What An Amazing God!

I must admit sometimes it's a comment from one of you that prompts me a little. It's so hard sometimes, because I have so many things on my heart all at the same time. It's moments like these that I realize that despite everything, my past, the years I spent shoving every substance down my throat or into my lungs that I could get my hands on to numb the pain, all of it. Despite all of it and how hard I tried to self-destruct, my life is truly amazing and a miracle from God!!! Call it what you want, but I KNOW who dug me out of addiction! No one but God could have done that! By the time I came to Christ in college when I was stoned all I could think about was where my next joint was coming from. It kills me to think where I might have gone next if God hadn't grabbed my heart that fall of 1995! I do remember asking people about Crack-Cocaine at that time and inquiring as to what that was like *cringe* Clearly I was getting to a point where the lighter drugs were not doing it for me anymore. Thank You, JESUS for sending exactly the people I needed at that time to show me (not just tell me) that there's a very real God who LOVES me!!!! I'm a very tangible, hands on kind of person! Words alone don't do it for me (although obviously I love words!). I need you to prove it to me. I think most of us do. Especially after all I had been through. I had heard the words "I love you" more than I like to think about, but really they only loved my body and what I could do for them! Prove it! Prove to me that you mean what you say! It's amazing to me how many tangible ways God has shown me that He loves me. He first loved me through the father-figure, Dave, taking an interest in me, even when he knew about the drugs and the promiscuous behavior!

What an amazing God!

Then, he introduced me to Josh Paparazzo! He's used that man more in my life than you could ever know or understand! From the moment I almost called off our wedding, because I feared being in a sexual relationship again. He told me the wedding night wasn't that important. That if I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. He wouldn't push me. We'd take as long as I needed and he'd be gentle. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, even if we never consummated our marriage!

What an amazing God!

(Obviously we consummated our marriage :))

Then, through my children! I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up feeling so down on myself, and my sweet toddler at the time and morning girl (Ugh! Those people oughtta be shot! jk) would climb into bed next to me, run her fingers through my hair and say, "Mommy, you're the most beautiful Mommy in the whole world!" And she meant it! She even challenged our neighbors to disagree with her! She'd go up to them with her hands on her hips and say matter-of-factly, "My mommy's the most beautiful mommy in the whole world!" And I mean, she was dramatic about it, like she was just daring them to try and disagree with her! I was the most beautiful (the fairest in the land) and no way was she wrong! I'm pretty sure she believes it to this day! That was my middle child, Angela.

What an amazing God!

My children grew and eventually, one by one each came to know Christ and was baptized! My son, who loves God's Word, almost as much as I do (Reading and hearing God's Word was the first time I can recall being told that I was anything other than a total loser. Oh, some never said anything really bad about me, but not super good, either!) was doing a bible study on his own that he had won at a VBS and he came up to me one day and said, "Mom, I have an assignment for my bible study. I'm supposed to thank one person who influenced my life for Christ, so mom, thank you for teaching me to love Jesus." It may have been an assignment, but I knew he meant it and I nearly bawled. That was around the same time that my daughter Angela had decided she wanted to be baptized and on the day she was baptized our pastor came up to me and said, "I just wanted you to know that when Angela and I met she told me some really wonderful things she learned from her mother." This was truly too much for me. How could this messed up, alcoholic mama ever have taught her children anything of the Lord? He was amazed at her understanding and knowledge of scripture.

What an amazing God!

And then, Chloe came into my life at a time when I'd completely given up hope on ever being a good mother. I was just going through the motions, trying to get through. Had given up trying to kill myself or get healed. I was just doing what I had to do. When I found out I was pregnant I was so mad at God. We weren't planning on having a third at that time. I asked God why he was giving me this child. Wasn't it bad enough I was already screwing up two? Why did He want to give me a third to mess up? Chloe was such an easy baby and she even made caring for the other two easier. I can't really explain how she did, but she did. I remember one day about a week after she'd come home from the hospital, right after doing the assembly line, changing all 3 of them, cause they had poopy diapers at the same time (wasn't that convenient), that I was doing this mom thing and I was doing a good job. A wonderful feeling came over me that I had not felt in a long time. I had no idea, but Chloe was a gift to me. I always thought that God gave children to parents, because those children needed that parent, but this parent needed that child!

What an amazing God!

As if that weren't enough she grew to be the biggest sanguine you've ever met in your life! If you look up the word sanguine you'll see a picture of Chloe's face right next to it! She IS the definition of sanguine! She and Angela are still the biggest cheerleaders I have! (Big for short people anyway :)) She bounces around and laughs and smiles all day long. She's really hard to be depressed around! Sometimes when it gets really bad, even she can't make me smile. In fact, she irritates me, but generally, she makes me smile, and sometimes even laugh almost every day!

What an amazing God!

My son is brilliant and he loves his mama with all his heart! Even at 13 years of age he still hugs me in public! He tells his friend's he's mama's boy and he's proud of it!

What an amazing God!

My husband has stood by me for almost 15 years of some of the worst times I've ever seen and he still has eyes for not another woman. I'm telling you he doesn't even notice other women. No, I'm not kidding. We were at a restaurant once and a woman walked by that I swear looked like she'd just stepped off the cover of a magazine, and I said, "Wow! Did you see that lady? She was stunning!" I seriously wouldn't have blamed him for noticing. He's married, he's not blind! I notice good-looking guys when I see them sometimes. But he said, "What lady?" He was serious. He had no clue what I was talking about. I then knew that the man with the visions who told me that he had a vision about my husband and did I know that Josh is so incredibly faithful to me that he doesn't even notice other women. He only sees me. I seriously have the man who only has eyes for one, and that's me.

What an amazing God!

As if His dying on the cross weren't enough, He did all this for me! And I'm sure if I really thought about it I could go on and on and on! This move, our house selling right away, my car selling, us finding a great house, so quickly. I'm shaking my head right now.

What an amazing God!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 15

Well, today, I finished reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. It got me to thinking about what it was that finally attracted me to Christ. I knew many people who professed to be Christians growing up, so why did it take me 20 years to receive Christ?

Good question. I'm so glad you asked :) I think I've figured it out. For many, many years I've only felt judged by other Christians. They told me that my promiscuous lifestyle was wrong, that my drinking was bad, my smoking was bad, and the drugs I used, downright evil. Now, I agree, all of those are true, but I do not believe that focusing on the unbeliever's sin is helpful. Of course, they sin. They can't help it. They do not have the power to stop sinning, and someone who just always tells you how bad you are, is not attractive. It doesn't make people want to know you. Now, obviously, I understand that a person has to realize they're a sinner to receive Christ, but deep down, I think they already know that. I remember the feeling that I was rebelling the first time I smoked a cigarette. It was invigorating, because I knew my parents would hate it. I remember having a sense that I'd done something I shouldn't have when I slept with my boyfriend for the first time. Now, how would I know that? I'm having a really hard time finding the verse in my bible right now, but I believe there is a verse in there that says that all people have God's law written on their hearts. We all have a sense of right and wrong. It's why we have laws against killing people! We know, somewhere, deep in our hearts, that it's wrong, to harm another human being. Now, when I did those things, I wouldn't have told you that I knew it was wrong. I wanted to believe that it was right, that I was right, but at a deeper level, I knew it was wrong. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now, but I know what I'm talking about :)

My point is, I'm not sure, that as Christians, it is our job to confront an unbeliever's sin. I think that's God's job and God's job alone. It just comes across as being judgmental when we do it. I think our job is to love the person, as Jesus loves them, just as they are. I realized that when I came to Christ, I had an older gentleman that sort of felt like a father figure to me, in my life. He was a Christian, of course, and he knew about the sin that I was involved in. He knew about the drugs and the sex, all of it. Or at least most of it. Enough, that if he was like most Christians I had met before going to college, he wouldn't have even given me the time of day. As it is, he didn't even mention the drugs or any of that too me, directly. I only knew that he knew, because I knew that a friend of mine, who was concerned about me, was talking to him about her concerns, and asking him to pray for me. Never once did he bring it up in my presence. In fact, when he first started conversing with me, I didn't my friend had been telling him about me, and I remember thinking, while talking to this incredibly godly man, in full-time ministry, "Do you know who I am? Because if you knew who I was you wouldn't be talking to me? At least not while actually looking me in the eye and clearly being very interested in me." It was shocking to me to find out that he knew exactly who I was, and he still loved me. He still cared about me. He wanted to know how my classes were going that semester, what my interests were. He really listened to me. He cared about me. I honestly don't remember exactly what we talked about in our conversations. It didn't matter. I was just fascinated by the fact that he cared! About someone as insignificant as me! As deeply steeped in sin as I was! Who was this man and who was his God? I wanted to know! For the first time in my life, I really wanted to know who this Jesus really was, cause clearly, this man's Jesus, was very different from the Jesus I thought I knew about! The Jesus I knew growing up, was this mean guy in the sky, waiting for me to screw up, so He could pound on me! This man showed me a different Jesus. This man showed me a Jesus that loved me exactly the way I was and cared about me. He didn't enjoy punishing me. He only wanted to help me, because He loved me. I'd never seen that Jesus before. I wanted that Jesus. I realize now that everything I was doing at that time was me desperately seeking to be loved! I just wanted to be loved! It's what everyone wants! They want to be loved for who they are, not who others want them to be, but truly who they are. In all the drugs, and alcohol, and sex, I was doing what the song says, "looking for love in all the wrong places." This man knew the one who loved me the way I wanted to be loved.

Now, as many of you know, while I did receive Christ as my Lord and Savior during that time, securing my salvation, it has taken me a long time to really begin to grasp that He really does love me like that. He really does care about me. Everything about my life. Not just whether or not, I go to heaven or hell. He cares about my life right now. He cares about my marriage, He cares about my friendships, He cares about my life, here and now. I'm sure I'll spend a lifetime grappling with this. How this completely sinless God could ever love me, of all people, like that. But He does! Wow! What an amazing God! If you've been in places where Christians have been judgmental and you don't know Jesus, let me assure you, that isn't Him. I've been guilty of this, myself. He doesn't care who you are, or where you've been. He loves you anyway, exactly the way you are! That is amazing!