Monday, March 7, 2011

My Overwhelming Desire To Die and What I'm Going To Do About It!

It has been a really crazy week. Last Friday I came to a place where I was feeling so hopeless about the whole "counseling" situation, that I was having really overwhelming thoughts of suicide that were so intense I had to sit on my bed, hug my knees to my chest and shake praying for the feeling to pass, so that I wouldn't run into the kitchen, grab a knife and slit my wrists. I really had decided that there was no hope and that I was going to kill myself on Monday (today) morning. I had it all planned and everything. But it was so hard to wait. I really wanted to do it right then. I did not want to wait! So in a last ditch effort to find someone out there who might help I let people know on facebook, twitter and a couple of people through emails that I would no longer be with them. Some with a longer message than others. I know that many have said that it would be better to have called someone and talked to them personally, but I have tried that in the past and not really gotten anywhere. Once it gets to Josh it is usually stopped in it's tracks. Most of the people in my life do not feel that professional counseling is worth the cost and therefore find all sorts of other alternatives that have been dead ends, since they can't even seem to get to the root of the problem. It would help to be able to get to the root of the problem, which is probably buried so deep that no one but a professional could get to it, no matter how hard they tried. After all, I remember hurting deeply emotionally even as a young child and was suicidal by the time I was in 8th grade. And many other painful trials were yet to come as I entered high school. I had a very unsupportive family and was never loved the way every child needs to be loved in order to be healthy. I know I have grown a lot in the last few years, but there is still so much pain there that I know needs to be dealt with. My husband met with a pastor this morning to discuss our options as far as getting me help. He recommended a Christian Counseling group in Coeur d'Alene called Genesis something. I guess they charge on a sliding scale based on your income and have many counselors doing various types of counseling, all Christians. It is quite a drive, but my husband and I have come to a place where we're both willing to do whatever it takes to get me well. After all, we wouldn't hesitate if I had cancer or something to get me to the best doctors who would give me the best treatment and this is just as deadly!

I'm also meeting with my pastor tomorrow morning to settle our differences in person instead of on facebook, which was not a good thing. I am hoping that even though I have sinned grievously, he will offer me a little grace on this one. Please pray for this.

Tomorrow afternoon, I will most likely be meeting a newfound friend from my church for coffee. As I understand it, this woman, who I know, but have never really spent a whole lot of time with before, has also struggled with depression in the past. And there's just something about shared misery isn't there? And who knows, maybe we can both encourage each other a little in the process! And who couldn't use a little Christian Crack (coffee)?!?! Then, on Thursday another woman from Celebrate Recovery and who is also being trained to be a counselor, is going to be meeting with me and helping me work through my junk and find some healing in Christ. I know it's available and it's what God wants for me. I just have to find the right combination of counseling, medication, support and whatever else I need, but I won't give up! I know Christ wants to set me free! Now maybe we might be able to start convincing my heart of this fact!


  1. Hey sister, I am encouraged that there is some action in this process. I can tell you that through some deep prayer & seeking God's knowledge, wisdom and healing that I found the the root of my problem outside of therapy. Not that I didn't need a trained counselor but only God could get to the root quickly enough to save my life. I went for healing prayer with a couple ladies at a church I now attend and through seeking God, alot of listening & putting up with my antics at that time I have come a long way in healing. I'm not fully healed yet but then in this life we are all on journey in growing in Jesus. Check out my blog for more details on my story to give you some hope.

  2. Still praying for you and so glad you are still with us. You are loved.

  3. Hello my friend. I'm sorry I've been absent lately. I literally have been hiding in my own cave and avoiding cyberspace as much as possible. I love you, am praying for you, and am so glad that you two have started this part of the journey.