They Didn't Turn My Internet Off!!!!

Ya'll, they still haven't turned off my internet!!! Eeeeekkkk! This addict is sooooooooo happy!!!! Yay! And sick! Miserable sick! So, I went shopping today and thanks to the Big Mama blog and her "Fashion Friday" posts I feel like I really know what's in style, so I wasn't totally shocked by what I found at the mall. Usually, whatever is the new trend makes me go, eeeewww, do I have to wear that, when I get to the mall finally after being holed up most of the winter, in the springtime, but not this year!!! Thank you, Melanie!!!! Never met you in person, but I sure hope to someday! Almost got to meet you in Houston, but nope. Didn't happen this year! Maybe next time! But I got a dress with this diagonal black and white stripes that I am going to look so great in tomorrow night, IF I can find my nylons, dress shoes (either white or black, either one works!At least I got that to work with!), makeup, jewelry and hair stuff, if needed. My hair generally looks good as is anyway...I have awesome hair, so that's good!! In all of this mess, I have to find all of that and we are doing a ton more cleaning and packing tomorrow and so we have to get up and bust a move and be done by 2, so I can get a shower and get all gussied up, get the kids to wherever they need to go, which we've only got two of them figured out so far! It's a good thing they didn't get around to shutting off our internet today, because that is the only communication Jeremiah has with the Couch family, our pastor's family. He's best friends with their boy, Caleb, so it's good that he still can communicate with Caleb that way, so we can make sure he gets where he needs to go in time. Angela, we have to get to her friend, Lucy's house before 3, and we have to be out of here by 3! We have no idea what we're going to do with Chloe! The only friend of hers, who's parents I know, is not available this weekend, Jeni's daughter's sick, so she can't stay there! I'm hoping maybe the Couch's (grammar? Not sure how that works?) can take one more kid. Seems she'd blend right in and probably play with their 6 year old, but that's why I'm having Jeremiah talking to Caleb online! Why in the world do we not have their phone number? I have no idea! I really hate it when I talk to myself on here, but hey, this is what I do in my head all day long, so welcome to Shellie Paparazzo's brain:) I promise I won't let you in too far. It gets pretty scary in here sometimes, as you know. I really haven't let you in on the really bad stuff! I know! You're scared! Me, too!!!! Believe me! I told you, I hardly sleep. Now you know why :) Okay, but seriously, I don't know how I'm going to box everything up, and THEN get beautiful to go to this fancy dinner thing in SPOKANE!!!! Really?!!! Couldn't they have waited a week?!! Just for us?!!!! So, we have to leave by 3...come to think of it, I should probably start getting ready at 1;30! Yikes! This is insane!!!And I still don't know if my youngest will have anyone to stay with!!! Double yikes!!! So, we'll get back, probably around midnight, if not later! Then, get up Sunday morning to get ready for church, go to church, come home, load up the moving truck, and finish cleaning the house and go to the hotel!!! Then, get up Monday morning, do some last minute errands we forgot to take care of and drive to Spokane to unload and get moved in and hopefully start getting kids registered for school and what not. So insane!!! And, ya'll, I do have my kids cold and it's awful! I just want to sleep! Is that too much to ask?! Apparently, it is!! I'm dying here! Please pray for me and my family and that we won't kill each other, and by that I mean, that I won't kill anyone, because I don't think they will, although, with Angela in the mix that's debatable, and oh, yeah, Jeremiah has his moments, and so does Chloe, and oh, boy!!! Does Josh ever have his moments!!! I know he won't mind me saying so. He knows it, I know it, everyone who knows him knows it, so it's all good. So, pray for us. This is going to be crazy and stressful and hopefully God will give us lots of peace and supernatural strength and energy for the task ahead...and some good cough medicine that doesn't knock you out might help, too! Don't think I have any of that around here. Might have to work on that! Bye for now!

The Pain Is Too Much

Well, it's been quite a week. Yes, I've allowed Angela to live. I'm sure you're all happy to know that. And I'm pretty sure you all knew that I would. Still frustrated, still fighting with her often, still trying to convince her that, yes, sometimes life is hard, but you got to do what you got to do, and if it requires you to work a little harder than you were hoping to have to.....ummm,sorry, we've all been there. You're just going to have to work that much harder. What really sucked is, this week is Missoula Children's Theatre, and yes, we did decide that she has been working very hard to try to get her grades up, and yes, she could do MCT. For crying out loud it only comes once a year! It was going to break my heart to have to tell her no and I'm not sure I could've done. So, obviously, that's not the part that sucks. When she came home yesterday evening I expected her to be in a rush to get fed to get back to rehearsals. She wasn't in a hurry at all. In fact, she'd already been to Wendy's with our friend, Holly, and her daughter (Angela's friend) Maggie, who she did the tryouts with and carpooled with last year as well. Turns out the reason Holly took them to Wendy's is she picked up two heartbroken little girls from tryouts. Neither of them got a part. I guess they had some very young, college age girls running the tryouts. They didn't pick most of the people who were in the play last year, even those, like my daughter, who had leading rolls last year. Being the stubborn, hard-headed child that she is, Angela made it a point to give them a piece of her mind, which as you know, can get pretty ugly. She wasn't happy because she said they laughed at her. I wasn't happy either, and when she told me some of the other very talented kids that didn't get parts (who I've worked with in the past volunteering at the school) who've ALWAYS gotten parts in the past, I was shocked. I told her not to worry to much about it, because obviously this particular group, unlike the group last year, doesn't know talent when they see it! I don't want to hear any talk about how I might be biased, but I'm going to tell you right now, that besides my own daughter, I know a few other very talented little girls who will not be in the MCT production here in Moscow this year. I also know of at least one, who will be, who I would've never picked in a million years...just sayin....and there I might be a bit biased too, because this little girl isn't very nice to my little girl :) Do you ever find that interesting, how you can absolutely despise an 11 year old child, because they don't like your kid? I distinctly remember the first time that I discovered that I have retractable claws and fangs that I have absolutely no control over. They instantly appear the moment I sense that one of my children is being threatened in any way!!! It didn't surprise me that I was very protective of them with adults that I sensed didn't like them, but the first time my five year old boy came from home from kindergarten in tears and I had an almostly overwhelming urge to kill another child with my bare hands (you will be happy that I reminded myself that I can't protect him from prison, so I resisted) I was in total shock! How does this happen?! All I have to say is if you're in my presence and you say anything derogatory about or towards one of my children, I am not responsible for what might happen to you! I have no control. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Now, onto another topic. Alcoholism! It continues to prove itself to me that I'm not cured and probably never will be. I still want to run for that bottle anytime I'm upset, stressed, angry, whatever. I've had a lot of stuff stirred up in me through reading Beth Moore's sister, Gay's, story on the LPM blog. She has helped me to see that alcoholism really is an incurable disease that I cannot control. Thankfully I know someOne who can :) Not that that keeps me from struggling. Between that, my own desire to seem genuine, the stress of moving, the loneliness of not having an accountability team where I'm at right now and not knowing how long it will take to get that established in Spokane, and just plain not having anyone safe to talk to about all this stuff one on one, plus Changes That Heal, plus Breaking Free, is stirring up so much pain from my life that I have not dealt with, that it is absolutely making me want to run straight for the bottle. Why that? Why not cheesecake? Why not ice cream? Why alcohol? Well, too be honest with you, as great as those things are, they just don't have the power to anesthetize the pain that alcohol does, and being a rule follower, I don't like to break the law, so illegal drugs are not an option. I want alcohol and I want it now. What's really making me mad is I have to walk to go get it. I don't have a car, and my husband's being a real pain, telling me I don't need it. What is up with that! And to be honest with you, some of the pain that's been stirring up, relates to him, too. He's ignored some things, chosen not to set boundaries, where I think he should. I feel unprotected and I feel my children are unprotected by him, so I'm a little irritated with him. For not understanding, even though I understand it's hard to understand me. It's hard even for other alcoholics to understand me. I'm kind of weird, you know. I'm more of afraid of getting caught than anything else. I don't want any of the people from AA or CR to see me with alcohol! I honestly don't care if I drink. I know that's terrible. I wish nobody cared. I wish I had never told anyone how much I love to drink so I could just drink and everybody would leave me alone. I feel like a fake, cause I've been dry, but not really sober. I want to drink. I want to throw in the towel and say who cares? I want to for so many reasons I can't share here! But I've been dry for 18 months outside of any recovery program. I don't have a counselor. I don't have a sponsor. I don't have any accountability partners. I've tried to establish those in the past, but no one's been consistent with me. I know one who would have been, but I don't think she really gets it. She's not an alcoholic, she didn't grow up in an abusive home, she has never, that I'm aware of, been physically or sexually abused. She has no idea what that's like. I need someone who has a clue about these things and is completely non-judgmental, totally accepting of me right where I'm at, and will love me no matter what. Even if I screw up sometimes. Even if I screw up a lot. Cause to be honest with you, telling me how I should feel or what I should think has not helped me. If I could do that, just instantly change how I think and how I feel without talking through things, I'd have done it a long time ago! I know God's Word. That's the frustrating thing. I'm in it daily! I've been in it fairly consistently all of my believing life, which is almost 17 years!!! What I'm wanting to do is have one last binge and then go to a meeting, cause then it feels real! Right now it doesn't feel real at all. Nothing about me feels real. I don't seem like a genuine alcoholic. I never drank enough, consistently enough. I don't feel like a real Christian, cause I'm obsessing over things I know are wrong. I don't even feel like a real abuse victim, because others have been abused much more violently than I have. So, my parents said some mean things to me and they didn't give me the love I needed. They didn't listen to me or care how I felt. Yeah, my dad hit me sometimes, but never with a closed fists and never left a mark on me. At least not that I ever noticed. I was kinda trying to hard to avoid him and just about everyone else who might hurt me, to notice. And yeah, I was sexually assaulted, but I was never all out raped. What am I whining about anyway. Get over it, Shellie. It's not that bad....and yet, that doesn't work for me. I hurt. I feel neglected. I feel abused. I'm scared of people. I'm afraid that they're going to tell me my parents were right. I am hopeless. I am stupid. I can't do anything right. And I've sort of gotten that, maybe not in those exact words, from people who were supposed to help me. People who were supposed to love me. That I can't really have a relationship with God and know what I'm hearing from Him, because I'm not smart enough. I can't know my own heart, cause I'm not smart enough, so I can't possibly know what He's calling me to do. I can't know these things for myself. I need others to tell me what to do. I need to stop caring what I do or what kind of things I'm interested in. I'm not supposed to have interests. I'm not supposed to have desires for my own life. I'm supposed to stay home and only care for my family and do what my husband tells me to do. And, oh, my gosh, how dare he suggest I think about what I want! I'm not supposed to want anything! I'm not supposed to be my own person! I feel guilty for liking to write. I feel guilty for wanting friends. I feel guilty for wanting help! Why should I feel guilty about these things? Because others have told me they're sins. Others have told me I can't have desires apart from caring for my family. Others have told me I don't deserve better. After all, I deserve what Jesus got, and I get that, but I NEED more than that. And I think God understands that, which is why he let Jesus take my punishment so I wouldn't have to. So, all I'm asking is that people quit hurting me. I'm tired of being hurt. Is that too much to ask? I wish somebody would just hug me and tell me it's okay to hurt, that it's okay to cry and let me cry on their shoulder, maybe, just a little. And tell me that they're sorry that all that stuff happened to me, instead of just telling me to get over it. If I could I would, but it's not that simple. Very few people seem to understand that and they're not in a place where they're able to spend time with me and help me. Also, I know that I have this anxiety issue that causes me to choke up and not be able to speak. I'm terrified of people. I'm terrified to tell them of my pain. To be really real with them. I'm not sure I can, but I need to. And I need someone who understands that too, someone who has the time and the patience to sit there and wait until I figure out what words I can used to describe what I'm going through, and wait also, for me to get up the nerve to say what's going through my head, out loud. That's going to take a very patient person. I'm not sure such a person exists. Cause I'm scared of all of you. I may not seem like it in person, but notice how personal, how real I get with you? Not very. I'm scared how you'll react to the real me when I'm right in front of you.

How God Uses Writing To Help Me On My Journey

You know what I love?! Well, anyone who reads this blog, because I adore "talking" which is only fun if someone is "listening" and it just pleases me so much that anyone would want to "listen" to all of my rambling!:) BUT, what I really love is how God uses something I thought was meant to minister to someone else to minister to ME!!! I was told almost a year ago that I should write a book after telling a funny story about something one of my kids had done or I had done or whatever! I don't remember what the story was about, just that it was funny. (I love funny!) I told this friend that I already had written a book that I was then doing more research on and rewriting. I told her "It's a devotional book written from my study of 1 Corinthians."

She said, "No, that's not the book you should be writing. You should write a book about your life."

I replied, incredulously, "My life! Why write a book about my life? Nobody would want to read that! My life is boring!"

She said, "Uhhhhhhh, nooooo, it's not. You're life is fascinating, the things you've experienced, the things your kids say and do. You are always telling funny stories that actually have happened in your life, just like that one. You should write a book telling all those funny stories and other stories from your life of things you've experienced that may not be funny but they're interesting."

I had always been afraid to write my life story, though I'd thought about it, and been told that I should before. Not because of anything positive in my life, but because of my pain. People thought, as much as I love to write, that maybe writing it would be healing for me and possibly someday be able to help someone else. I was waiting for the healing I'd been desperately seeking to occur before I did that, but I decided then that I would put my 1 Corinthians project aside and began writing about my life. Yes, I was still in a lot of pain, but just cause I wrote it didn't mean I had to let anyone else read it! I could just hang onto, possibly editting it later to shine a more positive light on all that had happened to me. So, I began at the beginning talking about my birth, and all of the drama surrounding that. (Yes, it's dramatic when you enter the world with a cataract over your left eye and blind in that eye, and having glaucoma!) I asked God to show me what He wanted me to write. What stories I needed to tell. I've found out that even in those early years of hospital stays and abuse, that my life wasn't just painful. I remembered some really fun and interesting things, like my first horse show when I was five years old where I won a blue ribbon :) It HAS been incredibly healing for me, but not just because I'm "getting out" all the old baggage that has hurt me for years, though, consciously, I try not to even think about it and am usually successful, but this never-ending ache continues on. I'm not saying I don't still hurt; that I don't still need help from God and others to deal with the painful things. It's just neat to see all of the wonderful experiences i had mixed in with that. It's a relief to know that God had good things in my life, even then, when I didn't know Him and didn't want to. He was there even when I rejected Him. He was there in the time I spent with the horses and other animals on the farm. He was there in the times I did participate in sports and not do a sickeningly horrible job. He was there, keeping me sane through it all. He gave me people every now and again who were nice to me and he gave me people who were fun and wanted to have fun with me. No, I didn't have anyone I could call a close friend. I never learned how to talk things through, something I'm still learning; how to share my pain. I'm still not good at it and it feels awkward and weird and the words never come out right. I wish people understood more. I wish I understood more. But God let me have some fun, even while most of the authority figures in my life were only hurting me. I'm still scared to talk about that things that hurt, cause so many have used those very things against me. People I should have been able to trust. I already had trust issues and then they added more. I'm struggling right now and have hardly slept in days. I can feel the bags under my eyes, and they're burning as I toss and turn at night with all the memories that I can't quite come to terms with. I'm so tired and my head hurts. I threw out my neck and apparently hips and back at some point last week, so at times I can't even move my head without excruciating pain. I went to the chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment since I could hardly turn my head at all. It still hurt after he adjusted me and I still didn't have full range of motion. I'm almost back to full range today, but will need to go back in again tomorrow to get adjusted again. So, yes, I'm struggling, but God is so good to me and has helped me remember the good times, too! He's used an old "friend" from my growing up years to help with that. I love her so much and wish we could spend time together in person, but she lives in another town and we both have very busy lives, each with three kids and a husband, and she is a working mom, which I can't even imagine the pressure of! Yet, she stays so positive even when she sometimes gets overwhelmed. Don't we all! Love you, Jenny! And I'm just so glad for all the good that I see in my life!!! God is good and He will and most likely, IS healing me, even if I can't see it right now.

A Sick Day!

I'm home today, with my oldest daughter, Angela, who is sick with the cold that I had. We no longer have any snow. It all got rained away. Yuck! No fun. Now it's really windy, and I'm probably going to have to go out in it and get some groceries. Hopefully, she'll be up to coming with me, although I know she is rather stuffed up. She's plenty old enough to stay home for me to take a quick trip to the grocery store, but she hates to stay alone and ends up calling me and talking to me on the cell phone the whole time which makes it hard to shop, since I don't have bluetooth of any kind. She just got out of the tub, so we'll probably be going soon, since it's past lunchtime and there isn't much in the house to eat. Besides, the chicken noodle soup is all gone, between me and my chicken noodle soup loving kids, we ate it all! And it's just wrong to have a cold with no chicken noodle soup in the house. I'm hoping the Robitussin I buy for the kids works for me, too, because I really don't want to spend the money to buy more Nyquil. I probly will anyway. Cause nothing touches this throat so I can sleep at night, so the only option I have is to take something that will knock me out! Anyway, a grocery shopping day it is then! Sorry, to be so unfun, but I'm still under the influence of the last of the Nyquil which should wear off soon, so I can drive, and eat!

Peter Walking On The Water

Okay, not quite as late being on here as I have been in the past, so we're going to try to write a real post this time. I wanted to talk to you about Peter walking on the water, so let's see if I can gather my thoughts. First, I have to get out my bible! Ha! That would help!!!

Matthew 14:25-32
During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

This is the passage I was telling you about a few weeks ago that hit me in a new way. Read this so many times, as I know many of you have as well, but something hit me that never hit me before. Now, as many of you know, I'm doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free book, not the workbook, just the book, right now. Yes, I said I'm doing it, almost as though it were a bible study, and not just a book. Sort of doing it in my own way and sometimes I go back and read a chapter or two or three over again and look up many of the scriptures again! For instance, this is actually in chapter 7 of her book, and I am currently back in chapter 5 again! I know, I'm weird! I have referred to my workbook, Breaking Free, that I did years ago, from time to time as well. In the book, Mrs. Moore talks about how the storm continues as Peter walks out onto the water, that Jesus doesn't calm the storm until after they're back in the boat, and that He may not always calm our storms either, but ask us to trust Him in the midst of the storm(loosely translated, I believe that's sort of what she was getting at.) The chapter is on enjoying the presence of God and so she was emphasizing that while we might not enjoy the storm, we can enjoy His presence in the midst of the storm, but even though that was the emphasis she was taking and yes, it did resonate with me, something else about that passage hit me that she didn't emphasize. I believe God emphasized it for me! This was particularly important to me in my situation.

As you all know, I have struggled with depression almost all of my life, and the part that really jumped out at me was when Peter cried out and Jesus "reached out his hand and caught him." This just made my heart squeeze again. Even just a minute ago when I wrote that it grabbed my heart once again, and made me love Jesus even more! I just can't get over it! I'm telling you, this was HUGE to me, and I bet you're wishing I would just hurry up and tell you instead of just telling you that it meant a lot to me. I thought about the fact that Peter doubted. I've often thought that when I doubted God in the midst of depression that He would just let me drown, but no! Peter doubted, and when he cried out to Jesus, even while doubting, "Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Do you see where I'm going with this!!! I would have expected Him to be like, "Well, since you doubted I'm just going to let you drown!" But that's NOT what Jesus did! First He "reached out his hand...." Oh, how those words right there just grab me every time!!! When, I cry for Him, even when I doubt His ability to rescue me, to heal me, or His desire to do so, He will still reach back for me, and save me! He won't let me drown in depression! As long as I keep crying out to Him, no matter how weak my faith is, He'll reach back every single time! He rescued him and only then did He ask him why he had doubted! And he only asked him once. He didn't lecture. I love that about God. I don't think He has ever lectured me! Pastors have lectured me, counselors have lectured me, my parents (of course: insert eye roll) have lectured me, my husband may have even lectured me a time or two, but God never has!!! He doesn't need to. He knows I'm either listening or I'm not. No point in lecturing, because after all, I will just roll my eyes. I'll admit it. I'm not much less rebellious than I was as a teenager with my parents. (I can't believe I just admitted that!) I felt like God whispered sweetly to me, while holding me in His arms at that very moment, that I read that and said, "My Child. I'm. Not. Going. To let you drown!" He's not. He's going to reach back, every single time that I cry out to Him in fear that I'm going to drown. Then we'll work on increasing my faith. But only after He catches me. Oh, I love Him soooooo much! Have I mentioned that! He is My Jesus! And I wish I could say that I'll never doubt Him again, but I probably will, and He'll reach out and catch me....again!!!

Revisiting My Priorities

Wow! It's been more than a week! That is sooo sad!:( My priorities have been so screwed up lately, but I'm getting them straightened out again, as God is showing me that the times I don't spend in His Word, for the longest, are the times that my issues seem to take complete control. They're always there to test me, but they don't get the full blown control until I fail to prioritize my time with Him. That's all for now. I swear, one of these days I really will give you a real blog post!

One Of My Worst Days And It's Only Going To Cause More "Worst Days"

Okay, so yesterday was a horrible day. I was sad to see that Mercy Ministries has changed it's name to Resource Ministries. (I mean does that sound cold, calculating, and uncaring to anyone besides me?) And from the things they talked about in why the name change it seems that, much like my church, they are steering much more towards legalism. Also, the Resource Ministries (I hate that name!) is strongly tied to the counseling group that has been severely damaging to me in my situation, which makes me feel that this ministry is much less available to me as a human being with struggles. Also, I discovered that someone else on Twitter, who I interacted with quite a bit, actually, had blocked me. I knew why and consider it to be mostly a difference of opinion. I believe that Christians who are not really being very gracious or compassionate people need to be talked about more. Not by name, just in general. I think it's important that Christians understand that just because a Christian leader tells them something is how it is with you, doesn't make it true. Only God really knows that and constantly judging people without hearing them out is totally wrong and is what my pastor and several others have done with me here in Moscow. They just assume I'm just like everyone else they've dealt with who struggles with depression or sin issues in their lives. Even when they do let me talk, they prove by what they say later, that they didn't even hear what I said. They never bothered listening.

Then, later on in the day, after taking Angela around thrift shopping for her costume pieces for Halloween, I had to go get Jeremiah from football practice. Often his friend and neighbor, Christian, rides with me as well. Otherwise he usually has to walk home. Or chooses to, I'm not sure which. Always when I pick them up, the first words out of his mouth are "I'm hungry. Can we go to McDonald's?" And my answer is always, "No, my husband would kill me if I spent the money, and for good reason. I really can't afford it. You can eat when you get home." (For crying out loud it's not like it takes forever. We live in a town that is all of 11 square miles! It takes less than 5 minutes to get anywhere in town!) I asked, of course, if he's always hungry, which is like, well, duh, he's a 7th grade boy, of course, he's always hungry. The kids proceeded to be irritated and noisy, and Angela was even hitting her brother with a shopping bag from the backseat (he was in the front seat). I told them to settle down. They were going to cause me to get in an accident. Low a behold a few minutes later that is exactly what happened. Not that it's entirely their fault. I should have been paying more attention at the intersection. I went to make a right turn and cross into the far lane, since it was close to where I needed to make a left to get home. Another car was coming from across the road on the other side of the intersection and was already in the far lane, and I sideswiped her! Oh, boy. We both pulled into Walgreen's and got out of our cars to ask each other what we were supposed to do, as neither of us, as it turned out, had ever been in an accident before! I'm usually ultra cautious at that intersection, and am still kicking myself over this! We of course, called the cops, and did everything we were supposed to do. (The police officer helped with this, of course, and explained everything to us, and what we need to do in following up.) And of course, I was issued a citation for an improper turn. Ugh! Stupid me! So there goes 85 dollars, not to mention that, since it was my fault, our insurance will most certainly go up! Talk about a BAD day! I did go home and change out of my sweats into jeans and make it to Jeremiah's Court of Honor, albeit in a t-shirt, which I normally would never do, but oh, well. At least I wasn't wearing sweats :) He received his First Class rank, as well as a whole bunch of merit badges. I'm not sure how many. He did have six weeks of Scout camp, unlike most boys, who only get 1 week! And since I did that I still haven't called Christian's mom to get some information from her that the officer needs for his report since Christian was also in the accident. Ugh! I am so embarrassed. Angela's thrilled, because I'll be in the paper, and that qualifies for her to do her "newspaper" report next week on me, and she can add extra details that won't be in the paper, since she was there. Thrilled for you, Angela, really. (Do you sense the sarcasm.)

Of course, the money situation was already tight and now it's almost impossibly tight, and it was suggested by a friend that maybe I should get a job. Little does she know, that is one of my "issues" and at the thought, I immediately started sweating, heart started pounding...you know, all truly wonderful symptoms of an anxiety attack. I know it's ridiculous, and this whole situation is extremely distressing to me, and I have no doubt what my pastor would say about it. Ugh! Let's not go there!

Scripture Memory And Spiritual Warfare: One Is Absolutely Essential To Be Effective In The Other!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! It is scripture memory day on Beth Moore's blog and I've been so distracted by the short, goofy people that I haven't even looked at the verses I've noted to be possibly what I should be memorizing right now, to see which one God would have me memorize and meditate on for this 15 days or so. God is using this in incredible ways in my life. He's been so good to bring the memory verse I've been working on from Romans 8 verses 38 and 39 at times when Satan has been messing with me in the very intense spiritual attack that I have been under for a while. Or was under. I feel that it has lifted from me, somewhat, at this point, with my family here and all, but in the quiet moments, even though I am happy that they are home, and hopeful at what God is doing in my life, I can still often feel a slight ache in my soul that lets me know there is still healing that needs to happen there. But He is faithful and He will continue to be faithful to me! So sure of my standing with Him right now that it's brought joy in my pain that I didn't even know was possible!!! Anyway, those verses have helped me combat the Enemy so many times, and just saying His Name! Outloud and in all caps on twitter and my blog and, I think that's about it, but wherever I happen to be and whatever I happen to be doing I am getting to experience for the first time really, just how much POWER there is, just in the name of JESUS! Whenever Satan attacks I try to do one of those two things and also just to cry out to God for His healing and His Truth in my life. I am getting to love Him more and more, so I'm thinking at this point in time, it is so worth it, to go through this, if it's what it takes to really have Him as my all in all! And to know that, to the depth of my soul, that He is everything and nothing and no one else will satisfy quite like He will! Not even my husband and children and yet He's let them into my life, as my responsibility, yes, but also, to enjoy! And I am!!!! They are no longer a burden to me! It is my pleasure to serve them in anyway I can at this point in time!!!

But the verses! Scripture memory is sooooo important! Even if you think (or know) that you can't really memorize the verses word for word, just picking some to put on note cards and carry with you and meditate on throughout your day or days is extremely helpful. You can just pull that card out of your pocket or wherever and say it, out loud, when the Enemy comes at you with lies that you know are lies, because they are not consistent with God's Word! We must know His Word! That's why He gave it to us, and I have to admit, I have a hard time maintaining a lot of memory verses. I usually can only recall the one that I'm working on currently without lots of hints and things about what the verse is dealing with or what word it starts with, or something like that. I do struggle with scripture memory, but I press on, and trust Him to use that working on those in my life, anyway! Even if next month I can't recall the verse I'm memoriaing now. It's in there, somewhere, because His Word does not return void. Another verse that's in my head somewhere, though I can't recall the reference, again. But the important thing is, I know God's truth, even if I don't know exactly where it is in the bible. I know it's there, cause He's taught it to me, and I can always look it up, when in doubt! That's what bible concordances are for!

When I can't seem to focus on the truth, because the battle is just that FIERCE at times, He's been faithful to let others see it and enter the battle with me, and say "Shellie, that's a lie from the pit of hell!" And they'll tell me, say His Name, out loud right now, or whatever it is I need to hear and whatever it takes to help me get back on track! So thankful for the Body of Christ, as well! But if not for Christ Himself, there would be no Body, so He is the head! He is my Refuge and my Healer!

My "Shack" Has Been Invaded

I would say that it's been invaded by aliens, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate. It's been invaded by the short, goofy people that I gave birth, too, which really, aliens....short, goofy people I gave birth, too....kind of the same thing really:) And, of course, my husband...the love of my life! Well, really, JESUS is the absolute, complete and total love of my life, but Josh is pretty amazing. He came home a very different man than the one that I left at Camp Grizzly...or maybe he's not and I'm just a different woman than the one that left him. I sure hope so! Or best case scenario: it could be both. He may have grown out there with the kids, while I grew here by myself. I sure hope I grew in this last month. It was a total waste if I didn't! I don't think it was wasted though! Have I ever learned something about the INTENSITY of spiritual warfare when you are seriously being attacked by the Enemy over strongholds you've had for years!!!! I let Satan keep a stronghold in my life that I had before I came to know Christ, for all of these years, and I didn't really even fully realize it, or how much he wanted to hurt me with it, until this last week! I really didn't think I'd make it....and without the friends that God has provided in the Body of Christ, I'm positive I wouldn't have, because I would not have recognized it as a battle with the Enemy. It's hard to hang on when the shouting of the Enemy is so loud, you can't discern the Voice of God, for the life of you, without someone urging you back to the truth that you know we have in Him! I'm learning to cry out to JESUS on a whole new level than I ever knew before. I'm a little concerned with my kids here now, that I won't be able to cry like I need to over the pain and fears from my childhood. I am praying that when it is appropriate that God will help me to grieve in the way I need to. I know that He will use this in my kids lives, also, because He's just that Good :) Oh, man, is He ever, and my husband and I are enjoying sweet fellowship with each other, in the way that He designed that to happen. I know we will continue to have our struggles and our hardships, but I am choosing the Rock, for the rest of my life! From now on, when the winds blow and the earth quakes, I will remain steadfast and true to my God! Now, is that easier said than done? OH, Yeah! And, I'm sure, I will stumble from time to time, but I will get back up and keep going, keep fighting.

As far as the counseling situation goes, I have a few options, and I will be praying and seeking to see what the Lord would provide for me in that area. I've been receiving advice from some godly friends and mentors and considering my options and we will talk about that later. But for now, "rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!" Not going to look up that scripture reference right now, but trust me, it's in there :)

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 17

It's been a challenging day, with a lot of tears, but I'm learning that tears are okay. That it's okay to grieve. That it's even healthy. The reason that it hurts so much to lose people, shows that we let ourselves be vulnerable. That the relationship mattered. If it didn't hurt, then the relationship meant nothing and that's not good. I risked loving, and that's why the loss hurts so deeply. And God heals, and He is enough. I don't have to have that other person in my life to be able to continue living for God. God is my everything and He will bring the people into my life that I need to keep me balanced. I know that He has a plan for my life, and I'm glad I've had people in my life, like Dave, who have been Jesus to me. Have been that Christ-like influence and have shown me who Jesus is, little by little. I'm still learning and growing and always will be.

We are called to be in relationship with people, as well as God, and sometimes that hard to balance, and figure out where the boundaries are. We need each other, and at the same time, we can't rely on each other. We have to rely completely on God. That can be confusing sometimes. Be honest. Do you ever get confused about whether or not someone has become an idol in your life? I do. Sometimes I wonder if Beth Moore is an idol in my life, and maybe at times she has been. I have to constantly keep myself in check, and back off if I feel I'm getting to involved with someone else other than God. There have been times that my husband has been my idol. Oh, boy! That can get ugly! I've realized it when I've been mad, and asked myself why I was mad, and ultimately, it was because he didn't fix me. He didn't make me feel all happy again. He didn't cure my depression! He can't do that! He's a man! He's a really wonderful man, that loves me.....but he's just a man! He's weak (yes, I just said that my husband is weak, because compared to God, he is!) and he doesn't know everything. Only God can be my everything! My husband can't, my pastor can't, my counselor can't, my very best friend's can't, my favorite teacher, Beth Moore, can't. Only God! And yet, we need those other people? Does that ever confuse anybody else, or is it just me? I need bible teachers. I need my counselor. I need my friends. I need my husband, and I need my pastors. That is really hard to balance and make sure that it is truly God that is my all in all, and not those other people.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 15

Well, today, I finished reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. It got me to thinking about what it was that finally attracted me to Christ. I knew many people who professed to be Christians growing up, so why did it take me 20 years to receive Christ?

Good question. I'm so glad you asked :) I think I've figured it out. For many, many years I've only felt judged by other Christians. They told me that my promiscuous lifestyle was wrong, that my drinking was bad, my smoking was bad, and the drugs I used, downright evil. Now, I agree, all of those are true, but I do not believe that focusing on the unbeliever's sin is helpful. Of course, they sin. They can't help it. They do not have the power to stop sinning, and someone who just always tells you how bad you are, is not attractive. It doesn't make people want to know you. Now, obviously, I understand that a person has to realize they're a sinner to receive Christ, but deep down, I think they already know that. I remember the feeling that I was rebelling the first time I smoked a cigarette. It was invigorating, because I knew my parents would hate it. I remember having a sense that I'd done something I shouldn't have when I slept with my boyfriend for the first time. Now, how would I know that? I'm having a really hard time finding the verse in my bible right now, but I believe there is a verse in there that says that all people have God's law written on their hearts. We all have a sense of right and wrong. It's why we have laws against killing people! We know, somewhere, deep in our hearts, that it's wrong, to harm another human being. Now, when I did those things, I wouldn't have told you that I knew it was wrong. I wanted to believe that it was right, that I was right, but at a deeper level, I knew it was wrong. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now, but I know what I'm talking about :)

My point is, I'm not sure, that as Christians, it is our job to confront an unbeliever's sin. I think that's God's job and God's job alone. It just comes across as being judgmental when we do it. I think our job is to love the person, as Jesus loves them, just as they are. I realized that when I came to Christ, I had an older gentleman that sort of felt like a father figure to me, in my life. He was a Christian, of course, and he knew about the sin that I was involved in. He knew about the drugs and the sex, all of it. Or at least most of it. Enough, that if he was like most Christians I had met before going to college, he wouldn't have even given me the time of day. As it is, he didn't even mention the drugs or any of that too me, directly. I only knew that he knew, because I knew that a friend of mine, who was concerned about me, was talking to him about her concerns, and asking him to pray for me. Never once did he bring it up in my presence. In fact, when he first started conversing with me, I didn't my friend had been telling him about me, and I remember thinking, while talking to this incredibly godly man, in full-time ministry, "Do you know who I am? Because if you knew who I was you wouldn't be talking to me? At least not while actually looking me in the eye and clearly being very interested in me." It was shocking to me to find out that he knew exactly who I was, and he still loved me. He still cared about me. He wanted to know how my classes were going that semester, what my interests were. He really listened to me. He cared about me. I honestly don't remember exactly what we talked about in our conversations. It didn't matter. I was just fascinated by the fact that he cared! About someone as insignificant as me! As deeply steeped in sin as I was! Who was this man and who was his God? I wanted to know! For the first time in my life, I really wanted to know who this Jesus really was, cause clearly, this man's Jesus, was very different from the Jesus I thought I knew about! The Jesus I knew growing up, was this mean guy in the sky, waiting for me to screw up, so He could pound on me! This man showed me a different Jesus. This man showed me a Jesus that loved me exactly the way I was and cared about me. He didn't enjoy punishing me. He only wanted to help me, because He loved me. I'd never seen that Jesus before. I wanted that Jesus. I realize now that everything I was doing at that time was me desperately seeking to be loved! I just wanted to be loved! It's what everyone wants! They want to be loved for who they are, not who others want them to be, but truly who they are. In all the drugs, and alcohol, and sex, I was doing what the song says, "looking for love in all the wrong places." This man knew the one who loved me the way I wanted to be loved.

Now, as many of you know, while I did receive Christ as my Lord and Savior during that time, securing my salvation, it has taken me a long time to really begin to grasp that He really does love me like that. He really does care about me. Everything about my life. Not just whether or not, I go to heaven or hell. He cares about my life right now. He cares about my marriage, He cares about my friendships, He cares about my life, here and now. I'm sure I'll spend a lifetime grappling with this. How this completely sinless God could ever love me, of all people, like that. But He does! Wow! What an amazing God! If you've been in places where Christians have been judgmental and you don't know Jesus, let me assure you, that isn't Him. I've been guilty of this, myself. He doesn't care who you are, or where you've been. He loves you anyway, exactly the way you are! That is amazing!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 13

Well, sorry, I've been away for a while. Focusing on other things. I did decide to go to a friend's house one day last week for a prayer meeting. It was a little awkward at first and I had a hard time explaining why I'm not at Camp Grizzly to people who don't read my blog. I used my toe as an excuse, since I really can't go back to camp until my toe is healed, which seems to be taking a really long time. I don't know. Maybe I just don't know enough about these things to know how quickly it should heal. I don't know how long to expect for my heart to heal either and I'm pretty impatient with myself. I feel like I have determined so many times to change, to react better, to not assume the world is out to get me, and I fail every time! I'm getting rather irritated with myself, but one of the things I've noticed, with an online friends help, is how much Satan has cultivated messages of death into my life. Sometimes I just use the terms jokingly like, when I say things like, "'Give me makeup or give me death" to a friend online who isn't allowed to wear makeup, but needless to say, I say it all the time. I say things like, "I would just die" if such and such a thing happened to me. Do you see it? Death. It's everywhere in my speech. She challenged me to, even for just one week, to at least avoid saying it on twitter, and when I'm tempted to, or catch myself, about to use those types of terms, to tweet my memory verse, or just simply "Jesus loves me" or something to that effect instead. Honestly, I haven't really been tempted toward that at all so far, but one time I did get on there and realized I didn't have anything really to say, so I simply thought, hmm, what is my favorite thing right now, cause a friend had tweeted about something she enjoyed in life, so I just simply said. "God is my favorite." It felt good. He is my favorite. I haven't always been able to honestly say that, but right now, He's my very best friend, really, my only consistent friend, since I've sort of shut almost everyone out, mostly, for now. They can communicate online, but that's because that is mostly controlled by me, not the other person. I can turn off my computer at any time and they don't even have to know I did! So I don't feel rude and I keep the necessary, albeit, temporary, boundaries, secure.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 11

I've been home for a while, and while I have not communicated with people outside my home much, I have been emailing, tweeting, facebooking, and, of course, blogging. I've gotten all sorts of questions I generally don't know how to answer. I've had people tell me that what I'm doing is unhealthy and unbiblical. I'm not sure there's anything unbiblical or unhealthy about it, unless I made it permanent. Obviously we're supposed to interact with people, but we're also supposed to get alone with God, and I think some of us need much more intensive and lengthy time with Him. Because of where we have been without Him! I lived without Christ for 20 years, and you don't even want to know the kind of sin I was involved in during that time! Trust me, you do not want to know the details! You would not like me...and I probably wouldn't like you, because I would be extremely uncomfortable with you knowing that much detail. Maybe not, but probably. It depends on who you are and what your profession is and that sort of thing. Some would even say that counseling is not biblical. I heard someone, not too long ago, go so far as to say, on a social networking site, that counseling has destroyed the church! Yes, there are people who believe this. I know of a couple of churches that thinks Psychology has nothing to offer the church! I understand where there thinking is. I agree that secular counseling falls short, but they're throwing out the baby with the bathwater. We do need to feel these things and to work through them. If we don't we'll never really be healed! And besides, I'd like those people who think we don't need to talk through these things, sometimes for a long time, to read the Psalms! I think David would disagree! And, of course, since it did end up in the bible, obviously, God disagrees, too! EVERYthing outside of the bible is not a lie! I'll give you an example: I have been sexually abused. Does God's Words say Shellie's been abused. NO! But it's still true. Electricity is a reality, and all of those studies and schematics are a reality, even though they're not in the bible. There is a lot of truth in our world, not addressed in the bible. God let us figure a few things out on our own. He did not tell us the earth was round! We had to figure that out on our own. The reality of my abuse is not the complete truth, but it is the truth. I have to apply scripture to it, but my point is, Psychology does have something to offer us. There are studies that teach us a lot about the human condition that God did not explicitly tell us in scripture.

My point is, just because we don't see it happening in scripture, doesn't make it unbiblical, entirely. We have to be discerning. I mean, if I was deciding to never leave my house again, that would be unhealthy...and unbiblical, but I'm not doing that. I have to admit, though, it's starting to get a little awkward being invited out. I'm not done healing, and I don't know how I'll handle being around the people that I'm normally around, and I don't know how they're going to respond to me. I'm scared. I'm scared for myself. I'm scared for everybody else. I'm scared that I'll never be healthy. That I can't be healthy, and I'll never have healthy relationships. I'll always be a freak.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 7

I made a "friend" online who has been helping me to work through this stuff. Giving me advice when I get stuck, expressing concern over things she sees me doing that she fears may be unhealthy. Just, very generally, supporting me in this time. I told her, unintentionally (guess it must have been on my heart, cause it sure came out in an email) about a particular situation when I was in high school. Not sure I should share it on here, because it is quite obviously very unhealed and I might share too much, but it involves sexual abuse, and my mother's reaction to me telling her that I had been sexually abused. The young man who tried to rape me was a family friend that I had dated for some time (actually, I may have mentioned this in a post before) and after we broke up, the next summer my mom invited him to come live with us, further proving that she really did not believe that he had hurt me in such an awful way. As you can imagine, this was not an easy time of my life in the summer before college having him living in the same house. My mom still does not believe me, and while I have forgiven the young man for abusing me, I have had a much more difficult time forgiving my mother. I have been told that forgiveness is not a process, but something we just do in obedience, but I can't help but notice in the backgrounds that these people share, they have not usually experienced abuse, so I just don't think they get it that it's a little more complicated. It takes a little more time working through the anger and the pain to forgive an abuser, which in a sense my mom was just as much an abuser as he was, since she put me in this position to continue to be controlled by him on a daily basis, in my very home, where I should have been safe, but I wasn't. Of course, many of you know that my mom abused me in many other ways, as well, and neglected me, emotionally, if that makes any sense. I will have to save that for another post. This, for me, though, has been the greatest insult. I tried to tell her I needed help and she completely rejected me and shamed me. (As if I didn't have enough of that in my life already.) She denied me any hope of getting the help that I desperately needed and put me in a position to continue to be hurt, over and over again.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 5

Well, I don't really know what to say, really, except I had to go to the doctor again for my toe and they had to remove some flesh and part of my toenail. I had what they called "proud flesh" which really preaches, doesn't it?! I was thinking, "Well, duh, I have proud flesh, doesn't everybody?! I can promise you they didn't remove all of my proud flesh just the part that had grown over my nail! Apparently, how this happens is when you have an ingrown toenail for a long time, which I have, as the nail is growing into the skin (which is what an ingrown toenail is) the skin kind of says, "Oh, no, you don't!" and pushes back against the nail and actually grows more skin over the top of the toenail. This is how she explained it to me. And, so she said that the skin and the nail are basically fighting for the same territory and nobody's winning! That's why they call it "proud flesh." It wants to stand up and be noticed! And it doesn't want to give up it's territory! So this part of my flesh apparently couldn't be healed by God and had to be removed instead, along with the part of the toenail it had grown over! So, literally the fleshes "pride" cost another as well! I'm telling u this preaches so much! I am definitely going to have to use this someday when teaching from the bible about pride! Wow! We hurt ourselves with pride and others. It can cause both to be taken out!!!! Just like my nail and my flesh! It didn't like being cut out either, let me tell you!! I was in extreme pain late yesterday afternoon and evening and really most of the nite, after the Lidocaine wore off! It was a burning, searing, throbbing, pain! It was awful. It stings a little even now! I need to remove the bandage here right away, to soak it! Considering my doctor told me that it probably wouldn't really hurt until it was exposed to the air, I'm really not looking forward to taking it off!!! And I'm not looking forward to seeing what it looked like. They had a hard time getting it to quit bleeding. I guess normally they don't bleed much, but this one really did! Maybe that's why it hurt so much. I don't know. I took some ibuprofen a little while ago. I'm going to take some more and get ready to soak this toe! Ugh!

Anyway, I think God has been doing a mighty work in my life, although being around people yesterday did make me nervous. I am afraid of criticism. I'm just so tense around people. I'm realizing that about myself more and more! I need some deep healing to trust people again and not assume that they're out to get me. I heard some college boys laughing in the store and assumed that they were laughing at me. They might have been, but not necessarily. I just need to start accepting myself as being okay, so I can believe that people might like me.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 4

If you've been wondering if it's occurred to me that there might be some risk involved in this commitment of mine, it has. I've realized several things.





1. I could get so comfortable here that I become an agoraphobic.





Yes, it could happen, but I seriously doubt it. I'm such an extreme extrovert that to me the fact that I haven't driven myself crazy yet is proof of God's approval of this plan! I usually get pretty lonely by the second day of no direct human contact. I'm not lonely! I'm loving every minute I have with my Jesus. In fact, a really cool thing happened the other day. I was getting ready to soak my toe and thinking about how God had not told me anything real clearly just yet, and I had this thought-prayer, "God, I think maybe you're holding off, because you're just really enjoying having me all to Yourself." After I thought that it occurred to me that this was the first time EVER in my entire life, that I had seriously thought that God might actually enjoy me! ME! Shellie Paparazzo, former drug addict, alcoholic, barely knows what a boundary is let alone does she ever keep one, fit-throwing, all too often fakey, oversensitive, used to sleep around a lot (half the guys I've slept with I didn't even know their names) ME! God might actually enjoy that person! Really?! Yes, really! Crazy as it may sound I believe it! I'm truly beginning to believe it to the core of my being! I KNOW that I know that He loves me and has completely forgiven me, at least most of the time, I think. It's funny how some of the smaller, more recent things are harder for me to let go of then the really "big" sins of my past. I guess mostly because right now they're so close to my heart and mind. I also have realized that I am struggling with guilt over things that are probably not even things I should be feeling guilty about. I guess that's what they call false guilt. I feel guilty whenever I spend my husband's hard earned money. Even when it's for things I need, just because it's for me! I've even felt guilty for buying groceries, as if I don't even deserve to eat! I've felt guilty for getting an ingrown toenail and needing to go to the doctor. I've felt guilty for buying summer clothes and for buying things for the kids to do this summer. I even felt guilty for buying the devotional book that is helping me so much right now! I feel guilty for not working outside the home. I feel guilty for sending my kids to public school, even though I know that for us it was the best choice. It was the best choice because I can't handle having the kids home all the time! How awful is that!!! I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. I feel guilty for needing counseling. I feel guilty for having to take antidepressants and allergy medicine. You get the idea. I feel guilty for anything and everything that might take away from what someone else might have been able to have.

2. My neighbors could decide I'm so crazy that they never allow their children anywhere near me or my home again! Can you imagine how awful that would be for my poor kids?!

3. I could get sick or hurt and not be able to call for help and no one would have a clue for days! Pretty slim chance, but it could happen. Please don't bug me constantly just because it might happen!

All in all, I think the possible benefits are worth the risk! I'm having a great time with Jesus!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 2

I wish this really was a shack, preferably in the mountains or near the ocean, but definitely way farther away from people. All the noise outside my house is driving me crazy! I'm a naturally curious person, so even in the middle of a very intense prayer time with God if I hear something I peak through the curtains to see what is going on! I even saw a friend out there once. He works for our next door neighbor, so he's here a lot. It was all I could do not to open the window and shout "Hi, Dan!" but I didn't. God and I've gotten through a lot of pages today. It's sparked some hope in my heart. I plan to not answer the door, but I don't have curtains on all my windows, including the one on my door, so when I'm stretched out on the couch, like I am right now you can see me through the window on the door. Or, you can't completely see me all the time, but as a knee jerk reaction (much like the issue I'm dealing with) I pop my head up when I hear a knock. So far, it's just been kids looking for my kids. The first night, before I had this plan, Jeremiah's good friend, Nathan, knocked on the door and I answered and told him that no one else is home. Just me. So hopefully the other kids will talk to him and find out no one else is here. I'm sure the kids that knocked last night think I'm a freak! They knocked once. I popped my head up and then scrunched back down to ignore them. They came back a couple minutes later and knocked again. This time I popped my head up and waved them away, shaking my head and mouthing "go away." Yeah, like I said, they probably think I'm a freak. This is part of what I'm getting over. Worrying about what other people think of me, and allowing it to really get to me. See the problem is when someone criticizes me, or I think they did, I begin to fear that what they say about me is true! Especially if they use words like "lazy", "stupid", "worthless", or "gross." These are things I was called in my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive home growing up. My laziness is not really laziness. It's fear. Fear of screwing up. Fear of proving that I'm stupid and worthless. Mostly, I just don't let people get close enough to hurt me. What I'm doing now may seem to be only increasing the likeliness of that problem, but what happens is when I read these things about myself or hear them, I get angry. Not just at the person, but at everyone! At my husband, at my kids, at anyone who may be nearby! I say terrible, mean things that I would never say otherwise to drive them away! To drive everyone away! It's not even conscious, but I do it! I stop believing anything positive anyone says about me. And, of course, ultimately, since I believe that what the person said about me or I perceived they said about me, is true, I end up being angry with myself and wanting to end my life! Too many people in my life, know all too well, how often this happens. If I could see it coming I might be able to stop it, but what I mean by it being uncontrollable (a word I used to describe it in my last post) is that I do see it starting, but I can't stop it. I told you it's complicated! I don't even realize how much hearing those things about myself still affects me, until I see or hear those ugly words again. I'll think I'm doing well. Things are going along just fine and then wham! Somebody slams me with those sorts of accusations (or perceived accusations. I think you get the point about the perception thing! Can we just assume from now on that's sometimes the case? I wasn't accused at all, but I thought they did?) and I go off on them or my family or friends, or all of the above! You get the point. And then, of course, I turn it on myself. And I do realize that my being frozen by fear makes me appear to be lazy, but I'm not! I was raised on a ranch! Are you kidding me?! I know what real work is! I've done it! And been told over and over again that it wasn't good enough. That I didn't try hard enough or I was worthless and would never amount to anything. Or, how could I be so stupid! I could go on and on about the things my parents and teachers would say about the work that I did, but you get the point. I believed it, to the core of my being, and now somehow, even though I know what God's Word says about me, those lies are so deeply rooted, I can't seem to get to a place where they don't cause me to overreact. I still fear that all those things are true of me.

Now, as many of you know, I can't figure out how to comment on my own blog with the recent changes blogger has made, so I'm going to comment to your comments here in this post. Everytime I tried to comment using my blogger account or URL address it just tells me I'm not a member of that site! Really!?! I didn't know I had to be a member of my OWN BLOG!!!

So, here goes: KtCallista- thank you! There is one thing I could use right about now. I have quite a list going, but this is the only one I could really use right now or it will be too late (planning to order online and have things shipped UPS). Do you happen to have some Epsom Salt? Or could you get some and I could pay you back? I could really use it for my ingrown toenail. I'm really hoping I don't have to go back to the doctor for my appointment on Tuesday to have it removed, now that the infection is gone. I didn't think Epsom salt would help before. I mean I've used it for sore muscles, but not something like this. Someone at Camp Grizzly before I left told me it actually would help, so I'm going to try it if I can?

Candy- I'm so glad Angela got to go to VBS! I was a little worried about that! Tell her MOMMY. LOVES. HER. SO. MUCH. and I'll see her soon, but I can't talk to her right now. I'm doing this as much for her and her brother and sister as I am for myself and her daddy. She won't understand now, but I'm hoping someday she will!

Sojourner- Huh? I think I'm missing something? What are you talking about? I mean, I know what you're talking about, but I don't get the connection between that and my post? How'd you come up with that from that? I'm sure you had a point. You always do, but I don't get it!

Chloe At The Park, Me On The Computer, Jeremiah's Crazy!!!

This is Chloe at the park in Potlatch, Idaho. Isn't she beautiful?! I have no idea what this is she's standing in front of? If someone who's maybe spent some more time at the park in Potlatch could tell me what this is, I'd love to know!?

Okay, it's official! My son's a freak!

Umm, there must be a cute girl nearby??!!!
This is me sitting at my our family computer at home, looking like my usual dorky self!

It's kind of late at Camp Grizzly, my toe hurts, and it's been a long day, so I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow. Good night!

My Kids "Big" Personality And Me, Struggling

I'm pretty sure Angela took this picture. She absolutely loves taking pictures. I'm pretty sure she's going to take photography classes the first chance she gets! And I KNOW she took these pictures of her egg, Bob. Bob got eaten, but not for a long time. We buy eggs in bulk. They have these large crate things stacked on each other at WinCo and that's how we buy them. Josh and I being on a high protein diet, eat a lot of eggs, so that's why. Angela decided to draw on this one and name it Bob. She then put it back into the refridgerator. Neither Josh or I had the heart to eat it for a very long time. I smiled every time I opened the refridgerator and saw "Bob" all by himself with all the eggs around him already eaten. Bob is gone now, so I'm assuming Josh finally ate him. "Bob" couldn't live forever, after all:)

It's exhausting having kids with such big personalities, but it's also really fun. I do understand why my mom decided to crush my spirit rather than enjoy my God-given personality, but somehow I can't do that with my kids. While it is exhausting, it's also a blast and why I love them so much. It is hard to teach them to behave appropriately in public. Sometimes it's okay to be crazy and sometimes it isn't. I, myself, as I've begun to revive my "big" personality have a hard tiem learning how to control myself. I was shut up inside myself for so long, it's hard to know when to "let it all out" and when to hold back. It's also hard to let myself just be sad sometimes and cry. It's hard to know who to trust and when to do it. And sometimes I hold back for so long that I can't when it is appropriate and I should. It's very frustrating. I've been dealing a lot with the fact that I couldn't cry in my home growing up and I never received comfort from anyone. In fact, my pain was never affirmed. I was always told to "quit being a baby" and that it wasn't that big a deal. ALWAYS! Whether it was a pet that had died or my boyfriend raping me. It wasn't a big deal and wasn't okay to cry about it. I just had to suck it up and get on with life. I couldn't. After one thing after another and so much pain buried inside of me, I couldn't keep it together and I still can't. I am in a great deal of pain over the fact that I'm not supposed to hurt and I'm not supposed to wish I had a real flesh and blood mother whose lap I could crawl into and cry, and not even really have a reason for it, except that I never got to as a child. And then, I realize that I'm way too old for that, and it's too late. And that hurts, sooooo much, I can't even tell you. I wish I was okay being me, but I'm not. I wish I was okay dealing with these things on my own, but I'm not. However, I'm not okay dealing with them in front of people either. I'm ashamed even to admit that I have this need for flesh and blood to comfort me and be there for me emotionally. I'm not supposed to need that. I'm supposed to be my happy, sanguine self, all the time.

"Waking The Dead" by John Eldredge

Again, no pictures. Just me! I finished the book I was reading by John Eldredge called "Waking The Dead." I'd do a complete review on here, but I gave the book back to my friend and counselor, Shari. She's supposed to give me a new book today, that I'm being limited to one chapter a week on. (She figured out that I'm a "ravenous" reader!) This one is called "Relationships." Not sure who it's by. I'll tell you when I get my hands on it! She would have brought it to our session yesterday, but she forgot. She wasn't surprised that I had finished the Eldredge book! She knew I was getting through it fairly quickly! It's a great book, and really I think every Christian should read! It talks about a subject that I think most Christians know somewhere inside of them, but they often doubt, because it's never covered in church! It certainly isn't covered in my church. John Eldredge talks about the heart and he lets us know that in Christ are hearts are good! That might sound unbiblical to you, because we're told so much how our hearts are "desperately evil" and that the "desires of our hearts are only evil all the time." It does say that in the bible, but they're taking it out of context. It's when our hearts and minds are turned away from God that they're evil, and of course, before we know Christ. Hearing this from my pastor so much had made me even doubt my spiritual gifts or even my ability to recognize them or even know what I'm supposed to be doing right now. It made me doubt whether I should be writing or doing anything outside of just being a quiet, well-behaved wife and mother. I'm not even sure if that's possible for me! I've never been quiet or well-behaved by most people's standards! I think I'm occassionally well-behaved by God's standards, but definitely not people's standards! I'm sort of obnoxious. I hope I'm obnoxious for Christ and not against. I've been against Him at times and at those times I'm MISERABLE! I hate it, and quickly turn back in repentance. I think my pastor doubted my repentance to some extent. I don't mean to badmouth my pastor. He's a wonderful, godly man, and a great teacher with a good heart, just like the rest of us who are following Christ with our whole hearts! Do you notice how much I'm emphasizing the heart! It's very important! It's central to our faith! Many like myself have been tempted to shut down our hearts, and I fear that many have, because we feel we can't trust them even in Christ! That is the impression we get when we get told that even once we've received Christ that "the desires of our hearts are only evil all the time." But we can't love God without our hearts. We can't love people without our hearts, which are the two greatest commandments according to Jesus! He wouldn't ask us to do that if our hearts could not be cured in Him! The bible also says that He gives us a new heart. If you still don't believe me look up in your concordance all the times you see the word heart in the bible. I think you'll find that He says a whole lot of positive things about the heart! And....pick up a copy of John Eldredge's book, "Waking The Dead."