Sunday, July 3, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 4

If you've been wondering if it's occurred to me that there might be some risk involved in this commitment of mine, it has. I've realized several things.

1. I could get so comfortable here that I become an agoraphobic.

Yes, it could happen, but I seriously doubt it. I'm such an extreme extrovert that to me the fact that I haven't driven myself crazy yet is proof of God's approval of this plan! I usually get pretty lonely by the second day of no direct human contact. I'm not lonely! I'm loving every minute I have with my Jesus. In fact, a really cool thing happened the other day. I was getting ready to soak my toe and thinking about how God had not told me anything real clearly just yet, and I had this thought-prayer, "God, I think maybe you're holding off, because you're just really enjoying having me all to Yourself." After I thought that it occurred to me that this was the first time EVER in my entire life, that I had seriously thought that God might actually enjoy me! ME! Shellie Paparazzo, former drug addict, alcoholic, barely knows what a boundary is let alone does she ever keep one, fit-throwing, all too often fakey, oversensitive, used to sleep around a lot (half the guys I've slept with I didn't even know their names) ME! God might actually enjoy that person! Really?! Yes, really! Crazy as it may sound I believe it! I'm truly beginning to believe it to the core of my being! I KNOW that I know that He loves me and has completely forgiven me, at least most of the time, I think. It's funny how some of the smaller, more recent things are harder for me to let go of then the really "big" sins of my past. I guess mostly because right now they're so close to my heart and mind. I also have realized that I am struggling with guilt over things that are probably not even things I should be feeling guilty about. I guess that's what they call false guilt. I feel guilty whenever I spend my husband's hard earned money. Even when it's for things I need, just because it's for me! I've even felt guilty for buying groceries, as if I don't even deserve to eat! I've felt guilty for getting an ingrown toenail and needing to go to the doctor. I've felt guilty for buying summer clothes and for buying things for the kids to do this summer. I even felt guilty for buying the devotional book that is helping me so much right now! I feel guilty for not working outside the home. I feel guilty for sending my kids to public school, even though I know that for us it was the best choice. It was the best choice because I can't handle having the kids home all the time! How awful is that!!! I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. I feel guilty for needing counseling. I feel guilty for having to take antidepressants and allergy medicine. You get the idea. I feel guilty for anything and everything that might take away from what someone else might have been able to have.

2. My neighbors could decide I'm so crazy that they never allow their children anywhere near me or my home again! Can you imagine how awful that would be for my poor kids?!

3. I could get sick or hurt and not be able to call for help and no one would have a clue for days! Pretty slim chance, but it could happen. Please don't bug me constantly just because it might happen!

All in all, I think the possible benefits are worth the risk! I'm having a great time with Jesus!

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