My Primary Disease

It is ridiculously hot in my unairconditioned home in the summer. (My spell check did not like that.)  And I spend most of the summer being ridiculously exhausted from the heat. I can't stand it. I was told when I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression (which I won't be able to confirm for another 2 years whether or not that is just the affect alcohol had on my brain or whether it really is a separate diagnosis) that sunlight was good for my depression. My experience has told me that at least in my case the opposite is true. I'm happier in the winter than I am in the summer. I don't handle heat well and when I'm out in the sun for long periods of time (like at camp) I start to get crabby. That is definitely not an improvement in my mood. And it's not dependent on what the activity is. I could be doing manual labor or I could be playing in the water with my girls. Either way I get crabby. The happiest I usually have been this summer is in my cabin doing my bible study and reading other materials and journaling and things like that. My favorite things. In case you hadn't figured it out I like to write :)

I have to come to the conclusion (and this may change at times) for the moment that I don't have to hide publicly that I'm an alcoholic. That is my business. Again, I can't tell you who else I know who is. I can refer to recovery, but not to particular programs. I stick with what I know and most of what I know is the 12 steps and the principles behind the 12 steps regardless of what program I am doing. There are some 12 step programs that do not object to publicly saying you are a member and those I might mention when and if I participate in them. Others insist on anonymity at the public level and I must respect that. Those who read this blog and know me on a more personal level (pretty much all of you so far) already know what those groups are. However, this is a public blog and therefore technically at the public level. Anyone can read this. I do post sobriety coins on facebook sometimes, but those who have access to that account already have a personal relationship with me. Contrary to popular opinion if you set the highest security settings on your facebook account only those who are your friends can see that. In fact, I just had someone try to access my facebook account recently and she could only access my former facebook account, which I haven't used since 2009.  There are no sobriety coins on that one. I was a part of a recovery program at that time, but I didn't consider the "time" I got to be a big deal at that time, because I wasn't in recovery from alcoholism. I was in recovery from depression and anxiety and I wasn't succeeding. At a couple of points I decided I might be a problem drinker and that I should probably not drink as a result. Did not believe I had a disease. In fact, I did not believe it to be a disease. I thought that was ridiculous. I hadn't experience enough progression in my disease to be able to see it for what it was. I introduced myself as an alcoholic at certain types of meetings, because that was the norm, but I didn't know what that word meant, nor did I believe I was one. So sometimes I did celebrate time without putting a drink in my body. At one point I managed to do that for almost a year. I think about 10 months if I remember right. The most time I ever honestly got a coin for, when it came to alcohol, was 9 months. My life wasn't better and I still didn't believe I was an alcoholic. Never mind that even when I knew I probably shouldn't drink I couldn't go a year without drinking. That should have been a clue. And drinking without getting drunk seemed truly pointless to me. Still does as a matter of fact. But anyway, it meant nothing to me. Now the little bit a time I manage to get at times means the world to me. I hope always for permanent sobriety, but from where I'm sitting today it still seems like an impossibility, so I'm not thinking about permanent, just today. I haven't wanted to take a drink for a few days, but that can change in the blink of an eye. I hope nobody will shun me or judge my program on the day I have to admit I would like to take a drink, cause the reality for me is I'm going to have to admit it, at least to one person, who is another alcoholic. Probably to many of my friends in recovery with me. I had to get to place where I would actually listen to the people who know alcoholism, the disease, and to accept that I have it and it is a disease and I will never be cured. I know this is the first step toward at least not drinking, but hopefully also to losing the chronic depression and anxiety that I continually suffer from. My primary disease is alcoholism and that must be dealt with first, before I can take care of anything else.

Redefining My Blog

I really need to pray about what this blog is going to be about now. Clearly it cannot be about alcoholism, an incurable disease that none of my readers can even begin to understand. It cannot be about abuse, which I've actually experienced very little of. I tried to make my abuse bigger than it was, cause I needed an explanation for why I was so messed up inside. I was too crazy for someone who'd only been hit a couple of times by her dad and been exposed to porn as a child and had an attempted rape on her as a teenager. That's it. That's all I've experienced, truthfully. What I was dealing with was untreated alcoholism. It is a mental, emotional, and spiritual disease and alcohol is only a symptom. The rest of it is a lot of depression and anxiety. Most alcoholics have had multiple other diagnoses before finding out that all they really are is an untreated alcoholic. Some alcoholics do have those other issues. Most find they don't. They find the depression and anxiety disappear as the affects of alcohol start to leave their brain and they learn to behave and think differently. And yes, the behavior does have to come before the thinking. I never believed that, but the 12 steps have been based on that idea and have worked for longer than I've been alive! It may be backwards from other issues, but that's the way it is for alcoholics. We have to act our way into a new way of thinking, not think our way into a new way of acting. I tried it the other way and it didn't work. The acting my way into a new way of thinking was working until I decided to give up on myself. If it's worked for longer than I've been alive, who am I to argue?

Anyway, I went off on that, but I'm telling you, most of you are going to find you cannot relate to me at all, now that I know what my real problem is. When I wasn't drinking I didn't think my problem could possibly be alcoholism, because the church did not teach me anything about alcoholism other than alcoholics drink too much. That is an extremely inadequate description of an alcoholic. Lots of people drink too much who aren't alcoholics. That does not define our disease and I can't use this as a platform to explain to non-alcoholics what does define our disease. I have to find something else to write about and I'm sure I will when I'm not so tired as I am tonight.

That's My Story And I'm Sticking To It!

I want you to know I still have a ton of respect for what the church does do. The only people I really have a problem with are the people that think that you can only get help in the church and that people who are non church members and in some cases not even Christians, have nothing to offer. God speaks to me, sometimes, even through non-Christians. My sponsor is a Christian and I find most in my outside recovery groups are, but not all, and that's okay. Not my job to tell anyone else what to believe.  Personally, I am just in a place right now where I am not comfortable around non-alcoholics. I find that it isn't true that I have much in common with them. I definitely think differently. I've proven it by the way I am able, even as what they call a high bottom drunk, to shock non-alcoholics with my stories and even my just general thinking, which only made me feel more isolated and alone. They told me in my church groups, if I shared honestly I would find that I wasn't all that different from other people and what I found was exactly the opposite. I found myself more isolated and alone, the more I shared and so found it safer not to share. If I can't have real relationships there, I don't see any point in going, so I don't. That is all. If I thought they could understand me at all I would go, but they can't and I don't diss them for that. The one's that really bug me are the ones that think  they know all about alcoholism and have never studied the disease of alcoholism and treat it the same as any other addiction, which by the way, everyone has. Everyone has an unhealthy coping mechanism of some type unless they are perfect, which I only know One who holds that title and I have not received nail holes and I haven't met anyone else who has them either, besides Jesus. I have come to firmly believe that I did not choose this disease. It chose me. I was born with it and alcohol had a very different affect on me than it does others. From the very first drink. Other people drink and do not become alcoholics because they don't feel the way I felt when they drink. Even my husband admitted the one time he got drunk that he didn't see what I got out of it. He didn't feel any different. It did nothing for him. It isn't even  that I just felt numb. I felt awesome! I felt like I could do anything and do it way better drunk than I ever could sober. All the insecurity that I feel goes away when I drink. I know lots of other people who suffer from insecurity and other emotional issues that alcohol just did not have that affect on. I loved it. It just didn't love me. I may have felt amazing on the inside, but my behavior was horrible, and I never want to wake up again the next morning having no idea why everyone's mad at me, cause I have no idea what I did the night before! I didn't always blackout, but when I did, it was awful! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Still On The Road To Recovery

Hi there! No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth! Far from it! I now have close to 6 months sober and have done it all without the help of the church! (Gasp! How dare I suggest they don't have all the answers!!!!) In fact, I have recently quit going to church at all. My meetings are my church! Unbiblical you say? Really? Let's look at the record. Without even looking I know the verse you're going to quote. It's the one that says to not quit meeting together as some are in the habit of doing. I'm not. In fact, I meet with other believers every single day, not just a couple of times a week. We go there for fellowship, which I get in my meetings. We go there to serve God, which I also do in my recovery groups. I chair meetings, occasionally help with coffee and many other little things like turning off lights and locking doors. Also, I reach out to newcomers and listen to others who just need someone to talk to. I take time out of my day to go places with friends in recovery who just want to be with a friend. That sounds like service to God to me. And that's in addition to continuing to raise a family. Phew! No wonder, I find so little time to blog...and facebook and tweet, etc., etc. I often find myself in conversations with people outside of meetings about the bible. One even mentioned to me the other day that he thought of me as he was reading John chapter 4, cause I had mentioned it's one of my favorite stories in the bible. Go ahead and look it up! I dare you! It's the woman at the well for those who are familiar. Who else, but Jesus, could tell a sinner everything she ever did and leave her completely unashamed?! I've never met one. If you have, let me know, cause only Jesus has ever done that for me. The cops sure didn't. The school didn't when I'd get in trouble and neither did the church. Only Jesus Himself could point out the truth to me and leave me unashamed. Sometimes someone else had to point out my faults to me before I could see them, but I always felt that overwhelming shame when it was brought to my attention. Only when I then brought it to Jesus, could I lose the shame I felt. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you either need to read it again or for the first time! And if you've never experienced the way Jesus can bring your failures to the light and still leave you feeling completely unashamed just ask Him to show Himself to you and hang onto your seat, cause if you're sincere, He WILL show up! I guarantee it! And yes, I do have people in my life who point out my faults. I do have accountability. And really, that's a choice each and every individual has to make for themselves, in or out of church. If you don't want to allow people to get close enough to you to really know you well enough to know when you're off track, you're not going to! Only person who can make that decision for you is YOU! I have what we call, in 12 step programs, a sponsor, which is sort of like a mentor, only her main job is to lead me through the 12 steps, which if you don't know those, you can look them up online, too, I'm sure. They are the greatest way I have ever found to learn to trust God and clean house! That's the process I am in right now and it's not easy. I have completed my 4th step, but have yet to complete my 5th. I have not been real good at staying in touch with my sponsor the last couple of weeks, I must confess. There are a couple of reasons for that. I have gotten a little distracted from my program, but not my fellowship and service work, thankfully. Those reasons are a little too personal to share with you right now, but my closest friends in my recovery groups know where I am and what's going on. I just wanted to check in with all of you and let you know a little of where I'm at. I'm going to quote another friend, because I just can't think of better words, "Thanks for tolerating me while I grow up."

Me & God: Getting Real!

My posts will be very short. More like facebook posts than blog posts for a while, because I have to type them on an iPad, which is a pain. Our computers both croaked shortly after moving here. Finally tired of Windows problems Josh is finally going to buy us a Macintosh! Also, after noticing that our iPhones & iPad have survived lots of problems without any costly fixes thru many costly fixes on our Windows based computers! So come March when we get our taxes back, Apple.....we're all yours!!!!!!No more Windows in this house! We're sold!!!!!

You'll also notice a lot more txt-like typing bc of the pain of not having a real keyboard, so those of you who enjoyed my "nearly perfect grammar & spelling", sorry! You'll have to bear with me for a couple of months!

Some of you may know I was supposed to go to inpatient treatment this month for alcoholism as I have been unable to stay sober for more than 82 days since moving to Spokane, which I believe to have more to do with the progression of this disease than the move. I had been drinking in Moscow almost every day for a year & had even managed to lie to myself about it! Cause cough syrup isn't really alcohol, right?! Yeah, right! 10% alcohol content, actually! Way more than even beer!!! I had not fully accepted that I was an alcoholic at the time I got a bad cold & took Cough syrup for several days. It triggered the allergy & obsession that alcoholics have & I couldn't stop & eventually needed more & more. Could not understand why I suddenly wanted so badly to drink. It wasn't until faced with the hopelessness of having to wait even longer to get help for my depression & abuse issues that I gave into the desire & drank "real" alcohol & that's when I discovered I'd been drinking all along! I knew then I had this disease, not just a tendency to like to drink to drunkenness occasionally, when others were doing it. I've been turned down by the state for alcohol treatment for 2 reasons, either of which would disqualify me by themselves. 1) I have kids at home, 2) We have income. Didn't matter how much that income was. The state won't pay for you to get help if there's any money at all coming into the home. & yes, you did hear that correctly, they wouldn't have helped if we were both unemployed, because we have kids at home. I know! You'd think they'd want to help even more with kids in the home. It's alright. I'm sure God has a plan, even if it is to get me to talk to Him more & to get away from Christian fundamentalism which was only destroying any hope for me to have an honest & true relationship with God!

Okay, so this didn't end up being that short, but this is a pain, so I probably won't do this much!:)

Counseling and How I Love Spokane (Or should I say shopping?)

Just so you all know I am also seeing a professional Christian Counselor, who I am seeing today! I really love living in Spokane and cannot wait until I have time and have the money to go to some of the great Christian conferences and CONCERTS they have here! I was born to live in the city, I swear it!!! Why I was born to a farm family I will never know, but I love all the PEOPLE in the city! Not to mention the malls, and little shops, and thrift stores, galore! I swear Spokane has more thrift stores than I've ever seen in my life!! Not that I've been able to take advantage of it much. Moving and all the extra expenses of living here have left us with so little money, I haven't even been able to shop at thrift stores!!! Yikes!!! That, and, of course, for a time Josh took away my debit card. I also didn't have a checkbook or cash or anything. I mean, I could have gone to the bank to get money, but I would have really had to go out of my way to defy him to do that. He did that to keep a roof over our heads instead of letting me drink us out of a home!!!! Anyway, I'm looking forward to the shopping when we have some money for such nonsense! We're spending the money for counseling even though we don't have it. They've given us a great deal, but it's still hard. ANY amount of money would be hard at this point, but they can't afford to see me for free. I'm grateful for it anyway, and AM NOT going to throw it all away again with another drink...or 10...or 20...or 50,,,or....You get the idea. Anyway, hope you all have a great Monday!!!

And obviously I've had my coffee since earlier :)

Love,
Shellie

Monday Morning

Ugh! It's Monday morning and I have to get the kids up in just a few minutes! They have something here in Spokane called "late start day" and you would think it would be on Monday or at least Friday! No! Of course not!!! That would be too logical! It's on Thursday! They start school on those days a half hour later than on the other days. That morning is a welcome blessing by the end of the week, but it's followed by one more normal day before the weekend. Sort of crazy if you ask me! Can you tell it's early in the morning? For those of you who know me well, you know I'm NOT a morning person!!! When I've been drinking Vodka really helped, but I don't do that anymore. At least not today. And for 40 days in a row now. I need to be grateful! Gratitude is a very important part of my program, so I'll think of some things to be grateful for....after I've had some coffee. There's something to be grateful for. COFFEE! And another day of sobriety! Thanks for indulging me for a moment! I'm going to go get kids up now!

They Didn't Turn My Internet Off!!!!

Ya'll, they still haven't turned off my internet!!! Eeeeekkkk! This addict is sooooooooo happy!!!! Yay! And sick! Miserable sick! So, I went shopping today and thanks to the Big Mama blog and her "Fashion Friday" posts I feel like I really know what's in style, so I wasn't totally shocked by what I found at the mall. Usually, whatever is the new trend makes me go, eeeewww, do I have to wear that, when I get to the mall finally after being holed up most of the winter, in the springtime, but not this year!!! Thank you, Melanie!!!! Never met you in person, but I sure hope to someday! Almost got to meet you in Houston, but nope. Didn't happen this year! Maybe next time! But I got a dress with this diagonal black and white stripes that I am going to look so great in tomorrow night, IF I can find my nylons, dress shoes (either white or black, either one works!At least I got that to work with!), makeup, jewelry and hair stuff, if needed. My hair generally looks good as is anyway...I have awesome hair, so that's good!! In all of this mess, I have to find all of that and we are doing a ton more cleaning and packing tomorrow and so we have to get up and bust a move and be done by 2, so I can get a shower and get all gussied up, get the kids to wherever they need to go, which we've only got two of them figured out so far! It's a good thing they didn't get around to shutting off our internet today, because that is the only communication Jeremiah has with the Couch family, our pastor's family. He's best friends with their boy, Caleb, so it's good that he still can communicate with Caleb that way, so we can make sure he gets where he needs to go in time. Angela, we have to get to her friend, Lucy's house before 3, and we have to be out of here by 3! We have no idea what we're going to do with Chloe! The only friend of hers, who's parents I know, is not available this weekend, Jeni's daughter's sick, so she can't stay there! I'm hoping maybe the Couch's (grammar? Not sure how that works?) can take one more kid. Seems she'd blend right in and probably play with their 6 year old, but that's why I'm having Jeremiah talking to Caleb online! Why in the world do we not have their phone number? I have no idea! I really hate it when I talk to myself on here, but hey, this is what I do in my head all day long, so welcome to Shellie Paparazzo's brain:) I promise I won't let you in too far. It gets pretty scary in here sometimes, as you know. I really haven't let you in on the really bad stuff! I know! You're scared! Me, too!!!! Believe me! I told you, I hardly sleep. Now you know why :) Okay, but seriously, I don't know how I'm going to box everything up, and THEN get beautiful to go to this fancy dinner thing in SPOKANE!!!! Really?!!! Couldn't they have waited a week?!! Just for us?!!!! So, we have to leave by 3...come to think of it, I should probably start getting ready at 1;30! Yikes! This is insane!!!And I still don't know if my youngest will have anyone to stay with!!! Double yikes!!! So, we'll get back, probably around midnight, if not later! Then, get up Sunday morning to get ready for church, go to church, come home, load up the moving truck, and finish cleaning the house and go to the hotel!!! Then, get up Monday morning, do some last minute errands we forgot to take care of and drive to Spokane to unload and get moved in and hopefully start getting kids registered for school and what not. So insane!!! And, ya'll, I do have my kids cold and it's awful! I just want to sleep! Is that too much to ask?! Apparently, it is!! I'm dying here! Please pray for me and my family and that we won't kill each other, and by that I mean, that I won't kill anyone, because I don't think they will, although, with Angela in the mix that's debatable, and oh, yeah, Jeremiah has his moments, and so does Chloe, and oh, boy!!! Does Josh ever have his moments!!! I know he won't mind me saying so. He knows it, I know it, everyone who knows him knows it, so it's all good. So, pray for us. This is going to be crazy and stressful and hopefully God will give us lots of peace and supernatural strength and energy for the task ahead...and some good cough medicine that doesn't knock you out might help, too! Don't think I have any of that around here. Might have to work on that! Bye for now!

Goodbye,Moscow! We'll Soon Be Saying Helllllllooooo Spokane!!!

Well, I thought I'd say goodbye for a few days. I'm going to miss all of you and just miss blogging! I love it! But I need to get offline and get down to business taking care of all of the things I should have been doing all week!!! They're turning my internet off....Ummmm...well, today now. I'm not sure when, but we have an appointment to get our internet hooked up in Spokane on the 13th, so it should only be a short time, but I've never done this moving thing before with an entire family moving out of a house, so I can't predict when I'll actually get back on here. I'll try to take lots of pictures to show you some of the things that will be part of this experience. Maybe even some pictures with some of my favorite people that I'm going to miss so much here in Moscow! Some are coming to help us move, so that'll be great! I know of at least one family that will be here and I understand Josh's brother-in-law, Danny, will be here helping for sure, and I have no idea who from Real Life will show up, but it should be exciting! Goodbye until at least Tuesday most likely!

More Of The Last Week In Moscow

Well, Chloe is sick :( She's been coughing a lot ever since we did some major cleaning and packing this last weekend, stirring up some major dust! Which she and I are allergic to. It really didn't bother me as I took on the task of scrubbing out the water stains in the bathtub, which took HOURS, even with the miracle that is Bar Keeper's Friend. No, it isn't an alcoholic, that would be me! I would imagine it's a cleaner that a Bar Keeper came up with to get rid of tough stains in his bar. Well, it works great on bathtubs, too! I plan on keeping this stuff on hand all the time from now on as I imagine most places we live will have hard water. I've never bothered before. I just figured that when you live in Moscow, it's just something you have to put up with. That was before someone who cleans houses for a living looked at my house and told me this stuff would take it off. I'm not going to bother with the sink or toilet. The bathtub was the worst and took way too long. Just let me tell you, if you think you want a giant Jacuzzi bathtub, just imagine cleaning it!!! I'm thinking it's not worth it at this point, but then, since we never got the jets working, I never really got to enjoy it, so I might have thought it worth it if I'd gotten to bathe in it WITH the jets going! That never happened though. I'm looking forward to the hot tub in the hotel next Sunday night before we take off for Spokane. Yes, we're going to stay at the local Best Western after we pack up the house and leave on Monday morning after taking care of a few last minute things we forgot about doing (like getting our mail forwarded! Oops!). I'm sure there's probably many things that we forgot about doing in all the craziness. It's not like we've ever done this before. We've lived in Moscow all of our married life, so all of that stuff was still pretty easy to take care of after we moved being in the same time. This is all new and totally crazy!

Anyway, I did mention that I think Jeremiah is obsessed with Wrestling right? Well, I'm listening to him Wrestling Chloe right now and teaching her to Wrestle! Yes, I think obsession might be an understatement! Wrestling season is OVER bud! Get over it! Nope. Don't think it's going to happen. He's already asked if we can put a Wrestling mat in the basement at the new house. Yep, he's hooked :)

Updates And Last Week Here!

Okay, y'all! It's late, but I wanted to say hi and just update you on a couple of details. We went to my son's final wrestling tournament of the year. The most important one. The one everybody in their conference, league, or whatever they call it wrestles against each other in their individual weight classes to see who the best wrestler's in each weight class are. Well, without too much fanfair (although I'm sure he would love some) my son, Jeremiah, beat everyone in his weight class (or at least beat those who'd beat others) and got 1st place, a golden trophy (yes, a trophy) and just the awesome feeling of being the best 120 lb junior high wrestler in our area! Yay, Jeremiah! He's totally hooked and his former wrestler daddy is pleasantly surprised, actually thrilled would be more like it! This is the first year he's shown any interest in wrestling. Josh and I agreed when we first got married, that even though we were both college athletes and obviously had had dreams of cheering our own children on in the sports we love, we would not push our children in any particular direction where extracurricular activities are concerned. We did mention to him several times, casually, when he was little, that Moscow has a pee wee wrestling club. Josh would have had him on the mat at 5 years old if he'd seemed at all interested. He was much more interesting in sports where you kicked, hit, or carried a ball in some way. Football, soccer, and of course, baseball! Many of you know my sports were Cross-Country and Track, which are basically the same thing, since all I ever did was run long distance. Okay, I tried the shorter distances as a junior high student, but I sucked as a sprinter! And that is an understatement, trust me!!! I'm of the impression, personally, that anyone who has the heart for it, can be successful as a runner. Obviously, some with certain body types will be more successful than others, but successful none-the-less. In other words, you might not take home trophies, but you won't be dead last either. I was usually somewhere in the average range, middle of the pack, when it came to running, though, I got better and won a few awards as time went on. I often wonder how far I could've gone if I hadn't let the loser I was dating before Josh talk me into quitting, but looking back does no good where that sort of thing is concerned. I made the choices I've made and I have 3 adorable children and an adorable husband to show for it, so I'd say I've done okay. I may not be the skinny little runner I used to be, but at least I can raise my children well. I must admit moving to Spokane has got me thinking about Bloomsday, which I always wanted to run in. I'm totally out of shape at the moment, but maybe I'll walk in it this year and then if that doesn't get me wanting to run again, I don't know what will! I love competition. I love having others to pace myself against! I love the crowds and the cheering and just all of it! I miss that and I think getting myself in that environment might just get me interested in running again, at least to get myself healthier. I'm not doing a very good job of taking care of God's temple as I did back then, when I didn't even think of it as God's temple! You know, except for the alcohol, marijuana, and cigarettes! Those obviously weren't good for me! I was pretty good about staying off of that stuff during track and cross-country season, though, cause I was very focused during those times. My son is planning to go out for track at his new school, just like he was planning to do here this year as well. This will be his fourth sport this year. His health teacher, after checking his vitals, dubbed him a "sports addict" and an "elite athlete." I guess he has the resting heart rate of an elite athlete! The "sports addict" thing is kind of obvious! How many kids do you know who play 4 sports a year, are obsessed with football and baseball stats and win championships there first year wrestling? Yeah, that's what I thought! Not many! My son's a stud! It'll be interesting to see what the girl's will do. So far, Chloe wants to be a cheerleader and possibly a runner. That's going to be the girl after my own heart, I'm telling you! Then, there's Angela! All she mostly wants to do is act and sing! She's my little performer. The others are somewhat interested in that themselves, but not as much as she is. She is obsessed. She didn't get a part in the Missoula Children's Theatre production (which would have made this last Saturday insane, but we'd have figured it out! We've done it before! Three kids running in three different directions. We knew this would eventually happen when we decided to let our kids pursue their own interests instead of pushing them to do what we like to do.) and even Jeremiah said at lunch on Sunday after Angela saying that even the girls that did the auditions said this was their first year in professional theatre that it was "obviously a rookie mistake, not giving my sister a part." Yep, even Jeremiah admitted after last year that Angela's an acting genius! The girl loves the stage and the stage loves her, I'm telling you! We're actually thinking about getting her to the tryouts in Spokane that are happening right after we get there, so she'll have another shot at the Missoula Children's Theatre, plus they have year-round acting groups up there, so we'll definitely get her doing a lot more performance type things. That's what she loves, so that's what we're going to help her do. She would also love to play hockey, but that gets a little too crazy for our time and budget. I've heard much about many opportunities to be in the theatre at little or no cost in Spokane. It'll be exciting to see what God has in store for us up there!

Josh headed to Spokane tonight where he's going to camp out in our house that we're renting and get on a plane tomorrow morning to fly to Tucson, Arizona with some other scouters. There's going to be a conference and a lot of golf playing going on! He deserves it! It's good that he's getting some time to relax before the big move, even if it happens to be while I'm having to finish cleaning and packing without him! I'll get my chance this summer while the kids are all at camp with Josh! I know I'll be spending at least a week or two at home by myself, so it'll all work out. We'll each get our time of rest and relaxation, which is going to be much needed after this crazy year! I'm looking forward to it, but right now I need to get some sleep! I've got to get the Champion and his sisters up tomorrow morning for school by myself :)

Random Stuff You Didn't Care To Know :)

Okay, I've been wanting to write to y'all today. I'm not really sure why. It's just an itch that I have that must be scratched. There's nothing new and significant happening in my life today that wasn't happening yesterday. I could give you a few boring details, though, which is probably what I'll do! We've discovered two new holes in our air mattress since my plugging it with m heel and they are all near where my buttocks would be resting while I'm sleeping. All on my side of the bed, so each night as we discovered we'd lost air by morning I would begin the search for the leak. Our only conclusion? I must have a prickly butt? That was actually Josh's suggestion. I feel so loved. Wouldn't you? :)

Let's see? What else? I painted my fingernails yellow and green. I'm sure you feel so much better knowing that:)

I enjoyed a livestream this morning with a few of my sister's in Christ and of course, Beth Moore teaching. She talked about trouble and affliction. Two of our favorite things, right?:) Don't you just love it when teachers pick such joyful subjects?:) No, seriously, though, it was a good lesson and I'm sure you can still watch it using the link on her blog. Or you will be able to. They try to make the lesson available to those who missed it or the one's like myself, who were too busy chatting with sisters we recognized from the blog to really be paying real close attention :) So, I won't really say too much about that right now, because well, I don't really know exactly what she said myself :) I wasn't really listening that closely! I knew I could go back later and listen to her. I only had that half hour to chat with the others. I do know she taught from Psalm 25, cause that's where my bible was turned to, since she told us to do that first thing :) I don't think I read it at all! I'll have to do that later, too! Right now I'm starving and it's very hard to eat and type at the same time, so I'll see ya'll later :)

Business And Addictions

Have y'all noticed that we can now reply directly to each others comments on here like they do over at WordPress! Such a cool feature! So much easier to find comments someone made to your comment this way, not that it's hard on my blog, but blogger friend's I have who get a lot of comments, it will be soooo much better now! I love it! And I love seeing my replies directly under your comments!!!! That is the one feature that had almost made me want to switch to WordPress, but I don't really know how to do that without losing the things I've written here. I don't want to have to start all over with a totally new URL that I have to send y'all over to and have to bounce back and forth between here and there for a while until my posts over here are irrelevant to my life, which I doubt will ever totally happen if you know what I mean, but you also know what I mean about it not being important enough to look and see if something was said that I need to respond to. There's a certain amount of time I'd need to keep tabs on these posts. I'm also having an issue that the email address this is attached to won't exist in just 8 more days, which I also will not have internet at that point, so you won't hear from me after the ninth until we get hooked back up in Spokane, most likely with Comcast, so my roadrunner account will no longer be. I love gmail and opened up a new gmail account for all of my personal mail (I already had one for business purposes and facebook and twitter and all that that I don't want cluttering my personal email account :)) but since I actually liked it better than my roadrunner webmail I decided to go ahead and go with that. Plus, I can use it wherever I'm at. I won't have to worry about my email being connected directly to my internet provider so I have to change it every time I move or change providers! That's just a pain! I wasn't worried about it here, cause I knew we'd be here awhile and never would leave Time Warner, since they are the only cable provider and cable is by far the best high-speed internet money can buy in my opinion (which is why we'll be with Comcast up there.) We're not on the fastest cable internet, but it's still pretty good. We'd have to pay more for the faster one, which would be worth it, but won't work in our budget. We still stick with cable though, even though it costs a tad more, because we're just that addicted to the internet. Anyway, the problem I found is that you can't attach another google acount to your blog! I really don't want to open up a hotmail account or something just to have a valid email attached to this account, but I may have to. Ugh! Just what I needed, 3 email accounts!

And, of course, the addiction issue brings up it's own problems! I'm going to be like "detoxing" for that few days or maybe even up to a week (Dear God, please no!) I hope Josh is addicted enough to not let that happen, but then he has his iPhone, so he's all wired everywhere he goes anyway! Grrrrrrrr! Yes, I was in withdrawals two summers ago for about 2 weeks at Camp Grizzly, the land that technology forgot! My cell phone didn't work there, no wifi, nothing!!! It was torture! It was totally inhumane!!! My husband fixed it last year and brought our router! Praise God! We've been saved!!! I still haven't decided whether or not I'm going to Camp Grizzly again this year or staying home like I ended up doing last year. I wasn't going to go, but us moving to Spokane changes things a little, and with everything that's happened I'm not sure I should be so far from a recovery group or counseling or whatever I end up doing up there. I've waited so long for something like this to happen so I could actually build a support network, like an actually effective one with people who are available to me for real and understand me! It will be hard to start getting that established and then leave for two months! I just don't know about that. Maybe we'll just see what happens when I get there. We'll have to play it by ear and see where I'm at with that by the time we have to leave for Camp Grizzly about mid-June. Maybe I'll go for awhile and come back sometimes for a week or 2 at a time, or I'll stay and go to Camp Grizzly for a week or two at a time? The nice thing is is that even with me not having wheels that is possible, because someone (usually the business manager) at Camp Grizzly has to drive to Spokane about once a week to turn in some stuff to the main council office so I can catch a ride with whoever is coming that way one way or the other if I make those arrangements ahead of time, so something will work out to where I can spend a little time at our beloved Camp Grizzly at least during the summer! Yay! I was hating the idea that without wheels my choices were the whole summer at Camp Grizzly, or no Camp Grizzly! Normally, I'm an all or nothing girl, except when I like both options :) That's a really bad quality to have by the way, the all or nothing thing. Gets me in trouble a lot! Can't have a spotless house, so why bother cleaning! Can't get straight A's so who cares about school! Why just drink one beer when you can have the whole case! See where this is a problem? Don't give me a piece of pie! I want the pie!!!! The whole darn thing! And yes, I eat like this, which explains why I'm only 5'2" tall and 170 POUNDS!!!! Yikes!! Look on a height weight chart. That's not good! And no, I'm not big boned! If anything I have tiny, skinny little bones. You should see my arms! They're tiny!!!

Anyway, back to "detoxing." Whether it be physical or emotional I've had to "detox" from so many things in my life it's not even funny!!! As my friend Christie would say anything I try it's been "ismed." Alcoholism, chocoholism, you get the idea! I'm an addict to the core of my being! I'm obsessive to the max! Ask Josh, me "detoxing" is a pain! The one he probably remembers more than any other is the one thing I actually stuck with long enough to become physically addicted. I really never drank consistently enough to have to physically detox from alcohol. Well, okay, I always got a little bit of a headache after a few days, but that's about it. Not even a super bad headache. Nothing a little ibuprofen couldn't handle and me be completely function. And you're not allowed to laugh when I tell you what it was :) Okay, you can if you want but you can't make fun of me, that's the rule! It was Pepsi! Yes, I tried to slowly drop one 12 oz of Pepsi a day, and finally got down to one a day, which I kept trying to drop, but I'd get this horrible headache that would make me nauseous and EXTREMELY CRABBY!!! Somebody suggested I drink half a Pepsi and dump the rest! What?! Are you stinkin' kidding!!!!!! No way! That's precious fluid! I just couldn't do it!!! So, I finally decided I just had to drop that last soda cold turkey and deal with it! I literally laid in bed moaning and clutching my stomach for 3 days like a heroin addict!!!! I'm not kidding!!!! It was ridiculous! At one point Josh said screw it, I'm going to get you a soda! I practically attacked him! I don't know where I got the strength! I cried desperately, "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME! We'll just end up back here doing THIS all over again! I'm not doing this AGAIN! I HAVE TO DO THIS!" So, he didn't, but he and the kids went to his mom's house cause no one could stand me for another second! So, yes, I ended up doing that all by myself! I have no doubt now that if I had to and really wanted to do that for alcohol I could. So far I've never had to, like I said. I drank in such short binges that while I'm psychologically addicted I never got super addicted like that physically. Not to alcohol. It's still weird to me that I did that with Pepsi of all things when I didn't do that with alcohol or marijuana or cigarettes!!! Totally nuts! I'm pretty sure I'd do that without internet! Haha!!! Let's not find out, okay? Deal? Thank you. This is one of those addictions I have no intention of recovering from. That, studying God's Word (ummmmm, no stinkin' way!), coffee, and.....I'm not sure what else. I'll have to get back to you on that. :) I'm sure I have zillions I'm unaware of! After all, I'm just an addictive personality!! The funny thing about the Pepsi thing is years earlier Josh had joked that I would be the founder of Pepsiholics Anonymous one day. Hmmmm, maybe I should start this in Spokane :)

So, I will be emotionally a wreck while madly cleaning, packing all the last minute things and all those last 3 days since I won't be able to contact any of you! I threw out all my phone numbers without realizing it! Yikes! Moving mishaps, I guess. These things happen. Also, an emotional wreck while trying to move IN! Yikes! This is going to be scary!!!! Picture me with a look of terror right now. Yes, that's right. Just like that :) So how are all of you?

Crying Out To Jesus (and other things)

Okay, I'm sitting on my bed, or I was sitting on my airbed (yes, still sleeping on an air mattress. Will be for a while.) with my heel over the hole the cat put in it to keep it from leaking air quite as quickly, until my leg got to tired from being in that position as I read others blogs, so now I have my knee over the hole which probably isn't as effective. Josh is getting a repair kit later today to fix it. The cats not allowed in our room anymore. We're pretty sure she did it with her claws. Ugh!

Anyway, I've been busy. Not busy packing, which I should be. Not busy cleaning, which I also should be. Busy doing laundry? Well, yes, of course, I'm always busy doing that! It's the never ending, all consuming chore!!! At least I don't have to use a broom to do the job, right Angela? :) Sorry, most of you will have no clue what I was just talking about, but I'm sure it will at least get a smile from my friend, Angela Gifford. And by the way, if you're wondering, yes, I did name my daughter after her. The one who's walking a very thin line right now. But you're all probably wondering what I'm so busy doing, since I'm not busy doing the things I should be doing right now. Well, if you read my last blog post, which was in the middle of what I was busy doing, you'll be glad to know, I've been busy reading scripture, crying out to God to just plain "help me!" (ever done that?) and to please change my desires, because as you know, I was desiring alcohol, which is an incredibly self-destructive desire of mine along with many other unhealthy desires I have, but I'm not as concerned about those right now. Which, actually, I must admit I felt much better and MUCH less concerned about getting drunk after I ate a Cappucino frozen yogurt with tons of different types of chocolate toppings that my man brought home from Jamms last night. Awesome place! If you have one near you, go!!! I love it! It's a little expensive, but it's a great treat once in a while! It just opened up here last summer and I'm in love. I only wish I could also visit the spa next door, which my daughter, Angela, did last weekend with her friend, Lucy, who goes to the spa all the time. She decided to treat Angela last week to celebrate her birthday a little late. Lucy and I share the same birthday, so I always remember her birthday. I'm still not speaking to Angela about such matters, because I have never in my entire life had a pedicure and the only time I had a manicure it was at a beauty school, so it wasn't really professional. Her hands and feet looked amazing and she kept telling me about the cool things they did to her feet that felt soooo good and I glared at her :) Anyway, thank you, Josh! You are my hero!!! How about a pedicure next time :) I'm just kidding. I know we can't afford that. I have no idea how you pulled off the fro-yo, except that you sacrificed for me, cause that's just how awesome you are! So, that's me right now. And, honestly, feeling a lot less of a desire to drink. I think about a whole lot more than just that now. Thank you, Jesus! I'm sure there will be a lot more temptations to come and a whole lot more pain as I work through things from my past. The hurt and the anger is surfacing so much, and you can ask my family, I'm extremely crabby, so pray for them, too, if you think about it.

The Pain Is Too Much

Well, it's been quite a week. Yes, I've allowed Angela to live. I'm sure you're all happy to know that. And I'm pretty sure you all knew that I would. Still frustrated, still fighting with her often, still trying to convince her that, yes, sometimes life is hard, but you got to do what you got to do, and if it requires you to work a little harder than you were hoping to have to.....ummm,sorry, we've all been there. You're just going to have to work that much harder. What really sucked is, this week is Missoula Children's Theatre, and yes, we did decide that she has been working very hard to try to get her grades up, and yes, she could do MCT. For crying out loud it only comes once a year! It was going to break my heart to have to tell her no and I'm not sure I could've done. So, obviously, that's not the part that sucks. When she came home yesterday evening I expected her to be in a rush to get fed to get back to rehearsals. She wasn't in a hurry at all. In fact, she'd already been to Wendy's with our friend, Holly, and her daughter (Angela's friend) Maggie, who she did the tryouts with and carpooled with last year as well. Turns out the reason Holly took them to Wendy's is she picked up two heartbroken little girls from tryouts. Neither of them got a part. I guess they had some very young, college age girls running the tryouts. They didn't pick most of the people who were in the play last year, even those, like my daughter, who had leading rolls last year. Being the stubborn, hard-headed child that she is, Angela made it a point to give them a piece of her mind, which as you know, can get pretty ugly. She wasn't happy because she said they laughed at her. I wasn't happy either, and when she told me some of the other very talented kids that didn't get parts (who I've worked with in the past volunteering at the school) who've ALWAYS gotten parts in the past, I was shocked. I told her not to worry to much about it, because obviously this particular group, unlike the group last year, doesn't know talent when they see it! I don't want to hear any talk about how I might be biased, but I'm going to tell you right now, that besides my own daughter, I know a few other very talented little girls who will not be in the MCT production here in Moscow this year. I also know of at least one, who will be, who I would've never picked in a million years...just sayin....and there I might be a bit biased too, because this little girl isn't very nice to my little girl :) Do you ever find that interesting, how you can absolutely despise an 11 year old child, because they don't like your kid? I distinctly remember the first time that I discovered that I have retractable claws and fangs that I have absolutely no control over. They instantly appear the moment I sense that one of my children is being threatened in any way!!! It didn't surprise me that I was very protective of them with adults that I sensed didn't like them, but the first time my five year old boy came from home from kindergarten in tears and I had an almostly overwhelming urge to kill another child with my bare hands (you will be happy that I reminded myself that I can't protect him from prison, so I resisted) I was in total shock! How does this happen?! All I have to say is if you're in my presence and you say anything derogatory about or towards one of my children, I am not responsible for what might happen to you! I have no control. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Now, onto another topic. Alcoholism! It continues to prove itself to me that I'm not cured and probably never will be. I still want to run for that bottle anytime I'm upset, stressed, angry, whatever. I've had a lot of stuff stirred up in me through reading Beth Moore's sister, Gay's, story on the LPM blog. She has helped me to see that alcoholism really is an incurable disease that I cannot control. Thankfully I know someOne who can :) Not that that keeps me from struggling. Between that, my own desire to seem genuine, the stress of moving, the loneliness of not having an accountability team where I'm at right now and not knowing how long it will take to get that established in Spokane, and just plain not having anyone safe to talk to about all this stuff one on one, plus Changes That Heal, plus Breaking Free, is stirring up so much pain from my life that I have not dealt with, that it is absolutely making me want to run straight for the bottle. Why that? Why not cheesecake? Why not ice cream? Why alcohol? Well, too be honest with you, as great as those things are, they just don't have the power to anesthetize the pain that alcohol does, and being a rule follower, I don't like to break the law, so illegal drugs are not an option. I want alcohol and I want it now. What's really making me mad is I have to walk to go get it. I don't have a car, and my husband's being a real pain, telling me I don't need it. What is up with that! And to be honest with you, some of the pain that's been stirring up, relates to him, too. He's ignored some things, chosen not to set boundaries, where I think he should. I feel unprotected and I feel my children are unprotected by him, so I'm a little irritated with him. For not understanding, even though I understand it's hard to understand me. It's hard even for other alcoholics to understand me. I'm kind of weird, you know. I'm more of afraid of getting caught than anything else. I don't want any of the people from AA or CR to see me with alcohol! I honestly don't care if I drink. I know that's terrible. I wish nobody cared. I wish I had never told anyone how much I love to drink so I could just drink and everybody would leave me alone. I feel like a fake, cause I've been dry, but not really sober. I want to drink. I want to throw in the towel and say who cares? I want to for so many reasons I can't share here! But I've been dry for 18 months outside of any recovery program. I don't have a counselor. I don't have a sponsor. I don't have any accountability partners. I've tried to establish those in the past, but no one's been consistent with me. I know one who would have been, but I don't think she really gets it. She's not an alcoholic, she didn't grow up in an abusive home, she has never, that I'm aware of, been physically or sexually abused. She has no idea what that's like. I need someone who has a clue about these things and is completely non-judgmental, totally accepting of me right where I'm at, and will love me no matter what. Even if I screw up sometimes. Even if I screw up a lot. Cause to be honest with you, telling me how I should feel or what I should think has not helped me. If I could do that, just instantly change how I think and how I feel without talking through things, I'd have done it a long time ago! I know God's Word. That's the frustrating thing. I'm in it daily! I've been in it fairly consistently all of my believing life, which is almost 17 years!!! What I'm wanting to do is have one last binge and then go to a meeting, cause then it feels real! Right now it doesn't feel real at all. Nothing about me feels real. I don't seem like a genuine alcoholic. I never drank enough, consistently enough. I don't feel like a real Christian, cause I'm obsessing over things I know are wrong. I don't even feel like a real abuse victim, because others have been abused much more violently than I have. So, my parents said some mean things to me and they didn't give me the love I needed. They didn't listen to me or care how I felt. Yeah, my dad hit me sometimes, but never with a closed fists and never left a mark on me. At least not that I ever noticed. I was kinda trying to hard to avoid him and just about everyone else who might hurt me, to notice. And yeah, I was sexually assaulted, but I was never all out raped. What am I whining about anyway. Get over it, Shellie. It's not that bad....and yet, that doesn't work for me. I hurt. I feel neglected. I feel abused. I'm scared of people. I'm afraid that they're going to tell me my parents were right. I am hopeless. I am stupid. I can't do anything right. And I've sort of gotten that, maybe not in those exact words, from people who were supposed to help me. People who were supposed to love me. That I can't really have a relationship with God and know what I'm hearing from Him, because I'm not smart enough. I can't know my own heart, cause I'm not smart enough, so I can't possibly know what He's calling me to do. I can't know these things for myself. I need others to tell me what to do. I need to stop caring what I do or what kind of things I'm interested in. I'm not supposed to have interests. I'm not supposed to have desires for my own life. I'm supposed to stay home and only care for my family and do what my husband tells me to do. And, oh, my gosh, how dare he suggest I think about what I want! I'm not supposed to want anything! I'm not supposed to be my own person! I feel guilty for liking to write. I feel guilty for wanting friends. I feel guilty for wanting help! Why should I feel guilty about these things? Because others have told me they're sins. Others have told me I can't have desires apart from caring for my family. Others have told me I don't deserve better. After all, I deserve what Jesus got, and I get that, but I NEED more than that. And I think God understands that, which is why he let Jesus take my punishment so I wouldn't have to. So, all I'm asking is that people quit hurting me. I'm tired of being hurt. Is that too much to ask? I wish somebody would just hug me and tell me it's okay to hurt, that it's okay to cry and let me cry on their shoulder, maybe, just a little. And tell me that they're sorry that all that stuff happened to me, instead of just telling me to get over it. If I could I would, but it's not that simple. Very few people seem to understand that and they're not in a place where they're able to spend time with me and help me. Also, I know that I have this anxiety issue that causes me to choke up and not be able to speak. I'm terrified of people. I'm terrified to tell them of my pain. To be really real with them. I'm not sure I can, but I need to. And I need someone who understands that too, someone who has the time and the patience to sit there and wait until I figure out what words I can used to describe what I'm going through, and wait also, for me to get up the nerve to say what's going through my head, out loud. That's going to take a very patient person. I'm not sure such a person exists. Cause I'm scared of all of you. I may not seem like it in person, but notice how personal, how real I get with you? Not very. I'm scared how you'll react to the real me when I'm right in front of you.

The STRONGEST Strong-Willed Child

Have you ever had one of those days that you realize you've repeated a zillion times in the past with the same child and all your doing is going in circles with that child and you're so totally done you don't know what to do? Yeah! This has been one of those days. The Angela drama continues. I'm telling you this child misbehaves, complains that we punish her, whines and cries about it...LOUDLY!!!!!! and there's nothing you can do to stop her! She gives me a headache, makes me want to do things I won't talk about for fear I'll get in trouble for just thinking them!! I seriously was trying to figure out (in my head, anyway), how I was going to be able to send her to military school or boarding school or whatever those places are you hear about that parents who can't stand their children send them to! Or are just super rich and really busy and don't have time to bother! Or their kids are really smart, etc. etc. etc. ...you know the place I'm talking about. I don't even know if they actually exist. I just know I want to send this daughter whose name didn't work out so well for me to one of those places.

The current problem? Well, she's not passing some of her classes, largely because they're harder classes for her and she doesn't want to do the hard work of doing the assignments that don't come easy to her. She manipulates me into doing them for her. She won't listen to my attempts of just helping her and gets me to do it for her. So I've quit "helping" and told her she has to figure it out herself, so what did she do? Quit doing her homework, so she's failing. Then, she got mad cause we took some priviledges away. We informed her that's what happens when you don't take care of your responsibilities. Jeremiah got taken off the baseball team when his grades were bad, we take away her theatre stuff when she misbehaves, cause his thing is sports and hers is theatre. Yes, we've told her this a zillion times as well. Apparently, the rules shouldn't apply to her. Hmmmm. At this point I'm not caring. I was tired of hearing her whine and cry for HOURS so I said, "Fine, play on the Wii. I don't really care." That's it. I'm just done caring. Last weekend when I wouldn't make her the food she wanted at the time she wanted it she threatened to go to the neighbors and ask them to feed her telling them that her parents don't feed her. Some of you may recall we had an issue with this same child shouting out the window on the way home from school when she was punished, that we beat her, and then she tried to run away when I stopped at the gas station to get gas. I don't know if I brought that up on here or not, but yes, the issue of accusing us of abuse or neglect because she didn't get what she wanted has happened much in recent years. I fear much of this is my fault, since as a very depressive mother who tires easily I tend to give in way too often! Especially when she was a toddler. Not only am I a depressive, but I found myself pregnant with our third child when she was just over a year old and her brother was 3, so yes, you could say I was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D while pregnant with a toddler and a preschooler. I pretty much let them do whatever they wanted in the house as long as they were safe. When I did have the strength and energy to discipline her I swear I felt like I nearly beat her half to death, I had to spank her so many times in a row, because STRONG-WILLED is an UNDERSTATEMENT with this child! She first openly and obviously defied me when she was only 9 months old!!!! I know they say that is developmentally impossible, but trust me when I tell you I KNOW what I saw in her eyes as open defiance. She first reached for something that I said no to which she quickly pulled her hand back indicating that she clearly understood the word no (we had slapped her hand while saying no to her many times and she's not stupid. She figured out what that word meant pretty quickly!). After that she looked at me, made sure I saw her and with that defiant look on her face she reached for it again. I don't remember what "it" was, but that's not the point! I knew I had quite a battle ahead of me with this child! Her brother did the same sort of thing at the same age, but he proved not to have nearly the perseverance of this girl!!! Oh, my! You have NEVER met a child who could throw a fit longer or harder than Angela Paparazzo!!!! I would almost be impressed if I wasn't the one left with the tasking of raising her! I laugh when I hear people say things about their toddler like, "Can you believe he threw a temper tantrum for 20 minutes!" Please!!!! That was a good day! Try an hour and a half!!!! I kid you not! I had a friend who came over at naptime when she was clearly tired and needed a nap, despite the fact that she didn't want to. I finally put her in her room, shut the door and told her to stay or else and she screamed and kicked the wall for an hour and a half before she finally fell asleep!!! This easily depressed mama didn't always have enough stamina to deal with that, so, yes, she often got what she wanted! I don't know how a child is just born like that, but I swear she was!! When she was three and four years old when I got up and was preparing to fix breakfast, I would sometimes ask the kids what they would like for breakfast, and if it was reasonable (like not candy bars) and we had it, sometimes I'd make it, other times I just made whatever I decided to make, like a normal mom (or I think that's what normal moms do. I have no idea. I've never been one or known one:)). Anyway, even if it was a breakfast she had chosen herself, once it was done, she inevitably would want something else instead and I would say, "No, you are going to eat what I made you." She would say "NO!" and I would basically tell her to sit her hiney down in her chair and eat what I made her or starve! She would put her hands on her hips, look up at me very defiantly and say, "You're not my boss!" I promise you I proved I was! But this was what we went through every morning for about two years. Once, getting curious, I decided to ask her if I wasn't her boss who was, and she said very matter of factly, "I'm my own boss!" She was four at the time. Oh, boy! Yep! I had me a tough one and I am at the end of my rope!

I do have to tell you when she told me she was going to tell the neighbors we don't feed her, I first said, "Go ahead. Have fun with that." I really didn't care. I knew if she did it would never come to anything. We've been through the CPS crap before with a neighbor that doesn't really like us. Besides, I also knew that deep down, she knows how the system works. If they did actually think there was something to it, they'd take her away, and she doesn't want to be taken away. She adores her daddy and loves shopping (mostly) with me. She wouldn't know what to do without us and I wonder if she actually knows that she wouldn't get what she wanted in "the system" either? I mean she's been to other people's houses and seen other kids get punished, so I think she's old enough and smart enough to figure out that all moms and dads have rules and some sort of discipline they adhere to. Granted she hasn't been in the most stable of homes with a mom who suffers from severe depression and anxiety and used to drink way too much off and on, but she's never been abused or neglected. She's always gotten at least 3 meals a day, sometimes with snacks in-between, so she's very strong and healthy. She's just extremely strong-willed and still, at 11 years old hasn't figured out that the world doesn't revolve around her! I'm exhausted. I have a headache, and I seriously do not know what I'm going to do with this child. Hopefully, I don't get any anti-spanking commenters on here. I've been through that all before. I don't agree and it's not illegal to spank your children in this state, so BACK OFF! Oh, and I'd LOOOOOOVE to see how anyone could raise this one without spanking!!!I promise. I've tried everything I know short of abuse or neglect!!!

My Heart Is Full...Of So Many Emotions

I know I shouldn't be writing a blogpost right now, since it's like 1:30 am! I should've been in bed hours ago (and suddenly I'm craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich! What?! I've been craving those a lot lately! What is up with that!), but my heart is so full right now. I read Beth Moore's blog, talking about someone very special to her ministry, going to be with the Lord this week, which reminded me of my sweet Dave, that I'm sure many of you remember me talking about on here a couple of times, who I lost to cancer a few years ago. Made me cry again, cause I miss him, and because I'm so grateful for the influence he had in my life to come to know Christ. Then, I hopped over here to see comments on my blog, which of course, were mostly from Jenny! One of the things I've done to help me not be so unhappy about not getting comments is, I've put a thing up on my blog that tells me how many visitors I've had! I love it when I hop on from time to time and see that that numbers gone up! That way at least I know you're reading, even if you're not commenting, but I do like to see comments from time to time! Otherwise, I get a little lonely on the other side of this keyboard, and you wouldn't want that :) No pressure or anything :)

I just want you all to know, I'm in love!!!! No, I'm not cheating on my husband!!! I have fallen in love with him all over again this week, too, though, but that's nothing new! That happens almost every week! I thought I loved him before, now I love him more! Or, he did something to irritate me and I was mad at him, but then he turned right around and proved he's still totally awesome, so I'm in love again! Or, I just looked at him just right and saw that unbelievably handsome man I married almost 15 years ago! That's much easier to do these days after he's lost so much weight! But no, this is not about him! This is about my True Knight In Shining Armor, who can do know wrong, even if I accuse Him of it at times, the one who swept me off my feet at the ripe young age of 20 and does it over and over and over again in ways I never would have expected! He's truly a romantic! He really is! You should read some of the stuff in the bible! Ain't nobody as much of a romantic as this Guy! He calls me His Bride, says He's "enthralled by my beauty." Oh, yes! He's my Prince of Peace, King Jesus! I am more in love with Him tonight (morning?) than I ever have been before! I couldn't explain it to you even if it wasn't 1:40 am and I should be sleeping! Don't know if I can sleep my heart is so full! Can't win on that one it seems. I'm either devastated and can't sleep or I'm exhilarated and can't sleep....or....whatever! You fill in the blank. I'm feeling like my heart is going to burst and I'm at peace at the moment, so who knows. Maybe I'll just pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow! First I have to put my head on the pillow to find out! Good night!

New T-shirts

Well, that was FUN!!! I got to choose 5 free t-shirts from neatTshirt.com !!! They make Christian t-shirts. Normally, I'm not real big on running around wearing shirts proclaiming my faith loudly and obnoxiously, but I like theirs. They're not as obnoxious as most and they're simple and cute. I particularly like the music ones which I ordered two of. I got free t-shirts because I won a sort of, contest on twitter, if you want to call it that. A cerain person they know had a birthday on Valentine's Day which was easy for me to remember since my birthday is the day before Valentine's Day. Yes, I'm 37 years old now, and I did just admit that publicly! I hear life begins in about 3 years :) Although, someone burst my bubble the other day by claiming that life begins at 50! Nooooooooooo! I was so close to life beginning and now it's leaping away from me even further :) Anyway, the birthday gal. You had to wish her a happy birthday the most to win 5 free t-shirts! I figured I had no chance since I don't live on twitter all day, but apparently I'm the only one who did it!!! So, yes, I got 5 free t-shirts! Five, as I understand it, because that is the gals favorite number! All I know is I'm getting 5 brand spanking new tshirts for FREE!!! They really do have some cute shirts. You should check them out. And no they're not paying me. This is entirely on my own! It's not the Blue Door Boutique, but hey, baby steps, right? I may be stylin yet :) I doubt it. I may never get this red stain out of my neck! Anyway, things are going well. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude going to get me through, and see the many ways God has rescued me over and over again! I'm determined to kick this depression and anxiety thing and be healed by my Healer, Jesus Christ!!! Have you met Him? He's pretty Awesome! You really should get to know Him, even if you don't need healing, like I do. There's so much more to Him than that! So much more that I don't even know, but I want to!! He's teaching me more and more all the time!

How God Uses Writing To Help Me On My Journey

You know what I love?! Well, anyone who reads this blog, because I adore "talking" which is only fun if someone is "listening" and it just pleases me so much that anyone would want to "listen" to all of my rambling!:) BUT, what I really love is how God uses something I thought was meant to minister to someone else to minister to ME!!! I was told almost a year ago that I should write a book after telling a funny story about something one of my kids had done or I had done or whatever! I don't remember what the story was about, just that it was funny. (I love funny!) I told this friend that I already had written a book that I was then doing more research on and rewriting. I told her "It's a devotional book written from my study of 1 Corinthians."

She said, "No, that's not the book you should be writing. You should write a book about your life."

I replied, incredulously, "My life! Why write a book about my life? Nobody would want to read that! My life is boring!"

She said, "Uhhhhhhh, nooooo, it's not. You're life is fascinating, the things you've experienced, the things your kids say and do. You are always telling funny stories that actually have happened in your life, just like that one. You should write a book telling all those funny stories and other stories from your life of things you've experienced that may not be funny but they're interesting."

I had always been afraid to write my life story, though I'd thought about it, and been told that I should before. Not because of anything positive in my life, but because of my pain. People thought, as much as I love to write, that maybe writing it would be healing for me and possibly someday be able to help someone else. I was waiting for the healing I'd been desperately seeking to occur before I did that, but I decided then that I would put my 1 Corinthians project aside and began writing about my life. Yes, I was still in a lot of pain, but just cause I wrote it didn't mean I had to let anyone else read it! I could just hang onto, possibly editting it later to shine a more positive light on all that had happened to me. So, I began at the beginning talking about my birth, and all of the drama surrounding that. (Yes, it's dramatic when you enter the world with a cataract over your left eye and blind in that eye, and having glaucoma!) I asked God to show me what He wanted me to write. What stories I needed to tell. I've found out that even in those early years of hospital stays and abuse, that my life wasn't just painful. I remembered some really fun and interesting things, like my first horse show when I was five years old where I won a blue ribbon :) It HAS been incredibly healing for me, but not just because I'm "getting out" all the old baggage that has hurt me for years, though, consciously, I try not to even think about it and am usually successful, but this never-ending ache continues on. I'm not saying I don't still hurt; that I don't still need help from God and others to deal with the painful things. It's just neat to see all of the wonderful experiences i had mixed in with that. It's a relief to know that God had good things in my life, even then, when I didn't know Him and didn't want to. He was there even when I rejected Him. He was there in the time I spent with the horses and other animals on the farm. He was there in the times I did participate in sports and not do a sickeningly horrible job. He was there, keeping me sane through it all. He gave me people every now and again who were nice to me and he gave me people who were fun and wanted to have fun with me. No, I didn't have anyone I could call a close friend. I never learned how to talk things through, something I'm still learning; how to share my pain. I'm still not good at it and it feels awkward and weird and the words never come out right. I wish people understood more. I wish I understood more. But God let me have some fun, even while most of the authority figures in my life were only hurting me. I'm still scared to talk about that things that hurt, cause so many have used those very things against me. People I should have been able to trust. I already had trust issues and then they added more. I'm struggling right now and have hardly slept in days. I can feel the bags under my eyes, and they're burning as I toss and turn at night with all the memories that I can't quite come to terms with. I'm so tired and my head hurts. I threw out my neck and apparently hips and back at some point last week, so at times I can't even move my head without excruciating pain. I went to the chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment since I could hardly turn my head at all. It still hurt after he adjusted me and I still didn't have full range of motion. I'm almost back to full range today, but will need to go back in again tomorrow to get adjusted again. So, yes, I'm struggling, but God is so good to me and has helped me remember the good times, too! He's used an old "friend" from my growing up years to help with that. I love her so much and wish we could spend time together in person, but she lives in another town and we both have very busy lives, each with three kids and a husband, and she is a working mom, which I can't even imagine the pressure of! Yet, she stays so positive even when she sometimes gets overwhelmed. Don't we all! Love you, Jenny! And I'm just so glad for all the good that I see in my life!!! God is good and He will and most likely, IS healing me, even if I can't see it right now.

What An Amazing God!

I must admit sometimes it's a comment from one of you that prompts me a little. It's so hard sometimes, because I have so many things on my heart all at the same time. It's moments like these that I realize that despite everything, my past, the years I spent shoving every substance down my throat or into my lungs that I could get my hands on to numb the pain, all of it. Despite all of it and how hard I tried to self-destruct, my life is truly amazing and a miracle from God!!! Call it what you want, but I KNOW who dug me out of addiction! No one but God could have done that! By the time I came to Christ in college when I was stoned all I could think about was where my next joint was coming from. It kills me to think where I might have gone next if God hadn't grabbed my heart that fall of 1995! I do remember asking people about Crack-Cocaine at that time and inquiring as to what that was like *cringe* Clearly I was getting to a point where the lighter drugs were not doing it for me anymore. Thank You, JESUS for sending exactly the people I needed at that time to show me (not just tell me) that there's a very real God who LOVES me!!!! I'm a very tangible, hands on kind of person! Words alone don't do it for me (although obviously I love words!). I need you to prove it to me. I think most of us do. Especially after all I had been through. I had heard the words "I love you" more than I like to think about, but really they only loved my body and what I could do for them! Prove it! Prove to me that you mean what you say! It's amazing to me how many tangible ways God has shown me that He loves me. He first loved me through the father-figure, Dave, taking an interest in me, even when he knew about the drugs and the promiscuous behavior!

What an amazing God!

Then, he introduced me to Josh Paparazzo! He's used that man more in my life than you could ever know or understand! From the moment I almost called off our wedding, because I feared being in a sexual relationship again. He told me the wedding night wasn't that important. That if I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. He wouldn't push me. We'd take as long as I needed and he'd be gentle. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, even if we never consummated our marriage!

What an amazing God!

(Obviously we consummated our marriage :))

Then, through my children! I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up feeling so down on myself, and my sweet toddler at the time and morning girl (Ugh! Those people oughtta be shot! jk) would climb into bed next to me, run her fingers through my hair and say, "Mommy, you're the most beautiful Mommy in the whole world!" And she meant it! She even challenged our neighbors to disagree with her! She'd go up to them with her hands on her hips and say matter-of-factly, "My mommy's the most beautiful mommy in the whole world!" And I mean, she was dramatic about it, like she was just daring them to try and disagree with her! I was the most beautiful (the fairest in the land) and no way was she wrong! I'm pretty sure she believes it to this day! That was my middle child, Angela.

What an amazing God!

My children grew and eventually, one by one each came to know Christ and was baptized! My son, who loves God's Word, almost as much as I do (Reading and hearing God's Word was the first time I can recall being told that I was anything other than a total loser. Oh, some never said anything really bad about me, but not super good, either!) was doing a bible study on his own that he had won at a VBS and he came up to me one day and said, "Mom, I have an assignment for my bible study. I'm supposed to thank one person who influenced my life for Christ, so mom, thank you for teaching me to love Jesus." It may have been an assignment, but I knew he meant it and I nearly bawled. That was around the same time that my daughter Angela had decided she wanted to be baptized and on the day she was baptized our pastor came up to me and said, "I just wanted you to know that when Angela and I met she told me some really wonderful things she learned from her mother." This was truly too much for me. How could this messed up, alcoholic mama ever have taught her children anything of the Lord? He was amazed at her understanding and knowledge of scripture.

What an amazing God!

And then, Chloe came into my life at a time when I'd completely given up hope on ever being a good mother. I was just going through the motions, trying to get through. Had given up trying to kill myself or get healed. I was just doing what I had to do. When I found out I was pregnant I was so mad at God. We weren't planning on having a third at that time. I asked God why he was giving me this child. Wasn't it bad enough I was already screwing up two? Why did He want to give me a third to mess up? Chloe was such an easy baby and she even made caring for the other two easier. I can't really explain how she did, but she did. I remember one day about a week after she'd come home from the hospital, right after doing the assembly line, changing all 3 of them, cause they had poopy diapers at the same time (wasn't that convenient), that I was doing this mom thing and I was doing a good job. A wonderful feeling came over me that I had not felt in a long time. I had no idea, but Chloe was a gift to me. I always thought that God gave children to parents, because those children needed that parent, but this parent needed that child!

What an amazing God!

As if that weren't enough she grew to be the biggest sanguine you've ever met in your life! If you look up the word sanguine you'll see a picture of Chloe's face right next to it! She IS the definition of sanguine! She and Angela are still the biggest cheerleaders I have! (Big for short people anyway :)) She bounces around and laughs and smiles all day long. She's really hard to be depressed around! Sometimes when it gets really bad, even she can't make me smile. In fact, she irritates me, but generally, she makes me smile, and sometimes even laugh almost every day!

What an amazing God!

My son is brilliant and he loves his mama with all his heart! Even at 13 years of age he still hugs me in public! He tells his friend's he's mama's boy and he's proud of it!

What an amazing God!

My husband has stood by me for almost 15 years of some of the worst times I've ever seen and he still has eyes for not another woman. I'm telling you he doesn't even notice other women. No, I'm not kidding. We were at a restaurant once and a woman walked by that I swear looked like she'd just stepped off the cover of a magazine, and I said, "Wow! Did you see that lady? She was stunning!" I seriously wouldn't have blamed him for noticing. He's married, he's not blind! I notice good-looking guys when I see them sometimes. But he said, "What lady?" He was serious. He had no clue what I was talking about. I then knew that the man with the visions who told me that he had a vision about my husband and did I know that Josh is so incredibly faithful to me that he doesn't even notice other women. He only sees me. I seriously have the man who only has eyes for one, and that's me.

What an amazing God!

As if His dying on the cross weren't enough, He did all this for me! And I'm sure if I really thought about it I could go on and on and on! This move, our house selling right away, my car selling, us finding a great house, so quickly. I'm shaking my head right now.

What an amazing God!