Major Failure

Well, I'm feeling much better today (not real good, but better) because I've finally decided once and for all not to ever get a job outside the home. Don't even bug me about it. I went to my husband's office this afternoon to help him with his busy work, secretary kind of stuff. He had me putting labels on envelopes and organizing them to where you could easily put the right letters into the envelopes that correspond with the names without hunting for them. I totally messed up the organization part of that, because I can't keep enough information inside my head at one time to do that kind of thing. It's not that I'm disobedient. I just can't keep simple instructions straight in my brain long enough to do a task. I actually didn't understand the instructions very well, which were quite simple really and I could see what I did wrong after I messed it up and yet not well enough to do it right if I had to do it again. I'd probably mess it up at least 5 times before I got it right. I do the same thing organizing things at home. I have to redo it 5 or 6 times before I get it right, which is why not much gets done at my house. He had to reorganize everything. He said it was fine, but of course he did, cause he's my husband and I was just volunteering. He's not paying me or anything. These are the sorts of things employers always got frustrated with me over and it's why I'm not employable. Both my daughters and my son are just going to have to get used to people thinking they're strange cause they have this messed up mother who can't do things that "normal" mothers can, and she doesn't work as a result, so they're poor people with a mother who sits around at home on her lazy ass, or excuse me, rear end. That's how people are always going to think of me and somehow I have to get to a place where I'm okay with it and so are my kids. I have to accept what I cannot change, as the serenity prayer says, even though most people, even people involved with recovery, are going to think this is something I can change. I can't. I've tried and only gotten yelled at. No one has the patience in our culture to deal with someone like me. Employers in America expect people to be able to think on their feet and make split decisions without help, and I can't do that. They expect people to be able to do simple tasks right the first time. I can't seem to do that. I'll think I can do that. It isn't even a matter of confidence. I went in to Josh's office today very sure that I could do this simple thing that he was asking me to do, so it wasn't that I already believed I would fail, so I did. It's the kind of task I figured I could do without a problem. It's the type of thing I would mostly be doing at the jobs I was applying for, which is why I was applying for those types of jobs. I figured those simple tasks I could manage. It's why I thought I could work retail. I could run a cash register and make change, no problem, and I like people, so I could be friendly and courteous with them, but I was reminded today by my mistake that this is the sort of thing that happens all the time. I'm just used to it at home and everyone else in my home has adjusted to the lack of organization, so I forget that this is why I am where I am. I was reminded so now I know that I have to stay at home where I'm safe and won't be criticized for doing things wrong all the time. I won't be constantly torn down. I'm a decent mother. My kids feel loved and are fairly well disciplined for the most part, so I can do that and that's going to have to be good enough for the people around me. If it's not I'm going to have to learn to accept that that's their problem and not mine. That's the part I'm not sure I'll ever get used to. I think I'll always be sad, because I'm so disappointed in myself, cause I thought I could be better than I am. I thought I could be what others call normal. I'm going to have to get used to the misunderstanding and rude comments about how lazy I am and how I'm not serving my family as I should. I really don't think I can do that. I feel like a failure.

I couldn't help but laugh when someone on facebook commented that I didn't think I could drive before either and now I'm a better driver than she is. That was hilarious, because I'm not! It took me years to get down the basic skills of driving, where most people it only takes a few months or even weeks, to be able to take the driver's test, and I still can't parallel park or drive a stick shift. I have a hard time remembering to look in my rearview mirror or check everyplace where there might be other cars coming to check for traffic. I have a hard time judging how much space I have to pull out when parking and as a result do a lot of backing up and pulling back forward to get out of parking spaces, frustrating other drivers that are waiting for me to pull out. I'm the biggest cause of road rage in Idaho. Or more like parking lot rage. I've had so many fender benders that at one point my insurance was dropped. Every fender bender I've been in was entirely my fault. My husband won't let me drive his car, as a result, cause he needs a nice looking vehicle, not one that's all dented up, for the work that he does. Most of my fender benders have not involved another driver, so we haven't even bothered reporting them. I've backed into poles and scraped my car on the poles marking the edge of the gas pumps at gas stations. Good thing they have those there. I'd probly take out the pumps!!! They probably have those there because of crazy people like me, who shouldn't ever be given driver's licenses and turned loose out on the streets. Just a little glimpse into this hopeless loser's life.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 8

My heart is pretty raw this morning. I've been afraid of other's misunderstanding of me. People who will not understand why I have to be alone right now. Why I can only trust my heart to Jesus, alone, right now. I can trust a little bit of it to you, because you are not so close to me that you can hurt me. I can turn this computer off and what you think no longer matters, cause most of you I don't have to live with. I don't have to go to church with you. I don't have to see you at the grocery store. And really, you're very unlikely to talk to me about something you read on my blog, even if you are a part of my "normal" life. And really, most of the time, it isn't that I don't trust people to know my story. It's that I don't trust them to react in a compassionate way at the moment they hear it. I'm afraid of your flesh and blood in my presence, and what you would do if I said something you'd never heard. What would you do or say, if I started sobbing right in front of you, like I often do in prayer and behind this computer screen and during my devotional time? Will you think I'm ridiculous and I need to just buck up and get over it? Cause, I've been told that by well-meaning Christians. They don't get it. I'm afraid of being misunderstood and getting the wrong counsel, that will only further hurt me, which is what I've experienced from many.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 3 (this could end up with dozens of parts)

I just realized that in all my rambling about my "Shack" that I never really explained to you, why, even when isolating is a personal issue of mine, I've decided isolation is exactly what I need for now! So, I will do that now. (Again, my posts are all usually first drafts. I just type and publish. No editting. So don't take everything too seriously. It may just have come out wrong. Ask me in a comment if you're not sure of something. I'll answer in my next post.)

Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!