My Own Personal "Shack" Part 13

Well, sorry, I've been away for a while. Focusing on other things. I did decide to go to a friend's house one day last week for a prayer meeting. It was a little awkward at first and I had a hard time explaining why I'm not at Camp Grizzly to people who don't read my blog. I used my toe as an excuse, since I really can't go back to camp until my toe is healed, which seems to be taking a really long time. I don't know. Maybe I just don't know enough about these things to know how quickly it should heal. I don't know how long to expect for my heart to heal either and I'm pretty impatient with myself. I feel like I have determined so many times to change, to react better, to not assume the world is out to get me, and I fail every time! I'm getting rather irritated with myself, but one of the things I've noticed, with an online friends help, is how much Satan has cultivated messages of death into my life. Sometimes I just use the terms jokingly like, when I say things like, "'Give me makeup or give me death" to a friend online who isn't allowed to wear makeup, but needless to say, I say it all the time. I say things like, "I would just die" if such and such a thing happened to me. Do you see it? Death. It's everywhere in my speech. She challenged me to, even for just one week, to at least avoid saying it on twitter, and when I'm tempted to, or catch myself, about to use those types of terms, to tweet my memory verse, or just simply "Jesus loves me" or something to that effect instead. Honestly, I haven't really been tempted toward that at all so far, but one time I did get on there and realized I didn't have anything really to say, so I simply thought, hmm, what is my favorite thing right now, cause a friend had tweeted about something she enjoyed in life, so I just simply said. "God is my favorite." It felt good. He is my favorite. I haven't always been able to honestly say that, but right now, He's my very best friend, really, my only consistent friend, since I've sort of shut almost everyone out, mostly, for now. They can communicate online, but that's because that is mostly controlled by me, not the other person. I can turn off my computer at any time and they don't even have to know I did! So I don't feel rude and I keep the necessary, albeit, temporary, boundaries, secure.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 3 (this could end up with dozens of parts)

I just realized that in all my rambling about my "Shack" that I never really explained to you, why, even when isolating is a personal issue of mine, I've decided isolation is exactly what I need for now! So, I will do that now. (Again, my posts are all usually first drafts. I just type and publish. No editting. So don't take everything too seriously. It may just have come out wrong. Ask me in a comment if you're not sure of something. I'll answer in my next post.)

Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!

My Overwhelming Desire To Die and What I'm Going To Do About It!

It has been a really crazy week. Last Friday I came to a place where I was feeling so hopeless about the whole "counseling" situation, that I was having really overwhelming thoughts of suicide that were so intense I had to sit on my bed, hug my knees to my chest and shake praying for the feeling to pass, so that I wouldn't run into the kitchen, grab a knife and slit my wrists. I really had decided that there was no hope and that I was going to kill myself on Monday (today) morning. I had it all planned and everything. But it was so hard to wait. I really wanted to do it right then. I did not want to wait! So in a last ditch effort to find someone out there who might help I let people know on facebook, twitter and a couple of people through emails that I would no longer be with them. Some with a longer message than others. I know that many have said that it would be better to have called someone and talked to them personally, but I have tried that in the past and not really gotten anywhere. Once it gets to Josh it is usually stopped in it's tracks. Most of the people in my life do not feel that professional counseling is worth the cost and therefore find all sorts of other alternatives that have been dead ends, since they can't even seem to get to the root of the problem. It would help to be able to get to the root of the problem, which is probably buried so deep that no one but a professional could get to it, no matter how hard they tried. After all, I remember hurting deeply emotionally even as a young child and was suicidal by the time I was in 8th grade. And many other painful trials were yet to come as I entered high school. I had a very unsupportive family and was never loved the way every child needs to be loved in order to be healthy. I know I have grown a lot in the last few years, but there is still so much pain there that I know needs to be dealt with. My husband met with a pastor this morning to discuss our options as far as getting me help. He recommended a Christian Counseling group in Coeur d'Alene called Genesis something. I guess they charge on a sliding scale based on your income and have many counselors doing various types of counseling, all Christians. It is quite a drive, but my husband and I have come to a place where we're both willing to do whatever it takes to get me well. After all, we wouldn't hesitate if I had cancer or something to get me to the best doctors who would give me the best treatment and this is just as deadly!

I'm also meeting with my pastor tomorrow morning to settle our differences in person instead of on facebook, which was not a good thing. I am hoping that even though I have sinned grievously, he will offer me a little grace on this one. Please pray for this.

Tomorrow afternoon, I will most likely be meeting a newfound friend from my church for coffee. As I understand it, this woman, who I know, but have never really spent a whole lot of time with before, has also struggled with depression in the past. And there's just something about shared misery isn't there? And who knows, maybe we can both encourage each other a little in the process! And who couldn't use a little Christian Crack (coffee)?!?! Then, on Thursday another woman from Celebrate Recovery and who is also being trained to be a counselor, is going to be meeting with me and helping me work through my junk and find some healing in Christ. I know it's available and it's what God wants for me. I just have to find the right combination of counseling, medication, support and whatever else I need, but I won't give up! I know Christ wants to set me free! Now maybe we might be able to start convincing my heart of this fact!