I was just listening to a lesson online by Beth Moore on her "Inheritance" series and she talks about the prodigal son. She talks about how when someone is truly repentant it's marked by humility. You know, I'm not sure if I've been truly repentant about some things in my life. Sure I've walked away from those sins, but like she suggests, sometimes I fantasize about them in my mind. Particularly where drinking is concerned. I enjoy some of those memories of drinking. Of course, I don't enjoy some of the things that happened while I was drunk. I don't enjoy the memories of the men I gave myself to while I was drunk. Some of them, I never even knew their names! That seriously makes me nauseous! I'm not kidding! There is nothing more awful to me than the thought that I gave a piece of my soul to a stranger! If you don't think that doesn't happen when you sleep with someone, think again! We hear so much these days about how it was "just sex." No such thing! Take it from me, okay! Don't go out there and find out for yourself! There. is. NO! such. thing. as. just. sex! Why do you think that rape is such a horrible thing! They stole a piece of the person's soul that they raped! The STOLE it! They had absolutely no right! You can get that back if seek God for it. I know this for a fact, too. I've received back a lot of lost dignity, from God (Praise You, Jesus!) but it was painful, I promise you that!
Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on that. I know I was repentant of the particular sin that I was involved in when I left Camp Grizzly. That's why I had to leave. I was so SICK over it, I couldn't even stand myself, let alone anyone else! I'm so sick of this issue ruling me, I can hardly stand it! If it raises its ugly head again, I don't know what I'll do, but man, it won't be good! I'm sure it won't. I'm absolutely determined, more than ever, not to let it!!!
But, the drinking thing. Man, I don't know if I'll ever get to where that doesn't appeal to me on so many levels. It's just when I'm so miserable, it just seems like being drunk was so much better. I know it wasn't, that's why I don't do it, but I still dream about it. Oh, man, I hate admitting that to you. Anyone else fantasizing about sin they know they should hate? Or am I completely alone in this?