Goodbye,Moscow! We'll Soon Be Saying Helllllllooooo Spokane!!!

Well, I thought I'd say goodbye for a few days. I'm going to miss all of you and just miss blogging! I love it! But I need to get offline and get down to business taking care of all of the things I should have been doing all week!!! They're turning my internet off....Ummmm...well, today now. I'm not sure when, but we have an appointment to get our internet hooked up in Spokane on the 13th, so it should only be a short time, but I've never done this moving thing before with an entire family moving out of a house, so I can't predict when I'll actually get back on here. I'll try to take lots of pictures to show you some of the things that will be part of this experience. Maybe even some pictures with some of my favorite people that I'm going to miss so much here in Moscow! Some are coming to help us move, so that'll be great! I know of at least one family that will be here and I understand Josh's brother-in-law, Danny, will be here helping for sure, and I have no idea who from Real Life will show up, but it should be exciting! Goodbye until at least Tuesday most likely!

The Pain Is Too Much

Well, it's been quite a week. Yes, I've allowed Angela to live. I'm sure you're all happy to know that. And I'm pretty sure you all knew that I would. Still frustrated, still fighting with her often, still trying to convince her that, yes, sometimes life is hard, but you got to do what you got to do, and if it requires you to work a little harder than you were hoping to have to.....ummm,sorry, we've all been there. You're just going to have to work that much harder. What really sucked is, this week is Missoula Children's Theatre, and yes, we did decide that she has been working very hard to try to get her grades up, and yes, she could do MCT. For crying out loud it only comes once a year! It was going to break my heart to have to tell her no and I'm not sure I could've done. So, obviously, that's not the part that sucks. When she came home yesterday evening I expected her to be in a rush to get fed to get back to rehearsals. She wasn't in a hurry at all. In fact, she'd already been to Wendy's with our friend, Holly, and her daughter (Angela's friend) Maggie, who she did the tryouts with and carpooled with last year as well. Turns out the reason Holly took them to Wendy's is she picked up two heartbroken little girls from tryouts. Neither of them got a part. I guess they had some very young, college age girls running the tryouts. They didn't pick most of the people who were in the play last year, even those, like my daughter, who had leading rolls last year. Being the stubborn, hard-headed child that she is, Angela made it a point to give them a piece of her mind, which as you know, can get pretty ugly. She wasn't happy because she said they laughed at her. I wasn't happy either, and when she told me some of the other very talented kids that didn't get parts (who I've worked with in the past volunteering at the school) who've ALWAYS gotten parts in the past, I was shocked. I told her not to worry to much about it, because obviously this particular group, unlike the group last year, doesn't know talent when they see it! I don't want to hear any talk about how I might be biased, but I'm going to tell you right now, that besides my own daughter, I know a few other very talented little girls who will not be in the MCT production here in Moscow this year. I also know of at least one, who will be, who I would've never picked in a million years...just sayin....and there I might be a bit biased too, because this little girl isn't very nice to my little girl :) Do you ever find that interesting, how you can absolutely despise an 11 year old child, because they don't like your kid? I distinctly remember the first time that I discovered that I have retractable claws and fangs that I have absolutely no control over. They instantly appear the moment I sense that one of my children is being threatened in any way!!! It didn't surprise me that I was very protective of them with adults that I sensed didn't like them, but the first time my five year old boy came from home from kindergarten in tears and I had an almostly overwhelming urge to kill another child with my bare hands (you will be happy that I reminded myself that I can't protect him from prison, so I resisted) I was in total shock! How does this happen?! All I have to say is if you're in my presence and you say anything derogatory about or towards one of my children, I am not responsible for what might happen to you! I have no control. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Now, onto another topic. Alcoholism! It continues to prove itself to me that I'm not cured and probably never will be. I still want to run for that bottle anytime I'm upset, stressed, angry, whatever. I've had a lot of stuff stirred up in me through reading Beth Moore's sister, Gay's, story on the LPM blog. She has helped me to see that alcoholism really is an incurable disease that I cannot control. Thankfully I know someOne who can :) Not that that keeps me from struggling. Between that, my own desire to seem genuine, the stress of moving, the loneliness of not having an accountability team where I'm at right now and not knowing how long it will take to get that established in Spokane, and just plain not having anyone safe to talk to about all this stuff one on one, plus Changes That Heal, plus Breaking Free, is stirring up so much pain from my life that I have not dealt with, that it is absolutely making me want to run straight for the bottle. Why that? Why not cheesecake? Why not ice cream? Why alcohol? Well, too be honest with you, as great as those things are, they just don't have the power to anesthetize the pain that alcohol does, and being a rule follower, I don't like to break the law, so illegal drugs are not an option. I want alcohol and I want it now. What's really making me mad is I have to walk to go get it. I don't have a car, and my husband's being a real pain, telling me I don't need it. What is up with that! And to be honest with you, some of the pain that's been stirring up, relates to him, too. He's ignored some things, chosen not to set boundaries, where I think he should. I feel unprotected and I feel my children are unprotected by him, so I'm a little irritated with him. For not understanding, even though I understand it's hard to understand me. It's hard even for other alcoholics to understand me. I'm kind of weird, you know. I'm more of afraid of getting caught than anything else. I don't want any of the people from AA or CR to see me with alcohol! I honestly don't care if I drink. I know that's terrible. I wish nobody cared. I wish I had never told anyone how much I love to drink so I could just drink and everybody would leave me alone. I feel like a fake, cause I've been dry, but not really sober. I want to drink. I want to throw in the towel and say who cares? I want to for so many reasons I can't share here! But I've been dry for 18 months outside of any recovery program. I don't have a counselor. I don't have a sponsor. I don't have any accountability partners. I've tried to establish those in the past, but no one's been consistent with me. I know one who would have been, but I don't think she really gets it. She's not an alcoholic, she didn't grow up in an abusive home, she has never, that I'm aware of, been physically or sexually abused. She has no idea what that's like. I need someone who has a clue about these things and is completely non-judgmental, totally accepting of me right where I'm at, and will love me no matter what. Even if I screw up sometimes. Even if I screw up a lot. Cause to be honest with you, telling me how I should feel or what I should think has not helped me. If I could do that, just instantly change how I think and how I feel without talking through things, I'd have done it a long time ago! I know God's Word. That's the frustrating thing. I'm in it daily! I've been in it fairly consistently all of my believing life, which is almost 17 years!!! What I'm wanting to do is have one last binge and then go to a meeting, cause then it feels real! Right now it doesn't feel real at all. Nothing about me feels real. I don't seem like a genuine alcoholic. I never drank enough, consistently enough. I don't feel like a real Christian, cause I'm obsessing over things I know are wrong. I don't even feel like a real abuse victim, because others have been abused much more violently than I have. So, my parents said some mean things to me and they didn't give me the love I needed. They didn't listen to me or care how I felt. Yeah, my dad hit me sometimes, but never with a closed fists and never left a mark on me. At least not that I ever noticed. I was kinda trying to hard to avoid him and just about everyone else who might hurt me, to notice. And yeah, I was sexually assaulted, but I was never all out raped. What am I whining about anyway. Get over it, Shellie. It's not that bad....and yet, that doesn't work for me. I hurt. I feel neglected. I feel abused. I'm scared of people. I'm afraid that they're going to tell me my parents were right. I am hopeless. I am stupid. I can't do anything right. And I've sort of gotten that, maybe not in those exact words, from people who were supposed to help me. People who were supposed to love me. That I can't really have a relationship with God and know what I'm hearing from Him, because I'm not smart enough. I can't know my own heart, cause I'm not smart enough, so I can't possibly know what He's calling me to do. I can't know these things for myself. I need others to tell me what to do. I need to stop caring what I do or what kind of things I'm interested in. I'm not supposed to have interests. I'm not supposed to have desires for my own life. I'm supposed to stay home and only care for my family and do what my husband tells me to do. And, oh, my gosh, how dare he suggest I think about what I want! I'm not supposed to want anything! I'm not supposed to be my own person! I feel guilty for liking to write. I feel guilty for wanting friends. I feel guilty for wanting help! Why should I feel guilty about these things? Because others have told me they're sins. Others have told me I can't have desires apart from caring for my family. Others have told me I don't deserve better. After all, I deserve what Jesus got, and I get that, but I NEED more than that. And I think God understands that, which is why he let Jesus take my punishment so I wouldn't have to. So, all I'm asking is that people quit hurting me. I'm tired of being hurt. Is that too much to ask? I wish somebody would just hug me and tell me it's okay to hurt, that it's okay to cry and let me cry on their shoulder, maybe, just a little. And tell me that they're sorry that all that stuff happened to me, instead of just telling me to get over it. If I could I would, but it's not that simple. Very few people seem to understand that and they're not in a place where they're able to spend time with me and help me. Also, I know that I have this anxiety issue that causes me to choke up and not be able to speak. I'm terrified of people. I'm terrified to tell them of my pain. To be really real with them. I'm not sure I can, but I need to. And I need someone who understands that too, someone who has the time and the patience to sit there and wait until I figure out what words I can used to describe what I'm going through, and wait also, for me to get up the nerve to say what's going through my head, out loud. That's going to take a very patient person. I'm not sure such a person exists. Cause I'm scared of all of you. I may not seem like it in person, but notice how personal, how real I get with you? Not very. I'm scared how you'll react to the real me when I'm right in front of you.

How God Uses Writing To Help Me On My Journey

You know what I love?! Well, anyone who reads this blog, because I adore "talking" which is only fun if someone is "listening" and it just pleases me so much that anyone would want to "listen" to all of my rambling!:) BUT, what I really love is how God uses something I thought was meant to minister to someone else to minister to ME!!! I was told almost a year ago that I should write a book after telling a funny story about something one of my kids had done or I had done or whatever! I don't remember what the story was about, just that it was funny. (I love funny!) I told this friend that I already had written a book that I was then doing more research on and rewriting. I told her "It's a devotional book written from my study of 1 Corinthians."

She said, "No, that's not the book you should be writing. You should write a book about your life."

I replied, incredulously, "My life! Why write a book about my life? Nobody would want to read that! My life is boring!"

She said, "Uhhhhhhh, nooooo, it's not. You're life is fascinating, the things you've experienced, the things your kids say and do. You are always telling funny stories that actually have happened in your life, just like that one. You should write a book telling all those funny stories and other stories from your life of things you've experienced that may not be funny but they're interesting."

I had always been afraid to write my life story, though I'd thought about it, and been told that I should before. Not because of anything positive in my life, but because of my pain. People thought, as much as I love to write, that maybe writing it would be healing for me and possibly someday be able to help someone else. I was waiting for the healing I'd been desperately seeking to occur before I did that, but I decided then that I would put my 1 Corinthians project aside and began writing about my life. Yes, I was still in a lot of pain, but just cause I wrote it didn't mean I had to let anyone else read it! I could just hang onto, possibly editting it later to shine a more positive light on all that had happened to me. So, I began at the beginning talking about my birth, and all of the drama surrounding that. (Yes, it's dramatic when you enter the world with a cataract over your left eye and blind in that eye, and having glaucoma!) I asked God to show me what He wanted me to write. What stories I needed to tell. I've found out that even in those early years of hospital stays and abuse, that my life wasn't just painful. I remembered some really fun and interesting things, like my first horse show when I was five years old where I won a blue ribbon :) It HAS been incredibly healing for me, but not just because I'm "getting out" all the old baggage that has hurt me for years, though, consciously, I try not to even think about it and am usually successful, but this never-ending ache continues on. I'm not saying I don't still hurt; that I don't still need help from God and others to deal with the painful things. It's just neat to see all of the wonderful experiences i had mixed in with that. It's a relief to know that God had good things in my life, even then, when I didn't know Him and didn't want to. He was there even when I rejected Him. He was there in the time I spent with the horses and other animals on the farm. He was there in the times I did participate in sports and not do a sickeningly horrible job. He was there, keeping me sane through it all. He gave me people every now and again who were nice to me and he gave me people who were fun and wanted to have fun with me. No, I didn't have anyone I could call a close friend. I never learned how to talk things through, something I'm still learning; how to share my pain. I'm still not good at it and it feels awkward and weird and the words never come out right. I wish people understood more. I wish I understood more. But God let me have some fun, even while most of the authority figures in my life were only hurting me. I'm still scared to talk about that things that hurt, cause so many have used those very things against me. People I should have been able to trust. I already had trust issues and then they added more. I'm struggling right now and have hardly slept in days. I can feel the bags under my eyes, and they're burning as I toss and turn at night with all the memories that I can't quite come to terms with. I'm so tired and my head hurts. I threw out my neck and apparently hips and back at some point last week, so at times I can't even move my head without excruciating pain. I went to the chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment since I could hardly turn my head at all. It still hurt after he adjusted me and I still didn't have full range of motion. I'm almost back to full range today, but will need to go back in again tomorrow to get adjusted again. So, yes, I'm struggling, but God is so good to me and has helped me remember the good times, too! He's used an old "friend" from my growing up years to help with that. I love her so much and wish we could spend time together in person, but she lives in another town and we both have very busy lives, each with three kids and a husband, and she is a working mom, which I can't even imagine the pressure of! Yet, she stays so positive even when she sometimes gets overwhelmed. Don't we all! Love you, Jenny! And I'm just so glad for all the good that I see in my life!!! God is good and He will and most likely, IS healing me, even if I can't see it right now.

This Is Probably What Happens To Your Brain When You're Moving?

I was going to go ahead and write another blog post (making up for lost time :)), but with all of the kids having dinner and doing homework and all that jazz, my brain sort of went poof! I can't even remember what I was going to write about! I have had so many things on my mind the last few weeks that I've thought, "That would make a great blog post!" You know, if I could stop in the middle of life and write down what I was thinking in that moment and actually be able to find my notes later (cause actually have from time to time) I could write some brilliant blog posts and you all would be impressed and tell your editors (if you have those) and I'd be talking to them about now about possible topics for my next book! (You know....after the one I haven't finished yet :)) ................


Oh.....sorry, you're still there! Coming back to earth! I was just at a book signing in New York City....I'm back now! See, here's the problem with that scenario! As much as I love writing, I'm not very disciplined, live in a small house (probably still will live in a small house in Spokane) and have 3 kids, a cat, and a husband, not in that order. I got the husband first actually. I know, shocking, right?! Does that still happen? I probably should have been the poster child for ADD, so, easily distracted? Forgetful? Yes, all that stuff. And three kids with three very loud and individual personalities makes for a crazy, busy life! And like I said, if I had time to take notes in the middle of the craziness that happens in our house......

I've been told by many who've stopped by to visit in the last year that I should just set up a video camera in a corner somewhere where it won't really be noticed and just video tape our family doing our normal everday activities and start sending them to America's Funniest Home Videos. We'd be millionaires in no time! One of Jeremiah's friend that I used to give rides from basketball and wrestling practice for all the time (before my car died and then we sold it) said he never could wait for the car ride home, cause something funny always happens when I give him a ride. We made him laugh all the way home. It's good to know we have talents!:) Hey, maybe we should video tape us and send it to NBC! It's got to be at least as good as anything they have on now!!!

Anyway, actually, I was going to tell you some of my thoughts while packing and cleaning (not all of them! Some of them were disturbing :)) For one thing, I had no idea you could fit this much stuff in a 66 foot trailer before! You probably can't, but I have a knack for stacking things from the floor to the ceiling! (Not really, but you get the idea.) Also, cleanliness and organization are not in my vocabulary! Could someone explain to me what those mean?! I have found things I didn't even know I owned, and now I don't remember what they were! I do remember thinking, "If I didn't know I owned this I probably don't need it, so I should put it with the stuff going to the Hope Center." But then I thought, "Yeah, but I sure could've used this if I'd known I had it and I can't definitely see where it could be useful again." I also have found things I've been looking for for years!!! I haven't found Chloe's glasses that she lost last fall, though, which I was really hoping would happen! It could still. I've actually barely done anything! It's kind of sad really! I need to get down to business, but it just is so boring! You know, until you found that thing you didn't know you had and wonder where it actually came from.......Hmmmm, never mind. I raised three kids in this house! One from 3 to 13! I probably don't want to know!!!! Some questions are just best left unasked. See, not very disciplined. It's way more fun playing with the kids. Oh, well, that's all I have for now, since having to help Chloe with multiplication has officially fried my brain!

How come no one told me I'd have to do third grade all over again....3 more times.....and all three times I'd fail? I passed the first time!!! What's the deal?! Oh, yeah, my teachers just wanted rid of me. I actually sucked at math then, too!!! I remember now!

Random Babbling From Shellie

Wow! Three weeks!!!! Seriously! No wonder I've been posting ridiculously long comments on other people's blogs!!!! I've been basically writing blog posts of my own on...well....okay, Beth Moore's blog, since her's is the only one I go directly, too, without going to my blogger account first! Ha! Anyway, I had to laugh as I read some of my previous posts to catch myself up on what I had written (now that is when you KNOW it's been too long!) Anyway, yes, clearly the writer in me is STARVING!!! I might as well, except it, I'm a writer to the core of my being whether I ever choose to publish anything or not!! I just love to write, and I love the much more safe interaction of all of you not being in front of me. And my nerves just don't get in the way as much when I'm writing as when I'm with people in person. I seriously have full on anxiety attacks when I'm with others and they want to know about my personal life and my relationship with God (which is VERY personal!). You just usually can't tell because I'm very good at hiding it. Probably a skill I learned through years of public speaking growing up, which scares me to death by the way, even though people always told me I always looked so confident, especially with a microphone in my hand! Ha! If they could only look closer and see the racing heart and sweaty hands and feeling like I can't breathe. Okay, that one is new. It feels a little like an elephant is sitting on my chest and it happens regularly now!!! Yes, my chest gets very tight! I break out in a cold sweat! It's awful!

Okay, back to what I was saying about laughing (told you, highly unorganized). I'm laughing because of how much it shows how upset I get when I can't see what God is doing! I was talking about living here until my kids graduate!!! Ha! We're out of here next month! I kid you not! My husband got offered a promotion and he accepted! I never thought he'd accept a promotion until the kids were all out of school! But he did! Mostly because he started realizing, more and more, that I need HELP! And it's not going to happen as long as I live here! We're moving to Spokane, Washington, which was where the closest counselors I could find are! I was a little disappointed, because I'd finally convinced my husband to go to Real Life and now we're leaving, but they have to church plants in Spokane! And, honestly, if they didn't, I think we'd be willing to drive to Post Falls to be around loving, forgiving, gracious people who truly care! The original Real Life Ministries is in Post Falls. I'm pretty sure that's the original. I know it's the one I first knew about! I've wanted to be a part of Real Life ever since I first heard about them! They seemed like everything a church should be according to the Word of God! (Whoa! What a concept!) and when I first heard that they were coming to Moscow I was ecstatic! Just took me this long to convince my husband that's the place to be! As I understand it, they're all basically the same as far as the attitudes and hearts of the people. I'm sure they do different things depending on the needs of the people where they're at. Anyway, Jeremiah and the pastor's s0n, Caleb, between church, youth group, and school, even being on the same sports teams, have become the best of friends....and now we're moving! Thank God for facebook! That's all I have to say. And Caleb pointed out on Sunday, that Spokane's not THAT far away! It's not like they won't be up there and we won't be back here every now and again. They'll most likely still be able to see each other once in awhile other than on facebook. We do still have family in the area after all, and I'm sure we can squeeze in some friend time in all the family craziness during holidays and vacations. It will help us keep our sanity anyway, cause as much as we love family, too much time spent with ANYONE can drive you a little crazy after a while, right?! Much needed escapes are good for all involved, so we don't end up hating each other and never speaking again! Josh and I came up with a good rule of thumb. No more than 3 days spent at any relatives house. After the third day, we've observed, everybody (not just us) gets a little cranky with each other! It's a little different with friends I would imagine. You don't know each other in the same way, so you can't get in each other's business quite as painfully, plus you pick your friends based on what you like, you don't pick your family, so you get all kinds of personality conflicts mixed up in there! If you have a personality conflict with a friend, generally speaking, you just don't end up being good friends who hang out much. You don't have that option with family. So, anyway, this is a totally random post, and I think I've made the decision that I'm going to do a little more editting on here from now on, although that will mean fewer posts. Obviously, this post is the exception, being the one I'm telling you this on. It still won't be a lot of editting and it will be mostly based on my mood. If I'm in a fairly positive mood, I'll probably just go ahead and post what I wrote without editting, because there's probably not anything in there that I will regret posting later. Or at least, a little bit. Rarely do I regret it enough to delete it. Anyway, mostly when I'm feeling negative, and that doesn't mean there won't ever be anything negative on here, since depression and anxiety are huge issues in my life, but probably a little toned down and saved to be editted later, so by the time it gets to your eyes it will be more of an explanation of the frame of mind I was in than a barrage of my emotional baggage (I think that's the word I'm looking for.) Anyway, it's like only an hour until lunch time and I haven't even had breakfast yet! So.....I'm out!!!!

Major Failure

Well, I'm feeling much better today (not real good, but better) because I've finally decided once and for all not to ever get a job outside the home. Don't even bug me about it. I went to my husband's office this afternoon to help him with his busy work, secretary kind of stuff. He had me putting labels on envelopes and organizing them to where you could easily put the right letters into the envelopes that correspond with the names without hunting for them. I totally messed up the organization part of that, because I can't keep enough information inside my head at one time to do that kind of thing. It's not that I'm disobedient. I just can't keep simple instructions straight in my brain long enough to do a task. I actually didn't understand the instructions very well, which were quite simple really and I could see what I did wrong after I messed it up and yet not well enough to do it right if I had to do it again. I'd probably mess it up at least 5 times before I got it right. I do the same thing organizing things at home. I have to redo it 5 or 6 times before I get it right, which is why not much gets done at my house. He had to reorganize everything. He said it was fine, but of course he did, cause he's my husband and I was just volunteering. He's not paying me or anything. These are the sorts of things employers always got frustrated with me over and it's why I'm not employable. Both my daughters and my son are just going to have to get used to people thinking they're strange cause they have this messed up mother who can't do things that "normal" mothers can, and she doesn't work as a result, so they're poor people with a mother who sits around at home on her lazy ass, or excuse me, rear end. That's how people are always going to think of me and somehow I have to get to a place where I'm okay with it and so are my kids. I have to accept what I cannot change, as the serenity prayer says, even though most people, even people involved with recovery, are going to think this is something I can change. I can't. I've tried and only gotten yelled at. No one has the patience in our culture to deal with someone like me. Employers in America expect people to be able to think on their feet and make split decisions without help, and I can't do that. They expect people to be able to do simple tasks right the first time. I can't seem to do that. I'll think I can do that. It isn't even a matter of confidence. I went in to Josh's office today very sure that I could do this simple thing that he was asking me to do, so it wasn't that I already believed I would fail, so I did. It's the kind of task I figured I could do without a problem. It's the type of thing I would mostly be doing at the jobs I was applying for, which is why I was applying for those types of jobs. I figured those simple tasks I could manage. It's why I thought I could work retail. I could run a cash register and make change, no problem, and I like people, so I could be friendly and courteous with them, but I was reminded today by my mistake that this is the sort of thing that happens all the time. I'm just used to it at home and everyone else in my home has adjusted to the lack of organization, so I forget that this is why I am where I am. I was reminded so now I know that I have to stay at home where I'm safe and won't be criticized for doing things wrong all the time. I won't be constantly torn down. I'm a decent mother. My kids feel loved and are fairly well disciplined for the most part, so I can do that and that's going to have to be good enough for the people around me. If it's not I'm going to have to learn to accept that that's their problem and not mine. That's the part I'm not sure I'll ever get used to. I think I'll always be sad, because I'm so disappointed in myself, cause I thought I could be better than I am. I thought I could be what others call normal. I'm going to have to get used to the misunderstanding and rude comments about how lazy I am and how I'm not serving my family as I should. I really don't think I can do that. I feel like a failure.

I couldn't help but laugh when someone on facebook commented that I didn't think I could drive before either and now I'm a better driver than she is. That was hilarious, because I'm not! It took me years to get down the basic skills of driving, where most people it only takes a few months or even weeks, to be able to take the driver's test, and I still can't parallel park or drive a stick shift. I have a hard time remembering to look in my rearview mirror or check everyplace where there might be other cars coming to check for traffic. I have a hard time judging how much space I have to pull out when parking and as a result do a lot of backing up and pulling back forward to get out of parking spaces, frustrating other drivers that are waiting for me to pull out. I'm the biggest cause of road rage in Idaho. Or more like parking lot rage. I've had so many fender benders that at one point my insurance was dropped. Every fender bender I've been in was entirely my fault. My husband won't let me drive his car, as a result, cause he needs a nice looking vehicle, not one that's all dented up, for the work that he does. Most of my fender benders have not involved another driver, so we haven't even bothered reporting them. I've backed into poles and scraped my car on the poles marking the edge of the gas pumps at gas stations. Good thing they have those there. I'd probly take out the pumps!!! They probably have those there because of crazy people like me, who shouldn't ever be given driver's licenses and turned loose out on the streets. Just a little glimpse into this hopeless loser's life.

Christmas Is Coming!!!!!

I know many of you are probably wondering, at least a little bit, maybe, occasionally, in your busy lives, how my parents have responded to me. And the reason you haven't heard anything is because they haven't. I'm wondering if my mom's even going to buy my kids Christmas presents or if she is going to return the ones she's already gotten and forget about us. I guess I'll find out if she sends Christmas presents or drops them by or something, not that she really has much reason to be going through here anymore. Although, her brother's still live a little ways to the north of us. Her parents are gone now, though, which I mentioned briefly in my last post. I miss having grandparents. No one spoils me anymore :) Of course, I may have just erased the only grandparent my kids had that ever spoiled them, from their lives. Josh's mom hardly ever even buys them anything, let alone come to their events or anything like that and when she does, she doesn't really do anything special for them. I'm sure she would more often if she could. She has a lot of grandchildren, so it's harder for her.

Jeremiah's last basketball game was tonight and my mom never made it up for one of his games. She always makes it a point to come to at least one of his games for whatever season he happens to be in. I think she's done. Of course, there could be other reasons she couldn't come all the way up here for a basketball game. My kids are very excited about establishing new traditions for just our family. Angela, my baker girl (she's been baking like crazy!) is already planning what she's going to do for a birthday cake for Jesus! I was really surprised at how happy they were that we're staying home for Christmas! They told me they have not had fun the last couple of Christmases either, and they just want to spend it with their goofy, fun-loving parents. They don't really care about all the fancy packages and the fancy dinner. If we can't afford to do all that, it's fine with them. I'm thinking of doing it like a real birthday party, complete with streamers, noise makers, and a birthday banner, but of course, with a Christmas tree in the mix, and presents for everyone, even if they are small presents, and stockings!!! Josh informed me he already bought a little something for their stockings. Of course, I can't tell you on here, cause they read my blog :) You'll have to wait, too!

Jeremiah got me the newest Casting Crowns cd. I'd tell you the name of it, but I'd have to get up for that :) Something about a Well. It, of course, has the theme song from the movie Courageous on it, as well as several others that have nearly brought me to tears of gratefulness! I love Casting Crowns music so much! He got this as a pre-Christmas gift. For some reason he's not telling me what he's got coming for me for Christmas :) He got Amazon Gift Cards for the popcorn he sold for Boy Scouts. He's only spent a little of it on himself. The rest he's using to buy Christmas gifts! What an awesome kid, huh?! Angela's planning to do the same with her money from her job cleaning the neighbor's houses. She's also already gotten started. Jeremiah did tell me he has the new Travis Cottrell cd coming for me, but that from his tracking it looks like that one won't be here before Christmas. That's okay. He said he also has something else coming that will be here before Christmas, so I will have at least one surprise package under the tree this year :) After he told me about the Casting Crowns cd, I decided to not ask for hints on any other gifts, cause he's obviously a sucker and I do love surprises!!! And I'm loving that someone in this family obviously speaks my love language :) which is receiving gifts in case you were wondering :) Wow! I've been grinning a lot in this post! I just can't wait for Christmas!!!!!! Well, okay, I haven't done any shopping. I'm still waiting on some money we're supposed to receive, so it can't come toooooo quickly! I have no idea what I'm getting the kids this year!

Oh, and I thought I'd make a correction from a previous post. The book I'm reading is Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud, not Healing Choices. I'm used to Healing Choices because that's the John Baker book used in Celebrate Recovery, or one of the books anyway! I've never actually read it. Just the step study books, which are great also!

Finally Establishing Boundaries With My Family Of Origin

As you all know by now, I am one big, huge, humongous (could I have another adjective please?!) issue!!!! Particularly where boundaries are concerned. I read Boundaries With Teens since I have not been able to get my hands on the original Boundaries book. And to be honest with you I have no idea what the guy is talking about. He just kept talking about teaching your kids boundaries, and I'm like, "What boundaries? Nobody ever taught me about boundaries and I have no idea exactly all the boundaries they need." I'd already set a few without even knowing that's what I was doing, like I recently told a friend that I never go out with an individual guy anywhere other than my husband. She informed me that's a boundary and a good one, that I've established for myself, cause someone suggested I talk to a certain guy over coffee and I said, "Not without someone else going with me I'm not." I realize coffee shops are public and it's not like I would be tempted anyway, but it just looks and feels too much like a "date" to me, so I don't do it. That was an obvious boundary that I hadn't really thought about much, because as a married, Christian woman, it seemed like a no-brainer to me. Obviously shouldn't do that. Maybe not everyone feels that way, I guess. I've made an exception occasionally with my pastor, only because he's like old enough to be my father!!! And he's my pastor for crying out loud! But then, I might feel differently if I had a pastor who was closer to my age. Never really had that experience. They've always been much older, or older enough for me to know I'd never be interested and no one would ever suspect anything.

Anyhoo, I've gone a little off the subject. I've realized that a major area where I haven't established good boundaries or really any boundaries at all is with my family of origin. I had to make yet another very tough decision this week and since this is my first time establishing boundaries in this case, I'm sure I'm going to botch it up, if I haven't already. I just knew I had to do something about Christmas. For the last 2 years, since my grandfather passed away I've gone to Oregon to my parents house for Christmas and allowed my family to push us all around, even to the point of being downright abusive towards me and my children. They love to play with our emotions, making us mad or scared. They think it's funny and it's not! It's cruel. They did this to me my entire life and they do it to my more sensitive kids as well. I don't notice them doing it as much with Jeremiah, but the girls have much more dramatic emotional reactions, especially Angela, so that's really fun for them. They always did this to me, as I was very much like Angela, and also tend to feel things deeply and express emotions very dramatically if I get upset enough. They like that, and like I said, it's cruel and abusive. Last year my older brother even put Angela outside in only a t-shirt and her pajama pants and tried to shut the door on her. He almost got away with it until I threw a hissy fit and insisted that mom make him let her back in. She was terrified! I'd hate to see how far he'd go if someone didn't stop him!!! My dad is very mean and uncaring in the way he talks to everyone and even made a comment when I got upset with him at one point, that he could see why Dave likes to do that. It's fun. Yeah, fun for who? Not me. Not my family. We're done and so yesterday I called my mom and left a message at the house that we're not coming for Christmas and not just because of Chloe's allergies (they live on a ranch and she's allergic to most animals) but because I am not going to take the bullying. That was yesterday mid-morning and I still haven't heard back from them. I'm sure they've called a family meeting to discuss what they're going to do about me. They've always had a problem with me seeking help and I can see why. Anyone could see they are not healthy people and that some changes needed to be made in our home and they would totally mess with their perfect little world, as they see it. I was their guinea pig and nobody was going to mess with that. The problem is I'm not a guinea pig and neither are my children, we're human beings and for the first time in my life I am going to insist that we be treated like human beings.

Update On The Paparazzos

I would like to update you on family life! My husband got a deer on his birthday! Not a big one. It didn't even have antlers, and it was NOT a doe! It was a buck! You have never tasted such tender, delicious meat in your life! Jeremiah will be turning 13 on the 11th (God help us all!) though we've been dealing with hormones as many of you know for quite sometime. His voice is very crackly. He sounds hoarse all the time now. It's sort of weird. I hear when my nephew went through this stage, instead of crackling he just totally lost his voice and when he started talking again he sounded like a MAN! How boring!!! You didn't even get to laugh at him, I guess. (I wasn't around him at all during that time.) Jeremiah sounds hilarious when he gets upset!!! It's awesome!! I try not to point it out to much, though, cause Angela makes fun of him enough as it is! Jeremiah finished up football and is now playing basketball. He's a little disappointed because he didn't make the A team. He's on the B team. That's okay. It's his first year, and not playing as much will help him to focus on getting a couple of his grades back up. They're not bad, but he wants straight A's because he was promised some cash if that happens :) Whatever it takes to keep him motivated! This is why he'll be playing 4 sports this year. He loves sports of almost all kinds, and knows he can't play if he doesn't keep his grades up, so we let him play. If you're wondering how it's 4 sports and not 3 sports, it's because the junior high here separates basketball season from wrestling season, so he'll be wrestling in January. He'll be done with basketball by Christmas.

Angela is our newly crowned 11 year old! She is making friends left and right, had a terrible time deciding which one friend she was going to invite to go to the movies this weekend with her and her dad. This will be her birthday celebration. Her birthday was on the 1st. The weekend before, we were focused on Halloween. (I really should've dressed as a pumpkin the year she was born. I wouldn't have even needed any stuffing! My belly would do fine! I was anti-Halloween back then!) Then, of course, during the week we are too busy. Her with school and Josh with work. She and I have been shopping the last couple of days after school. She got money from her grandma (my mom). She ended up buying a couple of books with her money! She loves this new series called the Dork Diaries. I have to admit they're kind of cute! And totally remind me of the awkward middle school years! The perfect thing to make her feel she isn't alone! The author is a genious, I swear!!! Perfect for girls her age! And it's got her interested in reading, so it makes mama and her teacher's happy! She read the first two last year, cause she checked them out at the library when they first got them in!!! They have 2 more out now, and they were on sale at Wal-Mart, so she bought both of them! She's so excited and took them to school today, cause she can't wait to brag! She's only the 2nd girl in the class to get one of them, and the newest one, no one else in her class has yet, so she's super excited!!! On our budget, she isn't often the first to get anything!!! She asked me on the way back from Wal-Mart last night if I have an "inner voice" that warns me about stuff! Cause she says she does. She's been warned away from many situations and people! She's later realized some of the time, why those things were not a good idea, and sometimes not, but she figures there must be a reason! I was blown away, and nearly slammed on the brakes of my car in excitement for my baby girl!!! I told her, "Sweetie! That's the Holy Spirit!" It's just amazing to me that at 11 years old, she's that in tune with Him!!! She has taken to doing her devotionals on a daily basis within the last year, and that must be why!! Amazing!!!

Chloe's still her totally sanguine self!!! Halloween was hilarious! Everything was so exciting! Apparently her favorite candy in the whole world is smarties! Such a simple candy, and yet she jumped up and down with such joy every time she got them!!! When we went to the Harvest Festival at the Nazarene church, she got these tickets they give out at the game stations and they can turn them in for little toy type things, and she came running out of the store, jumping up and down and waving her new prize in me and Josh's faces, squealing "I got a glow stick! I got a glow stick!" The simplest things, I'm telling you, are the greatest treasures to her!!! You gotta love her!!! What else are you gonna do with that bundle of energy?!

Anyway, you mostly know what I'm up to, cause I talk about myself all the time, so that's all for now!

I Had A Few Semi-random Thoughts

Well, my internet's been in and out for a couple of weeks. Now it seems to be more in than out, so maybe we'll actually be able to accomplish something on here.

Thoughts after my first week and a a half of having a 7th grader (some related to that, others not so much.)

1. Why does my son's head turn into a tomato when you mention girls?

2....And he grins from ear to ear, showing his adorable dimples! (I can never get him to do that for school pictures?)

3. What is it with our family and death on school picture day? My grandma died on school picture day and we got the news just before. My son got the news right before(and I do mean RIGHT before) they took his pictures that his best friend's baby brother died. Still don't know waht happened. I'm guessing SIDS, but do not yet know. He was 2 months old and perfectly healthy. Jeremiah loved that kid and I know his family did, too. Please pray for them. Jeremiah's friend, Christian, is also in the 7th grade, and they have a few other kids as well.

4.In all my selfishness (am I sick or what?!) I thought, "Great, now I'm definitely not going to get a smile out of him in his pictures." In light of everything, WHO CARES!!!!!!

5. Is it really necessary for boy's to stick their hands down their pants every 20 minutes or so?

6. Why do they not care if they get hurt as long as they got to hurt someone else in the process? (Tackling in football.)

7. Why don't we just paint my car yellow and paint "Taxi Cab" on the side, cause that is what I am. I would really rather not live in my car, but alas, I am.

8. I had a whole lot of thoughts for you yesterday. Today, not so much. But then, that was before I got the above news about nearby families baby. Why must things like this happen?

Update, Family Reunion, and Counseling

Well, I am exhausted, and that is probably the understatement of the century. Last night after I finally got off of here at about 2o till 3, I got ready for bed. And then laid down to go to sleep, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was going a thousand miles an hour as always, but mostly only because I had heartburn to keep me awake, and for some reason, unlike my husband, if I'm awake I'm thinking. ALWAYS! Always thinking. Even if it's something totally insane and doesn't really matter at all, like whether or not greeks have weird sayings when they don't understand something, like when we say. "It's greek to me." I mean obviously that's not saying anything in Greece (Just an extra special glimpse into my odd mind:))! Anyway, since I had heartburn mostly I thought "this really hurts and I wish it would go away," "Please God, make it go away. I need sleep," and "this really sucks cause I actually do have to get up in the morning and be awake all day at a family reunion." I told God all about it, and got up to take a bath, cause that's what I do in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I'm not sure why. Somehow bath's are just comforting to me. I do this a lot when I'm sick or in some sort of pain, whether it be emotional or physical. Seriously, when I'm upset and know I can't just cry a little and not talk to anyone outloud about it, I go take a bath and bawl my head off and cry out to God. He's been very faithful here as of late in comforting me. I'm sure He was before, too, but I've never really had my whole heart in it, like I have this summer. Mostly in the past I doubted whether or not He even really cared and found it necessary to help Him decide what I needed. I'm not helping Him anymore, I'm just letting Him do it, and to my amazement He's actually quite good at His job, without my help! That was truly shocking, to realize that He can handle me on His own, He really doesn't need my help. I don't think I even consciously realized I was trying to help Him do His job until this last week or so, and then started wondering what's so different about my time devoted entirely to Him (quiet time and other times that I set aside when necessary throughout the day) than ever before. And that's when I realized that the difference was quite simple actually. I quit sort of telling Him what He needed do with me, and just said, "Uh, help! I don't really know what I need exactly. Could you show me?" What a concept! Actually, in trying to help Him, I was only getting in the way! I do realize that I need to get out and seek out people to talk to and be friends with, and maybe a counselor, or something like that, but I don't need to fret about it. When I get a lead on a counselor, I'll contact them and let God take care of the rest. I actually have a couple of leads right now, but I'm waiting till school starts to deal with that. These last couple of weeks before school starts are just a little to crazy to be doing that right now.

I had a good time at the family reunion, but after only about 3 hours of sleep, I'm pretty tired this evening. Can hardly wait for bedtime, even though, knowing me I'll still stay up ridiculously late!:) I am a nightowl. Have been since I was a small child. My mom said even as young as early elementary school age, if she made me go to bed, she'd often find me staring at the ceiling until about 10 o'clock. I guess God just made me this way. Not really sure why. He just did. I finally met one of Josh's cousins that I've been talking with frequently on facebook. A really fantastic young woman, and I'm so happy to be related to her even if it is only as an outlaw :) Yes, this was my husband's family, not mine. No offense, but if it was mine, I would not be happy about it! I actually have met her before, but only formally, once every 2 years at the Judd family reunion. So, didn't really know her at all. Thanks to facebook, I feel like I know her a little, and that helped me to be much more relaxed at this reunion. I mean, obviously, I know Josh's siblings and his mom, but not the rest of them as much. Absolutely love my sis-in-law, Candy. She is one of the most amazing people I know, and I'm not just saying that because she happens to read this blog :) I really mean it! I've never met anyone who could be as content as she is, in such humble circumstances. I'm sometimes a little jealous of her enjoyment in such simplicity. I require sparkly things to be happy:) You know, very girly things. Make-up of all shorts of colors and varieties, in case I get bored with my normal shade. All sorts of wonderful, preferably sparkly nailpolish, of many colors and shades! I'm getting quite bored with having my natural haircolor, with no highlights, lowlights, streaks or anything! That is just WRONG!!! And of course, sparkly jewelry, duh!! And, I just love that even sparkly clothes are in fashion! I just love to sparkle! One can I say!? If I didn't know better, I might just light a sparkler and put it in my hair and walk around like that! LOL!

Wow! Well, I mentioned the counseling situation. This group, the NANC, is apparently quite legalistic. They do not deal with wounded hearts on any level, only sinful hearts. I had started to get that feeling. It seemed as if all of my pain was only do to my own, personal sin. None of it stemmed from my abusive childhood at all. That's why I completed believed my friend when she told me that she had found the group to be legalistic. I had not even told her of my experiences at that point. I had only been telling her about the ministries that my church was involved in and had not told her that I was in counseling at all! So, I had not prompted that in any way. In fact, I was being quite positive about how great it was that we would soon have trained, Biblical Counselors, in Moscow, again. (She was the only one, before.) But when I told her the group they were training through, she balked. She even expressed concern that people could actually be hurt even more deeply with this type of counseling. She had no idea, and still doesn't that I had experienced this exact thing. Somehow I felt too ashamed of myself, to admit to her how much I am still struggling, all these years after I had been seeing her as a counselor, before she moved away. Anyway, I'm hoping to find someone else, soon.

I'm Back! Sorry For The Long Break

Wow! I have left you guys hanging for a really long time! Since it's past 2 am and I have to get up in just a few hours to go to a family reunion, I'll just let you all know I'm still here. We're all here in fact. I did make it back for the last camp. I left that very night after that last post I wrote and spent the weekend at Camp Grizzly. I'm still hurting. I've learned a few very disappointing things about the counseling group that I've been working with. I'll explain more in a future post, but what it boils down to is legalism, which is one of my biggest pet peeves anyway. I don't need people trying to make me all perfect without any compassion whatsoever and that's basically what they're doing. However, God has been very good to me, and has been ministering to me all by Himself! Who knew? He really doesn't need any help! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt at this point that He has not failed me. Other frail human beings have failed me, but He has not, and I can trust Him to continue to lead me! And now, I better go to bed, or tomorrow (um, actually, today) is going to be horrible!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 21

Wow! Was that really only two days ago!? It feels like forever ago, probably because I've continued to be under intense spiritual warfare, mixed with, what I feel, are personal attacks on me, but I'm sure the people who've done this are well meaning people who just do not understand the sort of, formal, and yet not formal, odd relationship that I have developped with Living Proof Ministries over the years. It's been a hard couple of days. I ended up, in great pain, and feeling deeply misunderstood, and feeling like I'd been alone too long, and needing some support, I facebooked my friend, and counselor in training, Shari. I was very happy to see her, yet, I don't know, maybe she was having a hard day at work, but she didn't seem as warm and tender as usual. She was all business. Which for about a half hour before she came I was battling the fear of having to share some very painful things with her that were hard for me, because I care too much, what she thinks of me(which we talked about) and I was shaking and praying while folding clothes (cause since I was jittery I needed something to do.) If she'd been slightly later, I had so much adrenaline running through my body, I might have had the entire house cleaned within an hour!!!! Even the bathtubs scrubbed! It was kind of interesting! Fear can cause a few good things to happen I guess. But I was waiting and couldn't get into any bible reading or anything, because then I'd be upset when I got interrupted. I NEVER get upset when you interrupt housework!!! Please DO :) I was feeling a lot of pain from my childhood and was going to share some of that with her. I started quoting my current memory verse for SSMT (check Beth Moore's blog if you're curious as to what that is). I was very nervous and wanted to share this with her right away, but as I was taking a breath, trying to get up the nerve, she asked me a question, that was a little less painful for me, but related, so I jumped on it. She wanted to know what happened at Camp Grizzly, so we went into that which eventually did lead into the painful memory, that really now that I think about it, only cropped up, two days ago, so yes, the pain is very fresh. I remembered it before, but I don't think I fully understood it, and God showed me how it had effected me in how I respond to people now, so I knew I needed to deal with the healing process of that loss of relationship with my parents when I was a child, and being afraid of them, because they hurt me most of the time, and did not give me the emotional comfort and love and acceptance that I needed. However, she asked me if I had forgiven my parents, and I said, yes, I'm pretty sure I have. And then, she asked if I had grieved that loss. And I don't think I really had thought of it as grieving what I was doing, and I was nervous, because I had not anticipated this question, and I think I said yes initially because I really would rather she not talk to me about that. Cause again, painful, fear, all of that....but I hadn't grieved that. That's what I'm doing now. I felt like I needed to get over my fear of letting others see my pain in person, up close and personal, and I was trying to overcome that by inviting her in, but because I basically dodged the question, and even lied to her about it, sort of, unconsciously, but I did. Thank you, God. I need to repent of that. So, she moved on to me needing to go an apologize for my wrong to the person at Camp Grizzly, who I ran away from, basically, instead of dealing with, and that was a pride issue partially, because I also didn't want her to see my pain over this issue. I didn't want to cry in front of her, because she used some words that my parents often used against me, and she wasn't necessarily attacking me, personally, but I took it that way (yet another problem I need to deal with, but one at a time...patience, Shellie) and as you can imagine with the pain that I was already dealing with inside myself, that was overwhelming. I knew she was right, but because I really hadn't grieved that memory, I wasn't ready for it. She did not know this so she was rather harsh to my very injured soul, which had I have grieved I needed, but again, that was my fault. I felt sort of shut down at that point and was too scared to confront or even speak to the pain that I was feeling any more. I started to feel tears coming on, but that's when she would interject to tell me what I needed to hear, or she thought based on the misinformation, but all in all, yes, I attacked her in an email at first. I hope she can forgive me that wrong. But then, I sent a second email after visiting with a friend, not about the email, but about what I was struggling with and then I could think more clearly and was able to email her back and tell her in a much more proper way how I felt about the situation. Anyway, it's been another hard day. I've spent a lot of time in the Psalms crying out to the Lord, using words David wrote, which, while he didn't have exactly the same issues as I do, many of those feelings are the same, so while reading them, they began to become my own cries, crying out to Him. And I love doing that with scripture, cause I can guarantee that's within His will and it has truths with the emotions, so that it doesn't just become about the pain, but really learning God's truth at the same time. I think the Psalms are going to be a refuge for me at this time in my life, as I cry out to God using many of David's words, and a few of my own as I add to it, as I kind of put my own emotions and thoughts in there, but covered by God's truth, in a sort of bible study, prayer mix! I love that, because it becomes so personal, and He is a personal God, who loves me, exactly the way I am, and accepts me, and I can just say what I'm thinking and feeling right now, as He's my only companion and ever present help in trouble.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 19

Well, it's not quite as late as when I got on here last night. I was feeling some pain that I didn't understand today. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, and then I remembered praying that I would be more sensitive to others needs. I've prayed this several times in my life, but I'm wondering if maybe the healing I've been doing has allowed me to do that. If my heart is just sensitive enough to feel others pain. You see, a friend of mine...well, we're not real close, but I consider her a friend, lost a close family member, in a tragic accident yesterday. I know she is really hurting right now, and I wonder if I was feeling a little bit of that. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I've lost friends and family members, but never someone young that I was very close to. I don't have a really close family, so I can't say if I lost one of them that I'd be in as deep of pain as she is right now. But I can imagine how I might feel, and yet at the same time, I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, I was close to Dave, but he wasn't as young as this person, and he'd been sick for a long time, so it wasn't a total shock, like this is. I do hope that it is me sympathizing with her, because otherwise I have no idea where this pain was coming from. I hadn't been thinking about past abuse or anything like that.

I did have to apologize to God for spending most of my day playing around on facebook and twitter instead of spending time with Him. I didn't get into the word until after dinner!!!! That is very unlike me! That did make a difference and I definitely feel bad, but I confessed my sin and I fully believe that He has forgiven me, and I asked Him to help me do better tomorrow! I have complete confidence that I have regained my focus and tomorrow will be all about Him again! So, tomorrow's a new day!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 17

It's been a challenging day, with a lot of tears, but I'm learning that tears are okay. That it's okay to grieve. That it's even healthy. The reason that it hurts so much to lose people, shows that we let ourselves be vulnerable. That the relationship mattered. If it didn't hurt, then the relationship meant nothing and that's not good. I risked loving, and that's why the loss hurts so deeply. And God heals, and He is enough. I don't have to have that other person in my life to be able to continue living for God. God is my everything and He will bring the people into my life that I need to keep me balanced. I know that He has a plan for my life, and I'm glad I've had people in my life, like Dave, who have been Jesus to me. Have been that Christ-like influence and have shown me who Jesus is, little by little. I'm still learning and growing and always will be.

We are called to be in relationship with people, as well as God, and sometimes that hard to balance, and figure out where the boundaries are. We need each other, and at the same time, we can't rely on each other. We have to rely completely on God. That can be confusing sometimes. Be honest. Do you ever get confused about whether or not someone has become an idol in your life? I do. Sometimes I wonder if Beth Moore is an idol in my life, and maybe at times she has been. I have to constantly keep myself in check, and back off if I feel I'm getting to involved with someone else other than God. There have been times that my husband has been my idol. Oh, boy! That can get ugly! I've realized it when I've been mad, and asked myself why I was mad, and ultimately, it was because he didn't fix me. He didn't make me feel all happy again. He didn't cure my depression! He can't do that! He's a man! He's a really wonderful man, that loves me.....but he's just a man! He's weak (yes, I just said that my husband is weak, because compared to God, he is!) and he doesn't know everything. Only God can be my everything! My husband can't, my pastor can't, my counselor can't, my very best friend's can't, my favorite teacher, Beth Moore, can't. Only God! And yet, we need those other people? Does that ever confuse anybody else, or is it just me? I need bible teachers. I need my counselor. I need my friends. I need my husband, and I need my pastors. That is really hard to balance and make sure that it is truly God that is my all in all, and not those other people.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 16

Well, last night, after posting about my "daddy" I went to bed and bawled over how much I miss him! My life was pretty crazy at the time that I lost him to cancer, I believe it was Thanksgiving Day 2006, so I really didn't get any time alone to really mourn his passing. I was extremely heartbroken over the whole thing and even more so, because I hadn't seen him in years. You see, after we were married, my husband and I were a little overwhelmed by married life, I think, and I in particular had gotten worse in my depression (not because my husband didn't treat me right, I assure you!) and we didn't really stay in contact with the people we knew in Coeur d'Alene. We decided it was time to move on, so we didn't really contact them for a very long time. This was before the days of facebook and twitter and blogs and even before we had our own PC at home to email people. In fact, I don't know about Josh, but it was the first time I had really embraced the whole internet thing and started using my email account at school. (Wow, things have changed in a relatively short amount of time!) In fact, I'm not sure that embrace is really the right word. I more like surrendered, because sooo many people were telling me, "email me," or "did you get my email?" so I surrendered and started checking it to see these much needed emails people were sending me on this email account they gave me when I registered at UofI, that I had no intention of using. (I know this is amusing to many of you who know how much I love technology now!)

Anyway, I'm way off track, darn ADD brain. We didn't talk to our friends in Coeur d'Alene for many years. Than we were there to enjoy some fireworks at one point, because my dad had moved there and we thought Coeur d'Alene might be fun for the Fourth of July! (Don't do it if you have young children. The fights and profanity in the parking lot are so not worth it!) It was fun, other than the parking lot scene....which was very entertaining at first, as well....until the kids got old enough to repeat the wonderful words that they heard! But at this time we bumped into a few people that we knew from when we were dating and engaged to be married. (That is usually why you get engaged! Did you ever wonder why people have to add "to be married" to that statement?) We found out that people had been asking about us, and me in particular, wondering how we were doing, so we reconnected with some of them, particularly our former pastor and his wife, another man that Josh knew from even before Coeur d'Alene, and Dave (or as you know him, "daddy.") I didn't actually get to see him that day, but I did talk to him on the phone. Actually, the last time I saw him in person, was on my wedding day. (How sad is that?) If I remember correctly he basically threatened my new husband within an inch of his life if he didn't treat me properly. Yes, I think he most definitely treated me like a daughter, or at least how I would imagine, a real dad, who really does love his daughter as he should, would treat his daughter. I wouldn't really know much about that. I'm glad I got to experience if for at least a short period of time through Dave. After that, we again, got very busy with our life in Moscow, and didn't contact anyone for a long time. When we did, we found out that Dave and his family had moved to Texas and that Dave was very sick with cancer, and that he was getting very weak and did not believe that he would make it. I remember starting to open my mouth to ask for contact information for him, and couldn't for the lump in my throat! I could not, at that time, let myself cry in front of anyone! I don't think even I realized fully, up to that point, how important that relationship was to me. I could not believe that he would die. I told myself that God was going to heal him and that he would come back to Idaho and then, we would talk. That's not what happened. He did die, and because of my fear, I didn't even know it until about a month after his passing. All I could think was that I never told him how much I loved him. I was still mostly afraid to cry in front of anyone, but after having spent a year in Celebrate Recovery, I thought maybe I could face his illness and asked someone in an email about him....but it was too late. He was gone and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. No amount of tears, no amount of screaming at God would bring him back. He was gone, and I lost my chance. I remember actually thinking at the time, that it was probably a good thing he didn't know how I was. He would be so disappointed. But after thinking about what I told you all about him last night, I know he wouldn't be disappointed. Well, he might be a little, but mostly he would just love me, and want to do anything he could to help, just like he always did. I never gave myself permission to grieve his passing. I didn't dare let anyone see that I was hurting, so I feel like for the first time, as crazy as that might be almost 5 years after his passing, I am finally grieving this gigantic loss in my life. I miss him terribly!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 6

How do you like the new title for my blog? Felt it explained a little better what you might expect to find here. Not much that's important! LOL! I've been doing well. Have had some periods of mourning, over what could have been, you know, had I done this sooner, how much easier my family's life could have been. And also, since I had to leave for a while the things I've missed out on. I saw pictures on facebook of my brandnew baby niece when she was only a few miles away and knowing that my kids were there to see the baby. Oh, how my heart ached! I cried and cried in my house all by myself. I cried over my daughter's post on how much she misses her mommy. She ripped my "mommy" heart right out of my chest. I so wish she didn't have to do through this. I never wanted this for her or anyone else in my family. It sounds like they're all doing well, though, for the most part. Jeremiah's earned one merit badge and is working on two more this week. I sure hope I heal and am able to function better in life after this time. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I've been working my way slowly out of the house. I went to the store, cause I needed more water-proof bandages. I learned the hard way that I most definitely did not want to go in the shower band-aid free! Pelting water on the toe, no matter how softly pelting, really hurts! Don't worry it gets soaked in water morning and night, so it does get clean. It's looking sort of odd. I sure hope it's healing properly. It's sort of gross looking. Eeeeewwww! It still really hurts sometimes, like last night. I've been experiencing a lot of other physical pain, some of it, believe it or not, associated with depression! I never knew you could be in such emotional turmoil that it actually physically hurts! After all that crying and feeling like I would never get well the other day, I started to have this horrible pain in my chest, like something was sitting on it. At first I thought I might be having a heart attack! It scared me half to death, and it occurred to me that it could be from the pain in my emotional heart that was causing it. Now, I am almost positive it was, and occasionally it returns. I've also had backpain, which I think is due to the awkward and uncomfortable positions I often have to sleep and sit in, in order to keep my foot elevated. It was very painful yesterday and this morning. I had to do many different stretches to finally get it to where I could still stand myself. Oh, it hurt.

Anyway, the anxiety attack. I was actually, quite impressed with myself as I first went out yesterday, because I saw a friend who knows about all of this, and I greeted her joyfully. I was genuinely glad to see her. She insisted on a hug and I gladly obliged! After that I went into the store and really was smiling (cause I was so happy to see my very understanding friend) and not scared at all. I got some make-up and the band-aids and headed home. No big deal! Then, I saw a sheriff's car in my neighbor's driveway and I'm telling you I had heart palpatations. Talk about paranoid! It's not like I've broken the law or anything, but somehow in my mind, even though I know this, I was thinking," Yeah, they're at my neighbors, but they're looking for me. I just know it. The neighbors think I'm crazy and they sent him to question me and take me in!" I even walked dreadfully (palms sweaty, heart racing, barely able to breathe, even heavier chest than before, and my back started to hurt again) up to my house and slowly opened my door, expecting someone to be there waiting for me. No one was there. I've seen that sheriff's car in that driveway before. I'm pretty sure they're friends and he has lunch over there, sometimes. I'm just ridiculously paranoid and sure everyone thinks I'm a freak:( I was very disappointed in myself. I really need to get over this! I know God can heal this, but it's taken so LONG! I've been praying over this for over 6 years now! I NEED to be better. I need to have a testimony and feel like I can talk about God without shame, knowing that I don't really live up to it:( I'm seriously sometimes ashamed to admit I'm a Christian, because I bring such shame to the faith. I'm an awful person. Why would anyone want to come to Christ who sees me in such turmoil all the time! I'm still hanging in there, though, and trying to push through this. I know I can't avoid the pain. I have to push through it or it'll just keep coming back. I'm just worried it will anyway:(

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 4

If you've been wondering if it's occurred to me that there might be some risk involved in this commitment of mine, it has. I've realized several things.





1. I could get so comfortable here that I become an agoraphobic.





Yes, it could happen, but I seriously doubt it. I'm such an extreme extrovert that to me the fact that I haven't driven myself crazy yet is proof of God's approval of this plan! I usually get pretty lonely by the second day of no direct human contact. I'm not lonely! I'm loving every minute I have with my Jesus. In fact, a really cool thing happened the other day. I was getting ready to soak my toe and thinking about how God had not told me anything real clearly just yet, and I had this thought-prayer, "God, I think maybe you're holding off, because you're just really enjoying having me all to Yourself." After I thought that it occurred to me that this was the first time EVER in my entire life, that I had seriously thought that God might actually enjoy me! ME! Shellie Paparazzo, former drug addict, alcoholic, barely knows what a boundary is let alone does she ever keep one, fit-throwing, all too often fakey, oversensitive, used to sleep around a lot (half the guys I've slept with I didn't even know their names) ME! God might actually enjoy that person! Really?! Yes, really! Crazy as it may sound I believe it! I'm truly beginning to believe it to the core of my being! I KNOW that I know that He loves me and has completely forgiven me, at least most of the time, I think. It's funny how some of the smaller, more recent things are harder for me to let go of then the really "big" sins of my past. I guess mostly because right now they're so close to my heart and mind. I also have realized that I am struggling with guilt over things that are probably not even things I should be feeling guilty about. I guess that's what they call false guilt. I feel guilty whenever I spend my husband's hard earned money. Even when it's for things I need, just because it's for me! I've even felt guilty for buying groceries, as if I don't even deserve to eat! I've felt guilty for getting an ingrown toenail and needing to go to the doctor. I've felt guilty for buying summer clothes and for buying things for the kids to do this summer. I even felt guilty for buying the devotional book that is helping me so much right now! I feel guilty for not working outside the home. I feel guilty for sending my kids to public school, even though I know that for us it was the best choice. It was the best choice because I can't handle having the kids home all the time! How awful is that!!! I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. I feel guilty for needing counseling. I feel guilty for having to take antidepressants and allergy medicine. You get the idea. I feel guilty for anything and everything that might take away from what someone else might have been able to have.

2. My neighbors could decide I'm so crazy that they never allow their children anywhere near me or my home again! Can you imagine how awful that would be for my poor kids?!

3. I could get sick or hurt and not be able to call for help and no one would have a clue for days! Pretty slim chance, but it could happen. Please don't bug me constantly just because it might happen!

All in all, I think the possible benefits are worth the risk! I'm having a great time with Jesus!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 3 (this could end up with dozens of parts)

I just realized that in all my rambling about my "Shack" that I never really explained to you, why, even when isolating is a personal issue of mine, I've decided isolation is exactly what I need for now! So, I will do that now. (Again, my posts are all usually first drafts. I just type and publish. No editting. So don't take everything too seriously. It may just have come out wrong. Ask me in a comment if you're not sure of something. I'll answer in my next post.)

Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 2

I wish this really was a shack, preferably in the mountains or near the ocean, but definitely way farther away from people. All the noise outside my house is driving me crazy! I'm a naturally curious person, so even in the middle of a very intense prayer time with God if I hear something I peak through the curtains to see what is going on! I even saw a friend out there once. He works for our next door neighbor, so he's here a lot. It was all I could do not to open the window and shout "Hi, Dan!" but I didn't. God and I've gotten through a lot of pages today. It's sparked some hope in my heart. I plan to not answer the door, but I don't have curtains on all my windows, including the one on my door, so when I'm stretched out on the couch, like I am right now you can see me through the window on the door. Or, you can't completely see me all the time, but as a knee jerk reaction (much like the issue I'm dealing with) I pop my head up when I hear a knock. So far, it's just been kids looking for my kids. The first night, before I had this plan, Jeremiah's good friend, Nathan, knocked on the door and I answered and told him that no one else is home. Just me. So hopefully the other kids will talk to him and find out no one else is here. I'm sure the kids that knocked last night think I'm a freak! They knocked once. I popped my head up and then scrunched back down to ignore them. They came back a couple minutes later and knocked again. This time I popped my head up and waved them away, shaking my head and mouthing "go away." Yeah, like I said, they probably think I'm a freak. This is part of what I'm getting over. Worrying about what other people think of me, and allowing it to really get to me. See the problem is when someone criticizes me, or I think they did, I begin to fear that what they say about me is true! Especially if they use words like "lazy", "stupid", "worthless", or "gross." These are things I was called in my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive home growing up. My laziness is not really laziness. It's fear. Fear of screwing up. Fear of proving that I'm stupid and worthless. Mostly, I just don't let people get close enough to hurt me. What I'm doing now may seem to be only increasing the likeliness of that problem, but what happens is when I read these things about myself or hear them, I get angry. Not just at the person, but at everyone! At my husband, at my kids, at anyone who may be nearby! I say terrible, mean things that I would never say otherwise to drive them away! To drive everyone away! It's not even conscious, but I do it! I stop believing anything positive anyone says about me. And, of course, ultimately, since I believe that what the person said about me or I perceived they said about me, is true, I end up being angry with myself and wanting to end my life! Too many people in my life, know all too well, how often this happens. If I could see it coming I might be able to stop it, but what I mean by it being uncontrollable (a word I used to describe it in my last post) is that I do see it starting, but I can't stop it. I told you it's complicated! I don't even realize how much hearing those things about myself still affects me, until I see or hear those ugly words again. I'll think I'm doing well. Things are going along just fine and then wham! Somebody slams me with those sorts of accusations (or perceived accusations. I think you get the point about the perception thing! Can we just assume from now on that's sometimes the case? I wasn't accused at all, but I thought they did?) and I go off on them or my family or friends, or all of the above! You get the point. And then, of course, I turn it on myself. And I do realize that my being frozen by fear makes me appear to be lazy, but I'm not! I was raised on a ranch! Are you kidding me?! I know what real work is! I've done it! And been told over and over again that it wasn't good enough. That I didn't try hard enough or I was worthless and would never amount to anything. Or, how could I be so stupid! I could go on and on about the things my parents and teachers would say about the work that I did, but you get the point. I believed it, to the core of my being, and now somehow, even though I know what God's Word says about me, those lies are so deeply rooted, I can't seem to get to a place where they don't cause me to overreact. I still fear that all those things are true of me.

Now, as many of you know, I can't figure out how to comment on my own blog with the recent changes blogger has made, so I'm going to comment to your comments here in this post. Everytime I tried to comment using my blogger account or URL address it just tells me I'm not a member of that site! Really!?! I didn't know I had to be a member of my OWN BLOG!!!

So, here goes: KtCallista- thank you! There is one thing I could use right about now. I have quite a list going, but this is the only one I could really use right now or it will be too late (planning to order online and have things shipped UPS). Do you happen to have some Epsom Salt? Or could you get some and I could pay you back? I could really use it for my ingrown toenail. I'm really hoping I don't have to go back to the doctor for my appointment on Tuesday to have it removed, now that the infection is gone. I didn't think Epsom salt would help before. I mean I've used it for sore muscles, but not something like this. Someone at Camp Grizzly before I left told me it actually would help, so I'm going to try it if I can?

Candy- I'm so glad Angela got to go to VBS! I was a little worried about that! Tell her MOMMY. LOVES. HER. SO. MUCH. and I'll see her soon, but I can't talk to her right now. I'm doing this as much for her and her brother and sister as I am for myself and her daddy. She won't understand now, but I'm hoping someday she will!

Sojourner- Huh? I think I'm missing something? What are you talking about? I mean, I know what you're talking about, but I don't get the connection between that and my post? How'd you come up with that from that? I'm sure you had a point. You always do, but I don't get it!