Well, my internet's been in and out for a couple of weeks. Now it seems to be more in than out, so maybe we'll actually be able to accomplish something on here.
Thoughts after my first week and a a half of having a 7th grader (some related to that, others not so much.)
1. Why does my son's head turn into a tomato when you mention girls?
2....And he grins from ear to ear, showing his adorable dimples! (I can never get him to do that for school pictures?)
3. What is it with our family and death on school picture day? My grandma died on school picture day and we got the news just before. My son got the news right before(and I do mean RIGHT before) they took his pictures that his best friend's baby brother died. Still don't know waht happened. I'm guessing SIDS, but do not yet know. He was 2 months old and perfectly healthy. Jeremiah loved that kid and I know his family did, too. Please pray for them. Jeremiah's friend, Christian, is also in the 7th grade, and they have a few other kids as well.
4.In all my selfishness (am I sick or what?!) I thought, "Great, now I'm definitely not going to get a smile out of him in his pictures." In light of everything, WHO CARES!!!!!!
5. Is it really necessary for boy's to stick their hands down their pants every 20 minutes or so?
6. Why do they not care if they get hurt as long as they got to hurt someone else in the process? (Tackling in football.)
7. Why don't we just paint my car yellow and paint "Taxi Cab" on the side, cause that is what I am. I would really rather not live in my car, but alas, I am.
8. I had a whole lot of thoughts for you yesterday. Today, not so much. But then, that was before I got the above news about nearby families baby. Why must things like this happen?
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
My Own Personal "Shack" Part 17
It's been a challenging day, with a lot of tears, but I'm learning that tears are okay. That it's okay to grieve. That it's even healthy. The reason that it hurts so much to lose people, shows that we let ourselves be vulnerable. That the relationship mattered. If it didn't hurt, then the relationship meant nothing and that's not good. I risked loving, and that's why the loss hurts so deeply. And God heals, and He is enough. I don't have to have that other person in my life to be able to continue living for God. God is my everything and He will bring the people into my life that I need to keep me balanced. I know that He has a plan for my life, and I'm glad I've had people in my life, like Dave, who have been Jesus to me. Have been that Christ-like influence and have shown me who Jesus is, little by little. I'm still learning and growing and always will be.
We are called to be in relationship with people, as well as God, and sometimes that hard to balance, and figure out where the boundaries are. We need each other, and at the same time, we can't rely on each other. We have to rely completely on God. That can be confusing sometimes. Be honest. Do you ever get confused about whether or not someone has become an idol in your life? I do. Sometimes I wonder if Beth Moore is an idol in my life, and maybe at times she has been. I have to constantly keep myself in check, and back off if I feel I'm getting to involved with someone else other than God. There have been times that my husband has been my idol. Oh, boy! That can get ugly! I've realized it when I've been mad, and asked myself why I was mad, and ultimately, it was because he didn't fix me. He didn't make me feel all happy again. He didn't cure my depression! He can't do that! He's a man! He's a really wonderful man, that loves me.....but he's just a man! He's weak (yes, I just said that my husband is weak, because compared to God, he is!) and he doesn't know everything. Only God can be my everything! My husband can't, my pastor can't, my counselor can't, my very best friend's can't, my favorite teacher, Beth Moore, can't. Only God! And yet, we need those other people? Does that ever confuse anybody else, or is it just me? I need bible teachers. I need my counselor. I need my friends. I need my husband, and I need my pastors. That is really hard to balance and make sure that it is truly God that is my all in all, and not those other people.
We are called to be in relationship with people, as well as God, and sometimes that hard to balance, and figure out where the boundaries are. We need each other, and at the same time, we can't rely on each other. We have to rely completely on God. That can be confusing sometimes. Be honest. Do you ever get confused about whether or not someone has become an idol in your life? I do. Sometimes I wonder if Beth Moore is an idol in my life, and maybe at times she has been. I have to constantly keep myself in check, and back off if I feel I'm getting to involved with someone else other than God. There have been times that my husband has been my idol. Oh, boy! That can get ugly! I've realized it when I've been mad, and asked myself why I was mad, and ultimately, it was because he didn't fix me. He didn't make me feel all happy again. He didn't cure my depression! He can't do that! He's a man! He's a really wonderful man, that loves me.....but he's just a man! He's weak (yes, I just said that my husband is weak, because compared to God, he is!) and he doesn't know everything. Only God can be my everything! My husband can't, my pastor can't, my counselor can't, my very best friend's can't, my favorite teacher, Beth Moore, can't. Only God! And yet, we need those other people? Does that ever confuse anybody else, or is it just me? I need bible teachers. I need my counselor. I need my friends. I need my husband, and I need my pastors. That is really hard to balance and make sure that it is truly God that is my all in all, and not those other people.
My Own Personal "Shack" Part 16
Well, last night, after posting about my "daddy" I went to bed and bawled over how much I miss him! My life was pretty crazy at the time that I lost him to cancer, I believe it was Thanksgiving Day 2006, so I really didn't get any time alone to really mourn his passing. I was extremely heartbroken over the whole thing and even more so, because I hadn't seen him in years. You see, after we were married, my husband and I were a little overwhelmed by married life, I think, and I in particular had gotten worse in my depression (not because my husband didn't treat me right, I assure you!) and we didn't really stay in contact with the people we knew in Coeur d'Alene. We decided it was time to move on, so we didn't really contact them for a very long time. This was before the days of facebook and twitter and blogs and even before we had our own PC at home to email people. In fact, I don't know about Josh, but it was the first time I had really embraced the whole internet thing and started using my email account at school. (Wow, things have changed in a relatively short amount of time!) In fact, I'm not sure that embrace is really the right word. I more like surrendered, because sooo many people were telling me, "email me," or "did you get my email?" so I surrendered and started checking it to see these much needed emails people were sending me on this email account they gave me when I registered at UofI, that I had no intention of using. (I know this is amusing to many of you who know how much I love technology now!)
Anyway, I'm way off track, darn ADD brain. We didn't talk to our friends in Coeur d'Alene for many years. Than we were there to enjoy some fireworks at one point, because my dad had moved there and we thought Coeur d'Alene might be fun for the Fourth of July! (Don't do it if you have young children. The fights and profanity in the parking lot are so not worth it!) It was fun, other than the parking lot scene....which was very entertaining at first, as well....until the kids got old enough to repeat the wonderful words that they heard! But at this time we bumped into a few people that we knew from when we were dating and engaged to be married. (That is usually why you get engaged! Did you ever wonder why people have to add "to be married" to that statement?) We found out that people had been asking about us, and me in particular, wondering how we were doing, so we reconnected with some of them, particularly our former pastor and his wife, another man that Josh knew from even before Coeur d'Alene, and Dave (or as you know him, "daddy.") I didn't actually get to see him that day, but I did talk to him on the phone. Actually, the last time I saw him in person, was on my wedding day. (How sad is that?) If I remember correctly he basically threatened my new husband within an inch of his life if he didn't treat me properly. Yes, I think he most definitely treated me like a daughter, or at least how I would imagine, a real dad, who really does love his daughter as he should, would treat his daughter. I wouldn't really know much about that. I'm glad I got to experience if for at least a short period of time through Dave. After that, we again, got very busy with our life in Moscow, and didn't contact anyone for a long time. When we did, we found out that Dave and his family had moved to Texas and that Dave was very sick with cancer, and that he was getting very weak and did not believe that he would make it. I remember starting to open my mouth to ask for contact information for him, and couldn't for the lump in my throat! I could not, at that time, let myself cry in front of anyone! I don't think even I realized fully, up to that point, how important that relationship was to me. I could not believe that he would die. I told myself that God was going to heal him and that he would come back to Idaho and then, we would talk. That's not what happened. He did die, and because of my fear, I didn't even know it until about a month after his passing. All I could think was that I never told him how much I loved him. I was still mostly afraid to cry in front of anyone, but after having spent a year in Celebrate Recovery, I thought maybe I could face his illness and asked someone in an email about him....but it was too late. He was gone and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. No amount of tears, no amount of screaming at God would bring him back. He was gone, and I lost my chance. I remember actually thinking at the time, that it was probably a good thing he didn't know how I was. He would be so disappointed. But after thinking about what I told you all about him last night, I know he wouldn't be disappointed. Well, he might be a little, but mostly he would just love me, and want to do anything he could to help, just like he always did. I never gave myself permission to grieve his passing. I didn't dare let anyone see that I was hurting, so I feel like for the first time, as crazy as that might be almost 5 years after his passing, I am finally grieving this gigantic loss in my life. I miss him terribly!
Anyway, I'm way off track, darn ADD brain. We didn't talk to our friends in Coeur d'Alene for many years. Than we were there to enjoy some fireworks at one point, because my dad had moved there and we thought Coeur d'Alene might be fun for the Fourth of July! (Don't do it if you have young children. The fights and profanity in the parking lot are so not worth it!) It was fun, other than the parking lot scene....which was very entertaining at first, as well....until the kids got old enough to repeat the wonderful words that they heard! But at this time we bumped into a few people that we knew from when we were dating and engaged to be married. (That is usually why you get engaged! Did you ever wonder why people have to add "to be married" to that statement?) We found out that people had been asking about us, and me in particular, wondering how we were doing, so we reconnected with some of them, particularly our former pastor and his wife, another man that Josh knew from even before Coeur d'Alene, and Dave (or as you know him, "daddy.") I didn't actually get to see him that day, but I did talk to him on the phone. Actually, the last time I saw him in person, was on my wedding day. (How sad is that?) If I remember correctly he basically threatened my new husband within an inch of his life if he didn't treat me properly. Yes, I think he most definitely treated me like a daughter, or at least how I would imagine, a real dad, who really does love his daughter as he should, would treat his daughter. I wouldn't really know much about that. I'm glad I got to experience if for at least a short period of time through Dave. After that, we again, got very busy with our life in Moscow, and didn't contact anyone for a long time. When we did, we found out that Dave and his family had moved to Texas and that Dave was very sick with cancer, and that he was getting very weak and did not believe that he would make it. I remember starting to open my mouth to ask for contact information for him, and couldn't for the lump in my throat! I could not, at that time, let myself cry in front of anyone! I don't think even I realized fully, up to that point, how important that relationship was to me. I could not believe that he would die. I told myself that God was going to heal him and that he would come back to Idaho and then, we would talk. That's not what happened. He did die, and because of my fear, I didn't even know it until about a month after his passing. All I could think was that I never told him how much I loved him. I was still mostly afraid to cry in front of anyone, but after having spent a year in Celebrate Recovery, I thought maybe I could face his illness and asked someone in an email about him....but it was too late. He was gone and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. No amount of tears, no amount of screaming at God would bring him back. He was gone, and I lost my chance. I remember actually thinking at the time, that it was probably a good thing he didn't know how I was. He would be so disappointed. But after thinking about what I told you all about him last night, I know he wouldn't be disappointed. Well, he might be a little, but mostly he would just love me, and want to do anything he could to help, just like he always did. I never gave myself permission to grieve his passing. I didn't dare let anyone see that I was hurting, so I feel like for the first time, as crazy as that might be almost 5 years after his passing, I am finally grieving this gigantic loss in my life. I miss him terribly!
Monday, July 18, 2011
My Own Personal "Shack" Part 13
Well, sorry, I've been away for a while. Focusing on other things. I did decide to go to a friend's house one day last week for a prayer meeting. It was a little awkward at first and I had a hard time explaining why I'm not at Camp Grizzly to people who don't read my blog. I used my toe as an excuse, since I really can't go back to camp until my toe is healed, which seems to be taking a really long time. I don't know. Maybe I just don't know enough about these things to know how quickly it should heal. I don't know how long to expect for my heart to heal either and I'm pretty impatient with myself. I feel like I have determined so many times to change, to react better, to not assume the world is out to get me, and I fail every time! I'm getting rather irritated with myself, but one of the things I've noticed, with an online friends help, is how much Satan has cultivated messages of death into my life. Sometimes I just use the terms jokingly like, when I say things like, "'Give me makeup or give me death" to a friend online who isn't allowed to wear makeup, but needless to say, I say it all the time. I say things like, "I would just die" if such and such a thing happened to me. Do you see it? Death. It's everywhere in my speech. She challenged me to, even for just one week, to at least avoid saying it on twitter, and when I'm tempted to, or catch myself, about to use those types of terms, to tweet my memory verse, or just simply "Jesus loves me" or something to that effect instead. Honestly, I haven't really been tempted toward that at all so far, but one time I did get on there and realized I didn't have anything really to say, so I simply thought, hmm, what is my favorite thing right now, cause a friend had tweeted about something she enjoyed in life, so I just simply said. "God is my favorite." It felt good. He is my favorite. I haven't always been able to honestly say that, but right now, He's my very best friend, really, my only consistent friend, since I've sort of shut almost everyone out, mostly, for now. They can communicate online, but that's because that is mostly controlled by me, not the other person. I can turn off my computer at any time and they don't even have to know I did! So I don't feel rude and I keep the necessary, albeit, temporary, boundaries, secure.
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