Christmas Lack Of Sleep And Continuing With Boundary Issues

Hmmm, I wonder if I'm going to suddenly get really consistent about this blogging thing? I doubt it! I wouldn't count on it if I were you! It was nice that it didn't take like 5 hours to read something from each of the blogs I'm following though! You know, since I did this yesterday before I blogged. Well, two nights ago really, even though it was technically morning by the time I posted. That was actually a really good day. I was exhausted by the end of it and couldn't sleep for the wind banging things around, but I had a good day and didn't feel the need for a nap during the day, although, I didn't get out of bed until 11, so I don't know if that really counts. I woke up close to 11 again today. I woke up a few times earlier, but didn't feel like getting up and quickly went back to sleep. So, yes, my sleeping patterns are messed up as usual! What else is new?!

Well, my two oldest still fight like cats and dogs. More like a ferocious(sp?) lion and a rabid wolf, but okay. And I'm not sure which one is which! We had a nice Christmas at home. I didn't burn the turkey and I even made sweet potatoes (from a can), gravy (from packages), Stove Top Stuffing, mashed potatoes (from dehydrated potato flakes in a bag), and green beans, which I almost forgot, also from a can. I think that's all. Oh, yeah, then there was the store bought Pumpkin and Apple Pies. I never even got to touch the Apple Pie, and barely got any Pumpkin Pie. This is the thanks I get for actually doing something in the kitchen besides stick a frozen burrito in the microwave. Josh said, "If you snooze, you lose, literally." He said this because I discovered the empty Apple Pie tin after I had taken a nap on Sunday afternoon, so yes, I was snoozing! But seriously, after being awake all night Friday night worrying about messing up the turkey or any other part of Christmas dinner, and then dragging the kids to the Candlelight service at our church, and then taking care of the stockings and all that night and being so excited to see the kids expressions I couldn't sleep for the second night in a row! And then them opening their presents Christmas morning, getting ready and going to Sunday service, coming home, playing Angela at air hockey, and kicking her rear, I might add, then getting my rear kicked by my son, so that I could experience some humbling. Then, helping Angela figure out how to set her password for her new voice activated password journal.....I think I deserved a nap!!!!

It was a crazy Christmas! But totally fun, and I'm looking forward to hopefully doing it again next year, unless of course, we can convince my parents to get control of my sister and older brother, not to mention getting all porn completely out of the house, where there will be no way my children would have access to it! It seems like there was another condition I will have, but I can't remember it right now. Oh, yeah, something will have to be done about the cats and dogs, but they already know that, with Chloe's allergies. That, I don't have to argue with anyone about. No one will disagree with that. Bringing up the porn will be very awkward, if the time comes for that. Talk about a pink elephant in the room! It's one of those things we NEVER mention! You don't even hear the word "PlayBoy" said outloud in my parents house or around them, but everyone knows it's there. It's right in the drawers underneath the towel cupboard in the bathroom! Always!! But it's never been mentioned, except by my husband, who was the first person to point out to me that most families don't have PlayBoy magazines in their bathrooms. I had no idea that wasn't normal. How would I know that wasn't normal? I mean, I knew that for a Christian home it's unacceptable, but for a non-Christian home? I just figured everyone had them! And even when he brought it up, it was only to me, in private. Anyway, if my family never gets real about the abuse in our home, then it will never have to be brought up, but I'm hoping and praying that my parents will, first and foremost, come to know Christ, and that then they will put a stop to the abuse and pornography. It has to stop or I can't bring my kids. Of course, the porn will be an issue even when my siblings aren't there, so yeah, it will probably have to be brought up eventually. I fear my children have probably already seen it and who knows how it's effected them. I know how it affected me, but that's a whole 'nother subject for another time.

For The Love Of BROWN! (and other Christmas delights)

Oh, how we love BROWN! Yep! The UPS man showed up at our house today! Poor man! I thought my kids would ATTACK him! They were at the door like vultures! I told them grandma was sending their Christmas presents UPS, so they KNEW what was coming!!! He really just smiled as he came up the steps and said, "Hey! You sound like you're having too much fun around here!" in a mock stern voice! So fun! I bet they love their job this time of year! Everybody's so happy to see them! Of course, I always love BROWN! I just don't always like the mail man. He brings the bills. The UPS man just brings the good stuff!!!!!

So. Our Christmas tree now looks like a Christmas tree ought to look, with lots of packages underneath the tree, because Josh also bought all the kids their main gifts yesterday, so we wrapped them before our argument and put them under the tree. They are going to LOVE their gifts. Angela isn't getting the one thing she really wanted, but I think she'll like what she's getting. I asked Josh to take back the earrings he bought Angela, cause I know she won't wear them and I know of something that's on sale that she'll really LOVE that I want to get for a stocking stuffer. He's left most of the stocking stuffer shopping to me. So, that's not done. I also have to buy stuff for Christmas dinner. I think I'm going to do an afternoon dinner on Christmas Eve, so I can just play with the kids and their new toys and things on Christmas Day. I've decided everything but the turkey is going to be from a box or a can. We'll have to build up through the years with the cooking part. I've never even done a turkey, so I think even the gravy will come from a can this year. Or a jar. I'm hoping they have some in a jar or something, cause I don't really like the package one's. They're too thin. I like thick gravy. We'll see what we can do. Next year, if we still do Christmas at home we'll look at getting what I need to make real gravy from the turkey drippings. I love gravy, so I'm a little unsure about not doing the real thing this year, but I'll see what's available. Of course, only Chloe and I will eat the gravy, and only I will eat the stuffing, which is why I'm not going to bother with real stuffing. Probably not ever, although I learned at Thanksgiving with our friends that I could probably have Isaac Leidenfrost over and he'd help me eat the leftovers! :) That boy likes his stuffing!!!

Oh, yes, and the reason why I'm thinking we'll have dinner so early is because I'm pretty sure our church does a Christmas Eve service and we'll probably go to that. I certainly would want to if they're having one. I'm pretty sure they do one every year. We just haven't ever gone, cause we're never here on Christmas Eve.

Avoid Conflict

Avoid conflict: Yep, that's how my husband handles things. He would've just sucked it up, gone down to my mom's house, avoided everybody, done what he was told, and returned and then gone back to being ourselves and having fun. I've tried that. I'm not very good at not interacting. It really doesn't work for me. Plus, I have this problem. I'm the mom. So while he can ignore people children treating his children cruelly or really honestly claim ignorance, because he wasn't paying any attention, just disappearing into his own little world where he doesn't notice the chaos all around him. SOMEBODY still has to be the parent, though, and that always falls to me. So while he can just avoid everybody, I have to make sure my children's needs are met, so that requires me to be involved with my family. I remember so many times asking him if he could help with the kids and as always he says, "Your doing just fine." Avoidance. It works for him. He just sits back, while my kids get hurt and I get hurt and pretends nothing is happening. I probably won't even post this, because I realize I'm sort of bashing my husband and I'm trying not to do that kind of thing on here. Only deal with my stuff and not bash anyone else, but he's been doing this for years and I'm SICK of it! He says he would have just gone with it, but that's okay, he supports me! Funny! I don't feel very supported!

So, I let him read this before posting, and he still doesn't see what the problem is, so I don't care anymore! Hate me for bashing my husband, but I already know what everyone here would say if I personally went to them. "This is something the two of you are going to have to work out." "You should just go down and see your family for Christmas. You need to show them the love of Christ!" NO ONE here really supports me and understands me. Not entirely their fault, but they just don't get it! They don't understand when I describe the way I grew up or the way my parents and siblings behave now! Mostly because they've never experienced anything like that, and the one's who have...well, they're in the same shape I'm in. Or, they've managed to repress their feelings so much that they don't feel the pain of those things anymore. I used to be like that, but I decided to let my feelings resurface and not be so cold and now I can't seem to turn them off! I hate being treated like trash, because I know it's not right! And I REALLY hate my children being treated like trash! The reason I post these things? Because God doesn't care enough to get me out of this place, so I can be around people who understand me, and for now, this IS my support!!! My online community, through blogging, and tweeting is my only real support!!! Others here have tried, but they don't understand. The one's who do understand don't have the gifting, training or calling to help me! Actually, I'm not sure healthy people who are anything like me exist in this town, because they've all been in the same boat I'm in for all of their lives!

I'm sorry if anyone thinks this is slandering anyone, because I don't think it is. I have given the people involved their due respect. I understand that we just don't connect or understand each other well, and that they are doing the best they can, so please don't take this as slander. I even understand that my husband doesn't understand and doesn't see what the problem is, because he doesn't know or understand anything about boundaries either. There are none in his family of origin really, either. You can't understand what you've never been taught!

Christmas Is Coming!!!!!

I know many of you are probably wondering, at least a little bit, maybe, occasionally, in your busy lives, how my parents have responded to me. And the reason you haven't heard anything is because they haven't. I'm wondering if my mom's even going to buy my kids Christmas presents or if she is going to return the ones she's already gotten and forget about us. I guess I'll find out if she sends Christmas presents or drops them by or something, not that she really has much reason to be going through here anymore. Although, her brother's still live a little ways to the north of us. Her parents are gone now, though, which I mentioned briefly in my last post. I miss having grandparents. No one spoils me anymore :) Of course, I may have just erased the only grandparent my kids had that ever spoiled them, from their lives. Josh's mom hardly ever even buys them anything, let alone come to their events or anything like that and when she does, she doesn't really do anything special for them. I'm sure she would more often if she could. She has a lot of grandchildren, so it's harder for her.

Jeremiah's last basketball game was tonight and my mom never made it up for one of his games. She always makes it a point to come to at least one of his games for whatever season he happens to be in. I think she's done. Of course, there could be other reasons she couldn't come all the way up here for a basketball game. My kids are very excited about establishing new traditions for just our family. Angela, my baker girl (she's been baking like crazy!) is already planning what she's going to do for a birthday cake for Jesus! I was really surprised at how happy they were that we're staying home for Christmas! They told me they have not had fun the last couple of Christmases either, and they just want to spend it with their goofy, fun-loving parents. They don't really care about all the fancy packages and the fancy dinner. If we can't afford to do all that, it's fine with them. I'm thinking of doing it like a real birthday party, complete with streamers, noise makers, and a birthday banner, but of course, with a Christmas tree in the mix, and presents for everyone, even if they are small presents, and stockings!!! Josh informed me he already bought a little something for their stockings. Of course, I can't tell you on here, cause they read my blog :) You'll have to wait, too!

Jeremiah got me the newest Casting Crowns cd. I'd tell you the name of it, but I'd have to get up for that :) Something about a Well. It, of course, has the theme song from the movie Courageous on it, as well as several others that have nearly brought me to tears of gratefulness! I love Casting Crowns music so much! He got this as a pre-Christmas gift. For some reason he's not telling me what he's got coming for me for Christmas :) He got Amazon Gift Cards for the popcorn he sold for Boy Scouts. He's only spent a little of it on himself. The rest he's using to buy Christmas gifts! What an awesome kid, huh?! Angela's planning to do the same with her money from her job cleaning the neighbor's houses. She's also already gotten started. Jeremiah did tell me he has the new Travis Cottrell cd coming for me, but that from his tracking it looks like that one won't be here before Christmas. That's okay. He said he also has something else coming that will be here before Christmas, so I will have at least one surprise package under the tree this year :) After he told me about the Casting Crowns cd, I decided to not ask for hints on any other gifts, cause he's obviously a sucker and I do love surprises!!! And I'm loving that someone in this family obviously speaks my love language :) which is receiving gifts in case you were wondering :) Wow! I've been grinning a lot in this post! I just can't wait for Christmas!!!!!! Well, okay, I haven't done any shopping. I'm still waiting on some money we're supposed to receive, so it can't come toooooo quickly! I have no idea what I'm getting the kids this year!

Oh, and I thought I'd make a correction from a previous post. The book I'm reading is Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud, not Healing Choices. I'm used to Healing Choices because that's the John Baker book used in Celebrate Recovery, or one of the books anyway! I've never actually read it. Just the step study books, which are great also!

Finally Establishing Boundaries With My Family Of Origin

As you all know by now, I am one big, huge, humongous (could I have another adjective please?!) issue!!!! Particularly where boundaries are concerned. I read Boundaries With Teens since I have not been able to get my hands on the original Boundaries book. And to be honest with you I have no idea what the guy is talking about. He just kept talking about teaching your kids boundaries, and I'm like, "What boundaries? Nobody ever taught me about boundaries and I have no idea exactly all the boundaries they need." I'd already set a few without even knowing that's what I was doing, like I recently told a friend that I never go out with an individual guy anywhere other than my husband. She informed me that's a boundary and a good one, that I've established for myself, cause someone suggested I talk to a certain guy over coffee and I said, "Not without someone else going with me I'm not." I realize coffee shops are public and it's not like I would be tempted anyway, but it just looks and feels too much like a "date" to me, so I don't do it. That was an obvious boundary that I hadn't really thought about much, because as a married, Christian woman, it seemed like a no-brainer to me. Obviously shouldn't do that. Maybe not everyone feels that way, I guess. I've made an exception occasionally with my pastor, only because he's like old enough to be my father!!! And he's my pastor for crying out loud! But then, I might feel differently if I had a pastor who was closer to my age. Never really had that experience. They've always been much older, or older enough for me to know I'd never be interested and no one would ever suspect anything.

Anyhoo, I've gone a little off the subject. I've realized that a major area where I haven't established good boundaries or really any boundaries at all is with my family of origin. I had to make yet another very tough decision this week and since this is my first time establishing boundaries in this case, I'm sure I'm going to botch it up, if I haven't already. I just knew I had to do something about Christmas. For the last 2 years, since my grandfather passed away I've gone to Oregon to my parents house for Christmas and allowed my family to push us all around, even to the point of being downright abusive towards me and my children. They love to play with our emotions, making us mad or scared. They think it's funny and it's not! It's cruel. They did this to me my entire life and they do it to my more sensitive kids as well. I don't notice them doing it as much with Jeremiah, but the girls have much more dramatic emotional reactions, especially Angela, so that's really fun for them. They always did this to me, as I was very much like Angela, and also tend to feel things deeply and express emotions very dramatically if I get upset enough. They like that, and like I said, it's cruel and abusive. Last year my older brother even put Angela outside in only a t-shirt and her pajama pants and tried to shut the door on her. He almost got away with it until I threw a hissy fit and insisted that mom make him let her back in. She was terrified! I'd hate to see how far he'd go if someone didn't stop him!!! My dad is very mean and uncaring in the way he talks to everyone and even made a comment when I got upset with him at one point, that he could see why Dave likes to do that. It's fun. Yeah, fun for who? Not me. Not my family. We're done and so yesterday I called my mom and left a message at the house that we're not coming for Christmas and not just because of Chloe's allergies (they live on a ranch and she's allergic to most animals) but because I am not going to take the bullying. That was yesterday mid-morning and I still haven't heard back from them. I'm sure they've called a family meeting to discuss what they're going to do about me. They've always had a problem with me seeking help and I can see why. Anyone could see they are not healthy people and that some changes needed to be made in our home and they would totally mess with their perfect little world, as they see it. I was their guinea pig and nobody was going to mess with that. The problem is I'm not a guinea pig and neither are my children, we're human beings and for the first time in my life I am going to insist that we be treated like human beings.

Random Pictures and Missoula Children's Theatre

UPDATE: Angela's a Leprechaun (I'm going to have to learn how to spell that! I'm sure by Saturday, I will!) I knew she was short and green! I just knew it! It's a speaking role and she's at rehearsals right now! She's so excited! I'm so excited! I hope she doesn't vomit! I know she won't! She'll probably feel like she's going to! Maggie didn't get a speaking role, though! I had to turn the carpool over to Josh, so she's been communicating with him, not me! Josh doesn't want me driving in this weather and I don't want to either! Hopefully, he'll figure out what he needs to do with Maggie! If they have different schedules, I still really want to help them out by running her around later in the evening, so they can get their baby to bed at a decent hour and since they plan on taking both girls to McDonald's every day after school before rehearsals! I feel like it's the least I can do for them! I'm probably going to have to pack some snacks at least for her from the looks of the schedule! Wow! I am crazy, but I think it'll be worth it!

Anyway, when she called me this is how the conversation went, basically:
Angela: Are you on your way here?
Me: No, I was waiting for you to call, cause I understand some of the kids would have rehearsals right after auditions.
Angela: Well, they want us to go home and eat dinner, and then come back by 6:30. (It was already 6 at this time. They can't be serious! My mom told me later, they are! It's an insane schedule! Like I said, snacks are going to be necessary!)
Me: I guess you got a part then? (Not that I was surprised!)
Angela: Yeah, I'm a Leprechaun, and I have lines and everything! (She sounded shocked. I wasn't.) Maggie got a part, too, but she doesn't have lines. (Me thinking: great, they probably have totally different schedules.)
Me: So, do I need to get Maggie or is she staying, too?
Angela: I don't know. I'll find out. I gotta go. Bye. *click*

Okay, I obviously am not remembering exactly how that conversation went, cause somewhere in there we talked about how dad doesn't want me driving in this weather and I need to call him and tell him that you have rehearsals at 6:30. Josh's response was exactly what you'd expect. "They want us to pick her up, just to take her back in half an hour. Why? I'll just have her hang out there until rehearsals." I tried to tell him that he needs to figure out what Maggie's doing and what we need to do with her. I hope he got that all figured out. I'm sure I'll hear from her dad soon enough if he didn't. I sent our family go phone with Angela today, figuring it was going to be crazy and I wouldn't really know just how crazy until they got their roles and my instructions. Oh, boy! Yep! It's official! I'm insane! How much do I love my drama loving daughter!!!!

Anyway, for those of you who live in Moscow, Idaho or nearby the performances are at 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. at the high school auditorium! It's 6 dollars for adults and 4 dollars for students and children. You can get tickets at BookPeople or just pay at the door! Let me know if you're coming! I know she would love to have you there! Oh, yeah! It's this coming Saturday! That's why the insane schedule! They only have a week to rehearse!

Just some random pictures I found on my computer. I'm waiting for news from my daughter who is at auditions for the Missoula Children's Theatre right now. Her best friend's dad picked them up from school and took them to McDonald's and to the auditions. I'm supposed to pick them up, so I'll find out soon, I hope. My stomach is in knots. I know how much this means to Angela. She's wanted to be an actress since she was a little girl. She's going to have to call me and let me know when to pick them up, cause I understand that the lead roles start rehearsing tonight! And of course, as crazy as I am, I'm praying for a lead role, because I know how much she loves the spotlight. Please pray that Maggie gets a part, too. If she doesn't I'll be on my own this week. Of course, I'm not even considering the possibility that Angela might not even get a part! Don't mess with me on this!!! If they do both get parts, please pray they get in the same group of actors, cause I understand some of them will have different rehearsal times. That would make this carpool thing really complicated if they have different rehearsal times. Oh, boy! I think Holly and I are crazy letting them do this! They've both begged and begged for a week, though! They really, really wanted to! I've been thinking about you a lot, Jenny, and thinking that maybe my little girl needs this as much as you did! I certainly wouldn't want to deny her the opportunity, if she needs it, just because it's going to be a lot more work this week! Angela must have taken this one. Funny girl!

More Pictures From Locomotive Park

Okay, so at the Locomotive Park they always have this dance mat, and when you step on certain spots, certain lights come on. The kids absolutely LOVE the dance mat! So the next few are me and the kids dancing (or attempting to dance) on the dance mat.

This is me trying to dance. It's disturbing, I know!
This is a new dance style, I guess, where you pretend to fight, but you're not really fighting. They never actually hit each other. At least not during this dance! I promise you they have been known to hit each other!!!! Sorry to ruin your image of my kids if you thought all this time that they are non-violent!
She is adorable! No, you can't have her! She's mine! By the way, that hat is a panda bear. It came with her "I love animals" shirt and she loves it. Papa kept asking her when she'd go outside if she remembered to put her ears on. I continued the tradition when we got home until it got too warm for her "ears." She always smiled! She loves it!

I don't know what Chloe and I are looking at, but it must be interesting. We seem to be studying it like art critics or something! LOL
Wow! It must be really cool!!!! The art critic is impressed! And someone needs to fix her glasses! They seem to be falling off her face! She has this problem a lot! I always did, too. Those tiny button noses are a blessing until you need them to hold your glasses up!
Well, Jeremiah finds something fascinating!

Angela loves to dance, and this is the "fireplace" they have outside by the dance mat. It's really cool!! Well, actually it's quite warm! It does give off heat, but I don't think the "flames" are real. Although, who knows maybe they are. They're set way back from that screen that you see.


All of those colorful bricks that you see on a lot of these pictures were individually handpainted by people, mostly kids! They're really cool! Some people got several bricks and painted a larger picture! They're really neat! I wish I could take some pictures of some of them close up for you! There're so many of them you could never see them all in one visit!

More Fun From Christmas

We went to see the lights in Lewiston at Locomotive Park on Christmas Day.

This was also a display at the light show in Lewiston. Designed specifically for families to do this!


I did something weird to this picture on accident while moving pictures and couldn't get it fixed all the way. Trust me, it's a lot better than it was :)

Anatone is a town we go through on the way to and from Joseph and I've always wanted to take a picture of this to show the world. So my sweet husband stopped so we could do this.


Another picture of the landscape on the way out of Wallowa County.

My Home And My Brother's Girlfriend

Here are some more pictures of the beautiful scenery where I grew up.

And another one of my brother's girlfriend. I think she's really cute.

More Family At Christmas Time (And One Who Will Hopefully Become A Member Of The Family)

This is my brother, Adam's, new girlfriend. Hopefully he'll keep this one. Of course, that's always the hope, right? I like her. I only got to talk to her for a few minutes, but she seemed really nice. I think she was a little overwhelmed by me, but then who isn't. I have a pretty intense personality and I'm not exactly what you'd call shy. And this is my brother, Adam. Yes, I know. I know. The good looks run in the family. We can't help it.

And now for a few pictures of what I saw when I woke up every morning growing up. Or, every afternoon depending on what day it was and what stage of life I was in and what I might or might not have been doing the night before. 'Nough said.

And this one is my brother, Dave, carrying my daughter, Angela. Angela thought this was fun and she giggled a lot. Shortly after this, though, he decided to take her and put her outside in the snow and shut the door on her. She didn't like that so much. That's my brother for ya. He'll pick them up and throw them over his shoulder and they'll be having so much fun, but that's not good enough. He has to take it to the next level and make you mad. He isn't happy until he pisses you off. Anybody else have these types of people in their family?

This is my mom. Not the best picture of her, but she loves it so much when we take pictures of her when she's not paying attention :) (I'm being sarcastic. She hates it. That's why we do it :)

I finally convinced my son to put the gun down and let me take his picture! It took some convincing, believe me! You would not believe the sermon I had to preach to get this picture!

More PIctures And Counseling

This is my son not wanting to have his picture taken: GRRR! This is my darling daughter, Chloe.

This is my brother Dave with my darling daughter, Chloe.

This is Angela with her new peace sign hat she got for Christmas.

My Uncle Jeff sleeping next to brother Dave. They kind of look alike, don't you think?

A very handsome man with his tongue sticking out. Has anyone else noticed how often he does that?

Me and my sister-in-law, Sheila, decided to take pictures of each other taking pictures of each other! LOL

On a more personal note, it seems that Josh and Pastor Kim have decided without consulting me really, that Josh and I need marriage counseling. I wish he'd figure out that I don't need marriage counseling. I don't have a problem with Josh, I have a problem with me. I need personal, individual, FEMALE counseling. A healthy marriage starts with two healthy individuals. One of those individuals is not healthy: me. I think I tend to lash out at Josh, because when I get angry at myself I want to kill myself. That's a little hard to live with (no pun intended), so I lash out at the most convenient, nearby person. It's really me I hate, not him. I had a problem with me since long before there was ever an us.