How God Uses Writing To Help Me On My Journey

You know what I love?! Well, anyone who reads this blog, because I adore "talking" which is only fun if someone is "listening" and it just pleases me so much that anyone would want to "listen" to all of my rambling!:) BUT, what I really love is how God uses something I thought was meant to minister to someone else to minister to ME!!! I was told almost a year ago that I should write a book after telling a funny story about something one of my kids had done or I had done or whatever! I don't remember what the story was about, just that it was funny. (I love funny!) I told this friend that I already had written a book that I was then doing more research on and rewriting. I told her "It's a devotional book written from my study of 1 Corinthians."

She said, "No, that's not the book you should be writing. You should write a book about your life."

I replied, incredulously, "My life! Why write a book about my life? Nobody would want to read that! My life is boring!"

She said, "Uhhhhhhh, nooooo, it's not. You're life is fascinating, the things you've experienced, the things your kids say and do. You are always telling funny stories that actually have happened in your life, just like that one. You should write a book telling all those funny stories and other stories from your life of things you've experienced that may not be funny but they're interesting."

I had always been afraid to write my life story, though I'd thought about it, and been told that I should before. Not because of anything positive in my life, but because of my pain. People thought, as much as I love to write, that maybe writing it would be healing for me and possibly someday be able to help someone else. I was waiting for the healing I'd been desperately seeking to occur before I did that, but I decided then that I would put my 1 Corinthians project aside and began writing about my life. Yes, I was still in a lot of pain, but just cause I wrote it didn't mean I had to let anyone else read it! I could just hang onto, possibly editting it later to shine a more positive light on all that had happened to me. So, I began at the beginning talking about my birth, and all of the drama surrounding that. (Yes, it's dramatic when you enter the world with a cataract over your left eye and blind in that eye, and having glaucoma!) I asked God to show me what He wanted me to write. What stories I needed to tell. I've found out that even in those early years of hospital stays and abuse, that my life wasn't just painful. I remembered some really fun and interesting things, like my first horse show when I was five years old where I won a blue ribbon :) It HAS been incredibly healing for me, but not just because I'm "getting out" all the old baggage that has hurt me for years, though, consciously, I try not to even think about it and am usually successful, but this never-ending ache continues on. I'm not saying I don't still hurt; that I don't still need help from God and others to deal with the painful things. It's just neat to see all of the wonderful experiences i had mixed in with that. It's a relief to know that God had good things in my life, even then, when I didn't know Him and didn't want to. He was there even when I rejected Him. He was there in the time I spent with the horses and other animals on the farm. He was there in the times I did participate in sports and not do a sickeningly horrible job. He was there, keeping me sane through it all. He gave me people every now and again who were nice to me and he gave me people who were fun and wanted to have fun with me. No, I didn't have anyone I could call a close friend. I never learned how to talk things through, something I'm still learning; how to share my pain. I'm still not good at it and it feels awkward and weird and the words never come out right. I wish people understood more. I wish I understood more. But God let me have some fun, even while most of the authority figures in my life were only hurting me. I'm still scared to talk about that things that hurt, cause so many have used those very things against me. People I should have been able to trust. I already had trust issues and then they added more. I'm struggling right now and have hardly slept in days. I can feel the bags under my eyes, and they're burning as I toss and turn at night with all the memories that I can't quite come to terms with. I'm so tired and my head hurts. I threw out my neck and apparently hips and back at some point last week, so at times I can't even move my head without excruciating pain. I went to the chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment since I could hardly turn my head at all. It still hurt after he adjusted me and I still didn't have full range of motion. I'm almost back to full range today, but will need to go back in again tomorrow to get adjusted again. So, yes, I'm struggling, but God is so good to me and has helped me remember the good times, too! He's used an old "friend" from my growing up years to help with that. I love her so much and wish we could spend time together in person, but she lives in another town and we both have very busy lives, each with three kids and a husband, and she is a working mom, which I can't even imagine the pressure of! Yet, she stays so positive even when she sometimes gets overwhelmed. Don't we all! Love you, Jenny! And I'm just so glad for all the good that I see in my life!!! God is good and He will and most likely, IS healing me, even if I can't see it right now.

This Is Probably What Happens To Your Brain When You're Moving?

I was going to go ahead and write another blog post (making up for lost time :)), but with all of the kids having dinner and doing homework and all that jazz, my brain sort of went poof! I can't even remember what I was going to write about! I have had so many things on my mind the last few weeks that I've thought, "That would make a great blog post!" You know, if I could stop in the middle of life and write down what I was thinking in that moment and actually be able to find my notes later (cause actually have from time to time) I could write some brilliant blog posts and you all would be impressed and tell your editors (if you have those) and I'd be talking to them about now about possible topics for my next book! (You know....after the one I haven't finished yet :)) ................


Oh.....sorry, you're still there! Coming back to earth! I was just at a book signing in New York City....I'm back now! See, here's the problem with that scenario! As much as I love writing, I'm not very disciplined, live in a small house (probably still will live in a small house in Spokane) and have 3 kids, a cat, and a husband, not in that order. I got the husband first actually. I know, shocking, right?! Does that still happen? I probably should have been the poster child for ADD, so, easily distracted? Forgetful? Yes, all that stuff. And three kids with three very loud and individual personalities makes for a crazy, busy life! And like I said, if I had time to take notes in the middle of the craziness that happens in our house......

I've been told by many who've stopped by to visit in the last year that I should just set up a video camera in a corner somewhere where it won't really be noticed and just video tape our family doing our normal everday activities and start sending them to America's Funniest Home Videos. We'd be millionaires in no time! One of Jeremiah's friend that I used to give rides from basketball and wrestling practice for all the time (before my car died and then we sold it) said he never could wait for the car ride home, cause something funny always happens when I give him a ride. We made him laugh all the way home. It's good to know we have talents!:) Hey, maybe we should video tape us and send it to NBC! It's got to be at least as good as anything they have on now!!!

Anyway, actually, I was going to tell you some of my thoughts while packing and cleaning (not all of them! Some of them were disturbing :)) For one thing, I had no idea you could fit this much stuff in a 66 foot trailer before! You probably can't, but I have a knack for stacking things from the floor to the ceiling! (Not really, but you get the idea.) Also, cleanliness and organization are not in my vocabulary! Could someone explain to me what those mean?! I have found things I didn't even know I owned, and now I don't remember what they were! I do remember thinking, "If I didn't know I owned this I probably don't need it, so I should put it with the stuff going to the Hope Center." But then I thought, "Yeah, but I sure could've used this if I'd known I had it and I can't definitely see where it could be useful again." I also have found things I've been looking for for years!!! I haven't found Chloe's glasses that she lost last fall, though, which I was really hoping would happen! It could still. I've actually barely done anything! It's kind of sad really! I need to get down to business, but it just is so boring! You know, until you found that thing you didn't know you had and wonder where it actually came from.......Hmmmm, never mind. I raised three kids in this house! One from 3 to 13! I probably don't want to know!!!! Some questions are just best left unasked. See, not very disciplined. It's way more fun playing with the kids. Oh, well, that's all I have for now, since having to help Chloe with multiplication has officially fried my brain!

How come no one told me I'd have to do third grade all over again....3 more times.....and all three times I'd fail? I passed the first time!!! What's the deal?! Oh, yeah, my teachers just wanted rid of me. I actually sucked at math then, too!!! I remember now!

Christmas Is Coming!!!!!

I know many of you are probably wondering, at least a little bit, maybe, occasionally, in your busy lives, how my parents have responded to me. And the reason you haven't heard anything is because they haven't. I'm wondering if my mom's even going to buy my kids Christmas presents or if she is going to return the ones she's already gotten and forget about us. I guess I'll find out if she sends Christmas presents or drops them by or something, not that she really has much reason to be going through here anymore. Although, her brother's still live a little ways to the north of us. Her parents are gone now, though, which I mentioned briefly in my last post. I miss having grandparents. No one spoils me anymore :) Of course, I may have just erased the only grandparent my kids had that ever spoiled them, from their lives. Josh's mom hardly ever even buys them anything, let alone come to their events or anything like that and when she does, she doesn't really do anything special for them. I'm sure she would more often if she could. She has a lot of grandchildren, so it's harder for her.

Jeremiah's last basketball game was tonight and my mom never made it up for one of his games. She always makes it a point to come to at least one of his games for whatever season he happens to be in. I think she's done. Of course, there could be other reasons she couldn't come all the way up here for a basketball game. My kids are very excited about establishing new traditions for just our family. Angela, my baker girl (she's been baking like crazy!) is already planning what she's going to do for a birthday cake for Jesus! I was really surprised at how happy they were that we're staying home for Christmas! They told me they have not had fun the last couple of Christmases either, and they just want to spend it with their goofy, fun-loving parents. They don't really care about all the fancy packages and the fancy dinner. If we can't afford to do all that, it's fine with them. I'm thinking of doing it like a real birthday party, complete with streamers, noise makers, and a birthday banner, but of course, with a Christmas tree in the mix, and presents for everyone, even if they are small presents, and stockings!!! Josh informed me he already bought a little something for their stockings. Of course, I can't tell you on here, cause they read my blog :) You'll have to wait, too!

Jeremiah got me the newest Casting Crowns cd. I'd tell you the name of it, but I'd have to get up for that :) Something about a Well. It, of course, has the theme song from the movie Courageous on it, as well as several others that have nearly brought me to tears of gratefulness! I love Casting Crowns music so much! He got this as a pre-Christmas gift. For some reason he's not telling me what he's got coming for me for Christmas :) He got Amazon Gift Cards for the popcorn he sold for Boy Scouts. He's only spent a little of it on himself. The rest he's using to buy Christmas gifts! What an awesome kid, huh?! Angela's planning to do the same with her money from her job cleaning the neighbor's houses. She's also already gotten started. Jeremiah did tell me he has the new Travis Cottrell cd coming for me, but that from his tracking it looks like that one won't be here before Christmas. That's okay. He said he also has something else coming that will be here before Christmas, so I will have at least one surprise package under the tree this year :) After he told me about the Casting Crowns cd, I decided to not ask for hints on any other gifts, cause he's obviously a sucker and I do love surprises!!! And I'm loving that someone in this family obviously speaks my love language :) which is receiving gifts in case you were wondering :) Wow! I've been grinning a lot in this post! I just can't wait for Christmas!!!!!! Well, okay, I haven't done any shopping. I'm still waiting on some money we're supposed to receive, so it can't come toooooo quickly! I have no idea what I'm getting the kids this year!

Oh, and I thought I'd make a correction from a previous post. The book I'm reading is Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud, not Healing Choices. I'm used to Healing Choices because that's the John Baker book used in Celebrate Recovery, or one of the books anyway! I've never actually read it. Just the step study books, which are great also!

Me, Grieving, Alone

Well, the speakers at Women of Faith were awesome as always!!!! I didn't care too much for some of the people I went with as usual. I'm not a big fan of Celebrate Recovery here in Moscow anymore. I do love a few truly wonderful people who go there. Of course, none of them are leaders. What is it with me and leaders? They always seem to misunderstand and judge me, although this time it was mostly one who's not on leadership and thinks she knows me. She doesn't. Most people I find don't even listen to me enough to actually know me. The people who judge me most at Celebrate Recovery are those that aren't even in small group with me, so not only do they not hear me talking about personal things, it's not like 3-5 minutes once a week is enough time of me talking for them to really know me, like they think they do, anyway. Wow! That was a horrifyingly awful run-on sentence! I'm famous for these, but that was really bad! Okay, ADD brain, get back on target. I only knew Lisa Whelchel by name as someone who was a speaker before I went, so she wasn't even one of the speakers I was looking forward to hearing, and yet it was her book I ended up buying, "Friendship for Grown-Ups." If you, like me, had no friends growing up, for whatever reason, I highly recommend it. I've only begun reading it, but I love it, and interestingly enough, she talks about grieving in this book, which I was not expecting. One of the problems I'm having though, is with her assessment that "it's okay to be needy." I find that I'm too needy and this is why I struggle in relationships. It's when I start sharing my struggles, even a little bit, that people either get mean, or run for their lives! This hurts very deeply. As if I didn't need counseling before, I most definitely need it now! But she did give me permission to grieve. Further confirmation for me that I need to grieve the losses in my life! Thirty-six years worth of them, that I have never been allowed to grieve over! Some of these are actual people in my life that have died. Some of these are friendships that were severed and some of it is just things I should have had growing up, like parents who loved me and were affectionate, and talked to me about the things that I was struggling through, instead of me having to go it alone. And of course, all of the abuse! I could be grieving for a while, so if you have a problem with people grieving, you probably don't want to be my friend for many, many years!!!! Hopefully, it won't take 36 years to grieve through 36 years of loss! But I don't think it's going to be overnight either. I wish it would be. It isn't fun for me either. I think the time will be even longer, because I am left alone to grieve, with no one to talk to, because most have indicated in one way or another that they disapprove, and because I've had my trust broken so much over the last several months, I'm finding myself unable to let people close to me, in. Also, there aren't really any Christian Counselors available here, and even the one's that are here, we can't afford. We are down to bare minimum, so I'm stuck. I'm not trusting anyone who is not a professional. I've also quit going to church, cause I'm tired of leaving discouraged and crying. I'm not going to bible study, cause I'm afraid of me talking to much, as usual, and getting hurt. My very personality seems to be wrong. The one I was born with. Anybody who thinks I don't have a sanguine personality, you're wrong. People who knew me when I was little tell me I was a sanguine from the beginning. Years of being torn down took there toll and I became painfully shy, but that's not really who I am! I will not be defined by the me that I became as a result of abuse and depression! I did quit going to Celebrate Recovery, but a friend threatened to kidnap me and drag me there, so I went :) I stuck to her like a leach, and totally avoided talking to certain people but I went.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 15

Well, today, I finished reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. It got me to thinking about what it was that finally attracted me to Christ. I knew many people who professed to be Christians growing up, so why did it take me 20 years to receive Christ?

Good question. I'm so glad you asked :) I think I've figured it out. For many, many years I've only felt judged by other Christians. They told me that my promiscuous lifestyle was wrong, that my drinking was bad, my smoking was bad, and the drugs I used, downright evil. Now, I agree, all of those are true, but I do not believe that focusing on the unbeliever's sin is helpful. Of course, they sin. They can't help it. They do not have the power to stop sinning, and someone who just always tells you how bad you are, is not attractive. It doesn't make people want to know you. Now, obviously, I understand that a person has to realize they're a sinner to receive Christ, but deep down, I think they already know that. I remember the feeling that I was rebelling the first time I smoked a cigarette. It was invigorating, because I knew my parents would hate it. I remember having a sense that I'd done something I shouldn't have when I slept with my boyfriend for the first time. Now, how would I know that? I'm having a really hard time finding the verse in my bible right now, but I believe there is a verse in there that says that all people have God's law written on their hearts. We all have a sense of right and wrong. It's why we have laws against killing people! We know, somewhere, deep in our hearts, that it's wrong, to harm another human being. Now, when I did those things, I wouldn't have told you that I knew it was wrong. I wanted to believe that it was right, that I was right, but at a deeper level, I knew it was wrong. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now, but I know what I'm talking about :)

My point is, I'm not sure, that as Christians, it is our job to confront an unbeliever's sin. I think that's God's job and God's job alone. It just comes across as being judgmental when we do it. I think our job is to love the person, as Jesus loves them, just as they are. I realized that when I came to Christ, I had an older gentleman that sort of felt like a father figure to me, in my life. He was a Christian, of course, and he knew about the sin that I was involved in. He knew about the drugs and the sex, all of it. Or at least most of it. Enough, that if he was like most Christians I had met before going to college, he wouldn't have even given me the time of day. As it is, he didn't even mention the drugs or any of that too me, directly. I only knew that he knew, because I knew that a friend of mine, who was concerned about me, was talking to him about her concerns, and asking him to pray for me. Never once did he bring it up in my presence. In fact, when he first started conversing with me, I didn't my friend had been telling him about me, and I remember thinking, while talking to this incredibly godly man, in full-time ministry, "Do you know who I am? Because if you knew who I was you wouldn't be talking to me? At least not while actually looking me in the eye and clearly being very interested in me." It was shocking to me to find out that he knew exactly who I was, and he still loved me. He still cared about me. He wanted to know how my classes were going that semester, what my interests were. He really listened to me. He cared about me. I honestly don't remember exactly what we talked about in our conversations. It didn't matter. I was just fascinated by the fact that he cared! About someone as insignificant as me! As deeply steeped in sin as I was! Who was this man and who was his God? I wanted to know! For the first time in my life, I really wanted to know who this Jesus really was, cause clearly, this man's Jesus, was very different from the Jesus I thought I knew about! The Jesus I knew growing up, was this mean guy in the sky, waiting for me to screw up, so He could pound on me! This man showed me a different Jesus. This man showed me a Jesus that loved me exactly the way I was and cared about me. He didn't enjoy punishing me. He only wanted to help me, because He loved me. I'd never seen that Jesus before. I wanted that Jesus. I realize now that everything I was doing at that time was me desperately seeking to be loved! I just wanted to be loved! It's what everyone wants! They want to be loved for who they are, not who others want them to be, but truly who they are. In all the drugs, and alcohol, and sex, I was doing what the song says, "looking for love in all the wrong places." This man knew the one who loved me the way I wanted to be loved.

Now, as many of you know, while I did receive Christ as my Lord and Savior during that time, securing my salvation, it has taken me a long time to really begin to grasp that He really does love me like that. He really does care about me. Everything about my life. Not just whether or not, I go to heaven or hell. He cares about my life right now. He cares about my marriage, He cares about my friendships, He cares about my life, here and now. I'm sure I'll spend a lifetime grappling with this. How this completely sinless God could ever love me, of all people, like that. But He does! Wow! What an amazing God! If you've been in places where Christians have been judgmental and you don't know Jesus, let me assure you, that isn't Him. I've been guilty of this, myself. He doesn't care who you are, or where you've been. He loves you anyway, exactly the way you are! That is amazing!

Me, Studying? Who Would've Thunk It....

I'm on the family computer tonight, not the one I put my pictures on tonight, so no pictures tonight. You just get me talking. I know, it scares me, too. The pictures are sort of a crutch and a way for me to remember the good times when things are hard. Two weeks ago (I think?) I found some books I've been wanting, but couldn't afford, used on amazon.com. I ordered 2 books, The NIV Exhaustive Concordance and The Expositor's Commentary Volume 10. That's the volume that includes 1 Corinthians, which many of you know, I have been studying at length all year, and will continue doing. I started over at chapter 1 verses 1-3 in the last few weeks. I also finally sat down and read the entire book straight through once, which is what I should have done in the first place. My concordance has arrived, but I'm still waiting on the commentary. That's okay, cause with the method I'm using, you look at commentaries last, so I don't need it yet anyway. I did need the concordance, though. I haven't used it yet, but I'm sure I will soon. I'm also reading a book I had no idea what so rich, that has been on my bookshelf for years! It's called "Systematic Theology" by Wayne Grudem! What inspired all this studying? Why Beth Moore, of course. Who always inspires me, duh? Well, okay, most of the time she's the one who inspires me. She's the one who inspired me to take up writing again, after having been discouraged so much when I was younger from my first love (writing and reading). Well, not so much reading, but the two sort of go together, it seems. I don't know a single writer who doesn't also love to read! Also, she's the one who got me interested in in-depth bible study. Not just the book version, but actually attempting to glean something from the scriptures through intense studying using other resources myself. I never really cared to do that before. In fact, it took an enormous amount of energy to convince myself to even read the bible! Now, I can't get enough!!! I'm hungry for the Word!!! Thanks, Beth Moore! I don't know how you do it, but you do! Anyway, I'm having a blast and I never thought I'd ever be interested in this sort of thing!

Last Pic of Easter and My New Book

Oh, so prim and proper! Notice the hands in the lamp. She is soooo grown up (she wishes!) They are pretty fantastic, these girls and their brother! So fantastic! They gave me more flowers for Mother's Day than I had vases to put them in! Not too mention the fake one's that they made at church, and the cards....oh, and the chocolate bar my daughter got me. Also, a wonderful mexican dinner! The Vandal Nachos at San Miguel's are sooooo good! Mmmmmmmmm! My love for mexican food grows every day (along with my wasteline, but let's not talk about that)!!!

What have I been up to these days? Well, I'm so glad you asked! I'm writing another book! I know, I know. I haven't even finished the first one, but this one's been a long time coming! This is the one I'd been planning to write at some point since I was in high school! I just really didn't have any hope to offer to go along with it back then! It really came back to me that I should with my new Christian perspective several years ago when I started my recovery through CR. It was brought back to my attention recently that I really should write a book about my life, really more of a compilation of many fun and some not so fun stories from my life. Growing up and raising kids, so that I am doing. I've only made it to kindergarten so far and it's already three pages! And that's with very narrow margins!!! Maybe I'll do a copy-paste thing of a few sections on here of that sometime like I did with the original draft of my first book. Anyway, that and being sick, and being pampered for Mother's Day and having kids on a four day weekend that I had to drag around to keep entertained, has been my life recently!

A Good Week And A New Book

I have to tell you after all of the pain and difficulty I have had this year, I am doing really well, right now. I feel like maybe God is giving me a little reprieve while I am being counseled to strengthen me for whatever is coming next. Cause something is always coming. As Mr. Eldredge pointed out many times in his book (refer to previous post) we were born into a world at war. We are currently involved in spiritual warfare in this world, whether we realize it or not. I think we forget that way to often and get a little too comfortable here and then The Enemy blindsides us. This happens to me a lot, in case you hadn't noticed and I'm getting really sick of it!!! I am doing my very best to study and get it through my head, that I am God's child and He is for me, never against me, so I must always trust Him and not let the Enemy convince me that God does not care about me. He does and it makes me sick that after all these years I could be convinced for one moment that God doesn't have my best interest at heart and so I need to take matters into my own hands! That always leads to disaster! And I think one of the ways that Satan does this is by convincing way too many Christians to not trust their hearts even once they've surrendered them to the Lord.

By the way, the new book I mentioned I will be reading soon is called "relationships: A Mess Worth Making" and it's written by Tim Lane and Paul Tripp. I should be starting this book at some point this weekend I would imagine. Right now, I should be in bed!

"Waking The Dead" by John Eldredge

Again, no pictures. Just me! I finished the book I was reading by John Eldredge called "Waking The Dead." I'd do a complete review on here, but I gave the book back to my friend and counselor, Shari. She's supposed to give me a new book today, that I'm being limited to one chapter a week on. (She figured out that I'm a "ravenous" reader!) This one is called "Relationships." Not sure who it's by. I'll tell you when I get my hands on it! She would have brought it to our session yesterday, but she forgot. She wasn't surprised that I had finished the Eldredge book! She knew I was getting through it fairly quickly! It's a great book, and really I think every Christian should read! It talks about a subject that I think most Christians know somewhere inside of them, but they often doubt, because it's never covered in church! It certainly isn't covered in my church. John Eldredge talks about the heart and he lets us know that in Christ are hearts are good! That might sound unbiblical to you, because we're told so much how our hearts are "desperately evil" and that the "desires of our hearts are only evil all the time." It does say that in the bible, but they're taking it out of context. It's when our hearts and minds are turned away from God that they're evil, and of course, before we know Christ. Hearing this from my pastor so much had made me even doubt my spiritual gifts or even my ability to recognize them or even know what I'm supposed to be doing right now. It made me doubt whether I should be writing or doing anything outside of just being a quiet, well-behaved wife and mother. I'm not even sure if that's possible for me! I've never been quiet or well-behaved by most people's standards! I think I'm occassionally well-behaved by God's standards, but definitely not people's standards! I'm sort of obnoxious. I hope I'm obnoxious for Christ and not against. I've been against Him at times and at those times I'm MISERABLE! I hate it, and quickly turn back in repentance. I think my pastor doubted my repentance to some extent. I don't mean to badmouth my pastor. He's a wonderful, godly man, and a great teacher with a good heart, just like the rest of us who are following Christ with our whole hearts! Do you notice how much I'm emphasizing the heart! It's very important! It's central to our faith! Many like myself have been tempted to shut down our hearts, and I fear that many have, because we feel we can't trust them even in Christ! That is the impression we get when we get told that even once we've received Christ that "the desires of our hearts are only evil all the time." But we can't love God without our hearts. We can't love people without our hearts, which are the two greatest commandments according to Jesus! He wouldn't ask us to do that if our hearts could not be cured in Him! The bible also says that He gives us a new heart. If you still don't believe me look up in your concordance all the times you see the word heart in the bible. I think you'll find that He says a whole lot of positive things about the heart! And....pick up a copy of John Eldredge's book, "Waking The Dead."