My Own Personal "Shack" Part 6

How do you like the new title for my blog? Felt it explained a little better what you might expect to find here. Not much that's important! LOL! I've been doing well. Have had some periods of mourning, over what could have been, you know, had I done this sooner, how much easier my family's life could have been. And also, since I had to leave for a while the things I've missed out on. I saw pictures on facebook of my brandnew baby niece when she was only a few miles away and knowing that my kids were there to see the baby. Oh, how my heart ached! I cried and cried in my house all by myself. I cried over my daughter's post on how much she misses her mommy. She ripped my "mommy" heart right out of my chest. I so wish she didn't have to do through this. I never wanted this for her or anyone else in my family. It sounds like they're all doing well, though, for the most part. Jeremiah's earned one merit badge and is working on two more this week. I sure hope I heal and am able to function better in life after this time. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I've been working my way slowly out of the house. I went to the store, cause I needed more water-proof bandages. I learned the hard way that I most definitely did not want to go in the shower band-aid free! Pelting water on the toe, no matter how softly pelting, really hurts! Don't worry it gets soaked in water morning and night, so it does get clean. It's looking sort of odd. I sure hope it's healing properly. It's sort of gross looking. Eeeeewwww! It still really hurts sometimes, like last night. I've been experiencing a lot of other physical pain, some of it, believe it or not, associated with depression! I never knew you could be in such emotional turmoil that it actually physically hurts! After all that crying and feeling like I would never get well the other day, I started to have this horrible pain in my chest, like something was sitting on it. At first I thought I might be having a heart attack! It scared me half to death, and it occurred to me that it could be from the pain in my emotional heart that was causing it. Now, I am almost positive it was, and occasionally it returns. I've also had backpain, which I think is due to the awkward and uncomfortable positions I often have to sleep and sit in, in order to keep my foot elevated. It was very painful yesterday and this morning. I had to do many different stretches to finally get it to where I could still stand myself. Oh, it hurt.

Anyway, the anxiety attack. I was actually, quite impressed with myself as I first went out yesterday, because I saw a friend who knows about all of this, and I greeted her joyfully. I was genuinely glad to see her. She insisted on a hug and I gladly obliged! After that I went into the store and really was smiling (cause I was so happy to see my very understanding friend) and not scared at all. I got some make-up and the band-aids and headed home. No big deal! Then, I saw a sheriff's car in my neighbor's driveway and I'm telling you I had heart palpatations. Talk about paranoid! It's not like I've broken the law or anything, but somehow in my mind, even though I know this, I was thinking," Yeah, they're at my neighbors, but they're looking for me. I just know it. The neighbors think I'm crazy and they sent him to question me and take me in!" I even walked dreadfully (palms sweaty, heart racing, barely able to breathe, even heavier chest than before, and my back started to hurt again) up to my house and slowly opened my door, expecting someone to be there waiting for me. No one was there. I've seen that sheriff's car in that driveway before. I'm pretty sure they're friends and he has lunch over there, sometimes. I'm just ridiculously paranoid and sure everyone thinks I'm a freak:( I was very disappointed in myself. I really need to get over this! I know God can heal this, but it's taken so LONG! I've been praying over this for over 6 years now! I NEED to be better. I need to have a testimony and feel like I can talk about God without shame, knowing that I don't really live up to it:( I'm seriously sometimes ashamed to admit I'm a Christian, because I bring such shame to the faith. I'm an awful person. Why would anyone want to come to Christ who sees me in such turmoil all the time! I'm still hanging in there, though, and trying to push through this. I know I can't avoid the pain. I have to push through it or it'll just keep coming back. I'm just worried it will anyway:(

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 4

If you've been wondering if it's occurred to me that there might be some risk involved in this commitment of mine, it has. I've realized several things.





1. I could get so comfortable here that I become an agoraphobic.





Yes, it could happen, but I seriously doubt it. I'm such an extreme extrovert that to me the fact that I haven't driven myself crazy yet is proof of God's approval of this plan! I usually get pretty lonely by the second day of no direct human contact. I'm not lonely! I'm loving every minute I have with my Jesus. In fact, a really cool thing happened the other day. I was getting ready to soak my toe and thinking about how God had not told me anything real clearly just yet, and I had this thought-prayer, "God, I think maybe you're holding off, because you're just really enjoying having me all to Yourself." After I thought that it occurred to me that this was the first time EVER in my entire life, that I had seriously thought that God might actually enjoy me! ME! Shellie Paparazzo, former drug addict, alcoholic, barely knows what a boundary is let alone does she ever keep one, fit-throwing, all too often fakey, oversensitive, used to sleep around a lot (half the guys I've slept with I didn't even know their names) ME! God might actually enjoy that person! Really?! Yes, really! Crazy as it may sound I believe it! I'm truly beginning to believe it to the core of my being! I KNOW that I know that He loves me and has completely forgiven me, at least most of the time, I think. It's funny how some of the smaller, more recent things are harder for me to let go of then the really "big" sins of my past. I guess mostly because right now they're so close to my heart and mind. I also have realized that I am struggling with guilt over things that are probably not even things I should be feeling guilty about. I guess that's what they call false guilt. I feel guilty whenever I spend my husband's hard earned money. Even when it's for things I need, just because it's for me! I've even felt guilty for buying groceries, as if I don't even deserve to eat! I've felt guilty for getting an ingrown toenail and needing to go to the doctor. I've felt guilty for buying summer clothes and for buying things for the kids to do this summer. I even felt guilty for buying the devotional book that is helping me so much right now! I feel guilty for not working outside the home. I feel guilty for sending my kids to public school, even though I know that for us it was the best choice. It was the best choice because I can't handle having the kids home all the time! How awful is that!!! I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. I feel guilty for needing counseling. I feel guilty for having to take antidepressants and allergy medicine. You get the idea. I feel guilty for anything and everything that might take away from what someone else might have been able to have.

2. My neighbors could decide I'm so crazy that they never allow their children anywhere near me or my home again! Can you imagine how awful that would be for my poor kids?!

3. I could get sick or hurt and not be able to call for help and no one would have a clue for days! Pretty slim chance, but it could happen. Please don't bug me constantly just because it might happen!

All in all, I think the possible benefits are worth the risk! I'm having a great time with Jesus!

More Easter Fun!

You know, I never tire of blogging! I love it! The girls continued their Easter fun today! While Jeremiah and I were at the opening ceremonies for baseball, they were at an Easter egg hunt at East City Park. Angela got one of the big prizes cause she found one of the special eggs, so she got a whole 'nother Easter basket! It had a decorative four square ball in it. She would have rather had a basketball, but someone got that one before her, so she'll have to wait on her basketball. She's planning to play next year. She really misses ice hockey, but we just can't afford it. It's too expensive. The equipment is expensive and then they have to travel and stay overnight if they want to play much! She couldn't do any travelling last year, so she missed most of the games. All of the tournaments, except for our tournament here in Moscow. I really don't think it was worth it, but I think she feels differently. I felt bad about not being able to take her to the tournaments and far away games, so we decided not to do it this year. I really wish we could, but we also have two other kids to pay for their stuff, too, so we really can't.

The kids also, all three of them, got Easter baskets from our sweet neighbor, known as "grandma." She's pretty sweet. And to go along with all that candy, she always gives them a new toothbrush and toothpaste! I love the idea! I'm not so sure the kids are impressed!