I wish this really was a shack, preferably in the mountains or near the ocean, but definitely way farther away from people. All the noise outside my house is driving me crazy! I'm a naturally curious person, so even in the middle of a very intense prayer time with God if I hear something I peak through the curtains to see what is going on! I even saw a friend out there once. He works for our next door neighbor, so he's here a lot. It was all I could do not to open the window and shout "Hi, Dan!" but I didn't. God and I've gotten through a lot of pages today. It's sparked some hope in my heart. I plan to not answer the door, but I don't have curtains on all my windows, including the one on my door, so when I'm stretched out on the couch, like I am right now you can see me through the window on the door. Or, you can't completely see me all the time, but as a knee jerk reaction (much like the issue I'm dealing with) I pop my head up when I hear a knock. So far, it's just been kids looking for my kids. The first night, before I had this plan, Jeremiah's good friend, Nathan, knocked on the door and I answered and told him that no one else is home. Just me. So hopefully the other kids will talk to him and find out no one else is here. I'm sure the kids that knocked last night think I'm a freak! They knocked once. I popped my head up and then scrunched back down to ignore them. They came back a couple minutes later and knocked again. This time I popped my head up and waved them away, shaking my head and mouthing "go away." Yeah, like I said, they probably think I'm a freak. This is part of what I'm getting over. Worrying about what other people think of me, and allowing it to really get to me. See the problem is when someone criticizes me, or I think they did, I begin to fear that what they say about me is true! Especially if they use words like "lazy", "stupid", "worthless", or "gross." These are things I was called in my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive home growing up. My laziness is not really laziness. It's fear. Fear of screwing up. Fear of proving that I'm stupid and worthless. Mostly, I just don't let people get close enough to hurt me. What I'm doing now may seem to be only increasing the likeliness of that problem, but what happens is when I read these things about myself or hear them, I get angry. Not just at the person, but at everyone! At my husband, at my kids, at anyone who may be nearby! I say terrible, mean things that I would never say otherwise to drive them away! To drive everyone away! It's not even conscious, but I do it! I stop believing anything positive anyone says about me. And, of course, ultimately, since I believe that what the person said about me or I perceived they said about me, is true, I end up being angry with myself and wanting to end my life! Too many people in my life, know all too well, how often this happens. If I could see it coming I might be able to stop it, but what I mean by it being uncontrollable (a word I used to describe it in my last post) is that I do see it starting, but I can't stop it. I told you it's complicated! I don't even realize how much hearing those things about myself still affects me, until I see or hear those ugly words again. I'll think I'm doing well. Things are going along just fine and then wham! Somebody slams me with those sorts of accusations (or perceived accusations. I think you get the point about the perception thing! Can we just assume from now on that's sometimes the case? I wasn't accused at all, but I thought they did?) and I go off on them or my family or friends, or all of the above! You get the point. And then, of course, I turn it on myself. And I do realize that my being frozen by fear makes me appear to be lazy, but I'm not! I was raised on a ranch! Are you kidding me?! I know what real work is! I've done it! And been told over and over again that it wasn't good enough. That I didn't try hard enough or I was worthless and would never amount to anything. Or, how could I be so stupid! I could go on and on about the things my parents and teachers would say about the work that I did, but you get the point. I believed it, to the core of my being, and now somehow, even though I know what God's Word says about me, those lies are so deeply rooted, I can't seem to get to a place where they don't cause me to overreact. I still fear that all those things are true of me.
Now, as many of you know, I can't figure out how to comment on my own blog with the recent changes blogger has made, so I'm going to comment to your comments here in this post. Everytime I tried to comment using my blogger account or URL address it just tells me I'm not a member of that site! Really!?! I didn't know I had to be a member of my OWN BLOG!!!
So, here goes: KtCallista- thank you! There is one thing I could use right about now. I have quite a list going, but this is the only one I could really use right now or it will be too late (planning to order online and have things shipped UPS). Do you happen to have some Epsom Salt? Or could you get some and I could pay you back? I could really use it for my ingrown toenail. I'm really hoping I don't have to go back to the doctor for my appointment on Tuesday to have it removed, now that the infection is gone. I didn't think Epsom salt would help before. I mean I've used it for sore muscles, but not something like this. Someone at Camp Grizzly before I left told me it actually would help, so I'm going to try it if I can?
Candy- I'm so glad Angela got to go to VBS! I was a little worried about that! Tell her MOMMY. LOVES. HER. SO. MUCH. and I'll see her soon, but I can't talk to her right now. I'm doing this as much for her and her brother and sister as I am for myself and her daddy. She won't understand now, but I'm hoping someday she will!
Sojourner- Huh? I think I'm missing something? What are you talking about? I mean, I know what you're talking about, but I don't get the connection between that and my post? How'd you come up with that from that? I'm sure you had a point. You always do, but I don't get it!