My Heart Is Full...Of So Many Emotions

I know I shouldn't be writing a blogpost right now, since it's like 1:30 am! I should've been in bed hours ago (and suddenly I'm craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich! What?! I've been craving those a lot lately! What is up with that!), but my heart is so full right now. I read Beth Moore's blog, talking about someone very special to her ministry, going to be with the Lord this week, which reminded me of my sweet Dave, that I'm sure many of you remember me talking about on here a couple of times, who I lost to cancer a few years ago. Made me cry again, cause I miss him, and because I'm so grateful for the influence he had in my life to come to know Christ. Then, I hopped over here to see comments on my blog, which of course, were mostly from Jenny! One of the things I've done to help me not be so unhappy about not getting comments is, I've put a thing up on my blog that tells me how many visitors I've had! I love it when I hop on from time to time and see that that numbers gone up! That way at least I know you're reading, even if you're not commenting, but I do like to see comments from time to time! Otherwise, I get a little lonely on the other side of this keyboard, and you wouldn't want that :) No pressure or anything :)

I just want you all to know, I'm in love!!!! No, I'm not cheating on my husband!!! I have fallen in love with him all over again this week, too, though, but that's nothing new! That happens almost every week! I thought I loved him before, now I love him more! Or, he did something to irritate me and I was mad at him, but then he turned right around and proved he's still totally awesome, so I'm in love again! Or, I just looked at him just right and saw that unbelievably handsome man I married almost 15 years ago! That's much easier to do these days after he's lost so much weight! But no, this is not about him! This is about my True Knight In Shining Armor, who can do know wrong, even if I accuse Him of it at times, the one who swept me off my feet at the ripe young age of 20 and does it over and over and over again in ways I never would have expected! He's truly a romantic! He really is! You should read some of the stuff in the bible! Ain't nobody as much of a romantic as this Guy! He calls me His Bride, says He's "enthralled by my beauty." Oh, yes! He's my Prince of Peace, King Jesus! I am more in love with Him tonight (morning?) than I ever have been before! I couldn't explain it to you even if it wasn't 1:40 am and I should be sleeping! Don't know if I can sleep my heart is so full! Can't win on that one it seems. I'm either devastated and can't sleep or I'm exhilarated and can't sleep....or....whatever! You fill in the blank. I'm feeling like my heart is going to burst and I'm at peace at the moment, so who knows. Maybe I'll just pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow! First I have to put my head on the pillow to find out! Good night!

Packing And The Drama Of Driving

I seriously never before have wished more than I do right now that we hadn't lost the chord to the camera, so I could charge it and take pictures! I just read about Keith and Beth Moore moving out of their home of 27 years on the LPM blog and she had all sorts of pictures of things that had memories attached to them! I've found so many things here that I wish I could do that with! Unlike her, I don't have my husband experiencing this with me! He's busy getting work stuff taken care of to leave for the next DE here. And, of course, he will be cleaning out his office. He'll actually be going from an actual office to a cubicle! That almost seems like a step down! I mean, it's about the same size as the tiny office he has here, but without the privacy of an actual door, you know what I mean!?! I would find working in a cubicle very distracting and difficult to get any work done, with all the other people around you, but that's me for you. Like I've mentioned before, ADD. It's also in a very busy part of town. We kept hearing sirens and other things outside. It's right across the street from the Spokane Arena for those of you who are familiar with the area. Yeah, the emergency vehicles go right by his window to go just about anywhere it seems. I'm imagining those type of vehicles going by that area is probably a pretty regular thing. It could just be we were there at a bad time and something major had just happened! Anyway, obviously, also, I have not lived here 27 years! That would mean I moved in when I was 10 since I'll be 37 in just two days! Yes, you may send me gifts :) I'm not shy! I'm actually hoping, along with a new set of earphones for my iPod, since mine have a short, good ones with good quality sound, not the cheap ones I usually buy, that my man will buy me a new power chord for my camera :) Yes, he does read this blog, so I am hinting. I know because of the move we don't have a lot of money to spare. We're going to be spending a lot of it on like a new washing machine, and some furniture, things like that (that's going to make up for the jacuzzi bath he never hooked up that was supposed to be for my 31st birthday :)) This would be why I'm asking for practical things like power chords. Besides it only seems appropriate since he did buy me the camera last year for my birthday :) I really over use that smile, don't I?

Anyway, back to the packing thing. I had to clean out my car the other day, because we had to sell that *sniff sniff* I found a t-shirt I bought Angela a long time ago, that probably would have fit Chloe now, but it was filthy from being in the back of my car for so long. It wasn't stinky or moldy or anything so I probably could have saved it, but against my better judgment I threw it away! I just didn't want something that dirty in my washing machine when I have so many other things to wash right now! I felt like I ought to have a ceremony for it, though! It was heart wrenching throwing it in that barrel. It had a picture of a coffee mug and a little bubble that said, "sugar?" It had another bubble in another corner that said, "No thanks!" and in the center in big letters it said, "I'm Sweet Enough Already" *sniff sniff*

I also felt we should have a service for my car! I know it's just a 1995 Subaru Legacy, but you have no idea what this car has taken me through! To put it in perspective for you, do you remember your first car? The first car you ever owned? All yours, no else's or at least you were the primary driver? That's what this car was for me! My first car. And it might have had extra special meaning to me, because as some of you have probably figured out, I have many, many fears!!! I'm basically scared of everything and one of those things was driving. Really, even of learning how to drive, or more like, being afraid to prove I can't learn how to drive, or do anything else for that matter. Of proving that my parents were right about me. I really am a no-good for nothing loser, who can't do anything right. I am stupid. All those things they said about me. I didn't want to prove them right...again! So, I was afraid to try. I'm still afraid to try new things. I'm afraid of not being perfect, which is what was expected of me, so I finally got my driver's license in October of 2008. This was monumental for me! This was after I don't know how many driver's permits, including the one's I had in high school, that never translated into me taking the test, which scared me most of all. Some guy, staring at my every move and marking things down on paper while I attempted to drive and remember all the things I needed to remember. I'm still not a good driver, but I got my license, and as long as I don't get caught in a tight place where I have to back up or turn around, I usually do okay. I've gotten in a few fender benders with that car in a short time and God has been gracious most of the time, in having it be with people who didn't want to report it. Phew! It was my fault always, so it mostly would have hurt me! I did get a misdemeanor charge once for hitting someone. No fun! God provided miraculously for that one by an anonymous person at church leaving some money for us! Thank you, Jesus! I learned how to drive through many tears, panic attacks, and sometimes deep depressions after a particularly hard driving lesson that I felt I failed miserably at! I often gave up only to eventually (sometimes months later) start again. I got devastatingly discouraged and down on myself. I still do in regards to driving. I'm still not comfortable driving, especially if there's a lot of heavy traffic, which is one reason we decided to sell the car. If I won't drive unless I absolutely have to in Moscow, I'm not driving at all in Spokane for a while. I might try occasionally, with Josh in his Santa Fe. I'll definitely keep up my license, which means I'll be getting a Washington license in a few months. After I just renewed my Idaho license at that! Sheesh! I hope a Washington license isn't too expensive! And I hope I only have to take a written test to get my Washington license. Can you imagine me taking a driver's test in Spokane!!! Yikes!! We'll find out all that soon enough. For awhile I'll be walking and riding the bus, though. But yes, I want to keep my license just in case.

Job Search And Feeling Completely Stuck

Considering the incredibly raw emotional state I am in right now, I probably shoudn't be on here at all. No, we are not starting the New Year very well at all! My daughter pointed out all the things we could really use that we can't afford this last week while she and I were shopping and of course, all of the really wonderful, really not very expensive things I would love to have, if not for the lack of money. She tried to remind me (I still don't remember this) that I promised her I'd get a job this year. I think what I promised is that I'd try to get a job at Bumpers, the "arcade" in the mall, but they went out of business. There really wasn't anywhere else I felt capable of working and then while at Claire's the thought popped into my head and out of my mouth (I've really got to stop doing that!) that this would be a really fun place to work. No way was I going to ask for an app then. First impressions are very important and I had no makeup on and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Not even like a nice t-shirt, cause I did notice that many of the employees at the mall were also wearing jeans and t-shirts, but form-fitting, stylish t-shirts and really stylish jeans (which I don't even think they make in my size!). I have not gotten any apps from the mall, but I did fill in an application for the new Wal-Mart, online, and I failed the assessment, so they won't even consider me for employment. I know I'm in trouble if I can't be considered for employment at Wal-Mart. I also just finished filling out a job application for the Dollar Tree. They are also hiring. I will not do fast food or any type of food service. Way too stressful! It's bad enough I have to work around human beings. I don't know how I'm even going to get through the application process and all. My husband has finally convinced me that I have to go to job services and ask for help. I guess I'll tell them that I really have no skills and I'm not very smart and have had not had good experiences in work places. I'm also not strong enough for most manual labor jobs. I'm severely limited. That pretty much limits me to retail, which dealing with customers doesn't thrill me. My stomach is in knots. I can barely eat and I can't sleep. I know the past isn't supposed to affect me, but I'm sorry. It does. I'm scared out of my mind and I'm sorry if my feelings are sinful. This is what I have been taught by the Christian Counselors I've seen. That often, even my feelings are sinful. I have tried to argue that our feelings just are and that only what we do with our feelings is sinful, but they insist that no, even just feeling the things we feel is sometimes sinful. So, if that's sinful, I'm screwed, cause I really can't help how I feel. I've realized with reading my Changes That Heal book today that's my problem to begin with. I've never experienced unconditional love. I've never been loved and accepted by another human being exactly the way I am. Their way of loving me has been to just want to change me. They couldn't just accept me right where I was at and let me work through those feelings. I even find that most Christians do the whole "You 'shouldn't' feel that way," kind of thing and then when you admit that you don't trust God in a particular area, they condemn you by trying to immediately tell you what you 'should' do and by telling you all the reasons why you are not experiencing God's mercy here or there. It's not helpful and it's not loving. It's hurtful and makes me feel that there is no hope for me at all. I'm crying my way through this book by the way and it does frustrate me in that he does seem to be saying we need to be able to experience grace and forgiveness from God's people, for healing, which I am not experiencing in the town I live in now, which it looks like I will be here at least until my kids graduate and that's WAAAAYYYY too long. I know I need to trust God to bring me what I need here, but that's hard to do when I've been further hurt by so many here. Most uninitentionally. They're just ignorant to being able to see that 'should' is not helpful. Trying to change me instead of listening, loving and gently steering, like Jesus did, is the best way. I can't help but notice He never feels the need to tell all those sinners He spent time with what they 'should' be doing. He just loved them, listened to them, asked questions and made small suggestions, really not even suggestions. I don't remember Him giving any other commands other than to love. Hmmm, makes you wonder why we're all trying to change people when even Jesus, the only one who really can change anyone, never did. He healed by loving and touching, not by lecturing.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 8

My heart is pretty raw this morning. I've been afraid of other's misunderstanding of me. People who will not understand why I have to be alone right now. Why I can only trust my heart to Jesus, alone, right now. I can trust a little bit of it to you, because you are not so close to me that you can hurt me. I can turn this computer off and what you think no longer matters, cause most of you I don't have to live with. I don't have to go to church with you. I don't have to see you at the grocery store. And really, you're very unlikely to talk to me about something you read on my blog, even if you are a part of my "normal" life. And really, most of the time, it isn't that I don't trust people to know my story. It's that I don't trust them to react in a compassionate way at the moment they hear it. I'm afraid of your flesh and blood in my presence, and what you would do if I said something you'd never heard. What would you do or say, if I started sobbing right in front of you, like I often do in prayer and behind this computer screen and during my devotional time? Will you think I'm ridiculous and I need to just buck up and get over it? Cause, I've been told that by well-meaning Christians. They don't get it. I'm afraid of being misunderstood and getting the wrong counsel, that will only further hurt me, which is what I've experienced from many.

My Kids "Big" Personality And Me, Struggling

I'm pretty sure Angela took this picture. She absolutely loves taking pictures. I'm pretty sure she's going to take photography classes the first chance she gets! And I KNOW she took these pictures of her egg, Bob. Bob got eaten, but not for a long time. We buy eggs in bulk. They have these large crate things stacked on each other at WinCo and that's how we buy them. Josh and I being on a high protein diet, eat a lot of eggs, so that's why. Angela decided to draw on this one and name it Bob. She then put it back into the refridgerator. Neither Josh or I had the heart to eat it for a very long time. I smiled every time I opened the refridgerator and saw "Bob" all by himself with all the eggs around him already eaten. Bob is gone now, so I'm assuming Josh finally ate him. "Bob" couldn't live forever, after all:)

It's exhausting having kids with such big personalities, but it's also really fun. I do understand why my mom decided to crush my spirit rather than enjoy my God-given personality, but somehow I can't do that with my kids. While it is exhausting, it's also a blast and why I love them so much. It is hard to teach them to behave appropriately in public. Sometimes it's okay to be crazy and sometimes it isn't. I, myself, as I've begun to revive my "big" personality have a hard tiem learning how to control myself. I was shut up inside myself for so long, it's hard to know when to "let it all out" and when to hold back. It's also hard to let myself just be sad sometimes and cry. It's hard to know who to trust and when to do it. And sometimes I hold back for so long that I can't when it is appropriate and I should. It's very frustrating. I've been dealing a lot with the fact that I couldn't cry in my home growing up and I never received comfort from anyone. In fact, my pain was never affirmed. I was always told to "quit being a baby" and that it wasn't that big a deal. ALWAYS! Whether it was a pet that had died or my boyfriend raping me. It wasn't a big deal and wasn't okay to cry about it. I just had to suck it up and get on with life. I couldn't. After one thing after another and so much pain buried inside of me, I couldn't keep it together and I still can't. I am in a great deal of pain over the fact that I'm not supposed to hurt and I'm not supposed to wish I had a real flesh and blood mother whose lap I could crawl into and cry, and not even really have a reason for it, except that I never got to as a child. And then, I realize that I'm way too old for that, and it's too late. And that hurts, sooooo much, I can't even tell you. I wish I was okay being me, but I'm not. I wish I was okay dealing with these things on my own, but I'm not. However, I'm not okay dealing with them in front of people either. I'm ashamed even to admit that I have this need for flesh and blood to comfort me and be there for me emotionally. I'm not supposed to need that. I'm supposed to be my happy, sanguine self, all the time.