Busy Life!

Wow! It's been a crazy life! Had so much going on in my head and been journaling about it some, but not been on here. I've been emailing a friend who's been helping me sort stuff out. So much going on. So many decisions being made, but it's 1:30 am and I just wanted to say hi! The long and short of the biggest news in our world is I'm so done with legalism and we're now going to Real Life Ministries On The Palouse. Have only gone one Sunday so far. I loved it. Josh seemed happy with it. Jeremiah's been going to there youth group for a while, so he was thrilled. No longer feels like he's cheating on his church! Most of his friends from school go to Real Life, so that's why he was going to youth group there. The girls?! Oh, my! They loved it so much they were practically doing cartwheels telling me about it after church, while practicing there memory verses for the work!!! Whoa! My girls excited about homework! I love it! That has seriously never happened before. They love meeting new people, so really always thought they'd be happy if we just went to a new church every week!!!! But they weren't just excited about the new people! They were excited about what they learned there! That thrilled me to pieces, but I'll tell you about it later, because I really need to get to bed!

Major Failure

Well, I'm feeling much better today (not real good, but better) because I've finally decided once and for all not to ever get a job outside the home. Don't even bug me about it. I went to my husband's office this afternoon to help him with his busy work, secretary kind of stuff. He had me putting labels on envelopes and organizing them to where you could easily put the right letters into the envelopes that correspond with the names without hunting for them. I totally messed up the organization part of that, because I can't keep enough information inside my head at one time to do that kind of thing. It's not that I'm disobedient. I just can't keep simple instructions straight in my brain long enough to do a task. I actually didn't understand the instructions very well, which were quite simple really and I could see what I did wrong after I messed it up and yet not well enough to do it right if I had to do it again. I'd probably mess it up at least 5 times before I got it right. I do the same thing organizing things at home. I have to redo it 5 or 6 times before I get it right, which is why not much gets done at my house. He had to reorganize everything. He said it was fine, but of course he did, cause he's my husband and I was just volunteering. He's not paying me or anything. These are the sorts of things employers always got frustrated with me over and it's why I'm not employable. Both my daughters and my son are just going to have to get used to people thinking they're strange cause they have this messed up mother who can't do things that "normal" mothers can, and she doesn't work as a result, so they're poor people with a mother who sits around at home on her lazy ass, or excuse me, rear end. That's how people are always going to think of me and somehow I have to get to a place where I'm okay with it and so are my kids. I have to accept what I cannot change, as the serenity prayer says, even though most people, even people involved with recovery, are going to think this is something I can change. I can't. I've tried and only gotten yelled at. No one has the patience in our culture to deal with someone like me. Employers in America expect people to be able to think on their feet and make split decisions without help, and I can't do that. They expect people to be able to do simple tasks right the first time. I can't seem to do that. I'll think I can do that. It isn't even a matter of confidence. I went in to Josh's office today very sure that I could do this simple thing that he was asking me to do, so it wasn't that I already believed I would fail, so I did. It's the kind of task I figured I could do without a problem. It's the type of thing I would mostly be doing at the jobs I was applying for, which is why I was applying for those types of jobs. I figured those simple tasks I could manage. It's why I thought I could work retail. I could run a cash register and make change, no problem, and I like people, so I could be friendly and courteous with them, but I was reminded today by my mistake that this is the sort of thing that happens all the time. I'm just used to it at home and everyone else in my home has adjusted to the lack of organization, so I forget that this is why I am where I am. I was reminded so now I know that I have to stay at home where I'm safe and won't be criticized for doing things wrong all the time. I won't be constantly torn down. I'm a decent mother. My kids feel loved and are fairly well disciplined for the most part, so I can do that and that's going to have to be good enough for the people around me. If it's not I'm going to have to learn to accept that that's their problem and not mine. That's the part I'm not sure I'll ever get used to. I think I'll always be sad, because I'm so disappointed in myself, cause I thought I could be better than I am. I thought I could be what others call normal. I'm going to have to get used to the misunderstanding and rude comments about how lazy I am and how I'm not serving my family as I should. I really don't think I can do that. I feel like a failure.

I couldn't help but laugh when someone on facebook commented that I didn't think I could drive before either and now I'm a better driver than she is. That was hilarious, because I'm not! It took me years to get down the basic skills of driving, where most people it only takes a few months or even weeks, to be able to take the driver's test, and I still can't parallel park or drive a stick shift. I have a hard time remembering to look in my rearview mirror or check everyplace where there might be other cars coming to check for traffic. I have a hard time judging how much space I have to pull out when parking and as a result do a lot of backing up and pulling back forward to get out of parking spaces, frustrating other drivers that are waiting for me to pull out. I'm the biggest cause of road rage in Idaho. Or more like parking lot rage. I've had so many fender benders that at one point my insurance was dropped. Every fender bender I've been in was entirely my fault. My husband won't let me drive his car, as a result, cause he needs a nice looking vehicle, not one that's all dented up, for the work that he does. Most of my fender benders have not involved another driver, so we haven't even bothered reporting them. I've backed into poles and scraped my car on the poles marking the edge of the gas pumps at gas stations. Good thing they have those there. I'd probly take out the pumps!!! They probably have those there because of crazy people like me, who shouldn't ever be given driver's licenses and turned loose out on the streets. Just a little glimpse into this hopeless loser's life.

Job Search And Feeling Completely Stuck

Considering the incredibly raw emotional state I am in right now, I probably shoudn't be on here at all. No, we are not starting the New Year very well at all! My daughter pointed out all the things we could really use that we can't afford this last week while she and I were shopping and of course, all of the really wonderful, really not very expensive things I would love to have, if not for the lack of money. She tried to remind me (I still don't remember this) that I promised her I'd get a job this year. I think what I promised is that I'd try to get a job at Bumpers, the "arcade" in the mall, but they went out of business. There really wasn't anywhere else I felt capable of working and then while at Claire's the thought popped into my head and out of my mouth (I've really got to stop doing that!) that this would be a really fun place to work. No way was I going to ask for an app then. First impressions are very important and I had no makeup on and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Not even like a nice t-shirt, cause I did notice that many of the employees at the mall were also wearing jeans and t-shirts, but form-fitting, stylish t-shirts and really stylish jeans (which I don't even think they make in my size!). I have not gotten any apps from the mall, but I did fill in an application for the new Wal-Mart, online, and I failed the assessment, so they won't even consider me for employment. I know I'm in trouble if I can't be considered for employment at Wal-Mart. I also just finished filling out a job application for the Dollar Tree. They are also hiring. I will not do fast food or any type of food service. Way too stressful! It's bad enough I have to work around human beings. I don't know how I'm even going to get through the application process and all. My husband has finally convinced me that I have to go to job services and ask for help. I guess I'll tell them that I really have no skills and I'm not very smart and have had not had good experiences in work places. I'm also not strong enough for most manual labor jobs. I'm severely limited. That pretty much limits me to retail, which dealing with customers doesn't thrill me. My stomach is in knots. I can barely eat and I can't sleep. I know the past isn't supposed to affect me, but I'm sorry. It does. I'm scared out of my mind and I'm sorry if my feelings are sinful. This is what I have been taught by the Christian Counselors I've seen. That often, even my feelings are sinful. I have tried to argue that our feelings just are and that only what we do with our feelings is sinful, but they insist that no, even just feeling the things we feel is sometimes sinful. So, if that's sinful, I'm screwed, cause I really can't help how I feel. I've realized with reading my Changes That Heal book today that's my problem to begin with. I've never experienced unconditional love. I've never been loved and accepted by another human being exactly the way I am. Their way of loving me has been to just want to change me. They couldn't just accept me right where I was at and let me work through those feelings. I even find that most Christians do the whole "You 'shouldn't' feel that way," kind of thing and then when you admit that you don't trust God in a particular area, they condemn you by trying to immediately tell you what you 'should' do and by telling you all the reasons why you are not experiencing God's mercy here or there. It's not helpful and it's not loving. It's hurtful and makes me feel that there is no hope for me at all. I'm crying my way through this book by the way and it does frustrate me in that he does seem to be saying we need to be able to experience grace and forgiveness from God's people, for healing, which I am not experiencing in the town I live in now, which it looks like I will be here at least until my kids graduate and that's WAAAAYYYY too long. I know I need to trust God to bring me what I need here, but that's hard to do when I've been further hurt by so many here. Most uninitentionally. They're just ignorant to being able to see that 'should' is not helpful. Trying to change me instead of listening, loving and gently steering, like Jesus did, is the best way. I can't help but notice He never feels the need to tell all those sinners He spent time with what they 'should' be doing. He just loved them, listened to them, asked questions and made small suggestions, really not even suggestions. I don't remember Him giving any other commands other than to love. Hmmm, makes you wonder why we're all trying to change people when even Jesus, the only one who really can change anyone, never did. He healed by loving and touching, not by lecturing.

Christmas Lack Of Sleep And Continuing With Boundary Issues

Hmmm, I wonder if I'm going to suddenly get really consistent about this blogging thing? I doubt it! I wouldn't count on it if I were you! It was nice that it didn't take like 5 hours to read something from each of the blogs I'm following though! You know, since I did this yesterday before I blogged. Well, two nights ago really, even though it was technically morning by the time I posted. That was actually a really good day. I was exhausted by the end of it and couldn't sleep for the wind banging things around, but I had a good day and didn't feel the need for a nap during the day, although, I didn't get out of bed until 11, so I don't know if that really counts. I woke up close to 11 again today. I woke up a few times earlier, but didn't feel like getting up and quickly went back to sleep. So, yes, my sleeping patterns are messed up as usual! What else is new?!

Well, my two oldest still fight like cats and dogs. More like a ferocious(sp?) lion and a rabid wolf, but okay. And I'm not sure which one is which! We had a nice Christmas at home. I didn't burn the turkey and I even made sweet potatoes (from a can), gravy (from packages), Stove Top Stuffing, mashed potatoes (from dehydrated potato flakes in a bag), and green beans, which I almost forgot, also from a can. I think that's all. Oh, yeah, then there was the store bought Pumpkin and Apple Pies. I never even got to touch the Apple Pie, and barely got any Pumpkin Pie. This is the thanks I get for actually doing something in the kitchen besides stick a frozen burrito in the microwave. Josh said, "If you snooze, you lose, literally." He said this because I discovered the empty Apple Pie tin after I had taken a nap on Sunday afternoon, so yes, I was snoozing! But seriously, after being awake all night Friday night worrying about messing up the turkey or any other part of Christmas dinner, and then dragging the kids to the Candlelight service at our church, and then taking care of the stockings and all that night and being so excited to see the kids expressions I couldn't sleep for the second night in a row! And then them opening their presents Christmas morning, getting ready and going to Sunday service, coming home, playing Angela at air hockey, and kicking her rear, I might add, then getting my rear kicked by my son, so that I could experience some humbling. Then, helping Angela figure out how to set her password for her new voice activated password journal.....I think I deserved a nap!!!!

It was a crazy Christmas! But totally fun, and I'm looking forward to hopefully doing it again next year, unless of course, we can convince my parents to get control of my sister and older brother, not to mention getting all porn completely out of the house, where there will be no way my children would have access to it! It seems like there was another condition I will have, but I can't remember it right now. Oh, yeah, something will have to be done about the cats and dogs, but they already know that, with Chloe's allergies. That, I don't have to argue with anyone about. No one will disagree with that. Bringing up the porn will be very awkward, if the time comes for that. Talk about a pink elephant in the room! It's one of those things we NEVER mention! You don't even hear the word "PlayBoy" said outloud in my parents house or around them, but everyone knows it's there. It's right in the drawers underneath the towel cupboard in the bathroom! Always!! But it's never been mentioned, except by my husband, who was the first person to point out to me that most families don't have PlayBoy magazines in their bathrooms. I had no idea that wasn't normal. How would I know that wasn't normal? I mean, I knew that for a Christian home it's unacceptable, but for a non-Christian home? I just figured everyone had them! And even when he brought it up, it was only to me, in private. Anyway, if my family never gets real about the abuse in our home, then it will never have to be brought up, but I'm hoping and praying that my parents will, first and foremost, come to know Christ, and that then they will put a stop to the abuse and pornography. It has to stop or I can't bring my kids. Of course, the porn will be an issue even when my siblings aren't there, so yeah, it will probably have to be brought up eventually. I fear my children have probably already seen it and who knows how it's effected them. I know how it affected me, but that's a whole 'nother subject for another time.

Totally Random!

I had about a zillion things on my mind that I really thought I should blog about earlier today and all during Christmas, but they all disappeared (I really should take notes on these things!) as soon as I discovered that I can now comment on my own blog again! Yay!!! Yes, simple things delight me! And it's a good thing, too, considering that I live in a falling apart trailer house that we don't have the funds to keep up. I have 3 children with more "needs" than any one person (or even two) could possibly keep up with! And we often have to get help in aquiring things for all of their needs. School needs, which are increasing all the time! And other needs as well! They are 3 very busy people who continually keep me hopping! I can't afford to have latte's on a daily basis, and I really don't understand how ANYONE can! Seriously, we're in a recession and latte's are EXPENSIVE!!! And yet, I'm going to Houston next month! Crazy! Well, we all set our priorities and make sacrifices for certain luxuries every now and then! I haven't really gone anywhere in YEARS!!! No, I'm not kidding! I haven't left the northwest since my 13 year old was a baby! I think I'm overdue! I did feel a little guilty about that the other day when my daughter, Angela, and I were talking about something we couldn't afford (I don't remember what) and I said that we needed to save our money, since I was going to Houston. She commented, "Why do you have to go to Houston?" Oh, well, she's young. She'll understand why mommies and daddies need to get away sometimes when she's older. I really hope this Houston trip turns out to be worth it and I don't have some kind of a nervous breakdown during the whole travelling alone thing and never make it to the actual event I'm supposed to be going to! I'm sure all will go well, and I'll come home even more confident in my abilities to do things on my own, without my husband there to catch me when I totally screw up once again. It's all good, and it's way past my bedtime!

For The Love Of BROWN! (and other Christmas delights)

Oh, how we love BROWN! Yep! The UPS man showed up at our house today! Poor man! I thought my kids would ATTACK him! They were at the door like vultures! I told them grandma was sending their Christmas presents UPS, so they KNEW what was coming!!! He really just smiled as he came up the steps and said, "Hey! You sound like you're having too much fun around here!" in a mock stern voice! So fun! I bet they love their job this time of year! Everybody's so happy to see them! Of course, I always love BROWN! I just don't always like the mail man. He brings the bills. The UPS man just brings the good stuff!!!!!

So. Our Christmas tree now looks like a Christmas tree ought to look, with lots of packages underneath the tree, because Josh also bought all the kids their main gifts yesterday, so we wrapped them before our argument and put them under the tree. They are going to LOVE their gifts. Angela isn't getting the one thing she really wanted, but I think she'll like what she's getting. I asked Josh to take back the earrings he bought Angela, cause I know she won't wear them and I know of something that's on sale that she'll really LOVE that I want to get for a stocking stuffer. He's left most of the stocking stuffer shopping to me. So, that's not done. I also have to buy stuff for Christmas dinner. I think I'm going to do an afternoon dinner on Christmas Eve, so I can just play with the kids and their new toys and things on Christmas Day. I've decided everything but the turkey is going to be from a box or a can. We'll have to build up through the years with the cooking part. I've never even done a turkey, so I think even the gravy will come from a can this year. Or a jar. I'm hoping they have some in a jar or something, cause I don't really like the package one's. They're too thin. I like thick gravy. We'll see what we can do. Next year, if we still do Christmas at home we'll look at getting what I need to make real gravy from the turkey drippings. I love gravy, so I'm a little unsure about not doing the real thing this year, but I'll see what's available. Of course, only Chloe and I will eat the gravy, and only I will eat the stuffing, which is why I'm not going to bother with real stuffing. Probably not ever, although I learned at Thanksgiving with our friends that I could probably have Isaac Leidenfrost over and he'd help me eat the leftovers! :) That boy likes his stuffing!!!

Oh, yes, and the reason why I'm thinking we'll have dinner so early is because I'm pretty sure our church does a Christmas Eve service and we'll probably go to that. I certainly would want to if they're having one. I'm pretty sure they do one every year. We just haven't ever gone, cause we're never here on Christmas Eve.

Avoid Conflict

Avoid conflict: Yep, that's how my husband handles things. He would've just sucked it up, gone down to my mom's house, avoided everybody, done what he was told, and returned and then gone back to being ourselves and having fun. I've tried that. I'm not very good at not interacting. It really doesn't work for me. Plus, I have this problem. I'm the mom. So while he can ignore people children treating his children cruelly or really honestly claim ignorance, because he wasn't paying any attention, just disappearing into his own little world where he doesn't notice the chaos all around him. SOMEBODY still has to be the parent, though, and that always falls to me. So while he can just avoid everybody, I have to make sure my children's needs are met, so that requires me to be involved with my family. I remember so many times asking him if he could help with the kids and as always he says, "Your doing just fine." Avoidance. It works for him. He just sits back, while my kids get hurt and I get hurt and pretends nothing is happening. I probably won't even post this, because I realize I'm sort of bashing my husband and I'm trying not to do that kind of thing on here. Only deal with my stuff and not bash anyone else, but he's been doing this for years and I'm SICK of it! He says he would have just gone with it, but that's okay, he supports me! Funny! I don't feel very supported!

So, I let him read this before posting, and he still doesn't see what the problem is, so I don't care anymore! Hate me for bashing my husband, but I already know what everyone here would say if I personally went to them. "This is something the two of you are going to have to work out." "You should just go down and see your family for Christmas. You need to show them the love of Christ!" NO ONE here really supports me and understands me. Not entirely their fault, but they just don't get it! They don't understand when I describe the way I grew up or the way my parents and siblings behave now! Mostly because they've never experienced anything like that, and the one's who have...well, they're in the same shape I'm in. Or, they've managed to repress their feelings so much that they don't feel the pain of those things anymore. I used to be like that, but I decided to let my feelings resurface and not be so cold and now I can't seem to turn them off! I hate being treated like trash, because I know it's not right! And I REALLY hate my children being treated like trash! The reason I post these things? Because God doesn't care enough to get me out of this place, so I can be around people who understand me, and for now, this IS my support!!! My online community, through blogging, and tweeting is my only real support!!! Others here have tried, but they don't understand. The one's who do understand don't have the gifting, training or calling to help me! Actually, I'm not sure healthy people who are anything like me exist in this town, because they've all been in the same boat I'm in for all of their lives!

I'm sorry if anyone thinks this is slandering anyone, because I don't think it is. I have given the people involved their due respect. I understand that we just don't connect or understand each other well, and that they are doing the best they can, so please don't take this as slander. I even understand that my husband doesn't understand and doesn't see what the problem is, because he doesn't know or understand anything about boundaries either. There are none in his family of origin really, either. You can't understand what you've never been taught!