Discouraging People

Apparently, I've changed this summer. You wouldn't know it from the reactions from my church, but maybe I have. I don't know. I don't really feel much different, which sucks, cause I've always felt like crap :( I'd really like that not to be the case anymore. I do trust and believe God on a whole new level than ever before. I have seen Him faithfully minister to me this summer, which only encourages me to keep going and keep seeking Him and keep looking for opportunities to serve Him, even in small ways, and to keep looking for the help that I need in healing from my past abuse. I know He will be faithful, in His time. I may not understand why He does things the way He does, but I can trust that He is on my side.

It was hard before, to even want to keep going, cause everyone around me was questioning whether or not I was truly repentant, and whether or not I was hearing God at all. From their reactions it felt like I'd never changed. Not ever, in my entire Christian walk, which, while they may have thought it motivating, after dedicating and rededicating myself to Christ for 16 years, it was actually rather discouraging. Why bother? If my life is no different than before, if I'm no different than before, what good is my seeking Him doing? It's not helping me, and it's most certainly not helping anyone else come to know Him! Don't try to motivate someone by discouraging them. Don't be skeptical of what they say God is doing or telling them. It's not helpful. Unless, you can absolutely see that what they are saying is unbiblical, don't do that! It's not motivating! It's discouraging! I am going to avoid skeptical people for a very long time, cause I REALLY don't need that! That's exactly the kind of "motivation" that my abusive mother used on me, calling me stupid when I'd mess up, or lazy, thinking that it would make me want to prove her wrong. Most people don't operate like that, and it's very hurtful. Especially to a young child. I would like to spend time around people who really do have true faith in God. And not only faith in what He can do in church leaders lives, but everyday, ordinary people, or even damaged people like myself!

Update, Family Reunion, and Counseling

Well, I am exhausted, and that is probably the understatement of the century. Last night after I finally got off of here at about 2o till 3, I got ready for bed. And then laid down to go to sleep, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was going a thousand miles an hour as always, but mostly only because I had heartburn to keep me awake, and for some reason, unlike my husband, if I'm awake I'm thinking. ALWAYS! Always thinking. Even if it's something totally insane and doesn't really matter at all, like whether or not greeks have weird sayings when they don't understand something, like when we say. "It's greek to me." I mean obviously that's not saying anything in Greece (Just an extra special glimpse into my odd mind:))! Anyway, since I had heartburn mostly I thought "this really hurts and I wish it would go away," "Please God, make it go away. I need sleep," and "this really sucks cause I actually do have to get up in the morning and be awake all day at a family reunion." I told God all about it, and got up to take a bath, cause that's what I do in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I'm not sure why. Somehow bath's are just comforting to me. I do this a lot when I'm sick or in some sort of pain, whether it be emotional or physical. Seriously, when I'm upset and know I can't just cry a little and not talk to anyone outloud about it, I go take a bath and bawl my head off and cry out to God. He's been very faithful here as of late in comforting me. I'm sure He was before, too, but I've never really had my whole heart in it, like I have this summer. Mostly in the past I doubted whether or not He even really cared and found it necessary to help Him decide what I needed. I'm not helping Him anymore, I'm just letting Him do it, and to my amazement He's actually quite good at His job, without my help! That was truly shocking, to realize that He can handle me on His own, He really doesn't need my help. I don't think I even consciously realized I was trying to help Him do His job until this last week or so, and then started wondering what's so different about my time devoted entirely to Him (quiet time and other times that I set aside when necessary throughout the day) than ever before. And that's when I realized that the difference was quite simple actually. I quit sort of telling Him what He needed do with me, and just said, "Uh, help! I don't really know what I need exactly. Could you show me?" What a concept! Actually, in trying to help Him, I was only getting in the way! I do realize that I need to get out and seek out people to talk to and be friends with, and maybe a counselor, or something like that, but I don't need to fret about it. When I get a lead on a counselor, I'll contact them and let God take care of the rest. I actually have a couple of leads right now, but I'm waiting till school starts to deal with that. These last couple of weeks before school starts are just a little to crazy to be doing that right now.

I had a good time at the family reunion, but after only about 3 hours of sleep, I'm pretty tired this evening. Can hardly wait for bedtime, even though, knowing me I'll still stay up ridiculously late!:) I am a nightowl. Have been since I was a small child. My mom said even as young as early elementary school age, if she made me go to bed, she'd often find me staring at the ceiling until about 10 o'clock. I guess God just made me this way. Not really sure why. He just did. I finally met one of Josh's cousins that I've been talking with frequently on facebook. A really fantastic young woman, and I'm so happy to be related to her even if it is only as an outlaw :) Yes, this was my husband's family, not mine. No offense, but if it was mine, I would not be happy about it! I actually have met her before, but only formally, once every 2 years at the Judd family reunion. So, didn't really know her at all. Thanks to facebook, I feel like I know her a little, and that helped me to be much more relaxed at this reunion. I mean, obviously, I know Josh's siblings and his mom, but not the rest of them as much. Absolutely love my sis-in-law, Candy. She is one of the most amazing people I know, and I'm not just saying that because she happens to read this blog :) I really mean it! I've never met anyone who could be as content as she is, in such humble circumstances. I'm sometimes a little jealous of her enjoyment in such simplicity. I require sparkly things to be happy:) You know, very girly things. Make-up of all shorts of colors and varieties, in case I get bored with my normal shade. All sorts of wonderful, preferably sparkly nailpolish, of many colors and shades! I'm getting quite bored with having my natural haircolor, with no highlights, lowlights, streaks or anything! That is just WRONG!!! And of course, sparkly jewelry, duh!! And, I just love that even sparkly clothes are in fashion! I just love to sparkle! One can I say!? If I didn't know better, I might just light a sparkler and put it in my hair and walk around like that! LOL!

Wow! Well, I mentioned the counseling situation. This group, the NANC, is apparently quite legalistic. They do not deal with wounded hearts on any level, only sinful hearts. I had started to get that feeling. It seemed as if all of my pain was only do to my own, personal sin. None of it stemmed from my abusive childhood at all. That's why I completed believed my friend when she told me that she had found the group to be legalistic. I had not even told her of my experiences at that point. I had only been telling her about the ministries that my church was involved in and had not told her that I was in counseling at all! So, I had not prompted that in any way. In fact, I was being quite positive about how great it was that we would soon have trained, Biblical Counselors, in Moscow, again. (She was the only one, before.) But when I told her the group they were training through, she balked. She even expressed concern that people could actually be hurt even more deeply with this type of counseling. She had no idea, and still doesn't that I had experienced this exact thing. Somehow I felt too ashamed of myself, to admit to her how much I am still struggling, all these years after I had been seeing her as a counselor, before she moved away. Anyway, I'm hoping to find someone else, soon.

I'm Back! Sorry For The Long Break

Wow! I have left you guys hanging for a really long time! Since it's past 2 am and I have to get up in just a few hours to go to a family reunion, I'll just let you all know I'm still here. We're all here in fact. I did make it back for the last camp. I left that very night after that last post I wrote and spent the weekend at Camp Grizzly. I'm still hurting. I've learned a few very disappointing things about the counseling group that I've been working with. I'll explain more in a future post, but what it boils down to is legalism, which is one of my biggest pet peeves anyway. I don't need people trying to make me all perfect without any compassion whatsoever and that's basically what they're doing. However, God has been very good to me, and has been ministering to me all by Himself! Who knew? He really doesn't need any help! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt at this point that He has not failed me. Other frail human beings have failed me, but He has not, and I can trust Him to continue to lead me! And now, I better go to bed, or tomorrow (um, actually, today) is going to be horrible!

Who Says There Are Only Drama Queens?

Negative drama came into my life today, but not because of a female. Well, he would say it was because of a female, but he was the one who decided to shift gears based on that female's emotions. A certain nameless female was asked what was wrong, as she was obviously sad, by the nameless male figure and so she told him what was wrong. Nameless male then said, "Fine, you don't have to go." He then told me that she didn't want to go to Camp Grizzly and he just left. Apparently, nameless female did not even know they were leaving. No one told her. So, she then became even more upset. This certain, nameless male does this very same thing to me all the time! He asks how you're feeling and then when you tell him, he changes plans without even asking you if that's what you wanted, and does it in a very dramatic and matter of fact way, that you don't even get the chance to discuss. It's a little like I imagine it would be to live with an alcoholic, where your entire world is controlled by the drama of the moment. He seems to be offended often by the fact that I don't share my emotions with him, but this would be why. He gets all offended, takes it too personal, and decides to change his plans whether you like it or not, based on your feelings. I don't like it, and I tend to often end up feeling guilty for the changed plans, even though I didn't ask for them. He reacted! Seriously, there are a lot of things that I get emotional about! It doesn't mean I want to change our plans. I have no doubt, regardless of where we move to when Josh gets promoted, there will be some sadness involved. Of course, there will be. Our kids have lived here their whole lives. They've developped some close friendships. With all of their faults we love our church and we'll miss them. We've each invested time and attention to people in our lives that we will miss. That doesn't mean we're not excited about a new adventure, or that we would rather stay here than go where God is calling us to next. It just means that change can be painful. Moving on to the next thing means letting go of some other things, and that's never easy. It would be nice to have a safe environment to express those feelings without anyone suddenly, then, changing all the plans and throwing you into a whirlwind where you're not even sure what's up or down! Thcat's even worse! Dealing with your feelings that come about when change is about to happen is hard enough, without someone going all drama king on you! You're just trying to deal with your emotions about the current situation and then, WHOA, WHAT? What is this? Now you're going to mess with things and totally change them into something we weren't even beginning to prepare for?! And just when we were starting to deal with our feelings about the original plans. Change is inevitable. Even us emotional females know that. We just deal with it on a much more emotional level than men do, usually, but we deal with it. When someone decides to throw a wrench in the plans, while we're dealing with it, then we feel completely out of control and we can't deal with, because we don't even know what's going on! Anyone else have someone like this in their world?

End Of Summer Activities

Wow! What a wild and crazy, and FUN week it has been! Yesterday, we only did some grocery shopping and went to Jeni's for prayer meeting. Or at least Angela and I went shopping. Jeremiah and Chloe weren't interested. Then, later Chloe and I went to Jeni's for prayer meeting. Angela was with a friend she hadn't seen all summer, and Jeremiah wanted to stay at home. I forgot to go pick up their lenses at the eye doctor's yesterday, so we're going to have to do that today, then they get to go back to Camp Grizzly with their dad, for the last camp, a Cub Scout weekend camp. I may head out there for part of that myself. If I get done with my devotional book. I"m almost done, so I think that will work out just fine! I probably will miss the first official night (Friday), but will head out Saturday and be there for the weekend! Should be fun, and maybe I'll actually get in the water, since it has been rather warm here in Idaho. It finally started to be summer, not that there are no more Boy Scout camps! Boo!!!! Next, we'll shift our focus to getting ready for school to start, and with one getting ready for junior high. I'm so nervous for him, but I'm sure he'll do fine. I'm thankful for a great youth group at our church. I'm hoping that will help him adjust, having other Christian teens going through similar struggles. Hopefully, they're open about sharing that stuff, so they can support each other. See you all soon!

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping: It's A Girl's Life!

Wow! The last couple of days have been a whirlwind of activity! Mostly with my darling girls! The Cub Scout weekend camp that is coming up this weekend is having a medieval theme, so Josh has decided to dress up as a king, since he is Camp Director, and therefore, in charge of the camp. (So, he is kinda king, if you think about it.) And, of course, as always, his girls are his princesses! And they are! I mean really, they don't need to dress the part. They KNOW they are!!!! That's one of many things I love about my man! But...he wants everyone else to know it, too. So we went shopping the last couple of days. For dresses and tiara's...and we just had to slip in a few other fun things :)

Yesterday, I got busy with some stuff I do for a little extra cash, online, so it was late in the evening before I was ready to shop. We went to the Dollar Tree first, to look for tiara's. They had really cheapy cardboard ones, which we didn't want, but I needed some other things like notebook paper and journals. Things like that, so we did buy a few things. We also bought some cheap, but very colorful and sparkly make-up for the girls for the weekend. They're so excited about getting to wear make-up that they've been playing around with it all day! We also got some pretty nail polish, which they also couldn't wait to experiment with! Girls! You gotta love 'em!

We then went to Claire's at the mall, because I knew they would have some fantastic tiara's. After all that I've been through, and even though I know I've got a long ways to go from here (who doesn't, really, if you think about it?) I thought it was only appropriate that I get one for myself, too. Angela and I got actual metal ones. I don't know if they're real silver or not, but who cares! They had what looked like probably cubic zirconia that sparkle! Wow! Do I ever love me some bling! Even if it is fake! (No excuses, Josh! I still prefer the real thing :)) Chloe got a plastic one with a pink poofy thing at the bottom. (Hey, did I ever claim to be sophisticated and know what these things are called? No judging!:)) She also insisted on a wand to go with. Okay, she didn't actually insist. I never would have put up with that, but she sure wanted one, and I was having so much fun, I wasn't about to argue! So we bought the wand as well! So much fun! I asked Angela if she thought it was bad that my tiara was more expensive and had more on it than there's. She said, no way! Mine should be bigger and fancier! After all, I'm mom, and therefore the queen, even though I'm God's princess, just like them! She said it shows my "authority" (such a big word for a little girl), so I went with it! Afterwards we went to the new frozen yogurt place, "Jamms," that just recently opened up in town. Angela and I've been dying to go. As soon as the sign went up indicating what they were building there, we were excited. Not as excited as we were when we were told, originally, that IHOP was looking to build there, but excited, none the less! It was delicious, and Chloe particularly like the spinning stools at the bar! (It's not a real bar. They don't sell alcohol there.) They were pretty cool! They had the little step thing like a hair stylist's chair and adjusted heights kind of like them, as well. So cool! Yes, we're easily amused. It was self-serve and you pay by the ounce, so that was fun! They had all sorts of toppings, candy ones, and fruit! Delicious!!!! Love it! Definitely going again sometime!

So, then, today we needed to get Angela a proper princess dress. Chloe already had one, but Angela needed one, so we took off again to shop this morning! First we went to our favorite thrift store, The Hope Center, and looked around just in case. No princess dresses, but we did find Angela a "new" bike, which we've been looking for forever! We also got the girls some barbies and we got some laundry baskets for their rooms! I also bought Chloe a pair of adorable shoes, she just had to have (you know how these things work, right?:)) and we found a small and very simple sewing machine for small projects! So, of course, we had to have that, too!!!! So, then, it was off to the mall again. This time, to Ross, where we found a very frilly, white dress for Angela. It was darling! We tried on the size 12, but it didn't seem like it was quite as long as it should be, so I found one in a size 14. It fit!!! (gasp) She's growing up so fast, I can hardly stand it!

Of course, after that, we had to have a "dining" experience to go with our shopping, so we did our traditional Orange Julius run. I didn't do it the day before, because I wanted to try the new fro-yo place instead! Of course, it was great, as usual! Then, we wandered up and down the mall, sipping our Orange Julius's. So much fun! (How many times have I said that now!?!) Then, we came home.

I do have to admit, Jeremiah seems to be a bit jealous, especially last night, when he discovered me and the girls spread out over my bed in our pj's settling in to sleep. He snagged my iPhone and said rather bitterly, I think is what I heard in his tone, "Since you guys are having yourselves a little party it seems, I think I should get this." I was fine with it, and I'd actually promised him earlier when he complained about the frozen yogurts (he complained about the Orange Julius's today, too) that he and I would have a mother-son date, just the two of us, soon. He was excited about that! How blessed am I, to have an almost 13-year-old son, who's excited about the possibility of some time alone with his mama?!! Now, I just have to figure out how I'm gonna make that happen, and what we're gonna do. I mean, after all, I'm obviously not going to buy him a tiara and a princess dress :)!!!!!! I'm thinking it will mostly have to be food, considering what he was most jealous of :) I was going to take him to Bumpers (the local arcade, if you can call it that) and spend some time in the batting cages, but we discovered today that they've gone out of business!!!!! So, unfair!!!! I was even going to attempt to hit a few balls myself, and let him laugh at me!!!! I'm sure he would have loved that! Now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. And, of course, unlike him, the girls can't stay home by themselves, so what am I gonna do with them while I hang with Jeremiah. After all, recruiting season is about to begin for Josh after school starts back up again, so I won't hardly see him at all for a few months! Trust me, this is how this works! There are certain times of the year, where it just is sun-up to sun-down with his job, and fall is one of those times!!!!

Scripture Memory And Spiritual Warfare: One Is Absolutely Essential To Be Effective In The Other!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! It is scripture memory day on Beth Moore's blog and I've been so distracted by the short, goofy people that I haven't even looked at the verses I've noted to be possibly what I should be memorizing right now, to see which one God would have me memorize and meditate on for this 15 days or so. God is using this in incredible ways in my life. He's been so good to bring the memory verse I've been working on from Romans 8 verses 38 and 39 at times when Satan has been messing with me in the very intense spiritual attack that I have been under for a while. Or was under. I feel that it has lifted from me, somewhat, at this point, with my family here and all, but in the quiet moments, even though I am happy that they are home, and hopeful at what God is doing in my life, I can still often feel a slight ache in my soul that lets me know there is still healing that needs to happen there. But He is faithful and He will continue to be faithful to me! So sure of my standing with Him right now that it's brought joy in my pain that I didn't even know was possible!!! Anyway, those verses have helped me combat the Enemy so many times, and just saying His Name! Outloud and in all caps on twitter and my blog and, I think that's about it, but wherever I happen to be and whatever I happen to be doing I am getting to experience for the first time really, just how much POWER there is, just in the name of JESUS! Whenever Satan attacks I try to do one of those two things and also just to cry out to God for His healing and His Truth in my life. I am getting to love Him more and more, so I'm thinking at this point in time, it is so worth it, to go through this, if it's what it takes to really have Him as my all in all! And to know that, to the depth of my soul, that He is everything and nothing and no one else will satisfy quite like He will! Not even my husband and children and yet He's let them into my life, as my responsibility, yes, but also, to enjoy! And I am!!!! They are no longer a burden to me! It is my pleasure to serve them in anyway I can at this point in time!!!

But the verses! Scripture memory is sooooo important! Even if you think (or know) that you can't really memorize the verses word for word, just picking some to put on note cards and carry with you and meditate on throughout your day or days is extremely helpful. You can just pull that card out of your pocket or wherever and say it, out loud, when the Enemy comes at you with lies that you know are lies, because they are not consistent with God's Word! We must know His Word! That's why He gave it to us, and I have to admit, I have a hard time maintaining a lot of memory verses. I usually can only recall the one that I'm working on currently without lots of hints and things about what the verse is dealing with or what word it starts with, or something like that. I do struggle with scripture memory, but I press on, and trust Him to use that working on those in my life, anyway! Even if next month I can't recall the verse I'm memoriaing now. It's in there, somewhere, because His Word does not return void. Another verse that's in my head somewhere, though I can't recall the reference, again. But the important thing is, I know God's truth, even if I don't know exactly where it is in the bible. I know it's there, cause He's taught it to me, and I can always look it up, when in doubt! That's what bible concordances are for!

When I can't seem to focus on the truth, because the battle is just that FIERCE at times, He's been faithful to let others see it and enter the battle with me, and say "Shellie, that's a lie from the pit of hell!" And they'll tell me, say His Name, out loud right now, or whatever it is I need to hear and whatever it takes to help me get back on track! So thankful for the Body of Christ, as well! But if not for Christ Himself, there would be no Body, so He is the head! He is my Refuge and my Healer!