Tuesday, May 28, 2013

That's My Story And I'm Sticking To It!

I want you to know I still have a ton of respect for what the church does do. The only people I really have a problem with are the people that think that you can only get help in the church and that people who are non church members and in some cases not even Christians, have nothing to offer. God speaks to me, sometimes, even through non-Christians. My sponsor is a Christian and I find most in my outside recovery groups are, but not all, and that's okay. Not my job to tell anyone else what to believe.  Personally, I am just in a place right now where I am not comfortable around non-alcoholics. I find that it isn't true that I have much in common with them. I definitely think differently. I've proven it by the way I am able, even as what they call a high bottom drunk, to shock non-alcoholics with my stories and even my just general thinking, which only made me feel more isolated and alone. They told me in my church groups, if I shared honestly I would find that I wasn't all that different from other people and what I found was exactly the opposite. I found myself more isolated and alone, the more I shared and so found it safer not to share. If I can't have real relationships there, I don't see any point in going, so I don't. That is all. If I thought they could understand me at all I would go, but they can't and I don't diss them for that. The one's that really bug me are the ones that think  they know all about alcoholism and have never studied the disease of alcoholism and treat it the same as any other addiction, which by the way, everyone has. Everyone has an unhealthy coping mechanism of some type unless they are perfect, which I only know One who holds that title and I have not received nail holes and I haven't met anyone else who has them either, besides Jesus. I have come to firmly believe that I did not choose this disease. It chose me. I was born with it and alcohol had a very different affect on me than it does others. From the very first drink. Other people drink and do not become alcoholics because they don't feel the way I felt when they drink. Even my husband admitted the one time he got drunk that he didn't see what I got out of it. He didn't feel any different. It did nothing for him. It isn't even  that I just felt numb. I felt awesome! I felt like I could do anything and do it way better drunk than I ever could sober. All the insecurity that I feel goes away when I drink. I know lots of other people who suffer from insecurity and other emotional issues that alcohol just did not have that affect on. I loved it. It just didn't love me. I may have felt amazing on the inside, but my behavior was horrible, and I never want to wake up again the next morning having no idea why everyone's mad at me, cause I have no idea what I did the night before! I didn't always blackout, but when I did, it was awful! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

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