Being At Peace With Believers Who Disagree With Me

Ya'll I have a headache and so much to catch you up on! I seriously do not have enough time for this blogging thing, but I love it! The reason I get on here so little these days, I guess, is because I have a life! Ha!! So good to have a life, but I have this thing in me that wants to tell the world all about it, and that takes time, too! Wow! Life doesn't make sense when you think about it, does it! I mean, we'd love to just write all the time, but if we did that we'd have nothing to write about, and if we have a life, we have little time to write. I have to say, I like being busy. I wish more of my time was spent writing, but that is not where God has me now. We'll have to see what the future has in store. The reason I don't do a lot of editting before I publish these, sometimes not at all, is because nothing would ever actually get on here, if I did! Do ya'll recall the devotional book I was writing last November, almost a whole year ago? I'm still studying 1Corinthians chapter 1 for the rewrite of that! Yep! Not a lot of studying time! Most of that was taken up by my little journey within my journey from this summer, and then the journey that has resulted from that journey, which is why I'm doing Breaking Free again. On my own, super slow, and going back and forth a little as God leads. I have read some chapters of the book several times, and I am considering getting out my workbook and doing some of that as well.

I have been going to church and last week as you know, was great. This week not so much. There's a young lady that has said some very hurtful things to people I love very much, at my church, and I know that somehow I have to forgive her, even though, she, in all her self-righteousness, thinks she is in the right. She is judging people based on half-truths and rumors and she has a lot of power in a particular ministry here in town. She's in charge of this particular ministry and decides who should be helped and how. I know her job is tough, and in a way she has to be judgmental, but it still bugs me. She's in a position to really either bless lives or ruin them, and I hate to see her ruining them. The crazy thing is she's a former addict, so I'd really love to remind her of who she once was, and would she really want to encounter herself now as that broken, hurting, desperate woman? Of course, she'd never listen to me, because I'm one of the people she looks down on, and always has, though she won't admit it. I had a bad feeling about her from the moment I met her, but gave her the benefit of the doubt, and tried very hard to see the good in her, and there was a lot to be seen, as she was extremely grateful for all that God has done for her, and I'm sure still is, but she's sure not showing a lot of grace or mercy to others. Particularly if they're people she just doesn't naturally like. However, the question is, how to forgive, while still protecting myself, and remaining on the side of those she's hurt. And not just her. Others have hurt people, too, amongst the counseling group she's a part of, but she's in a position of power that scares me a little. But I do know that God is bigger than all that. It just frustrates me, because I know of one person who could use some help and at times this other person is in a position to help where I can't, and she won't. So, in other words, I want to help and can't, while I see someone who could only hurting. All I can do is listen and tell her how sorry I am and that I know this isn't right. This isn't God's way of doing things. It is hard to deal with this group of counselors at my church and still have fellowship with them while disagreeing. My friend, Jeni, and I seem to handle it well, but that's because she knows me. That's because she ever bothered to get to know me. Now, I know I promised some teaching type of things, but I kind of went off on something else, so that will have to wait.

Oh, yes, one of the pastor's said this morning that he sometimes doesn't feel like going to church, but once he comes he's glad he did, and he remembers that for next time and so even though, he once had to go on faith to believe that God wanted him to go to church, then he went and experienced the blessings of that, and then he also had evidence of what can happen when you obey God. That is nice. Some of us have to go on faith with no evidence for weeks on end. I didn't feel like going back to church after we all returned from Camp Grizzly, but went anyway, and then it was miserable and very discouraging, and it made it harder to want to go. I didn't want to go and be further discouraged, and it's taken me a long time to go back again. I'm hoping I can find a good balance in standing by my convictions and continuing to heal while also being able to fellowship with people who disagree with me in where I am at and where people I love are at.

The Teacher In Me Is About To Burst!

Ya'll! I have had the neatest week in so many ways! I wish I could tell you all about it, but there's just no way!!! I went to church last Sunday for the first time in a long time! Pastor Kim preached an amazing sermon! I still think he should stick to teaching and leave the counseling to others, but don't think the situation is entirely his fault. I do not like the way this counseling group teaches them to counsel people!!! Also, while he was preaching I had some really amazing thoughts based on the passages he read that had very little to absolutely nothing to do with what he was actually preaching on!!! Weird how that happens! I swear I could have taught two whole other lessons on what popped into my head. It resonated so much with me that I jotted down some notes for a possible future blog post on it! I'd do it now, but ya'll it's after 11 at night! It happened again while I was reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore. In a passage she was teaching from something else entirely different, but related very much to my particular bondage, just sort of popped out at me. It wasn't something she had emphasized in her writing, but it hit me and it has been brewing in my brain most of the afternoon! It so relates to my situation and that is one I will definitely be blogging about! Just to give you a head's up, it came from the passage where Peter walks on the water. I know! A passage most of us have read like a zillion times and I'd never thought about it like this before!!!! I love how God does that with His Word! LIVING Word, no doubt!!!! Love it! Anyway, I just thought I'd say hey, before I check out for the night. Let ya'll know I'm still here!

One Of My Worst Days And It's Only Going To Cause More "Worst Days"

Okay, so yesterday was a horrible day. I was sad to see that Mercy Ministries has changed it's name to Resource Ministries. (I mean does that sound cold, calculating, and uncaring to anyone besides me?) And from the things they talked about in why the name change it seems that, much like my church, they are steering much more towards legalism. Also, the Resource Ministries (I hate that name!) is strongly tied to the counseling group that has been severely damaging to me in my situation, which makes me feel that this ministry is much less available to me as a human being with struggles. Also, I discovered that someone else on Twitter, who I interacted with quite a bit, actually, had blocked me. I knew why and consider it to be mostly a difference of opinion. I believe that Christians who are not really being very gracious or compassionate people need to be talked about more. Not by name, just in general. I think it's important that Christians understand that just because a Christian leader tells them something is how it is with you, doesn't make it true. Only God really knows that and constantly judging people without hearing them out is totally wrong and is what my pastor and several others have done with me here in Moscow. They just assume I'm just like everyone else they've dealt with who struggles with depression or sin issues in their lives. Even when they do let me talk, they prove by what they say later, that they didn't even hear what I said. They never bothered listening.

Then, later on in the day, after taking Angela around thrift shopping for her costume pieces for Halloween, I had to go get Jeremiah from football practice. Often his friend and neighbor, Christian, rides with me as well. Otherwise he usually has to walk home. Or chooses to, I'm not sure which. Always when I pick them up, the first words out of his mouth are "I'm hungry. Can we go to McDonald's?" And my answer is always, "No, my husband would kill me if I spent the money, and for good reason. I really can't afford it. You can eat when you get home." (For crying out loud it's not like it takes forever. We live in a town that is all of 11 square miles! It takes less than 5 minutes to get anywhere in town!) I asked, of course, if he's always hungry, which is like, well, duh, he's a 7th grade boy, of course, he's always hungry. The kids proceeded to be irritated and noisy, and Angela was even hitting her brother with a shopping bag from the backseat (he was in the front seat). I told them to settle down. They were going to cause me to get in an accident. Low a behold a few minutes later that is exactly what happened. Not that it's entirely their fault. I should have been paying more attention at the intersection. I went to make a right turn and cross into the far lane, since it was close to where I needed to make a left to get home. Another car was coming from across the road on the other side of the intersection and was already in the far lane, and I sideswiped her! Oh, boy. We both pulled into Walgreen's and got out of our cars to ask each other what we were supposed to do, as neither of us, as it turned out, had ever been in an accident before! I'm usually ultra cautious at that intersection, and am still kicking myself over this! We of course, called the cops, and did everything we were supposed to do. (The police officer helped with this, of course, and explained everything to us, and what we need to do in following up.) And of course, I was issued a citation for an improper turn. Ugh! Stupid me! So there goes 85 dollars, not to mention that, since it was my fault, our insurance will most certainly go up! Talk about a BAD day! I did go home and change out of my sweats into jeans and make it to Jeremiah's Court of Honor, albeit in a t-shirt, which I normally would never do, but oh, well. At least I wasn't wearing sweats :) He received his First Class rank, as well as a whole bunch of merit badges. I'm not sure how many. He did have six weeks of Scout camp, unlike most boys, who only get 1 week! And since I did that I still haven't called Christian's mom to get some information from her that the officer needs for his report since Christian was also in the accident. Ugh! I am so embarrassed. Angela's thrilled, because I'll be in the paper, and that qualifies for her to do her "newspaper" report next week on me, and she can add extra details that won't be in the paper, since she was there. Thrilled for you, Angela, really. (Do you sense the sarcasm.)

Of course, the money situation was already tight and now it's almost impossibly tight, and it was suggested by a friend that maybe I should get a job. Little does she know, that is one of my "issues" and at the thought, I immediately started sweating, heart started pounding...you know, all truly wonderful symptoms of an anxiety attack. I know it's ridiculous, and this whole situation is extremely distressing to me, and I have no doubt what my pastor would say about it. Ugh! Let's not go there!

Halloween Is Ridiculous And So Are My Kids

Okay, people, there is something seriously wrong about children having 5 day weekends! That's backwards. They're supposed to have school for 5 days, and then I get them for only 2 days straight! I mean, if it was Thanksgiving or Christmas it would be fine. Those are vacations, not weekends! But it's not even close. Heck, Halloween is weeks away still (I think). My kids are already asking when we're going to get their costumes. I was secretly hoping they'd forgotten their even was a dressing up, candy gorging holiday coming up, but I guess sending them to public school, and the mall or the grocery store, for that matter, kind of illiminates that possibility. What really gets me is they were selling Halloween decorations and what-not in August! Seriously? Who buys Halloween decorations in August? I buy school supplies in August! I can't afford Halloween, too. Angela wants to be a gangster, which I reluctantly agreed to. It's slightly pushing the whole "no evil costumes" stance I've gone with, but then again, so is Darth Vader, which my husband insists he's going to do when he can afford that "totally awesome" 2,000 dollar costume he saw in some catalog or online or something. No, that was not a typo. They really sell a 2,000 dollar costume for totally insane Star Wars worshipping people. Personally, I have a strict no idol worshipping mindset in my home, but what can you do?!!! Personally, I'm going to work on the guilt factor, if ever we do have an extra 2,000 dollars laying around just waiting to be spent. "Seriously, there are starving people in the world, and you're going to spend 2,000 dollars so you can wear a costume once a year?" Personally, I think it's a good point. I think I'd rather adopt a World Vision child or 2 or 3. That would be a much better use of my money.

Besides the pushing my limits on the "no evil costumes" rule, what happened to my darling little princess? I know, I know. I should have figured out when she begged to play ice hockey that "darling little princess" was out of the question! Or even before that, when she came home bragging that she'd beaten all the boys in her class and even some in the class above her at arm wrestling. In fact, she beat her own brother at arm wrestling. I'm sure he appreciates me broadcasting that to the world! Of course, I don't think she can do that now, cause now he's a big, bad football player. Oh, and he just added for me, "and I kick butt." He gained 25 percent of the yards two nights ago! That might have something to do with the 500 mile an hour moving legs he has!!!! I'm telling you that kid can MOVE!!!! He's a Running Back in case you were wondering! Okay, and then when Angela's brother joined the football team, she announced that she was not going out for boring Volleyball in junior high, thank you very much. She wants to play football cause "you get to hit people and not get in trouble for it." Not that getting in trouble for hitting people has ever stopped her!

Anyway, hopefully the sword wielding Jeremiah and Chloe had better not return to my bedroom to beat on each other on my bed, nearly hitting my laptop! And they still have two more days before school resumes!

Me, Grieving, Alone

Well, the speakers at Women of Faith were awesome as always!!!! I didn't care too much for some of the people I went with as usual. I'm not a big fan of Celebrate Recovery here in Moscow anymore. I do love a few truly wonderful people who go there. Of course, none of them are leaders. What is it with me and leaders? They always seem to misunderstand and judge me, although this time it was mostly one who's not on leadership and thinks she knows me. She doesn't. Most people I find don't even listen to me enough to actually know me. The people who judge me most at Celebrate Recovery are those that aren't even in small group with me, so not only do they not hear me talking about personal things, it's not like 3-5 minutes once a week is enough time of me talking for them to really know me, like they think they do, anyway. Wow! That was a horrifyingly awful run-on sentence! I'm famous for these, but that was really bad! Okay, ADD brain, get back on target. I only knew Lisa Whelchel by name as someone who was a speaker before I went, so she wasn't even one of the speakers I was looking forward to hearing, and yet it was her book I ended up buying, "Friendship for Grown-Ups." If you, like me, had no friends growing up, for whatever reason, I highly recommend it. I've only begun reading it, but I love it, and interestingly enough, she talks about grieving in this book, which I was not expecting. One of the problems I'm having though, is with her assessment that "it's okay to be needy." I find that I'm too needy and this is why I struggle in relationships. It's when I start sharing my struggles, even a little bit, that people either get mean, or run for their lives! This hurts very deeply. As if I didn't need counseling before, I most definitely need it now! But she did give me permission to grieve. Further confirmation for me that I need to grieve the losses in my life! Thirty-six years worth of them, that I have never been allowed to grieve over! Some of these are actual people in my life that have died. Some of these are friendships that were severed and some of it is just things I should have had growing up, like parents who loved me and were affectionate, and talked to me about the things that I was struggling through, instead of me having to go it alone. And of course, all of the abuse! I could be grieving for a while, so if you have a problem with people grieving, you probably don't want to be my friend for many, many years!!!! Hopefully, it won't take 36 years to grieve through 36 years of loss! But I don't think it's going to be overnight either. I wish it would be. It isn't fun for me either. I think the time will be even longer, because I am left alone to grieve, with no one to talk to, because most have indicated in one way or another that they disapprove, and because I've had my trust broken so much over the last several months, I'm finding myself unable to let people close to me, in. Also, there aren't really any Christian Counselors available here, and even the one's that are here, we can't afford. We are down to bare minimum, so I'm stuck. I'm not trusting anyone who is not a professional. I've also quit going to church, cause I'm tired of leaving discouraged and crying. I'm not going to bible study, cause I'm afraid of me talking to much, as usual, and getting hurt. My very personality seems to be wrong. The one I was born with. Anybody who thinks I don't have a sanguine personality, you're wrong. People who knew me when I was little tell me I was a sanguine from the beginning. Years of being torn down took there toll and I became painfully shy, but that's not really who I am! I will not be defined by the me that I became as a result of abuse and depression! I did quit going to Celebrate Recovery, but a friend threatened to kidnap me and drag me there, so I went :) I stuck to her like a leach, and totally avoided talking to certain people but I went.

I Survived!!!!

And here I had anticipated giving you a full run down of my life, but alas, after at least skimming through my friends posts from the last couple of weeks, it is almost 1 am! I'm just going to have to tell you that I'm alive still. We continued to have internet issues, though, I do believe they are solved now. I survived Women of Faith. I did have some emotional issues that involved a run-in with an old friend, who came with us. She judged me and basically, pretty much said she didn't like my personality, and tried to change me. Not entirely. Some of the things she said, she had a point, but she was also missing a lot. Anyway, it was cause for an emotional day and then an emotional couple of weeks with processing everything. Many of the speakers addressed many issues in my life. I will tell you more at a later date (hopefully not too much later!)