Sunday, July 31, 2011

My "Shack" Has Been Invaded

I would say that it's been invaded by aliens, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate. It's been invaded by the short, goofy people that I gave birth, too, which really, aliens....short, goofy people I gave birth, too....kind of the same thing really:) And, of course, my husband...the love of my life! Well, really, JESUS is the absolute, complete and total love of my life, but Josh is pretty amazing. He came home a very different man than the one that I left at Camp Grizzly...or maybe he's not and I'm just a different woman than the one that left him. I sure hope so! Or best case scenario: it could be both. He may have grown out there with the kids, while I grew here by myself. I sure hope I grew in this last month. It was a total waste if I didn't! I don't think it was wasted though! Have I ever learned something about the INTENSITY of spiritual warfare when you are seriously being attacked by the Enemy over strongholds you've had for years!!!! I let Satan keep a stronghold in my life that I had before I came to know Christ, for all of these years, and I didn't really even fully realize it, or how much he wanted to hurt me with it, until this last week! I really didn't think I'd make it....and without the friends that God has provided in the Body of Christ, I'm positive I wouldn't have, because I would not have recognized it as a battle with the Enemy. It's hard to hang on when the shouting of the Enemy is so loud, you can't discern the Voice of God, for the life of you, without someone urging you back to the truth that you know we have in Him! I'm learning to cry out to JESUS on a whole new level than I ever knew before. I'm a little concerned with my kids here now, that I won't be able to cry like I need to over the pain and fears from my childhood. I am praying that when it is appropriate that God will help me to grieve in the way I need to. I know that He will use this in my kids lives, also, because He's just that Good :) Oh, man, is He ever, and my husband and I are enjoying sweet fellowship with each other, in the way that He designed that to happen. I know we will continue to have our struggles and our hardships, but I am choosing the Rock, for the rest of my life! From now on, when the winds blow and the earth quakes, I will remain steadfast and true to my God! Now, is that easier said than done? OH, Yeah! And, I'm sure, I will stumble from time to time, but I will get back up and keep going, keep fighting.

As far as the counseling situation goes, I have a few options, and I will be praying and seeking to see what the Lord would provide for me in that area. I've been receiving advice from some godly friends and mentors and considering my options and we will talk about that later. But for now, "rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!" Not going to look up that scripture reference right now, but trust me, it's in there :)

Saturday, July 30, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 21

Wow! Was that really only two days ago!? It feels like forever ago, probably because I've continued to be under intense spiritual warfare, mixed with, what I feel, are personal attacks on me, but I'm sure the people who've done this are well meaning people who just do not understand the sort of, formal, and yet not formal, odd relationship that I have developped with Living Proof Ministries over the years. It's been a hard couple of days. I ended up, in great pain, and feeling deeply misunderstood, and feeling like I'd been alone too long, and needing some support, I facebooked my friend, and counselor in training, Shari. I was very happy to see her, yet, I don't know, maybe she was having a hard day at work, but she didn't seem as warm and tender as usual. She was all business. Which for about a half hour before she came I was battling the fear of having to share some very painful things with her that were hard for me, because I care too much, what she thinks of me(which we talked about) and I was shaking and praying while folding clothes (cause since I was jittery I needed something to do.) If she'd been slightly later, I had so much adrenaline running through my body, I might have had the entire house cleaned within an hour!!!! Even the bathtubs scrubbed! It was kind of interesting! Fear can cause a few good things to happen I guess. But I was waiting and couldn't get into any bible reading or anything, because then I'd be upset when I got interrupted. I NEVER get upset when you interrupt housework!!! Please DO :) I was feeling a lot of pain from my childhood and was going to share some of that with her. I started quoting my current memory verse for SSMT (check Beth Moore's blog if you're curious as to what that is). I was very nervous and wanted to share this with her right away, but as I was taking a breath, trying to get up the nerve, she asked me a question, that was a little less painful for me, but related, so I jumped on it. She wanted to know what happened at Camp Grizzly, so we went into that which eventually did lead into the painful memory, that really now that I think about it, only cropped up, two days ago, so yes, the pain is very fresh. I remembered it before, but I don't think I fully understood it, and God showed me how it had effected me in how I respond to people now, so I knew I needed to deal with the healing process of that loss of relationship with my parents when I was a child, and being afraid of them, because they hurt me most of the time, and did not give me the emotional comfort and love and acceptance that I needed. However, she asked me if I had forgiven my parents, and I said, yes, I'm pretty sure I have. And then, she asked if I had grieved that loss. And I don't think I really had thought of it as grieving what I was doing, and I was nervous, because I had not anticipated this question, and I think I said yes initially because I really would rather she not talk to me about that. Cause again, painful, fear, all of that....but I hadn't grieved that. That's what I'm doing now. I felt like I needed to get over my fear of letting others see my pain in person, up close and personal, and I was trying to overcome that by inviting her in, but because I basically dodged the question, and even lied to her about it, sort of, unconsciously, but I did. Thank you, God. I need to repent of that. So, she moved on to me needing to go an apologize for my wrong to the person at Camp Grizzly, who I ran away from, basically, instead of dealing with, and that was a pride issue partially, because I also didn't want her to see my pain over this issue. I didn't want to cry in front of her, because she used some words that my parents often used against me, and she wasn't necessarily attacking me, personally, but I took it that way (yet another problem I need to deal with, but one at a time...patience, Shellie) and as you can imagine with the pain that I was already dealing with inside myself, that was overwhelming. I knew she was right, but because I really hadn't grieved that memory, I wasn't ready for it. She did not know this so she was rather harsh to my very injured soul, which had I have grieved I needed, but again, that was my fault. I felt sort of shut down at that point and was too scared to confront or even speak to the pain that I was feeling any more. I started to feel tears coming on, but that's when she would interject to tell me what I needed to hear, or she thought based on the misinformation, but all in all, yes, I attacked her in an email at first. I hope she can forgive me that wrong. But then, I sent a second email after visiting with a friend, not about the email, but about what I was struggling with and then I could think more clearly and was able to email her back and tell her in a much more proper way how I felt about the situation. Anyway, it's been another hard day. I've spent a lot of time in the Psalms crying out to the Lord, using words David wrote, which, while he didn't have exactly the same issues as I do, many of those feelings are the same, so while reading them, they began to become my own cries, crying out to Him. And I love doing that with scripture, cause I can guarantee that's within His will and it has truths with the emotions, so that it doesn't just become about the pain, but really learning God's truth at the same time. I think the Psalms are going to be a refuge for me at this time in my life, as I cry out to God using many of David's words, and a few of my own as I add to it, as I kind of put my own emotions and thoughts in there, but covered by God's truth, in a sort of bible study, prayer mix! I love that, because it becomes so personal, and He is a personal God, who loves me, exactly the way I am, and accepts me, and I can just say what I'm thinking and feeling right now, as He's my only companion and ever present help in trouble.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 20

Well, today was nearly disastrous. I almost quit on all of you. Thanks to God connecting me with a wonderful friend via twitter (the friend I believe I've mentioned before) she was able to redirect my mind back to God. At least sort of, enough for me to be functional again at least and not just laying in my bed crying quite loudly and trying to pray but unable to get the words out through my sobbing. (Screaming?) I don't know it was pretty loud and obnoxious. Not sure I've ever made a sound quite like that before. It even scared me. This was pain coming from so deep inside myself that I'm not even 100% percent sure what it was at all. It started by discovering I'd been blocked by some people and then of course, being angry with myself for being so annoying, which then led to me thinking, I've never been a safe person to interact with and never will be. So, despair, hopelessness, all that really wonderful stuff that characterizes my life, mostly. It is a rare occasion that I truly have great faith in God, and that shouldn't be. Of course, personally, I think hearing things like, "real Christians don't experience depression," and "you just need to trust God" and "if you had repented of all of your sins you wouldn't be feeling this way," or similar unhelpful nonsense from nearly every one in my life who could have helped or at least tried to help me find help, probably has not increased my ability to cope. I'm just saying...

Are you sensing me feeling a bit sarcastic tonight? I feel like everyone is trying to treat the symptoms and not the source. Of course, I'm not even 100% certain of the source, myself. Very well-meaning people, who, I know are genuinely trying to help, but don't really understand the kinds of things I've been through or what it is to live with this issue. I don't believe it is completely medical. At least not in my case. I can't speak for anyone else. I believe that there are deeply rooted feelings of continual rejection left over from my childhood that cause me to desperately cling to people who have loved me on any level. I am trying to be more careful about how much I share online and who I share with, so they're not overwhelmed, but it's hard, cause I do want connection with certain people even if they don't respond back to me. I'm forcing myself to not @mention people on twitter, unless it's a matter that has to do with them directly. Or, if I'm responding to something they said, obviously. Anyway, people tell me things like I should finish one task each day, so I have a sense of accomplishment, or make a list of things I'm thankful for, or listening to music, which are all really great things, and they might help temporarily, but the problem comes when eventually the lights go out and I have to lay down and at least attempt to sleep and I still have to deal with my wounded child heart. I really do believe it's still desperately wounded, because I can see where certain things that are said to me, or done to me, are similar to the way that my parents treated me. That's when I react and become heartbroken, because I'm already heartbroken, still from the emotional neglect and abuse of my childhood. I'm beginning to wonder if I always will be. I'm seriously looking into the possibility of a Christian Mental Health facility. Getting me there would be challenging since all of them are several days drive away, at least the one's I've found so far. I really do often feel abandoned by God so often, in this very isolated from many Christian facilities, part of the country that I live in(grammar? Oh, boy! I hope you can make sense of that. I don't have time to edit.) We don't have Christian based facilities like that here, is my point. In fact, we don't have professional Christian Counselors, which is why I have suffered alone for so long in the first place!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 19

Well, it's not quite as late as when I got on here last night. I was feeling some pain that I didn't understand today. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, and then I remembered praying that I would be more sensitive to others needs. I've prayed this several times in my life, but I'm wondering if maybe the healing I've been doing has allowed me to do that. If my heart is just sensitive enough to feel others pain. You see, a friend of mine...well, we're not real close, but I consider her a friend, lost a close family member, in a tragic accident yesterday. I know she is really hurting right now, and I wonder if I was feeling a little bit of that. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I've lost friends and family members, but never someone young that I was very close to. I don't have a really close family, so I can't say if I lost one of them that I'd be in as deep of pain as she is right now. But I can imagine how I might feel, and yet at the same time, I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, I was close to Dave, but he wasn't as young as this person, and he'd been sick for a long time, so it wasn't a total shock, like this is. I do hope that it is me sympathizing with her, because otherwise I have no idea where this pain was coming from. I hadn't been thinking about past abuse or anything like that.

I did have to apologize to God for spending most of my day playing around on facebook and twitter instead of spending time with Him. I didn't get into the word until after dinner!!!! That is very unlike me! That did make a difference and I definitely feel bad, but I confessed my sin and I fully believe that He has forgiven me, and I asked Him to help me do better tomorrow! I have complete confidence that I have regained my focus and tomorrow will be all about Him again! So, tomorrow's a new day!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 18

Wow, it's late, but I thought I'd check in with ya'll. I'm still here. There have been a lot of ups and downs and that's pretty much the story of my life, and I'm beginning to think I always will be on the verge of a breakdown in some way, shape, or form. Don't know when I will no longer suffer from severe depression and feeling like I'm not really worth anything. Not feeling that way this second, but that's cause I'm too tired. Good night!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 17

It's been a challenging day, with a lot of tears, but I'm learning that tears are okay. That it's okay to grieve. That it's even healthy. The reason that it hurts so much to lose people, shows that we let ourselves be vulnerable. That the relationship mattered. If it didn't hurt, then the relationship meant nothing and that's not good. I risked loving, and that's why the loss hurts so deeply. And God heals, and He is enough. I don't have to have that other person in my life to be able to continue living for God. God is my everything and He will bring the people into my life that I need to keep me balanced. I know that He has a plan for my life, and I'm glad I've had people in my life, like Dave, who have been Jesus to me. Have been that Christ-like influence and have shown me who Jesus is, little by little. I'm still learning and growing and always will be.

We are called to be in relationship with people, as well as God, and sometimes that hard to balance, and figure out where the boundaries are. We need each other, and at the same time, we can't rely on each other. We have to rely completely on God. That can be confusing sometimes. Be honest. Do you ever get confused about whether or not someone has become an idol in your life? I do. Sometimes I wonder if Beth Moore is an idol in my life, and maybe at times she has been. I have to constantly keep myself in check, and back off if I feel I'm getting to involved with someone else other than God. There have been times that my husband has been my idol. Oh, boy! That can get ugly! I've realized it when I've been mad, and asked myself why I was mad, and ultimately, it was because he didn't fix me. He didn't make me feel all happy again. He didn't cure my depression! He can't do that! He's a man! He's a really wonderful man, that loves me.....but he's just a man! He's weak (yes, I just said that my husband is weak, because compared to God, he is!) and he doesn't know everything. Only God can be my everything! My husband can't, my pastor can't, my counselor can't, my very best friend's can't, my favorite teacher, Beth Moore, can't. Only God! And yet, we need those other people? Does that ever confuse anybody else, or is it just me? I need bible teachers. I need my counselor. I need my friends. I need my husband, and I need my pastors. That is really hard to balance and make sure that it is truly God that is my all in all, and not those other people.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 16

Well, last night, after posting about my "daddy" I went to bed and bawled over how much I miss him! My life was pretty crazy at the time that I lost him to cancer, I believe it was Thanksgiving Day 2006, so I really didn't get any time alone to really mourn his passing. I was extremely heartbroken over the whole thing and even more so, because I hadn't seen him in years. You see, after we were married, my husband and I were a little overwhelmed by married life, I think, and I in particular had gotten worse in my depression (not because my husband didn't treat me right, I assure you!) and we didn't really stay in contact with the people we knew in Coeur d'Alene. We decided it was time to move on, so we didn't really contact them for a very long time. This was before the days of facebook and twitter and blogs and even before we had our own PC at home to email people. In fact, I don't know about Josh, but it was the first time I had really embraced the whole internet thing and started using my email account at school. (Wow, things have changed in a relatively short amount of time!) In fact, I'm not sure that embrace is really the right word. I more like surrendered, because sooo many people were telling me, "email me," or "did you get my email?" so I surrendered and started checking it to see these much needed emails people were sending me on this email account they gave me when I registered at UofI, that I had no intention of using. (I know this is amusing to many of you who know how much I love technology now!)

Anyway, I'm way off track, darn ADD brain. We didn't talk to our friends in Coeur d'Alene for many years. Than we were there to enjoy some fireworks at one point, because my dad had moved there and we thought Coeur d'Alene might be fun for the Fourth of July! (Don't do it if you have young children. The fights and profanity in the parking lot are so not worth it!) It was fun, other than the parking lot scene....which was very entertaining at first, as well....until the kids got old enough to repeat the wonderful words that they heard! But at this time we bumped into a few people that we knew from when we were dating and engaged to be married. (That is usually why you get engaged! Did you ever wonder why people have to add "to be married" to that statement?) We found out that people had been asking about us, and me in particular, wondering how we were doing, so we reconnected with some of them, particularly our former pastor and his wife, another man that Josh knew from even before Coeur d'Alene, and Dave (or as you know him, "daddy.") I didn't actually get to see him that day, but I did talk to him on the phone. Actually, the last time I saw him in person, was on my wedding day. (How sad is that?) If I remember correctly he basically threatened my new husband within an inch of his life if he didn't treat me properly. Yes, I think he most definitely treated me like a daughter, or at least how I would imagine, a real dad, who really does love his daughter as he should, would treat his daughter. I wouldn't really know much about that. I'm glad I got to experience if for at least a short period of time through Dave. After that, we again, got very busy with our life in Moscow, and didn't contact anyone for a long time. When we did, we found out that Dave and his family had moved to Texas and that Dave was very sick with cancer, and that he was getting very weak and did not believe that he would make it. I remember starting to open my mouth to ask for contact information for him, and couldn't for the lump in my throat! I could not, at that time, let myself cry in front of anyone! I don't think even I realized fully, up to that point, how important that relationship was to me. I could not believe that he would die. I told myself that God was going to heal him and that he would come back to Idaho and then, we would talk. That's not what happened. He did die, and because of my fear, I didn't even know it until about a month after his passing. All I could think was that I never told him how much I loved him. I was still mostly afraid to cry in front of anyone, but after having spent a year in Celebrate Recovery, I thought maybe I could face his illness and asked someone in an email about him....but it was too late. He was gone and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. No amount of tears, no amount of screaming at God would bring him back. He was gone, and I lost my chance. I remember actually thinking at the time, that it was probably a good thing he didn't know how I was. He would be so disappointed. But after thinking about what I told you all about him last night, I know he wouldn't be disappointed. Well, he might be a little, but mostly he would just love me, and want to do anything he could to help, just like he always did. I never gave myself permission to grieve his passing. I didn't dare let anyone see that I was hurting, so I feel like for the first time, as crazy as that might be almost 5 years after his passing, I am finally grieving this gigantic loss in my life. I miss him terribly!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 15

Well, today, I finished reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. It got me to thinking about what it was that finally attracted me to Christ. I knew many people who professed to be Christians growing up, so why did it take me 20 years to receive Christ?

Good question. I'm so glad you asked :) I think I've figured it out. For many, many years I've only felt judged by other Christians. They told me that my promiscuous lifestyle was wrong, that my drinking was bad, my smoking was bad, and the drugs I used, downright evil. Now, I agree, all of those are true, but I do not believe that focusing on the unbeliever's sin is helpful. Of course, they sin. They can't help it. They do not have the power to stop sinning, and someone who just always tells you how bad you are, is not attractive. It doesn't make people want to know you. Now, obviously, I understand that a person has to realize they're a sinner to receive Christ, but deep down, I think they already know that. I remember the feeling that I was rebelling the first time I smoked a cigarette. It was invigorating, because I knew my parents would hate it. I remember having a sense that I'd done something I shouldn't have when I slept with my boyfriend for the first time. Now, how would I know that? I'm having a really hard time finding the verse in my bible right now, but I believe there is a verse in there that says that all people have God's law written on their hearts. We all have a sense of right and wrong. It's why we have laws against killing people! We know, somewhere, deep in our hearts, that it's wrong, to harm another human being. Now, when I did those things, I wouldn't have told you that I knew it was wrong. I wanted to believe that it was right, that I was right, but at a deeper level, I knew it was wrong. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now, but I know what I'm talking about :)

My point is, I'm not sure, that as Christians, it is our job to confront an unbeliever's sin. I think that's God's job and God's job alone. It just comes across as being judgmental when we do it. I think our job is to love the person, as Jesus loves them, just as they are. I realized that when I came to Christ, I had an older gentleman that sort of felt like a father figure to me, in my life. He was a Christian, of course, and he knew about the sin that I was involved in. He knew about the drugs and the sex, all of it. Or at least most of it. Enough, that if he was like most Christians I had met before going to college, he wouldn't have even given me the time of day. As it is, he didn't even mention the drugs or any of that too me, directly. I only knew that he knew, because I knew that a friend of mine, who was concerned about me, was talking to him about her concerns, and asking him to pray for me. Never once did he bring it up in my presence. In fact, when he first started conversing with me, I didn't my friend had been telling him about me, and I remember thinking, while talking to this incredibly godly man, in full-time ministry, "Do you know who I am? Because if you knew who I was you wouldn't be talking to me? At least not while actually looking me in the eye and clearly being very interested in me." It was shocking to me to find out that he knew exactly who I was, and he still loved me. He still cared about me. He wanted to know how my classes were going that semester, what my interests were. He really listened to me. He cared about me. I honestly don't remember exactly what we talked about in our conversations. It didn't matter. I was just fascinated by the fact that he cared! About someone as insignificant as me! As deeply steeped in sin as I was! Who was this man and who was his God? I wanted to know! For the first time in my life, I really wanted to know who this Jesus really was, cause clearly, this man's Jesus, was very different from the Jesus I thought I knew about! The Jesus I knew growing up, was this mean guy in the sky, waiting for me to screw up, so He could pound on me! This man showed me a different Jesus. This man showed me a Jesus that loved me exactly the way I was and cared about me. He didn't enjoy punishing me. He only wanted to help me, because He loved me. I'd never seen that Jesus before. I wanted that Jesus. I realize now that everything I was doing at that time was me desperately seeking to be loved! I just wanted to be loved! It's what everyone wants! They want to be loved for who they are, not who others want them to be, but truly who they are. In all the drugs, and alcohol, and sex, I was doing what the song says, "looking for love in all the wrong places." This man knew the one who loved me the way I wanted to be loved.

Now, as many of you know, while I did receive Christ as my Lord and Savior during that time, securing my salvation, it has taken me a long time to really begin to grasp that He really does love me like that. He really does care about me. Everything about my life. Not just whether or not, I go to heaven or hell. He cares about my life right now. He cares about my marriage, He cares about my friendships, He cares about my life, here and now. I'm sure I'll spend a lifetime grappling with this. How this completely sinless God could ever love me, of all people, like that. But He does! Wow! What an amazing God! If you've been in places where Christians have been judgmental and you don't know Jesus, let me assure you, that isn't Him. I've been guilty of this, myself. He doesn't care who you are, or where you've been. He loves you anyway, exactly the way you are! That is amazing!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 14

I was just listening to a lesson online by Beth Moore on her "Inheritance" series and she talks about the prodigal son. She talks about how when someone is truly repentant it's marked by humility. You know, I'm not sure if I've been truly repentant about some things in my life. Sure I've walked away from those sins, but like she suggests, sometimes I fantasize about them in my mind. Particularly where drinking is concerned. I enjoy some of those memories of drinking. Of course, I don't enjoy some of the things that happened while I was drunk. I don't enjoy the memories of the men I gave myself to while I was drunk. Some of them, I never even knew their names! That seriously makes me nauseous! I'm not kidding! There is nothing more awful to me than the thought that I gave a piece of my soul to a stranger! If you don't think that doesn't happen when you sleep with someone, think again! We hear so much these days about how it was "just sex." No such thing! Take it from me, okay! Don't go out there and find out for yourself! There. is. NO! such. thing. as. just. sex! Why do you think that rape is such a horrible thing! They stole a piece of the person's soul that they raped! The STOLE it! They had absolutely no right! You can get that back if seek God for it. I know this for a fact, too. I've received back a lot of lost dignity, from God (Praise You, Jesus!) but it was painful, I promise you that!

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on that. I know I was repentant of the particular sin that I was involved in when I left Camp Grizzly. That's why I had to leave. I was so SICK over it, I couldn't even stand myself, let alone anyone else! I'm so sick of this issue ruling me, I can hardly stand it! If it raises its ugly head again, I don't know what I'll do, but man, it won't be good! I'm sure it won't. I'm absolutely determined, more than ever, not to let it!!!

But, the drinking thing. Man, I don't know if I'll ever get to where that doesn't appeal to me on so many levels. It's just when I'm so miserable, it just seems like being drunk was so much better. I know it wasn't, that's why I don't do it, but I still dream about it. Oh, man, I hate admitting that to you. Anyone else fantasizing about sin they know they should hate? Or am I completely alone in this?

Monday, July 18, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 13

Well, sorry, I've been away for a while. Focusing on other things. I did decide to go to a friend's house one day last week for a prayer meeting. It was a little awkward at first and I had a hard time explaining why I'm not at Camp Grizzly to people who don't read my blog. I used my toe as an excuse, since I really can't go back to camp until my toe is healed, which seems to be taking a really long time. I don't know. Maybe I just don't know enough about these things to know how quickly it should heal. I don't know how long to expect for my heart to heal either and I'm pretty impatient with myself. I feel like I have determined so many times to change, to react better, to not assume the world is out to get me, and I fail every time! I'm getting rather irritated with myself, but one of the things I've noticed, with an online friends help, is how much Satan has cultivated messages of death into my life. Sometimes I just use the terms jokingly like, when I say things like, "'Give me makeup or give me death" to a friend online who isn't allowed to wear makeup, but needless to say, I say it all the time. I say things like, "I would just die" if such and such a thing happened to me. Do you see it? Death. It's everywhere in my speech. She challenged me to, even for just one week, to at least avoid saying it on twitter, and when I'm tempted to, or catch myself, about to use those types of terms, to tweet my memory verse, or just simply "Jesus loves me" or something to that effect instead. Honestly, I haven't really been tempted toward that at all so far, but one time I did get on there and realized I didn't have anything really to say, so I simply thought, hmm, what is my favorite thing right now, cause a friend had tweeted about something she enjoyed in life, so I just simply said. "God is my favorite." It felt good. He is my favorite. I haven't always been able to honestly say that, but right now, He's my very best friend, really, my only consistent friend, since I've sort of shut almost everyone out, mostly, for now. They can communicate online, but that's because that is mostly controlled by me, not the other person. I can turn off my computer at any time and they don't even have to know I did! So I don't feel rude and I keep the necessary, albeit, temporary, boundaries, secure.

Monday, July 11, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 12

Well, it rained here after a fairly hot day. I love rain, however, I am really hoping that the rumbling I'm hearing outside is not rumbling at Camp Grizzly as well, or that, if it is, my man is at the cabin with the girls, because I know how terrified they are of thunder! Of course, I just smiled to myself as I pictured in my head what the scene would look like if he's not there. I can see each girl on either side of Jeremiah squealing in fear and hanging on to him for dear life! And, of course, him just standing there straight as a pin, eyes as wide as saucers, with the look on his face, like "Oh, brother!" Yes, oh, brother is right! You are their brother and they love you dearly and need your protection as much as they do their daddy's. Well, maybe not quite as much, which is a good thing, because I can tell you that at almost 13 years of age, protecting his sisters isn't exactly at the top of his priority list, much to my dismay! But, I do know that when it comes right down to it, he will defend them. I know this, because I've seen him do it. Unfortunately, I've also seen him not defend them, because it was one of his friends teasing his sisters and then, it doesn't matter, apparently. Only if it's someone he doesn't like either. Personally, I think they shouldn't be friends with anyone who's mean to one of their siblings, but that's just me. I'm sure that either Josh or Jeremiah is making them feel safe right now.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 11

I've been home for a while, and while I have not communicated with people outside my home much, I have been emailing, tweeting, facebooking, and, of course, blogging. I've gotten all sorts of questions I generally don't know how to answer. I've had people tell me that what I'm doing is unhealthy and unbiblical. I'm not sure there's anything unbiblical or unhealthy about it, unless I made it permanent. Obviously we're supposed to interact with people, but we're also supposed to get alone with God, and I think some of us need much more intensive and lengthy time with Him. Because of where we have been without Him! I lived without Christ for 20 years, and you don't even want to know the kind of sin I was involved in during that time! Trust me, you do not want to know the details! You would not like me...and I probably wouldn't like you, because I would be extremely uncomfortable with you knowing that much detail. Maybe not, but probably. It depends on who you are and what your profession is and that sort of thing. Some would even say that counseling is not biblical. I heard someone, not too long ago, go so far as to say, on a social networking site, that counseling has destroyed the church! Yes, there are people who believe this. I know of a couple of churches that thinks Psychology has nothing to offer the church! I understand where there thinking is. I agree that secular counseling falls short, but they're throwing out the baby with the bathwater. We do need to feel these things and to work through them. If we don't we'll never really be healed! And besides, I'd like those people who think we don't need to talk through these things, sometimes for a long time, to read the Psalms! I think David would disagree! And, of course, since it did end up in the bible, obviously, God disagrees, too! EVERYthing outside of the bible is not a lie! I'll give you an example: I have been sexually abused. Does God's Words say Shellie's been abused. NO! But it's still true. Electricity is a reality, and all of those studies and schematics are a reality, even though they're not in the bible. There is a lot of truth in our world, not addressed in the bible. God let us figure a few things out on our own. He did not tell us the earth was round! We had to figure that out on our own. The reality of my abuse is not the complete truth, but it is the truth. I have to apply scripture to it, but my point is, Psychology does have something to offer us. There are studies that teach us a lot about the human condition that God did not explicitly tell us in scripture.

My point is, just because we don't see it happening in scripture, doesn't make it unbiblical, entirely. We have to be discerning. I mean, if I was deciding to never leave my house again, that would be unhealthy...and unbiblical, but I'm not doing that. I have to admit, though, it's starting to get a little awkward being invited out. I'm not done healing, and I don't know how I'll handle being around the people that I'm normally around, and I don't know how they're going to respond to me. I'm scared. I'm scared for myself. I'm scared for everybody else. I'm scared that I'll never be healthy. That I can't be healthy, and I'll never have healthy relationships. I'll always be a freak.


I'm so very tired today. I wanted to share with you about a relationship I had when my kids were little. I was extremely depressed and Josh didn't dare trust me by myself. He asked people to come stay with me, and I had one friend that was just wonderful. Really, it started out wonderful. She seemed to care so much, and I'm pretty sure she did. When, I was on bedrest with my second pregnancy, she would come over to do housework and play with Jeremiah. That was great. I needed someone to do that, but then long after Angela was born and we were all doing just fine, (with the occasional depressive episode) she continued calling me and coming over every single day. It got to a point where I had no time to spend with God, by myself! She was over there ALL THE TIME! And I didn't have even the tiniest chance to make friends with other people. In fact, I felt like I had to get rather sneaky to go anywhere with my former friends. I was completely cut off from everyone else. She also started talking bad about my husband, trying even to turn me against him. She complained about the way he disciplined our kids and everything. She was sure that it was inapropriate and was bordering on abuse. I can assure you, he NEVER abused our children! He hates people who do that sort of thing! He understands the anger and the temptation, but he cannot understand how anyone could follow through with that! Neither do I! And yes, it caused fights between Josh and I. I even tried not answering the phone and locking the door. No way, she'd call and call and call and knock and knock and knock! Oh, it was the craziest thing I'd ever experienced in my life! I had no idea there were people like this and I had no idea there was a name for it. I am not given to codependency at all. She tried to make me like that, but it didn't work. She drove me up a wall!!! If anything, I tend to isolate. I tend to be a little too independent, so you can imagine how much she just drove me CRAZY!!! When they announced they were going to have to move to Montana, we helped them move. I did agree to write and call from time to time. That also didn't start out too bad. Then, she started calling every day again, and even, again, started turning me against my husband. She even suggested that it was God's will for me to leave my husband. She said, that God tells us to leave anyone who is not godly. Okay, for one thing, I don't know what bible she's reading, because my bible says we should even stay married to an unbeliever if he's willing! The only out He gives us at all is in the case of marital unfaithfulness, and praise the Lord, that's never happened in our marriage! Not once! And for another, if that's the case, any one of us can be deemed ungodly at any moment of our lives. We all screw up, that's why they say we still have a sin nature. That's why we know we still have a sin nature. We eventually decided to switch our cell phone companies, cause the customer service at the one we were currently using sucked! And when we did, we changed our numbers, and somehow "forgot" to give her our new numbers. I haven't talked to her in years and sometimes people ask me about her, and I joyfully tell them, I have no idea how she's doing. What I don't tell them is I honestly don't care! Am I horrible?!!!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 10

Okay, it's late, and I need to get some sleep, but I wanted to check in with you. I know I had a pretty positive attitude yesterday, but I have to admit today, I took quite a beating. I almost quit, but I didn't. I couldn't. I have quit too many times and it ain't pretty. I don't think Satan won, but if you could see me with your spiritual eyes, I'm pretty sure I'm black and blue and bleeding :( But, tomorrow, I get a rematch, and I hope he starts to look a little like I do today.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 9

Well, I've really whipped through a lot of pages of Beth Moore's devotional journal today. I'm telling you that woman reaches down inside of me and grabs my heart with the questions she asks. She really has a way of getting to the heart of the issue and helping me to see where I don't really believe God. I say I do, but do I really? Do you, really? Are we so good at giving Sunday School answers that we never realize that our hearts haven't caught up? That we don't really believe what we're saying? Right now, I am telling God what I know, but I don't believe and begging Him to help me to believe! Only He can do that. I can learn the information until the day I die, but until it makes it's way into my heart, it won't make a difference in my life. I NEED a difference in my life. I NEED to change, and I can't change myself, I've tried. He has to change me, and I'm choosing to believe that He will.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 8

My heart is pretty raw this morning. I've been afraid of other's misunderstanding of me. People who will not understand why I have to be alone right now. Why I can only trust my heart to Jesus, alone, right now. I can trust a little bit of it to you, because you are not so close to me that you can hurt me. I can turn this computer off and what you think no longer matters, cause most of you I don't have to live with. I don't have to go to church with you. I don't have to see you at the grocery store. And really, you're very unlikely to talk to me about something you read on my blog, even if you are a part of my "normal" life. And really, most of the time, it isn't that I don't trust people to know my story. It's that I don't trust them to react in a compassionate way at the moment they hear it. I'm afraid of your flesh and blood in my presence, and what you would do if I said something you'd never heard. What would you do or say, if I started sobbing right in front of you, like I often do in prayer and behind this computer screen and during my devotional time? Will you think I'm ridiculous and I need to just buck up and get over it? Cause, I've been told that by well-meaning Christians. They don't get it. I'm afraid of being misunderstood and getting the wrong counsel, that will only further hurt me, which is what I've experienced from many.

Friday, July 8, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 7

I made a "friend" online who has been helping me to work through this stuff. Giving me advice when I get stuck, expressing concern over things she sees me doing that she fears may be unhealthy. Just, very generally, supporting me in this time. I told her, unintentionally (guess it must have been on my heart, cause it sure came out in an email) about a particular situation when I was in high school. Not sure I should share it on here, because it is quite obviously very unhealed and I might share too much, but it involves sexual abuse, and my mother's reaction to me telling her that I had been sexually abused. The young man who tried to rape me was a family friend that I had dated for some time (actually, I may have mentioned this in a post before) and after we broke up, the next summer my mom invited him to come live with us, further proving that she really did not believe that he had hurt me in such an awful way. As you can imagine, this was not an easy time of my life in the summer before college having him living in the same house. My mom still does not believe me, and while I have forgiven the young man for abusing me, I have had a much more difficult time forgiving my mother. I have been told that forgiveness is not a process, but something we just do in obedience, but I can't help but notice in the backgrounds that these people share, they have not usually experienced abuse, so I just don't think they get it that it's a little more complicated. It takes a little more time working through the anger and the pain to forgive an abuser, which in a sense my mom was just as much an abuser as he was, since she put me in this position to continue to be controlled by him on a daily basis, in my very home, where I should have been safe, but I wasn't. Of course, many of you know that my mom abused me in many other ways, as well, and neglected me, emotionally, if that makes any sense. I will have to save that for another post. This, for me, though, has been the greatest insult. I tried to tell her I needed help and she completely rejected me and shamed me. (As if I didn't have enough of that in my life already.) She denied me any hope of getting the help that I desperately needed and put me in a position to continue to be hurt, over and over again.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 6

How do you like the new title for my blog? Felt it explained a little better what you might expect to find here. Not much that's important! LOL! I've been doing well. Have had some periods of mourning, over what could have been, you know, had I done this sooner, how much easier my family's life could have been. And also, since I had to leave for a while the things I've missed out on. I saw pictures on facebook of my brandnew baby niece when she was only a few miles away and knowing that my kids were there to see the baby. Oh, how my heart ached! I cried and cried in my house all by myself. I cried over my daughter's post on how much she misses her mommy. She ripped my "mommy" heart right out of my chest. I so wish she didn't have to do through this. I never wanted this for her or anyone else in my family. It sounds like they're all doing well, though, for the most part. Jeremiah's earned one merit badge and is working on two more this week. I sure hope I heal and am able to function better in life after this time. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I've been working my way slowly out of the house. I went to the store, cause I needed more water-proof bandages. I learned the hard way that I most definitely did not want to go in the shower band-aid free! Pelting water on the toe, no matter how softly pelting, really hurts! Don't worry it gets soaked in water morning and night, so it does get clean. It's looking sort of odd. I sure hope it's healing properly. It's sort of gross looking. Eeeeewwww! It still really hurts sometimes, like last night. I've been experiencing a lot of other physical pain, some of it, believe it or not, associated with depression! I never knew you could be in such emotional turmoil that it actually physically hurts! After all that crying and feeling like I would never get well the other day, I started to have this horrible pain in my chest, like something was sitting on it. At first I thought I might be having a heart attack! It scared me half to death, and it occurred to me that it could be from the pain in my emotional heart that was causing it. Now, I am almost positive it was, and occasionally it returns. I've also had backpain, which I think is due to the awkward and uncomfortable positions I often have to sleep and sit in, in order to keep my foot elevated. It was very painful yesterday and this morning. I had to do many different stretches to finally get it to where I could still stand myself. Oh, it hurt.

Anyway, the anxiety attack. I was actually, quite impressed with myself as I first went out yesterday, because I saw a friend who knows about all of this, and I greeted her joyfully. I was genuinely glad to see her. She insisted on a hug and I gladly obliged! After that I went into the store and really was smiling (cause I was so happy to see my very understanding friend) and not scared at all. I got some make-up and the band-aids and headed home. No big deal! Then, I saw a sheriff's car in my neighbor's driveway and I'm telling you I had heart palpatations. Talk about paranoid! It's not like I've broken the law or anything, but somehow in my mind, even though I know this, I was thinking," Yeah, they're at my neighbors, but they're looking for me. I just know it. The neighbors think I'm crazy and they sent him to question me and take me in!" I even walked dreadfully (palms sweaty, heart racing, barely able to breathe, even heavier chest than before, and my back started to hurt again) up to my house and slowly opened my door, expecting someone to be there waiting for me. No one was there. I've seen that sheriff's car in that driveway before. I'm pretty sure they're friends and he has lunch over there, sometimes. I'm just ridiculously paranoid and sure everyone thinks I'm a freak:( I was very disappointed in myself. I really need to get over this! I know God can heal this, but it's taken so LONG! I've been praying over this for over 6 years now! I NEED to be better. I need to have a testimony and feel like I can talk about God without shame, knowing that I don't really live up to it:( I'm seriously sometimes ashamed to admit I'm a Christian, because I bring such shame to the faith. I'm an awful person. Why would anyone want to come to Christ who sees me in such turmoil all the time! I'm still hanging in there, though, and trying to push through this. I know I can't avoid the pain. I have to push through it or it'll just keep coming back. I'm just worried it will anyway:(

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 5

Well, I don't really know what to say, really, except I had to go to the doctor again for my toe and they had to remove some flesh and part of my toenail. I had what they called "proud flesh" which really preaches, doesn't it?! I was thinking, "Well, duh, I have proud flesh, doesn't everybody?! I can promise you they didn't remove all of my proud flesh just the part that had grown over my nail! Apparently, how this happens is when you have an ingrown toenail for a long time, which I have, as the nail is growing into the skin (which is what an ingrown toenail is) the skin kind of says, "Oh, no, you don't!" and pushes back against the nail and actually grows more skin over the top of the toenail. This is how she explained it to me. And, so she said that the skin and the nail are basically fighting for the same territory and nobody's winning! That's why they call it "proud flesh." It wants to stand up and be noticed! And it doesn't want to give up it's territory! So this part of my flesh apparently couldn't be healed by God and had to be removed instead, along with the part of the toenail it had grown over! So, literally the fleshes "pride" cost another as well! I'm telling u this preaches so much! I am definitely going to have to use this someday when teaching from the bible about pride! Wow! We hurt ourselves with pride and others. It can cause both to be taken out!!!! Just like my nail and my flesh! It didn't like being cut out either, let me tell you!! I was in extreme pain late yesterday afternoon and evening and really most of the nite, after the Lidocaine wore off! It was a burning, searing, throbbing, pain! It was awful. It stings a little even now! I need to remove the bandage here right away, to soak it! Considering my doctor told me that it probably wouldn't really hurt until it was exposed to the air, I'm really not looking forward to taking it off!!! And I'm not looking forward to seeing what it looked like. They had a hard time getting it to quit bleeding. I guess normally they don't bleed much, but this one really did! Maybe that's why it hurt so much. I don't know. I took some ibuprofen a little while ago. I'm going to take some more and get ready to soak this toe! Ugh!

Anyway, I think God has been doing a mighty work in my life, although being around people yesterday did make me nervous. I am afraid of criticism. I'm just so tense around people. I'm realizing that about myself more and more! I need some deep healing to trust people again and not assume that they're out to get me. I heard some college boys laughing in the store and assumed that they were laughing at me. They might have been, but not necessarily. I just need to start accepting myself as being okay, so I can believe that people might like me.

Monday, July 4, 2011

A Short (Very Short) Break To Share My Sweet Chloe

Yes, I'm taking a mini-break from the intensity of my healing journey, which I think is actually getting somewhere by the way! I am absolutely falling in LOVE with my Jesus all over again! But for no other reason, other than I just adore her, I thought I'd share my baby girl with you this morning! She loves trains. I mean, what child doesn't? They're just cool, and she very much enjoyed this train in Potlatch, Idaho. Look, at that gorgeous child!...I gave birth to that child!...Wow! My mind is blown! I mean, me and my husband, as impure of lives as we've lived produced this...amazing...beautiful....pure child of God!!! And, yes, she does know Jesus! All of my children do, praise You, Lord! She just enjoys the simplest things so much! I love seeing the world through her eyes! It is just beautiful and AMAZING! I mean like everything! Math problems are the coolest thing in the world to her! Whatever she happens to be doing is the greatest thing she could be doing in that moment! Oh, to live life like that! I love it!

Look at that! She's just thrilled to pieces to be climbing up on that wagon wheel! Such joy! I know I need this time, but I miss her and her brother and sister so much! I just hope they know how much I still love them!

Little charmer! Oh, man, when she gets to be a teenager....whoa! We're not going to be able to keep those boys away! Scares me half to death! But I know she loves her Jesus, and He's watching out for her, even when I can't.
She's gorgeous and she knows it!!! And I ain't gonna tell her any different! Cause I happen to agree with her!
Well, that was fun! And I think that at this point, a little fun can't hurt! Just as long as it doesn't distract me from my goal! I'm going to keep at it! If I left the house, I'm afraid that would be too much distraction, although, I'm going to have to tomorrow, to see the doctor, so she can remove my ingrown toenail. I named it Wilson, but I don't think I'll be calling his name as he goes away! This relationship isn't working for me. I forgive him, but this relationship just can't be reconciled. He's got to go!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 4

If you've been wondering if it's occurred to me that there might be some risk involved in this commitment of mine, it has. I've realized several things.

1. I could get so comfortable here that I become an agoraphobic.

Yes, it could happen, but I seriously doubt it. I'm such an extreme extrovert that to me the fact that I haven't driven myself crazy yet is proof of God's approval of this plan! I usually get pretty lonely by the second day of no direct human contact. I'm not lonely! I'm loving every minute I have with my Jesus. In fact, a really cool thing happened the other day. I was getting ready to soak my toe and thinking about how God had not told me anything real clearly just yet, and I had this thought-prayer, "God, I think maybe you're holding off, because you're just really enjoying having me all to Yourself." After I thought that it occurred to me that this was the first time EVER in my entire life, that I had seriously thought that God might actually enjoy me! ME! Shellie Paparazzo, former drug addict, alcoholic, barely knows what a boundary is let alone does she ever keep one, fit-throwing, all too often fakey, oversensitive, used to sleep around a lot (half the guys I've slept with I didn't even know their names) ME! God might actually enjoy that person! Really?! Yes, really! Crazy as it may sound I believe it! I'm truly beginning to believe it to the core of my being! I KNOW that I know that He loves me and has completely forgiven me, at least most of the time, I think. It's funny how some of the smaller, more recent things are harder for me to let go of then the really "big" sins of my past. I guess mostly because right now they're so close to my heart and mind. I also have realized that I am struggling with guilt over things that are probably not even things I should be feeling guilty about. I guess that's what they call false guilt. I feel guilty whenever I spend my husband's hard earned money. Even when it's for things I need, just because it's for me! I've even felt guilty for buying groceries, as if I don't even deserve to eat! I've felt guilty for getting an ingrown toenail and needing to go to the doctor. I've felt guilty for buying summer clothes and for buying things for the kids to do this summer. I even felt guilty for buying the devotional book that is helping me so much right now! I feel guilty for not working outside the home. I feel guilty for sending my kids to public school, even though I know that for us it was the best choice. It was the best choice because I can't handle having the kids home all the time! How awful is that!!! I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. I feel guilty for needing counseling. I feel guilty for having to take antidepressants and allergy medicine. You get the idea. I feel guilty for anything and everything that might take away from what someone else might have been able to have.

2. My neighbors could decide I'm so crazy that they never allow their children anywhere near me or my home again! Can you imagine how awful that would be for my poor kids?!

3. I could get sick or hurt and not be able to call for help and no one would have a clue for days! Pretty slim chance, but it could happen. Please don't bug me constantly just because it might happen!

All in all, I think the possible benefits are worth the risk! I'm having a great time with Jesus!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 3 (this could end up with dozens of parts)

I just realized that in all my rambling about my "Shack" that I never really explained to you, why, even when isolating is a personal issue of mine, I've decided isolation is exactly what I need for now! So, I will do that now. (Again, my posts are all usually first drafts. I just type and publish. No editting. So don't take everything too seriously. It may just have come out wrong. Ask me in a comment if you're not sure of something. I'll answer in my next post.)

Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!