Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Healing In Tears
Guess what? I have not a single picture on my camera! Which means you just get to hear my heart, plain and simple. I want you all to keep in mind that these are rough drafts. Sometimes I edit a little bit, but mostly it's all completely unedited. It's Shellie uneditted, which is a really scary thought, I know. One of the things I love about writing is that I can get the words out and then decide whether or not I want to hit publish post. There have been times in the midst of deep depression that I've hit that button without really thinking and I've regretted it. Sometimes not enough to delete it, but sometimes I do delete it. But when you speak out loud to someone, you don't get to delete it. I get really nervous talking to people and I have this awkward laugh after I've said something that isn't even funny. Sometimes it's not funny at all. I'm not comfortable with my own emotions, so sharing them with others is very uncomfortable. I'm trying to focus less on myself in relationships and more on others. And not just trying in my own strength, but I am striving and praying to "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" (Romans 13:14) when I enter into a room full of people. I want to have real relationships and realize that my awkwardness drives people away. I have a really hard time having consistent relationships. I don't have healthy boundaries and I tend to swing on a pendulum where I'm real clingy for a while and then when someone hurts me or I perceive that they've hurt me (either way I'm hurt), then I push everyone away and start isolating. I was always taught that feelings are bad growing up. Particularly negative emotions and that I shouldn't express them in front of anyone. That is the way I've lived for years. I never realized how healing tears are until someone said something to me on Saturday that showed that they truly didn't understand me. They also mentioned something that someone said to them when they went to them for counseling that really upset me that anyone would say to someone coming to them for comfort, compassion, and love. I started to obsess about this on Saturday night while playing on my iPad in my bedroom before bed. I realized this was unhealthy and began talking to God about it and seeking to see if I needed to go to these people and address these issues. I realized that neither one of these people would be able to see things from my perspective and are much older and pretty set in their ways and would never consider the perspective of someone so much younger than them. Just in case you're wondering, the counselor is not my pastor. I then asked God to please help me to let go of it, in that case. I continued talking to Him about it, as I also continued to obsess about it. After a while I felt the tears about to come. Normally I'd fight them, for fear that my husband and/or children would hear me (Cause there's so much shame in being hurt, you see), but I didn't. I let the tears come, and continuing telling God how I felt or "tattletaling" to God. After a while I realized I was no longer thinking about that incident that day. In fact, I had to think real hard to even remember what was said to me, and it no longer hurt! I guess tears are a positive thing and some things we really need to cry about before our loving, compassionate God! As they say at Celebrate Recovery, there really is "healing in tears."