Who Says There Are Only Drama Queens?

Negative drama came into my life today, but not because of a female. Well, he would say it was because of a female, but he was the one who decided to shift gears based on that female's emotions. A certain nameless female was asked what was wrong, as she was obviously sad, by the nameless male figure and so she told him what was wrong. Nameless male then said, "Fine, you don't have to go." He then told me that she didn't want to go to Camp Grizzly and he just left. Apparently, nameless female did not even know they were leaving. No one told her. So, she then became even more upset. This certain, nameless male does this very same thing to me all the time! He asks how you're feeling and then when you tell him, he changes plans without even asking you if that's what you wanted, and does it in a very dramatic and matter of fact way, that you don't even get the chance to discuss. It's a little like I imagine it would be to live with an alcoholic, where your entire world is controlled by the drama of the moment. He seems to be offended often by the fact that I don't share my emotions with him, but this would be why. He gets all offended, takes it too personal, and decides to change his plans whether you like it or not, based on your feelings. I don't like it, and I tend to often end up feeling guilty for the changed plans, even though I didn't ask for them. He reacted! Seriously, there are a lot of things that I get emotional about! It doesn't mean I want to change our plans. I have no doubt, regardless of where we move to when Josh gets promoted, there will be some sadness involved. Of course, there will be. Our kids have lived here their whole lives. They've developped some close friendships. With all of their faults we love our church and we'll miss them. We've each invested time and attention to people in our lives that we will miss. That doesn't mean we're not excited about a new adventure, or that we would rather stay here than go where God is calling us to next. It just means that change can be painful. Moving on to the next thing means letting go of some other things, and that's never easy. It would be nice to have a safe environment to express those feelings without anyone suddenly, then, changing all the plans and throwing you into a whirlwind where you're not even sure what's up or down! Thcat's even worse! Dealing with your feelings that come about when change is about to happen is hard enough, without someone going all drama king on you! You're just trying to deal with your emotions about the current situation and then, WHOA, WHAT? What is this? Now you're going to mess with things and totally change them into something we weren't even beginning to prepare for?! And just when we were starting to deal with our feelings about the original plans. Change is inevitable. Even us emotional females know that. We just deal with it on a much more emotional level than men do, usually, but we deal with it. When someone decides to throw a wrench in the plans, while we're dealing with it, then we feel completely out of control and we can't deal with, because we don't even know what's going on! Anyone else have someone like this in their world?

End Of Summer Activities

Wow! What a wild and crazy, and FUN week it has been! Yesterday, we only did some grocery shopping and went to Jeni's for prayer meeting. Or at least Angela and I went shopping. Jeremiah and Chloe weren't interested. Then, later Chloe and I went to Jeni's for prayer meeting. Angela was with a friend she hadn't seen all summer, and Jeremiah wanted to stay at home. I forgot to go pick up their lenses at the eye doctor's yesterday, so we're going to have to do that today, then they get to go back to Camp Grizzly with their dad, for the last camp, a Cub Scout weekend camp. I may head out there for part of that myself. If I get done with my devotional book. I"m almost done, so I think that will work out just fine! I probably will miss the first official night (Friday), but will head out Saturday and be there for the weekend! Should be fun, and maybe I'll actually get in the water, since it has been rather warm here in Idaho. It finally started to be summer, not that there are no more Boy Scout camps! Boo!!!! Next, we'll shift our focus to getting ready for school to start, and with one getting ready for junior high. I'm so nervous for him, but I'm sure he'll do fine. I'm thankful for a great youth group at our church. I'm hoping that will help him adjust, having other Christian teens going through similar struggles. Hopefully, they're open about sharing that stuff, so they can support each other. See you all soon!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 3 (this could end up with dozens of parts)

I just realized that in all my rambling about my "Shack" that I never really explained to you, why, even when isolating is a personal issue of mine, I've decided isolation is exactly what I need for now! So, I will do that now. (Again, my posts are all usually first drafts. I just type and publish. No editting. So don't take everything too seriously. It may just have come out wrong. Ask me in a comment if you're not sure of something. I'll answer in my next post.)

Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!

Chloe At The Park, Me On The Computer, Jeremiah's Crazy!!!

This is Chloe at the park in Potlatch, Idaho. Isn't she beautiful?! I have no idea what this is she's standing in front of? If someone who's maybe spent some more time at the park in Potlatch could tell me what this is, I'd love to know!?

Okay, it's official! My son's a freak!

Umm, there must be a cute girl nearby??!!!
This is me sitting at my our family computer at home, looking like my usual dorky self!

It's kind of late at Camp Grizzly, my toe hurts, and it's been a long day, so I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow. Good night!

Angela's Crazy Pictures And We're At Camp Grizzly, But Not Healthy:(

This is Angela experimenting with taking pictures of herself. What a funny kid! She wants her dad to start a photography Venturing Scout post, so there will be one for her to join when she gets old enough to join Venturing. It's a scouting program for boys and girls through the BSA. They always have a special emphasis. There is a cycling crew as of right now. He's working on a shooting sports crew. I'm sure that will be very popular in this area!

Anyway, as most of you know, we are at Camp Grizzly currently. Me and Chloe have been here for a week tomorrow night. Angela came up early with her dad. A couple of days before us. Jeremiah's team got third in their baseball tournament. They did play on Saturday morning, but they lost to Genesee, so they didn't make the final game. That was between Genesee and the Potlatch Loggers. I have no idea who won. I didn't stay long enough. I hope it was Genesee! The Potlatch dynasty needs to be taken down!!!! I will have some pictures from Camp Grizzly the next time I download more pictures! Right now people are helping in the Trading Post right next to me. I think they just got most of the candy and other snacks, so the whole staff is all excited even though they don't get to eat any of this candy unless they pay for it! We just got through eating all of the outdated candy that they took out of there, which is probably why I gained back all but 4 pounds I had lost! That and the fact that I can't walk like I had hoped to, cause I got an ingrown toenail that has become very badly infected. I had to go to QuickCare yesterday in Moscow, so now I'm on antibiotics. I actually waited a whole 'nother day past when the medic here told me I needed to see a doctor! I'm stubborn like that! Especially since I have no insurance and I know I have to pick up Jeremiah when he returns from Camp Easton and I have to take the kids next week to get their new lenses put in their glasses, since those are in. I was waiting until Jeremiah came back to do that, so I could do all three at once. Plus I had a list of things to get when I returned. Some I forgot, others we ran out of, like cold medicine, since I have three coughing children. Now much of the staff has sore throats! Of all the things I would like to share with the staff....that was not one of them!!! Oh, well, the joy of living with lots of other people in a sort of community. Everyone who's ever worked here calls it the "Grizzly family" because you do sort of become a family and all you have to do is work here one year and you never get out of the Grizzly family. It's permanent just like a blood family. You come back and they all embrace you! It's like the family of God, but not quite! It is good, though...most of the time!! Just like with a real family. Anyway, Josh took me in, because he had to discuss with them the fact that I needed taking care of right now, but we can't pay right now. They weren't real nice about that, but we got it taken care of, and we got my antibiotics and made an appointment for July 5 in Troy with my regular doctor to get the ingrown toenail removed. First we have to get rid of the infection for them to be able to do that! I don't think it's really hit the girls that my time in the water has been put off much longer now. The camp medic told me to stay out of the water. No swimming, but now that it's official that it's infected, I can't swim until at least the infection's gone. I don't know how long I have to keep it dry and clean after she cuts it out. Anyway, my girls are getting better, even though Angela's coughing half to death next to me. Or she was. Now, she's in the Trading Post. I did tell you that my posts would be very rough during Camp Grizzly, right?! Talk later. It's almost time for lunch!

Just Thought I'd Check In

I seem to be doing this middle of the night posting thing way too much these days. After the kids school play, Jeremiah's sixth grade graduation, and the end of baseball season...oh, yeah, and shopping for summer supplies that need replacing and moving out to Camp Grizzly again (Phew!!) maybe life will slow down again for a while!

Last Of The Pics

Me getting my nagging pins for Jeremiah making his Second Class rank! I hope I don't have to explain why I call them nagging pins! I'm sure most mom's totally get it!

Chloe after swimming at Camp Grizzly!

A silhouette of Angela after swimming at Camp Grizzly!

Another pic of Angela after swimming. These are the last of the pics I have on the computer currently! Who knows how long it will take for my newer pictures to make there way from my camera to the computer. As simple as it is, my husband only spends his time at home playing video games, watching movies, and yelling at kids.

More Pics From Camp Grizzly

Charming Angela after a swim at Camp Grizzly!

Probably relaxing in the staff lounge!

I have no idea what Chloe was doing here! Maybe painting? I don't really remember painting while we were staying there. I know there was some painting that was done in the fall that she helped with.

Josh checking in the Troops!

More of Angela!

Chloe doing her schoolwork in the cabin. Yes, she does schoolwork in the summer! She went to summer school the year before, but with us being at Camp Grizzly it wasn't possible, so I had to be a homeschool mom for the summer with one kid at least. Besides she loves school! It's necessary to keep her from falling further behind.

Our cabin! Yes, all five of us lived in there for 2 months and survived!

It's very difficult to get him to keep his tongue in his mouth when we take his picture!

This is the view when you walk into the staff area!

Yes! There was work to be done when we arrived at Camp Grizzly!

They really do love each other! They often try to pretend they don't, but nobody's fooled! Except my side of the family. Of course, they really are mean to each other at my parents house, but then they're just following everyone else's lead! Ugh! I'm hoping this last visit for Christmas will be our last visit EVER to see my family!

You've probably seen this picture if you've visited Angela's blog. It's her favorite! She's daddy's little girl for sure! This is in the kitchen at Camp Grizzly, in case you couldn't tell!

Fun At Camp Grizzly!

This is Jeremiah fishing at Camp Grizzly last summer!

This is the picture I've been trying to put on my twitter profile, but it keeps telling me twitter is over capacity! Ugh! That's the lodge at Camp Grizzly behind us and that's my trusty green canteen in front of me! Love that thing! It was perfect for camp and when I got it as a gift at a party I had no idea where I'd be spending my summer!

Again, I have no idea how to turn these one's right side up, but that's my gorgeous Boy Scout husband hard at work at Camp Grizzly!

This is me in front of our little cabin, doing one of my favorite activities! I could cause I didn't have to clean house or make meals or anything! Well, except for make sure my kids got bathed and dressed and all that jazz! But that's easy compared to what I have to do at home!