Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack"

Well, no pictures for a while. I'm back home in Moscow, Idaho, but no, I'm not available for coffee, prayer, or anything else! Sorry to disappoint but this is me time! God has got my complete and undivided attention and He better take advantage of it! Yes! I'm giving God the ultimatum! I'm dealing with a particular, uncontrollable issue (sin) in my life, that rears its ugly head from time to time, and has for all of my Christian life, and I'm SICK of it!!!!!! I originally went to Celebrate Recovery for exactly this reason almost 6 years ago! I've done Breaking Free by Beth Moore, prayed many scripture prayers over it. Even prayed my own handwritten Psalms as well as prayers from Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit, but no, it still plagues me when I least expect it. So, after having yet another irrational reaction to someone else's sin at Camp Grizzly, I have returned to Moscow and have locked myself in my house, because I just can't deal face-to-face with other homo sapiens right now! Anyway, without further ado, I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to rewrite a segment from my journal this morning for you, so you get the idea of where I'm at right now. I'm quite done hiding. I'm no longer going to hide myself and my struggles, even publicly. I know some others think this is a bad idea, but others not knowing what my triggers are has created a lot of problems. In blogland, at Camp Grizzly, even on facebook, so I'm letting it all out, mostly.

From my journal:
Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life. Whether or not it'll be good remains to be seen. At the end of this time I'll either be free or I'll be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm starting over with the "Looking Up" devotional book I ordered and I'm somehow going to have to get through it in just a little over a month. That's when my family returns from Camp Grizzly. I've never personally read the book, but from what I've heard, I'm feeling a little like the guy in "The Shack." Except I'm not in the mountains (unfortunately), though they're very nearby. I am not void of responsibility. There are way too many peopl, too close to me, in houses on either side of my trailer house. Any of you who've ever lived in or even seen a trailer park can probably picture it! There is definitely too much laundry! And I'm doing product testing right now for one of the survey groups I'm a part of online, so I can't stop doing that in the middle. After all, I did get a free product to test. It's only fair that I do what I said I would. (Oh! Why do I have to be so responsible at a time like this?!) And I have a feeling my husband and kids (who I left at Camp Grizzly) are going to poke their heads in from time to time. God's going to have to keep my landlord away. I really don't like that guy! (Talk about a distraction from my goal!) He's also going to have to keep all Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses away from me! Lord knows we have way more than our fair share of them around here, and I definitely don't want them to catch me in this raw emotional state! That would be bad! Hopefully the Kirby guy won't bother me too much! That's another huge (and rather annoying) distraction, in the middle of my living room! NEVER let those people past the front door!!!!!! Especially when you're about ready to leave for the summer and you just want to shut them up (and have them help you finish cleaning) and get them out of your house! Those people will not take no for an answer, I'm telling you! Again, distractions! More and more distractions! Most of them wanting my money that I don't have!!! Of course, I need to keep all doors and windows shut, so the neighbors don't hear me, so God's going to have to keep it cool in here, also. So, I apologize in advance to all the Idahoans who keep hoping for a real summer, if it stays extremely cold, sometimes dropping down to winter-like temperatures. Entirely my fault! But God's going to have to show up and be undeniably, unbelievably HUGE! I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty skeptical. I'm not sure He's up to the task. This one particular are of continual sin in my life (that's really hard to describe) is so deeply rooted that it seems even He can't get to it! Or He just doesn't want to!

Okay. so I added a few things, but that's basically it! If you hear I got struck by lightning, you know why!


  1. Don't open your door!!! Don't even look to see who it is! The "witnesses" don't knock on our door, I'm sorry you get hit so much by all those door knockers. As for the landlord, I feel your pain, I really do. I don't know any of my neighbors that get along with the "new management". I don't answer the door for them either, they can leave their stupid little notes.

    Now as for your real issue, we'll be praying for you! It sounds like your issue is something that is so deeply embedded that it will drastically change you to remove it, this change is good, it's just going to be hard to dig out all the deep routes and it will change more than just your affinity to this issue, but who you are as a person. I pray this deep spiritual surgery is without distraction. If you need anything (even a grocery drop) don't hesitate to call!

  2. "routes" should be "roots" (I'm sorry my typing has gotten really bad lately.)

  3. Hey Shelley I love you HOpe all is well. Angela is having a blast at VBS. Josh takes her and i pick her up and bring her here for the afternoon

  4. Remember...sometimes God's "better" day doesn't feel like a better day...but then God's days are longer than 24 hours...or shorter, since He makes them new!