Monday, January 2, 2012
Job Search And Feeling Completely Stuck
Considering the incredibly raw emotional state I am in right now, I probably shoudn't be on here at all. No, we are not starting the New Year very well at all! My daughter pointed out all the things we could really use that we can't afford this last week while she and I were shopping and of course, all of the really wonderful, really not very expensive things I would love to have, if not for the lack of money. She tried to remind me (I still don't remember this) that I promised her I'd get a job this year. I think what I promised is that I'd try to get a job at Bumpers, the "arcade" in the mall, but they went out of business. There really wasn't anywhere else I felt capable of working and then while at Claire's the thought popped into my head and out of my mouth (I've really got to stop doing that!) that this would be a really fun place to work. No way was I going to ask for an app then. First impressions are very important and I had no makeup on and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Not even like a nice t-shirt, cause I did notice that many of the employees at the mall were also wearing jeans and t-shirts, but form-fitting, stylish t-shirts and really stylish jeans (which I don't even think they make in my size!). I have not gotten any apps from the mall, but I did fill in an application for the new Wal-Mart, online, and I failed the assessment, so they won't even consider me for employment. I know I'm in trouble if I can't be considered for employment at Wal-Mart. I also just finished filling out a job application for the Dollar Tree. They are also hiring. I will not do fast food or any type of food service. Way too stressful! It's bad enough I have to work around human beings. I don't know how I'm even going to get through the application process and all. My husband has finally convinced me that I have to go to job services and ask for help. I guess I'll tell them that I really have no skills and I'm not very smart and have had not had good experiences in work places. I'm also not strong enough for most manual labor jobs. I'm severely limited. That pretty much limits me to retail, which dealing with customers doesn't thrill me. My stomach is in knots. I can barely eat and I can't sleep. I know the past isn't supposed to affect me, but I'm sorry. It does. I'm scared out of my mind and I'm sorry if my feelings are sinful. This is what I have been taught by the Christian Counselors I've seen. That often, even my feelings are sinful. I have tried to argue that our feelings just are and that only what we do with our feelings is sinful, but they insist that no, even just feeling the things we feel is sometimes sinful. So, if that's sinful, I'm screwed, cause I really can't help how I feel. I've realized with reading my Changes That Heal book today that's my problem to begin with. I've never experienced unconditional love. I've never been loved and accepted by another human being exactly the way I am. Their way of loving me has been to just want to change me. They couldn't just accept me right where I was at and let me work through those feelings. I even find that most Christians do the whole "You 'shouldn't' feel that way," kind of thing and then when you admit that you don't trust God in a particular area, they condemn you by trying to immediately tell you what you 'should' do and by telling you all the reasons why you are not experiencing God's mercy here or there. It's not helpful and it's not loving. It's hurtful and makes me feel that there is no hope for me at all. I'm crying my way through this book by the way and it does frustrate me in that he does seem to be saying we need to be able to experience grace and forgiveness from God's people, for healing, which I am not experiencing in the town I live in now, which it looks like I will be here at least until my kids graduate and that's WAAAAYYYY too long. I know I need to trust God to bring me what I need here, but that's hard to do when I've been further hurt by so many here. Most uninitentionally. They're just ignorant to being able to see that 'should' is not helpful. Trying to change me instead of listening, loving and gently steering, like Jesus did, is the best way. I can't help but notice He never feels the need to tell all those sinners He spent time with what they 'should' be doing. He just loved them, listened to them, asked questions and made small suggestions, really not even suggestions. I don't remember Him giving any other commands other than to love. Hmmm, makes you wonder why we're all trying to change people when even Jesus, the only one who really can change anyone, never did. He healed by loving and touching, not by lecturing.