My Public Apology To CR Moscow And the Hope Center

Since I've sort of slandered a couple of ministries in my small town on here, publicly, I now need to make a public apology to those ministries on here as well. Those ministries, more specifically being, CR Moscow, and the Hope Center and the ministry it has to the community, particularly Resource Ministries. There was a lot of misunderstanding on my part, of what there purpose really is, that I should have investigated myself, before talking about it on here. Resource Ministries only helps those who are able to work and want to work, not those just looking for a handout or permanently on disability. Those people will be sent elsewhere for help. There are government programs for them. It's not that they want them to be left out in the cold, they just have to choose with their limited resources the particular people they are going to serve. They are human and can't help everyone. No one ministry or person can do that. That is why we have a world-wide body of believers. That is also why there are food banks, food stamps, unemployment, and disability,as well as many other government sponsored programs for those who need it.

Also, Celebrate Recovery is an awesome program for addicts and as they say, people looking for "freedom for life's hurts, habits, and hang-ups." And really, who does that not include? I can't think of a single person I know who couldn't use a little of that!!! I'm pretty sure it's the human condition!!! Everyone has them, if they're alive, breathing, and living on planet Earth!!!! While, I have not personally found anyone there that I connect with well on a personal level, that's not to say that you won't find exactly what you need there. I still very much appreciate them for what they do provide for me. A safe place to hang out and be myself and share my struggles, knowing it will never leave the room unless I, myself, take it outside the room, which, as you know, I often do, but that's my business, not anyone else's, and as far as I can tell, no one's ever shared anything outside the group without my permission. I may not have found all the support I need there. God has provided that in other ways, and in some very unusual ways, through social media, I have met some people who have helped me. Quite unusual but it works for now. With my limited resources in this small town, I have to do what I have to do, but there are wonderful people at Celebrate Recovery, who, even if you don't relate well with them, like I haven't, they will love you, and who knows? You might find someone you do connect with. We all have different personalities, and different things that work for us, so don't be afraid to try it and give them a chance. I still may yet find someone I connect with, personally, there. You never know!!! Have a beautiful, God-filled day!!!!

My Kids "Big" Personality And Me, Struggling

I'm pretty sure Angela took this picture. She absolutely loves taking pictures. I'm pretty sure she's going to take photography classes the first chance she gets! And I KNOW she took these pictures of her egg, Bob. Bob got eaten, but not for a long time. We buy eggs in bulk. They have these large crate things stacked on each other at WinCo and that's how we buy them. Josh and I being on a high protein diet, eat a lot of eggs, so that's why. Angela decided to draw on this one and name it Bob. She then put it back into the refridgerator. Neither Josh or I had the heart to eat it for a very long time. I smiled every time I opened the refridgerator and saw "Bob" all by himself with all the eggs around him already eaten. Bob is gone now, so I'm assuming Josh finally ate him. "Bob" couldn't live forever, after all:)

It's exhausting having kids with such big personalities, but it's also really fun. I do understand why my mom decided to crush my spirit rather than enjoy my God-given personality, but somehow I can't do that with my kids. While it is exhausting, it's also a blast and why I love them so much. It is hard to teach them to behave appropriately in public. Sometimes it's okay to be crazy and sometimes it isn't. I, myself, as I've begun to revive my "big" personality have a hard tiem learning how to control myself. I was shut up inside myself for so long, it's hard to know when to "let it all out" and when to hold back. It's also hard to let myself just be sad sometimes and cry. It's hard to know who to trust and when to do it. And sometimes I hold back for so long that I can't when it is appropriate and I should. It's very frustrating. I've been dealing a lot with the fact that I couldn't cry in my home growing up and I never received comfort from anyone. In fact, my pain was never affirmed. I was always told to "quit being a baby" and that it wasn't that big a deal. ALWAYS! Whether it was a pet that had died or my boyfriend raping me. It wasn't a big deal and wasn't okay to cry about it. I just had to suck it up and get on with life. I couldn't. After one thing after another and so much pain buried inside of me, I couldn't keep it together and I still can't. I am in a great deal of pain over the fact that I'm not supposed to hurt and I'm not supposed to wish I had a real flesh and blood mother whose lap I could crawl into and cry, and not even really have a reason for it, except that I never got to as a child. And then, I realize that I'm way too old for that, and it's too late. And that hurts, sooooo much, I can't even tell you. I wish I was okay being me, but I'm not. I wish I was okay dealing with these things on my own, but I'm not. However, I'm not okay dealing with them in front of people either. I'm ashamed even to admit that I have this need for flesh and blood to comfort me and be there for me emotionally. I'm not supposed to need that. I'm supposed to be my happy, sanguine self, all the time.

The Last Of The Ball Pit Pictures And A Few Misc. Things

Okay, all the girls wanted me to take their pictures coming out of the slide, and they all have such funny expressions on their faces, except for Christina (from my last post) who seemed to be practically posing. Of course, in general, I am struck by how different Christina is from her cousin, and my daughter's best friend, Riley, who is behind Angela in this picture. Riley is amazingly similar to Angela. They're both tomboys who love to wrestle, have punching contests (just like boys!) and yet they also like fashion, too! They are such an odd combination of tomboy and girly girl! It's quite strange raising Angela, and, as you know, frustrating at times! At a LOT of times, but back to the differences between the two cousins. While Riley is very tomboy, Christina shows up to play in the ball pit in a dress and with her hair all done up!! So funny! Only God would make relatives so different from each other! We'd make them just like us, and that would be so boring!
Of course, Chloe is very much like me (without the fear, which makes it so much more fun.) and I most definitely would not call her boring! She just loves life and wants to try everything! I just really hope she doesn't have the horrid experiences I have had to kill that in her! I love it, and it helps me with my issues believe it or not! It's such a joy to see life from her perspective. When she turned out to have learning issues (that I suspect I myself also have, but were never discovered) and she had to take special classes, she said that she was lucky, because she has more teachers than any of the other kids! What a marvelous way to look at it!

Of course, then there are the very odd and out of place things kids sometimes say. Like they're in a completely different conversation inside their heads. Sometimes I wonder why I talk to them at all! They have such marvelous conversations inside their heads while I'm talking, I'm thinking. I was talking to Chloe the other day about her memorizing her songs for the school production, and she said she was sure she'd memorize them as quickly as she did her lines, and asked me how long I thought it took her to memorize her lines. I told her I didn't know, and she told me it took her two days. I told her, I know you memorize things quickly. "It took you two days too memorize the bible verses I had been working on for over a week! And I read them more times a day than you did!" I proceeded to tell her how her mind is like a sponge at her age, and she chimes in with, "Yeah, like scabs." .....What in the world?? Where did that come from??? LOL

A New Chapter In Our Lives (with some emphasis on: Chloe)

This is my darling daughter, Chloe, "modeling" for us.....with her Orange Julius in hand. Hey, she was thirsty. Shopping is thirsty work! This was last weekend when Josh and Jeremiah went on a hiking and camping trip. So, what did me and the girls do?.....Shop! What else is there? Even in all of my pain and challenges I look at pictures like these or the girls themselves (and my son) and remember that I am truly blessed. I mean, look at just this one! At Chloe. Could she be more perfect! Created in the image of God! Wow! She is such a joy, and often gets overlooked in the larger scheme of things with the older two and ALLLLLLL of their activities, which is why I am highlighting her today! She is so sweet and innocent (something I never have been. Didn't have that priviledge.) and so content (also something I have never been.). She's also very talented. She is still developping her gifts and talents, so it is hard to find things to write about with her. She loves music and has taken a few intermitent(sp?) piano lessons. I'm told she is picking it up very quickly. I've always suspected she had some musical talent! She has a very sanguine personality and how does she usually express it?....Why she sings, of course! What else is there in life, after all!!!! I was the same. I would always make up songs about life events and sing other songs preveiously written, like "Jesus Loves Me," which I knew from the earliest point of my childhood that I can remember, even though I did not know Jesus personally at the time and did not even know you could have a personal relationship with Jesus. My parents church didn't teach that and my parents certainly never taught me that either! I've since found out they don't even believe in the same Jesus, I do. My Mom told me that she does not believe that Jesus is God. Wow! That was a shock to my system, since, at least to me, it is so clear in scripture that that is who Jesus claimed to be, so as far as I'm concerned, if you don't believe that Jesus is God, then you don't believe the bible, and subsequently, aren't a believer. Ouch! My mom's on her way to hell! Thank God I can pray for her! Anyway, I got off track a bit. Nobody ever told me or Chloe that musicals weren't realistic. Somebody told me that in the last couple of years. They said that people don't break out into song in real life. I was like, "They don't? That's funny, cause I do all the time! So that's why people look at me funny in the grocery store when I'm singing or humming to myself while I'm shopping!" Seriously, I do. I don't sing loudly, but I sing. Only when I'm generally in a good mood, which I believe is my true personality, not this ugly depression thing that takes over way too often and for too long. I haven't been singing much recently. But Chloe? Chloe sings all the time. When she first started going to school all day, Jeremiah and Angela came home and told me, "Mom, it's embarrassing! She sings in the lunch line and everyone stares at her, and she doesn't seem to care! She just keeps singing!" I just smiled and said, "So she's happy. Let her sing!" And so we do! We just let her sing, but as she got older we'd hear her "experimenting" (that's the only thing I can think to call it) with her voice in her bedroom, changing octaves to make different sounds and what-not (those of you who've studied music would probably have better terms for it than I do). She has always just sort of bounced through the house singing to herself. She recently came to know Jesus as her Lord and Savior, and you have never seen a child so on fire! She's always telling me how she's going to "make" her friends be Christians. I keep telling her you can't "make" people be Christians. They have to choose it for themselves. Okay, so she's a little overzealous, but haven't we all been at some point in our Christian walk, if we take our faith seriously at all! I was the same way when I first came to know the Lord! I was irritating! (Boy we do seem to be a lot alike, don't we?!) She's recently asked to be baptized, which is something we're still talking about. She has to talk with Pastor Kim about that and then we'll see. So be looking for that post. I am sure at some point this spring, my last child to be baptized will be baptized. I've not mentioned her coming to know the Lord, because to be honest with you, it's an odd and wonderful sort of thing, that I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around, that all of my children are now believers! I love it, but it definitely feels like a new chapter in our lives as a family is beginning. Something to ponder. My son will be going to junior high next year and turning 13! Things are shifting for sure, and in some ways (like teenage thing) I'm not sure I like it. I like that they're believers, but I'm constantly asking, "What next, Lord? Now what?" I know their faith is just beginning to bud and flourish and this is only the beginning, but not having any idea what's coming bothers me sometimes. I mean, I know in general, but it's a little nerve-wracking thinking about the temptations and challenges they will soon be faced with, and that really, I don't have any control over that. And that they will have to make those decisions for themselves. I can't make it for them. I feel like slowly, but surely control over my children's lives is being taken from me, and for the record, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT!!!! It's how it was meant to be, I know, but I'm a control freak, people! I can't allow this to happen! But I don't really have a choice, do I? No, I don't. So here we go! This new chapter in our lives is beginning, and all I can do is pray! And pray, I shall!!!!