My Own Personal "Shack" Part 2

I wish this really was a shack, preferably in the mountains or near the ocean, but definitely way farther away from people. All the noise outside my house is driving me crazy! I'm a naturally curious person, so even in the middle of a very intense prayer time with God if I hear something I peak through the curtains to see what is going on! I even saw a friend out there once. He works for our next door neighbor, so he's here a lot. It was all I could do not to open the window and shout "Hi, Dan!" but I didn't. God and I've gotten through a lot of pages today. It's sparked some hope in my heart. I plan to not answer the door, but I don't have curtains on all my windows, including the one on my door, so when I'm stretched out on the couch, like I am right now you can see me through the window on the door. Or, you can't completely see me all the time, but as a knee jerk reaction (much like the issue I'm dealing with) I pop my head up when I hear a knock. So far, it's just been kids looking for my kids. The first night, before I had this plan, Jeremiah's good friend, Nathan, knocked on the door and I answered and told him that no one else is home. Just me. So hopefully the other kids will talk to him and find out no one else is here. I'm sure the kids that knocked last night think I'm a freak! They knocked once. I popped my head up and then scrunched back down to ignore them. They came back a couple minutes later and knocked again. This time I popped my head up and waved them away, shaking my head and mouthing "go away." Yeah, like I said, they probably think I'm a freak. This is part of what I'm getting over. Worrying about what other people think of me, and allowing it to really get to me. See the problem is when someone criticizes me, or I think they did, I begin to fear that what they say about me is true! Especially if they use words like "lazy", "stupid", "worthless", or "gross." These are things I was called in my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive home growing up. My laziness is not really laziness. It's fear. Fear of screwing up. Fear of proving that I'm stupid and worthless. Mostly, I just don't let people get close enough to hurt me. What I'm doing now may seem to be only increasing the likeliness of that problem, but what happens is when I read these things about myself or hear them, I get angry. Not just at the person, but at everyone! At my husband, at my kids, at anyone who may be nearby! I say terrible, mean things that I would never say otherwise to drive them away! To drive everyone away! It's not even conscious, but I do it! I stop believing anything positive anyone says about me. And, of course, ultimately, since I believe that what the person said about me or I perceived they said about me, is true, I end up being angry with myself and wanting to end my life! Too many people in my life, know all too well, how often this happens. If I could see it coming I might be able to stop it, but what I mean by it being uncontrollable (a word I used to describe it in my last post) is that I do see it starting, but I can't stop it. I told you it's complicated! I don't even realize how much hearing those things about myself still affects me, until I see or hear those ugly words again. I'll think I'm doing well. Things are going along just fine and then wham! Somebody slams me with those sorts of accusations (or perceived accusations. I think you get the point about the perception thing! Can we just assume from now on that's sometimes the case? I wasn't accused at all, but I thought they did?) and I go off on them or my family or friends, or all of the above! You get the point. And then, of course, I turn it on myself. And I do realize that my being frozen by fear makes me appear to be lazy, but I'm not! I was raised on a ranch! Are you kidding me?! I know what real work is! I've done it! And been told over and over again that it wasn't good enough. That I didn't try hard enough or I was worthless and would never amount to anything. Or, how could I be so stupid! I could go on and on about the things my parents and teachers would say about the work that I did, but you get the point. I believed it, to the core of my being, and now somehow, even though I know what God's Word says about me, those lies are so deeply rooted, I can't seem to get to a place where they don't cause me to overreact. I still fear that all those things are true of me.

Now, as many of you know, I can't figure out how to comment on my own blog with the recent changes blogger has made, so I'm going to comment to your comments here in this post. Everytime I tried to comment using my blogger account or URL address it just tells me I'm not a member of that site! Really!?! I didn't know I had to be a member of my OWN BLOG!!!

So, here goes: KtCallista- thank you! There is one thing I could use right about now. I have quite a list going, but this is the only one I could really use right now or it will be too late (planning to order online and have things shipped UPS). Do you happen to have some Epsom Salt? Or could you get some and I could pay you back? I could really use it for my ingrown toenail. I'm really hoping I don't have to go back to the doctor for my appointment on Tuesday to have it removed, now that the infection is gone. I didn't think Epsom salt would help before. I mean I've used it for sore muscles, but not something like this. Someone at Camp Grizzly before I left told me it actually would help, so I'm going to try it if I can?

Candy- I'm so glad Angela got to go to VBS! I was a little worried about that! Tell her MOMMY. LOVES. HER. SO. MUCH. and I'll see her soon, but I can't talk to her right now. I'm doing this as much for her and her brother and sister as I am for myself and her daddy. She won't understand now, but I'm hoping someday she will!

Sojourner- Huh? I think I'm missing something? What are you talking about? I mean, I know what you're talking about, but I don't get the connection between that and my post? How'd you come up with that from that? I'm sure you had a point. You always do, but I don't get it!

My Own Personal "Shack"

Well, no pictures for a while. I'm back home in Moscow, Idaho, but no, I'm not available for coffee, prayer, or anything else! Sorry to disappoint but this is me time! God has got my complete and undivided attention and He better take advantage of it! Yes! I'm giving God the ultimatum! I'm dealing with a particular, uncontrollable issue (sin) in my life, that rears its ugly head from time to time, and has for all of my Christian life, and I'm SICK of it!!!!!! I originally went to Celebrate Recovery for exactly this reason almost 6 years ago! I've done Breaking Free by Beth Moore, prayed many scripture prayers over it. Even prayed my own handwritten Psalms as well as prayers from Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit, but no, it still plagues me when I least expect it. So, after having yet another irrational reaction to someone else's sin at Camp Grizzly, I have returned to Moscow and have locked myself in my house, because I just can't deal face-to-face with other homo sapiens right now! Anyway, without further ado, I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to rewrite a segment from my journal this morning for you, so you get the idea of where I'm at right now. I'm quite done hiding. I'm no longer going to hide myself and my struggles, even publicly. I know some others think this is a bad idea, but others not knowing what my triggers are has created a lot of problems. In blogland, at Camp Grizzly, even on facebook, so I'm letting it all out, mostly.

From my journal:
Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life. Whether or not it'll be good remains to be seen. At the end of this time I'll either be free or I'll be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm starting over with the "Looking Up" devotional book I ordered and I'm somehow going to have to get through it in just a little over a month. That's when my family returns from Camp Grizzly. I've never personally read the book, but from what I've heard, I'm feeling a little like the guy in "The Shack." Except I'm not in the mountains (unfortunately), though they're very nearby. I am not void of responsibility. There are way too many peopl, too close to me, in houses on either side of my trailer house. Any of you who've ever lived in or even seen a trailer park can probably picture it! There is definitely too much laundry! And I'm doing product testing right now for one of the survey groups I'm a part of online, so I can't stop doing that in the middle. After all, I did get a free product to test. It's only fair that I do what I said I would. (Oh! Why do I have to be so responsible at a time like this?!) And I have a feeling my husband and kids (who I left at Camp Grizzly) are going to poke their heads in from time to time. God's going to have to keep my landlord away. I really don't like that guy! (Talk about a distraction from my goal!) He's also going to have to keep all Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses away from me! Lord knows we have way more than our fair share of them around here, and I definitely don't want them to catch me in this raw emotional state! That would be bad! Hopefully the Kirby guy won't bother me too much! That's another huge (and rather annoying) distraction, in the middle of my living room! NEVER let those people past the front door!!!!!! Especially when you're about ready to leave for the summer and you just want to shut them up (and have them help you finish cleaning) and get them out of your house! Those people will not take no for an answer, I'm telling you! Again, distractions! More and more distractions! Most of them wanting my money that I don't have!!! Of course, I need to keep all doors and windows shut, so the neighbors don't hear me, so God's going to have to keep it cool in here, also. So, I apologize in advance to all the Idahoans who keep hoping for a real summer, if it stays extremely cold, sometimes dropping down to winter-like temperatures. Entirely my fault! But God's going to have to show up and be undeniably, unbelievably HUGE! I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty skeptical. I'm not sure He's up to the task. This one particular are of continual sin in my life (that's really hard to describe) is so deeply rooted that it seems even He can't get to it! Or He just doesn't want to!

Okay. so I added a few things, but that's basically it! If you hear I got struck by lightning, you know why!

Chloe At The Park, Me On The Computer, Jeremiah's Crazy!!!

This is Chloe at the park in Potlatch, Idaho. Isn't she beautiful?! I have no idea what this is she's standing in front of? If someone who's maybe spent some more time at the park in Potlatch could tell me what this is, I'd love to know!?

Okay, it's official! My son's a freak!

Umm, there must be a cute girl nearby??!!!
This is me sitting at my our family computer at home, looking like my usual dorky self!

It's kind of late at Camp Grizzly, my toe hurts, and it's been a long day, so I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow. Good night!

Angela's Crazy Pictures And We're At Camp Grizzly, But Not Healthy:(

This is Angela experimenting with taking pictures of herself. What a funny kid! She wants her dad to start a photography Venturing Scout post, so there will be one for her to join when she gets old enough to join Venturing. It's a scouting program for boys and girls through the BSA. They always have a special emphasis. There is a cycling crew as of right now. He's working on a shooting sports crew. I'm sure that will be very popular in this area!

Anyway, as most of you know, we are at Camp Grizzly currently. Me and Chloe have been here for a week tomorrow night. Angela came up early with her dad. A couple of days before us. Jeremiah's team got third in their baseball tournament. They did play on Saturday morning, but they lost to Genesee, so they didn't make the final game. That was between Genesee and the Potlatch Loggers. I have no idea who won. I didn't stay long enough. I hope it was Genesee! The Potlatch dynasty needs to be taken down!!!! I will have some pictures from Camp Grizzly the next time I download more pictures! Right now people are helping in the Trading Post right next to me. I think they just got most of the candy and other snacks, so the whole staff is all excited even though they don't get to eat any of this candy unless they pay for it! We just got through eating all of the outdated candy that they took out of there, which is probably why I gained back all but 4 pounds I had lost! That and the fact that I can't walk like I had hoped to, cause I got an ingrown toenail that has become very badly infected. I had to go to QuickCare yesterday in Moscow, so now I'm on antibiotics. I actually waited a whole 'nother day past when the medic here told me I needed to see a doctor! I'm stubborn like that! Especially since I have no insurance and I know I have to pick up Jeremiah when he returns from Camp Easton and I have to take the kids next week to get their new lenses put in their glasses, since those are in. I was waiting until Jeremiah came back to do that, so I could do all three at once. Plus I had a list of things to get when I returned. Some I forgot, others we ran out of, like cold medicine, since I have three coughing children. Now much of the staff has sore throats! Of all the things I would like to share with the staff....that was not one of them!!! Oh, well, the joy of living with lots of other people in a sort of community. Everyone who's ever worked here calls it the "Grizzly family" because you do sort of become a family and all you have to do is work here one year and you never get out of the Grizzly family. It's permanent just like a blood family. You come back and they all embrace you! It's like the family of God, but not quite! It is good, though...most of the time!! Just like with a real family. Anyway, Josh took me in, because he had to discuss with them the fact that I needed taking care of right now, but we can't pay right now. They weren't real nice about that, but we got it taken care of, and we got my antibiotics and made an appointment for July 5 in Troy with my regular doctor to get the ingrown toenail removed. First we have to get rid of the infection for them to be able to do that! I don't think it's really hit the girls that my time in the water has been put off much longer now. The camp medic told me to stay out of the water. No swimming, but now that it's official that it's infected, I can't swim until at least the infection's gone. I don't know how long I have to keep it dry and clean after she cuts it out. Anyway, my girls are getting better, even though Angela's coughing half to death next to me. Or she was. Now, she's in the Trading Post. I did tell you that my posts would be very rough during Camp Grizzly, right?! Talk later. It's almost time for lunch!

My Kids "Big" Personality And Me, Struggling

I'm pretty sure Angela took this picture. She absolutely loves taking pictures. I'm pretty sure she's going to take photography classes the first chance she gets! And I KNOW she took these pictures of her egg, Bob. Bob got eaten, but not for a long time. We buy eggs in bulk. They have these large crate things stacked on each other at WinCo and that's how we buy them. Josh and I being on a high protein diet, eat a lot of eggs, so that's why. Angela decided to draw on this one and name it Bob. She then put it back into the refridgerator. Neither Josh or I had the heart to eat it for a very long time. I smiled every time I opened the refridgerator and saw "Bob" all by himself with all the eggs around him already eaten. Bob is gone now, so I'm assuming Josh finally ate him. "Bob" couldn't live forever, after all:)

It's exhausting having kids with such big personalities, but it's also really fun. I do understand why my mom decided to crush my spirit rather than enjoy my God-given personality, but somehow I can't do that with my kids. While it is exhausting, it's also a blast and why I love them so much. It is hard to teach them to behave appropriately in public. Sometimes it's okay to be crazy and sometimes it isn't. I, myself, as I've begun to revive my "big" personality have a hard tiem learning how to control myself. I was shut up inside myself for so long, it's hard to know when to "let it all out" and when to hold back. It's also hard to let myself just be sad sometimes and cry. It's hard to know who to trust and when to do it. And sometimes I hold back for so long that I can't when it is appropriate and I should. It's very frustrating. I've been dealing a lot with the fact that I couldn't cry in my home growing up and I never received comfort from anyone. In fact, my pain was never affirmed. I was always told to "quit being a baby" and that it wasn't that big a deal. ALWAYS! Whether it was a pet that had died or my boyfriend raping me. It wasn't a big deal and wasn't okay to cry about it. I just had to suck it up and get on with life. I couldn't. After one thing after another and so much pain buried inside of me, I couldn't keep it together and I still can't. I am in a great deal of pain over the fact that I'm not supposed to hurt and I'm not supposed to wish I had a real flesh and blood mother whose lap I could crawl into and cry, and not even really have a reason for it, except that I never got to as a child. And then, I realize that I'm way too old for that, and it's too late. And that hurts, sooooo much, I can't even tell you. I wish I was okay being me, but I'm not. I wish I was okay dealing with these things on my own, but I'm not. However, I'm not okay dealing with them in front of people either. I'm ashamed even to admit that I have this need for flesh and blood to comfort me and be there for me emotionally. I'm not supposed to need that. I'm supposed to be my happy, sanguine self, all the time.

Jeremiah's 6th Grade Graduation! (Please Tell Me I'm Not Going To Blink And It's Going To Be High School!)

Okay, obviously, as you can clearly see, it was impossible to get this kid to let me take any serious pictures on graduation day. He tried very hard in the second picture down to keep me from taking his picture. Either that or he really wanted you to see the top of his graduation cap, as if you'd never seen a mortarboard, right?!!!

Oh, yes, and obviously I found the cord to my camera. Of course it does have a card, so we would have gotten the pictures on here eventually, but I couldn't charge the camera without that cord either, so I wouldn't have had a camera long without it! Can't really afford to buy rechargable batteries over and over again. They're rechargeable for a reason! You're supposed to be able to recharge them, which is why they're more expensive and from what I understand this camera doesn't have the option of using non-rechargables!!! The cord was used for both downloading and charging. I have an adapter for the charging part. They didn't lose the adapter! They've been let know that they better put my stuff back where it goes when they're done with it or they won't be allow to use my camera at all!!!

No More Pictures

Well, sorry folks! No more pictures! Ever! I'm certainly not bothering to buy another camera! EVER! My kids are always in a hurry and always rushing through my purse to get stuff out, even though there is never any need for them to hurry so stinkin' fast, and thanks to them, we no longer have a cord for my camera. It won't recognize any other cord, so there will be no more pictures!

One More "Wounded" Picture And Jeremiah As A Baby

Apparently Jeremiah took the pictures that are on my camera, of his own "battle wounds." Apparently, battle wounds are always worthy of camera space with boys! They show them off like some sort of trophy! What's up with that?! To me it's just another thing that will probably produce another scar when I get hurt! I guess that's just how we women are. Constantly worried about how everything's going to affect the "beauty" factor! But the "manliness" factor with them is totally different! I'd forgotten I had this on my camera. This is actually a picture of a picture that's on my wall! Normall we'd try to take it out of the frame, but it's stuck to the glass and when we took Angela's baby picture out a few years ago, we ripped the bottom of it. We were not about to make that mistake again! We needed a baby picture for his graduation! I absolutely love this picture and yes, he has always been that adorable!!!
By the way, Sojourner5, thank you for reminding me not to hug and kiss him and call him my little man when I drop him off at junior high!!! LOL! He's normally the type of kid who hugs and kisses ME in public, and tells the other kids, "Hey, what's wrong with you! Don't you love your mama? You should love your mama!" But I would imagine that at least for a while he'll be feeling a little awkward around all the students he doesn't yet know, so having me hugging and kissing him wouldn't help! And I certainly hope I remember not to call him my little man! That would be humiliating in front of people he hopes will be new friends! The only reason I'm not commenting in a comment is for some reason when I try to comment, Blogger no longer recognizes my account, even though OBVIOUSLY this is my account!!!
Anyway, this is my little man when the "little" part of that statement was much more accurate! People have been pointing out to me when they see me with him, lately, that he's just on the verge of overshooting me, heighth wise! I have no doubt, he understands that does not make me "below" him! He knows, because we've taught him well, that no matter how big he gets, I'm still the parent and he's still the child! At least until he moves out, and then that relationship will shift a little, as long as he doesn't want money :) He also understands that he will always be my baby, but he would prefer if I didn't call him that in front of his friends (I've slipped a time or two!)!

The Last Of The Play Pictures!

I realize that this is a horrible picture, but I wanted you to get an idea of just how small my children's charter school really is! They limit their enrollment to keep it this way, so they can have plenty of one-on-one time for each of the kids. Yet another reason Junior High is probably going to be a total shock to Jeremiah's system next year! All of a sudden all of those now seventh graders that have been going to all of the different elementary school's in Moscow will be converging into one junior high school! Well, some of them will probably go to private schools or to the other charter school, which does include 7th and 8th grades, but you know what I mean. The majority of them. It is tradition that at the end of the play they invite all of the classes to come up on stage together and that's what this is, and they sing one last song together. It's kind of sad that this will be Jeremiah's last year at the charter school. In fact, we realized at the beginning of the year that this is the last year that all of my kids will be in the same school at the same time. I could bawl right now over it, but I'm not going to! I'll wait till the fall when I drop my little man off at the junior high!!! It's quite funny, cause they line the kids up by grades with the kindergartners in front, but you couldn't see my sweet little second grader, cause she's so tiny! All of the much taller 1st graders buried her! She would have fit much better height wise with the kindergartners! Poor Chloe! She had to be tiny like her mama, didn't she!?! She absolutely hates that people think she's much younger than she is! I told her what my mother always told me, even though I didn't believe her at the time! I told her someday she'll appreciate looking younger than her age!!! I definitely do now!!! I love that people look at me and think for sure, I got married right out of high school! Not true, but thank you!!!!! I was actually 22 when I got married, but don't tell my kids! I still tell them I'm 25! They don't believe me! They also are not convinced that I have eyes in the back of my head! Why did I have to have kids that are so much less blonde than me, even though two of them are blonde!!!! This is Jeremiah as an Aztec Ruler. He plays the part so well, don't you think? He looks like he should be a ruler! Certainly not in my home, although he'd like to!!! He made that headdress himself! Are you impressed?!And this is Angela to your left, with very dark clothes on and a very dark backdrop. Not a good combination, but hopefully you can see her! She's supposed to be a Texan. She's wearing a cowboy hat (it's foam. We paid 3 dollars for it at Michael's!) a very western looking vest I bought years ago at a thrift store and figured we'd never have a use for. Angela just liked it, and jeans and cowboy boots! When she first told me she needed a costume for a Texan woman I immediately sat up straight and said, "Okay, somebody get me some bleach and a teasing comb!" My kids immediately rolled their eyes, cause they knew exactly who I was thinking of! When Angela suggested a cowboy hat and cowboy boots (excuse me, cowGIRL hat and CowGIRL boots! She always corrects me on that!) I said, "But I've never seen Beth Moore wear a cowgirl hat or cowgirl boots!" (Yes, I actually did make that gender distinction myself during this conversation! Aren't you proud of me?!) Of course, Chloe wanted to know what a teasing comb was, and when I explained it to her she immediately wanted one!!! Doesn't it just figure that with her super fine, flat hair that you can hardly do anything with she wants big hair in the WORST way! Come to think of it why couldn't she have been the Texas woman?! We could have skipped the first part (the bleach) since she's as blonde as anyone could possibly be already!!! But, no, the whitest kid in school was a slave! Go figure! (Again, not being racist! It's just a fact that slaves in America were black! Get over it! You can't change our history, as ugly as it may be!) Anyway, she did convince me to go with the extremely stereotypical idea of all Texans being cowgirls! Ugh! Besides, it was easier than bleaching her hair and teasing it! Although, that would have been fun!!! Haven't done that since my cowgirl days!! Now, I suppose I'm going to have to tell you about that part of my life someday!!!

This Is Probably The Last One Of Just Chloe

This is also a picture of Chloe. She took a country dance class after school for about half the year and here they were doing their dance! It was very hard to take a picture of them dancing up there as they were going around in circles and things, but she's the shortest one here as almost is always the case

Another Play Picture

This picture also highlights my youngest daughter, Chloe. Again, she is in white on the right side of the picture, as you're facing it. I'm sure I will have much more to say once we've settle in at Camp Grizzly. Right now, my head's too full of stuff I have to get done before I go to Camp Grizzly, so I can't really think clearly enough to write. So sorry, but you're going to get a lot of pictures and few words from me for the next couple of weeks, probably!

My Little Slave

My kids had their all school play last week and this is one of Chloe's scenes. She's the one in front all dressed in white with the patch. She's supposed to be a slave. I know this might sound racist, but for the slave days of the United States, is she not the whitest slave you've ever seen? Some might say that's racist, but seriously, last time I checked my history books, slaves in America were black! That's not racist. It's just a fact. They got their slaves from Africa and they're rather dark over there! They're beautiful actually. I'm a little jealous of their skin! Especially as I'm lathering 60 SPF sunscreen on my skin constantly on my irish skin, in the summer time! And sometimes I still get burnt! I should probably use 80 SPF sunscreen! I saw some in the store the other day, believe it or not! They're starting to figure out that some of us have such pale skin we almost glow in the dark and we need stronger sunscreen than others! I mean, when you're a mix of irish, german, and scottish, it makes for some rather light skin!!!!

Jeremiah's Owie

Neither of these pictures are very good, but this is what Jeremiah's ankle looked like after he slid into home plate with shorts on. He was safe, too! He says it wasn't worth it, though! He had a limp for a while and he said there was dirt in it and it stung. This was at school on the playground obviously. He wears baseball pants when he practices with his team. And, of course, when he plays a game! He had a game the next day, too, and had a bit of a limp still!