Apparently, I've changed this summer. You wouldn't know it from the reactions from my church, but maybe I have. I don't know. I don't really feel much different, which sucks, cause I've always felt like crap :( I'd really like that not to be the case anymore. I do trust and believe God on a whole new level than ever before. I have seen Him faithfully minister to me this summer, which only encourages me to keep going and keep seeking Him and keep looking for opportunities to serve Him, even in small ways, and to keep looking for the help that I need in healing from my past abuse. I know He will be faithful, in His time. I may not understand why He does things the way He does, but I can trust that He is on my side.
It was hard before, to even want to keep going, cause everyone around me was questioning whether or not I was truly repentant, and whether or not I was hearing God at all. From their reactions it felt like I'd never changed. Not ever, in my entire Christian walk, which, while they may have thought it motivating, after dedicating and rededicating myself to Christ for 16 years, it was actually rather discouraging. Why bother? If my life is no different than before, if I'm no different than before, what good is my seeking Him doing? It's not helping me, and it's most certainly not helping anyone else come to know Him! Don't try to motivate someone by discouraging them. Don't be skeptical of what they say God is doing or telling them. It's not helpful. Unless, you can absolutely see that what they are saying is unbiblical, don't do that! It's not motivating! It's discouraging! I am going to avoid skeptical people for a very long time, cause I REALLY don't need that! That's exactly the kind of "motivation" that my abusive mother used on me, calling me stupid when I'd mess up, or lazy, thinking that it would make me want to prove her wrong. Most people don't operate like that, and it's very hurtful. Especially to a young child. I would like to spend time around people who really do have true faith in God. And not only faith in what He can do in church leaders lives, but everyday, ordinary people, or even damaged people like myself!