I feel the need to write. I'm just not sure about what. I'm slowly talking outloud to God (in the bathtub since that's the only place I can get any privacy) about my history. This must be my attempt at processing my past abuse and other things that have happened. I must admit, though I know it is really God I am talking to, since obviously no one else is in the bath with me :) I must admit that I am picturing a woman. She's not a woman I've ever met. Just a random woman I've conjured in my mind, because I still feel a deep need to involve another human in these discussions. I don't know if that's healthy or totally messed up. Of course, she rarely talks, mostly I talk. She just says comforting words every now and again, and reminds me of God's Truth about me. (I hope this post doesn't just reveal that I'm crazy and need to be locked up!:(
One of the things I have noticed is that even though I am stating some very painful things from my past, some that I've never really talked much about with anyone before, really only coming to grips with these memories here in the last few weeks and acknowledging that yes, they are real, as much as I wish they weren't. But what I've noticed is that I don't seem to feel much. Regret, yes. Shame, very much so, which is why I'm not sure I could say them outloud in front of a real, live person anyway. I'm way too ashamed of who I am. But the pain seems to have disappeared. I fear my heart has become calloused and hard in the absence of the help and support that I've needed. I know that I have many online friends I could probably email or call about these things, but for whatever reason I don't. I guess I feel that I need to have a real reason to be doing this. To be rehashing these things from my past. Some things I just enjoy talking about, like my children's birth stories, but no one's really listened to me. They've been mostly embarrassed to hear about such things. I love telling about my pregnancies and the differences between them and how with each one I somehow knew I was pregnant, sometimes even before showing any symptoms. It was weird. I just knew. I know how I knew with Angela. I woke up the next morning and ran for the bathroom, which I would continue to do for the next nine months! I think I made up for not having morning sickness with my first one, ya think! Seriously, the day before she was born, I was sick. Every single day of that pregnancy I was sick. It was awful. I never wanted to be pregnant again after that! Yuck!
Anyway, I guess maybe just sharing my life with someone, since I've not had a counselor to talk to would be good enough reason to email or call my friends and tell them these things I've been processing with God, ya think?
Happy Birthday, Dear Shellie! Since childhood, and even through years and years of being out of touch, I have always remembered your birthday, and have fun memories of birthday parties. One particular one when we ate red pepper flakes at the Pizza Parlor and then had to lick napkins. :)
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note...
I find that when everyone else is unavailable and no one wants to listen, I am angry and searching for someone to talk to, to process with, it is because God is trying to tell me to look to Him and only him.
He is patiently waiting, like a parent watching a tantrum of sorts, and says I am here for you.
I don't know the pain that you are going through Shellie, but I do pray for your peace and healing. You must forgive yourself and know that guilt and shame are not from the Lord. Your pain and abuse is not
your fault, please accept that to be true.
This one minute tidbit from Patsy Clairmont made me think of you this morning: http://www.womenoffaith.com/blog/2012/02/your-story/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=facebook
Every piece of your life shaped you, I would love it if you had a trusted counselor who could help you process some of your past in a way that would help heal you. I will pray, that today, on your birthday, you find some moments of joy and of self love.
Blessings sweet friend!
Thank you and that tidbit about the pepper flakes at the Pizza Parlor totally cracked me up! I recently wrote about that in a book I'm writing. I didn't remember the napkins, though. I just remember trying to drink everyone's sodas!!! I do believe that ShanRae dared me! And that was a very memorable birthday, because I got a crimp iron and my hair was WILD! And my mom cut her finger making my cake and had to have stitches and so my dad had to pick everyone up in his pickup!!! How in the world did we ever get everyone in there!!! Cause my mom had to go to the hospital! And remember Johnny!?! And then going to my house and dancing to Tiffany! What was that song that she had that was so popular that year? I couldn't think of it! I can tell I'm going to have to give you credit for my book if I ever publish it!!!
ReplyDeleteYep, I remember all of that! Tiffany's song was "I think we're alone now". We had a whole routine. AND that night was my first kiss. Sure it was just a peck, and Johnny kissed us all good night or something. Years later, he was my frist real kiss because Mandy told him I'd never french kissed anyone so he kissed me and I was so embarrassed I almost died. Like I'm blushing right now just typing it. ;)
ReplyDeleteShanRae totally dared you! :) Fun memories! Hope today was a great day for you Shellie!