If you've been wondering if it's occurred to me that there might be some risk involved in this commitment of mine, it has. I've realized several things.
1. I could get so comfortable here that I become an agoraphobic.
Yes, it could happen, but I seriously doubt it. I'm such an extreme extrovert that to me the fact that I haven't driven myself crazy yet is proof of God's approval of this plan! I usually get pretty lonely by the second day of no direct human contact. I'm not lonely! I'm loving every minute I have with my Jesus. In fact, a really cool thing happened the other day. I was getting ready to soak my toe and thinking about how God had not told me anything real clearly just yet, and I had this thought-prayer, "God, I think maybe you're holding off, because you're just really enjoying having me all to Yourself." After I thought that it occurred to me that this was the first time EVER in my entire life, that I had seriously thought that God might actually enjoy me! ME! Shellie Paparazzo, former drug addict, alcoholic, barely knows what a boundary is let alone does she ever keep one, fit-throwing, all too often fakey, oversensitive, used to sleep around a lot (half the guys I've slept with I didn't even know their names) ME! God might actually enjoy that person! Really?! Yes, really! Crazy as it may sound I believe it! I'm truly beginning to believe it to the core of my being! I KNOW that I know that He loves me and has completely forgiven me, at least most of the time, I think. It's funny how some of the smaller, more recent things are harder for me to let go of then the really "big" sins of my past. I guess mostly because right now they're so close to my heart and mind. I also have realized that I am struggling with guilt over things that are probably not even things I should be feeling guilty about. I guess that's what they call false guilt. I feel guilty whenever I spend my husband's hard earned money. Even when it's for things I need, just because it's for me! I've even felt guilty for buying groceries, as if I don't even deserve to eat! I've felt guilty for getting an ingrown toenail and needing to go to the doctor. I've felt guilty for buying summer clothes and for buying things for the kids to do this summer. I even felt guilty for buying the devotional book that is helping me so much right now! I feel guilty for not working outside the home. I feel guilty for sending my kids to public school, even though I know that for us it was the best choice. It was the best choice because I can't handle having the kids home all the time! How awful is that!!! I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. I feel guilty for needing counseling. I feel guilty for having to take antidepressants and allergy medicine. You get the idea. I feel guilty for anything and everything that might take away from what someone else might have been able to have.
2. My neighbors could decide I'm so crazy that they never allow their children anywhere near me or my home again! Can you imagine how awful that would be for my poor kids?!
3. I could get sick or hurt and not be able to call for help and no one would have a clue for days! Pretty slim chance, but it could happen. Please don't bug me constantly just because it might happen!
All in all, I think the possible benefits are worth the risk! I'm having a great time with Jesus!
Showing posts with label strongholds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strongholds. Show all posts
Sunday, July 3, 2011
My Own Personal "Shack" Part 3 (this could end up with dozens of parts)
I just realized that in all my rambling about my "Shack" that I never really explained to you, why, even when isolating is a personal issue of mine, I've decided isolation is exactly what I need for now! So, I will do that now. (Again, my posts are all usually first drafts. I just type and publish. No editting. So don't take everything too seriously. It may just have come out wrong. Ask me in a comment if you're not sure of something. I'll answer in my next post.)
Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!
Along with my isolating issue, when I finally realize I need to communicate with others, I tend to then rely on that other person and not on God (I'm thinking this is part of my addictive personality), so since I seem to be missing something in my relationship with Him on this particular issue. I've talked about it with others plenty already, I decided I need to give Him an extended period of time with just me, so I can hear Him clearly. I can't do that with kids in tow. I can't do that in counseling sessions. I can't do that at a regular church service or Celebrate Recovery. I have to do it with just me and Him. I'm confused about why I'm not getting it and I'm thinking this has some very deep roots that are going to take quite a bit of undistracted time! I may still not be completely healed when this is over and the real test will be when I reenter the world, how I react to others and whether or not I am continually uncomfortable around others, thinking that they're thinking horrible things about me. Yes, I do that, too. They don't have to say or write anything to me! I immediately am on guard, because I'm sure they immediately see something wrong with me. I know!!! I'm a nutcase. This is why this has to be dealt with. Being at Camp Grizzly I was tense and scared the whole time, cause I was sure the person waiting for the bathroom or who just came out of the bathroom when I was waiting is thinking something awful about me. Or when they see me brushing my teeth or coming out of the shower area or going into my cabin or out of my cabin. You can see how this could get way too stressful for a person! I was surrounded by people who I was assuming the whole time didn't like me. Even resented me being there, since I'm not staff and I'm obviously not a Boy Scout! And there might be a few who do, but who cares, right!? Well, that's obviously not how I think. I even consciously told myself to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" like my counselor taught me, so I wasn't worrying about what they thought of me. And when that didn't work, just simply reminding myself that as long as I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, who cares what they think. Again, not working. And then, the note in the bathroom about the "ladies bathroom rules" which used the word "lazy" many times and also "gross." Major trigger words for me if you recall. I immediately felt hurt which quickly turned to anger even though it was written for all the ladies, not just me, but as always I took it very personally. I was already upset before I got to the last "rule." This one went something like this: "Clean up your mess. Do your part. Even if you're not staff you should clean up any mess you make. We don't want to clean up your mess!" I think there was something about not being lazy in that one, too. Again, not a direct quote, but the basic idea. By the way, I added the italics to emphasize the part that you may have realized was the part of that statement that upset me. The only non-staffers using the ladies staff restroom would be me, Angela, and Chloe. I hated the assumption in there that we were leaving messes in the bathroom! We never even left anything in the bathroom. The girls and I have bathroom kits Josh and I made for them last year with all of their toiletries in it and they take it into the bathroom with them and everything goes back in and comes back to the cabing with them when they're done. And no messes. Unless you're a CSI and can lift fingerprints and do DNA testing, you would find no trace of me or my girls in that bathroom, so already assuming that most of the staff, if not all of the staff resented us being there in the first place, you can probably see that my mind would not go good places. I screamed, I cried, and yes, I used a ton of profanity in referring to the person who made these rules! In short, I had a fit, a major tantrum, no 2 year old in the world had anything on me in that moment!!!! I was extremely upset and later embarrassed and then proceeded to turn the anger inward as I realized how stupidly (is that a word?) I had behaved and so then came the imagining myself slitting my wrists and my husband finding my body in the bathroom, and even the drafting of a suicide note. I had spiraled all the way down as always!!!! So here we are and it's now or never!!! I am NOT going down to that pit of despair ever again! I'm there now, but this is it! Never again! If after I've crawled out this time I go there again, you won't hear about it! I'm driving myself straight to Coeur d'Alene (not Lewiston. I hate St. Joe's!) and checking myself into the psych ward, where I will remain for the rest of my life!!! Well, probably not there exactly. They'd most likely eventually transfer me to a mental hospital! And no, I'm not kidding! I'm 100% serious! I will do exactly that as much as it pains me to think about it! I'm not going to put people through the horror of suicide threats anymore!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
My Own Personal "Shack"
Well, no pictures for a while. I'm back home in Moscow, Idaho, but no, I'm not available for coffee, prayer, or anything else! Sorry to disappoint but this is me time! God has got my complete and undivided attention and He better take advantage of it! Yes! I'm giving God the ultimatum! I'm dealing with a particular, uncontrollable issue (sin) in my life, that rears its ugly head from time to time, and has for all of my Christian life, and I'm SICK of it!!!!!! I originally went to Celebrate Recovery for exactly this reason almost 6 years ago! I've done Breaking Free by Beth Moore, prayed many scripture prayers over it. Even prayed my own handwritten Psalms as well as prayers from Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit, but no, it still plagues me when I least expect it. So, after having yet another irrational reaction to someone else's sin at Camp Grizzly, I have returned to Moscow and have locked myself in my house, because I just can't deal face-to-face with other homo sapiens right now! Anyway, without further ado, I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to rewrite a segment from my journal this morning for you, so you get the idea of where I'm at right now. I'm quite done hiding. I'm no longer going to hide myself and my struggles, even publicly. I know some others think this is a bad idea, but others not knowing what my triggers are has created a lot of problems. In blogland, at Camp Grizzly, even on facebook, so I'm letting it all out, mostly.
From my journal:
Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life. Whether or not it'll be good remains to be seen. At the end of this time I'll either be free or I'll be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm starting over with the "Looking Up" devotional book I ordered and I'm somehow going to have to get through it in just a little over a month. That's when my family returns from Camp Grizzly. I've never personally read the book, but from what I've heard, I'm feeling a little like the guy in "The Shack." Except I'm not in the mountains (unfortunately), though they're very nearby. I am not void of responsibility. There are way too many peopl, too close to me, in houses on either side of my trailer house. Any of you who've ever lived in or even seen a trailer park can probably picture it! There is definitely too much laundry! And I'm doing product testing right now for one of the survey groups I'm a part of online, so I can't stop doing that in the middle. After all, I did get a free product to test. It's only fair that I do what I said I would. (Oh! Why do I have to be so responsible at a time like this?!) And I have a feeling my husband and kids (who I left at Camp Grizzly) are going to poke their heads in from time to time. God's going to have to keep my landlord away. I really don't like that guy! (Talk about a distraction from my goal!) He's also going to have to keep all Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses away from me! Lord knows we have way more than our fair share of them around here, and I definitely don't want them to catch me in this raw emotional state! That would be bad! Hopefully the Kirby guy won't bother me too much! That's another huge (and rather annoying) distraction, in the middle of my living room! NEVER let those people past the front door!!!!!! Especially when you're about ready to leave for the summer and you just want to shut them up (and have them help you finish cleaning) and get them out of your house! Those people will not take no for an answer, I'm telling you! Again, distractions! More and more distractions! Most of them wanting my money that I don't have!!! Of course, I need to keep all doors and windows shut, so the neighbors don't hear me, so God's going to have to keep it cool in here, also. So, I apologize in advance to all the Idahoans who keep hoping for a real summer, if it stays extremely cold, sometimes dropping down to winter-like temperatures. Entirely my fault! But God's going to have to show up and be undeniably, unbelievably HUGE! I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty skeptical. I'm not sure He's up to the task. This one particular are of continual sin in my life (that's really hard to describe) is so deeply rooted that it seems even He can't get to it! Or He just doesn't want to!
Okay. so I added a few things, but that's basically it! If you hear I got struck by lightning, you know why!
From my journal:
Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life. Whether or not it'll be good remains to be seen. At the end of this time I'll either be free or I'll be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm starting over with the "Looking Up" devotional book I ordered and I'm somehow going to have to get through it in just a little over a month. That's when my family returns from Camp Grizzly. I've never personally read the book, but from what I've heard, I'm feeling a little like the guy in "The Shack." Except I'm not in the mountains (unfortunately), though they're very nearby. I am not void of responsibility. There are way too many peopl, too close to me, in houses on either side of my trailer house. Any of you who've ever lived in or even seen a trailer park can probably picture it! There is definitely too much laundry! And I'm doing product testing right now for one of the survey groups I'm a part of online, so I can't stop doing that in the middle. After all, I did get a free product to test. It's only fair that I do what I said I would. (Oh! Why do I have to be so responsible at a time like this?!) And I have a feeling my husband and kids (who I left at Camp Grizzly) are going to poke their heads in from time to time. God's going to have to keep my landlord away. I really don't like that guy! (Talk about a distraction from my goal!) He's also going to have to keep all Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses away from me! Lord knows we have way more than our fair share of them around here, and I definitely don't want them to catch me in this raw emotional state! That would be bad! Hopefully the Kirby guy won't bother me too much! That's another huge (and rather annoying) distraction, in the middle of my living room! NEVER let those people past the front door!!!!!! Especially when you're about ready to leave for the summer and you just want to shut them up (and have them help you finish cleaning) and get them out of your house! Those people will not take no for an answer, I'm telling you! Again, distractions! More and more distractions! Most of them wanting my money that I don't have!!! Of course, I need to keep all doors and windows shut, so the neighbors don't hear me, so God's going to have to keep it cool in here, also. So, I apologize in advance to all the Idahoans who keep hoping for a real summer, if it stays extremely cold, sometimes dropping down to winter-like temperatures. Entirely my fault! But God's going to have to show up and be undeniably, unbelievably HUGE! I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty skeptical. I'm not sure He's up to the task. This one particular are of continual sin in my life (that's really hard to describe) is so deeply rooted that it seems even He can't get to it! Or He just doesn't want to!
Okay. so I added a few things, but that's basically it! If you hear I got struck by lightning, you know why!
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