Business And Addictions

Have y'all noticed that we can now reply directly to each others comments on here like they do over at WordPress! Such a cool feature! So much easier to find comments someone made to your comment this way, not that it's hard on my blog, but blogger friend's I have who get a lot of comments, it will be soooo much better now! I love it! And I love seeing my replies directly under your comments!!!! That is the one feature that had almost made me want to switch to WordPress, but I don't really know how to do that without losing the things I've written here. I don't want to have to start all over with a totally new URL that I have to send y'all over to and have to bounce back and forth between here and there for a while until my posts over here are irrelevant to my life, which I doubt will ever totally happen if you know what I mean, but you also know what I mean about it not being important enough to look and see if something was said that I need to respond to. There's a certain amount of time I'd need to keep tabs on these posts. I'm also having an issue that the email address this is attached to won't exist in just 8 more days, which I also will not have internet at that point, so you won't hear from me after the ninth until we get hooked back up in Spokane, most likely with Comcast, so my roadrunner account will no longer be. I love gmail and opened up a new gmail account for all of my personal mail (I already had one for business purposes and facebook and twitter and all that that I don't want cluttering my personal email account :)) but since I actually liked it better than my roadrunner webmail I decided to go ahead and go with that. Plus, I can use it wherever I'm at. I won't have to worry about my email being connected directly to my internet provider so I have to change it every time I move or change providers! That's just a pain! I wasn't worried about it here, cause I knew we'd be here awhile and never would leave Time Warner, since they are the only cable provider and cable is by far the best high-speed internet money can buy in my opinion (which is why we'll be with Comcast up there.) We're not on the fastest cable internet, but it's still pretty good. We'd have to pay more for the faster one, which would be worth it, but won't work in our budget. We still stick with cable though, even though it costs a tad more, because we're just that addicted to the internet. Anyway, the problem I found is that you can't attach another google acount to your blog! I really don't want to open up a hotmail account or something just to have a valid email attached to this account, but I may have to. Ugh! Just what I needed, 3 email accounts!

And, of course, the addiction issue brings up it's own problems! I'm going to be like "detoxing" for that few days or maybe even up to a week (Dear God, please no!) I hope Josh is addicted enough to not let that happen, but then he has his iPhone, so he's all wired everywhere he goes anyway! Grrrrrrrr! Yes, I was in withdrawals two summers ago for about 2 weeks at Camp Grizzly, the land that technology forgot! My cell phone didn't work there, no wifi, nothing!!! It was torture! It was totally inhumane!!! My husband fixed it last year and brought our router! Praise God! We've been saved!!! I still haven't decided whether or not I'm going to Camp Grizzly again this year or staying home like I ended up doing last year. I wasn't going to go, but us moving to Spokane changes things a little, and with everything that's happened I'm not sure I should be so far from a recovery group or counseling or whatever I end up doing up there. I've waited so long for something like this to happen so I could actually build a support network, like an actually effective one with people who are available to me for real and understand me! It will be hard to start getting that established and then leave for two months! I just don't know about that. Maybe we'll just see what happens when I get there. We'll have to play it by ear and see where I'm at with that by the time we have to leave for Camp Grizzly about mid-June. Maybe I'll go for awhile and come back sometimes for a week or 2 at a time, or I'll stay and go to Camp Grizzly for a week or two at a time? The nice thing is is that even with me not having wheels that is possible, because someone (usually the business manager) at Camp Grizzly has to drive to Spokane about once a week to turn in some stuff to the main council office so I can catch a ride with whoever is coming that way one way or the other if I make those arrangements ahead of time, so something will work out to where I can spend a little time at our beloved Camp Grizzly at least during the summer! Yay! I was hating the idea that without wheels my choices were the whole summer at Camp Grizzly, or no Camp Grizzly! Normally, I'm an all or nothing girl, except when I like both options :) That's a really bad quality to have by the way, the all or nothing thing. Gets me in trouble a lot! Can't have a spotless house, so why bother cleaning! Can't get straight A's so who cares about school! Why just drink one beer when you can have the whole case! See where this is a problem? Don't give me a piece of pie! I want the pie!!!! The whole darn thing! And yes, I eat like this, which explains why I'm only 5'2" tall and 170 POUNDS!!!! Yikes!! Look on a height weight chart. That's not good! And no, I'm not big boned! If anything I have tiny, skinny little bones. You should see my arms! They're tiny!!!

Anyway, back to "detoxing." Whether it be physical or emotional I've had to "detox" from so many things in my life it's not even funny!!! As my friend Christie would say anything I try it's been "ismed." Alcoholism, chocoholism, you get the idea! I'm an addict to the core of my being! I'm obsessive to the max! Ask Josh, me "detoxing" is a pain! The one he probably remembers more than any other is the one thing I actually stuck with long enough to become physically addicted. I really never drank consistently enough to have to physically detox from alcohol. Well, okay, I always got a little bit of a headache after a few days, but that's about it. Not even a super bad headache. Nothing a little ibuprofen couldn't handle and me be completely function. And you're not allowed to laugh when I tell you what it was :) Okay, you can if you want but you can't make fun of me, that's the rule! It was Pepsi! Yes, I tried to slowly drop one 12 oz of Pepsi a day, and finally got down to one a day, which I kept trying to drop, but I'd get this horrible headache that would make me nauseous and EXTREMELY CRABBY!!! Somebody suggested I drink half a Pepsi and dump the rest! What?! Are you stinkin' kidding!!!!!! No way! That's precious fluid! I just couldn't do it!!! So, I finally decided I just had to drop that last soda cold turkey and deal with it! I literally laid in bed moaning and clutching my stomach for 3 days like a heroin addict!!!! I'm not kidding!!!! It was ridiculous! At one point Josh said screw it, I'm going to get you a soda! I practically attacked him! I don't know where I got the strength! I cried desperately, "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME! We'll just end up back here doing THIS all over again! I'm not doing this AGAIN! I HAVE TO DO THIS!" So, he didn't, but he and the kids went to his mom's house cause no one could stand me for another second! So, yes, I ended up doing that all by myself! I have no doubt now that if I had to and really wanted to do that for alcohol I could. So far I've never had to, like I said. I drank in such short binges that while I'm psychologically addicted I never got super addicted like that physically. Not to alcohol. It's still weird to me that I did that with Pepsi of all things when I didn't do that with alcohol or marijuana or cigarettes!!! Totally nuts! I'm pretty sure I'd do that without internet! Haha!!! Let's not find out, okay? Deal? Thank you. This is one of those addictions I have no intention of recovering from. That, studying God's Word (ummmmm, no stinkin' way!), coffee, and.....I'm not sure what else. I'll have to get back to you on that. :) I'm sure I have zillions I'm unaware of! After all, I'm just an addictive personality!! The funny thing about the Pepsi thing is years earlier Josh had joked that I would be the founder of Pepsiholics Anonymous one day. Hmmmm, maybe I should start this in Spokane :)

So, I will be emotionally a wreck while madly cleaning, packing all the last minute things and all those last 3 days since I won't be able to contact any of you! I threw out all my phone numbers without realizing it! Yikes! Moving mishaps, I guess. These things happen. Also, an emotional wreck while trying to move IN! Yikes! This is going to be scary!!!! Picture me with a look of terror right now. Yes, that's right. Just like that :) So how are all of you?

The Pain Is Too Much

Well, it's been quite a week. Yes, I've allowed Angela to live. I'm sure you're all happy to know that. And I'm pretty sure you all knew that I would. Still frustrated, still fighting with her often, still trying to convince her that, yes, sometimes life is hard, but you got to do what you got to do, and if it requires you to work a little harder than you were hoping to have to.....ummm,sorry, we've all been there. You're just going to have to work that much harder. What really sucked is, this week is Missoula Children's Theatre, and yes, we did decide that she has been working very hard to try to get her grades up, and yes, she could do MCT. For crying out loud it only comes once a year! It was going to break my heart to have to tell her no and I'm not sure I could've done. So, obviously, that's not the part that sucks. When she came home yesterday evening I expected her to be in a rush to get fed to get back to rehearsals. She wasn't in a hurry at all. In fact, she'd already been to Wendy's with our friend, Holly, and her daughter (Angela's friend) Maggie, who she did the tryouts with and carpooled with last year as well. Turns out the reason Holly took them to Wendy's is she picked up two heartbroken little girls from tryouts. Neither of them got a part. I guess they had some very young, college age girls running the tryouts. They didn't pick most of the people who were in the play last year, even those, like my daughter, who had leading rolls last year. Being the stubborn, hard-headed child that she is, Angela made it a point to give them a piece of her mind, which as you know, can get pretty ugly. She wasn't happy because she said they laughed at her. I wasn't happy either, and when she told me some of the other very talented kids that didn't get parts (who I've worked with in the past volunteering at the school) who've ALWAYS gotten parts in the past, I was shocked. I told her not to worry to much about it, because obviously this particular group, unlike the group last year, doesn't know talent when they see it! I don't want to hear any talk about how I might be biased, but I'm going to tell you right now, that besides my own daughter, I know a few other very talented little girls who will not be in the MCT production here in Moscow this year. I also know of at least one, who will be, who I would've never picked in a million years...just sayin....and there I might be a bit biased too, because this little girl isn't very nice to my little girl :) Do you ever find that interesting, how you can absolutely despise an 11 year old child, because they don't like your kid? I distinctly remember the first time that I discovered that I have retractable claws and fangs that I have absolutely no control over. They instantly appear the moment I sense that one of my children is being threatened in any way!!! It didn't surprise me that I was very protective of them with adults that I sensed didn't like them, but the first time my five year old boy came from home from kindergarten in tears and I had an almostly overwhelming urge to kill another child with my bare hands (you will be happy that I reminded myself that I can't protect him from prison, so I resisted) I was in total shock! How does this happen?! All I have to say is if you're in my presence and you say anything derogatory about or towards one of my children, I am not responsible for what might happen to you! I have no control. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Now, onto another topic. Alcoholism! It continues to prove itself to me that I'm not cured and probably never will be. I still want to run for that bottle anytime I'm upset, stressed, angry, whatever. I've had a lot of stuff stirred up in me through reading Beth Moore's sister, Gay's, story on the LPM blog. She has helped me to see that alcoholism really is an incurable disease that I cannot control. Thankfully I know someOne who can :) Not that that keeps me from struggling. Between that, my own desire to seem genuine, the stress of moving, the loneliness of not having an accountability team where I'm at right now and not knowing how long it will take to get that established in Spokane, and just plain not having anyone safe to talk to about all this stuff one on one, plus Changes That Heal, plus Breaking Free, is stirring up so much pain from my life that I have not dealt with, that it is absolutely making me want to run straight for the bottle. Why that? Why not cheesecake? Why not ice cream? Why alcohol? Well, too be honest with you, as great as those things are, they just don't have the power to anesthetize the pain that alcohol does, and being a rule follower, I don't like to break the law, so illegal drugs are not an option. I want alcohol and I want it now. What's really making me mad is I have to walk to go get it. I don't have a car, and my husband's being a real pain, telling me I don't need it. What is up with that! And to be honest with you, some of the pain that's been stirring up, relates to him, too. He's ignored some things, chosen not to set boundaries, where I think he should. I feel unprotected and I feel my children are unprotected by him, so I'm a little irritated with him. For not understanding, even though I understand it's hard to understand me. It's hard even for other alcoholics to understand me. I'm kind of weird, you know. I'm more of afraid of getting caught than anything else. I don't want any of the people from AA or CR to see me with alcohol! I honestly don't care if I drink. I know that's terrible. I wish nobody cared. I wish I had never told anyone how much I love to drink so I could just drink and everybody would leave me alone. I feel like a fake, cause I've been dry, but not really sober. I want to drink. I want to throw in the towel and say who cares? I want to for so many reasons I can't share here! But I've been dry for 18 months outside of any recovery program. I don't have a counselor. I don't have a sponsor. I don't have any accountability partners. I've tried to establish those in the past, but no one's been consistent with me. I know one who would have been, but I don't think she really gets it. She's not an alcoholic, she didn't grow up in an abusive home, she has never, that I'm aware of, been physically or sexually abused. She has no idea what that's like. I need someone who has a clue about these things and is completely non-judgmental, totally accepting of me right where I'm at, and will love me no matter what. Even if I screw up sometimes. Even if I screw up a lot. Cause to be honest with you, telling me how I should feel or what I should think has not helped me. If I could do that, just instantly change how I think and how I feel without talking through things, I'd have done it a long time ago! I know God's Word. That's the frustrating thing. I'm in it daily! I've been in it fairly consistently all of my believing life, which is almost 17 years!!! What I'm wanting to do is have one last binge and then go to a meeting, cause then it feels real! Right now it doesn't feel real at all. Nothing about me feels real. I don't seem like a genuine alcoholic. I never drank enough, consistently enough. I don't feel like a real Christian, cause I'm obsessing over things I know are wrong. I don't even feel like a real abuse victim, because others have been abused much more violently than I have. So, my parents said some mean things to me and they didn't give me the love I needed. They didn't listen to me or care how I felt. Yeah, my dad hit me sometimes, but never with a closed fists and never left a mark on me. At least not that I ever noticed. I was kinda trying to hard to avoid him and just about everyone else who might hurt me, to notice. And yeah, I was sexually assaulted, but I was never all out raped. What am I whining about anyway. Get over it, Shellie. It's not that bad....and yet, that doesn't work for me. I hurt. I feel neglected. I feel abused. I'm scared of people. I'm afraid that they're going to tell me my parents were right. I am hopeless. I am stupid. I can't do anything right. And I've sort of gotten that, maybe not in those exact words, from people who were supposed to help me. People who were supposed to love me. That I can't really have a relationship with God and know what I'm hearing from Him, because I'm not smart enough. I can't know my own heart, cause I'm not smart enough, so I can't possibly know what He's calling me to do. I can't know these things for myself. I need others to tell me what to do. I need to stop caring what I do or what kind of things I'm interested in. I'm not supposed to have interests. I'm not supposed to have desires for my own life. I'm supposed to stay home and only care for my family and do what my husband tells me to do. And, oh, my gosh, how dare he suggest I think about what I want! I'm not supposed to want anything! I'm not supposed to be my own person! I feel guilty for liking to write. I feel guilty for wanting friends. I feel guilty for wanting help! Why should I feel guilty about these things? Because others have told me they're sins. Others have told me I can't have desires apart from caring for my family. Others have told me I don't deserve better. After all, I deserve what Jesus got, and I get that, but I NEED more than that. And I think God understands that, which is why he let Jesus take my punishment so I wouldn't have to. So, all I'm asking is that people quit hurting me. I'm tired of being hurt. Is that too much to ask? I wish somebody would just hug me and tell me it's okay to hurt, that it's okay to cry and let me cry on their shoulder, maybe, just a little. And tell me that they're sorry that all that stuff happened to me, instead of just telling me to get over it. If I could I would, but it's not that simple. Very few people seem to understand that and they're not in a place where they're able to spend time with me and help me. Also, I know that I have this anxiety issue that causes me to choke up and not be able to speak. I'm terrified of people. I'm terrified to tell them of my pain. To be really real with them. I'm not sure I can, but I need to. And I need someone who understands that too, someone who has the time and the patience to sit there and wait until I figure out what words I can used to describe what I'm going through, and wait also, for me to get up the nerve to say what's going through my head, out loud. That's going to take a very patient person. I'm not sure such a person exists. Cause I'm scared of all of you. I may not seem like it in person, but notice how personal, how real I get with you? Not very. I'm scared how you'll react to the real me when I'm right in front of you.

How God Uses Writing To Help Me On My Journey

You know what I love?! Well, anyone who reads this blog, because I adore "talking" which is only fun if someone is "listening" and it just pleases me so much that anyone would want to "listen" to all of my rambling!:) BUT, what I really love is how God uses something I thought was meant to minister to someone else to minister to ME!!! I was told almost a year ago that I should write a book after telling a funny story about something one of my kids had done or I had done or whatever! I don't remember what the story was about, just that it was funny. (I love funny!) I told this friend that I already had written a book that I was then doing more research on and rewriting. I told her "It's a devotional book written from my study of 1 Corinthians."

She said, "No, that's not the book you should be writing. You should write a book about your life."

I replied, incredulously, "My life! Why write a book about my life? Nobody would want to read that! My life is boring!"

She said, "Uhhhhhhh, nooooo, it's not. You're life is fascinating, the things you've experienced, the things your kids say and do. You are always telling funny stories that actually have happened in your life, just like that one. You should write a book telling all those funny stories and other stories from your life of things you've experienced that may not be funny but they're interesting."

I had always been afraid to write my life story, though I'd thought about it, and been told that I should before. Not because of anything positive in my life, but because of my pain. People thought, as much as I love to write, that maybe writing it would be healing for me and possibly someday be able to help someone else. I was waiting for the healing I'd been desperately seeking to occur before I did that, but I decided then that I would put my 1 Corinthians project aside and began writing about my life. Yes, I was still in a lot of pain, but just cause I wrote it didn't mean I had to let anyone else read it! I could just hang onto, possibly editting it later to shine a more positive light on all that had happened to me. So, I began at the beginning talking about my birth, and all of the drama surrounding that. (Yes, it's dramatic when you enter the world with a cataract over your left eye and blind in that eye, and having glaucoma!) I asked God to show me what He wanted me to write. What stories I needed to tell. I've found out that even in those early years of hospital stays and abuse, that my life wasn't just painful. I remembered some really fun and interesting things, like my first horse show when I was five years old where I won a blue ribbon :) It HAS been incredibly healing for me, but not just because I'm "getting out" all the old baggage that has hurt me for years, though, consciously, I try not to even think about it and am usually successful, but this never-ending ache continues on. I'm not saying I don't still hurt; that I don't still need help from God and others to deal with the painful things. It's just neat to see all of the wonderful experiences i had mixed in with that. It's a relief to know that God had good things in my life, even then, when I didn't know Him and didn't want to. He was there even when I rejected Him. He was there in the time I spent with the horses and other animals on the farm. He was there in the times I did participate in sports and not do a sickeningly horrible job. He was there, keeping me sane through it all. He gave me people every now and again who were nice to me and he gave me people who were fun and wanted to have fun with me. No, I didn't have anyone I could call a close friend. I never learned how to talk things through, something I'm still learning; how to share my pain. I'm still not good at it and it feels awkward and weird and the words never come out right. I wish people understood more. I wish I understood more. But God let me have some fun, even while most of the authority figures in my life were only hurting me. I'm still scared to talk about that things that hurt, cause so many have used those very things against me. People I should have been able to trust. I already had trust issues and then they added more. I'm struggling right now and have hardly slept in days. I can feel the bags under my eyes, and they're burning as I toss and turn at night with all the memories that I can't quite come to terms with. I'm so tired and my head hurts. I threw out my neck and apparently hips and back at some point last week, so at times I can't even move my head without excruciating pain. I went to the chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment since I could hardly turn my head at all. It still hurt after he adjusted me and I still didn't have full range of motion. I'm almost back to full range today, but will need to go back in again tomorrow to get adjusted again. So, yes, I'm struggling, but God is so good to me and has helped me remember the good times, too! He's used an old "friend" from my growing up years to help with that. I love her so much and wish we could spend time together in person, but she lives in another town and we both have very busy lives, each with three kids and a husband, and she is a working mom, which I can't even imagine the pressure of! Yet, she stays so positive even when she sometimes gets overwhelmed. Don't we all! Love you, Jenny! And I'm just so glad for all the good that I see in my life!!! God is good and He will and most likely, IS healing me, even if I can't see it right now.

What An Amazing God!

I must admit sometimes it's a comment from one of you that prompts me a little. It's so hard sometimes, because I have so many things on my heart all at the same time. It's moments like these that I realize that despite everything, my past, the years I spent shoving every substance down my throat or into my lungs that I could get my hands on to numb the pain, all of it. Despite all of it and how hard I tried to self-destruct, my life is truly amazing and a miracle from God!!! Call it what you want, but I KNOW who dug me out of addiction! No one but God could have done that! By the time I came to Christ in college when I was stoned all I could think about was where my next joint was coming from. It kills me to think where I might have gone next if God hadn't grabbed my heart that fall of 1995! I do remember asking people about Crack-Cocaine at that time and inquiring as to what that was like *cringe* Clearly I was getting to a point where the lighter drugs were not doing it for me anymore. Thank You, JESUS for sending exactly the people I needed at that time to show me (not just tell me) that there's a very real God who LOVES me!!!! I'm a very tangible, hands on kind of person! Words alone don't do it for me (although obviously I love words!). I need you to prove it to me. I think most of us do. Especially after all I had been through. I had heard the words "I love you" more than I like to think about, but really they only loved my body and what I could do for them! Prove it! Prove to me that you mean what you say! It's amazing to me how many tangible ways God has shown me that He loves me. He first loved me through the father-figure, Dave, taking an interest in me, even when he knew about the drugs and the promiscuous behavior!

What an amazing God!

Then, he introduced me to Josh Paparazzo! He's used that man more in my life than you could ever know or understand! From the moment I almost called off our wedding, because I feared being in a sexual relationship again. He told me the wedding night wasn't that important. That if I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. He wouldn't push me. We'd take as long as I needed and he'd be gentle. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, even if we never consummated our marriage!

What an amazing God!

(Obviously we consummated our marriage :))

Then, through my children! I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up feeling so down on myself, and my sweet toddler at the time and morning girl (Ugh! Those people oughtta be shot! jk) would climb into bed next to me, run her fingers through my hair and say, "Mommy, you're the most beautiful Mommy in the whole world!" And she meant it! She even challenged our neighbors to disagree with her! She'd go up to them with her hands on her hips and say matter-of-factly, "My mommy's the most beautiful mommy in the whole world!" And I mean, she was dramatic about it, like she was just daring them to try and disagree with her! I was the most beautiful (the fairest in the land) and no way was she wrong! I'm pretty sure she believes it to this day! That was my middle child, Angela.

What an amazing God!

My children grew and eventually, one by one each came to know Christ and was baptized! My son, who loves God's Word, almost as much as I do (Reading and hearing God's Word was the first time I can recall being told that I was anything other than a total loser. Oh, some never said anything really bad about me, but not super good, either!) was doing a bible study on his own that he had won at a VBS and he came up to me one day and said, "Mom, I have an assignment for my bible study. I'm supposed to thank one person who influenced my life for Christ, so mom, thank you for teaching me to love Jesus." It may have been an assignment, but I knew he meant it and I nearly bawled. That was around the same time that my daughter Angela had decided she wanted to be baptized and on the day she was baptized our pastor came up to me and said, "I just wanted you to know that when Angela and I met she told me some really wonderful things she learned from her mother." This was truly too much for me. How could this messed up, alcoholic mama ever have taught her children anything of the Lord? He was amazed at her understanding and knowledge of scripture.

What an amazing God!

And then, Chloe came into my life at a time when I'd completely given up hope on ever being a good mother. I was just going through the motions, trying to get through. Had given up trying to kill myself or get healed. I was just doing what I had to do. When I found out I was pregnant I was so mad at God. We weren't planning on having a third at that time. I asked God why he was giving me this child. Wasn't it bad enough I was already screwing up two? Why did He want to give me a third to mess up? Chloe was such an easy baby and she even made caring for the other two easier. I can't really explain how she did, but she did. I remember one day about a week after she'd come home from the hospital, right after doing the assembly line, changing all 3 of them, cause they had poopy diapers at the same time (wasn't that convenient), that I was doing this mom thing and I was doing a good job. A wonderful feeling came over me that I had not felt in a long time. I had no idea, but Chloe was a gift to me. I always thought that God gave children to parents, because those children needed that parent, but this parent needed that child!

What an amazing God!

As if that weren't enough she grew to be the biggest sanguine you've ever met in your life! If you look up the word sanguine you'll see a picture of Chloe's face right next to it! She IS the definition of sanguine! She and Angela are still the biggest cheerleaders I have! (Big for short people anyway :)) She bounces around and laughs and smiles all day long. She's really hard to be depressed around! Sometimes when it gets really bad, even she can't make me smile. In fact, she irritates me, but generally, she makes me smile, and sometimes even laugh almost every day!

What an amazing God!

My son is brilliant and he loves his mama with all his heart! Even at 13 years of age he still hugs me in public! He tells his friend's he's mama's boy and he's proud of it!

What an amazing God!

My husband has stood by me for almost 15 years of some of the worst times I've ever seen and he still has eyes for not another woman. I'm telling you he doesn't even notice other women. No, I'm not kidding. We were at a restaurant once and a woman walked by that I swear looked like she'd just stepped off the cover of a magazine, and I said, "Wow! Did you see that lady? She was stunning!" I seriously wouldn't have blamed him for noticing. He's married, he's not blind! I notice good-looking guys when I see them sometimes. But he said, "What lady?" He was serious. He had no clue what I was talking about. I then knew that the man with the visions who told me that he had a vision about my husband and did I know that Josh is so incredibly faithful to me that he doesn't even notice other women. He only sees me. I seriously have the man who only has eyes for one, and that's me.

What an amazing God!

As if His dying on the cross weren't enough, He did all this for me! And I'm sure if I really thought about it I could go on and on and on! This move, our house selling right away, my car selling, us finding a great house, so quickly. I'm shaking my head right now.

What an amazing God!

Busy Life!

Wow! It's been a crazy life! Had so much going on in my head and been journaling about it some, but not been on here. I've been emailing a friend who's been helping me sort stuff out. So much going on. So many decisions being made, but it's 1:30 am and I just wanted to say hi! The long and short of the biggest news in our world is I'm so done with legalism and we're now going to Real Life Ministries On The Palouse. Have only gone one Sunday so far. I loved it. Josh seemed happy with it. Jeremiah's been going to there youth group for a while, so he was thrilled. No longer feels like he's cheating on his church! Most of his friends from school go to Real Life, so that's why he was going to youth group there. The girls?! Oh, my! They loved it so much they were practically doing cartwheels telling me about it after church, while practicing there memory verses for the work!!! Whoa! My girls excited about homework! I love it! That has seriously never happened before. They love meeting new people, so really always thought they'd be happy if we just went to a new church every week!!!! But they weren't just excited about the new people! They were excited about what they learned there! That thrilled me to pieces, but I'll tell you about it later, because I really need to get to bed!

My Public Apology To CR Moscow And the Hope Center

Since I've sort of slandered a couple of ministries in my small town on here, publicly, I now need to make a public apology to those ministries on here as well. Those ministries, more specifically being, CR Moscow, and the Hope Center and the ministry it has to the community, particularly Resource Ministries. There was a lot of misunderstanding on my part, of what there purpose really is, that I should have investigated myself, before talking about it on here. Resource Ministries only helps those who are able to work and want to work, not those just looking for a handout or permanently on disability. Those people will be sent elsewhere for help. There are government programs for them. It's not that they want them to be left out in the cold, they just have to choose with their limited resources the particular people they are going to serve. They are human and can't help everyone. No one ministry or person can do that. That is why we have a world-wide body of believers. That is also why there are food banks, food stamps, unemployment, and disability,as well as many other government sponsored programs for those who need it.

Also, Celebrate Recovery is an awesome program for addicts and as they say, people looking for "freedom for life's hurts, habits, and hang-ups." And really, who does that not include? I can't think of a single person I know who couldn't use a little of that!!! I'm pretty sure it's the human condition!!! Everyone has them, if they're alive, breathing, and living on planet Earth!!!! While, I have not personally found anyone there that I connect with well on a personal level, that's not to say that you won't find exactly what you need there. I still very much appreciate them for what they do provide for me. A safe place to hang out and be myself and share my struggles, knowing it will never leave the room unless I, myself, take it outside the room, which, as you know, I often do, but that's my business, not anyone else's, and as far as I can tell, no one's ever shared anything outside the group without my permission. I may not have found all the support I need there. God has provided that in other ways, and in some very unusual ways, through social media, I have met some people who have helped me. Quite unusual but it works for now. With my limited resources in this small town, I have to do what I have to do, but there are wonderful people at Celebrate Recovery, who, even if you don't relate well with them, like I haven't, they will love you, and who knows? You might find someone you do connect with. We all have different personalities, and different things that work for us, so don't be afraid to try it and give them a chance. I still may yet find someone I connect with, personally, there. You never know!!! Have a beautiful, God-filled day!!!!

Peter Walking On The Water

Okay, not quite as late being on here as I have been in the past, so we're going to try to write a real post this time. I wanted to talk to you about Peter walking on the water, so let's see if I can gather my thoughts. First, I have to get out my bible! Ha! That would help!!!

Matthew 14:25-32
During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

This is the passage I was telling you about a few weeks ago that hit me in a new way. Read this so many times, as I know many of you have as well, but something hit me that never hit me before. Now, as many of you know, I'm doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free book, not the workbook, just the book, right now. Yes, I said I'm doing it, almost as though it were a bible study, and not just a book. Sort of doing it in my own way and sometimes I go back and read a chapter or two or three over again and look up many of the scriptures again! For instance, this is actually in chapter 7 of her book, and I am currently back in chapter 5 again! I know, I'm weird! I have referred to my workbook, Breaking Free, that I did years ago, from time to time as well. In the book, Mrs. Moore talks about how the storm continues as Peter walks out onto the water, that Jesus doesn't calm the storm until after they're back in the boat, and that He may not always calm our storms either, but ask us to trust Him in the midst of the storm(loosely translated, I believe that's sort of what she was getting at.) The chapter is on enjoying the presence of God and so she was emphasizing that while we might not enjoy the storm, we can enjoy His presence in the midst of the storm, but even though that was the emphasis she was taking and yes, it did resonate with me, something else about that passage hit me that she didn't emphasize. I believe God emphasized it for me! This was particularly important to me in my situation.

As you all know, I have struggled with depression almost all of my life, and the part that really jumped out at me was when Peter cried out and Jesus "reached out his hand and caught him." This just made my heart squeeze again. Even just a minute ago when I wrote that it grabbed my heart once again, and made me love Jesus even more! I just can't get over it! I'm telling you, this was HUGE to me, and I bet you're wishing I would just hurry up and tell you instead of just telling you that it meant a lot to me. I thought about the fact that Peter doubted. I've often thought that when I doubted God in the midst of depression that He would just let me drown, but no! Peter doubted, and when he cried out to Jesus, even while doubting, "Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Do you see where I'm going with this!!! I would have expected Him to be like, "Well, since you doubted I'm just going to let you drown!" But that's NOT what Jesus did! First He "reached out his hand...." Oh, how those words right there just grab me every time!!! When, I cry for Him, even when I doubt His ability to rescue me, to heal me, or His desire to do so, He will still reach back for me, and save me! He won't let me drown in depression! As long as I keep crying out to Him, no matter how weak my faith is, He'll reach back every single time! He rescued him and only then did He ask him why he had doubted! And he only asked him once. He didn't lecture. I love that about God. I don't think He has ever lectured me! Pastors have lectured me, counselors have lectured me, my parents (of course: insert eye roll) have lectured me, my husband may have even lectured me a time or two, but God never has!!! He doesn't need to. He knows I'm either listening or I'm not. No point in lecturing, because after all, I will just roll my eyes. I'll admit it. I'm not much less rebellious than I was as a teenager with my parents. (I can't believe I just admitted that!) I felt like God whispered sweetly to me, while holding me in His arms at that very moment, that I read that and said, "My Child. I'm. Not. Going. To let you drown!" He's not. He's going to reach back, every single time that I cry out to Him in fear that I'm going to drown. Then we'll work on increasing my faith. But only after He catches me. Oh, I love Him soooooo much! Have I mentioned that! He is My Jesus! And I wish I could say that I'll never doubt Him again, but I probably will, and He'll reach out and catch me....again!!!

Me, Grieving, Alone

Well, the speakers at Women of Faith were awesome as always!!!! I didn't care too much for some of the people I went with as usual. I'm not a big fan of Celebrate Recovery here in Moscow anymore. I do love a few truly wonderful people who go there. Of course, none of them are leaders. What is it with me and leaders? They always seem to misunderstand and judge me, although this time it was mostly one who's not on leadership and thinks she knows me. She doesn't. Most people I find don't even listen to me enough to actually know me. The people who judge me most at Celebrate Recovery are those that aren't even in small group with me, so not only do they not hear me talking about personal things, it's not like 3-5 minutes once a week is enough time of me talking for them to really know me, like they think they do, anyway. Wow! That was a horrifyingly awful run-on sentence! I'm famous for these, but that was really bad! Okay, ADD brain, get back on target. I only knew Lisa Whelchel by name as someone who was a speaker before I went, so she wasn't even one of the speakers I was looking forward to hearing, and yet it was her book I ended up buying, "Friendship for Grown-Ups." If you, like me, had no friends growing up, for whatever reason, I highly recommend it. I've only begun reading it, but I love it, and interestingly enough, she talks about grieving in this book, which I was not expecting. One of the problems I'm having though, is with her assessment that "it's okay to be needy." I find that I'm too needy and this is why I struggle in relationships. It's when I start sharing my struggles, even a little bit, that people either get mean, or run for their lives! This hurts very deeply. As if I didn't need counseling before, I most definitely need it now! But she did give me permission to grieve. Further confirmation for me that I need to grieve the losses in my life! Thirty-six years worth of them, that I have never been allowed to grieve over! Some of these are actual people in my life that have died. Some of these are friendships that were severed and some of it is just things I should have had growing up, like parents who loved me and were affectionate, and talked to me about the things that I was struggling through, instead of me having to go it alone. And of course, all of the abuse! I could be grieving for a while, so if you have a problem with people grieving, you probably don't want to be my friend for many, many years!!!! Hopefully, it won't take 36 years to grieve through 36 years of loss! But I don't think it's going to be overnight either. I wish it would be. It isn't fun for me either. I think the time will be even longer, because I am left alone to grieve, with no one to talk to, because most have indicated in one way or another that they disapprove, and because I've had my trust broken so much over the last several months, I'm finding myself unable to let people close to me, in. Also, there aren't really any Christian Counselors available here, and even the one's that are here, we can't afford. We are down to bare minimum, so I'm stuck. I'm not trusting anyone who is not a professional. I've also quit going to church, cause I'm tired of leaving discouraged and crying. I'm not going to bible study, cause I'm afraid of me talking to much, as usual, and getting hurt. My very personality seems to be wrong. The one I was born with. Anybody who thinks I don't have a sanguine personality, you're wrong. People who knew me when I was little tell me I was a sanguine from the beginning. Years of being torn down took there toll and I became painfully shy, but that's not really who I am! I will not be defined by the me that I became as a result of abuse and depression! I did quit going to Celebrate Recovery, but a friend threatened to kidnap me and drag me there, so I went :) I stuck to her like a leach, and totally avoided talking to certain people but I went.

Internet Troubles And Me "Working"

Warning: This post may or may not discuss female hormones and the physical manifestations (periods) that are produced by said hormones. So, guys, and gals who are uncomfortable with this particular subject for whatever reason, may want to refrain from reading this post. Consider yourself warned.





Well, we seem to have survived the 3 days that we had no internet at all. Yes, since I posted last we have pretty much not had internet at all. It went out Sunday morning again, and I did not catch it on again until this morning, when, of course, we had scheduled for a tech guy from Time-Warner to come out and look at it, and, hopefully, fix it for us. I was afraid this might result in him not understanding what the problem was, but it was clear that our signal, which should have been full-strength, is very weak. He looked to see why, and figured out that the lines that are underground are pretty much done for. So, it's going to take some doing to fix it. He did remove a spacer, I think it said it was, that didn't need to be there, giving us a stronger signal for now. It's still not as strong as it should be, so they will be looking at getting a work order to come out and dig and replace that underground line. He said to call if it continues cutting out on us, cause they could put in a temporary above ground line if necessary. They like to avoid doing that, however, since it does produce a problem for things like lawn mowing and sometimes people trip over them and things like that, so hopefully, it will work okay until they can fix it more permanently.

Anyway, I will be going to Women Of Faith Over The Top, this weekend in Spokane, Washington. I'm pretty excited about it. Some really wonderful people that I know from my church are going with us. We will meet to carpool at 7 am in the Rosauer's parking lot. I haven't gotten a ride yet, so hopefully, at that point they will throw me in with somebody. I'm sure they won't leave me to fend for myself! I also do not know who I'm staying with or anything as far as hotel accomodations. I will find that out as well. I also don't know which hotel, of the two hotels, they made reservations at, that I will be staying in. I do not have to pay for my ticket or hotel. I was asked to do 4 hours of work at the Hope Center, which I know I blogged about in the past, to "pay" for my trip to Spokane. I know it's still a steal since I know I would not get paid what the ticket and accomodations cost for the work that I did, so I'm so grateful.

I'm actually really grateful for the work that I was able to do at the Hope Center as well, though. For one thing it distracted me from what I couldn't do on here this week. It also showed me that there are things I am capable of doing. I'm not totally helpless, and that people will appreciate the work I do and not consider me too slow, or just in the way, like I was always treated growing up. I fear making even the smallest of mistakes as a result of the often violent ways that my family responded when I would even make a simple mistake. I experienced the same at the one job I had in college that wasn't working for my parents. I don't like working around people for this reason. I have found myself being uncomfortable at times when I thought I didn't really like the way I was having to do something, but not seeing a better option at the time. I was worried that the workers there would have a problem with the way I organized things on the shelves or whatever. I'm sure they'll never complain, cause I'm sort of volunteer labor. Well, this time I was part of the Goods for Services program they have. Yes, they allowed women who couldn't afford to go, but wanted to go to Women Of Faith, to work 4 hours at the Hope Center as part of that program. It's one of the many ways the Hope Center serves our community. It's also a thrift store. It's really, truly, a wonderful place. I've bought many things there for my family. In fact, there are probably just as many things from there in my house as there are from Wal-Mart or any place like that at this point. Love that place, and love that my money goes to help others in need when I shop there! Sometimes, obviously, that person in need is me, although, I wouldn't really consider a desire to go to Women Of Faith a need really, but I was happy when they offered me this opportunity. It also ensured that I wouldn't feel quite so guilty about letting them pay my way while I save up for the SSMT celebration in January. I really don't have the money anyway, even if I wasn't going for that. This would be why I still have not made hotel reservations or bought plane tickets yet! But it will happen! We're doing our best to make sure it does! Well, my best I suppose might be getting a job, although, I'm not quite emotionally ready for that, yet. Like I said, the few hours I put in this week at the Hope Center produced some anxiety, even when I was working with people I know love me, and not for very long periods of time. These people are my friends, and are happy to have any help. I may continue helping there on a volunteer basis next week. I still have not had time to look for counseling. Now, since getting ready for Women of Faith, became a priority, I'll have to do that next week. It just keeps getting pushed back, but that's okay. It will be fine.

Now, my only concern with Women of Faith, and why I hadn't made that a priority to save up for or anything before, is because I went once before. It wasn't a positive experience :( I went with some people I didn't really know and I don't sleep well, so first off, I had one lady get mad at me for being up and down all night on Friday night (it is a Friday-Saturday event). She was really annoyed and talked to me very rudely. Actually, she didn't even talk directly to me. She just made rude, sarcastic remarks very loudly when I was nearby. Also, unlike the Living Proof Live conferences I enjoy so much, there are several speakers and musicians and they all have very different styles. Some are funny, some are more serious, so you find yourself laughing one minute and crying the next. I'm already quite emotional, so that was very hard for me to deal with. Of course, that was early in my recovery, when I was still pretty uncomfortable with feeling anything at all!! I think I had emotion overload, because I crashed and I crashed hard, upon returning home. I decided to risk it this time, because this opportunity was offered directly to me on facebook. I was thrilled that someone would care enough to single me out as someone who could benefit from this offer! So, how could I turn it down?! I didn't....obviously. But, given the emotional issues, you can imagine how thrilled I was when I started my period this afternoon. (Now, I'M about to get sarcastic!) Gee, thanks God. Let's add some hormones to this mix and see if we can get some drama out of her!!! How do ya like that!?! Man, oh, man. Oh, well. I'm sure it will be fine. At least this time I'm aware of how emotional it will be and how long! It's all day Friday and all day Saturday, so a lot longer than LPL! So, I'm sure we will manage and be prayed up. I hope many of you will pray for me as well. I have many other things to tell you, but alas, it will have to wait!

Scripture Memory And Spiritual Warfare: One Is Absolutely Essential To Be Effective In The Other!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! It is scripture memory day on Beth Moore's blog and I've been so distracted by the short, goofy people that I haven't even looked at the verses I've noted to be possibly what I should be memorizing right now, to see which one God would have me memorize and meditate on for this 15 days or so. God is using this in incredible ways in my life. He's been so good to bring the memory verse I've been working on from Romans 8 verses 38 and 39 at times when Satan has been messing with me in the very intense spiritual attack that I have been under for a while. Or was under. I feel that it has lifted from me, somewhat, at this point, with my family here and all, but in the quiet moments, even though I am happy that they are home, and hopeful at what God is doing in my life, I can still often feel a slight ache in my soul that lets me know there is still healing that needs to happen there. But He is faithful and He will continue to be faithful to me! So sure of my standing with Him right now that it's brought joy in my pain that I didn't even know was possible!!! Anyway, those verses have helped me combat the Enemy so many times, and just saying His Name! Outloud and in all caps on twitter and my blog and, I think that's about it, but wherever I happen to be and whatever I happen to be doing I am getting to experience for the first time really, just how much POWER there is, just in the name of JESUS! Whenever Satan attacks I try to do one of those two things and also just to cry out to God for His healing and His Truth in my life. I am getting to love Him more and more, so I'm thinking at this point in time, it is so worth it, to go through this, if it's what it takes to really have Him as my all in all! And to know that, to the depth of my soul, that He is everything and nothing and no one else will satisfy quite like He will! Not even my husband and children and yet He's let them into my life, as my responsibility, yes, but also, to enjoy! And I am!!!! They are no longer a burden to me! It is my pleasure to serve them in anyway I can at this point in time!!!

But the verses! Scripture memory is sooooo important! Even if you think (or know) that you can't really memorize the verses word for word, just picking some to put on note cards and carry with you and meditate on throughout your day or days is extremely helpful. You can just pull that card out of your pocket or wherever and say it, out loud, when the Enemy comes at you with lies that you know are lies, because they are not consistent with God's Word! We must know His Word! That's why He gave it to us, and I have to admit, I have a hard time maintaining a lot of memory verses. I usually can only recall the one that I'm working on currently without lots of hints and things about what the verse is dealing with or what word it starts with, or something like that. I do struggle with scripture memory, but I press on, and trust Him to use that working on those in my life, anyway! Even if next month I can't recall the verse I'm memoriaing now. It's in there, somewhere, because His Word does not return void. Another verse that's in my head somewhere, though I can't recall the reference, again. But the important thing is, I know God's truth, even if I don't know exactly where it is in the bible. I know it's there, cause He's taught it to me, and I can always look it up, when in doubt! That's what bible concordances are for!

When I can't seem to focus on the truth, because the battle is just that FIERCE at times, He's been faithful to let others see it and enter the battle with me, and say "Shellie, that's a lie from the pit of hell!" And they'll tell me, say His Name, out loud right now, or whatever it is I need to hear and whatever it takes to help me get back on track! So thankful for the Body of Christ, as well! But if not for Christ Himself, there would be no Body, so He is the head! He is my Refuge and my Healer!

My "Shack" Has Been Invaded

I would say that it's been invaded by aliens, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate. It's been invaded by the short, goofy people that I gave birth, too, which really, aliens....short, goofy people I gave birth, too....kind of the same thing really:) And, of course, my husband...the love of my life! Well, really, JESUS is the absolute, complete and total love of my life, but Josh is pretty amazing. He came home a very different man than the one that I left at Camp Grizzly...or maybe he's not and I'm just a different woman than the one that left him. I sure hope so! Or best case scenario: it could be both. He may have grown out there with the kids, while I grew here by myself. I sure hope I grew in this last month. It was a total waste if I didn't! I don't think it was wasted though! Have I ever learned something about the INTENSITY of spiritual warfare when you are seriously being attacked by the Enemy over strongholds you've had for years!!!! I let Satan keep a stronghold in my life that I had before I came to know Christ, for all of these years, and I didn't really even fully realize it, or how much he wanted to hurt me with it, until this last week! I really didn't think I'd make it....and without the friends that God has provided in the Body of Christ, I'm positive I wouldn't have, because I would not have recognized it as a battle with the Enemy. It's hard to hang on when the shouting of the Enemy is so loud, you can't discern the Voice of God, for the life of you, without someone urging you back to the truth that you know we have in Him! I'm learning to cry out to JESUS on a whole new level than I ever knew before. I'm a little concerned with my kids here now, that I won't be able to cry like I need to over the pain and fears from my childhood. I am praying that when it is appropriate that God will help me to grieve in the way I need to. I know that He will use this in my kids lives, also, because He's just that Good :) Oh, man, is He ever, and my husband and I are enjoying sweet fellowship with each other, in the way that He designed that to happen. I know we will continue to have our struggles and our hardships, but I am choosing the Rock, for the rest of my life! From now on, when the winds blow and the earth quakes, I will remain steadfast and true to my God! Now, is that easier said than done? OH, Yeah! And, I'm sure, I will stumble from time to time, but I will get back up and keep going, keep fighting.

As far as the counseling situation goes, I have a few options, and I will be praying and seeking to see what the Lord would provide for me in that area. I've been receiving advice from some godly friends and mentors and considering my options and we will talk about that later. But for now, "rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!" Not going to look up that scripture reference right now, but trust me, it's in there :)

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 20

Well, today was nearly disastrous. I almost quit on all of you. Thanks to God connecting me with a wonderful friend via twitter (the friend I believe I've mentioned before) she was able to redirect my mind back to God. At least sort of, enough for me to be functional again at least and not just laying in my bed crying quite loudly and trying to pray but unable to get the words out through my sobbing. (Screaming?) I don't know it was pretty loud and obnoxious. Not sure I've ever made a sound quite like that before. It even scared me. This was pain coming from so deep inside myself that I'm not even 100% percent sure what it was at all. It started by discovering I'd been blocked by some people and then of course, being angry with myself for being so annoying, which then led to me thinking, I've never been a safe person to interact with and never will be. So, despair, hopelessness, all that really wonderful stuff that characterizes my life, mostly. It is a rare occasion that I truly have great faith in God, and that shouldn't be. Of course, personally, I think hearing things like, "real Christians don't experience depression," and "you just need to trust God" and "if you had repented of all of your sins you wouldn't be feeling this way," or similar unhelpful nonsense from nearly every one in my life who could have helped or at least tried to help me find help, probably has not increased my ability to cope. I'm just saying...

Are you sensing me feeling a bit sarcastic tonight? I feel like everyone is trying to treat the symptoms and not the source. Of course, I'm not even 100% certain of the source, myself. Very well-meaning people, who, I know are genuinely trying to help, but don't really understand the kinds of things I've been through or what it is to live with this issue. I don't believe it is completely medical. At least not in my case. I can't speak for anyone else. I believe that there are deeply rooted feelings of continual rejection left over from my childhood that cause me to desperately cling to people who have loved me on any level. I am trying to be more careful about how much I share online and who I share with, so they're not overwhelmed, but it's hard, cause I do want connection with certain people even if they don't respond back to me. I'm forcing myself to not @mention people on twitter, unless it's a matter that has to do with them directly. Or, if I'm responding to something they said, obviously. Anyway, people tell me things like I should finish one task each day, so I have a sense of accomplishment, or make a list of things I'm thankful for, or listening to music, which are all really great things, and they might help temporarily, but the problem comes when eventually the lights go out and I have to lay down and at least attempt to sleep and I still have to deal with my wounded child heart. I really do believe it's still desperately wounded, because I can see where certain things that are said to me, or done to me, are similar to the way that my parents treated me. That's when I react and become heartbroken, because I'm already heartbroken, still from the emotional neglect and abuse of my childhood. I'm beginning to wonder if I always will be. I'm seriously looking into the possibility of a Christian Mental Health facility. Getting me there would be challenging since all of them are several days drive away, at least the one's I've found so far. I really do often feel abandoned by God so often, in this very isolated from many Christian facilities, part of the country that I live in(grammar? Oh, boy! I hope you can make sense of that. I don't have time to edit.) We don't have Christian based facilities like that here, is my point. In fact, we don't have professional Christian Counselors, which is why I have suffered alone for so long in the first place!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 18

Wow, it's late, but I thought I'd check in with ya'll. I'm still here. There have been a lot of ups and downs and that's pretty much the story of my life, and I'm beginning to think I always will be on the verge of a breakdown in some way, shape, or form. Don't know when I will no longer suffer from severe depression and feeling like I'm not really worth anything. Not feeling that way this second, but that's cause I'm too tired. Good night!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 16

Well, last night, after posting about my "daddy" I went to bed and bawled over how much I miss him! My life was pretty crazy at the time that I lost him to cancer, I believe it was Thanksgiving Day 2006, so I really didn't get any time alone to really mourn his passing. I was extremely heartbroken over the whole thing and even more so, because I hadn't seen him in years. You see, after we were married, my husband and I were a little overwhelmed by married life, I think, and I in particular had gotten worse in my depression (not because my husband didn't treat me right, I assure you!) and we didn't really stay in contact with the people we knew in Coeur d'Alene. We decided it was time to move on, so we didn't really contact them for a very long time. This was before the days of facebook and twitter and blogs and even before we had our own PC at home to email people. In fact, I don't know about Josh, but it was the first time I had really embraced the whole internet thing and started using my email account at school. (Wow, things have changed in a relatively short amount of time!) In fact, I'm not sure that embrace is really the right word. I more like surrendered, because sooo many people were telling me, "email me," or "did you get my email?" so I surrendered and started checking it to see these much needed emails people were sending me on this email account they gave me when I registered at UofI, that I had no intention of using. (I know this is amusing to many of you who know how much I love technology now!)

Anyway, I'm way off track, darn ADD brain. We didn't talk to our friends in Coeur d'Alene for many years. Than we were there to enjoy some fireworks at one point, because my dad had moved there and we thought Coeur d'Alene might be fun for the Fourth of July! (Don't do it if you have young children. The fights and profanity in the parking lot are so not worth it!) It was fun, other than the parking lot scene....which was very entertaining at first, as well....until the kids got old enough to repeat the wonderful words that they heard! But at this time we bumped into a few people that we knew from when we were dating and engaged to be married. (That is usually why you get engaged! Did you ever wonder why people have to add "to be married" to that statement?) We found out that people had been asking about us, and me in particular, wondering how we were doing, so we reconnected with some of them, particularly our former pastor and his wife, another man that Josh knew from even before Coeur d'Alene, and Dave (or as you know him, "daddy.") I didn't actually get to see him that day, but I did talk to him on the phone. Actually, the last time I saw him in person, was on my wedding day. (How sad is that?) If I remember correctly he basically threatened my new husband within an inch of his life if he didn't treat me properly. Yes, I think he most definitely treated me like a daughter, or at least how I would imagine, a real dad, who really does love his daughter as he should, would treat his daughter. I wouldn't really know much about that. I'm glad I got to experience if for at least a short period of time through Dave. After that, we again, got very busy with our life in Moscow, and didn't contact anyone for a long time. When we did, we found out that Dave and his family had moved to Texas and that Dave was very sick with cancer, and that he was getting very weak and did not believe that he would make it. I remember starting to open my mouth to ask for contact information for him, and couldn't for the lump in my throat! I could not, at that time, let myself cry in front of anyone! I don't think even I realized fully, up to that point, how important that relationship was to me. I could not believe that he would die. I told myself that God was going to heal him and that he would come back to Idaho and then, we would talk. That's not what happened. He did die, and because of my fear, I didn't even know it until about a month after his passing. All I could think was that I never told him how much I loved him. I was still mostly afraid to cry in front of anyone, but after having spent a year in Celebrate Recovery, I thought maybe I could face his illness and asked someone in an email about him....but it was too late. He was gone and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. No amount of tears, no amount of screaming at God would bring him back. He was gone, and I lost my chance. I remember actually thinking at the time, that it was probably a good thing he didn't know how I was. He would be so disappointed. But after thinking about what I told you all about him last night, I know he wouldn't be disappointed. Well, he might be a little, but mostly he would just love me, and want to do anything he could to help, just like he always did. I never gave myself permission to grieve his passing. I didn't dare let anyone see that I was hurting, so I feel like for the first time, as crazy as that might be almost 5 years after his passing, I am finally grieving this gigantic loss in my life. I miss him terribly!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 14

I was just listening to a lesson online by Beth Moore on her "Inheritance" series and she talks about the prodigal son. She talks about how when someone is truly repentant it's marked by humility. You know, I'm not sure if I've been truly repentant about some things in my life. Sure I've walked away from those sins, but like she suggests, sometimes I fantasize about them in my mind. Particularly where drinking is concerned. I enjoy some of those memories of drinking. Of course, I don't enjoy some of the things that happened while I was drunk. I don't enjoy the memories of the men I gave myself to while I was drunk. Some of them, I never even knew their names! That seriously makes me nauseous! I'm not kidding! There is nothing more awful to me than the thought that I gave a piece of my soul to a stranger! If you don't think that doesn't happen when you sleep with someone, think again! We hear so much these days about how it was "just sex." No such thing! Take it from me, okay! Don't go out there and find out for yourself! There. is. NO! such. thing. as. just. sex! Why do you think that rape is such a horrible thing! They stole a piece of the person's soul that they raped! The STOLE it! They had absolutely no right! You can get that back if seek God for it. I know this for a fact, too. I've received back a lot of lost dignity, from God (Praise You, Jesus!) but it was painful, I promise you that!

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on that. I know I was repentant of the particular sin that I was involved in when I left Camp Grizzly. That's why I had to leave. I was so SICK over it, I couldn't even stand myself, let alone anyone else! I'm so sick of this issue ruling me, I can hardly stand it! If it raises its ugly head again, I don't know what I'll do, but man, it won't be good! I'm sure it won't. I'm absolutely determined, more than ever, not to let it!!!

But, the drinking thing. Man, I don't know if I'll ever get to where that doesn't appeal to me on so many levels. It's just when I'm so miserable, it just seems like being drunk was so much better. I know it wasn't, that's why I don't do it, but I still dream about it. Oh, man, I hate admitting that to you. Anyone else fantasizing about sin they know they should hate? Or am I completely alone in this?

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 11

I've been home for a while, and while I have not communicated with people outside my home much, I have been emailing, tweeting, facebooking, and, of course, blogging. I've gotten all sorts of questions I generally don't know how to answer. I've had people tell me that what I'm doing is unhealthy and unbiblical. I'm not sure there's anything unbiblical or unhealthy about it, unless I made it permanent. Obviously we're supposed to interact with people, but we're also supposed to get alone with God, and I think some of us need much more intensive and lengthy time with Him. Because of where we have been without Him! I lived without Christ for 20 years, and you don't even want to know the kind of sin I was involved in during that time! Trust me, you do not want to know the details! You would not like me...and I probably wouldn't like you, because I would be extremely uncomfortable with you knowing that much detail. Maybe not, but probably. It depends on who you are and what your profession is and that sort of thing. Some would even say that counseling is not biblical. I heard someone, not too long ago, go so far as to say, on a social networking site, that counseling has destroyed the church! Yes, there are people who believe this. I know of a couple of churches that thinks Psychology has nothing to offer the church! I understand where there thinking is. I agree that secular counseling falls short, but they're throwing out the baby with the bathwater. We do need to feel these things and to work through them. If we don't we'll never really be healed! And besides, I'd like those people who think we don't need to talk through these things, sometimes for a long time, to read the Psalms! I think David would disagree! And, of course, since it did end up in the bible, obviously, God disagrees, too! EVERYthing outside of the bible is not a lie! I'll give you an example: I have been sexually abused. Does God's Words say Shellie's been abused. NO! But it's still true. Electricity is a reality, and all of those studies and schematics are a reality, even though they're not in the bible. There is a lot of truth in our world, not addressed in the bible. God let us figure a few things out on our own. He did not tell us the earth was round! We had to figure that out on our own. The reality of my abuse is not the complete truth, but it is the truth. I have to apply scripture to it, but my point is, Psychology does have something to offer us. There are studies that teach us a lot about the human condition that God did not explicitly tell us in scripture.

My point is, just because we don't see it happening in scripture, doesn't make it unbiblical, entirely. We have to be discerning. I mean, if I was deciding to never leave my house again, that would be unhealthy...and unbiblical, but I'm not doing that. I have to admit, though, it's starting to get a little awkward being invited out. I'm not done healing, and I don't know how I'll handle being around the people that I'm normally around, and I don't know how they're going to respond to me. I'm scared. I'm scared for myself. I'm scared for everybody else. I'm scared that I'll never be healthy. That I can't be healthy, and I'll never have healthy relationships. I'll always be a freak.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 6

How do you like the new title for my blog? Felt it explained a little better what you might expect to find here. Not much that's important! LOL! I've been doing well. Have had some periods of mourning, over what could have been, you know, had I done this sooner, how much easier my family's life could have been. And also, since I had to leave for a while the things I've missed out on. I saw pictures on facebook of my brandnew baby niece when she was only a few miles away and knowing that my kids were there to see the baby. Oh, how my heart ached! I cried and cried in my house all by myself. I cried over my daughter's post on how much she misses her mommy. She ripped my "mommy" heart right out of my chest. I so wish she didn't have to do through this. I never wanted this for her or anyone else in my family. It sounds like they're all doing well, though, for the most part. Jeremiah's earned one merit badge and is working on two more this week. I sure hope I heal and am able to function better in life after this time. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I've been working my way slowly out of the house. I went to the store, cause I needed more water-proof bandages. I learned the hard way that I most definitely did not want to go in the shower band-aid free! Pelting water on the toe, no matter how softly pelting, really hurts! Don't worry it gets soaked in water morning and night, so it does get clean. It's looking sort of odd. I sure hope it's healing properly. It's sort of gross looking. Eeeeewwww! It still really hurts sometimes, like last night. I've been experiencing a lot of other physical pain, some of it, believe it or not, associated with depression! I never knew you could be in such emotional turmoil that it actually physically hurts! After all that crying and feeling like I would never get well the other day, I started to have this horrible pain in my chest, like something was sitting on it. At first I thought I might be having a heart attack! It scared me half to death, and it occurred to me that it could be from the pain in my emotional heart that was causing it. Now, I am almost positive it was, and occasionally it returns. I've also had backpain, which I think is due to the awkward and uncomfortable positions I often have to sleep and sit in, in order to keep my foot elevated. It was very painful yesterday and this morning. I had to do many different stretches to finally get it to where I could still stand myself. Oh, it hurt.

Anyway, the anxiety attack. I was actually, quite impressed with myself as I first went out yesterday, because I saw a friend who knows about all of this, and I greeted her joyfully. I was genuinely glad to see her. She insisted on a hug and I gladly obliged! After that I went into the store and really was smiling (cause I was so happy to see my very understanding friend) and not scared at all. I got some make-up and the band-aids and headed home. No big deal! Then, I saw a sheriff's car in my neighbor's driveway and I'm telling you I had heart palpatations. Talk about paranoid! It's not like I've broken the law or anything, but somehow in my mind, even though I know this, I was thinking," Yeah, they're at my neighbors, but they're looking for me. I just know it. The neighbors think I'm crazy and they sent him to question me and take me in!" I even walked dreadfully (palms sweaty, heart racing, barely able to breathe, even heavier chest than before, and my back started to hurt again) up to my house and slowly opened my door, expecting someone to be there waiting for me. No one was there. I've seen that sheriff's car in that driveway before. I'm pretty sure they're friends and he has lunch over there, sometimes. I'm just ridiculously paranoid and sure everyone thinks I'm a freak:( I was very disappointed in myself. I really need to get over this! I know God can heal this, but it's taken so LONG! I've been praying over this for over 6 years now! I NEED to be better. I need to have a testimony and feel like I can talk about God without shame, knowing that I don't really live up to it:( I'm seriously sometimes ashamed to admit I'm a Christian, because I bring such shame to the faith. I'm an awful person. Why would anyone want to come to Christ who sees me in such turmoil all the time! I'm still hanging in there, though, and trying to push through this. I know I can't avoid the pain. I have to push through it or it'll just keep coming back. I'm just worried it will anyway:(

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 3 (this could end up with dozens of parts)

I just realized that in all my rambling about my "Shack" that I never really explained to you, why, even when isolating is a personal issue of mine, I've decided isolation is exactly what I need for now! So, I will do that now. (Again, my posts are all usually first drafts. I just type and publish. No editting. So don't take everything too seriously. It may just have come out wrong. Ask me in a comment if you're not sure of something. I'll answer in my next post.)

Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!

My Own Personal "Shack"

Well, no pictures for a while. I'm back home in Moscow, Idaho, but no, I'm not available for coffee, prayer, or anything else! Sorry to disappoint but this is me time! God has got my complete and undivided attention and He better take advantage of it! Yes! I'm giving God the ultimatum! I'm dealing with a particular, uncontrollable issue (sin) in my life, that rears its ugly head from time to time, and has for all of my Christian life, and I'm SICK of it!!!!!! I originally went to Celebrate Recovery for exactly this reason almost 6 years ago! I've done Breaking Free by Beth Moore, prayed many scripture prayers over it. Even prayed my own handwritten Psalms as well as prayers from Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit, but no, it still plagues me when I least expect it. So, after having yet another irrational reaction to someone else's sin at Camp Grizzly, I have returned to Moscow and have locked myself in my house, because I just can't deal face-to-face with other homo sapiens right now! Anyway, without further ado, I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to rewrite a segment from my journal this morning for you, so you get the idea of where I'm at right now. I'm quite done hiding. I'm no longer going to hide myself and my struggles, even publicly. I know some others think this is a bad idea, but others not knowing what my triggers are has created a lot of problems. In blogland, at Camp Grizzly, even on facebook, so I'm letting it all out, mostly.

From my journal:
Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life. Whether or not it'll be good remains to be seen. At the end of this time I'll either be free or I'll be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm starting over with the "Looking Up" devotional book I ordered and I'm somehow going to have to get through it in just a little over a month. That's when my family returns from Camp Grizzly. I've never personally read the book, but from what I've heard, I'm feeling a little like the guy in "The Shack." Except I'm not in the mountains (unfortunately), though they're very nearby. I am not void of responsibility. There are way too many peopl, too close to me, in houses on either side of my trailer house. Any of you who've ever lived in or even seen a trailer park can probably picture it! There is definitely too much laundry! And I'm doing product testing right now for one of the survey groups I'm a part of online, so I can't stop doing that in the middle. After all, I did get a free product to test. It's only fair that I do what I said I would. (Oh! Why do I have to be so responsible at a time like this?!) And I have a feeling my husband and kids (who I left at Camp Grizzly) are going to poke their heads in from time to time. God's going to have to keep my landlord away. I really don't like that guy! (Talk about a distraction from my goal!) He's also going to have to keep all Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses away from me! Lord knows we have way more than our fair share of them around here, and I definitely don't want them to catch me in this raw emotional state! That would be bad! Hopefully the Kirby guy won't bother me too much! That's another huge (and rather annoying) distraction, in the middle of my living room! NEVER let those people past the front door!!!!!! Especially when you're about ready to leave for the summer and you just want to shut them up (and have them help you finish cleaning) and get them out of your house! Those people will not take no for an answer, I'm telling you! Again, distractions! More and more distractions! Most of them wanting my money that I don't have!!! Of course, I need to keep all doors and windows shut, so the neighbors don't hear me, so God's going to have to keep it cool in here, also. So, I apologize in advance to all the Idahoans who keep hoping for a real summer, if it stays extremely cold, sometimes dropping down to winter-like temperatures. Entirely my fault! But God's going to have to show up and be undeniably, unbelievably HUGE! I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty skeptical. I'm not sure He's up to the task. This one particular are of continual sin in my life (that's really hard to describe) is so deeply rooted that it seems even He can't get to it! Or He just doesn't want to!

Okay. so I added a few things, but that's basically it! If you hear I got struck by lightning, you know why!

Last Pic of Easter and My New Book

Oh, so prim and proper! Notice the hands in the lamp. She is soooo grown up (she wishes!) They are pretty fantastic, these girls and their brother! So fantastic! They gave me more flowers for Mother's Day than I had vases to put them in! Not too mention the fake one's that they made at church, and the cards....oh, and the chocolate bar my daughter got me. Also, a wonderful mexican dinner! The Vandal Nachos at San Miguel's are sooooo good! Mmmmmmmmm! My love for mexican food grows every day (along with my wasteline, but let's not talk about that)!!!

What have I been up to these days? Well, I'm so glad you asked! I'm writing another book! I know, I know. I haven't even finished the first one, but this one's been a long time coming! This is the one I'd been planning to write at some point since I was in high school! I just really didn't have any hope to offer to go along with it back then! It really came back to me that I should with my new Christian perspective several years ago when I started my recovery through CR. It was brought back to my attention recently that I really should write a book about my life, really more of a compilation of many fun and some not so fun stories from my life. Growing up and raising kids, so that I am doing. I've only made it to kindergarten so far and it's already three pages! And that's with very narrow margins!!! Maybe I'll do a copy-paste thing of a few sections on here of that sometime like I did with the original draft of my first book. Anyway, that and being sick, and being pampered for Mother's Day and having kids on a four day weekend that I had to drag around to keep entertained, has been my life recently!