More On Our Value

Continuing with the subject I was talking about earlier, I realize that I've been trying to find other things besides just being a stay-at-home mom to do with myself, not because I'm bored or am lacking a social life, although I was lacking a social life for a good chunk of time there. I've been trying to come up with career options or a way to get a job without my family having to suffer. I just know that if I worked outside the home for several hours a day, I would just be cranky and irritable when I came home and had to care for my children. I don't want that for my family. I want them to have a mother and a wife who is glad to see them and wants to spend time with them. I wanted a job or to go back to school, so that my life would have value. I felt worthless, so realizing that my value is not in what I do but in who I am took a huge weight off my shoulders. Will I someday have a job outside the home? Maybe. Will I go back to school? Possibly. But that is not where my value comes from. My value comes from who I am in Christ Jesus. I am His child, created to do good works. But what good works? Not necessarily what the world sees as good works. Even if I never get paid a dime in my life from here on out, I am raising three little people who are part of the future of American and the whole world. Who knows what they will do! And again it doesn't matter. As long as they follow hard after God they will be exactly where he wants them. Sometimes just being there for the people God has placed in our lives is enough. People are our future. Not things. Some of those things will survive and still be around for future generations, some will not. But what we put into other people's lives will carry on and they can pass it on to others in their lives. That's how we make a difference in our world: one individual human being at a time. It might be as simple as offering to help and elderly person cross the street that makes that difference to one person. Or bringing a meal to someone who is sick as I have experienced twice this week already with the flu. It doesn't matter what we do as long as we show the love of Christ to the world.

Where Does Our Value Come From?

My son is reading me Mad Libs that he and his sister did together. He made me laugh into a coughing fit with my cold. Not nice. Anyway, I've been reading a book I got a long time ago when I was in MOPS. It's given me a whole new perspective on life and what's really important in. The lady who wrote it had me do an "exercise" I've never done before and shall never forget as long as I live. She asked me to stop what I was doing and just think about what it is I like about my children. She was relating this to how God feels about us as His children. I stopped and thought about it and pictured each of my children and what I loved about them. You know what? I didn't picture Jeremiah with some huge golden plaque over his head that read "President Of The Science Club" or him receiving one of his many awards in Cub Scouts. I pictured him smiling and laughing and being his goofy self. I don't love my son because he's a science geek. I love him because he's my child! Although, I do enjoy the science geek thing.

Then, I pictured my daughter Angela. Now surely I like her for what she does, but as I closed my eyes what I pictured is her grinning from ear to ear, showing off her adorable dimples and her laughing and doing silly dances in the living room just for my entertainment. Not her selling cookies in her Girl Scout uniform or kicking some major boodie (are Christians allowed to say that) in the AWANA games or even the big red A+ she got on her spelling test last week (although I'm very proud of that, too. Spelling's her most difficult subject.) But again, I don't love her for what she does. I love her for who she is!

Then, I proceeded to picture Chloe. I don't even know why I needed to. I love Chloe for her positive attitude and her smile and laugh. Not because she's so willing to work on homework so very, very hard even when it's difficult and she doesn't understand so much. She just values the work that she puts into it. Obviously I'm very proud of her work ethic, but that's not why I love her.

So, then, I had to ask myself that if I love my children for who they are and not what they do, why don't I believe God when He says that He loves me even when I fail? Do I tell my daughter when she misses a spelling word that she's a loser and will never amount to anything? No. I tell her it's okay. Just keep trying. You'll get it eventually. And even if she never does, I still love her and want to bless her. Why do I think that God's going to right me off every time I fail? It was only in this moment that I really realized the Truth in what so many people have been trying to tell me for a long time.

My worth... Your worth, no matter who you are, does not come from what you do! It comes from who you are in Christ! If you do not know Christ, let me know (in English please) and I would be happy to introduce you!

My Sickly, Crazy Life For The Moment!

Well, my kids are soon going to be home, so I'm getting ready to start the craziness, even while still sick. Thankfully, my friend, Geni, is bringing dinner over, so at least I don't have to worry about dinner. My other friend, Jeni (don't ask my how I ended up with so many friends with various spellings of Jenny in my life. I have no idea!), brought me Chicken Soup last night, which I was still enjoying today, since my family never returned last night to enjoy it with me. Don't worry, they arrived in time for bed!

Sickly and Still Crazy Enough To Want To Lead A Bunch Of Crazy Girls!

I was getting sick! Very sick! I had no idea. Yesterday my temperature peaked at around 103! I don't remember the last time I had what could actually be classified as a fever! No wonder I felt like I was dying and everything hurt so much! Angela, you do not want to get sick! Trust me! I would rather be stressed out with too much work to do than absolutely miserable and knowing that my husband is the one running my kids everywhere in-between obligations because I am totally out of commission! Figures I'd be that sick on a Wednesday! My most delightfully busy day of the week! See that's the day that I sort of have a social life. I go to bible study (so all that studying was wasted since I wasn't there) and then after school and homework and dinner, me and the girls go to Girl Scouts. Turns out I might get to be an Assistant Girl Scout Leader for the Jr. Girl Scouts after all! They'll have to train me from scratch because I know absolutely nothing about Girl Scouts. I, myself, never got past Brownies, which is what Chloe is at this point, plus I think too much like a Boy Scout, with my son being a Boy Scout and my husband being what they call a professional Boy Scout (which I still think sounds so funny). I was going to ask if I could be an Assistant Scout Master to which my daughter (Angela) said, "Mom you've got to quit calling them Scout Masters. They're not Scout Masters in Girl Scouts. They're called Girl Scout Leaders. You've got to stop thinking like a Boy Scout." She's right. Time to stop thinking like a Boy Scout and start thinking like a Girl Scout.

P.S. If you were wondering my temerature was down to 99.5 when I checked it this morning. Still sick, but not as miserable as I was. By the way, my average temp isn't 98.6 like most people's. It's usually more in the low 97 range, so 103 is especially bad. Probably more like the rest of you having a temp of 104.

Getting Sick and Don't Know If My Head Can Handle More Studying

Ugh! I think I'm getting sick! I stayed up way to late last night and did end up taking a nap today, but needless to say my head is feeling slightly too large for my body and my throat hurts! Is this what happens when you spend too much time with your nose in Strong's Concordance?! I liked the observe step of inductive bible study much better. This interpretation step is a lot more work!

Fried Brain From Too Much Studying

Why is it that I'm always on here so late? Maybe because I'm so busy cleaning and being a mom the rest of the time! I really am going to call you soon, Stacy. I'm just always on here so late and that's when I remember I need to call you. I really don't have a lot to say tonight, since my brain is pretty much fried from all the Concordance studying I've been doing on 1 Corinthians 1. Wow there is a lot there! I'll have to tell you about it sometime if I can ever make sense of my notes! I'm finding it all a little overwhelming! Maybe I'm not really cut out for teaching bible studies after all, but I'm sure everyone feels this way when they do this kind of thing the first time!

My Time At The Hope Center

Okay, I promised my friends on facebook I would explain more about why volunteering at the Hope Center was such a huge step of faith for me personally. So here it is!

First, I think I need to explain a little about what the Hope Center is. It's a ministry involving many churches in Moscow, Idaho. They have their own building called the Hope Center here in town. It includes a thrift store, a food bank, and last I knew they also offered free tutoring for K-12. As far as I know they are still hoping to someday have counselors and possibly a mechanic who can help low-income people with their cars at a substantially lower cost than anywhere else. Like hopefully only having to charge for the parts, not the labor. Obviously, someone trained in these areas would have to volunteer their time in order for that to happen. I think there might be financial counseling available at this time. Not sure on that one.

Now, to my part in this story. Growing up on a ranch there was a lot of work to be done and everyone in the family was expected to contribute. I'm not sure what my siblings would say their experiences were like in this area, but all I remember is getting yelled at and asked why I couldn't do anything right. I had the same experience working on my homework in the house. When I would make a mistake my mother would say to me, "And you wonder why all the kids think you are so stupid." It wasn't a pleasant experience and I quickly learned to find somewhere else to be when there was work to be done, and tried to hide the fact that I even had homework to do. I rarely did it and barely graduated from high school. I just squeaked by somehow. When I went to college I didn't work at first but eventually had to, especially after I got married. I only had a couple of jobs, but I experienced similar responses from my bosses. Even at the Christian Camp my husband and I worked at during the summer. I continually got yelled at and told I was too slow. I learned too slowly and even once I got the idea and had it figured out I didn't do my work quickly enough. I do remember my father complaining about this as well. I decided to have kids right away, instead of waiting like we had planned, because I knew my husband wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom, at least for a while and I very much wanted to get out from under a boss and pretty much any environment where I had to work with other adults. So, I've avoided any kind of service at church or anywhere, where people might be watching and might criticize me. Any criticism at this stage of my life is taken very hard and I basically have a nervous breakdown.

When, my mentor (that is sort of what you've become, Jeni) suggested that I volunteer at the Hope Center before attempting to find a job to help with my family's terrifying financial state, you cannot even imagine how terrified I was. After all, I had worked in a "Christian" environment before and the unthinkable happened. I was treated like a worthless piece of garbage. So, I wasn't at all confident that the Hope Center would be any better. I tossed and turned all through Monday night, with all the horrible things that were said to me in the past rolling around in my head, like an old CD with no stop button, continually playing over and over again. I cried, thinking that one more criticism would kill me. In actuality it already had. I was just a walking dead woman. My intelligence was even insulted once by one of the leaders at Celebrate Recovery, although he didn't realize he was doing it at the time, but believe me, that was on the tape, too. I've often been called lazy and told I have a poor work ethic. That really hurts me, because I really do value hard work. I'm just terrified of being insulted if I try and fail. When I hear others say I do not have a good work ethic, it literally feels like someone just stabbed me in the chest with a knife. I hate having that reputation. Anyway, I ended up calling Jeni in the wee hours of the morning (I'm thinking she's getting really tired of the phone calls at odd hours) and told her I couldn't sleep. I was crying as usual and she said to not volunteer if it was upsetting me that much, but I did anyway. I helped sort clothes for almost an hour. Although, I don't really know how much of an accomplishment this was since that's pretty much what I do at home and it was really boring. I think next time I'll bring my ipod.

Me, The Loser

Okay, my last post sucked. And I can't believe I got comments on it so quickly. I'm totally embarassed, but seriously thinking God should remove me from this earth right now, before I can do any more damage. I mean, seriously, what good have I done. I try to be myself and admit to my weaknesses (which I obviously have a lot of!) It just seemed today that I could do nothing right. I feel horribly guilty that my family is so broke and because of my instability emotionally, I don't dare try to get a job, so I can't help financially. All I do is spend money and I apparently don't do a very good job of deciding what we need and don't need. I can't help my kids with their homework. I can't even deal with their emotions. Particularly when they get mad about decisions I make due to time constraints. We just really didn't have much time for baths tonight, so I told Chloe she had to just wash herself and get out. No time for playing and she had a fit! I was already upset because neither of them listened to me when it came to their homework and then whined and cried, because they messed it up. I've already pretty much volunteered to be an Assistant Girl Scout Leader for their troop this year and I know I'm going to totally screw that up. I mean, I can't even help my two girls and I'm going to have a whole bunch of girls! Please! What was I thinking!

House Painting

Well, today my family and I had some people pop in and out and help with the painting of our house. It's starting to get pretty cold out there, but Josh and our brother-in-law, Danny (Josh's sister's husband) are still out there working on something. I think they're mostly cleaning up everything, so we can call it a night. They got quite a bit of work done on the house done! Most of the backside of the house is painted now. We just have to wait for the caulking to dry and put siding on and paint all of that that's left.

My Life Story: Introduction

How do you like my new quotes? The first one is one I've said a lot, cause so much of the time it is true....on soooo many levels. The other two are things I am trying to tell myself more and more and more. Today was kind of a difficult day. I just had so many thoughts going around in my head that I couldn't keep anything straight, not even to be able to talk about them much, but I tried and most of them were not bad. They were just thoughts as I am just now realizing the full reality of where I've been, how people have treated me in the past, and how God can use that if I'm willing to be truly honest about it, so that He can show the true miracle of who He is turning me into, which who He is turning me into with my past is impossible without His grace. You can only fully understand this if you know where I've come from, so over the next.....I really don't know how long. Probably the rest of my life I am going to try to share with you little snippets from my life. Some of them the way I remember them might be slightly exaggerated, but it's how I remember it and most definitely the feeling of it all, the intensity of that is absolutely real, so I'm going to share my shameful story anyway! It ends well, and it's only going to end better as time goes on, because I know my God and I know that He knows the plans for me and they are to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future! (Jeremiah 29:11)

Our Desires

You know I've been listening to this preacher that I love, but don't always agree with. He talks about making "vision lists", which sounds great and all, but what bothers me is when he says that if you see something and you like it, put it on the list. I do not go for the "Name it and claim it" theology. Do I agree that God doesn't just provide for our physical needs, but also our desires? Yes!!!! Our godly desires. I don't know about you, but not all of my desires are always godly. And He is going to make me pay the price for my sins. Sins like buying things I didn't need and couldn't afford and shouldn't have had! I did not spend my money on things that God wanted for me. I spent it on what I wanted. And I didn't want God deciding for me. Sometimes I still don't. Now! Am I a believer? Absolutely! But obviously not perfect! I occasionally have ungodly desires, even acting on them. That's called sin, and I have yet to meet any Christian who has completely quit sinning, ever! No, I don't do it consistently and I definitely don't do it intentionally anymore. At least I haven't for a very long time. Just because I might want a beemer (which, I don't) doesn't mean God wants me to have one. Oh, yes, I enjoy looking at expensive cars, but to be honest with you, the thought of me driving one nearly scares me half to death! I am not a good driver and cheaper cars are definitely a better idea. Fast, expensive cars would be completely wasted on me. I drive so slow it drives my kids insane. I don't even want to drive that fast! My little Subaru has never gone as fast as it probably can and even that isn't very fast! Anyway, I've gone far from my point. I think I already made my point.

Insomnia

Well, I didn't get a lot done today, but the kids did their part. I'm still having trouble sleeping which seems to be a chronic problem for me. I don't remember ever in my adult life, sleeping well. It seems to have very little to do with my moods, whether or not I nap during the day, how much caffeine I take in or anything else. It usually doesn't cause me a lot of problems, but occasionally it really messes with my productivity like today. I had to take a nap! I was exhausted and if I hadn't I can guarantee I wouldn't sleep at all tonight! That just seems to be the way I work! And, of course, I still might not sleep tonight, who knows.

A Day Of Rest

My kids are home! I have wasted the entire day! It's been wonderful! I feel sort of guilty, but I really shouldn't since I worked all weekend! Josh is even doing the grocery shopping today! I do have to take Jeremiah to his Troop meeting tonight, and pick him up! Ugh! I don't get to be completely lazy all day! I may actually have to comb my hair! Darn it! I tried so hard! I made breakfast this morning. (Such hard work pouring cereal!) and then cleaned up the kitchen which I managed to mess up even just fixing cereal. That's because I had to mix up some dry milk, cause we were out of milk. It's really not bad on cereal. You just don't want to drink it. Yuck! Then, I had my quiet time, listened to praise music, took a shower, took a nap, had lunch and then my kids came home while I was on here. Yay! What a wonderfully wasteful day!

A Much Better Day

It's been a much better day. I decided to let my kids play with their friends and not let Satan win by messing with my kids very healthy social life. My daughter, Angela and her friend Lizzy got to talking today about how controlling parents can be when it comes to who they'll let you be friends with and such. They were complaining about it. Someday they'll understand just like we now understand why our parents wouldn't let us be friends with certain people. I have much different standards then my parents did, but they still had standards and I respect that a lot more than I did when I was a kid. Some of it I don't, because some of it was just selfish on their part, but some of it I totally get and some of the kids they didn't like that I hung out with when they weren't looking I wouldn't want my kids to spend time with either. (That was the worst run-on sentence on earth, but oh, well.) Anyway, I'm still not letting anyone in my house, but my kids are playing with their friends and sometimes they come over here and I let them play outside. I don't need anyone in here while I'm cleaning and reorganizing (or trying to. I'm not very good at it.) everything. It's going to take months as bad as I've let it get. My husband's working on the outside of the house which is totally falling apart. I'd rather have my job, mostly because I hate heights and he has to stand on a ladder. Also, because I hate paint. It's just so messy and such a pain to try to get out of anything. I don't think I have anything I can wear to paint. I got rid of all my cruddy clothes. Good thing I kept his. I just like to look cute even when I'm working. I seriously doubt if I do, but I try!

Having A Hard Time

I'm so sorry that it's been a while. It's been a little bit too much drama and not the good kind to get on here. I knew I wouldn't be able to post anything, cause I couldn't think of anything except the one thing I can't post about. Let's just stay I've been struggling with trusting anyone at all and even letting my kids play with their friends. I'm very paranoid and suspicious of everyone. This is not a good thing at the place I am at in my recovery from my depression.

After First Day Of School

My kids just got home from school. Apparently they had a very good day at school. Jeremiah did not get teased, Chloe liked the new kids, and Angela had a good day, too, I guess.

The First Day Of School

Aaah, it's absolutely silent in my house, except for Beth Moore's voice coming from my computer with this week's radio lesson. And I can shut her off any time I want to, unlike my children! Not that I don't adore my children, but I definitely need the break. I'm looking forward to hearing all about their first day of school and what they think of their new teachers for those that have new teachers. Jeremiah's teacher was also his third grade and fifth grade teacher! And he's been in the same classroom since third grade. Someone else taught in that class in 4th grade, but he was in the same classroom! It's a good thing we love Mrs. Knott! It should be a fun year. Jeremiah gets to go to Science Camp this year. I know he's looking forward to that. We're hoping he'll be able to at least begin to earn his Environmental Science merit badge for Boy Scouts while he's there. Take care of some of the requirements at least. Angela has a teacher that Jeremiah never had, so it will be neat getting to know her. Chloe's teacher was also Angela's 2nd grade teacher, so I already know I absolutely love her. MCS has great teachers! One of the many reasons we love this school and wouldn't want to send our kids anywhere else!