The STRONGEST Strong-Willed Child

Have you ever had one of those days that you realize you've repeated a zillion times in the past with the same child and all your doing is going in circles with that child and you're so totally done you don't know what to do? Yeah! This has been one of those days. The Angela drama continues. I'm telling you this child misbehaves, complains that we punish her, whines and cries about it...LOUDLY!!!!!! and there's nothing you can do to stop her! She gives me a headache, makes me want to do things I won't talk about for fear I'll get in trouble for just thinking them!! I seriously was trying to figure out (in my head, anyway), how I was going to be able to send her to military school or boarding school or whatever those places are you hear about that parents who can't stand their children send them to! Or are just super rich and really busy and don't have time to bother! Or their kids are really smart, etc. etc. etc. ...you know the place I'm talking about. I don't even know if they actually exist. I just know I want to send this daughter whose name didn't work out so well for me to one of those places.

The current problem? Well, she's not passing some of her classes, largely because they're harder classes for her and she doesn't want to do the hard work of doing the assignments that don't come easy to her. She manipulates me into doing them for her. She won't listen to my attempts of just helping her and gets me to do it for her. So I've quit "helping" and told her she has to figure it out herself, so what did she do? Quit doing her homework, so she's failing. Then, she got mad cause we took some priviledges away. We informed her that's what happens when you don't take care of your responsibilities. Jeremiah got taken off the baseball team when his grades were bad, we take away her theatre stuff when she misbehaves, cause his thing is sports and hers is theatre. Yes, we've told her this a zillion times as well. Apparently, the rules shouldn't apply to her. Hmmmm. At this point I'm not caring. I was tired of hearing her whine and cry for HOURS so I said, "Fine, play on the Wii. I don't really care." That's it. I'm just done caring. Last weekend when I wouldn't make her the food she wanted at the time she wanted it she threatened to go to the neighbors and ask them to feed her telling them that her parents don't feed her. Some of you may recall we had an issue with this same child shouting out the window on the way home from school when she was punished, that we beat her, and then she tried to run away when I stopped at the gas station to get gas. I don't know if I brought that up on here or not, but yes, the issue of accusing us of abuse or neglect because she didn't get what she wanted has happened much in recent years. I fear much of this is my fault, since as a very depressive mother who tires easily I tend to give in way too often! Especially when she was a toddler. Not only am I a depressive, but I found myself pregnant with our third child when she was just over a year old and her brother was 3, so yes, you could say I was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D while pregnant with a toddler and a preschooler. I pretty much let them do whatever they wanted in the house as long as they were safe. When I did have the strength and energy to discipline her I swear I felt like I nearly beat her half to death, I had to spank her so many times in a row, because STRONG-WILLED is an UNDERSTATEMENT with this child! She first openly and obviously defied me when she was only 9 months old!!!! I know they say that is developmentally impossible, but trust me when I tell you I KNOW what I saw in her eyes as open defiance. She first reached for something that I said no to which she quickly pulled her hand back indicating that she clearly understood the word no (we had slapped her hand while saying no to her many times and she's not stupid. She figured out what that word meant pretty quickly!). After that she looked at me, made sure I saw her and with that defiant look on her face she reached for it again. I don't remember what "it" was, but that's not the point! I knew I had quite a battle ahead of me with this child! Her brother did the same sort of thing at the same age, but he proved not to have nearly the perseverance of this girl!!! Oh, my! You have NEVER met a child who could throw a fit longer or harder than Angela Paparazzo!!!! I would almost be impressed if I wasn't the one left with the tasking of raising her! I laugh when I hear people say things about their toddler like, "Can you believe he threw a temper tantrum for 20 minutes!" Please!!!! That was a good day! Try an hour and a half!!!! I kid you not! I had a friend who came over at naptime when she was clearly tired and needed a nap, despite the fact that she didn't want to. I finally put her in her room, shut the door and told her to stay or else and she screamed and kicked the wall for an hour and a half before she finally fell asleep!!! This easily depressed mama didn't always have enough stamina to deal with that, so, yes, she often got what she wanted! I don't know how a child is just born like that, but I swear she was!! When she was three and four years old when I got up and was preparing to fix breakfast, I would sometimes ask the kids what they would like for breakfast, and if it was reasonable (like not candy bars) and we had it, sometimes I'd make it, other times I just made whatever I decided to make, like a normal mom (or I think that's what normal moms do. I have no idea. I've never been one or known one:)). Anyway, even if it was a breakfast she had chosen herself, once it was done, she inevitably would want something else instead and I would say, "No, you are going to eat what I made you." She would say "NO!" and I would basically tell her to sit her hiney down in her chair and eat what I made her or starve! She would put her hands on her hips, look up at me very defiantly and say, "You're not my boss!" I promise you I proved I was! But this was what we went through every morning for about two years. Once, getting curious, I decided to ask her if I wasn't her boss who was, and she said very matter of factly, "I'm my own boss!" She was four at the time. Oh, boy! Yep! I had me a tough one and I am at the end of my rope!

I do have to tell you when she told me she was going to tell the neighbors we don't feed her, I first said, "Go ahead. Have fun with that." I really didn't care. I knew if she did it would never come to anything. We've been through the CPS crap before with a neighbor that doesn't really like us. Besides, I also knew that deep down, she knows how the system works. If they did actually think there was something to it, they'd take her away, and she doesn't want to be taken away. She adores her daddy and loves shopping (mostly) with me. She wouldn't know what to do without us and I wonder if she actually knows that she wouldn't get what she wanted in "the system" either? I mean she's been to other people's houses and seen other kids get punished, so I think she's old enough and smart enough to figure out that all moms and dads have rules and some sort of discipline they adhere to. Granted she hasn't been in the most stable of homes with a mom who suffers from severe depression and anxiety and used to drink way too much off and on, but she's never been abused or neglected. She's always gotten at least 3 meals a day, sometimes with snacks in-between, so she's very strong and healthy. She's just extremely strong-willed and still, at 11 years old hasn't figured out that the world doesn't revolve around her! I'm exhausted. I have a headache, and I seriously do not know what I'm going to do with this child. Hopefully, I don't get any anti-spanking commenters on here. I've been through that all before. I don't agree and it's not illegal to spank your children in this state, so BACK OFF! Oh, and I'd LOOOOOOVE to see how anyone could raise this one without spanking!!!I promise. I've tried everything I know short of abuse or neglect!!!

What An Amazing God!

I must admit sometimes it's a comment from one of you that prompts me a little. It's so hard sometimes, because I have so many things on my heart all at the same time. It's moments like these that I realize that despite everything, my past, the years I spent shoving every substance down my throat or into my lungs that I could get my hands on to numb the pain, all of it. Despite all of it and how hard I tried to self-destruct, my life is truly amazing and a miracle from God!!! Call it what you want, but I KNOW who dug me out of addiction! No one but God could have done that! By the time I came to Christ in college when I was stoned all I could think about was where my next joint was coming from. It kills me to think where I might have gone next if God hadn't grabbed my heart that fall of 1995! I do remember asking people about Crack-Cocaine at that time and inquiring as to what that was like *cringe* Clearly I was getting to a point where the lighter drugs were not doing it for me anymore. Thank You, JESUS for sending exactly the people I needed at that time to show me (not just tell me) that there's a very real God who LOVES me!!!! I'm a very tangible, hands on kind of person! Words alone don't do it for me (although obviously I love words!). I need you to prove it to me. I think most of us do. Especially after all I had been through. I had heard the words "I love you" more than I like to think about, but really they only loved my body and what I could do for them! Prove it! Prove to me that you mean what you say! It's amazing to me how many tangible ways God has shown me that He loves me. He first loved me through the father-figure, Dave, taking an interest in me, even when he knew about the drugs and the promiscuous behavior!

What an amazing God!

Then, he introduced me to Josh Paparazzo! He's used that man more in my life than you could ever know or understand! From the moment I almost called off our wedding, because I feared being in a sexual relationship again. He told me the wedding night wasn't that important. That if I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. He wouldn't push me. We'd take as long as I needed and he'd be gentle. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, even if we never consummated our marriage!

What an amazing God!

(Obviously we consummated our marriage :))

Then, through my children! I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up feeling so down on myself, and my sweet toddler at the time and morning girl (Ugh! Those people oughtta be shot! jk) would climb into bed next to me, run her fingers through my hair and say, "Mommy, you're the most beautiful Mommy in the whole world!" And she meant it! She even challenged our neighbors to disagree with her! She'd go up to them with her hands on her hips and say matter-of-factly, "My mommy's the most beautiful mommy in the whole world!" And I mean, she was dramatic about it, like she was just daring them to try and disagree with her! I was the most beautiful (the fairest in the land) and no way was she wrong! I'm pretty sure she believes it to this day! That was my middle child, Angela.

What an amazing God!

My children grew and eventually, one by one each came to know Christ and was baptized! My son, who loves God's Word, almost as much as I do (Reading and hearing God's Word was the first time I can recall being told that I was anything other than a total loser. Oh, some never said anything really bad about me, but not super good, either!) was doing a bible study on his own that he had won at a VBS and he came up to me one day and said, "Mom, I have an assignment for my bible study. I'm supposed to thank one person who influenced my life for Christ, so mom, thank you for teaching me to love Jesus." It may have been an assignment, but I knew he meant it and I nearly bawled. That was around the same time that my daughter Angela had decided she wanted to be baptized and on the day she was baptized our pastor came up to me and said, "I just wanted you to know that when Angela and I met she told me some really wonderful things she learned from her mother." This was truly too much for me. How could this messed up, alcoholic mama ever have taught her children anything of the Lord? He was amazed at her understanding and knowledge of scripture.

What an amazing God!

And then, Chloe came into my life at a time when I'd completely given up hope on ever being a good mother. I was just going through the motions, trying to get through. Had given up trying to kill myself or get healed. I was just doing what I had to do. When I found out I was pregnant I was so mad at God. We weren't planning on having a third at that time. I asked God why he was giving me this child. Wasn't it bad enough I was already screwing up two? Why did He want to give me a third to mess up? Chloe was such an easy baby and she even made caring for the other two easier. I can't really explain how she did, but she did. I remember one day about a week after she'd come home from the hospital, right after doing the assembly line, changing all 3 of them, cause they had poopy diapers at the same time (wasn't that convenient), that I was doing this mom thing and I was doing a good job. A wonderful feeling came over me that I had not felt in a long time. I had no idea, but Chloe was a gift to me. I always thought that God gave children to parents, because those children needed that parent, but this parent needed that child!

What an amazing God!

As if that weren't enough she grew to be the biggest sanguine you've ever met in your life! If you look up the word sanguine you'll see a picture of Chloe's face right next to it! She IS the definition of sanguine! She and Angela are still the biggest cheerleaders I have! (Big for short people anyway :)) She bounces around and laughs and smiles all day long. She's really hard to be depressed around! Sometimes when it gets really bad, even she can't make me smile. In fact, she irritates me, but generally, she makes me smile, and sometimes even laugh almost every day!

What an amazing God!

My son is brilliant and he loves his mama with all his heart! Even at 13 years of age he still hugs me in public! He tells his friend's he's mama's boy and he's proud of it!

What an amazing God!

My husband has stood by me for almost 15 years of some of the worst times I've ever seen and he still has eyes for not another woman. I'm telling you he doesn't even notice other women. No, I'm not kidding. We were at a restaurant once and a woman walked by that I swear looked like she'd just stepped off the cover of a magazine, and I said, "Wow! Did you see that lady? She was stunning!" I seriously wouldn't have blamed him for noticing. He's married, he's not blind! I notice good-looking guys when I see them sometimes. But he said, "What lady?" He was serious. He had no clue what I was talking about. I then knew that the man with the visions who told me that he had a vision about my husband and did I know that Josh is so incredibly faithful to me that he doesn't even notice other women. He only sees me. I seriously have the man who only has eyes for one, and that's me.

What an amazing God!

As if His dying on the cross weren't enough, He did all this for me! And I'm sure if I really thought about it I could go on and on and on! This move, our house selling right away, my car selling, us finding a great house, so quickly. I'm shaking my head right now.

What an amazing God!

Processing My History

I feel the need to write. I'm just not sure about what. I'm slowly talking outloud to God (in the bathtub since that's the only place I can get any privacy) about my history. This must be my attempt at processing my past abuse and other things that have happened. I must admit, though I know it is really God I am talking to, since obviously no one else is in the bath with me :) I must admit that I am picturing a woman. She's not a woman I've ever met. Just a random woman I've conjured in my mind, because I still feel a deep need to involve another human in these discussions. I don't know if that's healthy or totally messed up. Of course, she rarely talks, mostly I talk. She just says comforting words every now and again, and reminds me of God's Truth about me. (I hope this post doesn't just reveal that I'm crazy and need to be locked up!:(

One of the things I have noticed is that even though I am stating some very painful things from my past, some that I've never really talked much about with anyone before, really only coming to grips with these memories here in the last few weeks and acknowledging that yes, they are real, as much as I wish they weren't. But what I've noticed is that I don't seem to feel much. Regret, yes. Shame, very much so, which is why I'm not sure I could say them outloud in front of a real, live person anyway. I'm way too ashamed of who I am. But the pain seems to have disappeared. I fear my heart has become calloused and hard in the absence of the help and support that I've needed. I know that I have many online friends I could probably email or call about these things, but for whatever reason I don't. I guess I feel that I need to have a real reason to be doing this. To be rehashing these things from my past. Some things I just enjoy talking about, like my children's birth stories, but no one's really listened to me. They've been mostly embarrassed to hear about such things. I love telling about my pregnancies and the differences between them and how with each one I somehow knew I was pregnant, sometimes even before showing any symptoms. It was weird. I just knew. I know how I knew with Angela. I woke up the next morning and ran for the bathroom, which I would continue to do for the next nine months! I think I made up for not having morning sickness with my first one, ya think! Seriously, the day before she was born, I was sick. Every single day of that pregnancy I was sick. It was awful. I never wanted to be pregnant again after that! Yuck!

Anyway, I guess maybe just sharing my life with someone, since I've not had a counselor to talk to would be good enough reason to email or call my friends and tell them these things I've been processing with God, ya think?

Codependency

I'm so very tired today. I wanted to share with you about a relationship I had when my kids were little. I was extremely depressed and Josh didn't dare trust me by myself. He asked people to come stay with me, and I had one friend that was just wonderful. Really, it started out wonderful. She seemed to care so much, and I'm pretty sure she did. When, I was on bedrest with my second pregnancy, she would come over to do housework and play with Jeremiah. That was great. I needed someone to do that, but then long after Angela was born and we were all doing just fine, (with the occasional depressive episode) she continued calling me and coming over every single day. It got to a point where I had no time to spend with God, by myself! She was over there ALL THE TIME! And I didn't have even the tiniest chance to make friends with other people. In fact, I felt like I had to get rather sneaky to go anywhere with my former friends. I was completely cut off from everyone else. She also started talking bad about my husband, trying even to turn me against him. She complained about the way he disciplined our kids and everything. She was sure that it was inapropriate and was bordering on abuse. I can assure you, he NEVER abused our children! He hates people who do that sort of thing! He understands the anger and the temptation, but he cannot understand how anyone could follow through with that! Neither do I! And yes, it caused fights between Josh and I. I even tried not answering the phone and locking the door. No way, she'd call and call and call and knock and knock and knock! Oh, it was the craziest thing I'd ever experienced in my life! I had no idea there were people like this and I had no idea there was a name for it. I am not given to codependency at all. She tried to make me like that, but it didn't work. She drove me up a wall!!! If anything, I tend to isolate. I tend to be a little too independent, so you can imagine how much she just drove me CRAZY!!! When they announced they were going to have to move to Montana, we helped them move. I did agree to write and call from time to time. That also didn't start out too bad. Then, she started calling every day again, and even, again, started turning me against my husband. She even suggested that it was God's will for me to leave my husband. She said, that God tells us to leave anyone who is not godly. Okay, for one thing, I don't know what bible she's reading, because my bible says we should even stay married to an unbeliever if he's willing! The only out He gives us at all is in the case of marital unfaithfulness, and praise the Lord, that's never happened in our marriage! Not once! And for another, if that's the case, any one of us can be deemed ungodly at any moment of our lives. We all screw up, that's why they say we still have a sin nature. That's why we know we still have a sin nature. We eventually decided to switch our cell phone companies, cause the customer service at the one we were currently using sucked! And when we did, we changed our numbers, and somehow "forgot" to give her our new numbers. I haven't talked to her in years and sometimes people ask me about her, and I joyfully tell them, I have no idea how she's doing. What I don't tell them is I honestly don't care! Am I horrible?!!!