Packing And The Drama Of Driving

I seriously never before have wished more than I do right now that we hadn't lost the chord to the camera, so I could charge it and take pictures! I just read about Keith and Beth Moore moving out of their home of 27 years on the LPM blog and she had all sorts of pictures of things that had memories attached to them! I've found so many things here that I wish I could do that with! Unlike her, I don't have my husband experiencing this with me! He's busy getting work stuff taken care of to leave for the next DE here. And, of course, he will be cleaning out his office. He'll actually be going from an actual office to a cubicle! That almost seems like a step down! I mean, it's about the same size as the tiny office he has here, but without the privacy of an actual door, you know what I mean!?! I would find working in a cubicle very distracting and difficult to get any work done, with all the other people around you, but that's me for you. Like I've mentioned before, ADD. It's also in a very busy part of town. We kept hearing sirens and other things outside. It's right across the street from the Spokane Arena for those of you who are familiar with the area. Yeah, the emergency vehicles go right by his window to go just about anywhere it seems. I'm imagining those type of vehicles going by that area is probably a pretty regular thing. It could just be we were there at a bad time and something major had just happened! Anyway, obviously, also, I have not lived here 27 years! That would mean I moved in when I was 10 since I'll be 37 in just two days! Yes, you may send me gifts :) I'm not shy! I'm actually hoping, along with a new set of earphones for my iPod, since mine have a short, good ones with good quality sound, not the cheap ones I usually buy, that my man will buy me a new power chord for my camera :) Yes, he does read this blog, so I am hinting. I know because of the move we don't have a lot of money to spare. We're going to be spending a lot of it on like a new washing machine, and some furniture, things like that (that's going to make up for the jacuzzi bath he never hooked up that was supposed to be for my 31st birthday :)) This would be why I'm asking for practical things like power chords. Besides it only seems appropriate since he did buy me the camera last year for my birthday :) I really over use that smile, don't I?

Anyway, back to the packing thing. I had to clean out my car the other day, because we had to sell that *sniff sniff* I found a t-shirt I bought Angela a long time ago, that probably would have fit Chloe now, but it was filthy from being in the back of my car for so long. It wasn't stinky or moldy or anything so I probably could have saved it, but against my better judgment I threw it away! I just didn't want something that dirty in my washing machine when I have so many other things to wash right now! I felt like I ought to have a ceremony for it, though! It was heart wrenching throwing it in that barrel. It had a picture of a coffee mug and a little bubble that said, "sugar?" It had another bubble in another corner that said, "No thanks!" and in the center in big letters it said, "I'm Sweet Enough Already" *sniff sniff*

I also felt we should have a service for my car! I know it's just a 1995 Subaru Legacy, but you have no idea what this car has taken me through! To put it in perspective for you, do you remember your first car? The first car you ever owned? All yours, no else's or at least you were the primary driver? That's what this car was for me! My first car. And it might have had extra special meaning to me, because as some of you have probably figured out, I have many, many fears!!! I'm basically scared of everything and one of those things was driving. Really, even of learning how to drive, or more like, being afraid to prove I can't learn how to drive, or do anything else for that matter. Of proving that my parents were right about me. I really am a no-good for nothing loser, who can't do anything right. I am stupid. All those things they said about me. I didn't want to prove them right...again! So, I was afraid to try. I'm still afraid to try new things. I'm afraid of not being perfect, which is what was expected of me, so I finally got my driver's license in October of 2008. This was monumental for me! This was after I don't know how many driver's permits, including the one's I had in high school, that never translated into me taking the test, which scared me most of all. Some guy, staring at my every move and marking things down on paper while I attempted to drive and remember all the things I needed to remember. I'm still not a good driver, but I got my license, and as long as I don't get caught in a tight place where I have to back up or turn around, I usually do okay. I've gotten in a few fender benders with that car in a short time and God has been gracious most of the time, in having it be with people who didn't want to report it. Phew! It was my fault always, so it mostly would have hurt me! I did get a misdemeanor charge once for hitting someone. No fun! God provided miraculously for that one by an anonymous person at church leaving some money for us! Thank you, Jesus! I learned how to drive through many tears, panic attacks, and sometimes deep depressions after a particularly hard driving lesson that I felt I failed miserably at! I often gave up only to eventually (sometimes months later) start again. I got devastatingly discouraged and down on myself. I still do in regards to driving. I'm still not comfortable driving, especially if there's a lot of heavy traffic, which is one reason we decided to sell the car. If I won't drive unless I absolutely have to in Moscow, I'm not driving at all in Spokane for a while. I might try occasionally, with Josh in his Santa Fe. I'll definitely keep up my license, which means I'll be getting a Washington license in a few months. After I just renewed my Idaho license at that! Sheesh! I hope a Washington license isn't too expensive! And I hope I only have to take a written test to get my Washington license. Can you imagine me taking a driver's test in Spokane!!! Yikes!! We'll find out all that soon enough. For awhile I'll be walking and riding the bus, though. But yes, I want to keep my license just in case.

Major Failure

Well, I'm feeling much better today (not real good, but better) because I've finally decided once and for all not to ever get a job outside the home. Don't even bug me about it. I went to my husband's office this afternoon to help him with his busy work, secretary kind of stuff. He had me putting labels on envelopes and organizing them to where you could easily put the right letters into the envelopes that correspond with the names without hunting for them. I totally messed up the organization part of that, because I can't keep enough information inside my head at one time to do that kind of thing. It's not that I'm disobedient. I just can't keep simple instructions straight in my brain long enough to do a task. I actually didn't understand the instructions very well, which were quite simple really and I could see what I did wrong after I messed it up and yet not well enough to do it right if I had to do it again. I'd probably mess it up at least 5 times before I got it right. I do the same thing organizing things at home. I have to redo it 5 or 6 times before I get it right, which is why not much gets done at my house. He had to reorganize everything. He said it was fine, but of course he did, cause he's my husband and I was just volunteering. He's not paying me or anything. These are the sorts of things employers always got frustrated with me over and it's why I'm not employable. Both my daughters and my son are just going to have to get used to people thinking they're strange cause they have this messed up mother who can't do things that "normal" mothers can, and she doesn't work as a result, so they're poor people with a mother who sits around at home on her lazy ass, or excuse me, rear end. That's how people are always going to think of me and somehow I have to get to a place where I'm okay with it and so are my kids. I have to accept what I cannot change, as the serenity prayer says, even though most people, even people involved with recovery, are going to think this is something I can change. I can't. I've tried and only gotten yelled at. No one has the patience in our culture to deal with someone like me. Employers in America expect people to be able to think on their feet and make split decisions without help, and I can't do that. They expect people to be able to do simple tasks right the first time. I can't seem to do that. I'll think I can do that. It isn't even a matter of confidence. I went in to Josh's office today very sure that I could do this simple thing that he was asking me to do, so it wasn't that I already believed I would fail, so I did. It's the kind of task I figured I could do without a problem. It's the type of thing I would mostly be doing at the jobs I was applying for, which is why I was applying for those types of jobs. I figured those simple tasks I could manage. It's why I thought I could work retail. I could run a cash register and make change, no problem, and I like people, so I could be friendly and courteous with them, but I was reminded today by my mistake that this is the sort of thing that happens all the time. I'm just used to it at home and everyone else in my home has adjusted to the lack of organization, so I forget that this is why I am where I am. I was reminded so now I know that I have to stay at home where I'm safe and won't be criticized for doing things wrong all the time. I won't be constantly torn down. I'm a decent mother. My kids feel loved and are fairly well disciplined for the most part, so I can do that and that's going to have to be good enough for the people around me. If it's not I'm going to have to learn to accept that that's their problem and not mine. That's the part I'm not sure I'll ever get used to. I think I'll always be sad, because I'm so disappointed in myself, cause I thought I could be better than I am. I thought I could be what others call normal. I'm going to have to get used to the misunderstanding and rude comments about how lazy I am and how I'm not serving my family as I should. I really don't think I can do that. I feel like a failure.

I couldn't help but laugh when someone on facebook commented that I didn't think I could drive before either and now I'm a better driver than she is. That was hilarious, because I'm not! It took me years to get down the basic skills of driving, where most people it only takes a few months or even weeks, to be able to take the driver's test, and I still can't parallel park or drive a stick shift. I have a hard time remembering to look in my rearview mirror or check everyplace where there might be other cars coming to check for traffic. I have a hard time judging how much space I have to pull out when parking and as a result do a lot of backing up and pulling back forward to get out of parking spaces, frustrating other drivers that are waiting for me to pull out. I'm the biggest cause of road rage in Idaho. Or more like parking lot rage. I've had so many fender benders that at one point my insurance was dropped. Every fender bender I've been in was entirely my fault. My husband won't let me drive his car, as a result, cause he needs a nice looking vehicle, not one that's all dented up, for the work that he does. Most of my fender benders have not involved another driver, so we haven't even bothered reporting them. I've backed into poles and scraped my car on the poles marking the edge of the gas pumps at gas stations. Good thing they have those there. I'd probly take out the pumps!!! They probably have those there because of crazy people like me, who shouldn't ever be given driver's licenses and turned loose out on the streets. Just a little glimpse into this hopeless loser's life.