What An Amazing God!

I must admit sometimes it's a comment from one of you that prompts me a little. It's so hard sometimes, because I have so many things on my heart all at the same time. It's moments like these that I realize that despite everything, my past, the years I spent shoving every substance down my throat or into my lungs that I could get my hands on to numb the pain, all of it. Despite all of it and how hard I tried to self-destruct, my life is truly amazing and a miracle from God!!! Call it what you want, but I KNOW who dug me out of addiction! No one but God could have done that! By the time I came to Christ in college when I was stoned all I could think about was where my next joint was coming from. It kills me to think where I might have gone next if God hadn't grabbed my heart that fall of 1995! I do remember asking people about Crack-Cocaine at that time and inquiring as to what that was like *cringe* Clearly I was getting to a point where the lighter drugs were not doing it for me anymore. Thank You, JESUS for sending exactly the people I needed at that time to show me (not just tell me) that there's a very real God who LOVES me!!!! I'm a very tangible, hands on kind of person! Words alone don't do it for me (although obviously I love words!). I need you to prove it to me. I think most of us do. Especially after all I had been through. I had heard the words "I love you" more than I like to think about, but really they only loved my body and what I could do for them! Prove it! Prove to me that you mean what you say! It's amazing to me how many tangible ways God has shown me that He loves me. He first loved me through the father-figure, Dave, taking an interest in me, even when he knew about the drugs and the promiscuous behavior!

What an amazing God!

Then, he introduced me to Josh Paparazzo! He's used that man more in my life than you could ever know or understand! From the moment I almost called off our wedding, because I feared being in a sexual relationship again. He told me the wedding night wasn't that important. That if I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. He wouldn't push me. We'd take as long as I needed and he'd be gentle. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, even if we never consummated our marriage!

What an amazing God!

(Obviously we consummated our marriage :))

Then, through my children! I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up feeling so down on myself, and my sweet toddler at the time and morning girl (Ugh! Those people oughtta be shot! jk) would climb into bed next to me, run her fingers through my hair and say, "Mommy, you're the most beautiful Mommy in the whole world!" And she meant it! She even challenged our neighbors to disagree with her! She'd go up to them with her hands on her hips and say matter-of-factly, "My mommy's the most beautiful mommy in the whole world!" And I mean, she was dramatic about it, like she was just daring them to try and disagree with her! I was the most beautiful (the fairest in the land) and no way was she wrong! I'm pretty sure she believes it to this day! That was my middle child, Angela.

What an amazing God!

My children grew and eventually, one by one each came to know Christ and was baptized! My son, who loves God's Word, almost as much as I do (Reading and hearing God's Word was the first time I can recall being told that I was anything other than a total loser. Oh, some never said anything really bad about me, but not super good, either!) was doing a bible study on his own that he had won at a VBS and he came up to me one day and said, "Mom, I have an assignment for my bible study. I'm supposed to thank one person who influenced my life for Christ, so mom, thank you for teaching me to love Jesus." It may have been an assignment, but I knew he meant it and I nearly bawled. That was around the same time that my daughter Angela had decided she wanted to be baptized and on the day she was baptized our pastor came up to me and said, "I just wanted you to know that when Angela and I met she told me some really wonderful things she learned from her mother." This was truly too much for me. How could this messed up, alcoholic mama ever have taught her children anything of the Lord? He was amazed at her understanding and knowledge of scripture.

What an amazing God!

And then, Chloe came into my life at a time when I'd completely given up hope on ever being a good mother. I was just going through the motions, trying to get through. Had given up trying to kill myself or get healed. I was just doing what I had to do. When I found out I was pregnant I was so mad at God. We weren't planning on having a third at that time. I asked God why he was giving me this child. Wasn't it bad enough I was already screwing up two? Why did He want to give me a third to mess up? Chloe was such an easy baby and she even made caring for the other two easier. I can't really explain how she did, but she did. I remember one day about a week after she'd come home from the hospital, right after doing the assembly line, changing all 3 of them, cause they had poopy diapers at the same time (wasn't that convenient), that I was doing this mom thing and I was doing a good job. A wonderful feeling came over me that I had not felt in a long time. I had no idea, but Chloe was a gift to me. I always thought that God gave children to parents, because those children needed that parent, but this parent needed that child!

What an amazing God!

As if that weren't enough she grew to be the biggest sanguine you've ever met in your life! If you look up the word sanguine you'll see a picture of Chloe's face right next to it! She IS the definition of sanguine! She and Angela are still the biggest cheerleaders I have! (Big for short people anyway :)) She bounces around and laughs and smiles all day long. She's really hard to be depressed around! Sometimes when it gets really bad, even she can't make me smile. In fact, she irritates me, but generally, she makes me smile, and sometimes even laugh almost every day!

What an amazing God!

My son is brilliant and he loves his mama with all his heart! Even at 13 years of age he still hugs me in public! He tells his friend's he's mama's boy and he's proud of it!

What an amazing God!

My husband has stood by me for almost 15 years of some of the worst times I've ever seen and he still has eyes for not another woman. I'm telling you he doesn't even notice other women. No, I'm not kidding. We were at a restaurant once and a woman walked by that I swear looked like she'd just stepped off the cover of a magazine, and I said, "Wow! Did you see that lady? She was stunning!" I seriously wouldn't have blamed him for noticing. He's married, he's not blind! I notice good-looking guys when I see them sometimes. But he said, "What lady?" He was serious. He had no clue what I was talking about. I then knew that the man with the visions who told me that he had a vision about my husband and did I know that Josh is so incredibly faithful to me that he doesn't even notice other women. He only sees me. I seriously have the man who only has eyes for one, and that's me.

What an amazing God!

As if His dying on the cross weren't enough, He did all this for me! And I'm sure if I really thought about it I could go on and on and on! This move, our house selling right away, my car selling, us finding a great house, so quickly. I'm shaking my head right now.

What an amazing God!

Job Search And Feeling Completely Stuck

Considering the incredibly raw emotional state I am in right now, I probably shoudn't be on here at all. No, we are not starting the New Year very well at all! My daughter pointed out all the things we could really use that we can't afford this last week while she and I were shopping and of course, all of the really wonderful, really not very expensive things I would love to have, if not for the lack of money. She tried to remind me (I still don't remember this) that I promised her I'd get a job this year. I think what I promised is that I'd try to get a job at Bumpers, the "arcade" in the mall, but they went out of business. There really wasn't anywhere else I felt capable of working and then while at Claire's the thought popped into my head and out of my mouth (I've really got to stop doing that!) that this would be a really fun place to work. No way was I going to ask for an app then. First impressions are very important and I had no makeup on and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Not even like a nice t-shirt, cause I did notice that many of the employees at the mall were also wearing jeans and t-shirts, but form-fitting, stylish t-shirts and really stylish jeans (which I don't even think they make in my size!). I have not gotten any apps from the mall, but I did fill in an application for the new Wal-Mart, online, and I failed the assessment, so they won't even consider me for employment. I know I'm in trouble if I can't be considered for employment at Wal-Mart. I also just finished filling out a job application for the Dollar Tree. They are also hiring. I will not do fast food or any type of food service. Way too stressful! It's bad enough I have to work around human beings. I don't know how I'm even going to get through the application process and all. My husband has finally convinced me that I have to go to job services and ask for help. I guess I'll tell them that I really have no skills and I'm not very smart and have had not had good experiences in work places. I'm also not strong enough for most manual labor jobs. I'm severely limited. That pretty much limits me to retail, which dealing with customers doesn't thrill me. My stomach is in knots. I can barely eat and I can't sleep. I know the past isn't supposed to affect me, but I'm sorry. It does. I'm scared out of my mind and I'm sorry if my feelings are sinful. This is what I have been taught by the Christian Counselors I've seen. That often, even my feelings are sinful. I have tried to argue that our feelings just are and that only what we do with our feelings is sinful, but they insist that no, even just feeling the things we feel is sometimes sinful. So, if that's sinful, I'm screwed, cause I really can't help how I feel. I've realized with reading my Changes That Heal book today that's my problem to begin with. I've never experienced unconditional love. I've never been loved and accepted by another human being exactly the way I am. Their way of loving me has been to just want to change me. They couldn't just accept me right where I was at and let me work through those feelings. I even find that most Christians do the whole "You 'shouldn't' feel that way," kind of thing and then when you admit that you don't trust God in a particular area, they condemn you by trying to immediately tell you what you 'should' do and by telling you all the reasons why you are not experiencing God's mercy here or there. It's not helpful and it's not loving. It's hurtful and makes me feel that there is no hope for me at all. I'm crying my way through this book by the way and it does frustrate me in that he does seem to be saying we need to be able to experience grace and forgiveness from God's people, for healing, which I am not experiencing in the town I live in now, which it looks like I will be here at least until my kids graduate and that's WAAAAYYYY too long. I know I need to trust God to bring me what I need here, but that's hard to do when I've been further hurt by so many here. Most uninitentionally. They're just ignorant to being able to see that 'should' is not helpful. Trying to change me instead of listening, loving and gently steering, like Jesus did, is the best way. I can't help but notice He never feels the need to tell all those sinners He spent time with what they 'should' be doing. He just loved them, listened to them, asked questions and made small suggestions, really not even suggestions. I don't remember Him giving any other commands other than to love. Hmmm, makes you wonder why we're all trying to change people when even Jesus, the only one who really can change anyone, never did. He healed by loving and touching, not by lecturing.