Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Now For My Personal Problem

I know I'm not supposed to share my difficulties online, but seriously I can't talk about this stuff to someone's face. I'm too ashamed and I have nothing to protect. My kids are already screwed and so is my husband cause they got stuck with me.

I am absolutely convinced that there is not a more useless person on the planet. Every now and again I have mentioned the possibility of getting a job, at least part time while the kids are in school. You may be wondering why I haven't even tried to look for a job. Well, this is the story of my experiencing working, whether paid or unpaid:

I grew up on a ranch, so there was lots of work to be done and everyone had to participate. Of course, all the work I did someone else had to fix, because no matter how hard I tried I always messed it up. My parents complained that I couldn't do anything right, I wasn't very smart, I was too slow. As I grew up I got the same response from teachers and peers. When I went to college, for the purpose of getting away from home. I was hoping someone outside of tiny Wallowa County would see some potential in me. I did okay the first year of college. I then went to work for my dad. He had started a horse training business at this point. Again, too slow, and incompetent. We also added that I had no determination to succeed at anything, just because I was unable to successfully train a horse that I had to train that summer. Tried and I really wanted to, but at that point I was scared of the horses. I mean screwing up with them can be deadly! So I went back to school and got a job on campus tutoring Algebra. We had peer revues with that job, from the people we tutored. The consensus was that I was incompetent. Wow! I'm starting to see a pattern here. I graduated from the junior college I was at and got married. We moved to Moscow, Idaho to continue both of our educations at the University of Idaho. I didn't do very well. I struggled with using the computers for my more technical class that I was now having to take. Even with dummy sheets telling me exactly, detail for detail how to use the program I couldn't get it to work. I was failing miserably. I also had a job on campus at the daycare center. Not real good with kids, but they stuck me in the kitchen doing dishes, washing toys, and all that. I was never able to get my work done, too slow. They wanted to know why I couldn't get my work done faster. It wasn't that difficult. The next semester I decided to have a baby. Why not, I'm screwing everything else up, why not another human life! Besides, if I couldn't succeed I could always use the excuse that we'd decided it was best if I stayed home with the kids, for the kids' sake. That summer we went to a Christian camp in California, where I worked for the worst boss of all. He mocked and ridiculed me every day, complained I was too slow and treated me like a child who didn't know anything and couldn't think for myself. Needless to say at this point I'm thinking that getting a job isn't going to make me feel better about myself. I can't take another blow. And I can't take being useless, so I don't know what to do at this point. I'm afraid to even walk out that door and go to job services. I mean what am I supposed to put on an application? Which do you think is my best quality: stupidity, slowness, or incompetence? I want you to know I really was trying at all these jobs. I'm even afraid to do too much at home, because it will only raise my husband's expectations and if everyone else thought I was so stupid and incompetent what's to say my husband won't too. He told the kids to throw out the dinner I made the other day, cause it was disgusting. I really don't see how I'm really worth the space that I take up, the air that I breathe, the food that I eat, the clothes that I wear, the meds that I take, well you get the idea. If you can think of a way that a person who can't work at a desk or doing any kind of hands-on type work could be useful, please tell me cause otherwise I have a whole lot of pills in this house calling my name.

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