Random Stuff You Didn't Care To Know :)

Okay, I've been wanting to write to y'all today. I'm not really sure why. It's just an itch that I have that must be scratched. There's nothing new and significant happening in my life today that wasn't happening yesterday. I could give you a few boring details, though, which is probably what I'll do! We've discovered two new holes in our air mattress since my plugging it with m heel and they are all near where my buttocks would be resting while I'm sleeping. All on my side of the bed, so each night as we discovered we'd lost air by morning I would begin the search for the leak. Our only conclusion? I must have a prickly butt? That was actually Josh's suggestion. I feel so loved. Wouldn't you? :)

Let's see? What else? I painted my fingernails yellow and green. I'm sure you feel so much better knowing that:)

I enjoyed a livestream this morning with a few of my sister's in Christ and of course, Beth Moore teaching. She talked about trouble and affliction. Two of our favorite things, right?:) Don't you just love it when teachers pick such joyful subjects?:) No, seriously, though, it was a good lesson and I'm sure you can still watch it using the link on her blog. Or you will be able to. They try to make the lesson available to those who missed it or the one's like myself, who were too busy chatting with sisters we recognized from the blog to really be paying real close attention :) So, I won't really say too much about that right now, because well, I don't really know exactly what she said myself :) I wasn't really listening that closely! I knew I could go back later and listen to her. I only had that half hour to chat with the others. I do know she taught from Psalm 25, cause that's where my bible was turned to, since she told us to do that first thing :) I don't think I read it at all! I'll have to do that later, too! Right now I'm starving and it's very hard to eat and type at the same time, so I'll see ya'll later :)

The Pain Is Too Much

Well, it's been quite a week. Yes, I've allowed Angela to live. I'm sure you're all happy to know that. And I'm pretty sure you all knew that I would. Still frustrated, still fighting with her often, still trying to convince her that, yes, sometimes life is hard, but you got to do what you got to do, and if it requires you to work a little harder than you were hoping to have to.....ummm,sorry, we've all been there. You're just going to have to work that much harder. What really sucked is, this week is Missoula Children's Theatre, and yes, we did decide that she has been working very hard to try to get her grades up, and yes, she could do MCT. For crying out loud it only comes once a year! It was going to break my heart to have to tell her no and I'm not sure I could've done. So, obviously, that's not the part that sucks. When she came home yesterday evening I expected her to be in a rush to get fed to get back to rehearsals. She wasn't in a hurry at all. In fact, she'd already been to Wendy's with our friend, Holly, and her daughter (Angela's friend) Maggie, who she did the tryouts with and carpooled with last year as well. Turns out the reason Holly took them to Wendy's is she picked up two heartbroken little girls from tryouts. Neither of them got a part. I guess they had some very young, college age girls running the tryouts. They didn't pick most of the people who were in the play last year, even those, like my daughter, who had leading rolls last year. Being the stubborn, hard-headed child that she is, Angela made it a point to give them a piece of her mind, which as you know, can get pretty ugly. She wasn't happy because she said they laughed at her. I wasn't happy either, and when she told me some of the other very talented kids that didn't get parts (who I've worked with in the past volunteering at the school) who've ALWAYS gotten parts in the past, I was shocked. I told her not to worry to much about it, because obviously this particular group, unlike the group last year, doesn't know talent when they see it! I don't want to hear any talk about how I might be biased, but I'm going to tell you right now, that besides my own daughter, I know a few other very talented little girls who will not be in the MCT production here in Moscow this year. I also know of at least one, who will be, who I would've never picked in a million years...just sayin....and there I might be a bit biased too, because this little girl isn't very nice to my little girl :) Do you ever find that interesting, how you can absolutely despise an 11 year old child, because they don't like your kid? I distinctly remember the first time that I discovered that I have retractable claws and fangs that I have absolutely no control over. They instantly appear the moment I sense that one of my children is being threatened in any way!!! It didn't surprise me that I was very protective of them with adults that I sensed didn't like them, but the first time my five year old boy came from home from kindergarten in tears and I had an almostly overwhelming urge to kill another child with my bare hands (you will be happy that I reminded myself that I can't protect him from prison, so I resisted) I was in total shock! How does this happen?! All I have to say is if you're in my presence and you say anything derogatory about or towards one of my children, I am not responsible for what might happen to you! I have no control. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Now, onto another topic. Alcoholism! It continues to prove itself to me that I'm not cured and probably never will be. I still want to run for that bottle anytime I'm upset, stressed, angry, whatever. I've had a lot of stuff stirred up in me through reading Beth Moore's sister, Gay's, story on the LPM blog. She has helped me to see that alcoholism really is an incurable disease that I cannot control. Thankfully I know someOne who can :) Not that that keeps me from struggling. Between that, my own desire to seem genuine, the stress of moving, the loneliness of not having an accountability team where I'm at right now and not knowing how long it will take to get that established in Spokane, and just plain not having anyone safe to talk to about all this stuff one on one, plus Changes That Heal, plus Breaking Free, is stirring up so much pain from my life that I have not dealt with, that it is absolutely making me want to run straight for the bottle. Why that? Why not cheesecake? Why not ice cream? Why alcohol? Well, too be honest with you, as great as those things are, they just don't have the power to anesthetize the pain that alcohol does, and being a rule follower, I don't like to break the law, so illegal drugs are not an option. I want alcohol and I want it now. What's really making me mad is I have to walk to go get it. I don't have a car, and my husband's being a real pain, telling me I don't need it. What is up with that! And to be honest with you, some of the pain that's been stirring up, relates to him, too. He's ignored some things, chosen not to set boundaries, where I think he should. I feel unprotected and I feel my children are unprotected by him, so I'm a little irritated with him. For not understanding, even though I understand it's hard to understand me. It's hard even for other alcoholics to understand me. I'm kind of weird, you know. I'm more of afraid of getting caught than anything else. I don't want any of the people from AA or CR to see me with alcohol! I honestly don't care if I drink. I know that's terrible. I wish nobody cared. I wish I had never told anyone how much I love to drink so I could just drink and everybody would leave me alone. I feel like a fake, cause I've been dry, but not really sober. I want to drink. I want to throw in the towel and say who cares? I want to for so many reasons I can't share here! But I've been dry for 18 months outside of any recovery program. I don't have a counselor. I don't have a sponsor. I don't have any accountability partners. I've tried to establish those in the past, but no one's been consistent with me. I know one who would have been, but I don't think she really gets it. She's not an alcoholic, she didn't grow up in an abusive home, she has never, that I'm aware of, been physically or sexually abused. She has no idea what that's like. I need someone who has a clue about these things and is completely non-judgmental, totally accepting of me right where I'm at, and will love me no matter what. Even if I screw up sometimes. Even if I screw up a lot. Cause to be honest with you, telling me how I should feel or what I should think has not helped me. If I could do that, just instantly change how I think and how I feel without talking through things, I'd have done it a long time ago! I know God's Word. That's the frustrating thing. I'm in it daily! I've been in it fairly consistently all of my believing life, which is almost 17 years!!! What I'm wanting to do is have one last binge and then go to a meeting, cause then it feels real! Right now it doesn't feel real at all. Nothing about me feels real. I don't seem like a genuine alcoholic. I never drank enough, consistently enough. I don't feel like a real Christian, cause I'm obsessing over things I know are wrong. I don't even feel like a real abuse victim, because others have been abused much more violently than I have. So, my parents said some mean things to me and they didn't give me the love I needed. They didn't listen to me or care how I felt. Yeah, my dad hit me sometimes, but never with a closed fists and never left a mark on me. At least not that I ever noticed. I was kinda trying to hard to avoid him and just about everyone else who might hurt me, to notice. And yeah, I was sexually assaulted, but I was never all out raped. What am I whining about anyway. Get over it, Shellie. It's not that bad....and yet, that doesn't work for me. I hurt. I feel neglected. I feel abused. I'm scared of people. I'm afraid that they're going to tell me my parents were right. I am hopeless. I am stupid. I can't do anything right. And I've sort of gotten that, maybe not in those exact words, from people who were supposed to help me. People who were supposed to love me. That I can't really have a relationship with God and know what I'm hearing from Him, because I'm not smart enough. I can't know my own heart, cause I'm not smart enough, so I can't possibly know what He's calling me to do. I can't know these things for myself. I need others to tell me what to do. I need to stop caring what I do or what kind of things I'm interested in. I'm not supposed to have interests. I'm not supposed to have desires for my own life. I'm supposed to stay home and only care for my family and do what my husband tells me to do. And, oh, my gosh, how dare he suggest I think about what I want! I'm not supposed to want anything! I'm not supposed to be my own person! I feel guilty for liking to write. I feel guilty for wanting friends. I feel guilty for wanting help! Why should I feel guilty about these things? Because others have told me they're sins. Others have told me I can't have desires apart from caring for my family. Others have told me I don't deserve better. After all, I deserve what Jesus got, and I get that, but I NEED more than that. And I think God understands that, which is why he let Jesus take my punishment so I wouldn't have to. So, all I'm asking is that people quit hurting me. I'm tired of being hurt. Is that too much to ask? I wish somebody would just hug me and tell me it's okay to hurt, that it's okay to cry and let me cry on their shoulder, maybe, just a little. And tell me that they're sorry that all that stuff happened to me, instead of just telling me to get over it. If I could I would, but it's not that simple. Very few people seem to understand that and they're not in a place where they're able to spend time with me and help me. Also, I know that I have this anxiety issue that causes me to choke up and not be able to speak. I'm terrified of people. I'm terrified to tell them of my pain. To be really real with them. I'm not sure I can, but I need to. And I need someone who understands that too, someone who has the time and the patience to sit there and wait until I figure out what words I can used to describe what I'm going through, and wait also, for me to get up the nerve to say what's going through my head, out loud. That's going to take a very patient person. I'm not sure such a person exists. Cause I'm scared of all of you. I may not seem like it in person, but notice how personal, how real I get with you? Not very. I'm scared how you'll react to the real me when I'm right in front of you.

My Heart Is Full...Of So Many Emotions

I know I shouldn't be writing a blogpost right now, since it's like 1:30 am! I should've been in bed hours ago (and suddenly I'm craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich! What?! I've been craving those a lot lately! What is up with that!), but my heart is so full right now. I read Beth Moore's blog, talking about someone very special to her ministry, going to be with the Lord this week, which reminded me of my sweet Dave, that I'm sure many of you remember me talking about on here a couple of times, who I lost to cancer a few years ago. Made me cry again, cause I miss him, and because I'm so grateful for the influence he had in my life to come to know Christ. Then, I hopped over here to see comments on my blog, which of course, were mostly from Jenny! One of the things I've done to help me not be so unhappy about not getting comments is, I've put a thing up on my blog that tells me how many visitors I've had! I love it when I hop on from time to time and see that that numbers gone up! That way at least I know you're reading, even if you're not commenting, but I do like to see comments from time to time! Otherwise, I get a little lonely on the other side of this keyboard, and you wouldn't want that :) No pressure or anything :)

I just want you all to know, I'm in love!!!! No, I'm not cheating on my husband!!! I have fallen in love with him all over again this week, too, though, but that's nothing new! That happens almost every week! I thought I loved him before, now I love him more! Or, he did something to irritate me and I was mad at him, but then he turned right around and proved he's still totally awesome, so I'm in love again! Or, I just looked at him just right and saw that unbelievably handsome man I married almost 15 years ago! That's much easier to do these days after he's lost so much weight! But no, this is not about him! This is about my True Knight In Shining Armor, who can do know wrong, even if I accuse Him of it at times, the one who swept me off my feet at the ripe young age of 20 and does it over and over and over again in ways I never would have expected! He's truly a romantic! He really is! You should read some of the stuff in the bible! Ain't nobody as much of a romantic as this Guy! He calls me His Bride, says He's "enthralled by my beauty." Oh, yes! He's my Prince of Peace, King Jesus! I am more in love with Him tonight (morning?) than I ever have been before! I couldn't explain it to you even if it wasn't 1:40 am and I should be sleeping! Don't know if I can sleep my heart is so full! Can't win on that one it seems. I'm either devastated and can't sleep or I'm exhilarated and can't sleep....or....whatever! You fill in the blank. I'm feeling like my heart is going to burst and I'm at peace at the moment, so who knows. Maybe I'll just pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow! First I have to put my head on the pillow to find out! Good night!

Packing And The Drama Of Driving

I seriously never before have wished more than I do right now that we hadn't lost the chord to the camera, so I could charge it and take pictures! I just read about Keith and Beth Moore moving out of their home of 27 years on the LPM blog and she had all sorts of pictures of things that had memories attached to them! I've found so many things here that I wish I could do that with! Unlike her, I don't have my husband experiencing this with me! He's busy getting work stuff taken care of to leave for the next DE here. And, of course, he will be cleaning out his office. He'll actually be going from an actual office to a cubicle! That almost seems like a step down! I mean, it's about the same size as the tiny office he has here, but without the privacy of an actual door, you know what I mean!?! I would find working in a cubicle very distracting and difficult to get any work done, with all the other people around you, but that's me for you. Like I've mentioned before, ADD. It's also in a very busy part of town. We kept hearing sirens and other things outside. It's right across the street from the Spokane Arena for those of you who are familiar with the area. Yeah, the emergency vehicles go right by his window to go just about anywhere it seems. I'm imagining those type of vehicles going by that area is probably a pretty regular thing. It could just be we were there at a bad time and something major had just happened! Anyway, obviously, also, I have not lived here 27 years! That would mean I moved in when I was 10 since I'll be 37 in just two days! Yes, you may send me gifts :) I'm not shy! I'm actually hoping, along with a new set of earphones for my iPod, since mine have a short, good ones with good quality sound, not the cheap ones I usually buy, that my man will buy me a new power chord for my camera :) Yes, he does read this blog, so I am hinting. I know because of the move we don't have a lot of money to spare. We're going to be spending a lot of it on like a new washing machine, and some furniture, things like that (that's going to make up for the jacuzzi bath he never hooked up that was supposed to be for my 31st birthday :)) This would be why I'm asking for practical things like power chords. Besides it only seems appropriate since he did buy me the camera last year for my birthday :) I really over use that smile, don't I?

Anyway, back to the packing thing. I had to clean out my car the other day, because we had to sell that *sniff sniff* I found a t-shirt I bought Angela a long time ago, that probably would have fit Chloe now, but it was filthy from being in the back of my car for so long. It wasn't stinky or moldy or anything so I probably could have saved it, but against my better judgment I threw it away! I just didn't want something that dirty in my washing machine when I have so many other things to wash right now! I felt like I ought to have a ceremony for it, though! It was heart wrenching throwing it in that barrel. It had a picture of a coffee mug and a little bubble that said, "sugar?" It had another bubble in another corner that said, "No thanks!" and in the center in big letters it said, "I'm Sweet Enough Already" *sniff sniff*

I also felt we should have a service for my car! I know it's just a 1995 Subaru Legacy, but you have no idea what this car has taken me through! To put it in perspective for you, do you remember your first car? The first car you ever owned? All yours, no else's or at least you were the primary driver? That's what this car was for me! My first car. And it might have had extra special meaning to me, because as some of you have probably figured out, I have many, many fears!!! I'm basically scared of everything and one of those things was driving. Really, even of learning how to drive, or more like, being afraid to prove I can't learn how to drive, or do anything else for that matter. Of proving that my parents were right about me. I really am a no-good for nothing loser, who can't do anything right. I am stupid. All those things they said about me. I didn't want to prove them right...again! So, I was afraid to try. I'm still afraid to try new things. I'm afraid of not being perfect, which is what was expected of me, so I finally got my driver's license in October of 2008. This was monumental for me! This was after I don't know how many driver's permits, including the one's I had in high school, that never translated into me taking the test, which scared me most of all. Some guy, staring at my every move and marking things down on paper while I attempted to drive and remember all the things I needed to remember. I'm still not a good driver, but I got my license, and as long as I don't get caught in a tight place where I have to back up or turn around, I usually do okay. I've gotten in a few fender benders with that car in a short time and God has been gracious most of the time, in having it be with people who didn't want to report it. Phew! It was my fault always, so it mostly would have hurt me! I did get a misdemeanor charge once for hitting someone. No fun! God provided miraculously for that one by an anonymous person at church leaving some money for us! Thank you, Jesus! I learned how to drive through many tears, panic attacks, and sometimes deep depressions after a particularly hard driving lesson that I felt I failed miserably at! I often gave up only to eventually (sometimes months later) start again. I got devastatingly discouraged and down on myself. I still do in regards to driving. I'm still not comfortable driving, especially if there's a lot of heavy traffic, which is one reason we decided to sell the car. If I won't drive unless I absolutely have to in Moscow, I'm not driving at all in Spokane for a while. I might try occasionally, with Josh in his Santa Fe. I'll definitely keep up my license, which means I'll be getting a Washington license in a few months. After I just renewed my Idaho license at that! Sheesh! I hope a Washington license isn't too expensive! And I hope I only have to take a written test to get my Washington license. Can you imagine me taking a driver's test in Spokane!!! Yikes!! We'll find out all that soon enough. For awhile I'll be walking and riding the bus, though. But yes, I want to keep my license just in case.

My Failed Trip To Houston

I never did get around to telling you all that I never made my flight to Houston. There was some confusion about how early we actually had to check in and I got there late and of course, that doesn't really excuse Delta Airlines for being extremely rude to me when I walked in. Some jerky guy came around the corner (I swear he was just waiting there to have the pleasure of ruining someone's day, which turned out to be mine!) when I came up to the desk and said, "Sorry, I can't check you in. You're late." And then just walked out. End of discussion and I swear he had a little smile on his face! My husband shouted after him "Wait! What? So we're just screwed!" I'm not sure if he said that exactly the first time, but he did eventually. When we refused to leave he came out several more times all just as rude and inconsiderate as the first time. By the way, it did not say on the printout how early we needed to be there or that they stop checking people in half an hour before the flight leaves. Tiny airport, only one gate, and I know lots of people who fly out of there that show up only 20 minutes before departure and that's plenty of time to get through security and all that and they have no problems! Even with all the new restrictions since 9/11. I know it's weird that I still think of them as new, because this is the first flight I've taken with a major airline since that event. Do you see how starving I was for some travel time! I seriously love to travel! Did it all the time in high school! I'm in withdrawals! As many of you being from this area recall, on January 20th the weather wasn't ideal and I may have this wrong, but they started pulling passengers off that flight, and as I understand it, it was because of extra weight restrictions due to the weather. One guy who had that reflective clothing on that you see the guys on the runway wearing came in and told us that technically it's not even legal to take off with passengers with any snow on the runway and that after this flight took off the airport was closing. Personally, (yes, this is sort of gossip) I think they didn't look at the condition of the runway early enough to cancel the flight, so they were covering their rearends! (I hope that doesn't offend anyone.) I would be willing to bet that just like the runway man suggested, they took off with only the crew aboard, cause the crew HAD to make connecting flights according to him. The next flight I could get a ticket for didn't go out until the next morning. The event I was going to ended at noon, so I wouldn't get there in time for any of it. I mean, that wasn't the only point of the trip, but it was the main part, so no way was I going without going to that! It just wouldn't be worth it! There was (supposedly) a flight going out at noon. I'd be late, but at least I'd get there. I'd miss the first session on Friday night, but I'd be there for Saturday, which that would've been sad, too, cause I still would have missed the photo sessions on Friday night! That was important to me, too! But that flight was full, so I would have just had to wait around to see if anyone cancelled at the last minute, but again the runway man (you like my name for him?:)) told us the truth was they were closing the airport. Nobody was going anywhere from that airport on January 20th, period! I wish they'd have just told us that instead of leading us around like a puppy on a leash!!! I really think that guy was hearing the talk from the others who were talking to us inside the airport and was irritated that they were lying to us! Just a hunch. When I left the airport, they were still taking passengers off the plane in short increments and the plane was still (obviously) sitting out there not going anywhere, and I glanced over my shoulder to see that the entire runway was COVERED with snow! Nobody was going anywhere! I also heard someone on the phone on the way out telling someone that they were telling him he might be able to get a flight out at noon! I wanted to turn around and tell him, "Hey, bud, they're lying to you! They're closing the airport. You're not flying out of this airport today!!!" I resisted the urge, besides my heart was aching to badly :*( I was so close, yet sooooo far away from my dream trip! Yes, there were lots of tears throughout the entire weekend. And lots of thoughts of just heading to the liquor store and getting me a big bottle of tequila, which I resisted. Not throwing away 17 months of sobriety that easily!!! Which I achieved that very day, by the way!!! I think this was my first full on realization that I am, whether I like it or not, a full-0n ALCOHOLIC! That and sharing a little of my story on Beth Moore's blog in a comment. Whew! Seeing those early drinking days staring me in the face was a RE-ALITY. CHECK! Man, was I messed up!!! That was this morning. After that I went to sleep (was up late last night) and dreamed of....drinking....oh, yeah, I was drunk, and I woke up happy about it and sad to realize I was sober. Wait!!! What?! Oh, man, I think I need to go to a meeting!!! But the meetings around here are so depressing! Ugh! What to do!!! If Gay or Beth read this, please don't feel like you shouldn't have shared. It's just me and it would happen eventually regardless!

Trying to figure out how to end this? Have you noticed that I have trouble with conclusions? I thought my last one was brilliant by the way! There. I think I'll end with that.

Random Babbling From Shellie

Wow! Three weeks!!!! Seriously! No wonder I've been posting ridiculously long comments on other people's blogs!!!! I've been basically writing blog posts of my own on...well....okay, Beth Moore's blog, since her's is the only one I go directly, too, without going to my blogger account first! Ha! Anyway, I had to laugh as I read some of my previous posts to catch myself up on what I had written (now that is when you KNOW it's been too long!) Anyway, yes, clearly the writer in me is STARVING!!! I might as well, except it, I'm a writer to the core of my being whether I ever choose to publish anything or not!! I just love to write, and I love the much more safe interaction of all of you not being in front of me. And my nerves just don't get in the way as much when I'm writing as when I'm with people in person. I seriously have full on anxiety attacks when I'm with others and they want to know about my personal life and my relationship with God (which is VERY personal!). You just usually can't tell because I'm very good at hiding it. Probably a skill I learned through years of public speaking growing up, which scares me to death by the way, even though people always told me I always looked so confident, especially with a microphone in my hand! Ha! If they could only look closer and see the racing heart and sweaty hands and feeling like I can't breathe. Okay, that one is new. It feels a little like an elephant is sitting on my chest and it happens regularly now!!! Yes, my chest gets very tight! I break out in a cold sweat! It's awful!

Okay, back to what I was saying about laughing (told you, highly unorganized). I'm laughing because of how much it shows how upset I get when I can't see what God is doing! I was talking about living here until my kids graduate!!! Ha! We're out of here next month! I kid you not! My husband got offered a promotion and he accepted! I never thought he'd accept a promotion until the kids were all out of school! But he did! Mostly because he started realizing, more and more, that I need HELP! And it's not going to happen as long as I live here! We're moving to Spokane, Washington, which was where the closest counselors I could find are! I was a little disappointed, because I'd finally convinced my husband to go to Real Life and now we're leaving, but they have to church plants in Spokane! And, honestly, if they didn't, I think we'd be willing to drive to Post Falls to be around loving, forgiving, gracious people who truly care! The original Real Life Ministries is in Post Falls. I'm pretty sure that's the original. I know it's the one I first knew about! I've wanted to be a part of Real Life ever since I first heard about them! They seemed like everything a church should be according to the Word of God! (Whoa! What a concept!) and when I first heard that they were coming to Moscow I was ecstatic! Just took me this long to convince my husband that's the place to be! As I understand it, they're all basically the same as far as the attitudes and hearts of the people. I'm sure they do different things depending on the needs of the people where they're at. Anyway, Jeremiah and the pastor's s0n, Caleb, between church, youth group, and school, even being on the same sports teams, have become the best of friends....and now we're moving! Thank God for facebook! That's all I have to say. And Caleb pointed out on Sunday, that Spokane's not THAT far away! It's not like they won't be up there and we won't be back here every now and again. They'll most likely still be able to see each other once in awhile other than on facebook. We do still have family in the area after all, and I'm sure we can squeeze in some friend time in all the family craziness during holidays and vacations. It will help us keep our sanity anyway, cause as much as we love family, too much time spent with ANYONE can drive you a little crazy after a while, right?! Much needed escapes are good for all involved, so we don't end up hating each other and never speaking again! Josh and I came up with a good rule of thumb. No more than 3 days spent at any relatives house. After the third day, we've observed, everybody (not just us) gets a little cranky with each other! It's a little different with friends I would imagine. You don't know each other in the same way, so you can't get in each other's business quite as painfully, plus you pick your friends based on what you like, you don't pick your family, so you get all kinds of personality conflicts mixed up in there! If you have a personality conflict with a friend, generally speaking, you just don't end up being good friends who hang out much. You don't have that option with family. So, anyway, this is a totally random post, and I think I've made the decision that I'm going to do a little more editting on here from now on, although that will mean fewer posts. Obviously, this post is the exception, being the one I'm telling you this on. It still won't be a lot of editting and it will be mostly based on my mood. If I'm in a fairly positive mood, I'll probably just go ahead and post what I wrote without editting, because there's probably not anything in there that I will regret posting later. Or at least, a little bit. Rarely do I regret it enough to delete it. Anyway, mostly when I'm feeling negative, and that doesn't mean there won't ever be anything negative on here, since depression and anxiety are huge issues in my life, but probably a little toned down and saved to be editted later, so by the time it gets to your eyes it will be more of an explanation of the frame of mind I was in than a barrage of my emotional baggage (I think that's the word I'm looking for.) Anyway, it's like only an hour until lunch time and I haven't even had breakfast yet! So.....I'm out!!!!

A Short Unfinished Hello And Preparations For Houston

Well, I've missed all of you. I'm getting nervous, because I'll be in Houston a month from today. I'm also excited, but I'm nervous. I have never travelled by myself, having to navigate my own way through airports and then a HUGE city! I hope there's only one OMNI hotel, because if I don't run into any siestas at the airport that I can ride with I'm going to have to take a taxi to get to the hotel, and that's all I know is it's the OMNI. Of course, I'm sure my husband, who made the reservations and all, for me, will give me more information before I leave. In fact, I'm a little worried he might be more nervous than me. He's asked me before if there is someone to meet me at the airport in Houston. I know it bothers him a little that I'm travelling alone, but he most definitely does not want to go with me. What's he going to do in Houston, Texas while I hang with the ladies all weekend?! Anyway, that's all I have time for, for now. I have to get ready to take the kids to the dentist. I'm running late. Tell you more about my life, later.

Peter Walking On The Water

Okay, not quite as late being on here as I have been in the past, so we're going to try to write a real post this time. I wanted to talk to you about Peter walking on the water, so let's see if I can gather my thoughts. First, I have to get out my bible! Ha! That would help!!!

Matthew 14:25-32
During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

This is the passage I was telling you about a few weeks ago that hit me in a new way. Read this so many times, as I know many of you have as well, but something hit me that never hit me before. Now, as many of you know, I'm doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free book, not the workbook, just the book, right now. Yes, I said I'm doing it, almost as though it were a bible study, and not just a book. Sort of doing it in my own way and sometimes I go back and read a chapter or two or three over again and look up many of the scriptures again! For instance, this is actually in chapter 7 of her book, and I am currently back in chapter 5 again! I know, I'm weird! I have referred to my workbook, Breaking Free, that I did years ago, from time to time as well. In the book, Mrs. Moore talks about how the storm continues as Peter walks out onto the water, that Jesus doesn't calm the storm until after they're back in the boat, and that He may not always calm our storms either, but ask us to trust Him in the midst of the storm(loosely translated, I believe that's sort of what she was getting at.) The chapter is on enjoying the presence of God and so she was emphasizing that while we might not enjoy the storm, we can enjoy His presence in the midst of the storm, but even though that was the emphasis she was taking and yes, it did resonate with me, something else about that passage hit me that she didn't emphasize. I believe God emphasized it for me! This was particularly important to me in my situation.

As you all know, I have struggled with depression almost all of my life, and the part that really jumped out at me was when Peter cried out and Jesus "reached out his hand and caught him." This just made my heart squeeze again. Even just a minute ago when I wrote that it grabbed my heart once again, and made me love Jesus even more! I just can't get over it! I'm telling you, this was HUGE to me, and I bet you're wishing I would just hurry up and tell you instead of just telling you that it meant a lot to me. I thought about the fact that Peter doubted. I've often thought that when I doubted God in the midst of depression that He would just let me drown, but no! Peter doubted, and when he cried out to Jesus, even while doubting, "Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Do you see where I'm going with this!!! I would have expected Him to be like, "Well, since you doubted I'm just going to let you drown!" But that's NOT what Jesus did! First He "reached out his hand...." Oh, how those words right there just grab me every time!!! When, I cry for Him, even when I doubt His ability to rescue me, to heal me, or His desire to do so, He will still reach back for me, and save me! He won't let me drown in depression! As long as I keep crying out to Him, no matter how weak my faith is, He'll reach back every single time! He rescued him and only then did He ask him why he had doubted! And he only asked him once. He didn't lecture. I love that about God. I don't think He has ever lectured me! Pastors have lectured me, counselors have lectured me, my parents (of course: insert eye roll) have lectured me, my husband may have even lectured me a time or two, but God never has!!! He doesn't need to. He knows I'm either listening or I'm not. No point in lecturing, because after all, I will just roll my eyes. I'll admit it. I'm not much less rebellious than I was as a teenager with my parents. (I can't believe I just admitted that!) I felt like God whispered sweetly to me, while holding me in His arms at that very moment, that I read that and said, "My Child. I'm. Not. Going. To let you drown!" He's not. He's going to reach back, every single time that I cry out to Him in fear that I'm going to drown. Then we'll work on increasing my faith. But only after He catches me. Oh, I love Him soooooo much! Have I mentioned that! He is My Jesus! And I wish I could say that I'll never doubt Him again, but I probably will, and He'll reach out and catch me....again!!!

The Teacher In Me Is About To Burst!

Ya'll! I have had the neatest week in so many ways! I wish I could tell you all about it, but there's just no way!!! I went to church last Sunday for the first time in a long time! Pastor Kim preached an amazing sermon! I still think he should stick to teaching and leave the counseling to others, but don't think the situation is entirely his fault. I do not like the way this counseling group teaches them to counsel people!!! Also, while he was preaching I had some really amazing thoughts based on the passages he read that had very little to absolutely nothing to do with what he was actually preaching on!!! Weird how that happens! I swear I could have taught two whole other lessons on what popped into my head. It resonated so much with me that I jotted down some notes for a possible future blog post on it! I'd do it now, but ya'll it's after 11 at night! It happened again while I was reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore. In a passage she was teaching from something else entirely different, but related very much to my particular bondage, just sort of popped out at me. It wasn't something she had emphasized in her writing, but it hit me and it has been brewing in my brain most of the afternoon! It so relates to my situation and that is one I will definitely be blogging about! Just to give you a head's up, it came from the passage where Peter walks on the water. I know! A passage most of us have read like a zillion times and I'd never thought about it like this before!!!! I love how God does that with His Word! LIVING Word, no doubt!!!! Love it! Anyway, I just thought I'd say hey, before I check out for the night. Let ya'll know I'm still here!

Scripture Memory And Spiritual Warfare: One Is Absolutely Essential To Be Effective In The Other!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! It is scripture memory day on Beth Moore's blog and I've been so distracted by the short, goofy people that I haven't even looked at the verses I've noted to be possibly what I should be memorizing right now, to see which one God would have me memorize and meditate on for this 15 days or so. God is using this in incredible ways in my life. He's been so good to bring the memory verse I've been working on from Romans 8 verses 38 and 39 at times when Satan has been messing with me in the very intense spiritual attack that I have been under for a while. Or was under. I feel that it has lifted from me, somewhat, at this point, with my family here and all, but in the quiet moments, even though I am happy that they are home, and hopeful at what God is doing in my life, I can still often feel a slight ache in my soul that lets me know there is still healing that needs to happen there. But He is faithful and He will continue to be faithful to me! So sure of my standing with Him right now that it's brought joy in my pain that I didn't even know was possible!!! Anyway, those verses have helped me combat the Enemy so many times, and just saying His Name! Outloud and in all caps on twitter and my blog and, I think that's about it, but wherever I happen to be and whatever I happen to be doing I am getting to experience for the first time really, just how much POWER there is, just in the name of JESUS! Whenever Satan attacks I try to do one of those two things and also just to cry out to God for His healing and His Truth in my life. I am getting to love Him more and more, so I'm thinking at this point in time, it is so worth it, to go through this, if it's what it takes to really have Him as my all in all! And to know that, to the depth of my soul, that He is everything and nothing and no one else will satisfy quite like He will! Not even my husband and children and yet He's let them into my life, as my responsibility, yes, but also, to enjoy! And I am!!!! They are no longer a burden to me! It is my pleasure to serve them in anyway I can at this point in time!!!

But the verses! Scripture memory is sooooo important! Even if you think (or know) that you can't really memorize the verses word for word, just picking some to put on note cards and carry with you and meditate on throughout your day or days is extremely helpful. You can just pull that card out of your pocket or wherever and say it, out loud, when the Enemy comes at you with lies that you know are lies, because they are not consistent with God's Word! We must know His Word! That's why He gave it to us, and I have to admit, I have a hard time maintaining a lot of memory verses. I usually can only recall the one that I'm working on currently without lots of hints and things about what the verse is dealing with or what word it starts with, or something like that. I do struggle with scripture memory, but I press on, and trust Him to use that working on those in my life, anyway! Even if next month I can't recall the verse I'm memoriaing now. It's in there, somewhere, because His Word does not return void. Another verse that's in my head somewhere, though I can't recall the reference, again. But the important thing is, I know God's truth, even if I don't know exactly where it is in the bible. I know it's there, cause He's taught it to me, and I can always look it up, when in doubt! That's what bible concordances are for!

When I can't seem to focus on the truth, because the battle is just that FIERCE at times, He's been faithful to let others see it and enter the battle with me, and say "Shellie, that's a lie from the pit of hell!" And they'll tell me, say His Name, out loud right now, or whatever it is I need to hear and whatever it takes to help me get back on track! So thankful for the Body of Christ, as well! But if not for Christ Himself, there would be no Body, so He is the head! He is my Refuge and my Healer!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 21

Wow! Was that really only two days ago!? It feels like forever ago, probably because I've continued to be under intense spiritual warfare, mixed with, what I feel, are personal attacks on me, but I'm sure the people who've done this are well meaning people who just do not understand the sort of, formal, and yet not formal, odd relationship that I have developped with Living Proof Ministries over the years. It's been a hard couple of days. I ended up, in great pain, and feeling deeply misunderstood, and feeling like I'd been alone too long, and needing some support, I facebooked my friend, and counselor in training, Shari. I was very happy to see her, yet, I don't know, maybe she was having a hard day at work, but she didn't seem as warm and tender as usual. She was all business. Which for about a half hour before she came I was battling the fear of having to share some very painful things with her that were hard for me, because I care too much, what she thinks of me(which we talked about) and I was shaking and praying while folding clothes (cause since I was jittery I needed something to do.) If she'd been slightly later, I had so much adrenaline running through my body, I might have had the entire house cleaned within an hour!!!! Even the bathtubs scrubbed! It was kind of interesting! Fear can cause a few good things to happen I guess. But I was waiting and couldn't get into any bible reading or anything, because then I'd be upset when I got interrupted. I NEVER get upset when you interrupt housework!!! Please DO :) I was feeling a lot of pain from my childhood and was going to share some of that with her. I started quoting my current memory verse for SSMT (check Beth Moore's blog if you're curious as to what that is). I was very nervous and wanted to share this with her right away, but as I was taking a breath, trying to get up the nerve, she asked me a question, that was a little less painful for me, but related, so I jumped on it. She wanted to know what happened at Camp Grizzly, so we went into that which eventually did lead into the painful memory, that really now that I think about it, only cropped up, two days ago, so yes, the pain is very fresh. I remembered it before, but I don't think I fully understood it, and God showed me how it had effected me in how I respond to people now, so I knew I needed to deal with the healing process of that loss of relationship with my parents when I was a child, and being afraid of them, because they hurt me most of the time, and did not give me the emotional comfort and love and acceptance that I needed. However, she asked me if I had forgiven my parents, and I said, yes, I'm pretty sure I have. And then, she asked if I had grieved that loss. And I don't think I really had thought of it as grieving what I was doing, and I was nervous, because I had not anticipated this question, and I think I said yes initially because I really would rather she not talk to me about that. Cause again, painful, fear, all of that....but I hadn't grieved that. That's what I'm doing now. I felt like I needed to get over my fear of letting others see my pain in person, up close and personal, and I was trying to overcome that by inviting her in, but because I basically dodged the question, and even lied to her about it, sort of, unconsciously, but I did. Thank you, God. I need to repent of that. So, she moved on to me needing to go an apologize for my wrong to the person at Camp Grizzly, who I ran away from, basically, instead of dealing with, and that was a pride issue partially, because I also didn't want her to see my pain over this issue. I didn't want to cry in front of her, because she used some words that my parents often used against me, and she wasn't necessarily attacking me, personally, but I took it that way (yet another problem I need to deal with, but one at a time...patience, Shellie) and as you can imagine with the pain that I was already dealing with inside myself, that was overwhelming. I knew she was right, but because I really hadn't grieved that memory, I wasn't ready for it. She did not know this so she was rather harsh to my very injured soul, which had I have grieved I needed, but again, that was my fault. I felt sort of shut down at that point and was too scared to confront or even speak to the pain that I was feeling any more. I started to feel tears coming on, but that's when she would interject to tell me what I needed to hear, or she thought based on the misinformation, but all in all, yes, I attacked her in an email at first. I hope she can forgive me that wrong. But then, I sent a second email after visiting with a friend, not about the email, but about what I was struggling with and then I could think more clearly and was able to email her back and tell her in a much more proper way how I felt about the situation. Anyway, it's been another hard day. I've spent a lot of time in the Psalms crying out to the Lord, using words David wrote, which, while he didn't have exactly the same issues as I do, many of those feelings are the same, so while reading them, they began to become my own cries, crying out to Him. And I love doing that with scripture, cause I can guarantee that's within His will and it has truths with the emotions, so that it doesn't just become about the pain, but really learning God's truth at the same time. I think the Psalms are going to be a refuge for me at this time in my life, as I cry out to God using many of David's words, and a few of my own as I add to it, as I kind of put my own emotions and thoughts in there, but covered by God's truth, in a sort of bible study, prayer mix! I love that, because it becomes so personal, and He is a personal God, who loves me, exactly the way I am, and accepts me, and I can just say what I'm thinking and feeling right now, as He's my only companion and ever present help in trouble.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 17

It's been a challenging day, with a lot of tears, but I'm learning that tears are okay. That it's okay to grieve. That it's even healthy. The reason that it hurts so much to lose people, shows that we let ourselves be vulnerable. That the relationship mattered. If it didn't hurt, then the relationship meant nothing and that's not good. I risked loving, and that's why the loss hurts so deeply. And God heals, and He is enough. I don't have to have that other person in my life to be able to continue living for God. God is my everything and He will bring the people into my life that I need to keep me balanced. I know that He has a plan for my life, and I'm glad I've had people in my life, like Dave, who have been Jesus to me. Have been that Christ-like influence and have shown me who Jesus is, little by little. I'm still learning and growing and always will be.

We are called to be in relationship with people, as well as God, and sometimes that hard to balance, and figure out where the boundaries are. We need each other, and at the same time, we can't rely on each other. We have to rely completely on God. That can be confusing sometimes. Be honest. Do you ever get confused about whether or not someone has become an idol in your life? I do. Sometimes I wonder if Beth Moore is an idol in my life, and maybe at times she has been. I have to constantly keep myself in check, and back off if I feel I'm getting to involved with someone else other than God. There have been times that my husband has been my idol. Oh, boy! That can get ugly! I've realized it when I've been mad, and asked myself why I was mad, and ultimately, it was because he didn't fix me. He didn't make me feel all happy again. He didn't cure my depression! He can't do that! He's a man! He's a really wonderful man, that loves me.....but he's just a man! He's weak (yes, I just said that my husband is weak, because compared to God, he is!) and he doesn't know everything. Only God can be my everything! My husband can't, my pastor can't, my counselor can't, my very best friend's can't, my favorite teacher, Beth Moore, can't. Only God! And yet, we need those other people? Does that ever confuse anybody else, or is it just me? I need bible teachers. I need my counselor. I need my friends. I need my husband, and I need my pastors. That is really hard to balance and make sure that it is truly God that is my all in all, and not those other people.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 14

I was just listening to a lesson online by Beth Moore on her "Inheritance" series and she talks about the prodigal son. She talks about how when someone is truly repentant it's marked by humility. You know, I'm not sure if I've been truly repentant about some things in my life. Sure I've walked away from those sins, but like she suggests, sometimes I fantasize about them in my mind. Particularly where drinking is concerned. I enjoy some of those memories of drinking. Of course, I don't enjoy some of the things that happened while I was drunk. I don't enjoy the memories of the men I gave myself to while I was drunk. Some of them, I never even knew their names! That seriously makes me nauseous! I'm not kidding! There is nothing more awful to me than the thought that I gave a piece of my soul to a stranger! If you don't think that doesn't happen when you sleep with someone, think again! We hear so much these days about how it was "just sex." No such thing! Take it from me, okay! Don't go out there and find out for yourself! There. is. NO! such. thing. as. just. sex! Why do you think that rape is such a horrible thing! They stole a piece of the person's soul that they raped! The STOLE it! They had absolutely no right! You can get that back if seek God for it. I know this for a fact, too. I've received back a lot of lost dignity, from God (Praise You, Jesus!) but it was painful, I promise you that!

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on that. I know I was repentant of the particular sin that I was involved in when I left Camp Grizzly. That's why I had to leave. I was so SICK over it, I couldn't even stand myself, let alone anyone else! I'm so sick of this issue ruling me, I can hardly stand it! If it raises its ugly head again, I don't know what I'll do, but man, it won't be good! I'm sure it won't. I'm absolutely determined, more than ever, not to let it!!!

But, the drinking thing. Man, I don't know if I'll ever get to where that doesn't appeal to me on so many levels. It's just when I'm so miserable, it just seems like being drunk was so much better. I know it wasn't, that's why I don't do it, but I still dream about it. Oh, man, I hate admitting that to you. Anyone else fantasizing about sin they know they should hate? Or am I completely alone in this?

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 9

Well, I've really whipped through a lot of pages of Beth Moore's devotional journal today. I'm telling you that woman reaches down inside of me and grabs my heart with the questions she asks. She really has a way of getting to the heart of the issue and helping me to see where I don't really believe God. I say I do, but do I really? Do you, really? Are we so good at giving Sunday School answers that we never realize that our hearts haven't caught up? That we don't really believe what we're saying? Right now, I am telling God what I know, but I don't believe and begging Him to help me to believe! Only He can do that. I can learn the information until the day I die, but until it makes it's way into my heart, it won't make a difference in my life. I NEED a difference in my life. I NEED to change, and I can't change myself, I've tried. He has to change me, and I'm choosing to believe that He will.

My Own Personal "Shack"

Well, no pictures for a while. I'm back home in Moscow, Idaho, but no, I'm not available for coffee, prayer, or anything else! Sorry to disappoint but this is me time! God has got my complete and undivided attention and He better take advantage of it! Yes! I'm giving God the ultimatum! I'm dealing with a particular, uncontrollable issue (sin) in my life, that rears its ugly head from time to time, and has for all of my Christian life, and I'm SICK of it!!!!!! I originally went to Celebrate Recovery for exactly this reason almost 6 years ago! I've done Breaking Free by Beth Moore, prayed many scripture prayers over it. Even prayed my own handwritten Psalms as well as prayers from Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit, but no, it still plagues me when I least expect it. So, after having yet another irrational reaction to someone else's sin at Camp Grizzly, I have returned to Moscow and have locked myself in my house, because I just can't deal face-to-face with other homo sapiens right now! Anyway, without further ado, I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to rewrite a segment from my journal this morning for you, so you get the idea of where I'm at right now. I'm quite done hiding. I'm no longer going to hide myself and my struggles, even publicly. I know some others think this is a bad idea, but others not knowing what my triggers are has created a lot of problems. In blogland, at Camp Grizzly, even on facebook, so I'm letting it all out, mostly.

From my journal:
Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life. Whether or not it'll be good remains to be seen. At the end of this time I'll either be free or I'll be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm starting over with the "Looking Up" devotional book I ordered and I'm somehow going to have to get through it in just a little over a month. That's when my family returns from Camp Grizzly. I've never personally read the book, but from what I've heard, I'm feeling a little like the guy in "The Shack." Except I'm not in the mountains (unfortunately), though they're very nearby. I am not void of responsibility. There are way too many peopl, too close to me, in houses on either side of my trailer house. Any of you who've ever lived in or even seen a trailer park can probably picture it! There is definitely too much laundry! And I'm doing product testing right now for one of the survey groups I'm a part of online, so I can't stop doing that in the middle. After all, I did get a free product to test. It's only fair that I do what I said I would. (Oh! Why do I have to be so responsible at a time like this?!) And I have a feeling my husband and kids (who I left at Camp Grizzly) are going to poke their heads in from time to time. God's going to have to keep my landlord away. I really don't like that guy! (Talk about a distraction from my goal!) He's also going to have to keep all Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses away from me! Lord knows we have way more than our fair share of them around here, and I definitely don't want them to catch me in this raw emotional state! That would be bad! Hopefully the Kirby guy won't bother me too much! That's another huge (and rather annoying) distraction, in the middle of my living room! NEVER let those people past the front door!!!!!! Especially when you're about ready to leave for the summer and you just want to shut them up (and have them help you finish cleaning) and get them out of your house! Those people will not take no for an answer, I'm telling you! Again, distractions! More and more distractions! Most of them wanting my money that I don't have!!! Of course, I need to keep all doors and windows shut, so the neighbors don't hear me, so God's going to have to keep it cool in here, also. So, I apologize in advance to all the Idahoans who keep hoping for a real summer, if it stays extremely cold, sometimes dropping down to winter-like temperatures. Entirely my fault! But God's going to have to show up and be undeniably, unbelievably HUGE! I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty skeptical. I'm not sure He's up to the task. This one particular are of continual sin in my life (that's really hard to describe) is so deeply rooted that it seems even He can't get to it! Or He just doesn't want to!

Okay. so I added a few things, but that's basically it! If you hear I got struck by lightning, you know why!

The Last Of The Play Pictures!

I realize that this is a horrible picture, but I wanted you to get an idea of just how small my children's charter school really is! They limit their enrollment to keep it this way, so they can have plenty of one-on-one time for each of the kids. Yet another reason Junior High is probably going to be a total shock to Jeremiah's system next year! All of a sudden all of those now seventh graders that have been going to all of the different elementary school's in Moscow will be converging into one junior high school! Well, some of them will probably go to private schools or to the other charter school, which does include 7th and 8th grades, but you know what I mean. The majority of them. It is tradition that at the end of the play they invite all of the classes to come up on stage together and that's what this is, and they sing one last song together. It's kind of sad that this will be Jeremiah's last year at the charter school. In fact, we realized at the beginning of the year that this is the last year that all of my kids will be in the same school at the same time. I could bawl right now over it, but I'm not going to! I'll wait till the fall when I drop my little man off at the junior high!!! It's quite funny, cause they line the kids up by grades with the kindergartners in front, but you couldn't see my sweet little second grader, cause she's so tiny! All of the much taller 1st graders buried her! She would have fit much better height wise with the kindergartners! Poor Chloe! She had to be tiny like her mama, didn't she!?! She absolutely hates that people think she's much younger than she is! I told her what my mother always told me, even though I didn't believe her at the time! I told her someday she'll appreciate looking younger than her age!!! I definitely do now!!! I love that people look at me and think for sure, I got married right out of high school! Not true, but thank you!!!!! I was actually 22 when I got married, but don't tell my kids! I still tell them I'm 25! They don't believe me! They also are not convinced that I have eyes in the back of my head! Why did I have to have kids that are so much less blonde than me, even though two of them are blonde!!!! This is Jeremiah as an Aztec Ruler. He plays the part so well, don't you think? He looks like he should be a ruler! Certainly not in my home, although he'd like to!!! He made that headdress himself! Are you impressed?!And this is Angela to your left, with very dark clothes on and a very dark backdrop. Not a good combination, but hopefully you can see her! She's supposed to be a Texan. She's wearing a cowboy hat (it's foam. We paid 3 dollars for it at Michael's!) a very western looking vest I bought years ago at a thrift store and figured we'd never have a use for. Angela just liked it, and jeans and cowboy boots! When she first told me she needed a costume for a Texan woman I immediately sat up straight and said, "Okay, somebody get me some bleach and a teasing comb!" My kids immediately rolled their eyes, cause they knew exactly who I was thinking of! When Angela suggested a cowboy hat and cowboy boots (excuse me, cowGIRL hat and CowGIRL boots! She always corrects me on that!) I said, "But I've never seen Beth Moore wear a cowgirl hat or cowgirl boots!" (Yes, I actually did make that gender distinction myself during this conversation! Aren't you proud of me?!) Of course, Chloe wanted to know what a teasing comb was, and when I explained it to her she immediately wanted one!!! Doesn't it just figure that with her super fine, flat hair that you can hardly do anything with she wants big hair in the WORST way! Come to think of it why couldn't she have been the Texas woman?! We could have skipped the first part (the bleach) since she's as blonde as anyone could possibly be already!!! But, no, the whitest kid in school was a slave! Go figure! (Again, not being racist! It's just a fact that slaves in America were black! Get over it! You can't change our history, as ugly as it may be!) Anyway, she did convince me to go with the extremely stereotypical idea of all Texans being cowgirls! Ugh! Besides, it was easier than bleaching her hair and teasing it! Although, that would have been fun!!! Haven't done that since my cowgirl days!! Now, I suppose I'm going to have to tell you about that part of my life someday!!!

Me, Studying? Who Would've Thunk It....

I'm on the family computer tonight, not the one I put my pictures on tonight, so no pictures tonight. You just get me talking. I know, it scares me, too. The pictures are sort of a crutch and a way for me to remember the good times when things are hard. Two weeks ago (I think?) I found some books I've been wanting, but couldn't afford, used on amazon.com. I ordered 2 books, The NIV Exhaustive Concordance and The Expositor's Commentary Volume 10. That's the volume that includes 1 Corinthians, which many of you know, I have been studying at length all year, and will continue doing. I started over at chapter 1 verses 1-3 in the last few weeks. I also finally sat down and read the entire book straight through once, which is what I should have done in the first place. My concordance has arrived, but I'm still waiting on the commentary. That's okay, cause with the method I'm using, you look at commentaries last, so I don't need it yet anyway. I did need the concordance, though. I haven't used it yet, but I'm sure I will soon. I'm also reading a book I had no idea what so rich, that has been on my bookshelf for years! It's called "Systematic Theology" by Wayne Grudem! What inspired all this studying? Why Beth Moore, of course. Who always inspires me, duh? Well, okay, most of the time she's the one who inspires me. She's the one who inspired me to take up writing again, after having been discouraged so much when I was younger from my first love (writing and reading). Well, not so much reading, but the two sort of go together, it seems. I don't know a single writer who doesn't also love to read! Also, she's the one who got me interested in in-depth bible study. Not just the book version, but actually attempting to glean something from the scriptures through intense studying using other resources myself. I never really cared to do that before. In fact, it took an enormous amount of energy to convince myself to even read the bible! Now, I can't get enough!!! I'm hungry for the Word!!! Thanks, Beth Moore! I don't know how you do it, but you do! Anyway, I'm having a blast and I never thought I'd ever be interested in this sort of thing!