You know what I love?! Well, anyone who reads this blog, because I adore "talking" which is only fun if someone is "listening" and it just pleases me so much that anyone would want to "listen" to all of my rambling!:) BUT, what I really love is how God uses something I thought was meant to minister to someone else to minister to ME!!! I was told almost a year ago that I should write a book after telling a funny story about something one of my kids had done or I had done or whatever! I don't remember what the story was about, just that it was funny. (I love funny!) I told this friend that I already had written a book that I was then doing more research on and rewriting. I told her "It's a devotional book written from my study of 1 Corinthians."
She said, "No, that's not the book you should be writing. You should write a book about your life."
I replied, incredulously, "My life! Why write a book about my life? Nobody would want to read that! My life is boring!"
She said, "Uhhhhhhh, nooooo, it's not. You're life is fascinating, the things you've experienced, the things your kids say and do. You are always telling funny stories that actually have happened in your life, just like that one. You should write a book telling all those funny stories and other stories from your life of things you've experienced that may not be funny but they're interesting."
I had always been afraid to write my life story, though I'd thought about it, and been told that I should before. Not because of anything positive in my life, but because of my pain. People thought, as much as I love to write, that maybe writing it would be healing for me and possibly someday be able to help someone else. I was waiting for the healing I'd been desperately seeking to occur before I did that, but I decided then that I would put my 1 Corinthians project aside and began writing about my life. Yes, I was still in a lot of pain, but just cause I wrote it didn't mean I had to let anyone else read it! I could just hang onto, possibly editting it later to shine a more positive light on all that had happened to me. So, I began at the beginning talking about my birth, and all of the drama surrounding that. (Yes, it's dramatic when you enter the world with a cataract over your left eye and blind in that eye, and having glaucoma!) I asked God to show me what He wanted me to write. What stories I needed to tell. I've found out that even in those early years of hospital stays and abuse, that my life wasn't just painful. I remembered some really fun and interesting things, like my first horse show when I was five years old where I won a blue ribbon :) It HAS been incredibly healing for me, but not just because I'm "getting out" all the old baggage that has hurt me for years, though, consciously, I try not to even think about it and am usually successful, but this never-ending ache continues on. I'm not saying I don't still hurt; that I don't still need help from God and others to deal with the painful things. It's just neat to see all of the wonderful experiences i had mixed in with that. It's a relief to know that God had good things in my life, even then, when I didn't know Him and didn't want to. He was there even when I rejected Him. He was there in the time I spent with the horses and other animals on the farm. He was there in the times I did participate in sports and not do a sickeningly horrible job. He was there, keeping me sane through it all. He gave me people every now and again who were nice to me and he gave me people who were fun and wanted to have fun with me. No, I didn't have anyone I could call a close friend. I never learned how to talk things through, something I'm still learning; how to share my pain. I'm still not good at it and it feels awkward and weird and the words never come out right. I wish people understood more. I wish I understood more. But God let me have some fun, even while most of the authority figures in my life were only hurting me. I'm still scared to talk about that things that hurt, cause so many have used those very things against me. People I should have been able to trust. I already had trust issues and then they added more. I'm struggling right now and have hardly slept in days. I can feel the bags under my eyes, and they're burning as I toss and turn at night with all the memories that I can't quite come to terms with. I'm so tired and my head hurts. I threw out my neck and apparently hips and back at some point last week, so at times I can't even move my head without excruciating pain. I went to the chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment since I could hardly turn my head at all. It still hurt after he adjusted me and I still didn't have full range of motion. I'm almost back to full range today, but will need to go back in again tomorrow to get adjusted again. So, yes, I'm struggling, but God is so good to me and has helped me remember the good times, too! He's used an old "friend" from my growing up years to help with that. I love her so much and wish we could spend time together in person, but she lives in another town and we both have very busy lives, each with three kids and a husband, and she is a working mom, which I can't even imagine the pressure of! Yet, she stays so positive even when she sometimes gets overwhelmed. Don't we all! Love you, Jenny! And I'm just so glad for all the good that I see in my life!!! God is good and He will and most likely, IS healing me, even if I can't see it right now.