I was just listening to a lesson online by Beth Moore on her "Inheritance" series and she talks about the prodigal son. She talks about how when someone is truly repentant it's marked by humility. You know, I'm not sure if I've been truly repentant about some things in my life. Sure I've walked away from those sins, but like she suggests, sometimes I fantasize about them in my mind. Particularly where drinking is concerned. I enjoy some of those memories of drinking. Of course, I don't enjoy some of the things that happened while I was drunk. I don't enjoy the memories of the men I gave myself to while I was drunk. Some of them, I never even knew their names! That seriously makes me nauseous! I'm not kidding! There is nothing more awful to me than the thought that I gave a piece of my soul to a stranger! If you don't think that doesn't happen when you sleep with someone, think again! We hear so much these days about how it was "just sex." No such thing! Take it from me, okay! Don't go out there and find out for yourself! There. is. NO! such. thing. as. just. sex! Why do you think that rape is such a horrible thing! They stole a piece of the person's soul that they raped! The STOLE it! They had absolutely no right! You can get that back if seek God for it. I know this for a fact, too. I've received back a lot of lost dignity, from God (Praise You, Jesus!) but it was painful, I promise you that!
Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on that. I know I was repentant of the particular sin that I was involved in when I left Camp Grizzly. That's why I had to leave. I was so SICK over it, I couldn't even stand myself, let alone anyone else! I'm so sick of this issue ruling me, I can hardly stand it! If it raises its ugly head again, I don't know what I'll do, but man, it won't be good! I'm sure it won't. I'm absolutely determined, more than ever, not to let it!!!
But, the drinking thing. Man, I don't know if I'll ever get to where that doesn't appeal to me on so many levels. It's just when I'm so miserable, it just seems like being drunk was so much better. I know it wasn't, that's why I don't do it, but I still dream about it. Oh, man, I hate admitting that to you. Anyone else fantasizing about sin they know they should hate? Or am I completely alone in this?
I don't know if I can shed a little light on this or not. Alcohol is physically addicting for one thing. Another is alcohol, along with alot of other things, behaviors and habits can temporarily cover up our deep needs and feelings. We do feel better when we engage in those things...for a very short while. Those feelings and needs come back to haunt us though. God wants us to recognize them and bring them to Him. He doesn't want us to cover them up, to avoid them. For me its food. I know when I start thinking about snacking alot, craving to eat more...that is a signal that something isn't right and I need to seek Jesus instead of the ice cream in the freezer. I often resist bringing more than one package of snacks into my house knowing I can use it to shut out God. Yes, I use food to bring me temporary comfort. Because both of us know that facing the pain of the past isn't very comfortable we still think about what will bring us some kind of comfort, however twisted that is. But we both have seen that it doesn't work and have found the amazing love of Jesus and are willing to do the hard work of putting it in our hearts and applying it to our lives and healing.
ReplyDeleteLove and blessings to you in your walk with Jesus!