Business And Addictions

Have y'all noticed that we can now reply directly to each others comments on here like they do over at WordPress! Such a cool feature! So much easier to find comments someone made to your comment this way, not that it's hard on my blog, but blogger friend's I have who get a lot of comments, it will be soooo much better now! I love it! And I love seeing my replies directly under your comments!!!! That is the one feature that had almost made me want to switch to WordPress, but I don't really know how to do that without losing the things I've written here. I don't want to have to start all over with a totally new URL that I have to send y'all over to and have to bounce back and forth between here and there for a while until my posts over here are irrelevant to my life, which I doubt will ever totally happen if you know what I mean, but you also know what I mean about it not being important enough to look and see if something was said that I need to respond to. There's a certain amount of time I'd need to keep tabs on these posts. I'm also having an issue that the email address this is attached to won't exist in just 8 more days, which I also will not have internet at that point, so you won't hear from me after the ninth until we get hooked back up in Spokane, most likely with Comcast, so my roadrunner account will no longer be. I love gmail and opened up a new gmail account for all of my personal mail (I already had one for business purposes and facebook and twitter and all that that I don't want cluttering my personal email account :)) but since I actually liked it better than my roadrunner webmail I decided to go ahead and go with that. Plus, I can use it wherever I'm at. I won't have to worry about my email being connected directly to my internet provider so I have to change it every time I move or change providers! That's just a pain! I wasn't worried about it here, cause I knew we'd be here awhile and never would leave Time Warner, since they are the only cable provider and cable is by far the best high-speed internet money can buy in my opinion (which is why we'll be with Comcast up there.) We're not on the fastest cable internet, but it's still pretty good. We'd have to pay more for the faster one, which would be worth it, but won't work in our budget. We still stick with cable though, even though it costs a tad more, because we're just that addicted to the internet. Anyway, the problem I found is that you can't attach another google acount to your blog! I really don't want to open up a hotmail account or something just to have a valid email attached to this account, but I may have to. Ugh! Just what I needed, 3 email accounts!

And, of course, the addiction issue brings up it's own problems! I'm going to be like "detoxing" for that few days or maybe even up to a week (Dear God, please no!) I hope Josh is addicted enough to not let that happen, but then he has his iPhone, so he's all wired everywhere he goes anyway! Grrrrrrrr! Yes, I was in withdrawals two summers ago for about 2 weeks at Camp Grizzly, the land that technology forgot! My cell phone didn't work there, no wifi, nothing!!! It was torture! It was totally inhumane!!! My husband fixed it last year and brought our router! Praise God! We've been saved!!! I still haven't decided whether or not I'm going to Camp Grizzly again this year or staying home like I ended up doing last year. I wasn't going to go, but us moving to Spokane changes things a little, and with everything that's happened I'm not sure I should be so far from a recovery group or counseling or whatever I end up doing up there. I've waited so long for something like this to happen so I could actually build a support network, like an actually effective one with people who are available to me for real and understand me! It will be hard to start getting that established and then leave for two months! I just don't know about that. Maybe we'll just see what happens when I get there. We'll have to play it by ear and see where I'm at with that by the time we have to leave for Camp Grizzly about mid-June. Maybe I'll go for awhile and come back sometimes for a week or 2 at a time, or I'll stay and go to Camp Grizzly for a week or two at a time? The nice thing is is that even with me not having wheels that is possible, because someone (usually the business manager) at Camp Grizzly has to drive to Spokane about once a week to turn in some stuff to the main council office so I can catch a ride with whoever is coming that way one way or the other if I make those arrangements ahead of time, so something will work out to where I can spend a little time at our beloved Camp Grizzly at least during the summer! Yay! I was hating the idea that without wheels my choices were the whole summer at Camp Grizzly, or no Camp Grizzly! Normally, I'm an all or nothing girl, except when I like both options :) That's a really bad quality to have by the way, the all or nothing thing. Gets me in trouble a lot! Can't have a spotless house, so why bother cleaning! Can't get straight A's so who cares about school! Why just drink one beer when you can have the whole case! See where this is a problem? Don't give me a piece of pie! I want the pie!!!! The whole darn thing! And yes, I eat like this, which explains why I'm only 5'2" tall and 170 POUNDS!!!! Yikes!! Look on a height weight chart. That's not good! And no, I'm not big boned! If anything I have tiny, skinny little bones. You should see my arms! They're tiny!!!

Anyway, back to "detoxing." Whether it be physical or emotional I've had to "detox" from so many things in my life it's not even funny!!! As my friend Christie would say anything I try it's been "ismed." Alcoholism, chocoholism, you get the idea! I'm an addict to the core of my being! I'm obsessive to the max! Ask Josh, me "detoxing" is a pain! The one he probably remembers more than any other is the one thing I actually stuck with long enough to become physically addicted. I really never drank consistently enough to have to physically detox from alcohol. Well, okay, I always got a little bit of a headache after a few days, but that's about it. Not even a super bad headache. Nothing a little ibuprofen couldn't handle and me be completely function. And you're not allowed to laugh when I tell you what it was :) Okay, you can if you want but you can't make fun of me, that's the rule! It was Pepsi! Yes, I tried to slowly drop one 12 oz of Pepsi a day, and finally got down to one a day, which I kept trying to drop, but I'd get this horrible headache that would make me nauseous and EXTREMELY CRABBY!!! Somebody suggested I drink half a Pepsi and dump the rest! What?! Are you stinkin' kidding!!!!!! No way! That's precious fluid! I just couldn't do it!!! So, I finally decided I just had to drop that last soda cold turkey and deal with it! I literally laid in bed moaning and clutching my stomach for 3 days like a heroin addict!!!! I'm not kidding!!!! It was ridiculous! At one point Josh said screw it, I'm going to get you a soda! I practically attacked him! I don't know where I got the strength! I cried desperately, "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME! We'll just end up back here doing THIS all over again! I'm not doing this AGAIN! I HAVE TO DO THIS!" So, he didn't, but he and the kids went to his mom's house cause no one could stand me for another second! So, yes, I ended up doing that all by myself! I have no doubt now that if I had to and really wanted to do that for alcohol I could. So far I've never had to, like I said. I drank in such short binges that while I'm psychologically addicted I never got super addicted like that physically. Not to alcohol. It's still weird to me that I did that with Pepsi of all things when I didn't do that with alcohol or marijuana or cigarettes!!! Totally nuts! I'm pretty sure I'd do that without internet! Haha!!! Let's not find out, okay? Deal? Thank you. This is one of those addictions I have no intention of recovering from. That, studying God's Word (ummmmm, no stinkin' way!), coffee, and.....I'm not sure what else. I'll have to get back to you on that. :) I'm sure I have zillions I'm unaware of! After all, I'm just an addictive personality!! The funny thing about the Pepsi thing is years earlier Josh had joked that I would be the founder of Pepsiholics Anonymous one day. Hmmmm, maybe I should start this in Spokane :)

So, I will be emotionally a wreck while madly cleaning, packing all the last minute things and all those last 3 days since I won't be able to contact any of you! I threw out all my phone numbers without realizing it! Yikes! Moving mishaps, I guess. These things happen. Also, an emotional wreck while trying to move IN! Yikes! This is going to be scary!!!! Picture me with a look of terror right now. Yes, that's right. Just like that :) So how are all of you?

The Pain Is Too Much

Well, it's been quite a week. Yes, I've allowed Angela to live. I'm sure you're all happy to know that. And I'm pretty sure you all knew that I would. Still frustrated, still fighting with her often, still trying to convince her that, yes, sometimes life is hard, but you got to do what you got to do, and if it requires you to work a little harder than you were hoping to have to.....ummm,sorry, we've all been there. You're just going to have to work that much harder. What really sucked is, this week is Missoula Children's Theatre, and yes, we did decide that she has been working very hard to try to get her grades up, and yes, she could do MCT. For crying out loud it only comes once a year! It was going to break my heart to have to tell her no and I'm not sure I could've done. So, obviously, that's not the part that sucks. When she came home yesterday evening I expected her to be in a rush to get fed to get back to rehearsals. She wasn't in a hurry at all. In fact, she'd already been to Wendy's with our friend, Holly, and her daughter (Angela's friend) Maggie, who she did the tryouts with and carpooled with last year as well. Turns out the reason Holly took them to Wendy's is she picked up two heartbroken little girls from tryouts. Neither of them got a part. I guess they had some very young, college age girls running the tryouts. They didn't pick most of the people who were in the play last year, even those, like my daughter, who had leading rolls last year. Being the stubborn, hard-headed child that she is, Angela made it a point to give them a piece of her mind, which as you know, can get pretty ugly. She wasn't happy because she said they laughed at her. I wasn't happy either, and when she told me some of the other very talented kids that didn't get parts (who I've worked with in the past volunteering at the school) who've ALWAYS gotten parts in the past, I was shocked. I told her not to worry to much about it, because obviously this particular group, unlike the group last year, doesn't know talent when they see it! I don't want to hear any talk about how I might be biased, but I'm going to tell you right now, that besides my own daughter, I know a few other very talented little girls who will not be in the MCT production here in Moscow this year. I also know of at least one, who will be, who I would've never picked in a million years...just sayin....and there I might be a bit biased too, because this little girl isn't very nice to my little girl :) Do you ever find that interesting, how you can absolutely despise an 11 year old child, because they don't like your kid? I distinctly remember the first time that I discovered that I have retractable claws and fangs that I have absolutely no control over. They instantly appear the moment I sense that one of my children is being threatened in any way!!! It didn't surprise me that I was very protective of them with adults that I sensed didn't like them, but the first time my five year old boy came from home from kindergarten in tears and I had an almostly overwhelming urge to kill another child with my bare hands (you will be happy that I reminded myself that I can't protect him from prison, so I resisted) I was in total shock! How does this happen?! All I have to say is if you're in my presence and you say anything derogatory about or towards one of my children, I am not responsible for what might happen to you! I have no control. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Now, onto another topic. Alcoholism! It continues to prove itself to me that I'm not cured and probably never will be. I still want to run for that bottle anytime I'm upset, stressed, angry, whatever. I've had a lot of stuff stirred up in me through reading Beth Moore's sister, Gay's, story on the LPM blog. She has helped me to see that alcoholism really is an incurable disease that I cannot control. Thankfully I know someOne who can :) Not that that keeps me from struggling. Between that, my own desire to seem genuine, the stress of moving, the loneliness of not having an accountability team where I'm at right now and not knowing how long it will take to get that established in Spokane, and just plain not having anyone safe to talk to about all this stuff one on one, plus Changes That Heal, plus Breaking Free, is stirring up so much pain from my life that I have not dealt with, that it is absolutely making me want to run straight for the bottle. Why that? Why not cheesecake? Why not ice cream? Why alcohol? Well, too be honest with you, as great as those things are, they just don't have the power to anesthetize the pain that alcohol does, and being a rule follower, I don't like to break the law, so illegal drugs are not an option. I want alcohol and I want it now. What's really making me mad is I have to walk to go get it. I don't have a car, and my husband's being a real pain, telling me I don't need it. What is up with that! And to be honest with you, some of the pain that's been stirring up, relates to him, too. He's ignored some things, chosen not to set boundaries, where I think he should. I feel unprotected and I feel my children are unprotected by him, so I'm a little irritated with him. For not understanding, even though I understand it's hard to understand me. It's hard even for other alcoholics to understand me. I'm kind of weird, you know. I'm more of afraid of getting caught than anything else. I don't want any of the people from AA or CR to see me with alcohol! I honestly don't care if I drink. I know that's terrible. I wish nobody cared. I wish I had never told anyone how much I love to drink so I could just drink and everybody would leave me alone. I feel like a fake, cause I've been dry, but not really sober. I want to drink. I want to throw in the towel and say who cares? I want to for so many reasons I can't share here! But I've been dry for 18 months outside of any recovery program. I don't have a counselor. I don't have a sponsor. I don't have any accountability partners. I've tried to establish those in the past, but no one's been consistent with me. I know one who would have been, but I don't think she really gets it. She's not an alcoholic, she didn't grow up in an abusive home, she has never, that I'm aware of, been physically or sexually abused. She has no idea what that's like. I need someone who has a clue about these things and is completely non-judgmental, totally accepting of me right where I'm at, and will love me no matter what. Even if I screw up sometimes. Even if I screw up a lot. Cause to be honest with you, telling me how I should feel or what I should think has not helped me. If I could do that, just instantly change how I think and how I feel without talking through things, I'd have done it a long time ago! I know God's Word. That's the frustrating thing. I'm in it daily! I've been in it fairly consistently all of my believing life, which is almost 17 years!!! What I'm wanting to do is have one last binge and then go to a meeting, cause then it feels real! Right now it doesn't feel real at all. Nothing about me feels real. I don't seem like a genuine alcoholic. I never drank enough, consistently enough. I don't feel like a real Christian, cause I'm obsessing over things I know are wrong. I don't even feel like a real abuse victim, because others have been abused much more violently than I have. So, my parents said some mean things to me and they didn't give me the love I needed. They didn't listen to me or care how I felt. Yeah, my dad hit me sometimes, but never with a closed fists and never left a mark on me. At least not that I ever noticed. I was kinda trying to hard to avoid him and just about everyone else who might hurt me, to notice. And yeah, I was sexually assaulted, but I was never all out raped. What am I whining about anyway. Get over it, Shellie. It's not that bad....and yet, that doesn't work for me. I hurt. I feel neglected. I feel abused. I'm scared of people. I'm afraid that they're going to tell me my parents were right. I am hopeless. I am stupid. I can't do anything right. And I've sort of gotten that, maybe not in those exact words, from people who were supposed to help me. People who were supposed to love me. That I can't really have a relationship with God and know what I'm hearing from Him, because I'm not smart enough. I can't know my own heart, cause I'm not smart enough, so I can't possibly know what He's calling me to do. I can't know these things for myself. I need others to tell me what to do. I need to stop caring what I do or what kind of things I'm interested in. I'm not supposed to have interests. I'm not supposed to have desires for my own life. I'm supposed to stay home and only care for my family and do what my husband tells me to do. And, oh, my gosh, how dare he suggest I think about what I want! I'm not supposed to want anything! I'm not supposed to be my own person! I feel guilty for liking to write. I feel guilty for wanting friends. I feel guilty for wanting help! Why should I feel guilty about these things? Because others have told me they're sins. Others have told me I can't have desires apart from caring for my family. Others have told me I don't deserve better. After all, I deserve what Jesus got, and I get that, but I NEED more than that. And I think God understands that, which is why he let Jesus take my punishment so I wouldn't have to. So, all I'm asking is that people quit hurting me. I'm tired of being hurt. Is that too much to ask? I wish somebody would just hug me and tell me it's okay to hurt, that it's okay to cry and let me cry on their shoulder, maybe, just a little. And tell me that they're sorry that all that stuff happened to me, instead of just telling me to get over it. If I could I would, but it's not that simple. Very few people seem to understand that and they're not in a place where they're able to spend time with me and help me. Also, I know that I have this anxiety issue that causes me to choke up and not be able to speak. I'm terrified of people. I'm terrified to tell them of my pain. To be really real with them. I'm not sure I can, but I need to. And I need someone who understands that too, someone who has the time and the patience to sit there and wait until I figure out what words I can used to describe what I'm going through, and wait also, for me to get up the nerve to say what's going through my head, out loud. That's going to take a very patient person. I'm not sure such a person exists. Cause I'm scared of all of you. I may not seem like it in person, but notice how personal, how real I get with you? Not very. I'm scared how you'll react to the real me when I'm right in front of you.

How God Uses Writing To Help Me On My Journey

You know what I love?! Well, anyone who reads this blog, because I adore "talking" which is only fun if someone is "listening" and it just pleases me so much that anyone would want to "listen" to all of my rambling!:) BUT, what I really love is how God uses something I thought was meant to minister to someone else to minister to ME!!! I was told almost a year ago that I should write a book after telling a funny story about something one of my kids had done or I had done or whatever! I don't remember what the story was about, just that it was funny. (I love funny!) I told this friend that I already had written a book that I was then doing more research on and rewriting. I told her "It's a devotional book written from my study of 1 Corinthians."

She said, "No, that's not the book you should be writing. You should write a book about your life."

I replied, incredulously, "My life! Why write a book about my life? Nobody would want to read that! My life is boring!"

She said, "Uhhhhhhh, nooooo, it's not. You're life is fascinating, the things you've experienced, the things your kids say and do. You are always telling funny stories that actually have happened in your life, just like that one. You should write a book telling all those funny stories and other stories from your life of things you've experienced that may not be funny but they're interesting."

I had always been afraid to write my life story, though I'd thought about it, and been told that I should before. Not because of anything positive in my life, but because of my pain. People thought, as much as I love to write, that maybe writing it would be healing for me and possibly someday be able to help someone else. I was waiting for the healing I'd been desperately seeking to occur before I did that, but I decided then that I would put my 1 Corinthians project aside and began writing about my life. Yes, I was still in a lot of pain, but just cause I wrote it didn't mean I had to let anyone else read it! I could just hang onto, possibly editting it later to shine a more positive light on all that had happened to me. So, I began at the beginning talking about my birth, and all of the drama surrounding that. (Yes, it's dramatic when you enter the world with a cataract over your left eye and blind in that eye, and having glaucoma!) I asked God to show me what He wanted me to write. What stories I needed to tell. I've found out that even in those early years of hospital stays and abuse, that my life wasn't just painful. I remembered some really fun and interesting things, like my first horse show when I was five years old where I won a blue ribbon :) It HAS been incredibly healing for me, but not just because I'm "getting out" all the old baggage that has hurt me for years, though, consciously, I try not to even think about it and am usually successful, but this never-ending ache continues on. I'm not saying I don't still hurt; that I don't still need help from God and others to deal with the painful things. It's just neat to see all of the wonderful experiences i had mixed in with that. It's a relief to know that God had good things in my life, even then, when I didn't know Him and didn't want to. He was there even when I rejected Him. He was there in the time I spent with the horses and other animals on the farm. He was there in the times I did participate in sports and not do a sickeningly horrible job. He was there, keeping me sane through it all. He gave me people every now and again who were nice to me and he gave me people who were fun and wanted to have fun with me. No, I didn't have anyone I could call a close friend. I never learned how to talk things through, something I'm still learning; how to share my pain. I'm still not good at it and it feels awkward and weird and the words never come out right. I wish people understood more. I wish I understood more. But God let me have some fun, even while most of the authority figures in my life were only hurting me. I'm still scared to talk about that things that hurt, cause so many have used those very things against me. People I should have been able to trust. I already had trust issues and then they added more. I'm struggling right now and have hardly slept in days. I can feel the bags under my eyes, and they're burning as I toss and turn at night with all the memories that I can't quite come to terms with. I'm so tired and my head hurts. I threw out my neck and apparently hips and back at some point last week, so at times I can't even move my head without excruciating pain. I went to the chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment since I could hardly turn my head at all. It still hurt after he adjusted me and I still didn't have full range of motion. I'm almost back to full range today, but will need to go back in again tomorrow to get adjusted again. So, yes, I'm struggling, but God is so good to me and has helped me remember the good times, too! He's used an old "friend" from my growing up years to help with that. I love her so much and wish we could spend time together in person, but she lives in another town and we both have very busy lives, each with three kids and a husband, and she is a working mom, which I can't even imagine the pressure of! Yet, she stays so positive even when she sometimes gets overwhelmed. Don't we all! Love you, Jenny! And I'm just so glad for all the good that I see in my life!!! God is good and He will and most likely, IS healing me, even if I can't see it right now.

What An Amazing God!

I must admit sometimes it's a comment from one of you that prompts me a little. It's so hard sometimes, because I have so many things on my heart all at the same time. It's moments like these that I realize that despite everything, my past, the years I spent shoving every substance down my throat or into my lungs that I could get my hands on to numb the pain, all of it. Despite all of it and how hard I tried to self-destruct, my life is truly amazing and a miracle from God!!! Call it what you want, but I KNOW who dug me out of addiction! No one but God could have done that! By the time I came to Christ in college when I was stoned all I could think about was where my next joint was coming from. It kills me to think where I might have gone next if God hadn't grabbed my heart that fall of 1995! I do remember asking people about Crack-Cocaine at that time and inquiring as to what that was like *cringe* Clearly I was getting to a point where the lighter drugs were not doing it for me anymore. Thank You, JESUS for sending exactly the people I needed at that time to show me (not just tell me) that there's a very real God who LOVES me!!!! I'm a very tangible, hands on kind of person! Words alone don't do it for me (although obviously I love words!). I need you to prove it to me. I think most of us do. Especially after all I had been through. I had heard the words "I love you" more than I like to think about, but really they only loved my body and what I could do for them! Prove it! Prove to me that you mean what you say! It's amazing to me how many tangible ways God has shown me that He loves me. He first loved me through the father-figure, Dave, taking an interest in me, even when he knew about the drugs and the promiscuous behavior!

What an amazing God!

Then, he introduced me to Josh Paparazzo! He's used that man more in my life than you could ever know or understand! From the moment I almost called off our wedding, because I feared being in a sexual relationship again. He told me the wedding night wasn't that important. That if I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. He wouldn't push me. We'd take as long as I needed and he'd be gentle. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, even if we never consummated our marriage!

What an amazing God!

(Obviously we consummated our marriage :))

Then, through my children! I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up feeling so down on myself, and my sweet toddler at the time and morning girl (Ugh! Those people oughtta be shot! jk) would climb into bed next to me, run her fingers through my hair and say, "Mommy, you're the most beautiful Mommy in the whole world!" And she meant it! She even challenged our neighbors to disagree with her! She'd go up to them with her hands on her hips and say matter-of-factly, "My mommy's the most beautiful mommy in the whole world!" And I mean, she was dramatic about it, like she was just daring them to try and disagree with her! I was the most beautiful (the fairest in the land) and no way was she wrong! I'm pretty sure she believes it to this day! That was my middle child, Angela.

What an amazing God!

My children grew and eventually, one by one each came to know Christ and was baptized! My son, who loves God's Word, almost as much as I do (Reading and hearing God's Word was the first time I can recall being told that I was anything other than a total loser. Oh, some never said anything really bad about me, but not super good, either!) was doing a bible study on his own that he had won at a VBS and he came up to me one day and said, "Mom, I have an assignment for my bible study. I'm supposed to thank one person who influenced my life for Christ, so mom, thank you for teaching me to love Jesus." It may have been an assignment, but I knew he meant it and I nearly bawled. That was around the same time that my daughter Angela had decided she wanted to be baptized and on the day she was baptized our pastor came up to me and said, "I just wanted you to know that when Angela and I met she told me some really wonderful things she learned from her mother." This was truly too much for me. How could this messed up, alcoholic mama ever have taught her children anything of the Lord? He was amazed at her understanding and knowledge of scripture.

What an amazing God!

And then, Chloe came into my life at a time when I'd completely given up hope on ever being a good mother. I was just going through the motions, trying to get through. Had given up trying to kill myself or get healed. I was just doing what I had to do. When I found out I was pregnant I was so mad at God. We weren't planning on having a third at that time. I asked God why he was giving me this child. Wasn't it bad enough I was already screwing up two? Why did He want to give me a third to mess up? Chloe was such an easy baby and she even made caring for the other two easier. I can't really explain how she did, but she did. I remember one day about a week after she'd come home from the hospital, right after doing the assembly line, changing all 3 of them, cause they had poopy diapers at the same time (wasn't that convenient), that I was doing this mom thing and I was doing a good job. A wonderful feeling came over me that I had not felt in a long time. I had no idea, but Chloe was a gift to me. I always thought that God gave children to parents, because those children needed that parent, but this parent needed that child!

What an amazing God!

As if that weren't enough she grew to be the biggest sanguine you've ever met in your life! If you look up the word sanguine you'll see a picture of Chloe's face right next to it! She IS the definition of sanguine! She and Angela are still the biggest cheerleaders I have! (Big for short people anyway :)) She bounces around and laughs and smiles all day long. She's really hard to be depressed around! Sometimes when it gets really bad, even she can't make me smile. In fact, she irritates me, but generally, she makes me smile, and sometimes even laugh almost every day!

What an amazing God!

My son is brilliant and he loves his mama with all his heart! Even at 13 years of age he still hugs me in public! He tells his friend's he's mama's boy and he's proud of it!

What an amazing God!

My husband has stood by me for almost 15 years of some of the worst times I've ever seen and he still has eyes for not another woman. I'm telling you he doesn't even notice other women. No, I'm not kidding. We were at a restaurant once and a woman walked by that I swear looked like she'd just stepped off the cover of a magazine, and I said, "Wow! Did you see that lady? She was stunning!" I seriously wouldn't have blamed him for noticing. He's married, he's not blind! I notice good-looking guys when I see them sometimes. But he said, "What lady?" He was serious. He had no clue what I was talking about. I then knew that the man with the visions who told me that he had a vision about my husband and did I know that Josh is so incredibly faithful to me that he doesn't even notice other women. He only sees me. I seriously have the man who only has eyes for one, and that's me.

What an amazing God!

As if His dying on the cross weren't enough, He did all this for me! And I'm sure if I really thought about it I could go on and on and on! This move, our house selling right away, my car selling, us finding a great house, so quickly. I'm shaking my head right now.

What an amazing God!

What We Call Ourselves

Okay, I was just looking through my notes from that week that stuff was just leaping off the page at me, and most of it, I feel was just for me, so I won't be sharing it on here. I'm not real sure you'd get it anyway :) He is a very personal God that way, which is exactly the way I like Him....Well, most of the time. You know, sometimes when He gets up in my business I don't like it too much, but it's always for my best, so yeah, that's the way I like Him. I did think a lot about names and how they affect us. How we tend to live out what we are called even if it's a lie. I have found this to be true. My pastor has been teaching from the book of John and if I remember correctly it was John who referred to Himself as the "disciple whom Jesus loved." I was thinking and even wrote down in my notes, how much more we would trust Him, if we all thought of ourselves that way. Cause really, I'm the disciple that Jesus loves, and so are you. We all are!! So, why don't we think that way about ourselves and talk that way about ourselves? I think it starts out as something we feel would be too prideful, so we don't say it or write it, or however we communicate, we don't communicate to others that we are loved by Jesus. We say "Jesus loves YOU" but how often do we say "Jesus loves me." Not often, and I think we need to. I don't think it's arrogant to say that I'm the disciple Jesus loves. Other people might, but I think it's honest. He does. In all my imperfection, all my failures, all my sin, Jesus loves ME! Totally and completely. Pastor talked a few weeks ago about how labels define us, even when we don't want them, too. Oh, how I know that to be true! I was labelled, "stupid", "ugly", "lazy", "a failure", and all sorts of other things and I've believed them and proved them over and over again. I'm trying to replace those old lies with God's Truth. I'm trying to believe what He says about me. I'm saying His Truth from His Word out loud. I'm memorizing His Word (or trying to anyway) and studying it. Recently on Twitter, one of my followers said that I had "strength and beauty in my God", when trying to suggest people to follow. I did a double take. Wait, did that say @shellpaparazzo (my twitter name)? Why, yes, it did! What did she just call me. I went to bed that night with the thought in my head, "I am strong and beautiful," and I smiled! If my toe wasn't hurting so badly, I probably would have actually slept as well! I felt such peace and love thinking of myself that way. Did I feel arrogant? Not at all!!! I know I didn't come by strength and beauty on my own! God gave them to me! No effort of mine made me that way. I believe that in the time that person started following me, I had begun to express strength and beauty even on twitter, as God has been transforming my mind and changing my heart! I love Him so much! And I am so grateful! There is no way I would be anywhere or be able to do anything without Him! I know that to the depth of my being! I know who I was when He found me better than anyone does, and trust me when I tell you, I believe in miracles, because I AM ONE!! No doubt about it! Now, I hope this blog post can be followed somewhat. I know I mostly just spit out my thoughts! Final thought (although I think I might have mentioned it earlier): I LOVE JESUS!!!!!

Peter Walking On The Water

Okay, not quite as late being on here as I have been in the past, so we're going to try to write a real post this time. I wanted to talk to you about Peter walking on the water, so let's see if I can gather my thoughts. First, I have to get out my bible! Ha! That would help!!!

Matthew 14:25-32
During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

This is the passage I was telling you about a few weeks ago that hit me in a new way. Read this so many times, as I know many of you have as well, but something hit me that never hit me before. Now, as many of you know, I'm doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free book, not the workbook, just the book, right now. Yes, I said I'm doing it, almost as though it were a bible study, and not just a book. Sort of doing it in my own way and sometimes I go back and read a chapter or two or three over again and look up many of the scriptures again! For instance, this is actually in chapter 7 of her book, and I am currently back in chapter 5 again! I know, I'm weird! I have referred to my workbook, Breaking Free, that I did years ago, from time to time as well. In the book, Mrs. Moore talks about how the storm continues as Peter walks out onto the water, that Jesus doesn't calm the storm until after they're back in the boat, and that He may not always calm our storms either, but ask us to trust Him in the midst of the storm(loosely translated, I believe that's sort of what she was getting at.) The chapter is on enjoying the presence of God and so she was emphasizing that while we might not enjoy the storm, we can enjoy His presence in the midst of the storm, but even though that was the emphasis she was taking and yes, it did resonate with me, something else about that passage hit me that she didn't emphasize. I believe God emphasized it for me! This was particularly important to me in my situation.

As you all know, I have struggled with depression almost all of my life, and the part that really jumped out at me was when Peter cried out and Jesus "reached out his hand and caught him." This just made my heart squeeze again. Even just a minute ago when I wrote that it grabbed my heart once again, and made me love Jesus even more! I just can't get over it! I'm telling you, this was HUGE to me, and I bet you're wishing I would just hurry up and tell you instead of just telling you that it meant a lot to me. I thought about the fact that Peter doubted. I've often thought that when I doubted God in the midst of depression that He would just let me drown, but no! Peter doubted, and when he cried out to Jesus, even while doubting, "Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Do you see where I'm going with this!!! I would have expected Him to be like, "Well, since you doubted I'm just going to let you drown!" But that's NOT what Jesus did! First He "reached out his hand...." Oh, how those words right there just grab me every time!!! When, I cry for Him, even when I doubt His ability to rescue me, to heal me, or His desire to do so, He will still reach back for me, and save me! He won't let me drown in depression! As long as I keep crying out to Him, no matter how weak my faith is, He'll reach back every single time! He rescued him and only then did He ask him why he had doubted! And he only asked him once. He didn't lecture. I love that about God. I don't think He has ever lectured me! Pastors have lectured me, counselors have lectured me, my parents (of course: insert eye roll) have lectured me, my husband may have even lectured me a time or two, but God never has!!! He doesn't need to. He knows I'm either listening or I'm not. No point in lecturing, because after all, I will just roll my eyes. I'll admit it. I'm not much less rebellious than I was as a teenager with my parents. (I can't believe I just admitted that!) I felt like God whispered sweetly to me, while holding me in His arms at that very moment, that I read that and said, "My Child. I'm. Not. Going. To let you drown!" He's not. He's going to reach back, every single time that I cry out to Him in fear that I'm going to drown. Then we'll work on increasing my faith. But only after He catches me. Oh, I love Him soooooo much! Have I mentioned that! He is My Jesus! And I wish I could say that I'll never doubt Him again, but I probably will, and He'll reach out and catch me....again!!!

Revisiting My Priorities

Wow! It's been more than a week! That is sooo sad!:( My priorities have been so screwed up lately, but I'm getting them straightened out again, as God is showing me that the times I don't spend in His Word, for the longest, are the times that my issues seem to take complete control. They're always there to test me, but they don't get the full blown control until I fail to prioritize my time with Him. That's all for now. I swear, one of these days I really will give you a real blog post!

The Teacher In Me Is About To Burst!

Ya'll! I have had the neatest week in so many ways! I wish I could tell you all about it, but there's just no way!!! I went to church last Sunday for the first time in a long time! Pastor Kim preached an amazing sermon! I still think he should stick to teaching and leave the counseling to others, but don't think the situation is entirely his fault. I do not like the way this counseling group teaches them to counsel people!!! Also, while he was preaching I had some really amazing thoughts based on the passages he read that had very little to absolutely nothing to do with what he was actually preaching on!!! Weird how that happens! I swear I could have taught two whole other lessons on what popped into my head. It resonated so much with me that I jotted down some notes for a possible future blog post on it! I'd do it now, but ya'll it's after 11 at night! It happened again while I was reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore. In a passage she was teaching from something else entirely different, but related very much to my particular bondage, just sort of popped out at me. It wasn't something she had emphasized in her writing, but it hit me and it has been brewing in my brain most of the afternoon! It so relates to my situation and that is one I will definitely be blogging about! Just to give you a head's up, it came from the passage where Peter walks on the water. I know! A passage most of us have read like a zillion times and I'd never thought about it like this before!!!! I love how God does that with His Word! LIVING Word, no doubt!!!! Love it! Anyway, I just thought I'd say hey, before I check out for the night. Let ya'll know I'm still here!

Scripture Memory And Spiritual Warfare: One Is Absolutely Essential To Be Effective In The Other!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! It is scripture memory day on Beth Moore's blog and I've been so distracted by the short, goofy people that I haven't even looked at the verses I've noted to be possibly what I should be memorizing right now, to see which one God would have me memorize and meditate on for this 15 days or so. God is using this in incredible ways in my life. He's been so good to bring the memory verse I've been working on from Romans 8 verses 38 and 39 at times when Satan has been messing with me in the very intense spiritual attack that I have been under for a while. Or was under. I feel that it has lifted from me, somewhat, at this point, with my family here and all, but in the quiet moments, even though I am happy that they are home, and hopeful at what God is doing in my life, I can still often feel a slight ache in my soul that lets me know there is still healing that needs to happen there. But He is faithful and He will continue to be faithful to me! So sure of my standing with Him right now that it's brought joy in my pain that I didn't even know was possible!!! Anyway, those verses have helped me combat the Enemy so many times, and just saying His Name! Outloud and in all caps on twitter and my blog and, I think that's about it, but wherever I happen to be and whatever I happen to be doing I am getting to experience for the first time really, just how much POWER there is, just in the name of JESUS! Whenever Satan attacks I try to do one of those two things and also just to cry out to God for His healing and His Truth in my life. I am getting to love Him more and more, so I'm thinking at this point in time, it is so worth it, to go through this, if it's what it takes to really have Him as my all in all! And to know that, to the depth of my soul, that He is everything and nothing and no one else will satisfy quite like He will! Not even my husband and children and yet He's let them into my life, as my responsibility, yes, but also, to enjoy! And I am!!!! They are no longer a burden to me! It is my pleasure to serve them in anyway I can at this point in time!!!

But the verses! Scripture memory is sooooo important! Even if you think (or know) that you can't really memorize the verses word for word, just picking some to put on note cards and carry with you and meditate on throughout your day or days is extremely helpful. You can just pull that card out of your pocket or wherever and say it, out loud, when the Enemy comes at you with lies that you know are lies, because they are not consistent with God's Word! We must know His Word! That's why He gave it to us, and I have to admit, I have a hard time maintaining a lot of memory verses. I usually can only recall the one that I'm working on currently without lots of hints and things about what the verse is dealing with or what word it starts with, or something like that. I do struggle with scripture memory, but I press on, and trust Him to use that working on those in my life, anyway! Even if next month I can't recall the verse I'm memoriaing now. It's in there, somewhere, because His Word does not return void. Another verse that's in my head somewhere, though I can't recall the reference, again. But the important thing is, I know God's truth, even if I don't know exactly where it is in the bible. I know it's there, cause He's taught it to me, and I can always look it up, when in doubt! That's what bible concordances are for!

When I can't seem to focus on the truth, because the battle is just that FIERCE at times, He's been faithful to let others see it and enter the battle with me, and say "Shellie, that's a lie from the pit of hell!" And they'll tell me, say His Name, out loud right now, or whatever it is I need to hear and whatever it takes to help me get back on track! So thankful for the Body of Christ, as well! But if not for Christ Himself, there would be no Body, so He is the head! He is my Refuge and my Healer!

My "Shack" Has Been Invaded

I would say that it's been invaded by aliens, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate. It's been invaded by the short, goofy people that I gave birth, too, which really, aliens....short, goofy people I gave birth, too....kind of the same thing really:) And, of course, my husband...the love of my life! Well, really, JESUS is the absolute, complete and total love of my life, but Josh is pretty amazing. He came home a very different man than the one that I left at Camp Grizzly...or maybe he's not and I'm just a different woman than the one that left him. I sure hope so! Or best case scenario: it could be both. He may have grown out there with the kids, while I grew here by myself. I sure hope I grew in this last month. It was a total waste if I didn't! I don't think it was wasted though! Have I ever learned something about the INTENSITY of spiritual warfare when you are seriously being attacked by the Enemy over strongholds you've had for years!!!! I let Satan keep a stronghold in my life that I had before I came to know Christ, for all of these years, and I didn't really even fully realize it, or how much he wanted to hurt me with it, until this last week! I really didn't think I'd make it....and without the friends that God has provided in the Body of Christ, I'm positive I wouldn't have, because I would not have recognized it as a battle with the Enemy. It's hard to hang on when the shouting of the Enemy is so loud, you can't discern the Voice of God, for the life of you, without someone urging you back to the truth that you know we have in Him! I'm learning to cry out to JESUS on a whole new level than I ever knew before. I'm a little concerned with my kids here now, that I won't be able to cry like I need to over the pain and fears from my childhood. I am praying that when it is appropriate that God will help me to grieve in the way I need to. I know that He will use this in my kids lives, also, because He's just that Good :) Oh, man, is He ever, and my husband and I are enjoying sweet fellowship with each other, in the way that He designed that to happen. I know we will continue to have our struggles and our hardships, but I am choosing the Rock, for the rest of my life! From now on, when the winds blow and the earth quakes, I will remain steadfast and true to my God! Now, is that easier said than done? OH, Yeah! And, I'm sure, I will stumble from time to time, but I will get back up and keep going, keep fighting.

As far as the counseling situation goes, I have a few options, and I will be praying and seeking to see what the Lord would provide for me in that area. I've been receiving advice from some godly friends and mentors and considering my options and we will talk about that later. But for now, "rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!" Not going to look up that scripture reference right now, but trust me, it's in there :)

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 21

Wow! Was that really only two days ago!? It feels like forever ago, probably because I've continued to be under intense spiritual warfare, mixed with, what I feel, are personal attacks on me, but I'm sure the people who've done this are well meaning people who just do not understand the sort of, formal, and yet not formal, odd relationship that I have developped with Living Proof Ministries over the years. It's been a hard couple of days. I ended up, in great pain, and feeling deeply misunderstood, and feeling like I'd been alone too long, and needing some support, I facebooked my friend, and counselor in training, Shari. I was very happy to see her, yet, I don't know, maybe she was having a hard day at work, but she didn't seem as warm and tender as usual. She was all business. Which for about a half hour before she came I was battling the fear of having to share some very painful things with her that were hard for me, because I care too much, what she thinks of me(which we talked about) and I was shaking and praying while folding clothes (cause since I was jittery I needed something to do.) If she'd been slightly later, I had so much adrenaline running through my body, I might have had the entire house cleaned within an hour!!!! Even the bathtubs scrubbed! It was kind of interesting! Fear can cause a few good things to happen I guess. But I was waiting and couldn't get into any bible reading or anything, because then I'd be upset when I got interrupted. I NEVER get upset when you interrupt housework!!! Please DO :) I was feeling a lot of pain from my childhood and was going to share some of that with her. I started quoting my current memory verse for SSMT (check Beth Moore's blog if you're curious as to what that is). I was very nervous and wanted to share this with her right away, but as I was taking a breath, trying to get up the nerve, she asked me a question, that was a little less painful for me, but related, so I jumped on it. She wanted to know what happened at Camp Grizzly, so we went into that which eventually did lead into the painful memory, that really now that I think about it, only cropped up, two days ago, so yes, the pain is very fresh. I remembered it before, but I don't think I fully understood it, and God showed me how it had effected me in how I respond to people now, so I knew I needed to deal with the healing process of that loss of relationship with my parents when I was a child, and being afraid of them, because they hurt me most of the time, and did not give me the emotional comfort and love and acceptance that I needed. However, she asked me if I had forgiven my parents, and I said, yes, I'm pretty sure I have. And then, she asked if I had grieved that loss. And I don't think I really had thought of it as grieving what I was doing, and I was nervous, because I had not anticipated this question, and I think I said yes initially because I really would rather she not talk to me about that. Cause again, painful, fear, all of that....but I hadn't grieved that. That's what I'm doing now. I felt like I needed to get over my fear of letting others see my pain in person, up close and personal, and I was trying to overcome that by inviting her in, but because I basically dodged the question, and even lied to her about it, sort of, unconsciously, but I did. Thank you, God. I need to repent of that. So, she moved on to me needing to go an apologize for my wrong to the person at Camp Grizzly, who I ran away from, basically, instead of dealing with, and that was a pride issue partially, because I also didn't want her to see my pain over this issue. I didn't want to cry in front of her, because she used some words that my parents often used against me, and she wasn't necessarily attacking me, personally, but I took it that way (yet another problem I need to deal with, but one at a time...patience, Shellie) and as you can imagine with the pain that I was already dealing with inside myself, that was overwhelming. I knew she was right, but because I really hadn't grieved that memory, I wasn't ready for it. She did not know this so she was rather harsh to my very injured soul, which had I have grieved I needed, but again, that was my fault. I felt sort of shut down at that point and was too scared to confront or even speak to the pain that I was feeling any more. I started to feel tears coming on, but that's when she would interject to tell me what I needed to hear, or she thought based on the misinformation, but all in all, yes, I attacked her in an email at first. I hope she can forgive me that wrong. But then, I sent a second email after visiting with a friend, not about the email, but about what I was struggling with and then I could think more clearly and was able to email her back and tell her in a much more proper way how I felt about the situation. Anyway, it's been another hard day. I've spent a lot of time in the Psalms crying out to the Lord, using words David wrote, which, while he didn't have exactly the same issues as I do, many of those feelings are the same, so while reading them, they began to become my own cries, crying out to Him. And I love doing that with scripture, cause I can guarantee that's within His will and it has truths with the emotions, so that it doesn't just become about the pain, but really learning God's truth at the same time. I think the Psalms are going to be a refuge for me at this time in my life, as I cry out to God using many of David's words, and a few of my own as I add to it, as I kind of put my own emotions and thoughts in there, but covered by God's truth, in a sort of bible study, prayer mix! I love that, because it becomes so personal, and He is a personal God, who loves me, exactly the way I am, and accepts me, and I can just say what I'm thinking and feeling right now, as He's my only companion and ever present help in trouble.

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 19

Well, it's not quite as late as when I got on here last night. I was feeling some pain that I didn't understand today. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, and then I remembered praying that I would be more sensitive to others needs. I've prayed this several times in my life, but I'm wondering if maybe the healing I've been doing has allowed me to do that. If my heart is just sensitive enough to feel others pain. You see, a friend of mine...well, we're not real close, but I consider her a friend, lost a close family member, in a tragic accident yesterday. I know she is really hurting right now, and I wonder if I was feeling a little bit of that. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I've lost friends and family members, but never someone young that I was very close to. I don't have a really close family, so I can't say if I lost one of them that I'd be in as deep of pain as she is right now. But I can imagine how I might feel, and yet at the same time, I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, I was close to Dave, but he wasn't as young as this person, and he'd been sick for a long time, so it wasn't a total shock, like this is. I do hope that it is me sympathizing with her, because otherwise I have no idea where this pain was coming from. I hadn't been thinking about past abuse or anything like that.

I did have to apologize to God for spending most of my day playing around on facebook and twitter instead of spending time with Him. I didn't get into the word until after dinner!!!! That is very unlike me! That did make a difference and I definitely feel bad, but I confessed my sin and I fully believe that He has forgiven me, and I asked Him to help me do better tomorrow! I have complete confidence that I have regained my focus and tomorrow will be all about Him again! So, tomorrow's a new day!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 15

Well, today, I finished reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. It got me to thinking about what it was that finally attracted me to Christ. I knew many people who professed to be Christians growing up, so why did it take me 20 years to receive Christ?

Good question. I'm so glad you asked :) I think I've figured it out. For many, many years I've only felt judged by other Christians. They told me that my promiscuous lifestyle was wrong, that my drinking was bad, my smoking was bad, and the drugs I used, downright evil. Now, I agree, all of those are true, but I do not believe that focusing on the unbeliever's sin is helpful. Of course, they sin. They can't help it. They do not have the power to stop sinning, and someone who just always tells you how bad you are, is not attractive. It doesn't make people want to know you. Now, obviously, I understand that a person has to realize they're a sinner to receive Christ, but deep down, I think they already know that. I remember the feeling that I was rebelling the first time I smoked a cigarette. It was invigorating, because I knew my parents would hate it. I remember having a sense that I'd done something I shouldn't have when I slept with my boyfriend for the first time. Now, how would I know that? I'm having a really hard time finding the verse in my bible right now, but I believe there is a verse in there that says that all people have God's law written on their hearts. We all have a sense of right and wrong. It's why we have laws against killing people! We know, somewhere, deep in our hearts, that it's wrong, to harm another human being. Now, when I did those things, I wouldn't have told you that I knew it was wrong. I wanted to believe that it was right, that I was right, but at a deeper level, I knew it was wrong. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now, but I know what I'm talking about :)

My point is, I'm not sure, that as Christians, it is our job to confront an unbeliever's sin. I think that's God's job and God's job alone. It just comes across as being judgmental when we do it. I think our job is to love the person, as Jesus loves them, just as they are. I realized that when I came to Christ, I had an older gentleman that sort of felt like a father figure to me, in my life. He was a Christian, of course, and he knew about the sin that I was involved in. He knew about the drugs and the sex, all of it. Or at least most of it. Enough, that if he was like most Christians I had met before going to college, he wouldn't have even given me the time of day. As it is, he didn't even mention the drugs or any of that too me, directly. I only knew that he knew, because I knew that a friend of mine, who was concerned about me, was talking to him about her concerns, and asking him to pray for me. Never once did he bring it up in my presence. In fact, when he first started conversing with me, I didn't my friend had been telling him about me, and I remember thinking, while talking to this incredibly godly man, in full-time ministry, "Do you know who I am? Because if you knew who I was you wouldn't be talking to me? At least not while actually looking me in the eye and clearly being very interested in me." It was shocking to me to find out that he knew exactly who I was, and he still loved me. He still cared about me. He wanted to know how my classes were going that semester, what my interests were. He really listened to me. He cared about me. I honestly don't remember exactly what we talked about in our conversations. It didn't matter. I was just fascinated by the fact that he cared! About someone as insignificant as me! As deeply steeped in sin as I was! Who was this man and who was his God? I wanted to know! For the first time in my life, I really wanted to know who this Jesus really was, cause clearly, this man's Jesus, was very different from the Jesus I thought I knew about! The Jesus I knew growing up, was this mean guy in the sky, waiting for me to screw up, so He could pound on me! This man showed me a different Jesus. This man showed me a Jesus that loved me exactly the way I was and cared about me. He didn't enjoy punishing me. He only wanted to help me, because He loved me. I'd never seen that Jesus before. I wanted that Jesus. I realize now that everything I was doing at that time was me desperately seeking to be loved! I just wanted to be loved! It's what everyone wants! They want to be loved for who they are, not who others want them to be, but truly who they are. In all the drugs, and alcohol, and sex, I was doing what the song says, "looking for love in all the wrong places." This man knew the one who loved me the way I wanted to be loved.

Now, as many of you know, while I did receive Christ as my Lord and Savior during that time, securing my salvation, it has taken me a long time to really begin to grasp that He really does love me like that. He really does care about me. Everything about my life. Not just whether or not, I go to heaven or hell. He cares about my life right now. He cares about my marriage, He cares about my friendships, He cares about my life, here and now. I'm sure I'll spend a lifetime grappling with this. How this completely sinless God could ever love me, of all people, like that. But He does! Wow! What an amazing God! If you've been in places where Christians have been judgmental and you don't know Jesus, let me assure you, that isn't Him. I've been guilty of this, myself. He doesn't care who you are, or where you've been. He loves you anyway, exactly the way you are! That is amazing!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 11

I've been home for a while, and while I have not communicated with people outside my home much, I have been emailing, tweeting, facebooking, and, of course, blogging. I've gotten all sorts of questions I generally don't know how to answer. I've had people tell me that what I'm doing is unhealthy and unbiblical. I'm not sure there's anything unbiblical or unhealthy about it, unless I made it permanent. Obviously we're supposed to interact with people, but we're also supposed to get alone with God, and I think some of us need much more intensive and lengthy time with Him. Because of where we have been without Him! I lived without Christ for 20 years, and you don't even want to know the kind of sin I was involved in during that time! Trust me, you do not want to know the details! You would not like me...and I probably wouldn't like you, because I would be extremely uncomfortable with you knowing that much detail. Maybe not, but probably. It depends on who you are and what your profession is and that sort of thing. Some would even say that counseling is not biblical. I heard someone, not too long ago, go so far as to say, on a social networking site, that counseling has destroyed the church! Yes, there are people who believe this. I know of a couple of churches that thinks Psychology has nothing to offer the church! I understand where there thinking is. I agree that secular counseling falls short, but they're throwing out the baby with the bathwater. We do need to feel these things and to work through them. If we don't we'll never really be healed! And besides, I'd like those people who think we don't need to talk through these things, sometimes for a long time, to read the Psalms! I think David would disagree! And, of course, since it did end up in the bible, obviously, God disagrees, too! EVERYthing outside of the bible is not a lie! I'll give you an example: I have been sexually abused. Does God's Words say Shellie's been abused. NO! But it's still true. Electricity is a reality, and all of those studies and schematics are a reality, even though they're not in the bible. There is a lot of truth in our world, not addressed in the bible. God let us figure a few things out on our own. He did not tell us the earth was round! We had to figure that out on our own. The reality of my abuse is not the complete truth, but it is the truth. I have to apply scripture to it, but my point is, Psychology does have something to offer us. There are studies that teach us a lot about the human condition that God did not explicitly tell us in scripture.

My point is, just because we don't see it happening in scripture, doesn't make it unbiblical, entirely. We have to be discerning. I mean, if I was deciding to never leave my house again, that would be unhealthy...and unbiblical, but I'm not doing that. I have to admit, though, it's starting to get a little awkward being invited out. I'm not done healing, and I don't know how I'll handle being around the people that I'm normally around, and I don't know how they're going to respond to me. I'm scared. I'm scared for myself. I'm scared for everybody else. I'm scared that I'll never be healthy. That I can't be healthy, and I'll never have healthy relationships. I'll always be a freak.

Codependency

I'm so very tired today. I wanted to share with you about a relationship I had when my kids were little. I was extremely depressed and Josh didn't dare trust me by myself. He asked people to come stay with me, and I had one friend that was just wonderful. Really, it started out wonderful. She seemed to care so much, and I'm pretty sure she did. When, I was on bedrest with my second pregnancy, she would come over to do housework and play with Jeremiah. That was great. I needed someone to do that, but then long after Angela was born and we were all doing just fine, (with the occasional depressive episode) she continued calling me and coming over every single day. It got to a point where I had no time to spend with God, by myself! She was over there ALL THE TIME! And I didn't have even the tiniest chance to make friends with other people. In fact, I felt like I had to get rather sneaky to go anywhere with my former friends. I was completely cut off from everyone else. She also started talking bad about my husband, trying even to turn me against him. She complained about the way he disciplined our kids and everything. She was sure that it was inapropriate and was bordering on abuse. I can assure you, he NEVER abused our children! He hates people who do that sort of thing! He understands the anger and the temptation, but he cannot understand how anyone could follow through with that! Neither do I! And yes, it caused fights between Josh and I. I even tried not answering the phone and locking the door. No way, she'd call and call and call and knock and knock and knock! Oh, it was the craziest thing I'd ever experienced in my life! I had no idea there were people like this and I had no idea there was a name for it. I am not given to codependency at all. She tried to make me like that, but it didn't work. She drove me up a wall!!! If anything, I tend to isolate. I tend to be a little too independent, so you can imagine how much she just drove me CRAZY!!! When they announced they were going to have to move to Montana, we helped them move. I did agree to write and call from time to time. That also didn't start out too bad. Then, she started calling every day again, and even, again, started turning me against my husband. She even suggested that it was God's will for me to leave my husband. She said, that God tells us to leave anyone who is not godly. Okay, for one thing, I don't know what bible she's reading, because my bible says we should even stay married to an unbeliever if he's willing! The only out He gives us at all is in the case of marital unfaithfulness, and praise the Lord, that's never happened in our marriage! Not once! And for another, if that's the case, any one of us can be deemed ungodly at any moment of our lives. We all screw up, that's why they say we still have a sin nature. That's why we know we still have a sin nature. We eventually decided to switch our cell phone companies, cause the customer service at the one we were currently using sucked! And when we did, we changed our numbers, and somehow "forgot" to give her our new numbers. I haven't talked to her in years and sometimes people ask me about her, and I joyfully tell them, I have no idea how she's doing. What I don't tell them is I honestly don't care! Am I horrible?!!!

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 9

Well, I've really whipped through a lot of pages of Beth Moore's devotional journal today. I'm telling you that woman reaches down inside of me and grabs my heart with the questions she asks. She really has a way of getting to the heart of the issue and helping me to see where I don't really believe God. I say I do, but do I really? Do you, really? Are we so good at giving Sunday School answers that we never realize that our hearts haven't caught up? That we don't really believe what we're saying? Right now, I am telling God what I know, but I don't believe and begging Him to help me to believe! Only He can do that. I can learn the information until the day I die, but until it makes it's way into my heart, it won't make a difference in my life. I NEED a difference in my life. I NEED to change, and I can't change myself, I've tried. He has to change me, and I'm choosing to believe that He will.

Me, Studying? Who Would've Thunk It....

I'm on the family computer tonight, not the one I put my pictures on tonight, so no pictures tonight. You just get me talking. I know, it scares me, too. The pictures are sort of a crutch and a way for me to remember the good times when things are hard. Two weeks ago (I think?) I found some books I've been wanting, but couldn't afford, used on amazon.com. I ordered 2 books, The NIV Exhaustive Concordance and The Expositor's Commentary Volume 10. That's the volume that includes 1 Corinthians, which many of you know, I have been studying at length all year, and will continue doing. I started over at chapter 1 verses 1-3 in the last few weeks. I also finally sat down and read the entire book straight through once, which is what I should have done in the first place. My concordance has arrived, but I'm still waiting on the commentary. That's okay, cause with the method I'm using, you look at commentaries last, so I don't need it yet anyway. I did need the concordance, though. I haven't used it yet, but I'm sure I will soon. I'm also reading a book I had no idea what so rich, that has been on my bookshelf for years! It's called "Systematic Theology" by Wayne Grudem! What inspired all this studying? Why Beth Moore, of course. Who always inspires me, duh? Well, okay, most of the time she's the one who inspires me. She's the one who inspired me to take up writing again, after having been discouraged so much when I was younger from my first love (writing and reading). Well, not so much reading, but the two sort of go together, it seems. I don't know a single writer who doesn't also love to read! Also, she's the one who got me interested in in-depth bible study. Not just the book version, but actually attempting to glean something from the scriptures through intense studying using other resources myself. I never really cared to do that before. In fact, it took an enormous amount of energy to convince myself to even read the bible! Now, I can't get enough!!! I'm hungry for the Word!!! Thanks, Beth Moore! I don't know how you do it, but you do! Anyway, I'm having a blast and I never thought I'd ever be interested in this sort of thing!

"Waking The Dead" by John Eldredge

Again, no pictures. Just me! I finished the book I was reading by John Eldredge called "Waking The Dead." I'd do a complete review on here, but I gave the book back to my friend and counselor, Shari. She's supposed to give me a new book today, that I'm being limited to one chapter a week on. (She figured out that I'm a "ravenous" reader!) This one is called "Relationships." Not sure who it's by. I'll tell you when I get my hands on it! She would have brought it to our session yesterday, but she forgot. She wasn't surprised that I had finished the Eldredge book! She knew I was getting through it fairly quickly! It's a great book, and really I think every Christian should read! It talks about a subject that I think most Christians know somewhere inside of them, but they often doubt, because it's never covered in church! It certainly isn't covered in my church. John Eldredge talks about the heart and he lets us know that in Christ are hearts are good! That might sound unbiblical to you, because we're told so much how our hearts are "desperately evil" and that the "desires of our hearts are only evil all the time." It does say that in the bible, but they're taking it out of context. It's when our hearts and minds are turned away from God that they're evil, and of course, before we know Christ. Hearing this from my pastor so much had made me even doubt my spiritual gifts or even my ability to recognize them or even know what I'm supposed to be doing right now. It made me doubt whether I should be writing or doing anything outside of just being a quiet, well-behaved wife and mother. I'm not even sure if that's possible for me! I've never been quiet or well-behaved by most people's standards! I think I'm occassionally well-behaved by God's standards, but definitely not people's standards! I'm sort of obnoxious. I hope I'm obnoxious for Christ and not against. I've been against Him at times and at those times I'm MISERABLE! I hate it, and quickly turn back in repentance. I think my pastor doubted my repentance to some extent. I don't mean to badmouth my pastor. He's a wonderful, godly man, and a great teacher with a good heart, just like the rest of us who are following Christ with our whole hearts! Do you notice how much I'm emphasizing the heart! It's very important! It's central to our faith! Many like myself have been tempted to shut down our hearts, and I fear that many have, because we feel we can't trust them even in Christ! That is the impression we get when we get told that even once we've received Christ that "the desires of our hearts are only evil all the time." But we can't love God without our hearts. We can't love people without our hearts, which are the two greatest commandments according to Jesus! He wouldn't ask us to do that if our hearts could not be cured in Him! The bible also says that He gives us a new heart. If you still don't believe me look up in your concordance all the times you see the word heart in the bible. I think you'll find that He says a whole lot of positive things about the heart! And....pick up a copy of John Eldredge's book, "Waking The Dead."