Thursday, December 29, 2011

Christmas Lack Of Sleep And Continuing With Boundary Issues

Hmmm, I wonder if I'm going to suddenly get really consistent about this blogging thing? I doubt it! I wouldn't count on it if I were you! It was nice that it didn't take like 5 hours to read something from each of the blogs I'm following though! You know, since I did this yesterday before I blogged. Well, two nights ago really, even though it was technically morning by the time I posted. That was actually a really good day. I was exhausted by the end of it and couldn't sleep for the wind banging things around, but I had a good day and didn't feel the need for a nap during the day, although, I didn't get out of bed until 11, so I don't know if that really counts. I woke up close to 11 again today. I woke up a few times earlier, but didn't feel like getting up and quickly went back to sleep. So, yes, my sleeping patterns are messed up as usual! What else is new?!

Well, my two oldest still fight like cats and dogs. More like a ferocious(sp?) lion and a rabid wolf, but okay. And I'm not sure which one is which! We had a nice Christmas at home. I didn't burn the turkey and I even made sweet potatoes (from a can), gravy (from packages), Stove Top Stuffing, mashed potatoes (from dehydrated potato flakes in a bag), and green beans, which I almost forgot, also from a can. I think that's all. Oh, yeah, then there was the store bought Pumpkin and Apple Pies. I never even got to touch the Apple Pie, and barely got any Pumpkin Pie. This is the thanks I get for actually doing something in the kitchen besides stick a frozen burrito in the microwave. Josh said, "If you snooze, you lose, literally." He said this because I discovered the empty Apple Pie tin after I had taken a nap on Sunday afternoon, so yes, I was snoozing! But seriously, after being awake all night Friday night worrying about messing up the turkey or any other part of Christmas dinner, and then dragging the kids to the Candlelight service at our church, and then taking care of the stockings and all that night and being so excited to see the kids expressions I couldn't sleep for the second night in a row! And then them opening their presents Christmas morning, getting ready and going to Sunday service, coming home, playing Angela at air hockey, and kicking her rear, I might add, then getting my rear kicked by my son, so that I could experience some humbling. Then, helping Angela figure out how to set her password for her new voice activated password journal.....I think I deserved a nap!!!!

It was a crazy Christmas! But totally fun, and I'm looking forward to hopefully doing it again next year, unless of course, we can convince my parents to get control of my sister and older brother, not to mention getting all porn completely out of the house, where there will be no way my children would have access to it! It seems like there was another condition I will have, but I can't remember it right now. Oh, yeah, something will have to be done about the cats and dogs, but they already know that, with Chloe's allergies. That, I don't have to argue with anyone about. No one will disagree with that. Bringing up the porn will be very awkward, if the time comes for that. Talk about a pink elephant in the room! It's one of those things we NEVER mention! You don't even hear the word "PlayBoy" said outloud in my parents house or around them, but everyone knows it's there. It's right in the drawers underneath the towel cupboard in the bathroom! Always!! But it's never been mentioned, except by my husband, who was the first person to point out to me that most families don't have PlayBoy magazines in their bathrooms. I had no idea that wasn't normal. How would I know that wasn't normal? I mean, I knew that for a Christian home it's unacceptable, but for a non-Christian home? I just figured everyone had them! And even when he brought it up, it was only to me, in private. Anyway, if my family never gets real about the abuse in our home, then it will never have to be brought up, but I'm hoping and praying that my parents will, first and foremost, come to know Christ, and that then they will put a stop to the abuse and pornography. It has to stop or I can't bring my kids. Of course, the porn will be an issue even when my siblings aren't there, so yeah, it will probably have to be brought up eventually. I fear my children have probably already seen it and who knows how it's effected them. I know how it affected me, but that's a whole 'nother subject for another time.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Totally Random!

I had about a zillion things on my mind that I really thought I should blog about earlier today and all during Christmas, but they all disappeared (I really should take notes on these things!) as soon as I discovered that I can now comment on my own blog again! Yay!!! Yes, simple things delight me! And it's a good thing, too, considering that I live in a falling apart trailer house that we don't have the funds to keep up. I have 3 children with more "needs" than any one person (or even two) could possibly keep up with! And we often have to get help in aquiring things for all of their needs. School needs, which are increasing all the time! And other needs as well! They are 3 very busy people who continually keep me hopping! I can't afford to have latte's on a daily basis, and I really don't understand how ANYONE can! Seriously, we're in a recession and latte's are EXPENSIVE!!! And yet, I'm going to Houston next month! Crazy! Well, we all set our priorities and make sacrifices for certain luxuries every now and then! I haven't really gone anywhere in YEARS!!! No, I'm not kidding! I haven't left the northwest since my 13 year old was a baby! I think I'm overdue! I did feel a little guilty about that the other day when my daughter, Angela, and I were talking about something we couldn't afford (I don't remember what) and I said that we needed to save our money, since I was going to Houston. She commented, "Why do you have to go to Houston?" Oh, well, she's young. She'll understand why mommies and daddies need to get away sometimes when she's older. I really hope this Houston trip turns out to be worth it and I don't have some kind of a nervous breakdown during the whole travelling alone thing and never make it to the actual event I'm supposed to be going to! I'm sure all will go well, and I'll come home even more confident in my abilities to do things on my own, without my husband there to catch me when I totally screw up once again. It's all good, and it's way past my bedtime!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

For The Love Of BROWN! (and other Christmas delights)

Oh, how we love BROWN! Yep! The UPS man showed up at our house today! Poor man! I thought my kids would ATTACK him! They were at the door like vultures! I told them grandma was sending their Christmas presents UPS, so they KNEW what was coming!!! He really just smiled as he came up the steps and said, "Hey! You sound like you're having too much fun around here!" in a mock stern voice! So fun! I bet they love their job this time of year! Everybody's so happy to see them! Of course, I always love BROWN! I just don't always like the mail man. He brings the bills. The UPS man just brings the good stuff!!!!!

So. Our Christmas tree now looks like a Christmas tree ought to look, with lots of packages underneath the tree, because Josh also bought all the kids their main gifts yesterday, so we wrapped them before our argument and put them under the tree. They are going to LOVE their gifts. Angela isn't getting the one thing she really wanted, but I think she'll like what she's getting. I asked Josh to take back the earrings he bought Angela, cause I know she won't wear them and I know of something that's on sale that she'll really LOVE that I want to get for a stocking stuffer. He's left most of the stocking stuffer shopping to me. So, that's not done. I also have to buy stuff for Christmas dinner. I think I'm going to do an afternoon dinner on Christmas Eve, so I can just play with the kids and their new toys and things on Christmas Day. I've decided everything but the turkey is going to be from a box or a can. We'll have to build up through the years with the cooking part. I've never even done a turkey, so I think even the gravy will come from a can this year. Or a jar. I'm hoping they have some in a jar or something, cause I don't really like the package one's. They're too thin. I like thick gravy. We'll see what we can do. Next year, if we still do Christmas at home we'll look at getting what I need to make real gravy from the turkey drippings. I love gravy, so I'm a little unsure about not doing the real thing this year, but I'll see what's available. Of course, only Chloe and I will eat the gravy, and only I will eat the stuffing, which is why I'm not going to bother with real stuffing. Probably not ever, although I learned at Thanksgiving with our friends that I could probably have Isaac Leidenfrost over and he'd help me eat the leftovers! :) That boy likes his stuffing!!!

Oh, yes, and the reason why I'm thinking we'll have dinner so early is because I'm pretty sure our church does a Christmas Eve service and we'll probably go to that. I certainly would want to if they're having one. I'm pretty sure they do one every year. We just haven't ever gone, cause we're never here on Christmas Eve.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Avoid Conflict

Avoid conflict: Yep, that's how my husband handles things. He would've just sucked it up, gone down to my mom's house, avoided everybody, done what he was told, and returned and then gone back to being ourselves and having fun. I've tried that. I'm not very good at not interacting. It really doesn't work for me. Plus, I have this problem. I'm the mom. So while he can ignore people children treating his children cruelly or really honestly claim ignorance, because he wasn't paying any attention, just disappearing into his own little world where he doesn't notice the chaos all around him. SOMEBODY still has to be the parent, though, and that always falls to me. So while he can just avoid everybody, I have to make sure my children's needs are met, so that requires me to be involved with my family. I remember so many times asking him if he could help with the kids and as always he says, "Your doing just fine." Avoidance. It works for him. He just sits back, while my kids get hurt and I get hurt and pretends nothing is happening. I probably won't even post this, because I realize I'm sort of bashing my husband and I'm trying not to do that kind of thing on here. Only deal with my stuff and not bash anyone else, but he's been doing this for years and I'm SICK of it! He says he would have just gone with it, but that's okay, he supports me! Funny! I don't feel very supported!

So, I let him read this before posting, and he still doesn't see what the problem is, so I don't care anymore! Hate me for bashing my husband, but I already know what everyone here would say if I personally went to them. "This is something the two of you are going to have to work out." "You should just go down and see your family for Christmas. You need to show them the love of Christ!" NO ONE here really supports me and understands me. Not entirely their fault, but they just don't get it! They don't understand when I describe the way I grew up or the way my parents and siblings behave now! Mostly because they've never experienced anything like that, and the one's who have...well, they're in the same shape I'm in. Or, they've managed to repress their feelings so much that they don't feel the pain of those things anymore. I used to be like that, but I decided to let my feelings resurface and not be so cold and now I can't seem to turn them off! I hate being treated like trash, because I know it's not right! And I REALLY hate my children being treated like trash! The reason I post these things? Because God doesn't care enough to get me out of this place, so I can be around people who understand me, and for now, this IS my support!!! My online community, through blogging, and tweeting is my only real support!!! Others here have tried, but they don't understand. The one's who do understand don't have the gifting, training or calling to help me! Actually, I'm not sure healthy people who are anything like me exist in this town, because they've all been in the same boat I'm in for all of their lives!

I'm sorry if anyone thinks this is slandering anyone, because I don't think it is. I have given the people involved their due respect. I understand that we just don't connect or understand each other well, and that they are doing the best they can, so please don't take this as slander. I even understand that my husband doesn't understand and doesn't see what the problem is, because he doesn't know or understand anything about boundaries either. There are none in his family of origin really, either. You can't understand what you've never been taught!

A Short Unfinished Hello And Preparations For Houston

Well, I've missed all of you. I'm getting nervous, because I'll be in Houston a month from today. I'm also excited, but I'm nervous. I have never travelled by myself, having to navigate my own way through airports and then a HUGE city! I hope there's only one OMNI hotel, because if I don't run into any siestas at the airport that I can ride with I'm going to have to take a taxi to get to the hotel, and that's all I know is it's the OMNI. Of course, I'm sure my husband, who made the reservations and all, for me, will give me more information before I leave. In fact, I'm a little worried he might be more nervous than me. He's asked me before if there is someone to meet me at the airport in Houston. I know it bothers him a little that I'm travelling alone, but he most definitely does not want to go with me. What's he going to do in Houston, Texas while I hang with the ladies all weekend?! Anyway, that's all I have time for, for now. I have to get ready to take the kids to the dentist. I'm running late. Tell you more about my life, later.

Friday, December 9, 2011

My Kids And Their Accomplishments (Or beginning to be accomplishments!)

Well, basketball season has officially ended for Jeremiah. However, I still have to pick him up in the afternoons, cause he plans to spend some time in the weight room. He's got to keep up his manly figure I guess! LOL! The things I do for my children!! There is a parent meeting for Wrestling on Tuesday. I'm kind of guessing, since it's so close to Winter Break, that wrestling won't actually start until after the Break. I sure hope so!!! Of course, they may need to practice through the break to be ready, I don't know. This will be the first time we've entered the world of wrestling with our kids. I know, shocking, since my husband was a wrestler, even in college for a brief time!!! Jeremiah's just never seemed interested until now, and it wasn't exactly something we've encouraged the girls to try. I have no doubt both of them would! Angela has actually asked if she can wrestle, which I'm sure is quite surprising to all of you (sarcasm)! We haven't let her up to this point, largely because of finances and because she's been so inconsistent with the things we have gotten her involved with that we don't want to spend that kind of money on her. She would love Hockey, but that's the most expensive sport out there!!!! She was consistent with that when she played on a scholarship, so if I was made of money, I'd absolutely fork over the bucks for her to play!!! Her music teacher heard her singing the other day, and told her that she has a beautiful voice, but could use some help with the notes. She offered 10 dollars for a half-hour of voice lessons! So we'll be looking into that, probably after Winter Break! We do want her to be active in something. Of course, she wants to be a pop star! What young girl who's told she can sing doesn't?! I'm certainly not going discourage her by telling her that it's highly unlikely to happen!!! What if Justin Bieber's mom had told him that!!!?! Talk about an unlikely candidate. Small town boy in Canada with a single, teenage mother!!!! Yeah, not happening! And look at him now!!!! I personally would not have encouraged my son to enter that world at the tender age of 15, but he's not my kid, so I'll let his parents raise him as they see fit! Angela does have a beautiful voice. My other two can sing, also, but Jeremiah, at least, has other interests. Chloe, on the other hand, I am told is one of the best dancers, maybe THE best dancer in her dance class after school on Mondays and Tuesdays! I can't remember what kind of dance it is. Some hispanic type of dance, but she's very good at it, which is nice. I like that she's found something she does well. Her teacher, who is also her third grade homeroom teacher this year, tells me their are 7 different types of intelligences and based on what she sees in dance class, she would have what they call Kinesthetic intelligence, so while she may not be as strong academically as others (she works consistently at a 1st grade level, beginning to be more consistent at a 2nd grade level) she is smart, just in a different way. I knew this all along, but it's nice to have others notice as well. Maybe she's not "book smart" but she is smart! Not that we're not going to continue to work on her classroom work! We will, of course! Speaking of which.....

She just had her 3 year reasessment and the school psychologist decided to use a different type of IQ test on her this time and she tested in the normal range, at a 90 IQ!!! It's still slightly below average, but puts her in the normal range, which after working with her for some time, she felt more accurately reflects Chloe's true capabilities! This is why she chose to use this test instead of the one they did three years ago! It's so nice to see her testing in the normal range! They also said they have seen a significant change in her attentiveness, so they no longer consider her to be attention deficit! That was good news also, although, I do wonder if it's the coffee I've been giving her in the morning! That's okay if it is! She loves her coffee and obviously there seems to be no reason to change anything! She's progressing well as we hoped she would! Once again, this year's teacher has commented on her incredible work ethic and how self-motivated she is! She says she's not worried about her succeeding in life, because she's the type that will try anything and works hard at whatever she does, and will just keep trying until she gets it! She loves to learn, and you don't have to fight her to get her to do her work! In fact, while I was meeting with her SPED teachers, and other faculty that work with her, she was doing her homework, and was almost done before we even got home! And I hadn't even told her to do that. I had bought her an A&W Root Beer on my way to the appointment (her favorite beverage) to keep her happy while I met with her educators. She did drink all of her root beer, but she also did her homework. Her sister played basketball instead. Quite a difference between those two! I love them both! I had bought Angela a Pepsi which she also devoured! Of course, I couldn't leave myself out. I got one of my many favorite beverages, a Wild Cherry Pepsi:) It was fun!

And then, we went to what has turned out to be the last basketball game of Jeremiah's I would make it, too. I was not able to make the last two night's games :( It was the closest game I've seen them play, but I think they pissed off the other team when at the half it was 13-12 Moscow! They were proving that they are not pushovers! That they are truly becoming a force to be recconed (sp?) with! I think many of these boys, like my son, are playing competitive basketball for the very first time, so they are just learning the skills! Jeremiah has improved quite a bit, and just like in football has shown his athletic capability and aggressiveness. He has been known for his aggressive playing in baseball as well, as he loves to steal bases. That is one of his specialties with those quick legs of his! He did meet his match at one point this basketball season, as I watched him play against a boy he was supposed to be blocking, who at one point, flew past Jeremiah like he was standing still!!! And Jeremiah's pretty stinkin' fast, let me tell ya!!!! There's a reason I had to put him on a leash as a toddler! That kid could MOVE from day one! His uncle had him pegged as a running back in football from the moment he learned to stand steady enough on those little legs to run!!! He called it! That's for sure! Anyway, the second half of that last game didn't go so well. They were pushing those boys all over the court, and the refs were only calling about a third of the fouls that should have been called and nothing on the kids fouling Jeremiah!!! They were literally SHOVING him! He hit the floor so hard, even if you didn't see it, you could hear it at least 3 times! Jeremiah says there were about five times he should've gotten free throws! At one point when he was pushed I did hear the whistle blow, and thought, "It's about time!" but no! They didn't blow the whistle on that kid! They actually called it against someone on our team somewhere else on the court!!! It was ridiculous! He was pretty sore that night and came off the gym floor limping, cause he kept landing on that hard gym floor on his knee!!! It was awful! I hope he had a better time last night! They still lost, but hopefully, he got some good, positive playing time in! The whole team has improved a ton during this season! Pullman slaughtered them in their first game! I'm very proud of the boys! They've come a long way!

Oh, yes! And I can't believe I forgot to mention that Chloe tested out of Speech Therapy!!!! Go Chloe!!! She's still considered to have a learning disability, but she's improved so much in so many areas!!!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Christmas Is Coming!!!!!

I know many of you are probably wondering, at least a little bit, maybe, occasionally, in your busy lives, how my parents have responded to me. And the reason you haven't heard anything is because they haven't. I'm wondering if my mom's even going to buy my kids Christmas presents or if she is going to return the ones she's already gotten and forget about us. I guess I'll find out if she sends Christmas presents or drops them by or something, not that she really has much reason to be going through here anymore. Although, her brother's still live a little ways to the north of us. Her parents are gone now, though, which I mentioned briefly in my last post. I miss having grandparents. No one spoils me anymore :) Of course, I may have just erased the only grandparent my kids had that ever spoiled them, from their lives. Josh's mom hardly ever even buys them anything, let alone come to their events or anything like that and when she does, she doesn't really do anything special for them. I'm sure she would more often if she could. She has a lot of grandchildren, so it's harder for her.

Jeremiah's last basketball game was tonight and my mom never made it up for one of his games. She always makes it a point to come to at least one of his games for whatever season he happens to be in. I think she's done. Of course, there could be other reasons she couldn't come all the way up here for a basketball game. My kids are very excited about establishing new traditions for just our family. Angela, my baker girl (she's been baking like crazy!) is already planning what she's going to do for a birthday cake for Jesus! I was really surprised at how happy they were that we're staying home for Christmas! They told me they have not had fun the last couple of Christmases either, and they just want to spend it with their goofy, fun-loving parents. They don't really care about all the fancy packages and the fancy dinner. If we can't afford to do all that, it's fine with them. I'm thinking of doing it like a real birthday party, complete with streamers, noise makers, and a birthday banner, but of course, with a Christmas tree in the mix, and presents for everyone, even if they are small presents, and stockings!!! Josh informed me he already bought a little something for their stockings. Of course, I can't tell you on here, cause they read my blog :) You'll have to wait, too!

Jeremiah got me the newest Casting Crowns cd. I'd tell you the name of it, but I'd have to get up for that :) Something about a Well. It, of course, has the theme song from the movie Courageous on it, as well as several others that have nearly brought me to tears of gratefulness! I love Casting Crowns music so much! He got this as a pre-Christmas gift. For some reason he's not telling me what he's got coming for me for Christmas :) He got Amazon Gift Cards for the popcorn he sold for Boy Scouts. He's only spent a little of it on himself. The rest he's using to buy Christmas gifts! What an awesome kid, huh?! Angela's planning to do the same with her money from her job cleaning the neighbor's houses. She's also already gotten started. Jeremiah did tell me he has the new Travis Cottrell cd coming for me, but that from his tracking it looks like that one won't be here before Christmas. That's okay. He said he also has something else coming that will be here before Christmas, so I will have at least one surprise package under the tree this year :) After he told me about the Casting Crowns cd, I decided to not ask for hints on any other gifts, cause he's obviously a sucker and I do love surprises!!! And I'm loving that someone in this family obviously speaks my love language :) which is receiving gifts in case you were wondering :) Wow! I've been grinning a lot in this post! I just can't wait for Christmas!!!!!! Well, okay, I haven't done any shopping. I'm still waiting on some money we're supposed to receive, so it can't come toooooo quickly! I have no idea what I'm getting the kids this year!

Oh, and I thought I'd make a correction from a previous post. The book I'm reading is Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud, not Healing Choices. I'm used to Healing Choices because that's the John Baker book used in Celebrate Recovery, or one of the books anyway! I've never actually read it. Just the step study books, which are great also!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Finally Establishing Boundaries With My Family Of Origin

As you all know by now, I am one big, huge, humongous (could I have another adjective please?!) issue!!!! Particularly where boundaries are concerned. I read Boundaries With Teens since I have not been able to get my hands on the original Boundaries book. And to be honest with you I have no idea what the guy is talking about. He just kept talking about teaching your kids boundaries, and I'm like, "What boundaries? Nobody ever taught me about boundaries and I have no idea exactly all the boundaries they need." I'd already set a few without even knowing that's what I was doing, like I recently told a friend that I never go out with an individual guy anywhere other than my husband. She informed me that's a boundary and a good one, that I've established for myself, cause someone suggested I talk to a certain guy over coffee and I said, "Not without someone else going with me I'm not." I realize coffee shops are public and it's not like I would be tempted anyway, but it just looks and feels too much like a "date" to me, so I don't do it. That was an obvious boundary that I hadn't really thought about much, because as a married, Christian woman, it seemed like a no-brainer to me. Obviously shouldn't do that. Maybe not everyone feels that way, I guess. I've made an exception occasionally with my pastor, only because he's like old enough to be my father!!! And he's my pastor for crying out loud! But then, I might feel differently if I had a pastor who was closer to my age. Never really had that experience. They've always been much older, or older enough for me to know I'd never be interested and no one would ever suspect anything.

Anyhoo, I've gone a little off the subject. I've realized that a major area where I haven't established good boundaries or really any boundaries at all is with my family of origin. I had to make yet another very tough decision this week and since this is my first time establishing boundaries in this case, I'm sure I'm going to botch it up, if I haven't already. I just knew I had to do something about Christmas. For the last 2 years, since my grandfather passed away I've gone to Oregon to my parents house for Christmas and allowed my family to push us all around, even to the point of being downright abusive towards me and my children. They love to play with our emotions, making us mad or scared. They think it's funny and it's not! It's cruel. They did this to me my entire life and they do it to my more sensitive kids as well. I don't notice them doing it as much with Jeremiah, but the girls have much more dramatic emotional reactions, especially Angela, so that's really fun for them. They always did this to me, as I was very much like Angela, and also tend to feel things deeply and express emotions very dramatically if I get upset enough. They like that, and like I said, it's cruel and abusive. Last year my older brother even put Angela outside in only a t-shirt and her pajama pants and tried to shut the door on her. He almost got away with it until I threw a hissy fit and insisted that mom make him let her back in. She was terrified! I'd hate to see how far he'd go if someone didn't stop him!!! My dad is very mean and uncaring in the way he talks to everyone and even made a comment when I got upset with him at one point, that he could see why Dave likes to do that. It's fun. Yeah, fun for who? Not me. Not my family. We're done and so yesterday I called my mom and left a message at the house that we're not coming for Christmas and not just because of Chloe's allergies (they live on a ranch and she's allergic to most animals) but because I am not going to take the bullying. That was yesterday mid-morning and I still haven't heard back from them. I'm sure they've called a family meeting to discuss what they're going to do about me. They've always had a problem with me seeking help and I can see why. Anyone could see they are not healthy people and that some changes needed to be made in our home and they would totally mess with their perfect little world, as they see it. I was their guinea pig and nobody was going to mess with that. The problem is I'm not a guinea pig and neither are my children, we're human beings and for the first time in my life I am going to insist that we be treated like human beings.