What We Call Ourselves

Okay, I was just looking through my notes from that week that stuff was just leaping off the page at me, and most of it, I feel was just for me, so I won't be sharing it on here. I'm not real sure you'd get it anyway :) He is a very personal God that way, which is exactly the way I like Him....Well, most of the time. You know, sometimes when He gets up in my business I don't like it too much, but it's always for my best, so yeah, that's the way I like Him. I did think a lot about names and how they affect us. How we tend to live out what we are called even if it's a lie. I have found this to be true. My pastor has been teaching from the book of John and if I remember correctly it was John who referred to Himself as the "disciple whom Jesus loved." I was thinking and even wrote down in my notes, how much more we would trust Him, if we all thought of ourselves that way. Cause really, I'm the disciple that Jesus loves, and so are you. We all are!! So, why don't we think that way about ourselves and talk that way about ourselves? I think it starts out as something we feel would be too prideful, so we don't say it or write it, or however we communicate, we don't communicate to others that we are loved by Jesus. We say "Jesus loves YOU" but how often do we say "Jesus loves me." Not often, and I think we need to. I don't think it's arrogant to say that I'm the disciple Jesus loves. Other people might, but I think it's honest. He does. In all my imperfection, all my failures, all my sin, Jesus loves ME! Totally and completely. Pastor talked a few weeks ago about how labels define us, even when we don't want them, too. Oh, how I know that to be true! I was labelled, "stupid", "ugly", "lazy", "a failure", and all sorts of other things and I've believed them and proved them over and over again. I'm trying to replace those old lies with God's Truth. I'm trying to believe what He says about me. I'm saying His Truth from His Word out loud. I'm memorizing His Word (or trying to anyway) and studying it. Recently on Twitter, one of my followers said that I had "strength and beauty in my God", when trying to suggest people to follow. I did a double take. Wait, did that say @shellpaparazzo (my twitter name)? Why, yes, it did! What did she just call me. I went to bed that night with the thought in my head, "I am strong and beautiful," and I smiled! If my toe wasn't hurting so badly, I probably would have actually slept as well! I felt such peace and love thinking of myself that way. Did I feel arrogant? Not at all!!! I know I didn't come by strength and beauty on my own! God gave them to me! No effort of mine made me that way. I believe that in the time that person started following me, I had begun to express strength and beauty even on twitter, as God has been transforming my mind and changing my heart! I love Him so much! And I am so grateful! There is no way I would be anywhere or be able to do anything without Him! I know that to the depth of my being! I know who I was when He found me better than anyone does, and trust me when I tell you, I believe in miracles, because I AM ONE!! No doubt about it! Now, I hope this blog post can be followed somewhat. I know I mostly just spit out my thoughts! Final thought (although I think I might have mentioned it earlier): I LOVE JESUS!!!!!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 20

Well, today was nearly disastrous. I almost quit on all of you. Thanks to God connecting me with a wonderful friend via twitter (the friend I believe I've mentioned before) she was able to redirect my mind back to God. At least sort of, enough for me to be functional again at least and not just laying in my bed crying quite loudly and trying to pray but unable to get the words out through my sobbing. (Screaming?) I don't know it was pretty loud and obnoxious. Not sure I've ever made a sound quite like that before. It even scared me. This was pain coming from so deep inside myself that I'm not even 100% percent sure what it was at all. It started by discovering I'd been blocked by some people and then of course, being angry with myself for being so annoying, which then led to me thinking, I've never been a safe person to interact with and never will be. So, despair, hopelessness, all that really wonderful stuff that characterizes my life, mostly. It is a rare occasion that I truly have great faith in God, and that shouldn't be. Of course, personally, I think hearing things like, "real Christians don't experience depression," and "you just need to trust God" and "if you had repented of all of your sins you wouldn't be feeling this way," or similar unhelpful nonsense from nearly every one in my life who could have helped or at least tried to help me find help, probably has not increased my ability to cope. I'm just saying...

Are you sensing me feeling a bit sarcastic tonight? I feel like everyone is trying to treat the symptoms and not the source. Of course, I'm not even 100% certain of the source, myself. Very well-meaning people, who, I know are genuinely trying to help, but don't really understand the kinds of things I've been through or what it is to live with this issue. I don't believe it is completely medical. At least not in my case. I can't speak for anyone else. I believe that there are deeply rooted feelings of continual rejection left over from my childhood that cause me to desperately cling to people who have loved me on any level. I am trying to be more careful about how much I share online and who I share with, so they're not overwhelmed, but it's hard, cause I do want connection with certain people even if they don't respond back to me. I'm forcing myself to not @mention people on twitter, unless it's a matter that has to do with them directly. Or, if I'm responding to something they said, obviously. Anyway, people tell me things like I should finish one task each day, so I have a sense of accomplishment, or make a list of things I'm thankful for, or listening to music, which are all really great things, and they might help temporarily, but the problem comes when eventually the lights go out and I have to lay down and at least attempt to sleep and I still have to deal with my wounded child heart. I really do believe it's still desperately wounded, because I can see where certain things that are said to me, or done to me, are similar to the way that my parents treated me. That's when I react and become heartbroken, because I'm already heartbroken, still from the emotional neglect and abuse of my childhood. I'm beginning to wonder if I always will be. I'm seriously looking into the possibility of a Christian Mental Health facility. Getting me there would be challenging since all of them are several days drive away, at least the one's I've found so far. I really do often feel abandoned by God so often, in this very isolated from many Christian facilities, part of the country that I live in(grammar? Oh, boy! I hope you can make sense of that. I don't have time to edit.) We don't have Christian based facilities like that here, is my point. In fact, we don't have professional Christian Counselors, which is why I have suffered alone for so long in the first place!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 19

Well, it's not quite as late as when I got on here last night. I was feeling some pain that I didn't understand today. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, and then I remembered praying that I would be more sensitive to others needs. I've prayed this several times in my life, but I'm wondering if maybe the healing I've been doing has allowed me to do that. If my heart is just sensitive enough to feel others pain. You see, a friend of mine...well, we're not real close, but I consider her a friend, lost a close family member, in a tragic accident yesterday. I know she is really hurting right now, and I wonder if I was feeling a little bit of that. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I've lost friends and family members, but never someone young that I was very close to. I don't have a really close family, so I can't say if I lost one of them that I'd be in as deep of pain as she is right now. But I can imagine how I might feel, and yet at the same time, I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, I was close to Dave, but he wasn't as young as this person, and he'd been sick for a long time, so it wasn't a total shock, like this is. I do hope that it is me sympathizing with her, because otherwise I have no idea where this pain was coming from. I hadn't been thinking about past abuse or anything like that.

I did have to apologize to God for spending most of my day playing around on facebook and twitter instead of spending time with Him. I didn't get into the word until after dinner!!!! That is very unlike me! That did make a difference and I definitely feel bad, but I confessed my sin and I fully believe that He has forgiven me, and I asked Him to help me do better tomorrow! I have complete confidence that I have regained my focus and tomorrow will be all about Him again! So, tomorrow's a new day!