Avoid conflict: Yep, that's how my husband handles things. He would've just sucked it up, gone down to my mom's house, avoided everybody, done what he was told, and returned and then gone back to being ourselves and having fun. I've tried that. I'm not very good at not interacting. It really doesn't work for me. Plus, I have this problem. I'm the mom. So while he can ignore people children treating his children cruelly or really honestly claim ignorance, because he wasn't paying any attention, just disappearing into his own little world where he doesn't notice the chaos all around him. SOMEBODY still has to be the parent, though, and that always falls to me. So while he can just avoid everybody, I have to make sure my children's needs are met, so that requires me to be involved with my family. I remember so many times asking him if he could help with the kids and as always he says, "Your doing just fine." Avoidance. It works for him. He just sits back, while my kids get hurt and I get hurt and pretends nothing is happening. I probably won't even post this, because I realize I'm sort of bashing my husband and I'm trying not to do that kind of thing on here. Only deal with my stuff and not bash anyone else, but he's been doing this for years and I'm SICK of it! He says he would have just gone with it, but that's okay, he supports me! Funny! I don't feel very supported!
So, I let him read this before posting, and he still doesn't see what the problem is, so I don't care anymore! Hate me for bashing my husband, but I already know what everyone here would say if I personally went to them. "This is something the two of you are going to have to work out." "You should just go down and see your family for Christmas. You need to show them the love of Christ!" NO ONE here really supports me and understands me. Not entirely their fault, but they just don't get it! They don't understand when I describe the way I grew up or the way my parents and siblings behave now! Mostly because they've never experienced anything like that, and the one's who have...well, they're in the same shape I'm in. Or, they've managed to repress their feelings so much that they don't feel the pain of those things anymore. I used to be like that, but I decided to let my feelings resurface and not be so cold and now I can't seem to turn them off! I hate being treated like trash, because I know it's not right! And I REALLY hate my children being treated like trash! The reason I post these things? Because God doesn't care enough to get me out of this place, so I can be around people who understand me, and for now, this IS my support!!! My online community, through blogging, and tweeting is my only real support!!! Others here have tried, but they don't understand. The one's who do understand don't have the gifting, training or calling to help me! Actually, I'm not sure healthy people who are anything like me exist in this town, because they've all been in the same boat I'm in for all of their lives!
I'm sorry if anyone thinks this is slandering anyone, because I don't think it is. I have given the people involved their due respect. I understand that we just don't connect or understand each other well, and that they are doing the best they can, so please don't take this as slander. I even understand that my husband doesn't understand and doesn't see what the problem is, because he doesn't know or understand anything about boundaries either. There are none in his family of origin really, either. You can't understand what you've never been taught!
You may have a duty to your parents and siblings, but you have a more important duty to your husband and your children. I do not fault you at all for not going to their house this holiday. In fact, I think, by showing them that their treatment of you and your children is such that you can not in good conscience allow it to continue, is showing them love, and discernment.
ReplyDeleteI'm really proud of you for standing up to the abuse and doing your best to, in love, make it stop. This is a life long habit that needs a flashing neon sign upside the head before anyone is going to notice. You've turned on the lights, now you just have to hope you make impact!
Yes, Christ asks us to turn the other check, to reach out to the lost, especially our family, but he also does not ask us to seek out abuse. We have a difficult family member, God has blessed us with only one, thankfully. We do not leave our children with him. We avoid letting him drive whenever we can. We will not take a job that puts us within a days drive of his residence (at this time). We know God loves him, and wants us to retain a relationship with him, but for the safety of our children, and our own fragile relationship with the Lord, that must occur at a distance. Plus, our primary mission is elsewhere as it is obvious God does not want us to go there, or anywhere else, at this time, yet.
I'm sorry your husband would just avoid. I think all of us have things we'd rather just avoid. I will go worlds to avoid conflict if it's at all feasible. As you know, my husband also has his own little world. His hearing has kept him from so much of the social interactions, that he just lives there unless someone pulls him out by actively engaging him. I know it's not the same thing, but I do find myself also trying to rehash events to make him "see" what it is I am talking about, that he simply missed because he was not participating in the social and seeing what was happening.
I would not feel bad about this post, you cleared it with your husband, and no husband is perfect (nor is any wife). Their faults are frustrating, and sometimes you do just need scream it out to your support (and occasionally the world at large). Wishing your family a very Merry Holiday, just the 5 of you!
KtC