Monday, March 28, 2011

More Pics of Boy Scout Stuff

Silly boy! We don't want to see you! Just your accomplishments! Okay, okay! I admit it! I want to see you! You're pretty cute, but could you move out of the way so we can see your accomplishments, you big show-off! Thank you! I do not for the life of me remember what that merit badge was for! Sorry! The five ribbons, which he got all five possible. These were special awards only offered for the year 2010, the Boy Scout Centennial year. They are for outdoors, Achievement, Character, Service, and Leadership. I wish I could remember what the merit badge was for. I have no idea what he had to do to earn these. If I had, I might have actually known he was going to get them.
This is his troop. I'm not sure I got a single picture where they were all looking at the camera.
Okay, in this one I think they were intentionally being silly, but seriously this is generally what happens when you try to take their pictures!

Friday, March 25, 2011

An Update On My Treatment For Depression

Here's another picture from the Boy Scout Court of Honor. Now, I know you all are wondering how things are going since my major emotional crash, which is really the best way I can describe it right now. I know it is quite inadequate, but the best I can do with my limited understanding right now. I'm doing quite well, considering where I was. I'm seeing a really wonderful lady who's offered to counsel me in my home once a week. She's still in training as a counselor, but I can already tell definitely has the gift and a deep desire to see people experience healing in Christ. She's been a great help in redirecting my mind and I really appreciate that, and she listens, which is definitely an element I was missing with Pastor Kim. She allows me to work through things, with the understanding that I need to work through some of the hurt and anger before I can get to a place where I can completely and fully forgive. Some things are so painful that just forgiving right away is not that simple. I'd like to, but I need time to process things. Sometimes I need time to process things to even realize that I need to forgive someone that maybe I didn't even realize fully that I hadn't forgiven them for. I have people in my life that have done so many things to hurt me, that I'll think I've forgiven them and I may have for some or most of the things they have done to hurt me, but then there might just be that one thing that I've been avoiding even talking about or was so buried underneath the other stuff that it didn't pop up until I'd dealt with the stuff that was more prominent in my mind at the time. So I didn't even realize it was there. I don't even know if that makes sense, but that's kind of where I'm at right now. Sorting through what issues need to still be processed some I guess.

Also, I saw my doctor this week, where my hubby and I got a mini-lecture on not calling her earlier. We already had the appointment for this week and never called her when I became suicidal. We figured we'd discuss it when we came in. She said she would have appreciated a phone call sooner. She says she understands that a lot of phone calls were made to a lot of people and that for future reference she needs to be part of that loop. She's absolutely right. She does need to be and next time we'll make sure she's contacted. Anyway, she doubled my antidepressants. I've been taking the double dose now for a few days. It's making me a bit drowsy. Of course, I don't think that's the only reason I'm drowsy. The kids had two evening activities at school this week, the last one being earlier this evening. Also, tomorrow morning (or I should say this morning!) my son has baseball tryouts. My husband is out of town, so I'm going to have to take my son myself. I'm not even sure what time his tryout is scheduled for, so I'm going to have to just take him at 8 tomorrow morning and try and find out. Ugh! Which means, I really need to go to bed!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Second Miracle (After Receiving Christ)

I seriously married him?! Really?! I mean, he's seriously gorgeous, sweet, and treats me like a queen! Treats my girls like princesses! I never had any relationships with men who had any respect whatsoever for women before him! And he's smart! And (in case you hadn't noticed) he's a Boy Scout! Wow!!!! Thanks God!!!!!!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Another Picture Of Jeremiah

This is another picture of Jeremiah at his ceremony. I'm going to be leaving town for most of this week, so I don't know how much blogging I will be doing. Most of it will probably be like this. Just a few pictures. Hopefully, I'll have all kinds of fun stories and pictures to share with you when I return.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Jeremiah's Court Of Honor

These are some pictures from Jeremiah's Boy Scout Court of Honor this week. He's the short, skinny one with the glasses.
Here you can see his head on the other side of the dark curly haired kid. He didn't stay on the stage long enough for me to take a good picture of him, getting his award. Although, I just noticed that if you look real close you can see his name on the list of kids who got that merit badge on the overhead there.

And of course, these are all of the officers in his group. He's the historian.
And he's not the shortest one in this picture. Thank you, Wil, for being shorter than my son!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

My Little Leprechaun

Angela's the girl in the glasses with the short hair. She was the best little Leprechaun in the world. I still call her my little Leprechaun when she comes home from school. We are about to go on Spring Break and we are going to have some much needed fun!

Monday, March 7, 2011

My Overwhelming Desire To Die and What I'm Going To Do About It!

It has been a really crazy week. Last Friday I came to a place where I was feeling so hopeless about the whole "counseling" situation, that I was having really overwhelming thoughts of suicide that were so intense I had to sit on my bed, hug my knees to my chest and shake praying for the feeling to pass, so that I wouldn't run into the kitchen, grab a knife and slit my wrists. I really had decided that there was no hope and that I was going to kill myself on Monday (today) morning. I had it all planned and everything. But it was so hard to wait. I really wanted to do it right then. I did not want to wait! So in a last ditch effort to find someone out there who might help I let people know on facebook, twitter and a couple of people through emails that I would no longer be with them. Some with a longer message than others. I know that many have said that it would be better to have called someone and talked to them personally, but I have tried that in the past and not really gotten anywhere. Once it gets to Josh it is usually stopped in it's tracks. Most of the people in my life do not feel that professional counseling is worth the cost and therefore find all sorts of other alternatives that have been dead ends, since they can't even seem to get to the root of the problem. It would help to be able to get to the root of the problem, which is probably buried so deep that no one but a professional could get to it, no matter how hard they tried. After all, I remember hurting deeply emotionally even as a young child and was suicidal by the time I was in 8th grade. And many other painful trials were yet to come as I entered high school. I had a very unsupportive family and was never loved the way every child needs to be loved in order to be healthy. I know I have grown a lot in the last few years, but there is still so much pain there that I know needs to be dealt with. My husband met with a pastor this morning to discuss our options as far as getting me help. He recommended a Christian Counseling group in Coeur d'Alene called Genesis something. I guess they charge on a sliding scale based on your income and have many counselors doing various types of counseling, all Christians. It is quite a drive, but my husband and I have come to a place where we're both willing to do whatever it takes to get me well. After all, we wouldn't hesitate if I had cancer or something to get me to the best doctors who would give me the best treatment and this is just as deadly!

I'm also meeting with my pastor tomorrow morning to settle our differences in person instead of on facebook, which was not a good thing. I am hoping that even though I have sinned grievously, he will offer me a little grace on this one. Please pray for this.

Tomorrow afternoon, I will most likely be meeting a newfound friend from my church for coffee. As I understand it, this woman, who I know, but have never really spent a whole lot of time with before, has also struggled with depression in the past. And there's just something about shared misery isn't there? And who knows, maybe we can both encourage each other a little in the process! And who couldn't use a little Christian Crack (coffee)?!?! Then, on Thursday another woman from Celebrate Recovery and who is also being trained to be a counselor, is going to be meeting with me and helping me work through my junk and find some healing in Christ. I know it's available and it's what God wants for me. I just have to find the right combination of counseling, medication, support and whatever else I need, but I won't give up! I know Christ wants to set me free! Now maybe we might be able to start convincing my heart of this fact!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

My Little Piece Of SIN

I'm told that my desire to write (in not so many words) is sinful, so that is why I call this little 500 dollar piece of equipment my little piece of sin. I need this to continue with my writing and my old laptop is pretty much shot. I ruined it with my lack of computer knowledge by trying to take McAfee off of it without the proper software. I'm trying to avoid doing the same with this one, since, wouldn't you know it, this one came with a free month's trial of McAfee already on it. We no longer like this particular antivirus software anyway, and are waiting for some kind computer geeks to help us get rid of it and get a good, free antivirus put on there instead before I start using this shiny little piece of sin to continue writing my book. I'm apparently supposed to have no desires except to serve my family.
Anyway, this arrived on my doorstep last week and I hope to be able to use it to continue sinning, soon.