How God Uses Writing To Help Me On My Journey

You know what I love?! Well, anyone who reads this blog, because I adore "talking" which is only fun if someone is "listening" and it just pleases me so much that anyone would want to "listen" to all of my rambling!:) BUT, what I really love is how God uses something I thought was meant to minister to someone else to minister to ME!!! I was told almost a year ago that I should write a book after telling a funny story about something one of my kids had done or I had done or whatever! I don't remember what the story was about, just that it was funny. (I love funny!) I told this friend that I already had written a book that I was then doing more research on and rewriting. I told her "It's a devotional book written from my study of 1 Corinthians."

She said, "No, that's not the book you should be writing. You should write a book about your life."

I replied, incredulously, "My life! Why write a book about my life? Nobody would want to read that! My life is boring!"

She said, "Uhhhhhhh, nooooo, it's not. You're life is fascinating, the things you've experienced, the things your kids say and do. You are always telling funny stories that actually have happened in your life, just like that one. You should write a book telling all those funny stories and other stories from your life of things you've experienced that may not be funny but they're interesting."

I had always been afraid to write my life story, though I'd thought about it, and been told that I should before. Not because of anything positive in my life, but because of my pain. People thought, as much as I love to write, that maybe writing it would be healing for me and possibly someday be able to help someone else. I was waiting for the healing I'd been desperately seeking to occur before I did that, but I decided then that I would put my 1 Corinthians project aside and began writing about my life. Yes, I was still in a lot of pain, but just cause I wrote it didn't mean I had to let anyone else read it! I could just hang onto, possibly editting it later to shine a more positive light on all that had happened to me. So, I began at the beginning talking about my birth, and all of the drama surrounding that. (Yes, it's dramatic when you enter the world with a cataract over your left eye and blind in that eye, and having glaucoma!) I asked God to show me what He wanted me to write. What stories I needed to tell. I've found out that even in those early years of hospital stays and abuse, that my life wasn't just painful. I remembered some really fun and interesting things, like my first horse show when I was five years old where I won a blue ribbon :) It HAS been incredibly healing for me, but not just because I'm "getting out" all the old baggage that has hurt me for years, though, consciously, I try not to even think about it and am usually successful, but this never-ending ache continues on. I'm not saying I don't still hurt; that I don't still need help from God and others to deal with the painful things. It's just neat to see all of the wonderful experiences i had mixed in with that. It's a relief to know that God had good things in my life, even then, when I didn't know Him and didn't want to. He was there even when I rejected Him. He was there in the time I spent with the horses and other animals on the farm. He was there in the times I did participate in sports and not do a sickeningly horrible job. He was there, keeping me sane through it all. He gave me people every now and again who were nice to me and he gave me people who were fun and wanted to have fun with me. No, I didn't have anyone I could call a close friend. I never learned how to talk things through, something I'm still learning; how to share my pain. I'm still not good at it and it feels awkward and weird and the words never come out right. I wish people understood more. I wish I understood more. But God let me have some fun, even while most of the authority figures in my life were only hurting me. I'm still scared to talk about that things that hurt, cause so many have used those very things against me. People I should have been able to trust. I already had trust issues and then they added more. I'm struggling right now and have hardly slept in days. I can feel the bags under my eyes, and they're burning as I toss and turn at night with all the memories that I can't quite come to terms with. I'm so tired and my head hurts. I threw out my neck and apparently hips and back at some point last week, so at times I can't even move my head without excruciating pain. I went to the chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment since I could hardly turn my head at all. It still hurt after he adjusted me and I still didn't have full range of motion. I'm almost back to full range today, but will need to go back in again tomorrow to get adjusted again. So, yes, I'm struggling, but God is so good to me and has helped me remember the good times, too! He's used an old "friend" from my growing up years to help with that. I love her so much and wish we could spend time together in person, but she lives in another town and we both have very busy lives, each with three kids and a husband, and she is a working mom, which I can't even imagine the pressure of! Yet, she stays so positive even when she sometimes gets overwhelmed. Don't we all! Love you, Jenny! And I'm just so glad for all the good that I see in my life!!! God is good and He will and most likely, IS healing me, even if I can't see it right now.

Discouraging People

Apparently, I've changed this summer. You wouldn't know it from the reactions from my church, but maybe I have. I don't know. I don't really feel much different, which sucks, cause I've always felt like crap :( I'd really like that not to be the case anymore. I do trust and believe God on a whole new level than ever before. I have seen Him faithfully minister to me this summer, which only encourages me to keep going and keep seeking Him and keep looking for opportunities to serve Him, even in small ways, and to keep looking for the help that I need in healing from my past abuse. I know He will be faithful, in His time. I may not understand why He does things the way He does, but I can trust that He is on my side.

It was hard before, to even want to keep going, cause everyone around me was questioning whether or not I was truly repentant, and whether or not I was hearing God at all. From their reactions it felt like I'd never changed. Not ever, in my entire Christian walk, which, while they may have thought it motivating, after dedicating and rededicating myself to Christ for 16 years, it was actually rather discouraging. Why bother? If my life is no different than before, if I'm no different than before, what good is my seeking Him doing? It's not helping me, and it's most certainly not helping anyone else come to know Him! Don't try to motivate someone by discouraging them. Don't be skeptical of what they say God is doing or telling them. It's not helpful. Unless, you can absolutely see that what they are saying is unbiblical, don't do that! It's not motivating! It's discouraging! I am going to avoid skeptical people for a very long time, cause I REALLY don't need that! That's exactly the kind of "motivation" that my abusive mother used on me, calling me stupid when I'd mess up, or lazy, thinking that it would make me want to prove her wrong. Most people don't operate like that, and it's very hurtful. Especially to a young child. I would like to spend time around people who really do have true faith in God. And not only faith in what He can do in church leaders lives, but everyday, ordinary people, or even damaged people like myself!

Update, Family Reunion, and Counseling

Well, I am exhausted, and that is probably the understatement of the century. Last night after I finally got off of here at about 2o till 3, I got ready for bed. And then laid down to go to sleep, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was going a thousand miles an hour as always, but mostly only because I had heartburn to keep me awake, and for some reason, unlike my husband, if I'm awake I'm thinking. ALWAYS! Always thinking. Even if it's something totally insane and doesn't really matter at all, like whether or not greeks have weird sayings when they don't understand something, like when we say. "It's greek to me." I mean obviously that's not saying anything in Greece (Just an extra special glimpse into my odd mind:))! Anyway, since I had heartburn mostly I thought "this really hurts and I wish it would go away," "Please God, make it go away. I need sleep," and "this really sucks cause I actually do have to get up in the morning and be awake all day at a family reunion." I told God all about it, and got up to take a bath, cause that's what I do in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I'm not sure why. Somehow bath's are just comforting to me. I do this a lot when I'm sick or in some sort of pain, whether it be emotional or physical. Seriously, when I'm upset and know I can't just cry a little and not talk to anyone outloud about it, I go take a bath and bawl my head off and cry out to God. He's been very faithful here as of late in comforting me. I'm sure He was before, too, but I've never really had my whole heart in it, like I have this summer. Mostly in the past I doubted whether or not He even really cared and found it necessary to help Him decide what I needed. I'm not helping Him anymore, I'm just letting Him do it, and to my amazement He's actually quite good at His job, without my help! That was truly shocking, to realize that He can handle me on His own, He really doesn't need my help. I don't think I even consciously realized I was trying to help Him do His job until this last week or so, and then started wondering what's so different about my time devoted entirely to Him (quiet time and other times that I set aside when necessary throughout the day) than ever before. And that's when I realized that the difference was quite simple actually. I quit sort of telling Him what He needed do with me, and just said, "Uh, help! I don't really know what I need exactly. Could you show me?" What a concept! Actually, in trying to help Him, I was only getting in the way! I do realize that I need to get out and seek out people to talk to and be friends with, and maybe a counselor, or something like that, but I don't need to fret about it. When I get a lead on a counselor, I'll contact them and let God take care of the rest. I actually have a couple of leads right now, but I'm waiting till school starts to deal with that. These last couple of weeks before school starts are just a little to crazy to be doing that right now.

I had a good time at the family reunion, but after only about 3 hours of sleep, I'm pretty tired this evening. Can hardly wait for bedtime, even though, knowing me I'll still stay up ridiculously late!:) I am a nightowl. Have been since I was a small child. My mom said even as young as early elementary school age, if she made me go to bed, she'd often find me staring at the ceiling until about 10 o'clock. I guess God just made me this way. Not really sure why. He just did. I finally met one of Josh's cousins that I've been talking with frequently on facebook. A really fantastic young woman, and I'm so happy to be related to her even if it is only as an outlaw :) Yes, this was my husband's family, not mine. No offense, but if it was mine, I would not be happy about it! I actually have met her before, but only formally, once every 2 years at the Judd family reunion. So, didn't really know her at all. Thanks to facebook, I feel like I know her a little, and that helped me to be much more relaxed at this reunion. I mean, obviously, I know Josh's siblings and his mom, but not the rest of them as much. Absolutely love my sis-in-law, Candy. She is one of the most amazing people I know, and I'm not just saying that because she happens to read this blog :) I really mean it! I've never met anyone who could be as content as she is, in such humble circumstances. I'm sometimes a little jealous of her enjoyment in such simplicity. I require sparkly things to be happy:) You know, very girly things. Make-up of all shorts of colors and varieties, in case I get bored with my normal shade. All sorts of wonderful, preferably sparkly nailpolish, of many colors and shades! I'm getting quite bored with having my natural haircolor, with no highlights, lowlights, streaks or anything! That is just WRONG!!! And of course, sparkly jewelry, duh!! And, I just love that even sparkly clothes are in fashion! I just love to sparkle! One can I say!? If I didn't know better, I might just light a sparkler and put it in my hair and walk around like that! LOL!

Wow! Well, I mentioned the counseling situation. This group, the NANC, is apparently quite legalistic. They do not deal with wounded hearts on any level, only sinful hearts. I had started to get that feeling. It seemed as if all of my pain was only do to my own, personal sin. None of it stemmed from my abusive childhood at all. That's why I completed believed my friend when she told me that she had found the group to be legalistic. I had not even told her of my experiences at that point. I had only been telling her about the ministries that my church was involved in and had not told her that I was in counseling at all! So, I had not prompted that in any way. In fact, I was being quite positive about how great it was that we would soon have trained, Biblical Counselors, in Moscow, again. (She was the only one, before.) But when I told her the group they were training through, she balked. She even expressed concern that people could actually be hurt even more deeply with this type of counseling. She had no idea, and still doesn't that I had experienced this exact thing. Somehow I felt too ashamed of myself, to admit to her how much I am still struggling, all these years after I had been seeing her as a counselor, before she moved away. Anyway, I'm hoping to find someone else, soon.

I'm Back! Sorry For The Long Break

Wow! I have left you guys hanging for a really long time! Since it's past 2 am and I have to get up in just a few hours to go to a family reunion, I'll just let you all know I'm still here. We're all here in fact. I did make it back for the last camp. I left that very night after that last post I wrote and spent the weekend at Camp Grizzly. I'm still hurting. I've learned a few very disappointing things about the counseling group that I've been working with. I'll explain more in a future post, but what it boils down to is legalism, which is one of my biggest pet peeves anyway. I don't need people trying to make me all perfect without any compassion whatsoever and that's basically what they're doing. However, God has been very good to me, and has been ministering to me all by Himself! Who knew? He really doesn't need any help! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt at this point that He has not failed me. Other frail human beings have failed me, but He has not, and I can trust Him to continue to lead me! And now, I better go to bed, or tomorrow (um, actually, today) is going to be horrible!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 19

Well, it's not quite as late as when I got on here last night. I was feeling some pain that I didn't understand today. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, and then I remembered praying that I would be more sensitive to others needs. I've prayed this several times in my life, but I'm wondering if maybe the healing I've been doing has allowed me to do that. If my heart is just sensitive enough to feel others pain. You see, a friend of mine...well, we're not real close, but I consider her a friend, lost a close family member, in a tragic accident yesterday. I know she is really hurting right now, and I wonder if I was feeling a little bit of that. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I've lost friends and family members, but never someone young that I was very close to. I don't have a really close family, so I can't say if I lost one of them that I'd be in as deep of pain as she is right now. But I can imagine how I might feel, and yet at the same time, I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, I was close to Dave, but he wasn't as young as this person, and he'd been sick for a long time, so it wasn't a total shock, like this is. I do hope that it is me sympathizing with her, because otherwise I have no idea where this pain was coming from. I hadn't been thinking about past abuse or anything like that.

I did have to apologize to God for spending most of my day playing around on facebook and twitter instead of spending time with Him. I didn't get into the word until after dinner!!!! That is very unlike me! That did make a difference and I definitely feel bad, but I confessed my sin and I fully believe that He has forgiven me, and I asked Him to help me do better tomorrow! I have complete confidence that I have regained my focus and tomorrow will be all about Him again! So, tomorrow's a new day!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 9

Well, I've really whipped through a lot of pages of Beth Moore's devotional journal today. I'm telling you that woman reaches down inside of me and grabs my heart with the questions she asks. She really has a way of getting to the heart of the issue and helping me to see where I don't really believe God. I say I do, but do I really? Do you, really? Are we so good at giving Sunday School answers that we never realize that our hearts haven't caught up? That we don't really believe what we're saying? Right now, I am telling God what I know, but I don't believe and begging Him to help me to believe! Only He can do that. I can learn the information until the day I die, but until it makes it's way into my heart, it won't make a difference in my life. I NEED a difference in my life. I NEED to change, and I can't change myself, I've tried. He has to change me, and I'm choosing to believe that He will.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 6

How do you like the new title for my blog? Felt it explained a little better what you might expect to find here. Not much that's important! LOL! I've been doing well. Have had some periods of mourning, over what could have been, you know, had I done this sooner, how much easier my family's life could have been. And also, since I had to leave for a while the things I've missed out on. I saw pictures on facebook of my brandnew baby niece when she was only a few miles away and knowing that my kids were there to see the baby. Oh, how my heart ached! I cried and cried in my house all by myself. I cried over my daughter's post on how much she misses her mommy. She ripped my "mommy" heart right out of my chest. I so wish she didn't have to do through this. I never wanted this for her or anyone else in my family. It sounds like they're all doing well, though, for the most part. Jeremiah's earned one merit badge and is working on two more this week. I sure hope I heal and am able to function better in life after this time. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I've been working my way slowly out of the house. I went to the store, cause I needed more water-proof bandages. I learned the hard way that I most definitely did not want to go in the shower band-aid free! Pelting water on the toe, no matter how softly pelting, really hurts! Don't worry it gets soaked in water morning and night, so it does get clean. It's looking sort of odd. I sure hope it's healing properly. It's sort of gross looking. Eeeeewwww! It still really hurts sometimes, like last night. I've been experiencing a lot of other physical pain, some of it, believe it or not, associated with depression! I never knew you could be in such emotional turmoil that it actually physically hurts! After all that crying and feeling like I would never get well the other day, I started to have this horrible pain in my chest, like something was sitting on it. At first I thought I might be having a heart attack! It scared me half to death, and it occurred to me that it could be from the pain in my emotional heart that was causing it. Now, I am almost positive it was, and occasionally it returns. I've also had backpain, which I think is due to the awkward and uncomfortable positions I often have to sleep and sit in, in order to keep my foot elevated. It was very painful yesterday and this morning. I had to do many different stretches to finally get it to where I could still stand myself. Oh, it hurt.

Anyway, the anxiety attack. I was actually, quite impressed with myself as I first went out yesterday, because I saw a friend who knows about all of this, and I greeted her joyfully. I was genuinely glad to see her. She insisted on a hug and I gladly obliged! After that I went into the store and really was smiling (cause I was so happy to see my very understanding friend) and not scared at all. I got some make-up and the band-aids and headed home. No big deal! Then, I saw a sheriff's car in my neighbor's driveway and I'm telling you I had heart palpatations. Talk about paranoid! It's not like I've broken the law or anything, but somehow in my mind, even though I know this, I was thinking," Yeah, they're at my neighbors, but they're looking for me. I just know it. The neighbors think I'm crazy and they sent him to question me and take me in!" I even walked dreadfully (palms sweaty, heart racing, barely able to breathe, even heavier chest than before, and my back started to hurt again) up to my house and slowly opened my door, expecting someone to be there waiting for me. No one was there. I've seen that sheriff's car in that driveway before. I'm pretty sure they're friends and he has lunch over there, sometimes. I'm just ridiculously paranoid and sure everyone thinks I'm a freak:( I was very disappointed in myself. I really need to get over this! I know God can heal this, but it's taken so LONG! I've been praying over this for over 6 years now! I NEED to be better. I need to have a testimony and feel like I can talk about God without shame, knowing that I don't really live up to it:( I'm seriously sometimes ashamed to admit I'm a Christian, because I bring such shame to the faith. I'm an awful person. Why would anyone want to come to Christ who sees me in such turmoil all the time! I'm still hanging in there, though, and trying to push through this. I know I can't avoid the pain. I have to push through it or it'll just keep coming back. I'm just worried it will anyway:(

A New Chapter In Our Lives (with some emphasis on: Chloe)

This is my darling daughter, Chloe, "modeling" for us.....with her Orange Julius in hand. Hey, she was thirsty. Shopping is thirsty work! This was last weekend when Josh and Jeremiah went on a hiking and camping trip. So, what did me and the girls do?.....Shop! What else is there? Even in all of my pain and challenges I look at pictures like these or the girls themselves (and my son) and remember that I am truly blessed. I mean, look at just this one! At Chloe. Could she be more perfect! Created in the image of God! Wow! She is such a joy, and often gets overlooked in the larger scheme of things with the older two and ALLLLLLL of their activities, which is why I am highlighting her today! She is so sweet and innocent (something I never have been. Didn't have that priviledge.) and so content (also something I have never been.). She's also very talented. She is still developping her gifts and talents, so it is hard to find things to write about with her. She loves music and has taken a few intermitent(sp?) piano lessons. I'm told she is picking it up very quickly. I've always suspected she had some musical talent! She has a very sanguine personality and how does she usually express it?....Why she sings, of course! What else is there in life, after all!!!! I was the same. I would always make up songs about life events and sing other songs preveiously written, like "Jesus Loves Me," which I knew from the earliest point of my childhood that I can remember, even though I did not know Jesus personally at the time and did not even know you could have a personal relationship with Jesus. My parents church didn't teach that and my parents certainly never taught me that either! I've since found out they don't even believe in the same Jesus, I do. My Mom told me that she does not believe that Jesus is God. Wow! That was a shock to my system, since, at least to me, it is so clear in scripture that that is who Jesus claimed to be, so as far as I'm concerned, if you don't believe that Jesus is God, then you don't believe the bible, and subsequently, aren't a believer. Ouch! My mom's on her way to hell! Thank God I can pray for her! Anyway, I got off track a bit. Nobody ever told me or Chloe that musicals weren't realistic. Somebody told me that in the last couple of years. They said that people don't break out into song in real life. I was like, "They don't? That's funny, cause I do all the time! So that's why people look at me funny in the grocery store when I'm singing or humming to myself while I'm shopping!" Seriously, I do. I don't sing loudly, but I sing. Only when I'm generally in a good mood, which I believe is my true personality, not this ugly depression thing that takes over way too often and for too long. I haven't been singing much recently. But Chloe? Chloe sings all the time. When she first started going to school all day, Jeremiah and Angela came home and told me, "Mom, it's embarrassing! She sings in the lunch line and everyone stares at her, and she doesn't seem to care! She just keeps singing!" I just smiled and said, "So she's happy. Let her sing!" And so we do! We just let her sing, but as she got older we'd hear her "experimenting" (that's the only thing I can think to call it) with her voice in her bedroom, changing octaves to make different sounds and what-not (those of you who've studied music would probably have better terms for it than I do). She has always just sort of bounced through the house singing to herself. She recently came to know Jesus as her Lord and Savior, and you have never seen a child so on fire! She's always telling me how she's going to "make" her friends be Christians. I keep telling her you can't "make" people be Christians. They have to choose it for themselves. Okay, so she's a little overzealous, but haven't we all been at some point in our Christian walk, if we take our faith seriously at all! I was the same way when I first came to know the Lord! I was irritating! (Boy we do seem to be a lot alike, don't we?!) She's recently asked to be baptized, which is something we're still talking about. She has to talk with Pastor Kim about that and then we'll see. So be looking for that post. I am sure at some point this spring, my last child to be baptized will be baptized. I've not mentioned her coming to know the Lord, because to be honest with you, it's an odd and wonderful sort of thing, that I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around, that all of my children are now believers! I love it, but it definitely feels like a new chapter in our lives as a family is beginning. Something to ponder. My son will be going to junior high next year and turning 13! Things are shifting for sure, and in some ways (like teenage thing) I'm not sure I like it. I like that they're believers, but I'm constantly asking, "What next, Lord? Now what?" I know their faith is just beginning to bud and flourish and this is only the beginning, but not having any idea what's coming bothers me sometimes. I mean, I know in general, but it's a little nerve-wracking thinking about the temptations and challenges they will soon be faced with, and that really, I don't have any control over that. And that they will have to make those decisions for themselves. I can't make it for them. I feel like slowly, but surely control over my children's lives is being taken from me, and for the record, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT!!!! It's how it was meant to be, I know, but I'm a control freak, people! I can't allow this to happen! But I don't really have a choice, do I? No, I don't. So here we go! This new chapter in our lives is beginning, and all I can do is pray! And pray, I shall!!!!