Major Failure

Well, I'm feeling much better today (not real good, but better) because I've finally decided once and for all not to ever get a job outside the home. Don't even bug me about it. I went to my husband's office this afternoon to help him with his busy work, secretary kind of stuff. He had me putting labels on envelopes and organizing them to where you could easily put the right letters into the envelopes that correspond with the names without hunting for them. I totally messed up the organization part of that, because I can't keep enough information inside my head at one time to do that kind of thing. It's not that I'm disobedient. I just can't keep simple instructions straight in my brain long enough to do a task. I actually didn't understand the instructions very well, which were quite simple really and I could see what I did wrong after I messed it up and yet not well enough to do it right if I had to do it again. I'd probably mess it up at least 5 times before I got it right. I do the same thing organizing things at home. I have to redo it 5 or 6 times before I get it right, which is why not much gets done at my house. He had to reorganize everything. He said it was fine, but of course he did, cause he's my husband and I was just volunteering. He's not paying me or anything. These are the sorts of things employers always got frustrated with me over and it's why I'm not employable. Both my daughters and my son are just going to have to get used to people thinking they're strange cause they have this messed up mother who can't do things that "normal" mothers can, and she doesn't work as a result, so they're poor people with a mother who sits around at home on her lazy ass, or excuse me, rear end. That's how people are always going to think of me and somehow I have to get to a place where I'm okay with it and so are my kids. I have to accept what I cannot change, as the serenity prayer says, even though most people, even people involved with recovery, are going to think this is something I can change. I can't. I've tried and only gotten yelled at. No one has the patience in our culture to deal with someone like me. Employers in America expect people to be able to think on their feet and make split decisions without help, and I can't do that. They expect people to be able to do simple tasks right the first time. I can't seem to do that. I'll think I can do that. It isn't even a matter of confidence. I went in to Josh's office today very sure that I could do this simple thing that he was asking me to do, so it wasn't that I already believed I would fail, so I did. It's the kind of task I figured I could do without a problem. It's the type of thing I would mostly be doing at the jobs I was applying for, which is why I was applying for those types of jobs. I figured those simple tasks I could manage. It's why I thought I could work retail. I could run a cash register and make change, no problem, and I like people, so I could be friendly and courteous with them, but I was reminded today by my mistake that this is the sort of thing that happens all the time. I'm just used to it at home and everyone else in my home has adjusted to the lack of organization, so I forget that this is why I am where I am. I was reminded so now I know that I have to stay at home where I'm safe and won't be criticized for doing things wrong all the time. I won't be constantly torn down. I'm a decent mother. My kids feel loved and are fairly well disciplined for the most part, so I can do that and that's going to have to be good enough for the people around me. If it's not I'm going to have to learn to accept that that's their problem and not mine. That's the part I'm not sure I'll ever get used to. I think I'll always be sad, because I'm so disappointed in myself, cause I thought I could be better than I am. I thought I could be what others call normal. I'm going to have to get used to the misunderstanding and rude comments about how lazy I am and how I'm not serving my family as I should. I really don't think I can do that. I feel like a failure.

I couldn't help but laugh when someone on facebook commented that I didn't think I could drive before either and now I'm a better driver than she is. That was hilarious, because I'm not! It took me years to get down the basic skills of driving, where most people it only takes a few months or even weeks, to be able to take the driver's test, and I still can't parallel park or drive a stick shift. I have a hard time remembering to look in my rearview mirror or check everyplace where there might be other cars coming to check for traffic. I have a hard time judging how much space I have to pull out when parking and as a result do a lot of backing up and pulling back forward to get out of parking spaces, frustrating other drivers that are waiting for me to pull out. I'm the biggest cause of road rage in Idaho. Or more like parking lot rage. I've had so many fender benders that at one point my insurance was dropped. Every fender bender I've been in was entirely my fault. My husband won't let me drive his car, as a result, cause he needs a nice looking vehicle, not one that's all dented up, for the work that he does. Most of my fender benders have not involved another driver, so we haven't even bothered reporting them. I've backed into poles and scraped my car on the poles marking the edge of the gas pumps at gas stations. Good thing they have those there. I'd probly take out the pumps!!! They probably have those there because of crazy people like me, who shouldn't ever be given driver's licenses and turned loose out on the streets. Just a little glimpse into this hopeless loser's life.