I was reminded today by my mistake that this is the sort of thing that happens all the time. I'm just used to it at home and everyone else in my home has adjusted to the lack of organization, so I forget that this is why I am where I am. I was reminded so now I know that I have to stay at home where I'm safe and won't be criticized for doing things wrong all the time. I won't be constantly torn down. I'm a decent mother. My kids feel loved and are fairly well disciplined for the most part, so I can do that and that's going to have to be good enough for the people around me. If it's not I'm going to have to learn to accept that that's their problem and not mine. That's the part I'm not sure I'll ever get used to. I think I'll always be sad, because I'm so disappointed in myself, cause I thought I could be better than I am. I thought I could be what others call normal. I'm going to have to get used to the misunderstanding and rude comments about how lazy I am and how I'm not serving my family as I should. I really don't think I can do that. I feel like a failure.

I couldn't help but laugh when someone on facebook commented that I didn't think I could drive before either and now I'm a better driver than she is. That was hilarious, because I'm not! It took me years to get down the basic skills of driving, where most people it only takes a few months or even weeks, to be able to take the driver's test, and I still can't parallel park or drive a stick shift. I have a hard time remembering to look in my rearview mirror or check everyplace where there might be other cars coming to check for traffic. I have a hard time judging how much space I have to pull out when parking and as a result do a lot of backing up and pulling back forward to get out of parking spaces, frustrating other drivers that are waiting for me to pull out. I'm the biggest cause of road rage in Idaho. Or more like parking lot rage. I've had so many fender benders that at one point my insurance was dropped. Every fender bender I've been in was entirely my fault. My husband won't let me drive his car, as a result, cause he needs a nice looking vehicle, not one that's all dented up, for the work that he does. Most of my fender benders have not involved another driver, so we haven't even bothered reporting them. I've backed into poles and scraped my car on the poles marking the edge of the gas pumps at gas stations. Good thing they have those there. I'd probly take out the pumps!!! They probably have those there because of crazy people like me, who shouldn't ever be given driver's licenses and turned loose out on the streets. Just a little glimpse into this hopeless loser's life.

Job Search And Feeling Completely Stuck

2012-01-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

Considering the incredibly raw emotional state I am in right now, I probably shoudn't be on here at all. No, we are not starting the New Year very well at all! My daughter pointed out all the things we could really use that we can't afford this last week while she and I were shopping and of course, all of the really wonderful, really not very expensive things I would love to have, if not for the lack of money. She tried to remind me (I still don't remember this) that I promised her I'd get a job this year. I think what I promised is that I'd try to get a job at Bumpers, the "arcade" in the mall, but they went out of business. There really wasn't anywhere else I felt capable of working and then while at Claire's the thought popped into my head and out of my mouth (I've really got to stop doing that!) that this would be a really fun place to work. No way was I going to ask for an app then. First impressions are very important and I had no makeup on and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Not even like a nice t-shirt, cause I did notice that many of the employees at the mall were also wearing jeans and t-shirts, but form-fitting, stylish t-shirts and really stylish jeans (which I don't even think they make in my size!). I have not gotten any apps from the mall, but I did fill in an application for the new Wal-Mart, online, and I failed the assessment, so they won't even consider me for employment. I know I'm in trouble if I can't be considered for employment at Wal-Mart. I also just finished filling out a job application for the Dollar Tree. They are also hiring. I will not do fast food or any type of food service. Way too stressful! It's bad enough I have to work around human beings. I don't know how I'm even going to get through the application process and all. My husband has finally convinced me that I have to go to job services and ask for help. I guess I'll tell them that I really have no skills and I'm not very smart and have had not had good experiences in work places. I'm also not strong enough for most manual labor jobs. I'm severely limited. That pretty much limits me to retail, which dealing with customers doesn't thrill me. My stomach is in knots. I can barely eat and I can't sleep. I know the past isn't supposed to affect me, but I'm sorry. It does. I'm scared out of my mind and I'm sorry if my feelings are sinful. This is what I have been taught by the Christian Counselors I've seen. That often, even my feelings are sinful. I have tried to argue that our feelings just are and that only what we do with our feelings is sinful, but they insist that no, even just feeling the things we feel is sometimes sinful. So, if that's sinful, I'm screwed, cause I really can't help how I feel. I've realized with reading my Changes That Heal book today that's my problem to begin with. I've never experienced unconditional love. I've never been loved and accepted by another human being exactly the way I am. Their way of loving me has been to just want to change me. They couldn't just accept me right where I was at and let me work through those feelings. I even find that most Christians do the whole "You 'shouldn't' feel that way," kind of thing and then when you admit that you don't trust God in a particular area, they condemn you by trying to immediately tell you what you 'should' do and by telling you all the reasons why you are not experiencing God's mercy here or there. It's not helpful and it's not loving. It's hurtful and makes me feel that there is no hope for me at all. I'm crying my way through this book by the way and it does frustrate me in that he does seem to be saying we need to be able to experience grace and forgiveness from God's people, for healing, which I am not experiencing in the town I live in now, which it looks like I will be here at least until my kids graduate and that's WAAAAYYYY too long. I know I need to trust God to bring me what I need here, but that's hard to do when I've been further hurt by so many here. Most uninitentionally. They're just ignorant to being able to see that 'should' is not helpful. Trying to change me instead of listening, loving and gently steering, like Jesus did, is the best way. I can't help but notice He never feels the need to tell all those sinners He spent time with what they 'should' be doing. He just loved them, listened to them, asked questions and made small suggestions, really not even suggestions. I don't remember Him giving any other commands other than to love. Hmmm, makes you wonder why we're all trying to change people when even Jesus, the only one who really can change anyone, never did. He healed by loving and touching, not by lecturing.

Christmas Lack Of Sleep And Continuing With Boundary Issues

2011-12-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, I wonder if I'm going to suddenly get really consistent about this blogging thing? I doubt it! I wouldn't count on it if I were you! It was nice that it didn't take like 5 hours to read something from each of the blogs I'm following though! You know, since I did this yesterday before I blogged. Well, two nights ago really, even though it was technically morning by the time I posted. That was actually a really good day. I was exhausted by the end of it and couldn't sleep for the wind banging things around, but I had a good day and didn't feel the need for a nap during the day, although, I didn't get out of bed until 11, so I don't know if that really counts. I woke up close to 11 again today. I woke up a few times earlier, but didn't feel like getting up and quickly went back to sleep. So, yes, my sleeping patterns are messed up as usual! What else is new?!

Well, my two oldest still fight like cats and dogs. More like a ferocious(sp?) lion and a rabid wolf, but okay. And I'm not sure which one is which! We had a nice Christmas at home. I didn't burn the turkey and I even made sweet potatoes (from a can), gravy (from packages), Stove Top Stuffing, mashed potatoes (from dehydrated potato flakes in a bag), and green beans, which I almost forgot, also from a can. I think that's all. Oh, yeah, then there was the store bought Pumpkin and Apple Pies. I never even got to touch the Apple Pie, and barely got any Pumpkin Pie. This is the thanks I get for actually doing something in the kitchen besides stick a frozen burrito in the microwave. Josh said, "If you snooze, you lose, literally." He said this because I discovered the empty Apple Pie tin after I had taken a nap on Sunday afternoon, so yes, I was snoozing! But seriously, after being awake all night Friday night worrying about messing up the turkey or any other part of Christmas dinner, and then dragging the kids to the Candlelight service at our church, and then taking care of the stockings and all that night and being so excited to see the kids expressions I couldn't sleep for the second night in a row! And then them opening their presents Christmas morning, getting ready and going to Sunday service, coming home, playing Angela at air hockey, and kicking her rear, I might add, then getting my rear kicked by my son, so that I could experience some humbling. Then, helping Angela figure out how to set her password for her new voice activated password journal.....I think I deserved a nap!!!!

It was a crazy Christmas! But totally fun, and I'm looking forward to hopefully doing it again next year, unless of course, we can convince my parents to get control of my sister and older brother, not to mention getting all porn completely out of the house, where there will be no way my children would have access to it! It seems like there was another condition I will have, but I can't remember it right now. Oh, yeah, something will have to be done about the cats and dogs, but they already know that, with Chloe's allergies. That, I don't have to argue with anyone about. No one will disagree with that. Bringing up the porn will be very awkward, if the time comes for that. Talk about a pink elephant in the room! It's one of those things we NEVER mention! You don't even hear the word "PlayBoy" said outloud in my parents house or around them, but everyone knows it's there. It's right in the drawers underneath the towel cupboard in the bathroom! Always!! But it's never been mentioned, except by my husband, who was the first person to point out to me that most families don't have PlayBoy magazines in their bathrooms. I had no idea that wasn't normal. How would I know that wasn't normal? I mean, I knew that for a Christian home it's unacceptable, but for a non-Christian home? I just figured everyone had them! And even when he brought it up, it was only to me, in private. Anyway, if my family never gets real about the abuse in our home, then it will never have to be brought up, but I'm hoping and praying that my parents will, first and foremost, come to know Christ, and that then they will put a stop to the abuse and pornography. It has to stop or I can't bring my kids. Of course, the porn will be an issue even when my siblings aren't there, so yeah, it will probably have to be brought up eventually. I fear my children have probably already seen it and who knows how it's effected them. I know how it affected me, but that's a whole 'nother subject for another time.

Totally Random!

2011-12-28T01:21:00.000-08:00

I had about a zillion things on my mind that I really thought I should blog about earlier today and all during Christmas, but they all disappeared (I really should take notes on these things!) as soon as I discovered that I can now comment on my own blog again! Yay!!! Yes, simple things delight me! And it's a good thing, too, considering that I live in a falling apart trailer house that we don't have the funds to keep up. I have 3 children with more "needs" than any one person (or even two) could possibly keep up with! And we often have to get help in aquiring things for all of their needs. School needs, which are increasing all the time! And other needs as well! They are 3 very busy people who continually keep me hopping! I can't afford to have latte's on a daily basis, and I really don't understand how ANYONE can! Seriously, we're in a recession and latte's are EXPENSIVE!!! And yet, I'm going to Houston next month! Crazy! Well, we all set our priorities and make sacrifices for certain luxuries every now and then! I haven't really gone anywhere in YEARS!!! No, I'm not kidding! I haven't left the northwest since my 13 year old was a baby! I think I'm overdue! I did feel a little guilty about that the other day when my daughter, Angela, and I were talking about something we couldn't afford (I don't remember what) and I said that we needed to save our money, since I was going to Houston. She commented, "Why do you have to go to Houston?" Oh, well, she's young. She'll understand why mommies and daddies need to get away sometimes when she's older. I really hope this Houston trip turns out to be worth it and I don't have some kind of a nervous breakdown during the whole travelling alone thing and never make it to the actual event I'm supposed to be going to! I'm sure all will go well, and I'll come home even more confident in my abilities to do things on my own, without my husband there to catch me when I totally screw up once again. It's all good, and it's way past my bedtime!

For The Love Of BROWN! (and other Christmas delights)

2011-12-21T14:25:00.000-08:00

Oh, how we love BROWN! Yep! The UPS man showed up at our house today! Poor man! I thought my kids would ATTACK him! They were at the door like vultures! I told them grandma was sending their Christmas presents UPS, so they KNEW what was coming!!! He really just smiled as he came up the steps and said, "Hey! You sound like you're having too much fun around here!" in a mock stern voice! So fun! I bet they love their job this time of year! Everybody's so happy to see them! Of course, I always love BROWN! I just don't always like the mail man. He brings the bills. The UPS man just brings the good stuff!!!!!

So. Our Christmas tree now looks like a Christmas tree ought to look, with lots of packages underneath the tree, because Josh also bought all the kids their main gifts yesterday, so we wrapped them before our argument and put them under the tree. They are going to LOVE their gifts. Angela isn't getting the one thing she really wanted, but I think she'll like what she's getting. I asked Josh to take back the earrings he bought Angela, cause I know she won't wear them and I know of something that's on sale that she'll really LOVE that I want to get for a stocking stuffer. He's left most of the stocking stuffer shopping to me. So, that's not done. I also have to buy stuff for Christmas dinner. I think I'm going to do an afternoon dinner on Christmas Eve, so I can just play with the kids and their new toys and things on Christmas Day. I've decided everything but the turkey is going to be from a box or a can. We'll have to build up through the years with the cooking part. I've never even done a turkey, so I think even the gravy will come from a can this year. Or a jar. I'm hoping they have some in a jar or something, cause I don't really like the package one's. They're too thin. I like thick gravy. We'll see what we can do. Next year, if we still do Christmas at home we'll look at getting what I need to make real gravy from the turkey drippings. I love gravy, so I'm a little unsure about not doing the real thing this year, but I'll see what's available. Of course, only Chloe and I will eat the gravy, and only I will eat the stuffing, which is why I'm not going to bother with real stuffing. Probably not ever, although I learned at Thanksgiving with our friends that I could probably have Isaac Leidenfrost over and he'd help me eat the leftovers! :) That boy likes his stuffing!!!

Oh, yes, and the reason why I'm thinking we'll have dinner so early is because I'm pretty sure our church does a Christmas Eve service and we'll probably go to that. I certainly would want to if they're having one. I'm pretty sure they do one every year. We just haven't ever gone, cause we're never here on Christmas Eve.

Avoid Conflict

2011-12-20T23:25:00.001-08:00

Avoid conflict: Yep, that's how my husband handles things. He would've just sucked it up, gone down to my mom's house, avoided everybody, done what he was told, and returned and then gone back to being ourselves and having fun. I've tried that. I'm not very good at not interacting. It really doesn't work for me. Plus, I have this problem. I'm the mom. So while he can ignore people children treating his children cruelly or really honestly claim ignorance, because he wasn't paying any attention, just disappearing into his own little world where he doesn't notice the chaos all around him. SOMEBODY still has to be the parent, though, and that always falls to me. So while he can just avoid everybody, I have to make sure my children's needs are met, so that requires me to be involved with my family. I remember so many times asking him if he could help with the kids and as always he says, "Your doing just fine." Avoidance. It works for him. He just sits back, while my kids get hurt and I get hurt and pretends nothing is happening. I probably won't even post this, because I realize I'm sort of bashing my husband and I'm trying not to do that kind of thing on here. Only deal with my stuff and not bash anyone else, but he's been doing this for years and I'm SICK of it! He says he would have just gone with it, but that's okay, he supports me! Funny! I don't feel very supported!

So, I let him read this before posting, and he still doesn't see what the problem is, so I don't care anymore! Hate me for bashing my husband, but I already know what everyone here would say if I personally went to them. "This is something the two of you are going to have to work out." "You should just go down and see your family for Christmas. You need to show them the love of Christ!" NO ONE here really supports me and understands me. Not entirely their fault, but they just don't get it! They don't understand when I describe the way I grew up or the way my parents and siblings behave now! Mostly because they've never experienced anything like that, and the one's who have...well, they're in the same shape I'm in. Or, they've managed to repress their feelings so much that they don't feel the pain of those things anymore. I used to be like that, but I decided to let my feelings resurface and not be so cold and now I can't seem to turn them off! I hate being treated like trash, because I know it's not right! And I REALLY hate my children being treated like trash! The reason I post these things? Because God doesn't care enough to get me out of this place, so I can be around people who understand me, and for now, this IS my support!!! My online community, through blogging, and tweeting is my only real support!!! Others here have tried, but they don't understand. The one's who do understand don't have the gifting, training or calling to help me! Actually, I'm not sure healthy people who are anything like me exist in this town, because they've all been in the same boat I'm in for all of their lives!

I'm sorry if anyone thinks this is slandering anyone, because I don't think it is. I have given the people involved their due respect. I understand that we just don't connect or understand each other well, and that they are doing the best they can, so please don't take this as slander. I even understand that my husband doesn't understand and doesn't see what the problem is, because he doesn't know or understand anything about boundaries either. There are none in his family of origin really, either. You can't understand what you've never been taught!

A Short Unfinished Hello And Preparations For Houston

2011-12-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

Well, I've missed all of you. I'm getting nervous, because I'll be in Houston a month from today. I'm also excited, but I'm nervous. I have never travelled by myself, having to navigate my own way through airports and then a HUGE city! I hope there's only one OMNI hotel, because if I don't run into any siestas at the airport that I can ride with I'm going to have to take a taxi to get to the hotel, and that's all I know is it's the OMNI. Of course, I'm sure my husband, who made the reservations and all, for me, will give me more information before I leave. In fact, I'm a little worried he might be more nervous than me. He's asked me before if there is someone to meet me at the airport in Houston. I know it bothers him a little that I'm travelling alone, but he most definitely does not want to go with me. What's he going to do in Houston, Texas while I hang with the ladies all weekend?! Anyway, that's all I have time for, for now. I have to get ready to take the kids to the dentist. I'm running late. Tell you more about my life, later.

My Kids And Their Accomplishments (Or beginning to be accomplishments!)

2011-12-09T10:27:00.000-08:00

Well, basketball season has officially ended for Jeremiah. However, I still have to pick him up in the afternoons, cause he plans to spend some time in the weight room. He's got to keep up his manly figure I guess! LOL! The things I do for my children!! There is a parent meeting for Wrestling on Tuesday. I'm kind of guessing, since it's so close to Winter Break, that wrestling won't actually start until after the Break. I sure hope so!!! Of course, they may need to practice through the break to be ready, I don't know. This will be the first time we've entered the world of wrestling with our kids. I know, shocking, since my husband was a wrestler, even in college for a brief time!!! Jeremiah's just never seemed interested until now, and it wasn't exactly something we've encouraged the girls to try. I have no doubt both of them would! Angela has actually asked if she can wrestle, which I'm sure is quite surprising to all of you (sarcasm)! We haven't let her up to this point, largely because of finances and because she's been so inconsistent with the things we have gotten her involved with that we don't want to spend that kind of money on her. She would love Hockey, but that's the most expensive sport out there!!!! She was consistent with that when she played on a scholarship, so if I was made of money, I'd absolutely fork over the bucks for her to play!!! Her music teacher heard her singing the other day, and told her that she has a beautiful voice, but could use some help with the notes. She offered 10 dollars for a half-hour of voice lessons! So we'll be looking into that, probably after Winter Break! We do want her to be active in something. Of course, she wants to be a pop star! What young girl who's told she can sing doesn't?! I'm certainly not going discourage her by telling her that it's highly unlikely to happen!!! What if Justin Bieber's mom had told him that!!!?! Talk about an unlikely candidate. Small town boy in Canada with a single, teenage mother!!!! Yeah, not happening! And look at him now!!!! I personally would not have encouraged my son to enter that world at the tender age of 15, but he's not my kid, so I'll let his parents raise him as they see fit! Angela does have a beautiful voice. My other two can sing, also, but Jeremiah, at least, has other interests. Chloe, on the other hand, I am told is one of the best dancers, maybe THE best dancer in her dance class after school on Mondays and Tuesdays! I can't remember what kind of dance it is. Some hispanic type of dance, but she's very good at it, which is nice. I like that she's found something she does well. Her teacher, who is also her third grade homeroom teacher this year, tells me their are 7 different types of intelligences and based on what she sees in dance class, she would have what they call Kinesthetic intelligence, so while she may not be as strong academically as others (she works consistently at a 1st grade level, beginning to be more consistent at a 2nd grade level) she is smart, just in a different way. I knew this all along, but it's nice to have others notice as well. Maybe she's not "book smart" but she is smart! Not that we're not going to continue to work on her classroom work! We will, of course! Speaking of which.....

She just had her 3 year reasessment and the school psychologist decided to use a different type of IQ test on her this time and she tested in the normal range, at a 90 IQ!!! It's still slightly below average, but puts her in the normal range, which after working with her for some time, she felt more accurately reflects Chloe's true capabilities! This is why she chose to use this test instead of the one they did three years ago! It's so nice to see her testing in the normal range! They also said they have seen a significant change in her attentiveness, so they no longer consider her to be attention deficit! That was good news also, although, I do wonder if it's the coffee I've been giving her in the morning! That's okay if it is! She loves her coffee and obviously there seems to be no reason to change anything! She's progressing well as we hoped she would! Once again, this year's teacher has commented on her incredible work ethic and how self-motivated she is! She says she's not worried about her succeeding in life, because she's the type that will try anything and works hard at whatever she does, and will just keep trying until she gets it! She loves to learn, and you don't have to fight her to get her to do her work! In fact, while I was meeting with her SPED teachers, and other faculty that work with her, she was doing her homework, and was almost done before we even got home! And I hadn't even told her to do that. I had bought her an A&W Root Beer on my way to the appointment (her favorite beverage) to keep her happy while I met with her educators. She did drink all of her root beer, but she also did her homework. Her sister played basketball instead. Quite a difference between those two! I love them both! I had bought Angela a Pepsi which she also devoured! Of course, I couldn't leave myself out. I got one of my many favorite beverages, a Wild Cherry Pepsi:) It was fun!

And then, we went to what has turned out to be the last basketball game of Jeremiah's I would make it, too. I was not able to make the last two night's games :( It was the closest game I've seen them play, but I think they pissed off the other team when at the half it was 13-12 Moscow! They were proving that they are not pushovers! That they are truly becoming a force to be recconed (sp?) with! I think many of these boys, like my son, are playing competitive basketball for the very first time, so they are just learning the skills! Jeremiah has improved quite a bit, and just like in football has shown his athletic capability and aggressiveness. He has been known for his aggressive playing in baseball as well, as he loves to steal bases. That is one of his specialties with those quick legs of his! He did meet his match at one point this basketball season, as I watched him play against a boy he was supposed to be blocking, who at one point, flew past Jeremiah like he was standing still!!! And Jeremiah's pretty stinkin' fast, let me tell ya!!!! There's a reason I had to put him on a leash as a toddler! That kid could MOVE from day one! His uncle had him pegged as a running back in football from the moment he learned to stand steady enough on those little legs to run!!! He called it! That's for sure! Anyway, the second half of that last game didn't go so well. They were pushing those boys all over the court, and the refs were only calling about a third of the fouls that should have been called and nothing on the kids fouling Jeremiah!!! They were literally SHOVING him! He hit the floor so hard, even if you didn't see it, you could hear it at least 3 times! Jeremiah says there were about five times he should've gotten free throws! At one point when he was pushed I did hear the whistle blow, and thought, "It's about time!" but no! They didn't blow the whistle on that kid! They actually called it against someone on our team somewhere else on the court!!! It was ridiculous! He was pretty sore that night and came off the gym floor limping, cause he kept landing on that hard gym floor on his knee!!! It was awful! I hope he had a better time last night! They still lost, but hopefully, he got some good, positive playing time in! The whole team has improved a ton during this season! Pullman slaughtered them in their first game! I'm very proud of the boys! They've come a long way!

Oh, yes! And I can't believe I forgot to mention that Chloe tested out of Speech Therapy!!!! Go Chloe!!! She's still considered to have a learning disability, but she's improved so much in so many areas!!!!

Christmas Is Coming!!!!!

2011-12-08T18:50:00.000-08:00

I know many of you are probably wondering, at least a little bit, maybe, occasionally, in your busy lives, how my parents have responded to me. And the reason you haven't heard anything is because they haven't. I'm wondering if my mom's even going to buy my kids Christmas presents or if she is going to return the ones she's already gotten and forget about us. I guess I'll find out if she sends Christmas presents or drops them by or something, not that she really has much reason to be going through here anymore. Although, her brother's still live a little ways to the north of us. Her parents are gone now, though, which I mentioned briefly in my last post. I miss having grandparents. No one spoils me anymore :) Of course, I may have just erased the only grandparent my kids had that ever spoiled them, from their lives. Josh's mom hardly ever even buys them anything, let alone come to their events or anything like that and when she does, she doesn't really do anything special for them. I'm sure she would more often if she could. She has a lot of grandchildren, so it's harder for her.

Jeremiah's last basketball game was tonight and my mom never made it up for one of his games. She always makes it a point to come to at least one of his games for whatever season he happens to be in. I think she's done. Of course, there could be other reasons she couldn't come all the way up here for a basketball game. My kids are very excited about establishing new traditions for just our family. Angela, my baker girl (she's been baking like crazy!) is already planning what she's going to do for a birthday cake for Jesus! I was really surprised at how happy they were that we're staying home for Christmas! They told me they have not had fun the last couple of Christmases either, and they just want to spend it with their goofy, fun-loving parents. They don't really care about all the fancy packages and the fancy dinner. If we can't afford to do all that, it's fine with them. I'm thinking of doing it like a real birthday party, complete with streamers, noise makers, and a birthday banner, but of course, with a Christmas tree in the mix, and presents for everyone, even if they are small presents, and stockings!!! Josh informed me he already bought a little something for their stockings. Of course, I can't tell you on here, cause they read my blog :) You'll have to wait, too!

Jeremiah got me the newest Casting Crowns cd. I'd tell you the name of it, but I'd have to get up for that :) Something about a Well. It, of course, has the theme song from the movie Courageous on it, as well as several others that have nearly brought me to tears of gratefulness! I love Casting Crowns music so much! He got this as a pre-Christmas gift. For some reason he's not telling me what he's got coming for me for Christmas :) He got Amazon Gift Cards for the popcorn he sold for Boy Scouts. He's only spent a little of it on himself. The rest he's using to buy Christmas gifts! What an awesome kid, huh?! Angela's planning to do the same with her money from her job cleaning the neighbor's houses. She's also already gotten started. Jeremiah did tell me he has the new Travis Cottrell cd coming for me, but that from his tracking it looks like that one won't be here before Christmas. That's okay. He said he also has something else coming that will be here before Christmas, so I will have at least one surprise package under the tree this year :) After he told me about the Casting Crowns cd, I decided to not ask for hints on any other gifts, cause he's obviously a sucker and I do love surprises!!! And I'm loving that someone in this family obviously speaks my love language :) which is receiving gifts in case you were wondering :) Wow! I've been grinning a lot in this post! I just can't wait for Christmas!!!!!! Well, okay, I haven't done any shopping. I'm still waiting on some money we're supposed to receive, so it can't come toooooo quickly! I have no idea what I'm getting the kids this year!

Oh, and I thought I'd make a correction from a previous post. The book I'm reading is Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud, not Healing Choices. I'm used to Healing Choices because that's the John Baker book used in Celebrate Recovery, or one of the books anyway! I've never actually read it. Just the step study books, which are great also!

Finally Establishing Boundaries With My Family Of Origin

2011-12-01T23:39:00.000-08:00

As you all know by now, I am one big, huge, humongous (could I have another adjective please?!) issue!!!! Particularly where boundaries are concerned. I read Boundaries With Teens since I have not been able to get my hands on the original Boundaries book. And to be honest with you I have no idea what the guy is talking about. He just kept talking about teaching your kids boundaries, and I'm like, "What boundaries? Nobody ever taught me about boundaries and I have no idea exactly all the boundaries they need." I'd already set a few without even knowing that's what I was doing, like I recently told a friend that I never go out with an individual guy anywhere other than my husband. She informed me that's a boundary and a good one, that I've established for myself, cause someone suggested I talk to a certain guy over coffee and I said, "Not without someone else going with me I'm not." I realize coffee shops are public and it's not like I would be tempted anyway, but it just looks and feels too much like a "date" to me, so I don't do it. That was an obvious boundary that I hadn't really thought about much, because as a married, Christian woman, it seemed like a no-brainer to me. Obviously shouldn't do that. Maybe not everyone feels that way, I guess. I've made an exception occasionally with my pastor, only because he's like old enough to be my father!!! And he's my pastor for crying out loud! But then, I might feel differently if I had a pastor who was closer to my age. Never really had that experience. They've always been much older, or older enough for me to know I'd never be interested and no one would ever suspect anything.

Anyhoo, I've gone a little off the subject. I've realized that a major area where I haven't established good boundaries or really any boundaries at all is with my family of origin. I had to make yet another very tough decision this week and since this is my first time establishing boundaries in this case, I'm sure I'm going to botch it up, if I haven't already. I just knew I had to do something about Christmas. For the last 2 years, since my grandfather passed away I've gone to Oregon to my parents house for Christmas and allowed my family to push us all around, even to the point of being downright abusive towards me and my children. They love to play with our emotions, making us mad or scared. They think it's funny and it's not! It's cruel. They did this to me my entire life and they do it to my more sensitive kids as well. I don't notice them doing it as much with Jeremiah, but the girls have much more dramatic emotional reactions, especially Angela, so that's really fun for them. They always did this to me, as I was very much like Angela, and also tend to feel things deeply and express emotions very dramatically if I get upset enough. They like that, and like I said, it's cruel and abusive. Last year my older brother even put Angela outside in only a t-shirt and her pajama pants and tried to shut the door on her. He almost got away with it until I threw a hissy fit and insisted that mom make him let her back in. She was terrified! I'd hate to see how far he'd go if someone didn't stop him!!! My dad is very mean and uncaring in the way he talks to everyone and even made a comment when I got upset with him at one point, that he could see why Dave likes to do that. It's fun. Yeah, fun for who? Not me. Not my family. We're done and so yesterday I called my mom and left a message at the house that we're not coming for Christmas and not just because of Chloe's allergies (they live on a ranch and she's allergic to most animals) but because I am not going to take the bullying. That was yesterday mid-morning and I still haven't heard back from them. I'm sure they've called a family meeting to discuss what they're going to do about me. They've always had a problem with me seeking help and I can see why. Anyone could see they are not healthy people and that some changes needed to be made in our home and they would totally mess with their perfect little world, as they see it. I was their guinea pig and nobody was going to mess with that. The problem is I'm not a guinea pig and neither are my children, we're human beings and for the first time in my life I am going to insist that we be treated like human beings.

My Public Apology To CR Moscow And the Hope Center

2011-11-21T23:00:00.000-08:00

Since I've sort of slandered a couple of ministries in my small town on here, publicly, I now need to make a public apology to those ministries on here as well. Those ministries, more specifically being, CR Moscow, and the Hope Center and the ministry it has to the community, particularly Resource Ministries. There was a lot of misunderstanding on my part, of what there purpose really is, that I should have investigated myself, before talking about it on here. Resource Ministries only helps those who are able to work and want to work, not those just looking for a handout or permanently on disability. Those people will be sent elsewhere for help. There are government programs for them. It's not that they want them to be left out in the cold, they just have to choose with their limited resources the particular people they are going to serve. They are human and can't help everyone. No one ministry or person can do that. That is why we have a world-wide body of believers. That is also why there are food banks, food stamps, unemployment, and disability,as well as many other government sponsored programs for those who need it.

Also, Celebrate Recovery is an awesome program for addicts and as they say, people looking for "freedom for life's hurts, habits, and hang-ups." And really, who does that not include? I can't think of a single person I know who couldn't use a little of that!!! I'm pretty sure it's the human condition!!! Everyone has them, if they're alive, breathing, and living on planet Earth!!!! While, I have not personally found anyone there that I connect with well on a personal level, that's not to say that you won't find exactly what you need there. I still very much appreciate them for what they do provide for me. A safe place to hang out and be myself and share my struggles, knowing it will never leave the room unless I, myself, take it outside the room, which, as you know, I often do, but that's my business, not anyone else's, and as far as I can tell, no one's ever shared anything outside the group without my permission. I may not have found all the support I need there. God has provided that in other ways, and in some very unusual ways, through social media, I have met some people who have helped me. Quite unusual but it works for now. With my limited resources in this small town, I have to do what I have to do, but there are wonderful people at Celebrate Recovery, who, even if you don't relate well with them, like I haven't, they will love you, and who knows? You might find someone you do connect with. We all have different personalities, and different things that work for us, so don't be afraid to try it and give them a chance. I still may yet find someone I connect with, personally, there. You never know!!! Have a beautiful, God-filled day!!!!

A Sick Day!

2011-11-14T13:41:00.000-08:00

I'm home today, with my oldest daughter, Angela, who is sick with the cold that I had. We no longer have any snow. It all got rained away. Yuck! No fun. Now it's really windy, and I'm probably going to have to go out in it and get some groceries. Hopefully, she'll be up to coming with me, although I know she is rather stuffed up. She's plenty old enough to stay home for me to take a quick trip to the grocery store, but she hates to stay alone and ends up calling me and talking to me on the cell phone the whole time which makes it hard to shop, since I don't have bluetooth of any kind. She just got out of the tub, so we'll probably be going soon, since it's past lunchtime and there isn't much in the house to eat. Besides, the chicken noodle soup is all gone, between me and my chicken noodle soup loving kids, we ate it all! And it's just wrong to have a cold with no chicken noodle soup in the house. I'm hoping the Robitussin I buy for the kids works for me, too, because I really don't want to spend the money to buy more Nyquil. I probly will anyway. Cause nothing touches this throat so I can sleep at night, so the only option I have is to take something that will knock me out! Anyway, a grocery shopping day it is then! Sorry, to be so unfun, but I'm still under the influence of the last of the Nyquil which should wear off soon, so I can drive, and eat!

An Alien Has Invaded And...Justin Bieber? What's He Doing On My Blog?!

2011-11-13T23:35:00.000-08:00

Well, once again it's super-duper late, and I don't have much to say, but wanted to check in. I finally decided to get a real cold, not just that little itchy throat, and a little bit of fatique I was having there for a while. Not to mention, my toe flairing up again, my eyes hurting like I might be getting an infection there as well, and my ears plugged up. That sucked! But no, the kids had another 4 day weekend for parent-teacher conferences, which I got out of the way on Wednesday afternoon, so I could just relax and enjoy having my kids home for the rest of their long break. Well, I woke up from a nap on Thursday afternoon with what felt like much more than a scratchy throat. Sure enough, soon I was sneezing, and my nose was getting stuffy, and my head started to feel to big! This was not good. Angela and Jeremiah got a bunch of stuff in the mail for their birthdays. Cards and money. So, of course, Angela wanted me to take her out. I refused, and her dad said she could wait till tomorrow. It worked out well, cause Jeremiah would be going hunting with his daddy, for his 13th birthday! Yes, we now officially have a teenager!!! Not that we weren't dealing with hormones already! The kid's a hormone crazed....I don't know what he is? He's an alien, I think! That's it! The aliens came down one night, took the sweet little boy out of him, and put one of their aliens inside of him, so now he's all alien. He just looks human! That's it! That explains everything! Even the little glimpses I get of that little boy, because surely they missed a few parts, right?

Anyway, yeah, so now I've spent the entire vacation sick! I did take Angela to the grocery store, so she could buy a magazine full of posters. Mostly Justin Bieber posters, and then I helped her download some songs onto the iPad. Mostly Justin Bieber songs there as well. I was at one point going to make my kids only listen to Christian music, but I've decided that as long as it's not really evil they can listen to it. JB's okay. Nothing too immoral in his music. I've decided if I push her too hard, she'll really revolt on me and that could get ugly. The Bieber Fever ends, I do believe. Like I got over my mad crush on Donnie Wahlberg in the nineties, she'll get over Justin Bieber. (Did I just admit to being in love with Donnie Wahlberg on my blog! OMG!) Someday! Here's hoping! And praying, of course. That always helps. Anyway, after that I just stayed drugged on Nyquil, which I should go into my Nyquil induced coma right now, but I'm talking to you all. Anyway, wish my babies happy birthday! And good night!

What We Call Ourselves

2011-11-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, I was just looking through my notes from that week that stuff was just leaping off the page at me, and most of it, I feel was just for me, so I won't be sharing it on here. I'm not real sure you'd get it anyway :) He is a very personal God that way, which is exactly the way I like Him....Well, most of the time. You know, sometimes when He gets up in my business I don't like it too much, but it's always for my best, so yeah, that's the way I like Him. I did think a lot about names and how they affect us. How we tend to live out what we are called even if it's a lie. I have found this to be true. My pastor has been teaching from the book of John and if I remember correctly it was John who referred to Himself as the "disciple whom Jesus loved." I was thinking and even wrote down in my notes, how much more we would trust Him, if we all thought of ourselves that way. Cause really, I'm the disciple that Jesus loves, and so are you. We all are!! So, why don't we think that way about ourselves and talk that way about ourselves? I think it starts out as something we feel would be too prideful, so we don't say it or write it, or however we communicate, we don't communicate to others that we are loved by Jesus. We say "Jesus loves YOU" but how often do we say "Jesus loves me." Not often, and I think we need to. I don't think it's arrogant to say that I'm the disciple Jesus loves. Other people might, but I think it's honest. He does. In all my imperfection, all my failures, all my sin, Jesus loves ME! Totally and completely. Pastor talked a few weeks ago about how labels define us, even when we don't want them, too. Oh, how I know that to be true! I was labelled, "stupid", "ugly", "lazy", "a failure", and all sorts of other things and I've believed them and proved them over and over again. I'm trying to replace those old lies with God's Truth. I'm trying to believe what He says about me. I'm saying His Truth from His Word out loud. I'm memorizing His Word (or trying to anyway) and studying it. Recently on Twitter, one of my followers said that I had "strength and beauty in my God", when trying to suggest people to follow. I did a double take. Wait, did that say @shellpaparazzo (my twitter name)? Why, yes, it did! What did she just call me. I went to bed that night with the thought in my head, "I am strong and beautiful," and I smiled! If my toe wasn't hurting so badly, I probably would have actually slept as well! I felt such peace and love thinking of myself that way. Did I feel arrogant? Not at all!!! I know I didn't come by strength and beauty on my own! God gave them to me! No effort of mine made me that way. I believe that in the time that person started following me, I had begun to express strength and beauty even on twitter, as God has been transforming my mind and changing my heart! I love Him so much! And I am so grateful! There is no way I would be anywhere or be able to do anything without Him! I know that to the depth of my being! I know who I was when He found me better than anyone does, and trust me when I tell you, I believe in miracles, because I AM ONE!! No doubt about it! Now, I hope this blog post can be followed somewhat. I know I mostly just spit out my thoughts! Final thought (although I think I might have mentioned it earlier): I LOVE JESUS!!!!!

Update On The Paparazzos

2011-11-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

I would like to update you on family life! My husband got a deer on his birthday! Not a big one. It didn't even have antlers, and it was NOT a doe! It was a buck! You have never tasted such tender, delicious meat in your life! Jeremiah will be turning 13 on the 11th (God help us all!) though we've been dealing with hormones as many of you know for quite sometime. His voice is very crackly. He sounds hoarse all the time now. It's sort of weird. I hear when my nephew went through this stage, instead of crackling he just totally lost his voice and when he started talking again he sounded like a MAN! How boring!!! You didn't even get to laugh at him, I guess. (I wasn't around him at all during that time.) Jeremiah sounds hilarious when he gets upset!!! It's awesome!! I try not to point it out to much, though, cause Angela makes fun of him enough as it is! Jeremiah finished up football and is now playing basketball. He's a little disappointed because he didn't make the A team. He's on the B team. That's okay. It's his first year, and not playing as much will help him to focus on getting a couple of his grades back up. They're not bad, but he wants straight A's because he was promised some cash if that happens :) Whatever it takes to keep him motivated! This is why he'll be playing 4 sports this year. He loves sports of almost all kinds, and knows he can't play if he doesn't keep his grades up, so we let him play. If you're wondering how it's 4 sports and not 3 sports, it's because the junior high here separates basketball season from wrestling season, so he'll be wrestling in January. He'll be done with basketball by Christmas.

Angela is our newly crowned 11 year old! She is making friends left and right, had a terrible time deciding which one friend she was going to invite to go to the movies this weekend with her and her dad. This will be her birthday celebration. Her birthday was on the 1st. The weekend before, we were focused on Halloween. (I really should've dressed as a pumpkin the year she was born. I wouldn't have even needed any stuffing! My belly would do fine! I was anti-Halloween back then!) Then, of course, during the week we are too busy. Her with school and Josh with work. She and I have been shopping the last couple of days after school. She got money from her grandma (my mom). She ended up buying a couple of books with her money! She loves this new series called the Dork Diaries. I have to admit they're kind of cute! And totally remind me of the awkward middle school years! The perfect thing to make her feel she isn't alone! The author is a genious, I swear!!! Perfect for girls her age! And it's got her interested in reading, so it makes mama and her teacher's happy! She read the first two last year, cause she checked them out at the library when they first got them in!!! They have 2 more out now, and they were on sale at Wal-Mart, so she bought both of them! She's so excited and took them to school today, cause she can't wait to brag! She's only the 2nd girl in the class to get one of them, and the newest one, no one else in her class has yet, so she's super excited!!! On our budget, she isn't often the first to get anything!!! She asked me on the way back from Wal-Mart last night if I have an "inner voice" that warns me about stuff! Cause she says she does. She's been warned away from many situations and people! She's later realized some of the time, why those things were not a good idea, and sometimes not, but she figures there must be a reason! I was blown away, and nearly slammed on the brakes of my car in excitement for my baby girl!!! I told her, "Sweetie! That's the Holy Spirit!" It's just amazing to me that at 11 years old, she's that in tune with Him!!! She has taken to doing her devotionals on a daily basis within the last year, and that must be why!! Amazing!!!

Chloe's still her totally sanguine self!!! Halloween was hilarious! Everything was so exciting! Apparently her favorite candy in the whole world is smarties! Such a simple candy, and yet she jumped up and down with such joy every time she got them!!! When we went to the Harvest Festival at the Nazarene church, she got these tickets they give out at the game stations and they can turn them in for little toy type things, and she came running out of the store, jumping up and down and waving her new prize in me and Josh's faces, squealing "I got a glow stick! I got a glow stick!" The simplest things, I'm telling you, are the greatest treasures to her!!! You gotta love her!!! What else are you gonna do with that bundle of energy?!

Anyway, you mostly know what I'm up to, cause I talk about myself all the time, so that's all for now!

Peter Walking On The Water

2011-11-02T22:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, not quite as late being on here as I have been in the past, so we're going to try to write a real post this time. I wanted to talk to you about Peter walking on the water, so let's see if I can gather my thoughts. First, I have to get out my bible! Ha! That would help!!!

Matthew 14:25-32
During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

This is the passage I was telling you about a few weeks ago that hit me in a new way. Read this so many times, as I know many of you have as well, but something hit me that never hit me before. Now, as many of you know, I'm doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free book, not the workbook, just the book, right now. Yes, I said I'm doing it, almost as though it were a bible study, and not just a book. Sort of doing it in my own way and sometimes I go back and read a chapter or two or three over again and look up many of the scriptures again! For instance, this is actually in chapter 7 of her book, and I am currently back in chapter 5 again! I know, I'm weird! I have referred to my workbook, Breaking Free, that I did years ago, from time to time as well. In the book, Mrs. Moore talks about how the storm continues as Peter walks out onto the water, that Jesus doesn't calm the storm until after they're back in the boat, and that He may not always calm our storms either, but ask us to trust Him in the midst of the storm(loosely translated, I believe that's sort of what she was getting at.) The chapter is on enjoying the presence of God and so she was emphasizing that while we might not enjoy the storm, we can enjoy His presence in the midst of the storm, but even though that was the emphasis she was taking and yes, it did resonate with me, something else about that passage hit me that she didn't emphasize. I believe God emphasized it for me! This was particularly important to me in my situation.

As you all know, I have struggled with depression almost all of my life, and the part that really jumped out at me was when Peter cried out and Jesus "reached out his hand and caught him." This just made my heart squeeze again. Even just a minute ago when I wrote that it grabbed my heart once again, and made me love Jesus even more! I just can't get over it! I'm telling you, this was HUGE to me, and I bet you're wishing I would just hurry up and tell you instead of just telling you that it meant a lot to me. I thought about the fact that Peter doubted. I've often thought that when I doubted God in the midst of depression that He would just let me drown, but no! Peter doubted, and when he cried out to Jesus, even while doubting, "Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Do you see where I'm going with this!!! I would have expected Him to be like, "Well, since you doubted I'm just going to let you drown!" But that's NOT what Jesus did! First He "reached out his hand...." Oh, how those words right there just grab me every time!!! When, I cry for Him, even when I doubt His ability to rescue me, to heal me, or His desire to do so, He will still reach back for me, and save me! He won't let me drown in depression! As long as I keep crying out to Him, no matter how weak my faith is, He'll reach back every single time! He rescued him and only then did He ask him why he had doubted! And he only asked him once. He didn't lecture. I love that about God. I don't think He has ever lectured me! Pastors have lectured me, counselors have lectured me, my parents (of course: insert eye roll) have lectured me, my husband may have even lectured me a time or two, but God never has!!! He doesn't need to. He knows I'm either listening or I'm not. No point in lecturing, because after all, I will just roll my eyes. I'll admit it. I'm not much less rebellious than I was as a teenager with my parents. (I can't believe I just admitted that!) I felt like God whispered sweetly to me, while holding me in His arms at that very moment, that I read that and said, "My Child. I'm. Not. Going. To let you drown!" He's not. He's going to reach back, every single time that I cry out to Him in fear that I'm going to drown. Then we'll work on increasing my faith. But only after He catches me. Oh, I love Him soooooo much! Have I mentioned that! He is My Jesus! And I wish I could say that I'll never doubt Him again, but I probably will, and He'll reach out and catch me....again!!!

Revisiting My Priorities

2011-11-01T00:40:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been more than a week! That is sooo sad!:( My priorities have been so screwed up lately, but I'm getting them straightened out again, as God is showing me that the times I don't spend in His Word, for the longest, are the times that my issues seem to take complete control. They're always there to test me, but they don't get the full blown control until I fail to prioritize my time with Him. That's all for now. I swear, one of these days I really will give you a real blog post!

Being At Peace With Believers Who Disagree With Me

2011-10-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

Ya'll I have a headache and so much to catch you up on! I seriously do not have enough time for this blogging thing, but I love it! The reason I get on here so little these days, I guess, is because I have a life! Ha!! So good to have a life, but I have this thing in me that wants to tell the world all about it, and that takes time, too! Wow! Life doesn't make sense when you think about it, does it! I mean, we'd love to just write all the time, but if we did that we'd have nothing to write about, and if we have a life, we have little time to write. I have to say, I like being busy. I wish more of my time was spent writing, but that is not where God has me now. We'll have to see what the future has in store. The reason I don't do a lot of editting before I publish these, sometimes not at all, is because nothing would ever actually get on here, if I did! Do ya'll recall the devotional book I was writing last November, almost a whole year ago? I'm still studying 1Corinthians chapter 1 for the rewrite of that! Yep! Not a lot of studying time! Most of that was taken up by my little journey within my journey from this summer, and then the journey that has resulted from that journey, which is why I'm doing Breaking Free again. On my own, super slow, and going back and forth a little as God leads. I have read some chapters of the book several times, and I am considering getting out my workbook and doing some of that as well.

I have been going to church and last week as you know, was great. This week not so much. There's a young lady that has said some very hurtful things to people I love very much, at my church, and I know that somehow I have to forgive her, even though, she, in all her self-righteousness, thinks she is in the right. She is judging people based on half-truths and rumors and she has a lot of power in a particular ministry here in town. She's in charge of this particular ministry and decides who should be helped and how. I know her job is tough, and in a way she has to be judgmental, but it still bugs me. She's in a position to really either bless lives or ruin them, and I hate to see her ruining them. The crazy thing is she's a former addict, so I'd really love to remind her of who she once was, and would she really want to encounter herself now as that broken, hurting, desperate woman? Of course, she'd never listen to me, because I'm one of the people she looks down on, and always has, though she won't admit it. I had a bad feeling about her from the moment I met her, but gave her the benefit of the doubt, and tried very hard to see the good in her, and there was a lot to be seen, as she was extremely grateful for all that God has done for her, and I'm sure still is, but she's sure not showing a lot of grace or mercy to others. Particularly if they're people she just doesn't naturally like. However, the question is, how to forgive, while still protecting myself, and remaining on the side of those she's hurt. And not just her. Others have hurt people, too, amongst the counseling group she's a part of, but she's in a position of power that scares me a little. But I do know that God is bigger than all that. It just frustrates me, because I know of one person who could use some help and at times this other person is in a position to help where I can't, and she won't. So, in other words, I want to help and can't, while I see someone who could only hurting. All I can do is listen and tell her how sorry I am and that I know this isn't right. This isn't God's way of doing things. It is hard to deal with this group of counselors at my church and still have fellowship with them while disagreeing. My friend, Jeni, and I seem to handle it well, but that's because she knows me. That's because she ever bothered to get to know me. Now, I know I promised some teaching type of things, but I kind of went off on something else, so that will have to wait.

Oh, yes, one of the pastor's said this morning that he sometimes doesn't feel like going to church, but once he comes he's glad he did, and he remembers that for next time and so even though, he once had to go on faith to believe that God wanted him to go to church, then he went and experienced the blessings of that, and then he also had evidence of what can happen when you obey God. That is nice. Some of us have to go on faith with no evidence for weeks on end. I didn't feel like going back to church after we all returned from Camp Grizzly, but went anyway, and then it was miserable and very discouraging, and it made it harder to want to go. I didn't want to go and be further discouraged, and it's taken me a long time to go back again. I'm hoping I can find a good balance in standing by my convictions and continuing to heal while also being able to fellowship with people who disagree with me in where I am at and where people I love are at.

The Teacher In Me Is About To Burst!

2011-10-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

Ya'll! I have had the neatest week in so many ways! I wish I could tell you all about it, but there's just no way!!! I went to church last Sunday for the first time in a long time! Pastor Kim preached an amazing sermon! I still think he should stick to teaching and leave the counseling to others, but don't think the situation is entirely his fault. I do not like the way this counseling group teaches them to counsel people!!! Also, while he was preaching I had some really amazing thoughts based on the passages he read that had very little to absolutely nothing to do with what he was actually preaching on!!! Weird how that happens! I swear I could have taught two whole other lessons on what popped into my head. It resonated so much with me that I jotted down some notes for a possible future blog post on it! I'd do it now, but ya'll it's after 11 at night! It happened again while I was reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore. In a passage she was teaching from something else entirely different, but related very much to my particular bondage, just sort of popped out at me. It wasn't something she had emphasized in her writing, but it hit me and it has been brewing in my brain most of the afternoon! It so relates to my situation and that is one I will definitely be blogging about! Just to give you a head's up, it came from the passage where Peter walks on the water. I know! A passage most of us have read like a zillion times and I'd never thought about it like this before!!!! I love how God does that with His Word! LIVING Word, no doubt!!!! Love it! Anyway, I just thought I'd say hey, before I check out for the night. Let ya'll know I'm still here!

One Of My Worst Days And It's Only Going To Cause More "Worst Days"

2011-10-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so yesterday was a horrible day. I was sad to see that Mercy Ministries has changed it's name to Resource Ministries. (I mean does that sound cold, calculating, and uncaring to anyone besides me?) And from the things they talked about in why the name change it seems that, much like my church, they are steering much more towards legalism. Also, the Resource Ministries (I hate that name!) is strongly tied to the counseling group that has been severely damaging to me in my situation, which makes me feel that this ministry is much less available to me as a human being with struggles. Also, I discovered that someone else on Twitter, who I interacted with quite a bit, actually, had blocked me. I knew why and consider it to be mostly a difference of opinion. I believe that Christians who are not really being very gracious or compassionate people need to be talked about more. Not by name, just in general. I think it's important that Christians understand that just because a Christian leader tells them something is how it is with you, doesn't make it true. Only God really knows that and constantly judging people without hearing them out is totally wrong and is what my pastor and several others have done with me here in Moscow. They just assume I'm just like everyone else they've dealt with who struggles with depression or sin issues in their lives. Even when they do let me talk, they prove by what they say later, that they didn't even hear what I said. They never bothered listening.

Then, later on in the day, after taking Angela around thrift shopping for her costume pieces for Halloween, I had to go get Jeremiah from football practice. Often his friend and neighbor, Christian, rides with me as well. Otherwise he usually has to walk home. Or chooses to, I'm not sure which. Always when I pick them up, the first words out of his mouth are "I'm hungry. Can we go to McDonald's?" And my answer is always, "No, my husband would kill me if I spent the money, and for good reason. I really can't afford it. You can eat when you get home." (For crying out loud it's not like it takes forever. We live in a town that is all of 11 square miles! It takes less than 5 minutes to get anywhere in town!) I asked, of course, if he's always hungry, which is like, well, duh, he's a 7th grade boy, of course, he's always hungry. The kids proceeded to be irritated and noisy, and Angela was even hitting her brother with a shopping bag from the backseat (he was in the front seat). I told them to settle down. They were going to cause me to get in an accident. Low a behold a few minutes later that is exactly what happened. Not that it's entirely their fault. I should have been paying more attention at the intersection. I went to make a right turn and cross into the far lane, since it was close to where I needed to make a left to get home. Another car was coming from across the road on the other side of the intersection and was already in the far lane, and I sideswiped her! Oh, boy. We both pulled into Walgreen's and got out of our cars to ask each other what we were supposed to do, as neither of us, as it turned out, had ever been in an accident before! I'm usually ultra cautious at that intersection, and am still kicking myself over this! We of course, called the cops, and did everything we were supposed to do. (The police officer helped with this, of course, and explained everything to us, and what we need to do in following up.) And of course, I was issued a citation for an improper turn. Ugh! Stupid me! So there goes 85 dollars, not to mention that, since it was my fault, our insurance will most certainly go up! Talk about a BAD day! I did go home and change out of my sweats into jeans and make it to Jeremiah's Court of Honor, albeit in a t-shirt, which I normally would never do, but oh, well. At least I wasn't wearing sweats :) He received his First Class rank, as well as a whole bunch of merit badges. I'm not sure how many. He did have six weeks of Scout camp, unlike most boys, who only get 1 week! And since I did that I still haven't called Christian's mom to get some information from her that the officer needs for his report since Christian was also in the accident. Ugh! I am so embarrassed. Angela's thrilled, because I'll be in the paper, and that qualifies for her to do her "newspaper" report next week on me, and she can add extra details that won't be in the paper, since she was there. Thrilled for you, Angela, really. (Do you sense the sarcasm.)

Of course, the money situation was already tight and now it's almost impossibly tight, and it was suggested by a friend that maybe I should get a job. Little does she know, that is one of my "issues" and at the thought, I immediately started sweating, heart started pounding...you know, all truly wonderful symptoms of an anxiety attack. I know it's ridiculous, and this whole situation is extremely distressing to me, and I have no doubt what my pastor would say about it. Ugh! Let's not go there!

Halloween Is Ridiculous And So Are My Kids

2011-10-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, people, there is something seriously wrong about children having 5 day weekends! That's backwards. They're supposed to have school for 5 days, and then I get them for only 2 days straight! I mean, if it was Thanksgiving or Christmas it would be fine. Those are vacations, not weekends! But it's not even close. Heck, Halloween is weeks away still (I think). My kids are already asking when we're going to get their costumes. I was secretly hoping they'd forgotten their even was a dressing up, candy gorging holiday coming up, but I guess sending them to public school, and the mall or the grocery store, for that matter, kind of illiminates that possibility. What really gets me is they were selling Halloween decorations and what-not in August! Seriously? Who buys Halloween decorations in August? I buy school supplies in August! I can't afford Halloween, too. Angela wants to be a gangster, which I reluctantly agreed to. It's slightly pushing the whole "no evil costumes" stance I've gone with, but then again, so is Darth Vader, which my husband insists he's going to do when he can afford that "totally awesome" 2,000 dollar costume he saw in some catalog or online or something. No, that was not a typo. They really sell a 2,000 dollar costume for totally insane Star Wars worshipping people. Personally, I have a strict no idol worshipping mindset in my home, but what can you do?!!! Personally, I'm going to work on the guilt factor, if ever we do have an extra 2,000 dollars laying around just waiting to be spent. "Seriously, there are starving people in the world, and you're going to spend 2,000 dollars so you can wear a costume once a year?" Personally, I think it's a good point. I think I'd rather adopt a World Vision child or 2 or 3. That would be a much better use of my money.

Besides the pushing my limits on the "no evil costumes" rule, what happened to my darling little princess? I know, I know. I should have figured out when she begged to play ice hockey that "darling little princess" was out of the question! Or even before that, when she came home bragging that she'd beaten all the boys in her class and even some in the class above her at arm wrestling. In fact, she beat her own brother at arm wrestling. I'm sure he appreciates me broadcasting that to the world! Of course, I don't think she can do that now, cause now he's a big, bad football player. Oh, and he just added for me, "and I kick butt." He gained 25 percent of the yards two nights ago! That might have something to do with the 500 mile an hour moving legs he has!!!! I'm telling you that kid can MOVE!!!! He's a Running Back in case you were wondering! Okay, and then when Angela's brother joined the football team, she announced that she was not going out for boring Volleyball in junior high, thank you very much. She wants to play football cause "you get to hit people and not get in trouble for it." Not that getting in trouble for hitting people has ever stopped her!

Anyway, hopefully the sword wielding Jeremiah and Chloe had better not return to my bedroom to beat on each other on my bed, nearly hitting my laptop! And they still have two more days before school resumes!

Me, Grieving, Alone

2011-10-04T20:04:00.000-07:00

Well, the speakers at Women of Faith were awesome as always!!!! I didn't care too much for some of the people I went with as usual. I'm not a big fan of Celebrate Recovery here in Moscow anymore. I do love a few truly wonderful people who go there. Of course, none of them are leaders. What is it with me and leaders? They always seem to misunderstand and judge me, although this time it was mostly one who's not on leadership and thinks she knows me. She doesn't. Most people I find don't even listen to me enough to actually know me. The people who judge me most at Celebrate Recovery are those that aren't even in small group with me, so not only do they not hear me talking about personal things, it's not like 3-5 minutes once a week is enough time of me talking for them to really know me, like they think they do, anyway. Wow! That was a horrifyingly awful run-on sentence! I'm famous for these, but that was really bad! Okay, ADD brain, get back on target. I only knew Lisa Whelchel by name as someone who was a speaker before I went, so she wasn't even one of the speakers I was looking forward to hearing, and yet it was her book I ended up buying, "Friendship for Grown-Ups." If you, like me, had no friends growing up, for whatever reason, I highly recommend it. I've only begun reading it, but I love it, and interestingly enough, she talks about grieving in this book, which I was not expecting. One of the problems I'm having though, is with her assessment that "it's okay to be needy." I find that I'm too needy and this is why I struggle in relationships. It's when I start sharing my struggles, even a little bit, that people either get mean, or run for their lives! This hurts very deeply. As if I didn't need counseling before, I most definitely need it now! But she did give me permission to grieve. Further confirmation for me that I need to grieve the losses in my life! Thirty-six years worth of them, that I have never been allowed to grieve over! Some of these are actual people in my life that have died. Some of these are friendships that were severed and some of it is just things I should have had growing up, like parents who loved me and were affectionate, and talked to me about the things that I was struggling through, instead of me having to go it alone. And of course, all of the abuse! I could be grieving for a while, so if you have a problem with people grieving, you probably don't want to be my friend for many, many years!!!! Hopefully, it won't take 36 years to grieve through 36 years of loss! But I don't think it's going to be overnight either. I wish it would be. It isn't fun for me either. I think the time will be even longer, because I am left alone to grieve, with no one to talk to, because most have indicated in one way or another that they disapprove, and because I've had my trust broken so much over the last several months, I'm finding myself unable to let people close to me, in. Also, there aren't really any Christian Counselors available here, and even the one's that are here, we can't afford. We are down to bare minimum, so I'm stuck. I'm not trusting anyone who is not a professional. I've also quit going to church, cause I'm tired of leaving discouraged and crying. I'm not going to bible study, cause I'm afraid of me talking to much, as usual, and getting hurt. My very personality seems to be wrong. The one I was born with. Anybody who thinks I don't have a sanguine personality, you're wrong. People who knew me when I was little tell me I was a sanguine from the beginning. Years of being torn down took there toll and I became painfully shy, but that's not really who I am! I will not be defined by the me that I became as a result of abuse and depression! I did quit going to Celebrate Recovery, but a friend threatened to kidnap me and drag me there, so I went :) I stuck to her like a leach, and totally avoided talking to certain people but I went.

I Survived!!!!

2011-10-02T00:52:00.000-07:00

And here I had anticipated giving you a full run down of my life, but alas, after at least skimming through my friends posts from the last couple of weeks, it is almost 1 am! I'm just going to have to tell you that I'm alive still. We continued to have internet issues, though, I do believe they are solved now. I survived Women of Faith. I did have some emotional issues that involved a run-in with an old friend, who came with us. She judged me and basically, pretty much said she didn't like my personality, and tried to change me. Not entirely. Some of the things she said, she had a point, but she was also missing a lot. Anyway, it was cause for an emotional day and then an emotional couple of weeks with processing everything. Many of the speakers addressed many issues in my life. I will tell you more at a later date (hopefully not too much later!)

Internet Troubles And Me "Working"

2011-09-14T21:43:00.001-07:00

Warning: This post may or may not discuss female hormones and the physical manifestations (periods) that are produced by said hormones. So, guys, and gals who are uncomfortable with this particular subject for whatever reason, may want to refrain from reading this post. Consider yourself warned.

Well, we seem to have survived the 3 days that we had no internet at all. Yes, since I posted last we have pretty much not had internet at all. It went out Sunday morning again, and I did not catch it on again until this morning, when, of course, we had scheduled for a tech guy from Time-Warner to come out and look at it, and, hopefully, fix it for us. I was afraid this might result in him not understanding what the problem was, but it was clear that our signal, which should have been full-strength, is very weak. He looked to see why, and figured out that the lines that are underground are pretty much done for. So, it's going to take some doing to fix it. He did remove a spacer, I think it said it was, that didn't need to be there, giving us a stronger signal for now. It's still not as strong as it should be, so they will be looking at getting a work order to come out and dig and replace that underground line. He said to call if it continues cutting out on us, cause they could put in a temporary above ground line if necessary. They like to avoid doing that, however, since it does produce a problem for things like lawn mowing and sometimes people trip over them and things like that, so hopefully, it will work okay until they can fix it more permanently.

Anyway, I will be going to Women Of Faith Over The Top, this weekend in Spokane, Washington. I'm pretty excited about it. Some really wonderful people that I know from my church are going with us. We will meet to carpool at 7 am in the Rosauer's parking lot. I haven't gotten a ride yet, so hopefully, at that point they will throw me in with somebody. I'm sure they won't leave me to fend for myself! I also do not know who I'm staying with or anything as far as hotel accomodations. I will find that out as well. I also don't know which hotel, of the two hotels, they made reservations at, that I will be staying in. I do not have to pay for my ticket or hotel. I was asked to do 4 hours of work at the Hope Center, which I know I blogged about in the past, to "pay" for my trip to Spokane. I know it's still a steal since I know I would not get paid what the ticket and accomodations cost for the work that I did, so I'm so grateful.

I'm actually really grateful for the work that I was able to do at the Hope Center as well, though. For one thing it distracted me from what I couldn't do on here this week. It also showed me that there are things I am capable of doing. I'm not totally helpless, and that people will appreciate the work I do and not consider me too slow, or just in the way, like I was always treated growing up. I fear making even the smallest of mistakes as a result of the often violent ways that my family responded when I would even make a simple mistake. I experienced the same at the one job I had in college that wasn't working for my parents. I don't like working around people for this reason. I have found myself being uncomfortable at times when I thought I didn't really like the way I was having to do something, but not seeing a better option at the time. I was worried that the workers there would have a problem with the way I organized things on the shelves or whatever. I'm sure they'll never complain, cause I'm sort of volunteer labor. Well, this time I was part of the Goods for Services program they have. Yes, they allowed women who couldn't afford to go, but wanted to go to Women Of Faith, to work 4 hours at the Hope Center as part of that program. It's one of the many ways the Hope Center serves our community. It's also a thrift store. It's really, truly, a wonderful place. I've bought many things there for my family. In fact, there are probably just as many things from there in my house as there are from Wal-Mart or any place like that at this point. Love that place, and love that my money goes to help others in need when I shop there! Sometimes, obviously, that person in need is me, although, I wouldn't really consider a desire to go to Women Of Faith a need really, but I was happy when they offered me this opportunity. It also ensured that I wouldn't feel quite so guilty about letting them pay my way while I save up for the SSMT celebration in January. I really don't have the money anyway, even if I wasn't going for that. This would be why I still have not made hotel reservations or bought plane tickets yet! But it will happen! We're doing our best to make sure it does! Well, my best I suppose might be getting a job, although, I'm not quite emotionally ready for that, yet. Like I said, the few hours I put in this week at the Hope Center produced some anxiety, even when I was working with people I know love me, and not for very long periods of time. These people are my friends, and are happy to have any help. I may continue helping there on a volunteer basis next week. I still have not had time to look for counseling. Now, since getting ready for Women of Faith, became a priority, I'll have to do that next week. It just keeps getting pushed back, but that's okay. It will be fine.

Now, my only concern with Women of Faith, and why I hadn't made that a priority to save up for or anything before, is because I went once before. It wasn't a positive experience :( I went with some people I didn't really know and I don't sleep well, so first off, I had one lady get mad at me for being up and down all night on Friday night (it is a Friday-Saturday event). She was really annoyed and talked to me very rudely. Actually, she didn't even talk directly to me. She just made rude, sarcastic remarks very loudly when I was nearby. Also, unlike the Living Proof Live conferences I enjoy so much, there are several speakers and musicians and they all have very different styles. Some are funny, some are more serious, so you find yourself laughing one minute and crying the next. I'm already quite emotional, so that was very hard for me to deal with. Of course, that was early in my recovery, when I was still pretty uncomfortable with feeling anything at all!! I think I had emotion overload, because I crashed and I crashed hard, upon returning home. I decided to risk it this time, because this opportunity was offered directly to me on facebook. I was thrilled that someone would care enough to single me out as someone who could benefit from this offer! So, how could I turn it down?! I didn't....obviously. But, given the emotional issues, you can imagine how thrilled I was when I started my period this afternoon. (Now, I'M about to get sarcastic!) Gee, thanks God. Let's add some hormones to this mix and see if we can get some drama out of her!!! How do ya like that!?! Man, oh, man. Oh, well. I'm sure it will be fine. At least this time I'm aware of how emotional it will be and how long! It's all day Friday and all day Saturday, so a lot longer than LPL! So, I'm sure we will manage and be prayed up. I hope many of you will pray for me as well. I have many other things to tell you, but alas, it will have to wait!

I Had A Few Semi-random Thoughts

2011-09-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

Well, my internet's been in and out for a couple of weeks. Now it seems to be more in than out, so maybe we'll actually be able to accomplish something on here.

Thoughts after my first week and a a half of having a 7th grader (some related to that, others not so much.)

1. Why does my son's head turn into a tomato when you mention girls?

2....And he grins from ear to ear, showing his adorable dimples! (I can never get him to do that for school pictures?)

3. What is it with our family and death on school picture day? My grandma died on school picture day and we got the news just before. My son got the news right before(and I do mean RIGHT before) they took his pictures that his best friend's baby brother died. Still don't know waht happened. I'm guessing SIDS, but do not yet know. He was 2 months old and perfectly healthy. Jeremiah loved that kid and I know his family did, too. Please pray for them. Jeremiah's friend, Christian, is also in the 7th grade, and they have a few other kids as well.

4.In all my selfishness (am I sick or what?!) I thought, "Great, now I'm definitely not going to get a smile out of him in his pictures." In light of everything, WHO CARES!!!!!!

5. Is it really necessary for boy's to stick their hands down their pants every 20 minutes or so?

6. Why do they not care if they get hurt as long as they got to hurt someone else in the process? (Tackling in football.)

7. Why don't we just paint my car yellow and paint "Taxi Cab" on the side, cause that is what I am. I would really rather not live in my car, but alas, I am.

8. I had a whole lot of thoughts for you yesterday. Today, not so much. But then, that was before I got the above news about nearby families baby. Why must things like this happen?

A Day With My Girls And SSMT

2011-09-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

I was planning to have a day out with my girls today. It may have to wait until Monday. After all, that is the holiday. Anyway, Chloe's coughing and sniffling like crazy from allergies, but nobody ever believes that it's just allergies, so we stayed home from Celebrate Recovery last night. Not that CR does anything for me anymore, except to remind me that no one but God gets it, and even though I know I have God and that's all I really need, it hurts to not have people to share with that understand. I have not been sleeping well, partially due to emotional pain, but mostly because I'm pretty sure I have Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS). It's been driving me crazy and even can feel a sort of numb tingly feeling in my leg now. I really can't describe it to you. It's awful! I haven't slept much in days!!!!! Chloe's still coughing today, and says her stomach and throat hurt. We were going to go to the pool today if it was warm, which it is fairly warm. Or to the mall. Chloe needs to spend the 30 dollars that she got from grandma for her birthday, and I was going to get Angela a small treat, so it wasn't just about Chloe, which it has been for far too long. Chloe didn't get a real Birthday party, but she had FOUR birthday cakes! One at the family reunion, one that Angela baked for her at the neighbor's house, one we bought when we celebrated as a family last weekend at the pool, and then one that evening at Josh's mom's house, where we had a barbecue before Aunt Judy headed back to Texas. So, her birthday drug on, and on, and on, and on......You get the idea. So, I want to treat Angela a little, too.

They're all happy to be back in school with their friends. Jeremiah did well on his first day of 7th grade. He even helped another 7th grader with her locker combination. He also asked me if he could take my scripture verse magnets to put his posters up in his lockers with. He wanted some scripture in there, also. I have other magnets that are just simple magnets with no verses, but he specifically wanted the verses, to remind him that he does represent Jesus at the school. Be still, my heart! Just when I think he's morphed into totally disrespectful, obnoxious teen boy, he proves to me that he still loves Jesus and wants to live for Him! How did this messed up woman get such an amazingly faithful boy!!!!!???!!! And my girls love Jesus, too. Having a harder time convincing them that they should listen to Christian music more than secular music. I have no problem with some secular music, but Angela hardly listens to anything else! I want to fill her head with God-thoughts. I don't think she realizes how much what we listen to affects our attitudes and everything else! Oh, and now I hear Skillet playing out in the living room! Thank you, Jesus! He is awesome, how He reminds me how committed they truly are!

I just registered today for the SSMT celebration in Houston. God's going to have to do something amazing to provide for that trip, though! It was a given, but things have changed and we're not sure we can swing it. I haven't done anything fun just for me in years! Like our entire marriage! So I really feel like I need this trip! Plus, I'm having so much fun talking to the siestas on twitter, and want so much to meet the people I've gotten to know there in person!!!! I have loved scripture memory, and needed it soooooo much this year! I'm sure I have every year, but I am especially aware of it this year. Hopefully, I'll have time to look for counseling next week while the kids are in school.

Discouraging People

2011-08-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I've changed this summer. You wouldn't know it from the reactions from my church, but maybe I have. I don't know. I don't really feel much different, which sucks, cause I've always felt like crap :( I'd really like that not to be the case anymore. I do trust and believe God on a whole new level than ever before. I have seen Him faithfully minister to me this summer, which only encourages me to keep going and keep seeking Him and keep looking for opportunities to serve Him, even in small ways, and to keep looking for the help that I need in healing from my past abuse. I know He will be faithful, in His time. I may not understand why He does things the way He does, but I can trust that He is on my side.

It was hard before, to even want to keep going, cause everyone around me was questioning whether or not I was truly repentant, and whether or not I was hearing God at all. From their reactions it felt like I'd never changed. Not ever, in my entire Christian walk, which, while they may have thought it motivating, after dedicating and rededicating myself to Christ for 16 years, it was actually rather discouraging. Why bother? If my life is no different than before, if I'm no different than before, what good is my seeking Him doing? It's not helping me, and it's most certainly not helping anyone else come to know Him! Don't try to motivate someone by discouraging them. Don't be skeptical of what they say God is doing or telling them. It's not helpful. Unless, you can absolutely see that what they are saying is unbiblical, don't do that! It's not motivating! It's discouraging! I am going to avoid skeptical people for a very long time, cause I REALLY don't need that! That's exactly the kind of "motivation" that my abusive mother used on me, calling me stupid when I'd mess up, or lazy, thinking that it would make me want to prove her wrong. Most people don't operate like that, and it's very hurtful. Especially to a young child. I would like to spend time around people who really do have true faith in God. And not only faith in what He can do in church leaders lives, but everyday, ordinary people, or even damaged people like myself!

Update, Family Reunion, and Counseling

2011-08-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I am exhausted, and that is probably the understatement of the century. Last night after I finally got off of here at about 2o till 3, I got ready for bed. And then laid down to go to sleep, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was going a thousand miles an hour as always, but mostly only because I had heartburn to keep me awake, and for some reason, unlike my husband, if I'm awake I'm thinking. ALWAYS! Always thinking. Even if it's something totally insane and doesn't really matter at all, like whether or not greeks have weird sayings when they don't understand something, like when we say. "It's greek to me." I mean obviously that's not saying anything in Greece (Just an extra special glimpse into my odd mind:))! Anyway, since I had heartburn mostly I thought "this really hurts and I wish it would go away," "Please God, make it go away. I need sleep," and "this really sucks cause I actually do have to get up in the morning and be awake all day at a family reunion." I told God all about it, and got up to take a bath, cause that's what I do in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I'm not sure why. Somehow bath's are just comforting to me. I do this a lot when I'm sick or in some sort of pain, whether it be emotional or physical. Seriously, when I'm upset and know I can't just cry a little and not talk to anyone outloud about it, I go take a bath and bawl my head off and cry out to God. He's been very faithful here as of late in comforting me. I'm sure He was before, too, but I've never really had my whole heart in it, like I have this summer. Mostly in the past I doubted whether or not He even really cared and found it necessary to help Him decide what I needed. I'm not helping Him anymore, I'm just letting Him do it, and to my amazement He's actually quite good at His job, without my help! That was truly shocking, to realize that He can handle me on His own, He really doesn't need my help. I don't think I even consciously realized I was trying to help Him do His job until this last week or so, and then started wondering what's so different about my time devoted entirely to Him (quiet time and other times that I set aside when necessary throughout the day) than ever before. And that's when I realized that the difference was quite simple actually. I quit sort of telling Him what He needed do with me, and just said, "Uh, help! I don't really know what I need exactly. Could you show me?" What a concept! Actually, in trying to help Him, I was only getting in the way! I do realize that I need to get out and seek out people to talk to and be friends with, and maybe a counselor, or something like that, but I don't need to fret about it. When I get a lead on a counselor, I'll contact them and let God take care of the rest. I actually have a couple of leads right now, but I'm waiting till school starts to deal with that. These last couple of weeks before school starts are just a little to crazy to be doing that right now.

I had a good time at the family reunion, but after only about 3 hours of sleep, I'm pretty tired this evening. Can hardly wait for bedtime, even though, knowing me I'll still stay up ridiculously late!:) I am a nightowl. Have been since I was a small child. My mom said even as young as early elementary school age, if she made me go to bed, she'd often find me staring at the ceiling until about 10 o'clock. I guess God just made me this way. Not really sure why. He just did. I finally met one of Josh's cousins that I've been talking with frequently on facebook. A really fantastic young woman, and I'm so happy to be related to her even if it is only as an outlaw :) Yes, this was my husband's family, not mine. No offense, but if it was mine, I would not be happy about it! I actually have met her before, but only formally, once every 2 years at the Judd family reunion. So, didn't really know her at all. Thanks to facebook, I feel like I know her a little, and that helped me to be much more relaxed at this reunion. I mean, obviously, I know Josh's siblings and his mom, but not the rest of them as much. Absolutely love my sis-in-law, Candy. She is one of the most amazing people I know, and I'm not just saying that because she happens to read this blog :) I really mean it! I've never met anyone who could be as content as she is, in such humble circumstances. I'm sometimes a little jealous of her enjoyment in such simplicity. I require sparkly things to be happy:) You know, very girly things. Make-up of all shorts of colors and varieties, in case I get bored with my normal shade. All sorts of wonderful, preferably sparkly nailpolish, of many colors and shades! I'm getting quite bored with having my natural haircolor, with no highlights, lowlights, streaks or anything! That is just WRONG!!! And of course, sparkly jewelry, duh!! And, I just love that even sparkly clothes are in fashion! I just love to sparkle! One can I say!? If I didn't know better, I might just light a sparkler and put it in my hair and walk around like that! LOL!

Wow! Well, I mentioned the counseling situation. This group, the NANC, is apparently quite legalistic. They do not deal with wounded hearts on any level, only sinful hearts. I had started to get that feeling. It seemed as if all of my pain was only do to my own, personal sin. None of it stemmed from my abusive childhood at all. That's why I completed believed my friend when she told me that she had found the group to be legalistic. I had not even told her of my experiences at that point. I had only been telling her about the ministries that my church was involved in and had not told her that I was in counseling at all! So, I had not prompted that in any way. In fact, I was being quite positive about how great it was that we would soon have trained, Biblical Counselors, in Moscow, again. (She was the only one, before.) But when I told her the group they were training through, she balked. She even expressed concern that people could actually be hurt even more deeply with this type of counseling. She had no idea, and still doesn't that I had experienced this exact thing. Somehow I felt too ashamed of myself, to admit to her how much I am still struggling, all these years after I had been seeing her as a counselor, before she moved away. Anyway, I'm hoping to find someone else, soon.

I'm Back! Sorry For The Long Break

2011-08-20T02:07:00.000-07:00

Wow! I have left you guys hanging for a really long time! Since it's past 2 am and I have to get up in just a few hours to go to a family reunion, I'll just let you all know I'm still here. We're all here in fact. I did make it back for the last camp. I left that very night after that last post I wrote and spent the weekend at Camp Grizzly. I'm still hurting. I've learned a few very disappointing things about the counseling group that I've been working with. I'll explain more in a future post, but what it boils down to is legalism, which is one of my biggest pet peeves anyway. I don't need people trying to make me all perfect without any compassion whatsoever and that's basically what they're doing. However, God has been very good to me, and has been ministering to me all by Himself! Who knew? He really doesn't need any help! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt at this point that He has not failed me. Other frail human beings have failed me, but He has not, and I can trust Him to continue to lead me! And now, I better go to bed, or tomorrow (um, actually, today) is going to be horrible!

Who Says There Are Only Drama Queens?

2011-08-04T16:43:00.000-07:00

Negative drama came into my life today, but not because of a female. Well, he would say it was because of a female, but he was the one who decided to shift gears based on that female's emotions. A certain nameless female was asked what was wrong, as she was obviously sad, by the nameless male figure and so she told him what was wrong. Nameless male then said, "Fine, you don't have to go." He then told me that she didn't want to go to Camp Grizzly and he just left. Apparently, nameless female did not even know they were leaving. No one told her. So, she then became even more upset. This certain, nameless male does this very same thing to me all the time! He asks how you're feeling and then when you tell him, he changes plans without even asking you if that's what you wanted, and does it in a very dramatic and matter of fact way, that you don't even get the chance to discuss. It's a little like I imagine it would be to live with an alcoholic, where your entire world is controlled by the drama of the moment. He seems to be offended often by the fact that I don't share my emotions with him, but this would be why. He gets all offended, takes it too personal, and decides to change his plans whether you like it or not, based on your feelings. I don't like it, and I tend to often end up feeling guilty for the changed plans, even though I didn't ask for them. He reacted! Seriously, there are a lot of things that I get emotional about! It doesn't mean I want to change our plans. I have no doubt, regardless of where we move to when Josh gets promoted, there will be some sadness involved. Of course, there will be. Our kids have lived here their whole lives. They've developped some close friendships. With all of their faults we love our church and we'll miss them. We've each invested time and attention to people in our lives that we will miss. That doesn't mean we're not excited about a new adventure, or that we would rather stay here than go where God is calling us to next. It just means that change can be painful. Moving on to the next thing means letting go of some other things, and that's never easy. It would be nice to have a safe environment to express those feelings without anyone suddenly, then, changing all the plans and throwing you into a whirlwind where you're not even sure what's up or down! Thcat's even worse! Dealing with your feelings that come about when change is about to happen is hard enough, without someone going all drama king on you! You're just trying to deal with your emotions about the current situation and then, WHOA, WHAT? What is this? Now you're going to mess with things and totally change them into something we weren't even beginning to prepare for?! And just when we were starting to deal with our feelings about the original plans. Change is inevitable. Even us emotional females know that. We just deal with it on a much more emotional level than men do, usually, but we deal with it. When someone decides to throw a wrench in the plans, while we're dealing with it, then we feel completely out of control and we can't deal with, because we don't even know what's going on! Anyone else have someone like this in their world?

End Of Summer Activities

2011-08-04T04:18:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a wild and crazy, and FUN week it has been! Yesterday, we only did some grocery shopping and went to Jeni's for prayer meeting. Or at least Angela and I went shopping. Jeremiah and Chloe weren't interested. Then, later Chloe and I went to Jeni's for prayer meeting. Angela was with a friend she hadn't seen all summer, and Jeremiah wanted to stay at home. I forgot to go pick up their lenses at the eye doctor's yesterday, so we're going to have to do that today, then they get to go back to Camp Grizzly with their dad, for the last camp, a Cub Scout weekend camp. I may head out there for part of that myself. If I get done with my devotional book. I"m almost done, so I think that will work out just fine! I probably will miss the first official night (Friday), but will head out Saturday and be there for the weekend! Should be fun, and maybe I'll actually get in the water, since it has been rather warm here in Idaho. It finally started to be summer, not that there are no more Boy Scout camps! Boo!!!! Next, we'll shift our focus to getting ready for school to start, and with one getting ready for junior high. I'm so nervous for him, but I'm sure he'll do fine. I'm thankful for a great youth group at our church. I'm hoping that will help him adjust, having other Christian teens going through similar struggles. Hopefully, they're open about sharing that stuff, so they can support each other. See you all soon!

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping: It's A Girl's Life!

2011-08-02T23:17:00.001-07:00

Wow! The last couple of days have been a whirlwind of activity! Mostly with my darling girls! The Cub Scout weekend camp that is coming up this weekend is having a medieval theme, so Josh has decided to dress up as a king, since he is Camp Director, and therefore, in charge of the camp. (So, he is kinda king, if you think about it.) And, of course, as always, his girls are his princesses! And they are! I mean really, they don't need to dress the part. They KNOW they are!!!! That's one of many things I love about my man! But...he wants everyone else to know it, too. So we went shopping the last couple of days. For dresses and tiara's...and we just had to slip in a few other fun things :)

Yesterday, I got busy with some stuff I do for a little extra cash, online, so it was late in the evening before I was ready to shop. We went to the Dollar Tree first, to look for tiara's. They had really cheapy cardboard ones, which we didn't want, but I needed some other things like notebook paper and journals. Things like that, so we did buy a few things. We also bought some cheap, but very colorful and sparkly make-up for the girls for the weekend. They're so excited about getting to wear make-up that they've been playing around with it all day! We also got some pretty nail polish, which they also couldn't wait to experiment with! Girls! You gotta love 'em!

We then went to Claire's at the mall, because I knew they would have some fantastic tiara's. After all that I've been through, and even though I know I've got a long ways to go from here (who doesn't, really, if you think about it?) I thought it was only appropriate that I get one for myself, too. Angela and I got actual metal ones. I don't know if they're real silver or not, but who cares! They had what looked like probably cubic zirconia that sparkle! Wow! Do I ever love me some bling! Even if it is fake! (No excuses, Josh! I still prefer the real thing :)) Chloe got a plastic one with a pink poofy thing at the bottom. (Hey, did I ever claim to be sophisticated and know what these things are called? No judging!:)) She also insisted on a wand to go with. Okay, she didn't actually insist. I never would have put up with that, but she sure wanted one, and I was having so much fun, I wasn't about to argue! So we bought the wand as well! So much fun! I asked Angela if she thought it was bad that my tiara was more expensive and had more on it than there's. She said, no way! Mine should be bigger and fancier! After all, I'm mom, and therefore the queen, even though I'm God's princess, just like them! She said it shows my "authority" (such a big word for a little girl), so I went with it! Afterwards we went to the new frozen yogurt place, "Jamms," that just recently opened up in town. Angela and I've been dying to go. As soon as the sign went up indicating what they were building there, we were excited. Not as excited as we were when we were told, originally, that IHOP was looking to build there, but excited, none the less! It was delicious, and Chloe particularly like the spinning stools at the bar! (It's not a real bar. They don't sell alcohol there.) They were pretty cool! They had the little step thing like a hair stylist's chair and adjusted heights kind of like them, as well. So cool! Yes, we're easily amused. It was self-serve and you pay by the ounce, so that was fun! They had all sorts of toppings, candy ones, and fruit! Delicious!!!! Love it! Definitely going again sometime!

So, then, today we needed to get Angela a proper princess dress. Chloe already had one, but Angela needed one, so we took off again to shop this morning! First we went to our favorite thrift store, The Hope Center, and looked around just in case. No princess dresses, but we did find Angela a "new" bike, which we've been looking for forever! We also got the girls some barbies and we got some laundry baskets for their rooms! I also bought Chloe a pair of adorable shoes, she just had to have (you know how these things work, right?:)) and we found a small and very simple sewing machine for small projects! So, of course, we had to have that, too!!!! So, then, it was off to the mall again. This time, to Ross, where we found a very frilly, white dress for Angela. It was darling! We tried on the size 12, but it didn't seem like it was quite as long as it should be, so I found one in a size 14. It fit!!! (gasp) She's growing up so fast, I can hardly stand it!

Of course, after that, we had to have a "dining" experience to go with our shopping, so we did our traditional Orange Julius run. I didn't do it the day before, because I wanted to try the new fro-yo place instead! Of course, it was great, as usual! Then, we wandered up and down the mall, sipping our Orange Julius's. So much fun! (How many times have I said that now!?!) Then, we came home.

I do have to admit, Jeremiah seems to be a bit jealous, especially last night, when he discovered me and the girls spread out over my bed in our pj's settling in to sleep. He snagged my iPhone and said rather bitterly, I think is what I heard in his tone, "Since you guys are having yourselves a little party it seems, I think I should get this." I was fine with it, and I'd actually promised him earlier when he complained about the frozen yogurts (he complained about the Orange Julius's today, too) that he and I would have a mother-son date, just the two of us, soon. He was excited about that! How blessed am I, to have an almost 13-year-old son, who's excited about the possibility of some time alone with his mama?!! Now, I just have to figure out how I'm gonna make that happen, and what we're gonna do. I mean, after all, I'm obviously not going to buy him a tiara and a princess dress :)!!!!!! I'm thinking it will mostly have to be food, considering what he was most jealous of :) I was going to take him to Bumpers (the local arcade, if you can call it that) and spend some time in the batting cages, but we discovered today that they've gone out of business!!!!! So, unfair!!!! I was even going to attempt to hit a few balls myself, and let him laugh at me!!!! I'm sure he would have loved that! Now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. And, of course, unlike him, the girls can't stay home by themselves, so what am I gonna do with them while I hang with Jeremiah. After all, recruiting season is about to begin for Josh after school starts back up again, so I won't hardly see him at all for a few months! Trust me, this is how this works! There are certain times of the year, where it just is sun-up to sun-down with his job, and fall is one of those times!!!!

Scripture Memory And Spiritual Warfare: One Is Absolutely Essential To Be Effective In The Other!

2011-08-01T05:26:00.000-07:00

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! It is scripture memory day on Beth Moore's blog and I've been so distracted by the short, goofy people that I haven't even looked at the verses I've noted to be possibly what I should be memorizing right now, to see which one God would have me memorize and meditate on for this 15 days or so. God is using this in incredible ways in my life. He's been so good to bring the memory verse I've been working on from Romans 8 verses 38 and 39 at times when Satan has been messing with me in the very intense spiritual attack that I have been under for a while. Or was under. I feel that it has lifted from me, somewhat, at this point, with my family here and all, but in the quiet moments, even though I am happy that they are home, and hopeful at what God is doing in my life, I can still often feel a slight ache in my soul that lets me know there is still healing that needs to happen there. But He is faithful and He will continue to be faithful to me! So sure of my standing with Him right now that it's brought joy in my pain that I didn't even know was possible!!! Anyway, those verses have helped me combat the Enemy so many times, and just saying His Name! Outloud and in all caps on twitter and my blog and, I think that's about it, but wherever I happen to be and whatever I happen to be doing I am getting to experience for the first time really, just how much POWER there is, just in the name of JESUS! Whenever Satan attacks I try to do one of those two things and also just to cry out to God for His healing and His Truth in my life. I am getting to love Him more and more, so I'm thinking at this point in time, it is so worth it, to go through this, if it's what it takes to really have Him as my all in all! And to know that, to the depth of my soul, that He is everything and nothing and no one else will satisfy quite like He will! Not even my husband and children and yet He's let them into my life, as my responsibility, yes, but also, to enjoy! And I am!!!! They are no longer a burden to me! It is my pleasure to serve them in anyway I can at this point in time!!!

But the verses! Scripture memory is sooooo important! Even if you think (or know) that you can't really memorize the verses word for word, just picking some to put on note cards and carry with you and meditate on throughout your day or days is extremely helpful. You can just pull that card out of your pocket or wherever and say it, out loud, when the Enemy comes at you with lies that you know are lies, because they are not consistent with God's Word! We must know His Word! That's why He gave it to us, and I have to admit, I have a hard time maintaining a lot of memory verses. I usually can only recall the one that I'm working on currently without lots of hints and things about what the verse is dealing with or what word it starts with, or something like that. I do struggle with scripture memory, but I press on, and trust Him to use that working on those in my life, anyway! Even if next month I can't recall the verse I'm memoriaing now. It's in there, somewhere, because His Word does not return void. Another verse that's in my head somewhere, though I can't recall the reference, again. But the important thing is, I know God's truth, even if I don't know exactly where it is in the bible. I know it's there, cause He's taught it to me, and I can always look it up, when in doubt! That's what bible concordances are for!

When I can't seem to focus on the truth, because the battle is just that FIERCE at times, He's been faithful to let others see it and enter the battle with me, and say "Shellie, that's a lie from the pit of hell!" And they'll tell me, say His Name, out loud right now, or whatever it is I need to hear and whatever it takes to help me get back on track! So thankful for the Body of Christ, as well! But if not for Christ Himself, there would be no Body, so He is the head! He is my Refuge and my Healer!

My "Shack" Has Been Invaded

2011-07-31T22:31:00.000-07:00

I would say that it's been invaded by aliens, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate. It's been invaded by the short, goofy people that I gave birth, too, which really, aliens....short, goofy people I gave birth, too....kind of the same thing really:) And, of course, my husband...the love of my life! Well, really, JESUS is the absolute, complete and total love of my life, but Josh is pretty amazing. He came home a very different man than the one that I left at Camp Grizzly...or maybe he's not and I'm just a different woman than the one that left him. I sure hope so! Or best case scenario: it could be both. He may have grown out there with the kids, while I grew here by myself. I sure hope I grew in this last month. It was a total waste if I didn't! I don't think it was wasted though! Have I ever learned something about the INTENSITY of spiritual warfare when you are seriously being attacked by the Enemy over strongholds you've had for years!!!! I let Satan keep a stronghold in my life that I had before I came to know Christ, for all of these years, and I didn't really even fully realize it, or how much he wanted to hurt me with it, until this last week! I really didn't think I'd make it....and without the friends that God has provided in the Body of Christ, I'm positive I wouldn't have, because I would not have recognized it as a battle with the Enemy. It's hard to hang on when the shouting of the Enemy is so loud, you can't discern the Voice of God, for the life of you, without someone urging you back to the truth that you know we have in Him! I'm learning to cry out to JESUS on a whole new level than I ever knew before. I'm a little concerned with my kids here now, that I won't be able to cry like I need to over the pain and fears from my childhood. I am praying that when it is appropriate that God will help me to grieve in the way I need to. I know that He will use this in my kids lives, also, because He's just that Good :) Oh, man, is He ever, and my husband and I are enjoying sweet fellowship with each other, in the way that He designed that to happen. I know we will continue to have our struggles and our hardships, but I am choosing the Rock, for the rest of my life! From now on, when the winds blow and the earth quakes, I will remain steadfast and true to my God! Now, is that easier said than done? OH, Yeah! And, I'm sure, I will stumble from time to time, but I will get back up and keep going, keep fighting.

As far as the counseling situation goes, I have a few options, and I will be praying and seeking to see what the Lord would provide for me in that area. I've been receiving advice from some godly friends and mentors and considering my options and we will talk about that later. But for now, "rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!" Not going to look up that scripture reference right now, but trust me, it's in there :)

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 21

2011-07-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

Wow! Was that really only two days ago!? It feels like forever ago, probably because I've continued to be under intense spiritual warfare, mixed with, what I feel, are personal attacks on me, but I'm sure the people who've done this are well meaning people who just do not understand the sort of, formal, and yet not formal, odd relationship that I have developped with Living Proof Ministries over the years. It's been a hard couple of days. I ended up, in great pain, and feeling deeply misunderstood, and feeling like I'd been alone too long, and needing some support, I facebooked my friend, and counselor in training, Shari. I was very happy to see her, yet, I don't know, maybe she was having a hard day at work, but she didn't seem as warm and tender as usual. She was all business. Which for about a half hour before she came I was battling the fear of having to share some very painful things with her that were hard for me, because I care too much, what she thinks of me(which we talked about) and I was shaking and praying while folding clothes (cause since I was jittery I needed something to do.) If she'd been slightly later, I had so much adrenaline running through my body, I might have had the entire house cleaned within an hour!!!! Even the bathtubs scrubbed! It was kind of interesting! Fear can cause a few good things to happen I guess. But I was waiting and couldn't get into any bible reading or anything, because then I'd be upset when I got interrupted. I NEVER get upset when you interrupt housework!!! Please DO :) I was feeling a lot of pain from my childhood and was going to share some of that with her. I started quoting my current memory verse for SSMT (check Beth Moore's blog if you're curious as to what that is). I was very nervous and wanted to share this with her right away, but as I was taking a breath, trying to get up the nerve, she asked me a question, that was a little less painful for me, but related, so I jumped on it. She wanted to know what happened at Camp Grizzly, so we went into that which eventually did lead into the painful memory, that really now that I think about it, only cropped up, two days ago, so yes, the pain is very fresh. I remembered it before, but I don't think I fully understood it, and God showed me how it had effected me in how I respond to people now, so I knew I needed to deal with the healing process of that loss of relationship with my parents when I was a child, and being afraid of them, because they hurt me most of the time, and did not give me the emotional comfort and love and acceptance that I needed. However, she asked me if I had forgiven my parents, and I said, yes, I'm pretty sure I have. And then, she asked if I had grieved that loss. And I don't think I really had thought of it as grieving what I was doing, and I was nervous, because I had not anticipated this question, and I think I said yes initially because I really would rather she not talk to me about that. Cause again, painful, fear, all of that....but I hadn't grieved that. That's what I'm doing now. I felt like I needed to get over my fear of letting others see my pain in person, up close and personal, and I was trying to overcome that by inviting her in, but because I basically dodged the question, and even lied to her about it, sort of, unconsciously, but I did. Thank you, God. I need to repent of that. So, she moved on to me needing to go an apologize for my wrong to the person at Camp Grizzly, who I ran away from, basically, instead of dealing with, and that was a pride issue partially, because I also didn't want her to see my pain over this issue. I didn't want to cry in front of her, because she used some words that my parents often used against me, and she wasn't necessarily attacking me, personally, but I took it that way (yet another problem I need to deal with, but one at a time...patience, Shellie) and as you can imagine with the pain that I was already dealing with inside myself, that was overwhelming. I knew she was right, but because I really hadn't grieved that memory, I wasn't ready for it. She did not know this so she was rather harsh to my very injured soul, which had I have grieved I needed, but again, that was my fault. I felt sort of shut down at that point and was too scared to confront or even speak to the pain that I was feeling any more. I started to feel tears coming on, but that's when she would interject to tell me what I needed to hear, or she thought based on the misinformation, but all in all, yes, I attacked her in an email at first. I hope she can forgive me that wrong. But then, I sent a second email after visiting with a friend, not about the email, but about what I was struggling with and then I could think more clearly and was able to email her back and tell her in a much more proper way how I felt about the situation. Anyway, it's been another hard day. I've spent a lot of time in the Psalms crying out to the Lord, using words David wrote, which, while he didn't have exactly the same issues as I do, many of those feelings are the same, so while reading them, they began to become my own cries, crying out to Him. And I love doing that with scripture, cause I can guarantee that's within His will and it has truths with the emotions, so that it doesn't just become about the pain, but really learning God's truth at the same time. I think the Psalms are going to be a refuge for me at this time in my life, as I cry out to God using many of David's words, and a few of my own as I add to it, as I kind of put my own emotions and thoughts in there, but covered by God's truth, in a sort of bible study, prayer mix! I love that, because it becomes so personal, and He is a personal God, who loves me, exactly the way I am, and accepts me, and I can just say what I'm thinking and feeling right now, as He's my only companion and ever present help in trouble.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 20

2011-07-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

Well, today was nearly disastrous. I almost quit on all of you. Thanks to God connecting me with a wonderful friend via twitter (the friend I believe I've mentioned before) she was able to redirect my mind back to God. At least sort of, enough for me to be functional again at least and not just laying in my bed crying quite loudly and trying to pray but unable to get the words out through my sobbing. (Screaming?) I don't know it was pretty loud and obnoxious. Not sure I've ever made a sound quite like that before. It even scared me. This was pain coming from so deep inside myself that I'm not even 100% percent sure what it was at all. It started by discovering I'd been blocked by some people and then of course, being angry with myself for being so annoying, which then led to me thinking, I've never been a safe person to interact with and never will be. So, despair, hopelessness, all that really wonderful stuff that characterizes my life, mostly. It is a rare occasion that I truly have great faith in God, and that shouldn't be. Of course, personally, I think hearing things like, "real Christians don't experience depression," and "you just need to trust God" and "if you had repented of all of your sins you wouldn't be feeling this way," or similar unhelpful nonsense from nearly every one in my life who could have helped or at least tried to help me find help, probably has not increased my ability to cope. I'm just saying...

Are you sensing me feeling a bit sarcastic tonight? I feel like everyone is trying to treat the symptoms and not the source. Of course, I'm not even 100% certain of the source, myself. Very well-meaning people, who, I know are genuinely trying to help, but don't really understand the kinds of things I've been through or what it is to live with this issue. I don't believe it is completely medical. At least not in my case. I can't speak for anyone else. I believe that there are deeply rooted feelings of continual rejection left over from my childhood that cause me to desperately cling to people who have loved me on any level. I am trying to be more careful about how much I share online and who I share with, so they're not overwhelmed, but it's hard, cause I do want connection with certain people even if they don't respond back to me. I'm forcing myself to not @mention people on twitter, unless it's a matter that has to do with them directly. Or, if I'm responding to something they said, obviously. Anyway, people tell me things like I should finish one task each day, so I have a sense of accomplishment, or make a list of things I'm thankful for, or listening to music, which are all really great things, and they might help temporarily, but the problem comes when eventually the lights go out and I have to lay down and at least attempt to sleep and I still have to deal with my wounded child heart. I really do believe it's still desperately wounded, because I can see where certain things that are said to me, or done to me, are similar to the way that my parents treated me. That's when I react and become heartbroken, because I'm already heartbroken, still from the emotional neglect and abuse of my childhood. I'm beginning to wonder if I always will be. I'm seriously looking into the possibility of a Christian Mental Health facility. Getting me there would be challenging since all of them are several days drive away, at least the one's I've found so far. I really do often feel abandoned by God so often, in this very isolated from many Christian facilities, part of the country that I live in(grammar? Oh, boy! I hope you can make sense of that. I don't have time to edit.) We don't have Christian based facilities like that here, is my point. In fact, we don't have professional Christian Counselors, which is why I have suffered alone for so long in the first place!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 19

2011-07-26T23:21:00.001-07:00

Well, it's not quite as late as when I got on here last night. I was feeling some pain that I didn't understand today. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, and then I remembered praying that I would be more sensitive to others needs. I've prayed this several times in my life, but I'm wondering if maybe the healing I've been doing has allowed me to do that. If my heart is just sensitive enough to feel others pain. You see, a friend of mine...well, we're not real close, but I consider her a friend, lost a close family member, in a tragic accident yesterday. I know she is really hurting right now, and I wonder if I was feeling a little bit of that. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I've lost friends and family members, but never someone young that I was very close to. I don't have a really close family, so I can't say if I lost one of them that I'd be in as deep of pain as she is right now. But I can imagine how I might feel, and yet at the same time, I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, I was close to Dave, but he wasn't as young as this person, and he'd been sick for a long time, so it wasn't a total shock, like this is. I do hope that it is me sympathizing with her, because otherwise I have no idea where this pain was coming from. I hadn't been thinking about past abuse or anything like that.

I did have to apologize to God for spending most of my day playing around on facebook and twitter instead of spending time with Him. I didn't get into the word until after dinner!!!! That is very unlike me! That did make a difference and I definitely feel bad, but I confessed my sin and I fully believe that He has forgiven me, and I asked Him to help me do better tomorrow! I have complete confidence that I have regained my focus and tomorrow will be all about Him again! So, tomorrow's a new day!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 18

2011-07-26T00:57:00.001-07:00

Wow, it's late, but I thought I'd check in with ya'll. I'm still here. There have been a lot of ups and downs and that's pretty much the story of my life, and I'm beginning to think I always will be on the verge of a breakdown in some way, shape, or form. Don't know when I will no longer suffer from severe depression and feeling like I'm not really worth anything. Not feeling that way this second, but that's cause I'm too tired. Good night!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 17

2011-07-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a challenging day, with a lot of tears, but I'm learning that tears are okay. That it's okay to grieve. That it's even healthy. The reason that it hurts so much to lose people, shows that we let ourselves be vulnerable. That the relationship mattered. If it didn't hurt, then the relationship meant nothing and that's not good. I risked loving, and that's why the loss hurts so deeply. And God heals, and He is enough. I don't have to have that other person in my life to be able to continue living for God. God is my everything and He will bring the people into my life that I need to keep me balanced. I know that He has a plan for my life, and I'm glad I've had people in my life, like Dave, who have been Jesus to me. Have been that Christ-like influence and have shown me who Jesus is, little by little. I'm still learning and growing and always will be.

We are called to be in relationship with people, as well as God, and sometimes that hard to balance, and figure out where the boundaries are. We need each other, and at the same time, we can't rely on each other. We have to rely completely on God. That can be confusing sometimes. Be honest. Do you ever get confused about whether or not someone has become an idol in your life? I do. Sometimes I wonder if Beth Moore is an idol in my life, and maybe at times she has been. I have to constantly keep myself in check, and back off if I feel I'm getting to involved with someone else other than God. There have been times that my husband has been my idol. Oh, boy! That can get ugly! I've realized it when I've been mad, and asked myself why I was mad, and ultimately, it was because he didn't fix me. He didn't make me feel all happy again. He didn't cure my depression! He can't do that! He's a man! He's a really wonderful man, that loves me.....but he's just a man! He's weak (yes, I just said that my husband is weak, because compared to God, he is!) and he doesn't know everything. Only God can be my everything! My husband can't, my pastor can't, my counselor can't, my very best friend's can't, my favorite teacher, Beth Moore, can't. Only God! And yet, we need those other people? Does that ever confuse anybody else, or is it just me? I need bible teachers. I need my counselor. I need my friends. I need my husband, and I need my pastors. That is really hard to balance and make sure that it is truly God that is my all in all, and not those other people.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 16

2011-07-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

Well, last night, after posting about my "daddy" I went to bed and bawled over how much I miss him! My life was pretty crazy at the time that I lost him to cancer, I believe it was Thanksgiving Day 2006, so I really didn't get any time alone to really mourn his passing. I was extremely heartbroken over the whole thing and even more so, because I hadn't seen him in years. You see, after we were married, my husband and I were a little overwhelmed by married life, I think, and I in particular had gotten worse in my depression (not because my husband didn't treat me right, I assure you!) and we didn't really stay in contact with the people we knew in Coeur d'Alene. We decided it was time to move on, so we didn't really contact them for a very long time. This was before the days of facebook and twitter and blogs and even before we had our own PC at home to email people. In fact, I don't know about Josh, but it was the first time I had really embraced the whole internet thing and started using my email account at school. (Wow, things have changed in a relatively short amount of time!) In fact, I'm not sure that embrace is really the right word. I more like surrendered, because sooo many people were telling me, "email me," or "did you get my email?" so I surrendered and started checking it to see these much needed emails people were sending me on this email account they gave me when I registered at UofI, that I had no intention of using. (I know this is amusing to many of you who know how much I love technology now!)

Anyway, I'm way off track, darn ADD brain. We didn't talk to our friends in Coeur d'Alene for many years. Than we were there to enjoy some fireworks at one point, because my dad had moved there and we thought Coeur d'Alene might be fun for the Fourth of July! (Don't do it if you have young children. The fights and profanity in the parking lot are so not worth it!) It was fun, other than the parking lot scene....which was very entertaining at first, as well....until the kids got old enough to repeat the wonderful words that they heard! But at this time we bumped into a few people that we knew from when we were dating and engaged to be married. (That is usually why you get engaged! Did you ever wonder why people have to add "to be married" to that statement?) We found out that people had been asking about us, and me in particular, wondering how we were doing, so we reconnected with some of them, particularly our former pastor and his wife, another man that Josh knew from even before Coeur d'Alene, and Dave (or as you know him, "daddy.") I didn't actually get to see him that day, but I did talk to him on the phone. Actually, the last time I saw him in person, was on my wedding day. (How sad is that?) If I remember correctly he basically threatened my new husband within an inch of his life if he didn't treat me properly. Yes, I think he most definitely treated me like a daughter, or at least how I would imagine, a real dad, who really does love his daughter as he should, would treat his daughter. I wouldn't really know much about that. I'm glad I got to experience if for at least a short period of time through Dave. After that, we again, got very busy with our life in Moscow, and didn't contact anyone for a long time. When we did, we found out that Dave and his family had moved to Texas and that Dave was very sick with cancer, and that he was getting very weak and did not believe that he would make it. I remember starting to open my mouth to ask for contact information for him, and couldn't for the lump in my throat! I could not, at that time, let myself cry in front of anyone! I don't think even I realized fully, up to that point, how important that relationship was to me. I could not believe that he would die. I told myself that God was going to heal him and that he would come back to Idaho and then, we would talk. That's not what happened. He did die, and because of my fear, I didn't even know it until about a month after his passing. All I could think was that I never told him how much I loved him. I was still mostly afraid to cry in front of anyone, but after having spent a year in Celebrate Recovery, I thought maybe I could face his illness and asked someone in an email about him....but it was too late. He was gone and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. No amount of tears, no amount of screaming at God would bring him back. He was gone, and I lost my chance. I remember actually thinking at the time, that it was probably a good thing he didn't know how I was. He would be so disappointed. But after thinking about what I told you all about him last night, I know he wouldn't be disappointed. Well, he might be a little, but mostly he would just love me, and want to do anything he could to help, just like he always did. I never gave myself permission to grieve his passing. I didn't dare let anyone see that I was hurting, so I feel like for the first time, as crazy as that might be almost 5 years after his passing, I am finally grieving this gigantic loss in my life. I miss him terribly!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 15

2011-07-19T23:20:00.000-07:00

Well, today, I finished reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. It got me to thinking about what it was that finally attracted me to Christ. I knew many people who professed to be Christians growing up, so why did it take me 20 years to receive Christ?

Good question. I'm so glad you asked :) I think I've figured it out. For many, many years I've only felt judged by other Christians. They told me that my promiscuous lifestyle was wrong, that my drinking was bad, my smoking was bad, and the drugs I used, downright evil. Now, I agree, all of those are true, but I do not believe that focusing on the unbeliever's sin is helpful. Of course, they sin. They can't help it. They do not have the power to stop sinning, and someone who just always tells you how bad you are, is not attractive. It doesn't make people want to know you. Now, obviously, I understand that a person has to realize they're a sinner to receive Christ, but deep down, I think they already know that. I remember the feeling that I was rebelling the first time I smoked a cigarette. It was invigorating, because I knew my parents would hate it. I remember having a sense that I'd done something I shouldn't have when I slept with my boyfriend for the first time. Now, how would I know that? I'm having a really hard time finding the verse in my bible right now, but I believe there is a verse in there that says that all people have God's law written on their hearts. We all have a sense of right and wrong. It's why we have laws against killing people! We know, somewhere, deep in our hearts, that it's wrong, to harm another human being. Now, when I did those things, I wouldn't have told you that I knew it was wrong. I wanted to believe that it was right, that I was right, but at a deeper level, I knew it was wrong. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now, but I know what I'm talking about :)

My point is, I'm not sure, that as Christians, it is our job to confront an unbeliever's sin. I think that's God's job and God's job alone. It just comes across as being judgmental when we do it. I think our job is to love the person, as Jesus loves them, just as they are. I realized that when I came to Christ, I had an older gentleman that sort of felt like a father figure to me, in my life. He was a Christian, of course, and he knew about the sin that I was involved in. He knew about the drugs and the sex, all of it. Or at least most of it. Enough, that if he was like most Christians I had met before going to college, he wouldn't have even given me the time of day. As it is, he didn't even mention the drugs or any of that too me, directly. I only knew that he knew, because I knew that a friend of mine, who was concerned about me, was talking to him about her concerns, and asking him to pray for me. Never once did he bring it up in my presence. In fact, when he first started conversing with me, I didn't my friend had been telling him about me, and I remember thinking, while talking to this incredibly godly man, in full-time ministry, "Do you know who I am? Because if you knew who I was you wouldn't be talking to me? At least not while actually looking me in the eye and clearly being very interested in me." It was shocking to me to find out that he knew exactly who I was, and he still loved me. He still cared about me. He wanted to know how my classes were going that semester, what my interests were. He really listened to me. He cared about me. I honestly don't remember exactly what we talked about in our conversations. It didn't matter. I was just fascinated by the fact that he cared! About someone as insignificant as me! As deeply steeped in sin as I was! Who was this man and who was his God? I wanted to know! For the first time in my life, I really wanted to know who this Jesus really was, cause clearly, this man's Jesus, was very different from the Jesus I thought I knew about! The Jesus I knew growing up, was this mean guy in the sky, waiting for me to screw up, so He could pound on me! This man showed me a different Jesus. This man showed me a Jesus that loved me exactly the way I was and cared about me. He didn't enjoy punishing me. He only wanted to help me, because He loved me. I'd never seen that Jesus before. I wanted that Jesus. I realize now that everything I was doing at that time was me desperately seeking to be loved! I just wanted to be loved! It's what everyone wants! They want to be loved for who they are, not who others want them to be, but truly who they are. In all the drugs, and alcohol, and sex, I was doing what the song says, "looking for love in all the wrong places." This man knew the one who loved me the way I wanted to be loved.

Now, as many of you know, while I did receive Christ as my Lord and Savior during that time, securing my salvation, it has taken me a long time to really begin to grasp that He really does love me like that. He really does care about me. Everything about my life. Not just whether or not, I go to heaven or hell. He cares about my life right now. He cares about my marriage, He cares about my friendships, He cares about my life, here and now. I'm sure I'll spend a lifetime grappling with this. How this completely sinless God could ever love me, of all people, like that. But He does! Wow! What an amazing God! If you've been in places where Christians have been judgmental and you don't know Jesus, let me assure you, that isn't Him. I've been guilty of this, myself. He doesn't care who you are, or where you've been. He loves you anyway, exactly the way you are! That is amazing!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 14

2011-07-19T05:23:00.000-07:00

I was just listening to a lesson online by Beth Moore on her "Inheritance" series and she talks about the prodigal son. She talks about how when someone is truly repentant it's marked by humility. You know, I'm not sure if I've been truly repentant about some things in my life. Sure I've walked away from those sins, but like she suggests, sometimes I fantasize about them in my mind. Particularly where drinking is concerned. I enjoy some of those memories of drinking. Of course, I don't enjoy some of the things that happened while I was drunk. I don't enjoy the memories of the men I gave myself to while I was drunk. Some of them, I never even knew their names! That seriously makes me nauseous! I'm not kidding! There is nothing more awful to me than the thought that I gave a piece of my soul to a stranger! If you don't think that doesn't happen when you sleep with someone, think again! We hear so much these days about how it was "just sex." No such thing! Take it from me, okay! Don't go out there and find out for yourself! There. is. NO! such. thing. as. just. sex! Why do you think that rape is such a horrible thing! They stole a piece of the person's soul that they raped! The STOLE it! They had absolutely no right! You can get that back if seek God for it. I know this for a fact, too. I've received back a lot of lost dignity, from God (Praise You, Jesus!) but it was painful, I promise you that!

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on that. I know I was repentant of the particular sin that I was involved in when I left Camp Grizzly. That's why I had to leave. I was so SICK over it, I couldn't even stand myself, let alone anyone else! I'm so sick of this issue ruling me, I can hardly stand it! If it raises its ugly head again, I don't know what I'll do, but man, it won't be good! I'm sure it won't. I'm absolutely determined, more than ever, not to let it!!!

But, the drinking thing. Man, I don't know if I'll ever get to where that doesn't appeal to me on so many levels. It's just when I'm so miserable, it just seems like being drunk was so much better. I know it wasn't, that's why I don't do it, but I still dream about it. Oh, man, I hate admitting that to you. Anyone else fantasizing about sin they know they should hate? Or am I completely alone in this?

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 13

2011-07-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

Well, sorry, I've been away for a while. Focusing on other things. I did decide to go to a friend's house one day last week for a prayer meeting. It was a little awkward at first and I had a hard time explaining why I'm not at Camp Grizzly to people who don't read my blog. I used my toe as an excuse, since I really can't go back to camp until my toe is healed, which seems to be taking a really long time. I don't know. Maybe I just don't know enough about these things to know how quickly it should heal. I don't know how long to expect for my heart to heal either and I'm pretty impatient with myself. I feel like I have determined so many times to change, to react better, to not assume the world is out to get me, and I fail every time! I'm getting rather irritated with myself, but one of the things I've noticed, with an online friends help, is how much Satan has cultivated messages of death into my life. Sometimes I just use the terms jokingly like, when I say things like, "'Give me makeup or give me death" to a friend online who isn't allowed to wear makeup, but needless to say, I say it all the time. I say things like, "I would just die" if such and such a thing happened to me. Do you see it? Death. It's everywhere in my speech. She challenged me to, even for just one week, to at least avoid saying it on twitter, and when I'm tempted to, or catch myself, about to use those types of terms, to tweet my memory verse, or just simply "Jesus loves me" or something to that effect instead. Honestly, I haven't really been tempted toward that at all so far, but one time I did get on there and realized I didn't have anything really to say, so I simply thought, hmm, what is my favorite thing right now, cause a friend had tweeted about something she enjoyed in life, so I just simply said. "God is my favorite." It felt good. He is my favorite. I haven't always been able to honestly say that, but right now, He's my very best friend, really, my only consistent friend, since I've sort of shut almost everyone out, mostly, for now. They can communicate online, but that's because that is mostly controlled by me, not the other person. I can turn off my computer at any time and they don't even have to know I did! So I don't feel rude and I keep the necessary, albeit, temporary, boundaries, secure.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 12

2011-07-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

Well, it rained here after a fairly hot day. I love rain, however, I am really hoping that the rumbling I'm hearing outside is not rumbling at Camp Grizzly as well, or that, if it is, my man is at the cabin with the girls, because I know how terrified they are of thunder! Of course, I just smiled to myself as I pictured in my head what the scene would look like if he's not there. I can see each girl on either side of Jeremiah squealing in fear and hanging on to him for dear life! And, of course, him just standing there straight as a pin, eyes as wide as saucers, with the look on his face, like "Oh, brother!" Yes, oh, brother is right! You are their brother and they love you dearly and need your protection as much as they do their daddy's. Well, maybe not quite as much, which is a good thing, because I can tell you that at almost 13 years of age, protecting his sisters isn't exactly at the top of his priority list, much to my dismay! But, I do know that when it comes right down to it, he will defend them. I know this, because I've seen him do it. Unfortunately, I've also seen him not defend them, because it was one of his friends teasing his sisters and then, it doesn't matter, apparently. Only if it's someone he doesn't like either. Personally, I think they shouldn't be friends with anyone who's mean to one of their siblings, but that's just me. I'm sure that either Josh or Jeremiah is making them feel safe right now.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 11

2011-07-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

I've been home for a while, and while I have not communicated with people outside my home much, I have been emailing, tweeting, facebooking, and, of course, blogging. I've gotten all sorts of questions I generally don't know how to answer. I've had people tell me that what I'm doing is unhealthy and unbiblical. I'm not sure there's anything unbiblical or unhealthy about it, unless I made it permanent. Obviously we're supposed to interact with people, but we're also supposed to get alone with God, and I think some of us need much more intensive and lengthy time with Him. Because of where we have been without Him! I lived without Christ for 20 years, and you don't even want to know the kind of sin I was involved in during that time! Trust me, you do not want to know the details! You would not like me...and I probably wouldn't like you, because I would be extremely uncomfortable with you knowing that much detail. Maybe not, but probably. It depends on who you are and what your profession is and that sort of thing. Some would even say that counseling is not biblical. I heard someone, not too long ago, go so far as to say, on a social networking site, that counseling has destroyed the church! Yes, there are people who believe this. I know of a couple of churches that thinks Psychology has nothing to offer the church! I understand where there thinking is. I agree that secular counseling falls short, but they're throwing out the baby with the bathwater. We do need to feel these things and to work through them. If we don't we'll never really be healed! And besides, I'd like those people who think we don't need to talk through these things, sometimes for a long time, to read the Psalms! I think David would disagree! And, of course, since it did end up in the bible, obviously, God disagrees, too! EVERYthing outside of the bible is not a lie! I'll give you an example: I have been sexually abused. Does God's Words say Shellie's been abused. NO! But it's still true. Electricity is a reality, and all of those studies and schematics are a reality, even though they're not in the bible. There is a lot of truth in our world, not addressed in the bible. God let us figure a few things out on our own. He did not tell us the earth was round! We had to figure that out on our own. The reality of my abuse is not the complete truth, but it is the truth. I have to apply scripture to it, but my point is, Psychology does have something to offer us. There are studies that teach us a lot about the human condition that God did not explicitly tell us in scripture.

My point is, just because we don't see it happening in scripture, doesn't make it unbiblical, entirely. We have to be discerning. I mean, if I was deciding to never leave my house again, that would be unhealthy...and unbiblical, but I'm not doing that. I have to admit, though, it's starting to get a little awkward being invited out. I'm not done healing, and I don't know how I'll handle being around the people that I'm normally around, and I don't know how they're going to respond to me. I'm scared. I'm scared for myself. I'm scared for everybody else. I'm scared that I'll never be healthy. That I can't be healthy, and I'll never have healthy relationships. I'll always be a freak.

Codependency

2011-07-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

I'm so very tired today. I wanted to share with you about a relationship I had when my kids were little. I was extremely depressed and Josh didn't dare trust me by myself. He asked people to come stay with me, and I had one friend that was just wonderful. Really, it started out wonderful. She seemed to care so much, and I'm pretty sure she did. When, I was on bedrest with my second pregnancy, she would come over to do housework and play with Jeremiah. That was great. I needed someone to do that, but then long after Angela was born and we were all doing just fine, (with the occasional depressive episode) she continued calling me and coming over every single day. It got to a point where I had no time to spend with God, by myself! She was over there ALL THE TIME! And I didn't have even the tiniest chance to make friends with other people. In fact, I felt like I had to get rather sneaky to go anywhere with my former friends. I was completely cut off from everyone else. She also started talking bad about my husband, trying even to turn me against him. She complained about the way he disciplined our kids and everything. She was sure that it was inapropriate and was bordering on abuse. I can assure you, he NEVER abused our children! He hates people who do that sort of thing! He understands the anger and the temptation, but he cannot understand how anyone could follow through with that! Neither do I! And yes, it caused fights between Josh and I. I even tried not answering the phone and locking the door. No way, she'd call and call and call and knock and knock and knock! Oh, it was the craziest thing I'd ever experienced in my life! I had no idea there were people like this and I had no idea there was a name for it. I am not given to codependency at all. She tried to make me like that, but it didn't work. She drove me up a wall!!! If anything, I tend to isolate. I tend to be a little too independent, so you can imagine how much she just drove me CRAZY!!! When they announced they were going to have to move to Montana, we helped them move. I did agree to write and call from time to time. That also didn't start out too bad. Then, she started calling every day again, and even, again, started turning me against my husband. She even suggested that it was God's will for me to leave my husband. She said, that God tells us to leave anyone who is not godly. Okay, for one thing, I don't know what bible she's reading, because my bible says we should even stay married to an unbeliever if he's willing! The only out He gives us at all is in the case of marital unfaithfulness, and praise the Lord, that's never happened in our marriage! Not once! And for another, if that's the case, any one of us can be deemed ungodly at any moment of our lives. We all screw up, that's why they say we still have a sin nature. That's why we know we still have a sin nature. We eventually decided to switch our cell phone companies, cause the customer service at the one we were currently using sucked! And when we did, we changed our numbers, and somehow "forgot" to give her our new numbers. I haven't talked to her in years and sometimes people ask me about her, and I joyfully tell them, I have no idea how she's doing. What I don't tell them is I honestly don't care! Am I horrible?!!!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 10

2011-07-10T23:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's late, and I need to get some sleep, but I wanted to check in with you. I know I had a pretty positive attitude yesterday, but I have to admit today, I took quite a beating. I almost quit, but I didn't. I couldn't. I have quit too many times and it ain't pretty. I don't think Satan won, but if you could see me with your spiritual eyes, I'm pretty sure I'm black and blue and bleeding :( But, tomorrow, I get a rematch, and I hope he starts to look a little like I do today.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 9

2011-07-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I've really whipped through a lot of pages of Beth Moore's devotional journal today. I'm telling you that woman reaches down inside of me and grabs my heart with the questions she asks. She really has a way of getting to the heart of the issue and helping me to see where I don't really believe God. I say I do, but do I really? Do you, really? Are we so good at giving Sunday School answers that we never realize that our hearts haven't caught up? That we don't really believe what we're saying? Right now, I am telling God what I know, but I don't believe and begging Him to help me to believe! Only He can do that. I can learn the information until the day I die, but until it makes it's way into my heart, it won't make a difference in my life. I NEED a difference in my life. I NEED to change, and I can't change myself, I've tried. He has to change me, and I'm choosing to believe that He will.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 8

2011-07-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

My heart is pretty raw this morning. I've been afraid of other's misunderstanding of me. People who will not understand why I have to be alone right now. Why I can only trust my heart to Jesus, alone, right now. I can trust a little bit of it to you, because you are not so close to me that you can hurt me. I can turn this computer off and what you think no longer matters, cause most of you I don't have to live with. I don't have to go to church with you. I don't have to see you at the grocery store. And really, you're very unlikely to talk to me about something you read on my blog, even if you are a part of my "normal" life. And really, most of the time, it isn't that I don't trust people to know my story. It's that I don't trust them to react in a compassionate way at the moment they hear it. I'm afraid of your flesh and blood in my presence, and what you would do if I said something you'd never heard. What would you do or say, if I started sobbing right in front of you, like I often do in prayer and behind this computer screen and during my devotional time? Will you think I'm ridiculous and I need to just buck up and get over it? Cause, I've been told that by well-meaning Christians. They don't get it. I'm afraid of being misunderstood and getting the wrong counsel, that will only further hurt me, which is what I've experienced from many.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 7

2011-07-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

I made a "friend" online who has been helping me to work through this stuff. Giving me advice when I get stuck, expressing concern over things she sees me doing that she fears may be unhealthy. Just, very generally, supporting me in this time. I told her, unintentionally (guess it must have been on my heart, cause it sure came out in an email) about a particular situation when I was in high school. Not sure I should share it on here, because it is quite obviously very unhealed and I might share too much, but it involves sexual abuse, and my mother's reaction to me telling her that I had been sexually abused. The young man who tried to rape me was a family friend that I had dated for some time (actually, I may have mentioned this in a post before) and after we broke up, the next summer my mom invited him to come live with us, further proving that she really did not believe that he had hurt me in such an awful way. As you can imagine, this was not an easy time of my life in the summer before college having him living in the same house. My mom still does not believe me, and while I have forgiven the young man for abusing me, I have had a much more difficult time forgiving my mother. I have been told that forgiveness is not a process, but something we just do in obedience, but I can't help but notice in the backgrounds that these people share, they have not usually experienced abuse, so I just don't think they get it that it's a little more complicated. It takes a little more time working through the anger and the pain to forgive an abuser, which in a sense my mom was just as much an abuser as he was, since she put me in this position to continue to be controlled by him on a daily basis, in my very home, where I should have been safe, but I wasn't. Of course, many of you know that my mom abused me in many other ways, as well, and neglected me, emotionally, if that makes any sense. I will have to save that for another post. This, for me, though, has been the greatest insult. I tried to tell her I needed help and she completely rejected me and shamed me. (As if I didn't have enough of that in my life already.) She denied me any hope of getting the help that I desperately needed and put me in a position to continue to be hurt, over and over again.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 6

2011-07-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

How do you like the new title for my blog? Felt it explained a little better what you might expect to find here. Not much that's important! LOL! I've been doing well. Have had some periods of mourning, over what could have been, you know, had I done this sooner, how much easier my family's life could have been. And also, since I had to leave for a while the things I've missed out on. I saw pictures on facebook of my brandnew baby niece when she was only a few miles away and knowing that my kids were there to see the baby. Oh, how my heart ached! I cried and cried in my house all by myself. I cried over my daughter's post on how much she misses her mommy. She ripped my "mommy" heart right out of my chest. I so wish she didn't have to do through this. I never wanted this for her or anyone else in my family. It sounds like they're all doing well, though, for the most part. Jeremiah's earned one merit badge and is working on two more this week. I sure hope I heal and am able to function better in life after this time. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I've been working my way slowly out of the house. I went to the store, cause I needed more water-proof bandages. I learned the hard way that I most definitely did not want to go in the shower band-aid free! Pelting water on the toe, no matter how softly pelting, really hurts! Don't worry it gets soaked in water morning and night, so it does get clean. It's looking sort of odd. I sure hope it's healing properly. It's sort of gross looking. Eeeeewwww! It still really hurts sometimes, like last night. I've been experiencing a lot of other physical pain, some of it, believe it or not, associated with depression! I never knew you could be in such emotional turmoil that it actually physically hurts! After all that crying and feeling like I would never get well the other day, I started to have this horrible pain in my chest, like something was sitting on it. At first I thought I might be having a heart attack! It scared me half to death, and it occurred to me that it could be from the pain in my emotional heart that was causing it. Now, I am almost positive it was, and occasionally it returns. I've also had backpain, which I think is due to the awkward and uncomfortable positions I often have to sleep and sit in, in order to keep my foot elevated. It was very painful yesterday and this morning. I had to do many different stretches to finally get it to where I could still stand myself. Oh, it hurt.

Anyway, the anxiety attack. I was actually, quite impressed with myself as I first went out yesterday, because I saw a friend who knows about all of this, and I greeted her joyfully. I was genuinely glad to see her. She insisted on a hug and I gladly obliged! After that I went into the store and really was smiling (cause I was so happy to see my very understanding friend) and not scared at all. I got some make-up and the band-aids and headed home. No big deal! Then, I saw a sheriff's car in my neighbor's driveway and I'm telling you I had heart palpatations. Talk about paranoid! It's not like I've broken the law or anything, but somehow in my mind, even though I know this, I was thinking," Yeah, they're at my neighbors, but they're looking for me. I just know it. The neighbors think I'm crazy and they sent him to question me and take me in!" I even walked dreadfully (palms sweaty, heart racing, barely able to breathe, even heavier chest than before, and my back started to hurt again) up to my house and slowly opened my door, expecting someone to be there waiting for me. No one was there. I've seen that sheriff's car in that driveway before. I'm pretty sure they're friends and he has lunch over there, sometimes. I'm just ridiculously paranoid and sure everyone thinks I'm a freak:( I was very disappointed in myself. I really need to get over this! I know God can heal this, but it's taken so LONG! I've been praying over this for over 6 years now! I NEED to be better. I need to have a testimony and feel like I can talk about God without shame, knowing that I don't really live up to it:( I'm seriously sometimes ashamed to admit I'm a Christian, because I bring such shame to the faith. I'm an awful person. Why would anyone want to come to Christ who sees me in such turmoil all the time! I'm still hanging in there, though, and trying to push through this. I know I can't avoid the pain. I have to push through it or it'll just keep coming back. I'm just worried it will anyway:(

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 5

2011-07-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't really know what to say, really, except I had to go to the doctor again for my toe and they had to remove some flesh and part of my toenail. I had what they called "proud flesh" which really preaches, doesn't it?! I was thinking, "Well, duh, I have proud flesh, doesn't everybody?! I can promise you they didn't remove all of my proud flesh just the part that had grown over my nail! Apparently, how this happens is when you have an ingrown toenail for a long time, which I have, as the nail is growing into the skin (which is what an ingrown toenail is) the skin kind of says, "Oh, no, you don't!" and pushes back against the nail and actually grows more skin over the top of the toenail. This is how she explained it to me. And, so she said that the skin and the nail are basically fighting for the same territory and nobody's winning! That's why they call it "proud flesh." It wants to stand up and be noticed! And it doesn't want to give up it's territory! So this part of my flesh apparently couldn't be healed by God and had to be removed instead, along with the part of the toenail it had grown over! So, literally the fleshes "pride" cost another as well! I'm telling u this preaches so much! I am definitely going to have to use this someday when teaching from the bible about pride! Wow! We hurt ourselves with pride and others. It can cause both to be taken out!!!! Just like my nail and my flesh! It didn't like being cut out either, let me tell you!! I was in extreme pain late yesterday afternoon and evening and really most of the nite, after the Lidocaine wore off! It was a burning, searing, throbbing, pain! It was awful. It stings a little even now! I need to remove the bandage here right away, to soak it! Considering my doctor told me that it probably wouldn't really hurt until it was exposed to the air, I'm really not looking forward to taking it off!!! And I'm not looking forward to seeing what it looked like. They had a hard time getting it to quit bleeding. I guess normally they don't bleed much, but this one really did! Maybe that's why it hurt so much. I don't know. I took some ibuprofen a little while ago. I'm going to take some more and get ready to soak this toe! Ugh!

Anyway, I think God has been doing a mighty work in my life, although being around people yesterday did make me nervous. I am afraid of criticism. I'm just so tense around people. I'm realizing that about myself more and more! I need some deep healing to trust people again and not assume that they're out to get me. I heard some college boys laughing in the store and assumed that they were laughing at me. They might have been, but not necessarily. I just need to start accepting myself as being okay, so I can believe that people might like me.

A Short (Very Short) Break To Share My Sweet Chloe

2011-07-04T05:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm taking a mini-break from the intensity of my healing journey, which I think is actually getting somewhere by the way! I am absolutely falling in LOVE with my Jesus all over again! But for no other reason, other than I just adore her, I thought I'd share my baby girl with you this morning! She loves trains. I mean, what child doesn't? They're just cool, and she very much enjoyed this train in Potlatch, Idaho. Look, at that gorgeous child!...I gave birth to that child!...Wow! My mind is blown! I mean, me and my husband, as impure of lives as we've lived produced this...amazing...beautiful....pure child of God!!! And, yes, she does know Jesus! All of my children do, praise You, Lord! She just enjoys the simplest things so much! I love seeing the world through her eyes! It is just beautiful and AMAZING! I mean like everything! Math problems are the coolest thing in the world to her! Whatever she happens to be doing is the greatest thing she could be doing in that moment! Oh, to live life like that! I love it!

Look at that! She's just thrilled to pieces to be climbing up on that wagon wheel! Such joy! I know I need this time, but I miss her and her brother and sister so much! I just hope they know how much I still love them!

Little charmer! Oh, man, when she gets to be a teenager....whoa! We're not going to be able to keep those boys away! Scares me half to death! But I know she loves her Jesus, and He's watching out for her, even when I can't.
She's gorgeous and she knows it!!! And I ain't gonna tell her any different! Cause I happen to agree with her!
Well, that was fun! And I think that at this point, a little fun can't hurt! Just as long as it doesn't distract me from my goal! I'm going to keep at it! If I left the house, I'm afraid that would be too much distraction, although, I'm going to have to tomorrow, to see the doctor, so she can remove my ingrown toenail. I named it Wilson, but I don't think I'll be calling his name as he goes away! This relationship isn't working for me. I forgive him, but this relationship just can't be reconciled. He's got to go!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 4

2011-07-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

If you've been wondering if it's occurred to me that there might be some risk involved in this commitment of mine, it has. I've realized several things.

1. I could get so comfortable here that I become an agoraphobic.

Yes, it could happen, but I seriously doubt it. I'm such an extreme extrovert that to me the fact that I haven't driven myself crazy yet is proof of God's approval of this plan! I usually get pretty lonely by the second day of no direct human contact. I'm not lonely! I'm loving every minute I have with my Jesus. In fact, a really cool thing happened the other day. I was getting ready to soak my toe and thinking about how God had not told me anything real clearly just yet, and I had this thought-prayer, "God, I think maybe you're holding off, because you're just really enjoying having me all to Yourself." After I thought that it occurred to me that this was the first time EVER in my entire life, that I had seriously thought that God might actually enjoy me! ME! Shellie Paparazzo, former drug addict, alcoholic, barely knows what a boundary is let alone does she ever keep one, fit-throwing, all too often fakey, oversensitive, used to sleep around a lot (half the guys I've slept with I didn't even know their names) ME! God might actually enjoy that person! Really?! Yes, really! Crazy as it may sound I believe it! I'm truly beginning to believe it to the core of my being! I KNOW that I know that He loves me and has completely forgiven me, at least most of the time, I think. It's funny how some of the smaller, more recent things are harder for me to let go of then the really "big" sins of my past. I guess mostly because right now they're so close to my heart and mind. I also have realized that I am struggling with guilt over things that are probably not even things I should be feeling guilty about. I guess that's what they call false guilt. I feel guilty whenever I spend my husband's hard earned money. Even when it's for things I need, just because it's for me! I've even felt guilty for buying groceries, as if I don't even deserve to eat! I've felt guilty for getting an ingrown toenail and needing to go to the doctor. I've felt guilty for buying summer clothes and for buying things for the kids to do this summer. I even felt guilty for buying the devotional book that is helping me so much right now! I feel guilty for not working outside the home. I feel guilty for sending my kids to public school, even though I know that for us it was the best choice. It was the best choice because I can't handle having the kids home all the time! How awful is that!!! I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. I feel guilty for needing counseling. I feel guilty for having to take antidepressants and allergy medicine. You get the idea. I feel guilty for anything and everything that might take away from what someone else might have been able to have.

2. My neighbors could decide I'm so crazy that they never allow their children anywhere near me or my home again! Can you imagine how awful that would be for my poor kids?!

3. I could get sick or hurt and not be able to call for help and no one would have a clue for days! Pretty slim chance, but it could happen. Please don't bug me constantly just because it might happen!

All in all, I think the possible benefits are worth the risk! I'm having a great time with Jesus!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 3 (this could end up with dozens of parts)

2011-07-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

I just realized that in all my rambling about my "Shack" that I never really explained to you, why, even when isolating is a personal issue of mine, I've decided isolation is exactly what I need for now! So, I will do that now. (Again, my posts are all usually first drafts. I just type and publish. No editting. So don't take everything too seriously. It may just have come out wrong. Ask me in a comment if you're not sure of something. I'll answer in my next post.)

Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 2

2011-06-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

I wish this really was a shack, preferably in the mountains or near the ocean, but definitely way farther away from people. All the noise outside my house is driving me crazy! I'm a naturally curious person, so even in the middle of a very intense prayer time with God if I hear something I peak through the curtains to see what is going on! I even saw a friend out there once. He works for our next door neighbor, so he's here a lot. It was all I could do not to open the window and shout "Hi, Dan!" but I didn't. God and I've gotten through a lot of pages today. It's sparked some hope in my heart. I plan to not answer the door, but I don't have curtains on all my windows, including the one on my door, so when I'm stretched out on the couch, like I am right now you can see me through the window on the door. Or, you can't completely see me all the time, but as a knee jerk reaction (much like the issue I'm dealing with) I pop my head up when I hear a knock. So far, it's just been kids looking for my kids. The first night, before I had this plan, Jeremiah's good friend, Nathan, knocked on the door and I answered and told him that no one else is home. Just me. So hopefully the other kids will talk to him and find out no one else is here. I'm sure the kids that knocked last night think I'm a freak! They knocked once. I popped my head up and then scrunched back down to ignore them. They came back a couple minutes later and knocked again. This time I popped my head up and waved them away, shaking my head and mouthing "go away." Yeah, like I said, they probably think I'm a freak. This is part of what I'm getting over. Worrying about what other people think of me, and allowing it to really get to me. See the problem is when someone criticizes me, or I think they did, I begin to fear that what they say about me is true! Especially if they use words like "lazy", "stupid", "worthless", or "gross." These are things I was called in my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive home growing up. My laziness is not really laziness. It's fear. Fear of screwing up. Fear of proving that I'm stupid and worthless. Mostly, I just don't let people get close enough to hurt me. What I'm doing now may seem to be only increasing the likeliness of that problem, but what happens is when I read these things about myself or hear them, I get angry. Not just at the person, but at everyone! At my husband, at my kids, at anyone who may be nearby! I say terrible, mean things that I would never say otherwise to drive them away! To drive everyone away! It's not even conscious, but I do it! I stop believing anything positive anyone says about me. And, of course, ultimately, since I believe that what the person said about me or I perceived they said about me, is true, I end up being angry with myself and wanting to end my life! Too many people in my life, know all too well, how often this happens. If I could see it coming I might be able to stop it, but what I mean by it being uncontrollable (a word I used to describe it in my last post) is that I do see it starting, but I can't stop it. I told you it's complicated! I don't even realize how much hearing those things about myself still affects me, until I see or hear those ugly words again. I'll think I'm doing well. Things are going along just fine and then wham! Somebody slams me with those sorts of accusations (or perceived accusations. I think you get the point about the perception thing! Can we just assume from now on that's sometimes the case? I wasn't accused at all, but I thought they did?) and I go off on them or my family or friends, or all of the above! You get the point. And then, of course, I turn it on myself. And I do realize that my being frozen by fear makes me appear to be lazy, but I'm not! I was raised on a ranch! Are you kidding me?! I know what real work is! I've done it! And been told over and over again that it wasn't good enough. That I didn't try hard enough or I was worthless and would never amount to anything. Or, how could I be so stupid! I could go on and on about the things my parents and teachers would say about the work that I did, but you get the point. I believed it, to the core of my being, and now somehow, even though I know what God's Word says about me, those lies are so deeply rooted, I can't seem to get to a place where they don't cause me to overreact. I still fear that all those things are true of me.

Now, as many of you know, I can't figure out how to comment on my own blog with the recent changes blogger has made, so I'm going to comment to your comments here in this post. Everytime I tried to comment using my blogger account or URL address it just tells me I'm not a member of that site! Really!?! I didn't know I had to be a member of my OWN BLOG!!!

So, here goes: KtCallista- thank you! There is one thing I could use right about now. I have quite a list going, but this is the only one I could really use right now or it will be too late (planning to order online and have things shipped UPS). Do you happen to have some Epsom Salt? Or could you get some and I could pay you back? I could really use it for my ingrown toenail. I'm really hoping I don't have to go back to the doctor for my appointment on Tuesday to have it removed, now that the infection is gone. I didn't think Epsom salt would help before. I mean I've used it for sore muscles, but not something like this. Someone at Camp Grizzly before I left told me it actually would help, so I'm going to try it if I can?

Candy- I'm so glad Angela got to go to VBS! I was a little worried about that! Tell her MOMMY. LOVES. HER. SO. MUCH. and I'll see her soon, but I can't talk to her right now. I'm doing this as much for her and her brother and sister as I am for myself and her daddy. She won't understand now, but I'm hoping someday she will!

Sojourner- Huh? I think I'm missing something? What are you talking about? I mean, I know what you're talking about, but I don't get the connection between that and my post? How'd you come up with that from that? I'm sure you had a point. You always do, but I don't get it!

My Own Personal "Shack"

2011-06-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

Well, no pictures for a while. I'm back home in Moscow, Idaho, but no, I'm not available for coffee, prayer, or anything else! Sorry to disappoint but this is me time! God has got my complete and undivided attention and He better take advantage of it! Yes! I'm giving God the ultimatum! I'm dealing with a particular, uncontrollable issue (sin) in my life, that rears its ugly head from time to time, and has for all of my Christian life, and I'm SICK of it!!!!!! I originally went to Celebrate Recovery for exactly this reason almost 6 years ago! I've done Breaking Free by Beth Moore, prayed many scripture prayers over it. Even prayed my own handwritten Psalms as well as prayers from Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit, but no, it still plagues me when I least expect it. So, after having yet another irrational reaction to someone else's sin at Camp Grizzly, I have returned to Moscow and have locked myself in my house, because I just can't deal face-to-face with other homo sapiens right now! Anyway, without further ado, I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to rewrite a segment from my journal this morning for you, so you get the idea of where I'm at right now. I'm quite done hiding. I'm no longer going to hide myself and my struggles, even publicly. I know some others think this is a bad idea, but others not knowing what my triggers are has created a lot of problems. In blogland, at Camp Grizzly, even on facebook, so I'm letting it all out, mostly.

From my journal:
Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life. Whether or not it'll be good remains to be seen. At the end of this time I'll either be free or I'll be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm starting over with the "Looking Up" devotional book I ordered and I'm somehow going to have to get through it in just a little over a month. That's when my family returns from Camp Grizzly. I've never personally read the book, but from what I've heard, I'm feeling a little like the guy in "The Shack." Except I'm not in the mountains (unfortunately), though they're very nearby. I am not void of responsibility. There are way too many peopl, too close to me, in houses on either side of my trailer house. Any of you who've ever lived in or even seen a trailer park can probably picture it! There is definitely too much laundry! And I'm doing product testing right now for one of the survey groups I'm a part of online, so I can't stop doing that in the middle. After all, I did get a free product to test. It's only fair that I do what I said I would. (Oh! Why do I have to be so responsible at a time like this?!) And I have a feeling my husband and kids (who I left at Camp Grizzly) are going to poke their heads in from time to time. God's going to have to keep my landlord away. I really don't like that guy! (Talk about a distraction from my goal!) He's also going to have to keep all Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses away from me! Lord knows we have way more than our fair share of them around here, and I definitely don't want them to catch me in this raw emotional state! That would be bad! Hopefully the Kirby guy won't bother me too much! That's another huge (and rather annoying) distraction, in the middle of my living room! NEVER let those people past the front door!!!!!! Especially when you're about ready to leave for the summer and you just want to shut them up (and have them help you finish cleaning) and get them out of your house! Those people will not take no for an answer, I'm telling you! Again, distractions! More and more distractions! Most of them wanting my money that I don't have!!! Of course, I need to keep all doors and windows shut, so the neighbors don't hear me, so God's going to have to keep it cool in here, also. So, I apologize in advance to all the Idahoans who keep hoping for a real summer, if it stays extremely cold, sometimes dropping down to winter-like temperatures. Entirely my fault! But God's going to have to show up and be undeniably, unbelievably HUGE! I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty skeptical. I'm not sure He's up to the task. This one particular are of continual sin in my life (that's really hard to describe) is so deeply rooted that it seems even He can't get to it! Or He just doesn't want to!

Okay. so I added a few things, but that's basically it! If you hear I got struck by lightning, you know why!

Chloe At The Park, Me On The Computer, Jeremiah's Crazy!!!

2011-06-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

This is Chloe at the park in Potlatch, Idaho. Isn't she beautiful?! I have no idea what this is she's standing in front of? If someone who's maybe spent some more time at the park in Potlatch could tell me what this is, I'd love to know!?

Okay, it's official! My son's a freak!

Umm, there must be a cute girl nearby??!!!
This is me sitting at my our family computer at home, looking like my usual dorky self!

It's kind of late at Camp Grizzly, my toe hurts, and it's been a long day, so I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow. Good night!

Angela's Crazy Pictures And We're At Camp Grizzly, But Not Healthy:(

2011-06-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

This is Angela experimenting with taking pictures of herself. What a funny kid! She wants her dad to start a photography Venturing Scout post, so there will be one for her to join when she gets old enough to join Venturing. It's a scouting program for boys and girls through the BSA. They always have a special emphasis. There is a cycling crew as of right now. He's working on a shooting sports crew. I'm sure that will be very popular in this area!

Anyway, as most of you know, we are at Camp Grizzly currently. Me and Chloe have been here for a week tomorrow night. Angela came up early with her dad. A couple of days before us. Jeremiah's team got third in their baseball tournament. They did play on Saturday morning, but they lost to Genesee, so they didn't make the final game. That was between Genesee and the Potlatch Loggers. I have no idea who won. I didn't stay long enough. I hope it was Genesee! The Potlatch dynasty needs to be taken down!!!! I will have some pictures from Camp Grizzly the next time I download more pictures! Right now people are helping in the Trading Post right next to me. I think they just got most of the candy and other snacks, so the whole staff is all excited even though they don't get to eat any of this candy unless they pay for it! We just got through eating all of the outdated candy that they took out of there, which is probably why I gained back all but 4 pounds I had lost! That and the fact that I can't walk like I had hoped to, cause I got an ingrown toenail that has become very badly infected. I had to go to QuickCare yesterday in Moscow, so now I'm on antibiotics. I actually waited a whole 'nother day past when the medic here told me I needed to see a doctor! I'm stubborn like that! Especially since I have no insurance and I know I have to pick up Jeremiah when he returns from Camp Easton and I have to take the kids next week to get their new lenses put in their glasses, since those are in. I was waiting until Jeremiah came back to do that, so I could do all three at once. Plus I had a list of things to get when I returned. Some I forgot, others we ran out of, like cold medicine, since I have three coughing children. Now much of the staff has sore throats! Of all the things I would like to share with the staff....that was not one of them!!! Oh, well, the joy of living with lots of other people in a sort of community. Everyone who's ever worked here calls it the "Grizzly family" because you do sort of become a family and all you have to do is work here one year and you never get out of the Grizzly family. It's permanent just like a blood family. You come back and they all embrace you! It's like the family of God, but not quite! It is good, though...most of the time!! Just like with a real family. Anyway, Josh took me in, because he had to discuss with them the fact that I needed taking care of right now, but we can't pay right now. They weren't real nice about that, but we got it taken care of, and we got my antibiotics and made an appointment for July 5 in Troy with my regular doctor to get the ingrown toenail removed. First we have to get rid of the infection for them to be able to do that! I don't think it's really hit the girls that my time in the water has been put off much longer now. The camp medic told me to stay out of the water. No swimming, but now that it's official that it's infected, I can't swim until at least the infection's gone. I don't know how long I have to keep it dry and clean after she cuts it out. Anyway, my girls are getting better, even though Angela's coughing half to death next to me. Or she was. Now, she's in the Trading Post. I did tell you that my posts would be very rough during Camp Grizzly, right?! Talk later. It's almost time for lunch!

My Kids "Big" Personality And Me, Struggling

2011-06-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure Angela took this picture. She absolutely loves taking pictures. I'm pretty sure she's going to take photography classes the first chance she gets! And I KNOW she took these pictures of her egg, Bob. Bob got eaten, but not for a long time. We buy eggs in bulk. They have these large crate things stacked on each other at WinCo and that's how we buy them. Josh and I being on a high protein diet, eat a lot of eggs, so that's why. Angela decided to draw on this one and name it Bob. She then put it back into the refridgerator. Neither Josh or I had the heart to eat it for a very long time. I smiled every time I opened the refridgerator and saw "Bob" all by himself with all the eggs around him already eaten. Bob is gone now, so I'm assuming Josh finally ate him. "Bob" couldn't live forever, after all:)

It's exhausting having kids with such big personalities, but it's also really fun. I do understand why my mom decided to crush my spirit rather than enjoy my God-given personality, but somehow I can't do that with my kids. While it is exhausting, it's also a blast and why I love them so much. It is hard to teach them to behave appropriately in public. Sometimes it's okay to be crazy and sometimes it isn't. I, myself, as I've begun to revive my "big" personality have a hard tiem learning how to control myself. I was shut up inside myself for so long, it's hard to know when to "let it all out" and when to hold back. It's also hard to let myself just be sad sometimes and cry. It's hard to know who to trust and when to do it. And sometimes I hold back for so long that I can't when it is appropriate and I should. It's very frustrating. I've been dealing a lot with the fact that I couldn't cry in my home growing up and I never received comfort from anyone. In fact, my pain was never affirmed. I was always told to "quit being a baby" and that it wasn't that big a deal. ALWAYS! Whether it was a pet that had died or my boyfriend raping me. It wasn't a big deal and wasn't okay to cry about it. I just had to suck it up and get on with life. I couldn't. After one thing after another and so much pain buried inside of me, I couldn't keep it together and I still can't. I am in a great deal of pain over the fact that I'm not supposed to hurt and I'm not supposed to wish I had a real flesh and blood mother whose lap I could crawl into and cry, and not even really have a reason for it, except that I never got to as a child. And then, I realize that I'm way too old for that, and it's too late. And that hurts, sooooo much, I can't even tell you. I wish I was okay being me, but I'm not. I wish I was okay dealing with these things on my own, but I'm not. However, I'm not okay dealing with them in front of people either. I'm ashamed even to admit that I have this need for flesh and blood to comfort me and be there for me emotionally. I'm not supposed to need that. I'm supposed to be my happy, sanguine self, all the time.

Jeremiah's 6th Grade Graduation! (Please Tell Me I'm Not Going To Blink And It's Going To Be High School!)

2011-06-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, obviously, as you can clearly see, it was impossible to get this kid to let me take any serious pictures on graduation day. He tried very hard in the second picture down to keep me from taking his picture. Either that or he really wanted you to see the top of his graduation cap, as if you'd never seen a mortarboard, right?!!!

Oh, yes, and obviously I found the cord to my camera. Of course it does have a card, so we would have gotten the pictures on here eventually, but I couldn't charge the camera without that cord either, so I wouldn't have had a camera long without it! Can't really afford to buy rechargable batteries over and over again. They're rechargeable for a reason! You're supposed to be able to recharge them, which is why they're more expensive and from what I understand this camera doesn't have the option of using non-rechargables!!! The cord was used for both downloading and charging. I have an adapter for the charging part. They didn't lose the adapter! They've been let know that they better put my stuff back where it goes when they're done with it or they won't be allow to use my camera at all!!!

No More Pictures

2011-06-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

Well, sorry folks! No more pictures! Ever! I'm certainly not bothering to buy another camera! EVER! My kids are always in a hurry and always rushing through my purse to get stuff out, even though there is never any need for them to hurry so stinkin' fast, and thanks to them, we no longer have a cord for my camera. It won't recognize any other cord, so there will be no more pictures!

One More "Wounded" Picture And Jeremiah As A Baby

2011-06-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

Apparently Jeremiah took the pictures that are on my camera, of his own "battle wounds." Apparently, battle wounds are always worthy of camera space with boys! They show them off like some sort of trophy! What's up with that?! To me it's just another thing that will probably produce another scar when I get hurt! I guess that's just how we women are. Constantly worried about how everything's going to affect the "beauty" factor! But the "manliness" factor with them is totally different! I'd forgotten I had this on my camera. This is actually a picture of a picture that's on my wall! Normall we'd try to take it out of the frame, but it's stuck to the glass and when we took Angela's baby picture out a few years ago, we ripped the bottom of it. We were not about to make that mistake again! We needed a baby picture for his graduation! I absolutely love this picture and yes, he has always been that adorable!!!
By the way, Sojourner5, thank you for reminding me not to hug and kiss him and call him my little man when I drop him off at junior high!!! LOL! He's normally the type of kid who hugs and kisses ME in public, and tells the other kids, "Hey, what's wrong with you! Don't you love your mama? You should love your mama!" But I would imagine that at least for a while he'll be feeling a little awkward around all the students he doesn't yet know, so having me hugging and kissing him wouldn't help! And I certainly hope I remember not to call him my little man! That would be humiliating in front of people he hopes will be new friends! The only reason I'm not commenting in a comment is for some reason when I try to comment, Blogger no longer recognizes my account, even though OBVIOUSLY this is my account!!!
Anyway, this is my little man when the "little" part of that statement was much more accurate! People have been pointing out to me when they see me with him, lately, that he's just on the verge of overshooting me, heighth wise! I have no doubt, he understands that does not make me "below" him! He knows, because we've taught him well, that no matter how big he gets, I'm still the parent and he's still the child! At least until he moves out, and then that relationship will shift a little, as long as he doesn't want money :) He also understands that he will always be my baby, but he would prefer if I didn't call him that in front of his friends (I've slipped a time or two!)!

The Last Of The Play Pictures!

2011-06-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

I realize that this is a horrible picture, but I wanted you to get an idea of just how small my children's charter school really is! They limit their enrollment to keep it this way, so they can have plenty of one-on-one time for each of the kids. Yet another reason Junior High is probably going to be a total shock to Jeremiah's system next year! All of a sudden all of those now seventh graders that have been going to all of the different elementary school's in Moscow will be converging into one junior high school! Well, some of them will probably go to private schools or to the other charter school, which does include 7th and 8th grades, but you know what I mean. The majority of them. It is tradition that at the end of the play they invite all of the classes to come up on stage together and that's what this is, and they sing one last song together. It's kind of sad that this will be Jeremiah's last year at the charter school. In fact, we realized at the beginning of the year that this is the last year that all of my kids will be in the same school at the same time. I could bawl right now over it, but I'm not going to! I'll wait till the fall when I drop my little man off at the junior high!!! It's quite funny, cause they line the kids up by grades with the kindergartners in front, but you couldn't see my sweet little second grader, cause she's so tiny! All of the much taller 1st graders buried her! She would have fit much better height wise with the kindergartners! Poor Chloe! She had to be tiny like her mama, didn't she!?! She absolutely hates that people think she's much younger than she is! I told her what my mother always told me, even though I didn't believe her at the time! I told her someday she'll appreciate looking younger than her age!!! I definitely do now!!! I love that people look at me and think for sure, I got married right out of high school! Not true, but thank you!!!!! I was actually 22 when I got married, but don't tell my kids! I still tell them I'm 25! They don't believe me! They also are not convinced that I have eyes in the back of my head! Why did I have to have kids that are so much less blonde than me, even though two of them are blonde!!!! This is Jeremiah as an Aztec Ruler. He plays the part so well, don't you think? He looks like he should be a ruler! Certainly not in my home, although he'd like to!!! He made that headdress himself! Are you impressed?!And this is Angela to your left, with very dark clothes on and a very dark backdrop. Not a good combination, but hopefully you can see her! She's supposed to be a Texan. She's wearing a cowboy hat (it's foam. We paid 3 dollars for it at Michael's!) a very western looking vest I bought years ago at a thrift store and figured we'd never have a use for. Angela just liked it, and jeans and cowboy boots! When she first told me she needed a costume for a Texan woman I immediately sat up straight and said, "Okay, somebody get me some bleach and a teasing comb!" My kids immediately rolled their eyes, cause they knew exactly who I was thinking of! When Angela suggested a cowboy hat and cowboy boots (excuse me, cowGIRL hat and CowGIRL boots! She always corrects me on that!) I said, "But I've never seen Beth Moore wear a cowgirl hat or cowgirl boots!" (Yes, I actually did make that gender distinction myself during this conversation! Aren't you proud of me?!) Of course, Chloe wanted to know what a teasing comb was, and when I explained it to her she immediately wanted one!!! Doesn't it just figure that with her super fine, flat hair that you can hardly do anything with she wants big hair in the WORST way! Come to think of it why couldn't she have been the Texas woman?! We could have skipped the first part (the bleach) since she's as blonde as anyone could possibly be already!!! But, no, the whitest kid in school was a slave! Go figure! (Again, not being racist! It's just a fact that slaves in America were black! Get over it! You can't change our history, as ugly as it may be!) Anyway, she did convince me to go with the extremely stereotypical idea of all Texans being cowgirls! Ugh! Besides, it was easier than bleaching her hair and teasing it! Although, that would have been fun!!! Haven't done that since my cowgirl days!! Now, I suppose I'm going to have to tell you about that part of my life someday!!!

This Is Probably The Last One Of Just Chloe

2011-06-06T20:49:00.000-07:00

This is also a picture of Chloe. She took a country dance class after school for about half the year and here they were doing their dance! It was very hard to take a picture of them dancing up there as they were going around in circles and things, but she's the shortest one here as almost is always the case

Another Play Picture

2011-06-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

This picture also highlights my youngest daughter, Chloe. Again, she is in white on the right side of the picture, as you're facing it. I'm sure I will have much more to say once we've settle in at Camp Grizzly. Right now, my head's too full of stuff I have to get done before I go to Camp Grizzly, so I can't really think clearly enough to write. So sorry, but you're going to get a lot of pictures and few words from me for the next couple of weeks, probably!

My Little Slave

2011-06-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

My kids had their all school play last week and this is one of Chloe's scenes. She's the one in front all dressed in white with the patch. She's supposed to be a slave. I know this might sound racist, but for the slave days of the United States, is she not the whitest slave you've ever seen? Some might say that's racist, but seriously, last time I checked my history books, slaves in America were black! That's not racist. It's just a fact. They got their slaves from Africa and they're rather dark over there! They're beautiful actually. I'm a little jealous of their skin! Especially as I'm lathering 60 SPF sunscreen on my skin constantly on my irish skin, in the summer time! And sometimes I still get burnt! I should probably use 80 SPF sunscreen! I saw some in the store the other day, believe it or not! They're starting to figure out that some of us have such pale skin we almost glow in the dark and we need stronger sunscreen than others! I mean, when you're a mix of irish, german, and scottish, it makes for some rather light skin!!!!

Jeremiah's Owie

2011-06-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

Neither of these pictures are very good, but this is what Jeremiah's ankle looked like after he slid into home plate with shorts on. He was safe, too! He says it wasn't worth it, though! He had a limp for a while and he said there was dirt in it and it stung. This was at school on the playground obviously. He wears baseball pants when he practices with his team. And, of course, when he plays a game! He had a game the next day, too, and had a bit of a limp still!

Me, Speechless (Don't Faint)

2011-05-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

Another picture of Angela singing. I don't have a whole lot to say. I'm really hungry, so I'm going to go eat!

Talented Kids

2011-05-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

For some reason when I first put this on my computer wouldn't let me type! That was so weird! I also couldn't comment on anybody else's blogs or find another website. Anything that involved typing I couldn't do. I had to reboot the system to be able to type.

Anyway, this is Angela singing at our church's talent show. I didn't get a picture of Jeremiah cause I was too busy watching him. He didn't tell me what he was doing beforehand. He wanted it to be a surprise, so I was watching intently and forgot to take a picture. He played his recorder with his legs crossed and walking on his knees! Goofy kid! He couldn't just do a real talent. He had to be silly!
This is a picture he took of his baseball uniform for his facebook page!

Just Thought I'd Check In

2011-05-25T00:20:00.001-07:00

I seem to be doing this middle of the night posting thing way too much these days. After the kids school play, Jeremiah's sixth grade graduation, and the end of baseball season...oh, yeah, and shopping for summer supplies that need replacing and moving out to Camp Grizzly again (Phew!!) maybe life will slow down again for a while!

"Random" Drawings

2011-05-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Wow! I have not been taking very many pictures! All of the pictures I just downloaded off my camera are Jeremiah's pictures, so I guess I will copy an excerpt from my new book.

Okay, never mind it's not working. Not really sure why. I'll have to figure that one out later.

Did I mention that I won a blog drawing recently? I didn't! How in the world did I let you miss out on that one!?! I won a drawing on the blog Praise And Coffee!! You can find that one in the margin of my blog at this point! I have all the blogs I follow in the sidebar, so you can click on it. They have a monthly giveaway and I won their May giveaway! I just got my coffee from barista de casa this last weekend! It is delicious!!!! I may never be able to go back to drinking Folgers again!! But of course, that is their goal, is to get you to buy their coffee! If it's not too expensive I might! You can find them on both facebook and Twitter, by the way, if you're interested! If you actually like cheap coffee and don't just drink it cause you don't have a choice, like me, you probably won't like it! But if you like things like Starbucks coffee, you will LOVE barista de casa! I'm telling you, I think it's even better!!! They sent me two flavors and the one I have on right now is called "candy ban." It smelled the best, so I planned to do that one last, but I accidently opened it instead of the "Panama Estate" like I planned too, so that's what I'm drinking this morning!

What I really can't wait for is the cd I won! It's by Laura Story and it's called "Blessings." I can't help but think it's a God-thing that I happened to win that cd! I listened to a snippet of it online (cause I was curious) and the title song starts out, "What if your blessings come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears." How timely is that in my life as I'm going through counseling and dealing with very tough things in my past and in my current relationships! Their have been many tears and what feels like rain in my life! I watched an interview with Laura about the album and if I'm remembering correctly all of the songs on the album were written during a time when she and her husband were going through some tough times and trying to figure out how to praise Him during the storms. And she talks about learning to see our circumstances through God instead of looking at God through our circumstances! It just seems to be way too timely in my life for this too have been totally random! I think God Himself drew my name out of the "hat" so to speak! The supposedly "random" drawing was controlled by God!!!

Chloe's Been Baptized!

2011-05-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Well, it's late and I haven't downloaded any new pictures onto my laptop yet. Plus, the camera's dead, so I'm pretty sure I can't until I charge it up!

But, I thought I'd let you know, it is now official! All of the Paparazzo children have been baptized! Chloe was baptized this morning! I will hopefully be able to get my hands on the video and figure out how to put those on here. Since my camera died before it was her turn, the video's on my hubby's iPhone! It's a little late to be figuring that out right now!

So, one parenting goal accomplished. Now for the other 5 million!!! Wish me luck.....or better yet, pray!!! Please!!!

The Last Of The Ball Pit Pictures And A Few Misc. Things

2011-05-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, all the girls wanted me to take their pictures coming out of the slide, and they all have such funny expressions on their faces, except for Christina (from my last post) who seemed to be practically posing. Of course, in general, I am struck by how different Christina is from her cousin, and my daughter's best friend, Riley, who is behind Angela in this picture. Riley is amazingly similar to Angela. They're both tomboys who love to wrestle, have punching contests (just like boys!) and yet they also like fashion, too! They are such an odd combination of tomboy and girly girl! It's quite strange raising Angela, and, as you know, frustrating at times! At a LOT of times, but back to the differences between the two cousins. While Riley is very tomboy, Christina shows up to play in the ball pit in a dress and with her hair all done up!! So funny! Only God would make relatives so different from each other! We'd make them just like us, and that would be so boring!
Of course, Chloe is very much like me (without the fear, which makes it so much more fun.) and I most definitely would not call her boring! She just loves life and wants to try everything! I just really hope she doesn't have the horrid experiences I have had to kill that in her! I love it, and it helps me with my issues believe it or not! It's such a joy to see life from her perspective. When she turned out to have learning issues (that I suspect I myself also have, but were never discovered) and she had to take special classes, she said that she was lucky, because she has more teachers than any of the other kids! What a marvelous way to look at it!

Of course, then there are the very odd and out of place things kids sometimes say. Like they're in a completely different conversation inside their heads. Sometimes I wonder why I talk to them at all! They have such marvelous conversations inside their heads while I'm talking, I'm thinking. I was talking to Chloe the other day about her memorizing her songs for the school production, and she said she was sure she'd memorize them as quickly as she did her lines, and asked me how long I thought it took her to memorize her lines. I told her I didn't know, and she told me it took her two days. I told her, I know you memorize things quickly. "It took you two days too memorize the bible verses I had been working on for over a week! And I read them more times a day than you did!" I proceeded to tell her how her mind is like a sponge at her age, and she chimes in with, "Yeah, like scabs." .....What in the world?? Where did that come from??? LOL

Our Neighbor And Me At The End Of My Rope!

2011-05-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

This is our neighbor, Christina. This is the best picture I've got of her. She's really cute! I have to admit, I am having a rather hard day today. I'm at the end of my rope when it comes to my daughter, Angela. I love her, dearly, you know I do, but every time I do something for her she doesn't like something about it. And when she doesn't get what she wants she screams her head off. We're about to give up on her, and just let her do what she wants. Of course, we can't actually give her everyTHING she wants! I'm not sure Bill Gates could afford to do that, but provided it doesn't cost much, she's getting what she wants. If what she wants are parents who don't care, she's about to find out what that's like!

A Million Watt Smile

2011-05-18T17:30:00.000-07:00

Now, that's a smile worth a million bucks! Now....give me a million bucks!!!.....Come on, what's wrong with you?! Where's my million bucks?!! Not the best picture in the, but that is a million watt smile!!! And Jeremiah says for every watt I get a million bucks! LOL! JK!.....Okay, Jeremiah's not kidding!.....He's just going to have to keep dreaming!

Girls And Their Love

2011-05-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

She's so fun! I love her so much! You know, in her young life she's already led two young girls to the Lord! One of those being her sister, who's getting baptized this Sunday at Bridge Bible Fellowship in Moscow, Idaho! We're so excited! No, Chloe did not pray with me! She asked her sister! Those two are so close, it's amazing! Me and my sister HATED each other! I mean, knock out drag out, fighting! All of my brothers and sisters and I could not stand each other! So, it's very different for me having two girls who love each other so much! They share a room. They have bunk beds and often at night when they're supposed to be sleeping, I can hear them whispering to each other and giggling, and I know I should probably get on them for not sleeping, and I do, sometimes, but sometimes I don't. I just smile to myself and walk right on by! I love that they have so much fun together! Of course, they do fight, as well, sometimes. Don't start thinking they're perfect. They're not. But, sometimes, I even go in there after they've gone to sleep and find them on the same bunk with their arms around each other, sound asleep. It just makes me want to cry tears of joy, they love each other so much! They're laughing and probably screaming at the same time, but they're not mad or upset, I promise!

Okay, now you know you're going to get a lecture, right? I've told you before, I'd just stick with my personal writing and journaling and not even bother with a blog if I didn't want to hear from you, so talk to me! And if you read my blog, but are not a public follower of my blog, please consider doing that. I love to know who's reading these posts and even tell me a little bit about you. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I don't get out of this little town much, so I like the reminder that there are other people and other places out there. I really can't wait to move to a more diverse place, so I can get to know some new people and more of them! I'm way too much of an extrovert for this area to be able to handle me! :)

Scary Kids

2011-05-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, so they're definitely having fun! The little girl in the back is my next door neighbor, Chrisina, by the way. Okay, now they're starting to scare me!

Balls In Space???

2011-05-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

I know you guys are probably so sick of the ball pit pictures!!! But you know what, I'm not! I love them! I love these girls! Even the one's that aren't mine, although not as much as mine! There are two I'm rather partial to! Sorry, but it's the truth. Besides, I think it's so funny that they decided to start throwing the balls at me while I was taking pictures! it's so funny, how they all look like they're floating, like planets out in space! Jeremiah even said when he looked at them, "Could you just imagine a ball pit like this on the moon!" That would be so much fun!! Floating around with a cage full of balls, also floating! That would be pretty cool!!!

They really were having way too much fun! It's too bad the one in this picture that belongs to me is now grounded. Long story, and I'm sure she would prefer I not tell you about it, so I won't.

Expressions

2011-05-12T07:54:00.000-07:00

Some of the expressions you can catch when you randomly snap pictures are just downright hilarious!!! I think she was quite determined in this picture! She looks like she's aiming!

Right at me, too! Should I be worried?

More Joy!

2011-05-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

Does it get any better than this?

Me, Studying? Who Would've Thunk It....

2011-05-10T20:54:00.001-07:00

I'm on the family computer tonight, not the one I put my pictures on tonight, so no pictures tonight. You just get me talking. I know, it scares me, too. The pictures are sort of a crutch and a way for me to remember the good times when things are hard. Two weeks ago (I think?) I found some books I've been wanting, but couldn't afford, used on amazon.com. I ordered 2 books, The NIV Exhaustive Concordance and The Expositor's Commentary Volume 10. That's the volume that includes 1 Corinthians, which many of you know, I have been studying at length all year, and will continue doing. I started over at chapter 1 verses 1-3 in the last few weeks. I also finally sat down and read the entire book straight through once, which is what I should have done in the first place. My concordance has arrived, but I'm still waiting on the commentary. That's okay, cause with the method I'm using, you look at commentaries last, so I don't need it yet anyway. I did need the concordance, though. I haven't used it yet, but I'm sure I will soon. I'm also reading a book I had no idea what so rich, that has been on my bookshelf for years! It's called "Systematic Theology" by Wayne Grudem! What inspired all this studying? Why Beth Moore, of course. Who always inspires me, duh? Well, okay, most of the time she's the one who inspires me. She's the one who inspired me to take up writing again, after having been discouraged so much when I was younger from my first love (writing and reading). Well, not so much reading, but the two sort of go together, it seems. I don't know a single writer who doesn't also love to read! Also, she's the one who got me interested in in-depth bible study. Not just the book version, but actually attempting to glean something from the scriptures through intense studying using other resources myself. I never really cared to do that before. In fact, it took an enormous amount of energy to convince myself to even read the bible! Now, I can't get enough!!! I'm hungry for the Word!!! Thanks, Beth Moore! I don't know how you do it, but you do! Anyway, I'm having a blast and I never thought I'd ever be interested in this sort of thing!

True Joy!

2011-05-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

That's the only thing I could call this given the expressions on their faces! By the way, the girl with the british flag shirt is Angela's new best friend, Riley. They used to hate each other, now their best friends. Go figure?! Preteen girls! What can you do with them?! I guess throw them in a ball pit and snap pictures!!!

Balls Galore!

2011-05-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

Chloe was throwing the balls right at me! I thought the middle one turned out kind of cool!

Kids In The Ball Pit

2011-05-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

Last week, one day after school and after dropping Jeremiah off at baseball practice, I took the girls to Bumpers at the mall, where they met their friends and I paid for all of them to play in this bacteria infested mess, and tried real hard not to think of it that way! I just started snapping pictures and these are only two of them. Most of them didn't turn out all that great. I hope you can at least get the idea from this picture that they had fun! They had so much fun! It's the best 4 dollars I ever spent!

Last Pic of Easter and My New Book

2011-05-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

Oh, so prim and proper! Notice the hands in the lamp. She is soooo grown up (she wishes!) They are pretty fantastic, these girls and their brother! So fantastic! They gave me more flowers for Mother's Day than I had vases to put them in! Not too mention the fake one's that they made at church, and the cards....oh, and the chocolate bar my daughter got me. Also, a wonderful mexican dinner! The Vandal Nachos at San Miguel's are sooooo good! Mmmmmmmmm! My love for mexican food grows every day (along with my wasteline, but let's not talk about that)!!!

What have I been up to these days? Well, I'm so glad you asked! I'm writing another book! I know, I know. I haven't even finished the first one, but this one's been a long time coming! This is the one I'd been planning to write at some point since I was in high school! I just really didn't have any hope to offer to go along with it back then! It really came back to me that I should with my new Christian perspective several years ago when I started my recovery through CR. It was brought back to my attention recently that I really should write a book about my life, really more of a compilation of many fun and some not so fun stories from my life. Growing up and raising kids, so that I am doing. I've only made it to kindergarten so far and it's already three pages! And that's with very narrow margins!!! Maybe I'll do a copy-paste thing of a few sections on here of that sometime like I did with the original draft of my first book. Anyway, that and being sick, and being pampered for Mother's Day and having kids on a four day weekend that I had to drag around to keep entertained, has been my life recently!