Goodbye,Moscow! We'll Soon Be Saying Helllllllooooo Spokane!!!

Well, I thought I'd say goodbye for a few days. I'm going to miss all of you and just miss blogging! I love it! But I need to get offline and get down to business taking care of all of the things I should have been doing all week!!! They're turning my internet off....Ummmm...well, today now. I'm not sure when, but we have an appointment to get our internet hooked up in Spokane on the 13th, so it should only be a short time, but I've never done this moving thing before with an entire family moving out of a house, so I can't predict when I'll actually get back on here. I'll try to take lots of pictures to show you some of the things that will be part of this experience. Maybe even some pictures with some of my favorite people that I'm going to miss so much here in Moscow! Some are coming to help us move, so that'll be great! I know of at least one family that will be here and I understand Josh's brother-in-law, Danny, will be here helping for sure, and I have no idea who from Real Life will show up, but it should be exciting! Goodbye until at least Tuesday most likely!

Random Babbling From Shellie

Wow! Three weeks!!!! Seriously! No wonder I've been posting ridiculously long comments on other people's blogs!!!! I've been basically writing blog posts of my own on...well....okay, Beth Moore's blog, since her's is the only one I go directly, too, without going to my blogger account first! Ha! Anyway, I had to laugh as I read some of my previous posts to catch myself up on what I had written (now that is when you KNOW it's been too long!) Anyway, yes, clearly the writer in me is STARVING!!! I might as well, except it, I'm a writer to the core of my being whether I ever choose to publish anything or not!! I just love to write, and I love the much more safe interaction of all of you not being in front of me. And my nerves just don't get in the way as much when I'm writing as when I'm with people in person. I seriously have full on anxiety attacks when I'm with others and they want to know about my personal life and my relationship with God (which is VERY personal!). You just usually can't tell because I'm very good at hiding it. Probably a skill I learned through years of public speaking growing up, which scares me to death by the way, even though people always told me I always looked so confident, especially with a microphone in my hand! Ha! If they could only look closer and see the racing heart and sweaty hands and feeling like I can't breathe. Okay, that one is new. It feels a little like an elephant is sitting on my chest and it happens regularly now!!! Yes, my chest gets very tight! I break out in a cold sweat! It's awful!

Okay, back to what I was saying about laughing (told you, highly unorganized). I'm laughing because of how much it shows how upset I get when I can't see what God is doing! I was talking about living here until my kids graduate!!! Ha! We're out of here next month! I kid you not! My husband got offered a promotion and he accepted! I never thought he'd accept a promotion until the kids were all out of school! But he did! Mostly because he started realizing, more and more, that I need HELP! And it's not going to happen as long as I live here! We're moving to Spokane, Washington, which was where the closest counselors I could find are! I was a little disappointed, because I'd finally convinced my husband to go to Real Life and now we're leaving, but they have to church plants in Spokane! And, honestly, if they didn't, I think we'd be willing to drive to Post Falls to be around loving, forgiving, gracious people who truly care! The original Real Life Ministries is in Post Falls. I'm pretty sure that's the original. I know it's the one I first knew about! I've wanted to be a part of Real Life ever since I first heard about them! They seemed like everything a church should be according to the Word of God! (Whoa! What a concept!) and when I first heard that they were coming to Moscow I was ecstatic! Just took me this long to convince my husband that's the place to be! As I understand it, they're all basically the same as far as the attitudes and hearts of the people. I'm sure they do different things depending on the needs of the people where they're at. Anyway, Jeremiah and the pastor's s0n, Caleb, between church, youth group, and school, even being on the same sports teams, have become the best of friends....and now we're moving! Thank God for facebook! That's all I have to say. And Caleb pointed out on Sunday, that Spokane's not THAT far away! It's not like they won't be up there and we won't be back here every now and again. They'll most likely still be able to see each other once in awhile other than on facebook. We do still have family in the area after all, and I'm sure we can squeeze in some friend time in all the family craziness during holidays and vacations. It will help us keep our sanity anyway, cause as much as we love family, too much time spent with ANYONE can drive you a little crazy after a while, right?! Much needed escapes are good for all involved, so we don't end up hating each other and never speaking again! Josh and I came up with a good rule of thumb. No more than 3 days spent at any relatives house. After the third day, we've observed, everybody (not just us) gets a little cranky with each other! It's a little different with friends I would imagine. You don't know each other in the same way, so you can't get in each other's business quite as painfully, plus you pick your friends based on what you like, you don't pick your family, so you get all kinds of personality conflicts mixed up in there! If you have a personality conflict with a friend, generally speaking, you just don't end up being good friends who hang out much. You don't have that option with family. So, anyway, this is a totally random post, and I think I've made the decision that I'm going to do a little more editting on here from now on, although that will mean fewer posts. Obviously, this post is the exception, being the one I'm telling you this on. It still won't be a lot of editting and it will be mostly based on my mood. If I'm in a fairly positive mood, I'll probably just go ahead and post what I wrote without editting, because there's probably not anything in there that I will regret posting later. Or at least, a little bit. Rarely do I regret it enough to delete it. Anyway, mostly when I'm feeling negative, and that doesn't mean there won't ever be anything negative on here, since depression and anxiety are huge issues in my life, but probably a little toned down and saved to be editted later, so by the time it gets to your eyes it will be more of an explanation of the frame of mind I was in than a barrage of my emotional baggage (I think that's the word I'm looking for.) Anyway, it's like only an hour until lunch time and I haven't even had breakfast yet! So.....I'm out!!!!

Busy Life!

Wow! It's been a crazy life! Had so much going on in my head and been journaling about it some, but not been on here. I've been emailing a friend who's been helping me sort stuff out. So much going on. So many decisions being made, but it's 1:30 am and I just wanted to say hi! The long and short of the biggest news in our world is I'm so done with legalism and we're now going to Real Life Ministries On The Palouse. Have only gone one Sunday so far. I loved it. Josh seemed happy with it. Jeremiah's been going to there youth group for a while, so he was thrilled. No longer feels like he's cheating on his church! Most of his friends from school go to Real Life, so that's why he was going to youth group there. The girls?! Oh, my! They loved it so much they were practically doing cartwheels telling me about it after church, while practicing there memory verses for the work!!! Whoa! My girls excited about homework! I love it! That has seriously never happened before. They love meeting new people, so really always thought they'd be happy if we just went to a new church every week!!!! But they weren't just excited about the new people! They were excited about what they learned there! That thrilled me to pieces, but I'll tell you about it later, because I really need to get to bed!

Christmas Lack Of Sleep And Continuing With Boundary Issues

Hmmm, I wonder if I'm going to suddenly get really consistent about this blogging thing? I doubt it! I wouldn't count on it if I were you! It was nice that it didn't take like 5 hours to read something from each of the blogs I'm following though! You know, since I did this yesterday before I blogged. Well, two nights ago really, even though it was technically morning by the time I posted. That was actually a really good day. I was exhausted by the end of it and couldn't sleep for the wind banging things around, but I had a good day and didn't feel the need for a nap during the day, although, I didn't get out of bed until 11, so I don't know if that really counts. I woke up close to 11 again today. I woke up a few times earlier, but didn't feel like getting up and quickly went back to sleep. So, yes, my sleeping patterns are messed up as usual! What else is new?!

Well, my two oldest still fight like cats and dogs. More like a ferocious(sp?) lion and a rabid wolf, but okay. And I'm not sure which one is which! We had a nice Christmas at home. I didn't burn the turkey and I even made sweet potatoes (from a can), gravy (from packages), Stove Top Stuffing, mashed potatoes (from dehydrated potato flakes in a bag), and green beans, which I almost forgot, also from a can. I think that's all. Oh, yeah, then there was the store bought Pumpkin and Apple Pies. I never even got to touch the Apple Pie, and barely got any Pumpkin Pie. This is the thanks I get for actually doing something in the kitchen besides stick a frozen burrito in the microwave. Josh said, "If you snooze, you lose, literally." He said this because I discovered the empty Apple Pie tin after I had taken a nap on Sunday afternoon, so yes, I was snoozing! But seriously, after being awake all night Friday night worrying about messing up the turkey or any other part of Christmas dinner, and then dragging the kids to the Candlelight service at our church, and then taking care of the stockings and all that night and being so excited to see the kids expressions I couldn't sleep for the second night in a row! And then them opening their presents Christmas morning, getting ready and going to Sunday service, coming home, playing Angela at air hockey, and kicking her rear, I might add, then getting my rear kicked by my son, so that I could experience some humbling. Then, helping Angela figure out how to set her password for her new voice activated password journal.....I think I deserved a nap!!!!

It was a crazy Christmas! But totally fun, and I'm looking forward to hopefully doing it again next year, unless of course, we can convince my parents to get control of my sister and older brother, not to mention getting all porn completely out of the house, where there will be no way my children would have access to it! It seems like there was another condition I will have, but I can't remember it right now. Oh, yeah, something will have to be done about the cats and dogs, but they already know that, with Chloe's allergies. That, I don't have to argue with anyone about. No one will disagree with that. Bringing up the porn will be very awkward, if the time comes for that. Talk about a pink elephant in the room! It's one of those things we NEVER mention! You don't even hear the word "PlayBoy" said outloud in my parents house or around them, but everyone knows it's there. It's right in the drawers underneath the towel cupboard in the bathroom! Always!! But it's never been mentioned, except by my husband, who was the first person to point out to me that most families don't have PlayBoy magazines in their bathrooms. I had no idea that wasn't normal. How would I know that wasn't normal? I mean, I knew that for a Christian home it's unacceptable, but for a non-Christian home? I just figured everyone had them! And even when he brought it up, it was only to me, in private. Anyway, if my family never gets real about the abuse in our home, then it will never have to be brought up, but I'm hoping and praying that my parents will, first and foremost, come to know Christ, and that then they will put a stop to the abuse and pornography. It has to stop or I can't bring my kids. Of course, the porn will be an issue even when my siblings aren't there, so yeah, it will probably have to be brought up eventually. I fear my children have probably already seen it and who knows how it's effected them. I know how it affected me, but that's a whole 'nother subject for another time.

For The Love Of BROWN! (and other Christmas delights)

Oh, how we love BROWN! Yep! The UPS man showed up at our house today! Poor man! I thought my kids would ATTACK him! They were at the door like vultures! I told them grandma was sending their Christmas presents UPS, so they KNEW what was coming!!! He really just smiled as he came up the steps and said, "Hey! You sound like you're having too much fun around here!" in a mock stern voice! So fun! I bet they love their job this time of year! Everybody's so happy to see them! Of course, I always love BROWN! I just don't always like the mail man. He brings the bills. The UPS man just brings the good stuff!!!!!

So. Our Christmas tree now looks like a Christmas tree ought to look, with lots of packages underneath the tree, because Josh also bought all the kids their main gifts yesterday, so we wrapped them before our argument and put them under the tree. They are going to LOVE their gifts. Angela isn't getting the one thing she really wanted, but I think she'll like what she's getting. I asked Josh to take back the earrings he bought Angela, cause I know she won't wear them and I know of something that's on sale that she'll really LOVE that I want to get for a stocking stuffer. He's left most of the stocking stuffer shopping to me. So, that's not done. I also have to buy stuff for Christmas dinner. I think I'm going to do an afternoon dinner on Christmas Eve, so I can just play with the kids and their new toys and things on Christmas Day. I've decided everything but the turkey is going to be from a box or a can. We'll have to build up through the years with the cooking part. I've never even done a turkey, so I think even the gravy will come from a can this year. Or a jar. I'm hoping they have some in a jar or something, cause I don't really like the package one's. They're too thin. I like thick gravy. We'll see what we can do. Next year, if we still do Christmas at home we'll look at getting what I need to make real gravy from the turkey drippings. I love gravy, so I'm a little unsure about not doing the real thing this year, but I'll see what's available. Of course, only Chloe and I will eat the gravy, and only I will eat the stuffing, which is why I'm not going to bother with real stuffing. Probably not ever, although I learned at Thanksgiving with our friends that I could probably have Isaac Leidenfrost over and he'd help me eat the leftovers! :) That boy likes his stuffing!!!

Oh, yes, and the reason why I'm thinking we'll have dinner so early is because I'm pretty sure our church does a Christmas Eve service and we'll probably go to that. I certainly would want to if they're having one. I'm pretty sure they do one every year. We just haven't ever gone, cause we're never here on Christmas Eve.

My Public Apology To CR Moscow And the Hope Center

Since I've sort of slandered a couple of ministries in my small town on here, publicly, I now need to make a public apology to those ministries on here as well. Those ministries, more specifically being, CR Moscow, and the Hope Center and the ministry it has to the community, particularly Resource Ministries. There was a lot of misunderstanding on my part, of what there purpose really is, that I should have investigated myself, before talking about it on here. Resource Ministries only helps those who are able to work and want to work, not those just looking for a handout or permanently on disability. Those people will be sent elsewhere for help. There are government programs for them. It's not that they want them to be left out in the cold, they just have to choose with their limited resources the particular people they are going to serve. They are human and can't help everyone. No one ministry or person can do that. That is why we have a world-wide body of believers. That is also why there are food banks, food stamps, unemployment, and disability,as well as many other government sponsored programs for those who need it.

Also, Celebrate Recovery is an awesome program for addicts and as they say, people looking for "freedom for life's hurts, habits, and hang-ups." And really, who does that not include? I can't think of a single person I know who couldn't use a little of that!!! I'm pretty sure it's the human condition!!! Everyone has them, if they're alive, breathing, and living on planet Earth!!!! While, I have not personally found anyone there that I connect with well on a personal level, that's not to say that you won't find exactly what you need there. I still very much appreciate them for what they do provide for me. A safe place to hang out and be myself and share my struggles, knowing it will never leave the room unless I, myself, take it outside the room, which, as you know, I often do, but that's my business, not anyone else's, and as far as I can tell, no one's ever shared anything outside the group without my permission. I may not have found all the support I need there. God has provided that in other ways, and in some very unusual ways, through social media, I have met some people who have helped me. Quite unusual but it works for now. With my limited resources in this small town, I have to do what I have to do, but there are wonderful people at Celebrate Recovery, who, even if you don't relate well with them, like I haven't, they will love you, and who knows? You might find someone you do connect with. We all have different personalities, and different things that work for us, so don't be afraid to try it and give them a chance. I still may yet find someone I connect with, personally, there. You never know!!! Have a beautiful, God-filled day!!!!

The Teacher In Me Is About To Burst!

Ya'll! I have had the neatest week in so many ways! I wish I could tell you all about it, but there's just no way!!! I went to church last Sunday for the first time in a long time! Pastor Kim preached an amazing sermon! I still think he should stick to teaching and leave the counseling to others, but don't think the situation is entirely his fault. I do not like the way this counseling group teaches them to counsel people!!! Also, while he was preaching I had some really amazing thoughts based on the passages he read that had very little to absolutely nothing to do with what he was actually preaching on!!! Weird how that happens! I swear I could have taught two whole other lessons on what popped into my head. It resonated so much with me that I jotted down some notes for a possible future blog post on it! I'd do it now, but ya'll it's after 11 at night! It happened again while I was reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore. In a passage she was teaching from something else entirely different, but related very much to my particular bondage, just sort of popped out at me. It wasn't something she had emphasized in her writing, but it hit me and it has been brewing in my brain most of the afternoon! It so relates to my situation and that is one I will definitely be blogging about! Just to give you a head's up, it came from the passage where Peter walks on the water. I know! A passage most of us have read like a zillion times and I'd never thought about it like this before!!!! I love how God does that with His Word! LIVING Word, no doubt!!!! Love it! Anyway, I just thought I'd say hey, before I check out for the night. Let ya'll know I'm still here!

Internet Troubles And Me "Working"

Warning: This post may or may not discuss female hormones and the physical manifestations (periods) that are produced by said hormones. So, guys, and gals who are uncomfortable with this particular subject for whatever reason, may want to refrain from reading this post. Consider yourself warned.





Well, we seem to have survived the 3 days that we had no internet at all. Yes, since I posted last we have pretty much not had internet at all. It went out Sunday morning again, and I did not catch it on again until this morning, when, of course, we had scheduled for a tech guy from Time-Warner to come out and look at it, and, hopefully, fix it for us. I was afraid this might result in him not understanding what the problem was, but it was clear that our signal, which should have been full-strength, is very weak. He looked to see why, and figured out that the lines that are underground are pretty much done for. So, it's going to take some doing to fix it. He did remove a spacer, I think it said it was, that didn't need to be there, giving us a stronger signal for now. It's still not as strong as it should be, so they will be looking at getting a work order to come out and dig and replace that underground line. He said to call if it continues cutting out on us, cause they could put in a temporary above ground line if necessary. They like to avoid doing that, however, since it does produce a problem for things like lawn mowing and sometimes people trip over them and things like that, so hopefully, it will work okay until they can fix it more permanently.

Anyway, I will be going to Women Of Faith Over The Top, this weekend in Spokane, Washington. I'm pretty excited about it. Some really wonderful people that I know from my church are going with us. We will meet to carpool at 7 am in the Rosauer's parking lot. I haven't gotten a ride yet, so hopefully, at that point they will throw me in with somebody. I'm sure they won't leave me to fend for myself! I also do not know who I'm staying with or anything as far as hotel accomodations. I will find that out as well. I also don't know which hotel, of the two hotels, they made reservations at, that I will be staying in. I do not have to pay for my ticket or hotel. I was asked to do 4 hours of work at the Hope Center, which I know I blogged about in the past, to "pay" for my trip to Spokane. I know it's still a steal since I know I would not get paid what the ticket and accomodations cost for the work that I did, so I'm so grateful.

I'm actually really grateful for the work that I was able to do at the Hope Center as well, though. For one thing it distracted me from what I couldn't do on here this week. It also showed me that there are things I am capable of doing. I'm not totally helpless, and that people will appreciate the work I do and not consider me too slow, or just in the way, like I was always treated growing up. I fear making even the smallest of mistakes as a result of the often violent ways that my family responded when I would even make a simple mistake. I experienced the same at the one job I had in college that wasn't working for my parents. I don't like working around people for this reason. I have found myself being uncomfortable at times when I thought I didn't really like the way I was having to do something, but not seeing a better option at the time. I was worried that the workers there would have a problem with the way I organized things on the shelves or whatever. I'm sure they'll never complain, cause I'm sort of volunteer labor. Well, this time I was part of the Goods for Services program they have. Yes, they allowed women who couldn't afford to go, but wanted to go to Women Of Faith, to work 4 hours at the Hope Center as part of that program. It's one of the many ways the Hope Center serves our community. It's also a thrift store. It's really, truly, a wonderful place. I've bought many things there for my family. In fact, there are probably just as many things from there in my house as there are from Wal-Mart or any place like that at this point. Love that place, and love that my money goes to help others in need when I shop there! Sometimes, obviously, that person in need is me, although, I wouldn't really consider a desire to go to Women Of Faith a need really, but I was happy when they offered me this opportunity. It also ensured that I wouldn't feel quite so guilty about letting them pay my way while I save up for the SSMT celebration in January. I really don't have the money anyway, even if I wasn't going for that. This would be why I still have not made hotel reservations or bought plane tickets yet! But it will happen! We're doing our best to make sure it does! Well, my best I suppose might be getting a job, although, I'm not quite emotionally ready for that, yet. Like I said, the few hours I put in this week at the Hope Center produced some anxiety, even when I was working with people I know love me, and not for very long periods of time. These people are my friends, and are happy to have any help. I may continue helping there on a volunteer basis next week. I still have not had time to look for counseling. Now, since getting ready for Women of Faith, became a priority, I'll have to do that next week. It just keeps getting pushed back, but that's okay. It will be fine.

Now, my only concern with Women of Faith, and why I hadn't made that a priority to save up for or anything before, is because I went once before. It wasn't a positive experience :( I went with some people I didn't really know and I don't sleep well, so first off, I had one lady get mad at me for being up and down all night on Friday night (it is a Friday-Saturday event). She was really annoyed and talked to me very rudely. Actually, she didn't even talk directly to me. She just made rude, sarcastic remarks very loudly when I was nearby. Also, unlike the Living Proof Live conferences I enjoy so much, there are several speakers and musicians and they all have very different styles. Some are funny, some are more serious, so you find yourself laughing one minute and crying the next. I'm already quite emotional, so that was very hard for me to deal with. Of course, that was early in my recovery, when I was still pretty uncomfortable with feeling anything at all!! I think I had emotion overload, because I crashed and I crashed hard, upon returning home. I decided to risk it this time, because this opportunity was offered directly to me on facebook. I was thrilled that someone would care enough to single me out as someone who could benefit from this offer! So, how could I turn it down?! I didn't....obviously. But, given the emotional issues, you can imagine how thrilled I was when I started my period this afternoon. (Now, I'M about to get sarcastic!) Gee, thanks God. Let's add some hormones to this mix and see if we can get some drama out of her!!! How do ya like that!?! Man, oh, man. Oh, well. I'm sure it will be fine. At least this time I'm aware of how emotional it will be and how long! It's all day Friday and all day Saturday, so a lot longer than LPL! So, I'm sure we will manage and be prayed up. I hope many of you will pray for me as well. I have many other things to tell you, but alas, it will have to wait!

Discouraging People

Apparently, I've changed this summer. You wouldn't know it from the reactions from my church, but maybe I have. I don't know. I don't really feel much different, which sucks, cause I've always felt like crap :( I'd really like that not to be the case anymore. I do trust and believe God on a whole new level than ever before. I have seen Him faithfully minister to me this summer, which only encourages me to keep going and keep seeking Him and keep looking for opportunities to serve Him, even in small ways, and to keep looking for the help that I need in healing from my past abuse. I know He will be faithful, in His time. I may not understand why He does things the way He does, but I can trust that He is on my side.

It was hard before, to even want to keep going, cause everyone around me was questioning whether or not I was truly repentant, and whether or not I was hearing God at all. From their reactions it felt like I'd never changed. Not ever, in my entire Christian walk, which, while they may have thought it motivating, after dedicating and rededicating myself to Christ for 16 years, it was actually rather discouraging. Why bother? If my life is no different than before, if I'm no different than before, what good is my seeking Him doing? It's not helping me, and it's most certainly not helping anyone else come to know Him! Don't try to motivate someone by discouraging them. Don't be skeptical of what they say God is doing or telling them. It's not helpful. Unless, you can absolutely see that what they are saying is unbiblical, don't do that! It's not motivating! It's discouraging! I am going to avoid skeptical people for a very long time, cause I REALLY don't need that! That's exactly the kind of "motivation" that my abusive mother used on me, calling me stupid when I'd mess up, or lazy, thinking that it would make me want to prove her wrong. Most people don't operate like that, and it's very hurtful. Especially to a young child. I would like to spend time around people who really do have true faith in God. And not only faith in what He can do in church leaders lives, but everyday, ordinary people, or even damaged people like myself!

End Of Summer Activities

Wow! What a wild and crazy, and FUN week it has been! Yesterday, we only did some grocery shopping and went to Jeni's for prayer meeting. Or at least Angela and I went shopping. Jeremiah and Chloe weren't interested. Then, later Chloe and I went to Jeni's for prayer meeting. Angela was with a friend she hadn't seen all summer, and Jeremiah wanted to stay at home. I forgot to go pick up their lenses at the eye doctor's yesterday, so we're going to have to do that today, then they get to go back to Camp Grizzly with their dad, for the last camp, a Cub Scout weekend camp. I may head out there for part of that myself. If I get done with my devotional book. I"m almost done, so I think that will work out just fine! I probably will miss the first official night (Friday), but will head out Saturday and be there for the weekend! Should be fun, and maybe I'll actually get in the water, since it has been rather warm here in Idaho. It finally started to be summer, not that there are no more Boy Scout camps! Boo!!!! Next, we'll shift our focus to getting ready for school to start, and with one getting ready for junior high. I'm so nervous for him, but I'm sure he'll do fine. I'm thankful for a great youth group at our church. I'm hoping that will help him adjust, having other Christian teens going through similar struggles. Hopefully, they're open about sharing that stuff, so they can support each other. See you all soon!

My "Shack" Has Been Invaded

I would say that it's been invaded by aliens, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate. It's been invaded by the short, goofy people that I gave birth, too, which really, aliens....short, goofy people I gave birth, too....kind of the same thing really:) And, of course, my husband...the love of my life! Well, really, JESUS is the absolute, complete and total love of my life, but Josh is pretty amazing. He came home a very different man than the one that I left at Camp Grizzly...or maybe he's not and I'm just a different woman than the one that left him. I sure hope so! Or best case scenario: it could be both. He may have grown out there with the kids, while I grew here by myself. I sure hope I grew in this last month. It was a total waste if I didn't! I don't think it was wasted though! Have I ever learned something about the INTENSITY of spiritual warfare when you are seriously being attacked by the Enemy over strongholds you've had for years!!!! I let Satan keep a stronghold in my life that I had before I came to know Christ, for all of these years, and I didn't really even fully realize it, or how much he wanted to hurt me with it, until this last week! I really didn't think I'd make it....and without the friends that God has provided in the Body of Christ, I'm positive I wouldn't have, because I would not have recognized it as a battle with the Enemy. It's hard to hang on when the shouting of the Enemy is so loud, you can't discern the Voice of God, for the life of you, without someone urging you back to the truth that you know we have in Him! I'm learning to cry out to JESUS on a whole new level than I ever knew before. I'm a little concerned with my kids here now, that I won't be able to cry like I need to over the pain and fears from my childhood. I am praying that when it is appropriate that God will help me to grieve in the way I need to. I know that He will use this in my kids lives, also, because He's just that Good :) Oh, man, is He ever, and my husband and I are enjoying sweet fellowship with each other, in the way that He designed that to happen. I know we will continue to have our struggles and our hardships, but I am choosing the Rock, for the rest of my life! From now on, when the winds blow and the earth quakes, I will remain steadfast and true to my God! Now, is that easier said than done? OH, Yeah! And, I'm sure, I will stumble from time to time, but I will get back up and keep going, keep fighting.

As far as the counseling situation goes, I have a few options, and I will be praying and seeking to see what the Lord would provide for me in that area. I've been receiving advice from some godly friends and mentors and considering my options and we will talk about that later. But for now, "rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!" Not going to look up that scripture reference right now, but trust me, it's in there :)

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 19

Well, it's not quite as late as when I got on here last night. I was feeling some pain that I didn't understand today. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, and then I remembered praying that I would be more sensitive to others needs. I've prayed this several times in my life, but I'm wondering if maybe the healing I've been doing has allowed me to do that. If my heart is just sensitive enough to feel others pain. You see, a friend of mine...well, we're not real close, but I consider her a friend, lost a close family member, in a tragic accident yesterday. I know she is really hurting right now, and I wonder if I was feeling a little bit of that. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I've lost friends and family members, but never someone young that I was very close to. I don't have a really close family, so I can't say if I lost one of them that I'd be in as deep of pain as she is right now. But I can imagine how I might feel, and yet at the same time, I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, I was close to Dave, but he wasn't as young as this person, and he'd been sick for a long time, so it wasn't a total shock, like this is. I do hope that it is me sympathizing with her, because otherwise I have no idea where this pain was coming from. I hadn't been thinking about past abuse or anything like that.

I did have to apologize to God for spending most of my day playing around on facebook and twitter instead of spending time with Him. I didn't get into the word until after dinner!!!! That is very unlike me! That did make a difference and I definitely feel bad, but I confessed my sin and I fully believe that He has forgiven me, and I asked Him to help me do better tomorrow! I have complete confidence that I have regained my focus and tomorrow will be all about Him again! So, tomorrow's a new day!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 17

It's been a challenging day, with a lot of tears, but I'm learning that tears are okay. That it's okay to grieve. That it's even healthy. The reason that it hurts so much to lose people, shows that we let ourselves be vulnerable. That the relationship mattered. If it didn't hurt, then the relationship meant nothing and that's not good. I risked loving, and that's why the loss hurts so deeply. And God heals, and He is enough. I don't have to have that other person in my life to be able to continue living for God. God is my everything and He will bring the people into my life that I need to keep me balanced. I know that He has a plan for my life, and I'm glad I've had people in my life, like Dave, who have been Jesus to me. Have been that Christ-like influence and have shown me who Jesus is, little by little. I'm still learning and growing and always will be.

We are called to be in relationship with people, as well as God, and sometimes that hard to balance, and figure out where the boundaries are. We need each other, and at the same time, we can't rely on each other. We have to rely completely on God. That can be confusing sometimes. Be honest. Do you ever get confused about whether or not someone has become an idol in your life? I do. Sometimes I wonder if Beth Moore is an idol in my life, and maybe at times she has been. I have to constantly keep myself in check, and back off if I feel I'm getting to involved with someone else other than God. There have been times that my husband has been my idol. Oh, boy! That can get ugly! I've realized it when I've been mad, and asked myself why I was mad, and ultimately, it was because he didn't fix me. He didn't make me feel all happy again. He didn't cure my depression! He can't do that! He's a man! He's a really wonderful man, that loves me.....but he's just a man! He's weak (yes, I just said that my husband is weak, because compared to God, he is!) and he doesn't know everything. Only God can be my everything! My husband can't, my pastor can't, my counselor can't, my very best friend's can't, my favorite teacher, Beth Moore, can't. Only God! And yet, we need those other people? Does that ever confuse anybody else, or is it just me? I need bible teachers. I need my counselor. I need my friends. I need my husband, and I need my pastors. That is really hard to balance and make sure that it is truly God that is my all in all, and not those other people.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 8

My heart is pretty raw this morning. I've been afraid of other's misunderstanding of me. People who will not understand why I have to be alone right now. Why I can only trust my heart to Jesus, alone, right now. I can trust a little bit of it to you, because you are not so close to me that you can hurt me. I can turn this computer off and what you think no longer matters, cause most of you I don't have to live with. I don't have to go to church with you. I don't have to see you at the grocery store. And really, you're very unlikely to talk to me about something you read on my blog, even if you are a part of my "normal" life. And really, most of the time, it isn't that I don't trust people to know my story. It's that I don't trust them to react in a compassionate way at the moment they hear it. I'm afraid of your flesh and blood in my presence, and what you would do if I said something you'd never heard. What would you do or say, if I started sobbing right in front of you, like I often do in prayer and behind this computer screen and during my devotional time? Will you think I'm ridiculous and I need to just buck up and get over it? Cause, I've been told that by well-meaning Christians. They don't get it. I'm afraid of being misunderstood and getting the wrong counsel, that will only further hurt me, which is what I've experienced from many.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 3 (this could end up with dozens of parts)

I just realized that in all my rambling about my "Shack" that I never really explained to you, why, even when isolating is a personal issue of mine, I've decided isolation is exactly what I need for now! So, I will do that now. (Again, my posts are all usually first drafts. I just type and publish. No editting. So don't take everything too seriously. It may just have come out wrong. Ask me in a comment if you're not sure of something. I'll answer in my next post.)

Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!

Me, Speechless (Don't Faint)

Another picture of Angela singing. I don't have a whole lot to say. I'm really hungry, so I'm going to go eat!

Talented Kids

For some reason when I first put this on my computer wouldn't let me type! That was so weird! I also couldn't comment on anybody else's blogs or find another website. Anything that involved typing I couldn't do. I had to reboot the system to be able to type.

Anyway, this is Angela singing at our church's talent show. I didn't get a picture of Jeremiah cause I was too busy watching him. He didn't tell me what he was doing beforehand. He wanted it to be a surprise, so I was watching intently and forgot to take a picture. He played his recorder with his legs crossed and walking on his knees! Goofy kid! He couldn't just do a real talent. He had to be silly!
This is a picture he took of his baseball uniform for his facebook page!

Girls And Their Love

She's so fun! I love her so much! You know, in her young life she's already led two young girls to the Lord! One of those being her sister, who's getting baptized this Sunday at Bridge Bible Fellowship in Moscow, Idaho! We're so excited! No, Chloe did not pray with me! She asked her sister! Those two are so close, it's amazing! Me and my sister HATED each other! I mean, knock out drag out, fighting! All of my brothers and sisters and I could not stand each other! So, it's very different for me having two girls who love each other so much! They share a room. They have bunk beds and often at night when they're supposed to be sleeping, I can hear them whispering to each other and giggling, and I know I should probably get on them for not sleeping, and I do, sometimes, but sometimes I don't. I just smile to myself and walk right on by! I love that they have so much fun together! Of course, they do fight, as well, sometimes. Don't start thinking they're perfect. They're not. But, sometimes, I even go in there after they've gone to sleep and find them on the same bunk with their arms around each other, sound asleep. It just makes me want to cry tears of joy, they love each other so much! They're laughing and probably screaming at the same time, but they're not mad or upset, I promise!

Okay, now you know you're going to get a lecture, right? I've told you before, I'd just stick with my personal writing and journaling and not even bother with a blog if I didn't want to hear from you, so talk to me! And if you read my blog, but are not a public follower of my blog, please consider doing that. I love to know who's reading these posts and even tell me a little bit about you. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I don't get out of this little town much, so I like the reminder that there are other people and other places out there. I really can't wait to move to a more diverse place, so I can get to know some new people and more of them! I'm way too much of an extrovert for this area to be able to handle me! :)