Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I want you to know I still have a ton of respect for what the church does do. The only people I really have a problem with are the people that think that you can only get help in the church and that people who are non church members and in some cases not even Christians, have nothing to offer. God speaks to me, sometimes, even through non-Christians. My sponsor is a Christian and I find most in my outside recovery groups are, but not all, and that's okay. Not my job to tell anyone else what to believe. Personally, I am just in a place right now where I am not comfortable around non-alcoholics. I find that it isn't true that I have much in common with them. I definitely think differently. I've proven it by the way I am able, even as what they call a high bottom drunk, to shock non-alcoholics with my stories and even my just general thinking, which only made me feel more isolated and alone. They told me in my church groups, if I shared honestly I would find that I wasn't all that different from other people and what I found was exactly the opposite. I found myself more isolated and alone, the more I shared and so found it safer not to share. If I can't have real relationships there, I don't see any point in going, so I don't. That is all. If I thought they could understand me at all I would go, but they can't and I don't diss them for that. The one's that really bug me are the ones that think they know all about alcoholism and have never studied the disease of alcoholism and treat it the same as any other addiction, which by the way, everyone has. Everyone has an unhealthy coping mechanism of some type unless they are perfect, which I only know One who holds that title and I have not received nail holes and I haven't met anyone else who has them either, besides Jesus. I have come to firmly believe that I did not choose this disease. It chose me. I was born with it and alcohol had a very different affect on me than it does others. From the very first drink. Other people drink and do not become alcoholics because they don't feel the way I felt when they drink. Even my husband admitted the one time he got drunk that he didn't see what I got out of it. He didn't feel any different. It did nothing for him. It isn't even that I just felt numb. I felt awesome! I felt like I could do anything and do it way better drunk than I ever could sober. All the insecurity that I feel goes away when I drink. I know lots of other people who suffer from insecurity and other emotional issues that alcohol just did not have that affect on. I loved it. It just didn't love me. I may have felt amazing on the inside, but my behavior was horrible, and I never want to wake up again the next morning having no idea why everyone's mad at me, cause I have no idea what I did the night before! I didn't always blackout, but when I did, it was awful! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Monday, May 27, 2013
Hi there! No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth! Far from it! I now have close to 6 months sober and have done it all without the help of the church! (Gasp! How dare I suggest they don't have all the answers!!!!) In fact, I have recently quit going to church at all. My meetings are my church! Unbiblical you say? Really? Let's look at the record. Without even looking I know the verse you're going to quote. It's the one that says to not quit meeting together as some are in the habit of doing. I'm not. In fact, I meet with other believers every single day, not just a couple of times a week. We go there for fellowship, which I get in my meetings. We go there to serve God, which I also do in my recovery groups. I chair meetings, occasionally help with coffee and many other little things like turning off lights and locking doors. Also, I reach out to newcomers and listen to others who just need someone to talk to. I take time out of my day to go places with friends in recovery who just want to be with a friend. That sounds like service to God to me. And that's in addition to continuing to raise a family. Phew! No wonder, I find so little time to blog...and facebook and tweet, etc., etc. I often find myself in conversations with people outside of meetings about the bible. One even mentioned to me the other day that he thought of me as he was reading John chapter 4, cause I had mentioned it's one of my favorite stories in the bible. Go ahead and look it up! I dare you! It's the woman at the well for those who are familiar. Who else, but Jesus, could tell a sinner everything she ever did and leave her completely unashamed?! I've never met one. If you have, let me know, cause only Jesus has ever done that for me. The cops sure didn't. The school didn't when I'd get in trouble and neither did the church. Only Jesus Himself could point out the truth to me and leave me unashamed. Sometimes someone else had to point out my faults to me before I could see them, but I always felt that overwhelming shame when it was brought to my attention. Only when I then brought it to Jesus, could I lose the shame I felt. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you either need to read it again or for the first time! And if you've never experienced the way Jesus can bring your failures to the light and still leave you feeling completely unashamed just ask Him to show Himself to you and hang onto your seat, cause if you're sincere, He WILL show up! I guarantee it! And yes, I do have people in my life who point out my faults. I do have accountability. And really, that's a choice each and every individual has to make for themselves, in or out of church. If you don't want to allow people to get close enough to you to really know you well enough to know when you're off track, you're not going to! Only person who can make that decision for you is YOU! I have what we call, in 12 step programs, a sponsor, which is sort of like a mentor, only her main job is to lead me through the 12 steps, which if you don't know those, you can look them up online, too, I'm sure. They are the greatest way I have ever found to learn to trust God and clean house! That's the process I am in right now and it's not easy. I have completed my 4th step, but have yet to complete my 5th. I have not been real good at staying in touch with my sponsor the last couple of weeks, I must confess. There are a couple of reasons for that. I have gotten a little distracted from my program, but not my fellowship and service work, thankfully. Those reasons are a little too personal to share with you right now, but my closest friends in my recovery groups know where I am and what's going on. I just wanted to check in with all of you and let you know a little of where I'm at. I'm going to quote another friend, because I just can't think of better words, "Thanks for tolerating me while I grow up."