Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My Own Personal "Shack" Part 16

Well, last night, after posting about my "daddy" I went to bed and bawled over how much I miss him! My life was pretty crazy at the time that I lost him to cancer, I believe it was Thanksgiving Day 2006, so I really didn't get any time alone to really mourn his passing. I was extremely heartbroken over the whole thing and even more so, because I hadn't seen him in years. You see, after we were married, my husband and I were a little overwhelmed by married life, I think, and I in particular had gotten worse in my depression (not because my husband didn't treat me right, I assure you!) and we didn't really stay in contact with the people we knew in Coeur d'Alene. We decided it was time to move on, so we didn't really contact them for a very long time. This was before the days of facebook and twitter and blogs and even before we had our own PC at home to email people. In fact, I don't know about Josh, but it was the first time I had really embraced the whole internet thing and started using my email account at school. (Wow, things have changed in a relatively short amount of time!) In fact, I'm not sure that embrace is really the right word. I more like surrendered, because sooo many people were telling me, "email me," or "did you get my email?" so I surrendered and started checking it to see these much needed emails people were sending me on this email account they gave me when I registered at UofI, that I had no intention of using. (I know this is amusing to many of you who know how much I love technology now!)

Anyway, I'm way off track, darn ADD brain. We didn't talk to our friends in Coeur d'Alene for many years. Than we were there to enjoy some fireworks at one point, because my dad had moved there and we thought Coeur d'Alene might be fun for the Fourth of July! (Don't do it if you have young children. The fights and profanity in the parking lot are so not worth it!) It was fun, other than the parking lot scene....which was very entertaining at first, as well....until the kids got old enough to repeat the wonderful words that they heard! But at this time we bumped into a few people that we knew from when we were dating and engaged to be married. (That is usually why you get engaged! Did you ever wonder why people have to add "to be married" to that statement?) We found out that people had been asking about us, and me in particular, wondering how we were doing, so we reconnected with some of them, particularly our former pastor and his wife, another man that Josh knew from even before Coeur d'Alene, and Dave (or as you know him, "daddy.") I didn't actually get to see him that day, but I did talk to him on the phone. Actually, the last time I saw him in person, was on my wedding day. (How sad is that?) If I remember correctly he basically threatened my new husband within an inch of his life if he didn't treat me properly. Yes, I think he most definitely treated me like a daughter, or at least how I would imagine, a real dad, who really does love his daughter as he should, would treat his daughter. I wouldn't really know much about that. I'm glad I got to experience if for at least a short period of time through Dave. After that, we again, got very busy with our life in Moscow, and didn't contact anyone for a long time. When we did, we found out that Dave and his family had moved to Texas and that Dave was very sick with cancer, and that he was getting very weak and did not believe that he would make it. I remember starting to open my mouth to ask for contact information for him, and couldn't for the lump in my throat! I could not, at that time, let myself cry in front of anyone! I don't think even I realized fully, up to that point, how important that relationship was to me. I could not believe that he would die. I told myself that God was going to heal him and that he would come back to Idaho and then, we would talk. That's not what happened. He did die, and because of my fear, I didn't even know it until about a month after his passing. All I could think was that I never told him how much I loved him. I was still mostly afraid to cry in front of anyone, but after having spent a year in Celebrate Recovery, I thought maybe I could face his illness and asked someone in an email about him....but it was too late. He was gone and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. No amount of tears, no amount of screaming at God would bring him back. He was gone, and I lost my chance. I remember actually thinking at the time, that it was probably a good thing he didn't know how I was. He would be so disappointed. But after thinking about what I told you all about him last night, I know he wouldn't be disappointed. Well, he might be a little, but mostly he would just love me, and want to do anything he could to help, just like he always did. I never gave myself permission to grieve his passing. I didn't dare let anyone see that I was hurting, so I feel like for the first time, as crazy as that might be almost 5 years after his passing, I am finally grieving this gigantic loss in my life. I miss him terribly!

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