Friday, July 8, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 7

I made a "friend" online who has been helping me to work through this stuff. Giving me advice when I get stuck, expressing concern over things she sees me doing that she fears may be unhealthy. Just, very generally, supporting me in this time. I told her, unintentionally (guess it must have been on my heart, cause it sure came out in an email) about a particular situation when I was in high school. Not sure I should share it on here, because it is quite obviously very unhealed and I might share too much, but it involves sexual abuse, and my mother's reaction to me telling her that I had been sexually abused. The young man who tried to rape me was a family friend that I had dated for some time (actually, I may have mentioned this in a post before) and after we broke up, the next summer my mom invited him to come live with us, further proving that she really did not believe that he had hurt me in such an awful way. As you can imagine, this was not an easy time of my life in the summer before college having him living in the same house. My mom still does not believe me, and while I have forgiven the young man for abusing me, I have had a much more difficult time forgiving my mother. I have been told that forgiveness is not a process, but something we just do in obedience, but I can't help but notice in the backgrounds that these people share, they have not usually experienced abuse, so I just don't think they get it that it's a little more complicated. It takes a little more time working through the anger and the pain to forgive an abuser, which in a sense my mom was just as much an abuser as he was, since she put me in this position to continue to be controlled by him on a daily basis, in my very home, where I should have been safe, but I wasn't. Of course, many of you know that my mom abused me in many other ways, as well, and neglected me, emotionally, if that makes any sense. I will have to save that for another post. This, for me, though, has been the greatest insult. I tried to tell her I needed help and she completely rejected me and shamed me. (As if I didn't have enough of that in my life already.) She denied me any hope of getting the help that I desperately needed and put me in a position to continue to be hurt, over and over again.

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